how do you know if youre in an abusive relationship?

Hope - posted on 12/19/2011 ( 78 moms have responded )

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my fiance is a good man, he really is. but sometimes he's just so mean. he's never hit me or anything like that but he's VERY controlling. im not a loud to have a job or go to school. he checks my phone every day. im not supposed to be on the internet but i came to my moms to check this. i have not friends. he tells me what i can and cant wear, how to do my hair and makeup.. calls me a slut alot...things like that..is it abusive? and what should i do? my exboyfriend was really abusive...like actually physical....he would beat me everyday....so i dont know if this is considered abuse or not because he's not hitting me.

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Denikka - posted on 12/19/2011

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It's absolutely abusive!! And you need to get your butt outta there ASAP.
Just because abuse doesn't leave bruises or broken bones doesn't mean that it's not just as painful. Emotional scars can take a LOT longer to heal than physical ones.

Think about this: If you have a daughter, would you want her to be in the same relationship as you? Would you want her to be in your place?
Or if you have a son, would you be happy if he treated his gf/wife the same way you are being treated?
I sincerely hope that the answer to those questions is a huge NO!!!!
You deserve so much better.
A partner is supposed to support your interests and relationships (unless they are destructive). A partner is supposed to lift you up, make you feel good about yourself. Not put you down and call you names. You're a victim of emotional abuse. It frequently turns physical in the long run. Get out before it does. And make a life for yourself that you DESERVE. You deserve to be happy and with a loving partner. This isn't love.

Jenni - posted on 12/21/2011

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I absolutely agree with the other posters. I was in an emotionally abusive, controlling relationship for 5 years. Emotional abuse is all about manipulation and control. My ex's game was to tear me down and then be the one to build my self-esteem back up so I became co-dependent on him emotionally. In an argument, he would yell at me for 24 hours straight until I conceeded. He'd sleep deprive me so I was in a weakened state. And then yell at me until he believed I actually agreed with him and wasn't just agreeing to shut him up. It was horrible, I was miserable, I became a shell of my former self. He eventually convinced me to stop talking to family and friends. I was embarrassed for them to see what he was doing to me and his behaviour, so I shut them out. He isolated me and I felt he was the only person I had in my life who cared about me.



Emotional abuse is very serious and very damaging. It is in no way less serious than physical abuse. It is just as damaging to all involved including your children. Get out now before it gets even harder to do so, before it does turn physical. I also believed my ex was a "good man", I made excuses for his behaviour all the time to justify why I was sticking around. Find the strength and get out, cut the strings and don't speak to him again, don't let him reel you back in with the "I'll change" mantra. It's BS. My ex did it. He did get better for 3-4 months and then things went back to the way they were. They don't change. But you can.



Seek help: If you have experienced trauma in your childhood, poor male role models, as I have. It may be the reason you are settling for men who are like this. You need to address those issues with a professional.



Here is a website that includes signs of abuse (if you don't want to take our word for it) as well as hotlines you can call: http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_vio...



You have no IDEA how lucky, and greatful I am that I got out before we had children together. I could not imagine having someone like that tied to me for the rest of my life. I cannot fathom having someone like him parenting my children. I am so thankful I found the strength to get out before I became pregnant. I have a wonderful husband now, who treats me great and doesn't try to control me. You can do better too!

Laurinda - posted on 05/21/2012

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I am writing this from the other side . I was wre you are now 7 years ago . I walked out with the kids and nothing more. I told him i was going to the store , he was drunk , and we never went back . I went to stay with friends , borrowed and bought secondhand clothing for a few days . Took out a violence restaining order , rang my landlord and had him kicked out of the house , but didnt return until he was gone and the VRO was in place . then we packed our bags and moved away . 1 year latter i divorced him through a lawyer.Now i have re married had another child and i am living a dream . Yes every day i thank god i had the courage that day to know that i just couldnt take that anymore. When i left i was scarred ,emotioally wrecked ,depressed unhappy , no self esteem , very vunerable .Now i am , happy confident relaxed. I work raise my kids and love my new husband. My new husband is a real man , he never bellittles , has drunken outbursts or voilent ones , never shouts, pushes ,verbally abuses or torments me emotioally . he is mentally and phsically strong , he has a strong code of ethics , knows his own mind , is supportive and loving . I never knew life could be so good .
I pray one day you too will find the strength to change your future! You can do it ! Yes its hard , but only for a little while and you need to rebuild your life , find yourself , rebuild your confidence , your self esteem , your self love . YOU ARE WORTH THIS !!!!!.
The day will come when you will know , I just cant do this anymore. Make plans now for when this happens .leave spare change of clothes with friends , photocopy all necessary documents and give to friends and family to keep safe , stash sparec hange and any cash away .
Finally believe in yourself , dig deep and find the stength to end this once and for all . Find your rainbow and chase it , the future could just bring you a pot of gold . Love and Hugs to you Hun

