How do you stay interesting to your husband as a stay at home mom?

Brandi - posted on 02/10/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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Ok ladies... My husband and I have not had much alone time since our son was born in June. We spend every waking second playing and nurturing him. Long story short, our love life has come to a screeching halt. I am a teacher and decided that it was very important to me and to my son for me to stay at home with him. Frankly I couldn't bare the thought of some stranger at a daycare taking care of him. But, I sat my very hard-working husband down for a talk last night and he proceeded to tell me that he is no longer in the mood because we are not spontaneous. We do the same routine every night. Lastly he told me that my mood had changed since our son was born. He said I needed to go out at night more and do things for myself. He thinks this would make things more interesting because for once I would be coming home to him.

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lol RUN if your husband is saying get out. This maybe your only chance. LOL! My girls are old enough now and pulling enough stunts that I always have something to talk to my husband about. Yet I'm the one normally who is tired of talking about them so run not many husbands offer a get away even if its an hour.

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April - posted on 02/12/2010

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Oh! Take his advice...get out and do something. I also feel the same way...it gets boring doing the same 'ole same 'ole. Nothing spontaneous anymore. But, if you have the chance to get out and hang out with some friends, go to dinner, whatever...do it. Well, i would anyway. Now, my topic of the day is what my son's poop looks like. ha ha. Thrilling :)

Sheryl - posted on 02/11/2010

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HI brandi! i know what your going through. cause my husbend said stuff like that me before too. what i do is dress up at least once a week and then i try to get out even if it see going shopping at the store at least i am out of the house. yeah its not as fun being by your self but then again. i still normal still come home with a story of something. but a least it something. it importan for you. i know your child is always in on your mind but reatly is sometime we have to just think of are self and are husbends. you said your husbend said something about missing spontaneous try like when your husbend home and when the baby is a sleep baby you know hit on him and have fun. you can even try a date night and you don't have to go out and leave your baby with anyone. me and my husbend do a movie date at home. cause we don't have a lot family where we live. hope thing get better. what could it hurt to give it a try. then he can't say you didn't try. hope that helps some.

Anna - posted on 02/11/2010

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Hi brandi! my husband and i went through the same thing. i really dont have many friends her in south korea that i can go out with so i do just go out by myself. even tho im by myself i still enjoy it. i agree what someone else said. put ur child down to bed at the same time every night that way you and your husband have that time a lone together. and on the weekend when ur child is napping. be spontaneous, catch him off guard in the kitchen with a long passionate kiss and see where that can lead you ;) get some sexy lingerie spice things up a little bit. and if hes offering for you to go out with your friends at night i would run at that opportunity haha.

Kimberly - posted on 02/11/2010

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HELLO BRANDI, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AND WHAT I FOUND THAT WORKS BEST IS WHEN YOU SET ASIDE SOMETIME FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND TO DO RANDOM THINGS. DATE NIGHT IS A MUST! I KNOW IT IS HARD BUT YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU CONTINUE TO PUT YOUR MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP IN THE TOP THREE MUST DO LIST. FIRST BEING YOUR KID, SECOND YOURSELF, AND THIRD YOUR MARRIAGE.

Laura - posted on 02/11/2010

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What my husband and I have started doing is having a "date night". We have 4 children so this time has become very important to us. For us it's friday night. It's a night that we just have "US" time, not necessarily going out, but making sure we have quality time together. This is a chance to talk, do something romantic, hire a DVD or play a game and usually we get some take aways as a treat. We do something simple for the kids dinner, put them to bed early and then have time for just us. Sometimes we'd get someone to babysit so we can go out. But it's a wonderful feeling knowing every friday that we are going to do something together.

If your husband is offering you some time for yourself this is also great. You could just go somewhere relaxing and sit and have a quiet think or read, go get your hair done or whatever. It helps to disentangle yourself from the monotony of everyday repetitiveness.

Things do change after you have kids, but you can't stop "dating" eachother. Keep doing nice things for eachother. A post-it note in a random place (the fridge, somewhere in his things where he'll come across it, etc) is a nice way to say things at random to eachother like "Love you" or "miss you when you're gone" or whatever you want to say. Just don't hide it in his sandwiches coz he'll probably just eat it. It is really fun and sweet coming across random notes like that. Try to be more spontaneous, it doesn't have to be a huge thing, just a relaxing shoulder massage here or foot rub there, have him come home to a favourite meal, put on something nice to suprise eachother (let your imagination do the work there). Find things to do together. Maybe what you could try is a his choice night and a her choice night, that way you each get to do something you enjoy. Falling in love is the easy part, keeping the fire alive takes work. And your son is only 6 months old and he's your first so recovery hormonally, emotionally, physically can take time. Just keep working together and you'll get there:) And as baby gets older and needs less attention (not so much feeding etc), you'll feel better too.

Amanda - posted on 02/11/2010

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Brandi,
I've been in the same situation as you. I don't want a stranger taking care of my children either and we actually don't trust most people even family to watch our children so it had made our relationship really tough. Now we give our children a bath and read them their bedtime stories and put them to bed and then it is our time, it doesn't matter how tired either one of us are we always stay up so we can have our hubby & wife time whether it's just talking. I do however on the weekends go visit friends or go shopping even if it's by myself, I do not like shopping by myself either but sometimes it helps me just to get away from everyone, so I do suggest going out once in a while even if it's by yourself.

Brandi - posted on 02/11/2010

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Thank you to everyone! All of the advice is appreciated. Unfortunately, it is harder than it seems. Last night I was supposed to meet my long time best friend for drinks and a little shopping, but her child became ill and she had to go home. So there I was all dressed up and nowhere to go! I could have gone shopping alone, but what fun is that? I guess that may be a little of my insecurity shining through. I hate it! I used to work as a nurse and I had the craziest hours. I was also in college full-time so needless to say my husband and I never had a lot of time together. But, what time we did was amazing. Now its just the same thing everyday. I love the time I have with my son and would probably cry my eyes out if I had to go to work. I just wish there could be a balance. I know that is probably selfish since most moms that work wish for more time with their kids. I even tried joining a gym. It is too expensive to join and then to pay childcare on top of it. I have no real reason to be complaining with all the awful things people go through in the world. I just feel like something is missing. I don't know if it is the attention from my husband or my own self-respect. Anyway, thanks again everyone...

Shawna - posted on 02/10/2010

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Brandi
Have a set bedtime and put your son to bed at the same time every night. After your son is in bed that is husband and wife time not mommy and daddy time. Tell your husband you are going to take a shower and come out in something he would like, don't go change clothes and climb on his lap while watching tv. There are so many ways to have a creative and spontaneous relationship with your husband. I do have to agree with him though...go out!!! Go get your nails done, your hair done, go buy a new outfit or meet a friend for coffee or a drink. I basically did not leave my daughter's side for the first year of her life and no doubt my marriage suffered. My daughter is not 3 and I have learned that she does not have to have me all the time. My husband and I also go out to dinner without kids at least twice a month. Put a little thought into what would surprise and satisfy your hubby and yourself, I think you will be pleased with the results. Good Luck!

Natalie - posted on 02/10/2010

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You have to have your own life, your own stories to tell... i have 2 kids and i do a lot with them so we always have something to tell him when we get home.
My husband