Camie - posted on 01/15/2012

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Hi Hope,



I am an advocate working at a domestic violence/sexual assault agency. I have been in this field for 13 years. I have worked in our shelter, court, hospital and outreach programs. I have assisted hundreds of women (and some men) with resources, information and referrals.



From your description, your fiance does not sound like a "good man," as much as you would like to believe he is. Good men aren't mean. Good men trust and respect their partner,and they do not feel the need to control them. If your partner really cared about you, he would care that you wish to go to school, have a job, communicate with your family and friends via phone, on-line and/or in person. He would allow you to express yourself by choosing your own style of clothing, hair and make-up. He would NEVER call you a slut. There is no excuse for that kind of name calling. So yes, he is very abusive, and it may only be a matter of time until the abuse becomes sexual and physical.



A healthy relaltionship is equality based. In other words, it is balanced. A healthy relationship is based on meeting the needs of both people---not just one of the people in the relationship. The needs of both partners are considered important. When you disagree, you compromise, negotiate, and most importantly, you respect how the other person feels and don't pressure them into things they don't want to do.



Hope, you have described a man who treats you with complete disrespect and zero trust. And how can YOU respect a man who is so mean? How can YOU trust a man who is so controlling?



In an unhealthy relationship, there are different kinds of abuse: Verbal (derogatory names, put downs, threats and yelling), emotional/psychological abuse (critical, blaming, crazy making, isolating, controlling, financial, pet abuse, property damage, alcohol/drug abuse or forced use of, and threats to kill you or themselves), sexual (unwanted kissing/touching, not allowing you to use birth control, forced sex, forced to view sexually explicit material), and physical (hitting, pushing, shoving, grabbing, hair pulling, spitting, restraining, strangulation). You clearly have verbal and emotional/psychological occuring. He is trying to isolate you from your support system which will make you easier to control. Please don't make the mistake of thinking that any of this is your fault and that things will get better if you only do all things he has told you will make him happy. NOTHING will ever be good enough no matter what you do. This will be your life. And if you have children with him, they will be damaged and continue to live this cycle of violence.



Please Hope, call the National Domestic Violence hotline and find the nearest agency. Many agencies have shelters, free counseling and support groups, court advocacy and other services to help support you in your desire to live a violence free life.

Emma - posted on 12/21/2011

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Congratulations on the new job!
Was he with you when you went through school & qualified to become an EMT?
You will need a legal aide attorney to protect you and your children because the violence will escalate. Emotional and verbal abuse is real and it is a precursor to physical attacks. When you do decide to leave it may trigger a violent response or he may become a "silent stalker" - showing up at work, sending you notes and flowers (the creepy kind), calling your phone all hours of the day/night, following you around while you go about your day...DD5's dad was like that and it's left me with scars I'm still healing from but the healing will come with help, support and faith in yourself.

Please don't just read what these women write and shrug it off. If you *have* to ask then you already know. So what's keeping you from taking the next step?

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Olivia - posted on 06/14/2012

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I think with abuse comes humiliation. If you are feeling humiliated, chances are you are being abused. That's just my opinion, and I've been in more than one abusive relationship.

Tamala - posted on 06/10/2012

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I think u know that this is not right abuse is emotional and physical also mental he has more control over u then u parents did please leave before it gets to the point of being physical that's the next step talk to ur mom and let her know and tell her u want out if u can't talk to her make a doc appointment then let them know on the sneak u do wat u have to to get out this will only get worse u absolutely do not deserve to be treated that way love u first and move on all men are not abusive

Erin - posted on 06/08/2012

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He is text book abuser. Ausers always try to control what you do, they control what clothes you wear, attempt if not suceed in trying to separate you from your friends and family. They do this to keep those loved one's from convincing you to leave them. He is a jealous angry person, I don't believe he is a good man at all. Abuse is NOT just physical. I highley suggest you leave the relationship, get a no contact order and get yourself into school and concentrate on you, this man is no good for you period.

Stacey - posted on 05/28/2012

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Yes, it's abuse. It's emotional abuse and you don't have to put up with it!!

CKO - posted on 05/27/2012

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Abuse does NOT have to be physical there are many different types. He is controlling and making you sad and suffer. It is not healthy for you to be in a relationship like this. Its actually common for women that have been in an abusive relationship before to continue down the same path and be with someone like that again.

Its ok to leave and cry for help, you need it. My question is since the initial post how are you doing? Things better for you?

Rhonda - posted on 05/21/2012

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OK - you have to read my posting asking if I should try to save an emotionally abusive relationship. I was where you are three years ago. I did not recognize it for what it was. I know this is going to be a long post but try to read the whole thing because three years ago I made the wrong choice and am now paying for it. I got pregnant with my boyfriends baby and we got married. He would get drunk and call me a slut, a whore and curse at my face. That's how it started. Then he started squeezing nerve points on my body putting me into tears. He made my life miserable every time I would talk to my friends to the point that I alienated everybody and no longer have any friends. He made me stop my facebook page because every night he'd come home and check who I had been talking to online and we'd get into a huge wicked fight over it. He checks my history online to see what pages I've been on. He would check my cell phone and business line and any time my friends would call me, he'd drill me on what we talked about. If I refused to tell him, he'd give me the silent treatment for days until I caved in. He wouldn't let me wear shorts because he said my legs were too nice and men would look at me. If we were having lunch/dinner in a restaurant, he'd tell me where to sit (and still does) so that I couldn't see anybody if by change a man walked in the door or by our table. A week ago he was really drunk and it escalated to the post that I described. If you stay with him, this will evolve into physical abuse...speaking from experience. I hope there are no children involved, if there are not, make sure you insist on protection. That's one thing that I didn't insist on and I now regret. It should have been a huge warning sign...I now feel he wanted to control and trap me by getting me pregnant. It worked. You are at a cross-road right now. You can stay with him and end up an emotionally abused woman who's attached to this man and too in love with him to think straight down the road, or you can leave him and maybe a little lonely but not have those emotional scars to deal with...and hopefully start your life over again.

Diane - posted on 03/22/2012

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Yes pack his bags and send him out the door for good, my daughter went through this for years and councilling didnt help much but it got much better after we moved away. its the emotional scars that last for years.

Katie - posted on 02/10/2012

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Read the book "radical forgiveness" by colin tipping or "why is this happening to me again?" by Michael Ryce, the books could change your life. Instead of having an innocent victim vs. evil perpetrator view, which is often just projection, it teaches you to take responsibility for what you are attracting into your life and empowers you.

Lyssa - posted on 02/08/2012

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this is totally emotional abuse. he has no right to control you in that way. checking your phone, not allowing a job, and if my hubby ever told me what i could and couldn't wear, let alone invading my privacy on my phone and the internet, i'd be gone. there are so many GREAT men out there who know how to treat a woman right, and it sounds like you need to end this, and find one of those great men! i'm sorry you're going througn this, i've been there, which is why i'll never be there again! you will realize this once you make that decision. i wish you good luck!

Rachel - posted on 02/06/2012

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abuse can take many forms.... and loving an abuser is the worst predicament to be in. I know from experience. The best way, in my opinion, if you want to sustain this relationship is to talk to him about it. Find a time when he is open to conversation and tell him how you feel. Don't be accusatory, just tell him the way his behavior makes you feel, and try to get to the root of why he's acting the way he is. If he's willing to work on things then it may be worth staying together. If he gets defensive, then end the conversation, and let him stew on it. It may take him a few days to realize what he's doing is not ok. Make sure you tell him that you love him and don't want to leave, and that will hopefully open the passage for communication. If he's completely defensive and remains that way, then it's up to you if you want to live this way. Good luck and God bless.

Susan - posted on 02/04/2012

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If you suspect abuse, you are probably right. Noone deserves to be controlled. That is called slavery and I heard that it was outlawed quite a while ago. You don't deserve this. Get a new fiance who will make a life WITH you not for you.

Susan - posted on 02/04/2012

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If you suspect abuse, you are probably right. Noone deserves to be controlled. That is called slavery and I heard that it was outlawed quite a while ago. You don't deserve this. Get a new fiance who will make a life WITH you not for you.

Darlene - posted on 01/31/2012

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Hope, you need to run and don't look back! If he is as controlling as you say, it will not get better, it will get worse as time goes on. My mom was abused and my 3 older sisters were as well. One passed away because of abuse, two got divorces and my husband tried, but I am a strong willed of a person and will not put up with it. You may love him but that love will one day turn into resentment. Do yourself a favor and put your foot down now or you will later regret it. Good luck to you, I hope you find happiness,

Michelle - posted on 01/31/2012

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The definition of abuse isn't just physical, it can be emotional and verbal as well. Like some of the other women have said, your not his child so he has no right to tell you what to wear, how to do your make up etc. He is not your father, he is SUPPOSED to be your equal.



The fact your not allowed to work or go to school is another way of him controlling you. He is not going to change after you get married, he may even get worse. I would cut your losses now and get out. I don't even think a counselor will really help this situation.

Angela - posted on 01/30/2012

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I have a friend who doesn't think it's a good idea to "share" with your partner that previous partners may have been abusive with you. My friend feels this gives a man "licence" to also be abusive, but in a less obvious way. That way, when challenged on his behaviour, he can truthfully claim that at least he doesn't do [ whatever your previous partner did that was worse ].



I only agree with this up to a point. It depends on the man. And a more mature, decent man might be trusted with information. What it boils down to is the self-esteem of the man you're in a relationship with. If he is unsure of himself or his confidence is low, then he may well counter this by trying to control YOU.



Why not ask him about his behaviour in a relaxed, non-threatening way?



It's bad enough that he cuts you off from friends. But if he's cutting you off from civilisation altogether - like you're not allowed to use the Internet, for example, then he's fearful of you being guided or educated in any way by anyone or anything that might just turn you against HIM.



I don't even think that this is his fear that you might find another man. It's his fear that you may cease to rely on him for absolutely EVERYTHING. The fear that you may have an independent mind of your own and the massive fear that you might become someone other than the exact person he wants you to be.



GET. OUT. OF. THERE. AND. AWAY. FROM. HIM. AS. FAST. AS. YOU. CAN.



Good luck!

Toni - posted on 01/27/2012

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What he is doing to you is abuse. It is called mental and emotional abuse.

My ex was the same. Never hit me, but somehow alays manged to make me feel guilty, I wasnt aloud to have friends, he was always suspicious and he stalked me whenever I left the house.

If you think he is worth the trouble, then try talking to him about it. It is possible that he has trust issues or something worse buried deep down inside that he needs to sort out.

If he isnt willing to talk about his problems/see someone about them, then he doesnt wan to change and you are better off getting out of there.

Lee Ann - posted on 01/26/2012

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sounds like he has way too much control over what you can and cannot do, your not 10, you do not live with your parents and your an adult, he may be a good man but honestly get out now while you still can, you guys are not married yet and unless you want to be dealing with that kind of behavior for the rest of your life i would end it, sorry your having troubles dear, hope things get better for you asap

Amie - posted on 01/25/2012

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Very much so. Been there hun my advice- GET OUT OF IT because it doesnt get better, it will only get worse. Look up aboout power control on the internet. That will answer your question

Stifler's - posted on 01/22/2012

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The first bit suggests to me that he's abusive. "i'm not allowed". You're an adult. And calling you names and being controlling is abuse.

Heather - posted on 01/22/2012

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Before I say anything else, I want to tell you..I love you doll!! I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I am always available for help so please don't hesitate to reach out.

I can tell you from experience that this is a very bad situation. It always starts somewhere and goes somewhere worse. Mine got so bad that I was locked up for 6 months in his mother's basement to teach me that I had to listen. He did eventually find someone else and let me go..after almost 10 years. It starts with a little control and then grows to a point that that makes you wake up to a daily nightmare.

Love yourself..search your soul and know that you deserve repect and love more than anything. I know how hard it is to get out..so please be careful..but love yourself enough to get away. Its been about 5 years since I was set free..I still have nightmares and suffer severe anxiety becuz of what I went thru. You are an amazing person and have the strength to rise above this. You have the right to only have people in your life that are good to you and uplift you.

I love you doll..my heart goes out to you! Be careful!! If you need somewhere safe to go..I will help you. If you need a friend..here I am! You can message me anytime on here..email me mommys2bugs@yahoo.com ..call me or text me 315-323-1616

Take care doll!!!!!

Mary - posted on 01/22/2012

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Yes,

In my eyes this is emotional abuse. Even though he isn't hitting you... telling u what to wear and not letting u on the internet??? Sounds like he has a low self esteem..Have you tried talking with a counselor or psychologist?? This could help you sort out your feelings. But, you should get out of there!

Tonya - posted on 01/18/2012

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Sweetie if you have to ask the question, then you already know the answer. There are many different forms of abuse, physical, sexual, mental, verbal, psychological, the list goes on. Him feeling like he can control you is bad enough, but then taking it to the next level like he has is a very serious issue. Not to mention the verbal abuse of him calling you names. I want to ask you three questions for you to really think about.... 1.If he is this bad now, how much worse might it get when you are married and he knows you are his? 2. Are you willing to marry him knowing that this is the life your children will grow up in? and 3. Are you willing to take the chance that your babies might grow up and treat others like he is you? You are better than this, you are worth more than this, there is never a reason for a man to do the things your fiance or ex boyfriend has done to you. You asked what to do...Walk away from him for the sake of you and your future children. Get help, call your local health and welfare office ask for the abuse victims line and they will set you up with the help you need. Or go to a church and seek help there. I know any Assembly of God, Catholic or Mormon church has the resources you would need. And take the help. Get into counseling so that your emotional well being can start to deal and cope with all of this. I wish you the best of luck sweetie, and pray that you get yourself out of that situation. No one deserves to be treated the way he is treating you. Good luck, and God bless.

Lisa - posted on 01/18/2012

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This is called emotional abuse. No one deserves it or should put up with it. The next step might be physical. Please love yourself enough to find a man that will take care of you and treat you with dignity & respect. Stay strong!

Jenn - posted on 01/16/2012

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You are definitely in an abusive relationship. Someone doesn't have to physically hit you for it to be abusive. I've been a social worker for 14 years and have worked with families like this. You should end this relationship because trust me it will become more violent. If someone controlls everything you do then you should not be with them. You should be free to do and think what you want.

Shantelle - posted on 01/15/2012

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remember this ok control is something you give not something that is ever taken from you!! if you choose to stay with him than you have to deal with how he behaves!! But ... the control over you he believes he has is only the control you have given him my dear so if you dont like it take it back!! and if he doesnt like that than tell him to take a hike!! you are the ruler of your life NO ONE ELSE! So if he does control you it is only because you have let him! because you have decided to listen to what he tells you to do! You don't have to do anything anyone tells you in reality! You don't even have to obey the law really! the thing is you have to weigh what the outcome would be for you! like the law will you go to jail and could you handle that and having a criminal record could you deal with all that comes from breaking the law! well the same applies to this control issue! can you deal with doing what he tells you to do...obviously not or you wouldn't be on here so...take your control back and if he doesnt like it he has the choice to go!

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yes, controlling and demeaning is emotional abuse. he prob thinks he can get away with it because the other bf got away with worse. save up some money somehow, sell some clothes at a resale shop, pawn something to have money to get out. if youre worriend about leaving your stuff behind get pictures and clothes and get out, material things can be replaced. get on with your life. he will end up hitting you he is seeing what he can get away with. he may be a good man, to other or to you when he is sorry but he shouldnt call you names. you need a job and an education because you will be under his thumb without a dime or a good resume for a good job. get your friends house or moms or grandparents and change your number because he will try and get you back. when he does, if you leave and come back, will be hell. he will keep you on a tighter lease. so when you leave, leave for good.

Tracy - posted on 01/14/2012

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Please do NOT make excuses for him. You know you're in a bad relationship because you're asking for help. I would tell you to confront him about his behaviour but I'm scared for your safety. Please leave before his behaviour escalates. Put yourself (and any children you may have) first and get out while you can.

Joy - posted on 01/14/2012

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I know it is confusing, but I have been there too. There is emotional, mental and physical abuse. You may not be getting the physical end, but you sure are getting the rest. Getting a job is YOUR choice. What you wear is YOUR choice. Take a stand and do what is best.. get out before it turns into anything worse. It is hard, I know, but he will not change. Abusers don't.

Sally - posted on 01/13/2012

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Hope - I am Sally, a mom of four adult daughters and now grandmother of three. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage with a classic narcissist who is a master manipulator. As the years rolled by, several things became apparent: he had no plans of changing or getting any real help, and everything that was wrong was my fault. He wasn't a screamer, nor was he ever really physically abusive. What he was was screwed up, not normal, and very unhappy, and blamed everyone else.

Your fiance is a controlling man. This will not get better, it will get worse. Ask yourself if this is the type of person you want to have your children look up to as the role model of what a husband should be. Do the difficult but best thing- leave him and don't look back, no matter what.

There are many books and articles on the subject of toxic men. My favorite is "Let's Face it, Men are @$$hole$". It is NOT a man-bashing book. It was written by two men, and they identify quite a few toxic traits that some men afflict on those around them. The book helps to identify these very negative traits, and helps those in a relationship either deal with them or decide when it is time to cut the losses and move on.

Please consider some counseling to figure out why you are attracted to abusive men. You deserve better.

Candice - posted on 01/11/2012

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Sounds a lot like my EX Husband. It was a very sad life I was living for four years. I could say that I wish I never met him but I have a wonderful son from him and I am happy for that. Life has gotten better and now after many years I have a good life.

We all sometimes have hard choices to make. You know him well and must love him very much to be engaged to him. Perhaps try to talk to him about the way you feel and how things could work better. Do your best before you get married. Things seem to be harder to deal with once you are married. Do what you think is best. Consider this. Your life and well being is important. You need to be respected and first allow your self to respect your self. Love your self and anyone who calls you names or hurts you in any way is a sad insecure person that needs to take it out on someone. I hope you will no longer be a victim to this kind of hurt. I hope you can make things work. I wish you the very best!!

Sarah - posted on 01/11/2012

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Absolutely abusive! There are many kinds of abuse, not just physical. There is financial abuse (withholding money, including employment), emotional abuse (putting you down), social abuse (isolating you from family/friends). A lot of the time these abuses escalate. You say he's a good man, how so? If he's doing these things to you, he doesn't sound like a good man. Find a way out for your own sake, the sake of your children (current or future). Spend some time alone, go to counseling to heal from your current and past scars. Learn what is normal and not normal in a relationship and eventually look for someone who treats you like you should be treated, with kindness and love.

Alicia - posted on 01/11/2012

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RUN LIKE HELL AND NEVER LOOK BACK. Nothing worse than a mean man that can't treat you right. You deserve better, call your momma and get out of there.

Jackie - posted on 01/07/2012

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A good man will love, honor, and respect his wife. Do not marry this man, thinking he will change. Control is abuse, and if you're at a point where you are asking if it is, it is!

Carol - posted on 01/04/2012

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Well, this guy is YES an abuser. When you try to leave him, you will need protection. What city are you in? I am sure we could find you help. I have been here before. Not being allowed to do something is different than him just disagreeing with your decisions. What will happen when you do disagree? Are you afraid? You have your anwer. You need to find help. He will seem normal to other people if he is a "master manipulator." You maynot have any proof. If you have no bruises. No police reports... You have a bumpy road, but the sooner you leave, the less likely he is to kill you. I am not making a joke. the longer you are his property the worse the betrayal becomes to him. Be careful.

Let us know how we can help you. Tell us what city you are in. Have an officer present when you pack your things and do this when he is not home. You have to be sneaky. don't worry, your integrity will still be in tact. This is one of those exceptions.

I'm so glad yo have your Mom. Tell her to help you. Ask for help from eveyone that will not tell him.

Atira - posted on 01/04/2012

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I know you've had a number of other responses and I'm sure this just repeats what you keep reading... But I'd say, RUN!
I was in a relationship for nearly 3 years with a man that treated me similarly. I was allowed to have friends but because he restricted when & where I went out, my friends never wanted to be with me. I was called names and belittled then told how much he loved me. It was an emotional roller coaster. I finally left after I found out he had been cheating on me for a year. It hurt for a long time and I still have a hard time picking the right guy. It's difficult for me to tell when a guy is actually being sincere when he compliments me and I'm always waiting for them to put me down or for the compliments to somehow be back-handed...
Emotional abuse takes it's toll too. Do not discount the fact that just because you're not getting hit doesn't mean he's not hurting you...

Jen - posted on 01/03/2012

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I agree with everyone, it is abusive.

You deserve better. A man like that will not change.

If you never leave him, you will not find the man you truly deserve. One that will care for you and not abuse you.

If there are children inovled...the abuse will turn to them eventually.

Emotional and controlling abuse like that does turn into physical abuse..and it won't be just directed at you. Your kids are going to be hurt by it.

Even if your kids aren't physically abused; they will be hurt by the abuse happening to you.

If you can't leave for yourself; leave for your children.

They too deserve some adult male in their life that will be good to them.

Katrina - posted on 01/03/2012

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hunny that is abuse please get out i know what ur going through get a protection order for u and ur kids if u have any and go to family u need it trust me

Christy - posted on 01/02/2012

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Girl, get out NOW! Please! I kicked my fiance out 2 1/2 months ago for emotional & verbal ABUSE & YES what your fiance is doind is ABUSE! He is controlling you & verbally abusing you. Life WILL get better! Get away from this loser! Cut ties completely! You may feel for a bit, "Did I make the right choice?" as I did, but once you give it time, you will find YOU DID! Life doesn't need to be that way! You will find it can be SO much better than you even imagined! Best of luck to you!

Maribel - posted on 01/02/2012

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Dear Hope,
I know you have read some of our messages but I have no idea when you will be able to read the rest of them. You shouldn't have to hide to do things like checking your email, which thousands of women do all over the world on a daily basis with no need of feeling like you are doing something wrong. Leaving in fear is devastating and will weaken u day by day. Your past relationship was also an abusive and unhealthy one, I don't know much about you, but you need to love yourself more than you do and realize that you are worth a lot better than that. Sometimes in cases like yours, love gets confused with codependency. You feel like you love him so much, you can't leave him, and that he doesn't really mean it, but could you be in this same situation 3, 5, 10 years from now? Your eyes will be tired of crying and you will have become an appendage of him, he will think for you, make decisions for you, and make you feel like you can't live without him. Don't you think it is strange he doesn't want you to have friends? Of course, he wants to isolate you so you don't get ideas like the ones we are sharing with you. I am afraid for you if there is or ever will be a child involved, your heart will brake when he talks to you and treats you badly in front of your child. Or treats your child the way he treats you now. Are you willing to love him more than you love yourself? It is not enough that you love him, he has to love you back and his love language to me sounds like sickness, someone who controls and manipulates and insults you, doesn't love you. He should respect you, treat you like the good beautiful woman you are and try everything on his power to make you happy. Please, don't expect a change, it won't happen, I don't know how old he is, but if he is like this, he's been like this for a while and might never change, YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM!!! Change happens when we want not when others want us to change, and it is not your fault that he treats you the way he does. You might not be perfect, like I am not perfect or anyone else on this earth,but there is no excuse for him to make you feel like u are on a prison. He is not better than you or more worthy to be loved than you are, you deserve to be loved and taken care of by someone who cares about your needs. He has trust issues, and not matter what you do to prove to him that you are not doing anything wrong, he won't believe you. I know in your heart you love him, but you are choosing the wrong kind of man to be in love with, and you won't know it until you find one that treats you well, but you need to find inside yourself why you let this men treat you like that and think it is ok. You deserve better, and at the end of the day, you will make your own choice, but please, don't justify him, we, in this conversation can't be all wrong. We see the red signs, but you are involved emotionally and it is hard for you to see it, just remember, it is never too late to give yourself what you deserve, and that is to be loved for who you are, with your favorite make up, hairstyle and all the other things he is taking away from you. If he is this mean because of financial issues, how will he be when there are worse crisis in your lives. There is no excuse to treat a woman like that. You are a capable woman to stand for what you know is right and walk out of this situation with your head held up high. Good luck hope....

Darleen - posted on 01/01/2012

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Honey, it will only get worse...I've watched my daughter in a relationship like this. Get out now! You ARE definitely in an abusive relationship. Get help for yourself since you seem to pick abusive men and encourage him to get help for himself. If he blows up because you want to break it off, call the police and get to a safe house. Please don't wait!

Sarah - posted on 01/01/2012

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If you have to ask... chances are you are in a situation you need to leave. I know you love him, but when you have to make excuses for his behavior then you are simply enabling him. You will not change him, he will not change. Changefulness is something that should worry you. It is a sign of instability. You need to step away. This is not a good situation. You should have the freedom to be who you are and not live at the beck and call of someone else. Be yourself and find your way out.

Sarah - posted on 12/31/2011

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Yes this is emotional abuse, which can lead to physical abuse. If you don't have friends to help you, talk to your mom. Get out of this situation. If not for you then for your kids.
How are you doing? I didn't see any replies from you on this first page. If your mom can't help then use her computer to look up organizations to help you. Help is out there. You just have to be strong enough to take it. You can do it!!

Mariah - posted on 12/30/2011

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Yes this abuse Get out of that relationship it could get a lot worse once you get Married. No one has right till what Can and can't do.

Dusty - posted on 12/30/2011

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Yes, I can tell you from experience that this is abusive, & it will only get worse. I can almost guarantee that he will end up physically abusing you as well. This is EXACTLY how my relationship with my ex started out, & he ended up beating the hell out me. Thank God I had family who helped me to get out of there that same day! Please leave him. It's not worth risking your life over. And if you think he wouldn't kill you, think again. It takes the littlest things for guys like this to snap.

[deleted account]

Reading your post made me cry...

I was in an abusive relationship & sweetie, this is definately abuse. In my case it started out just like you, I was made to carry a pager & if I was 5 min late getting home from work, he flipped out & accused me of cheating. He would also dress me, tell me what clothes to buy and had me color my hair blond. He would also call me names & tried to make me feel worthless & threatened harm to my family if I ever left him. I saw warning signs, but I was so drawn to his "bad boy" attitude. But once we moved in together, s*it really started hitting the fan. I was so frozen in fear, brainwashed and "broken". A year and a half into the relationship, I was sure he would be the death of me. I remember praying so hard at night for God to get me out of there. Finally, one night he woke me & said it's time to go. I got up, snuck out of the house & was lucky that my abuser didn't do what he had promised he would if I ever left him. Of course there are many details left out & he was also physically abusive after we moved in together, but my point is, it spiraled out of control so quickly. And let me warn you, people who have never been in an abusive relationship will still judge you, don't listen to them. People used to tell me I was the last person they ever expected to see end up in that kind of mess. It can happen to anyone! If you show tendancy toward choosing abusive men, please do yourself a favor & seek counseling, find ways to build up your self esteem. Surround yourself with people who love you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! You need to get out, but be careful & be smart about it, he probably won't let you out that easily.

I am concerned that even after reading all these posts telling you to get out, you will still stay with him. One thing they pointed out to me in counseling is that abusive people will become more controlling & threatening when or if they feel they are losing control of you. It was so true in my case. Anytime I tried to defend myself or "talked back" he would lose it. Please leave NOW! I am praying for you.

Keri - posted on 12/28/2011

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I don't know about abusive but it is very controlling. It sounds like he wants to feel like the "man in charge" from the '50s. There's physical, emotional and mental abuse and just because he's not hitting you doesn't mean he's not abusive. I mentioned in another post in another forum that people need to turn to real help rather than just these online communities - make time to talk to a therapist or some other trusted person about it. Or better yet, just give the ring back.

Kristen - posted on 12/26/2011

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This post brought tears to my eyes ... especially how you don't even know if it is abuse ... you know what that means? He has absolute control over you, you are brain washed .... not to sound mean, but any one could hear that and know they are in an abusive relationship ...

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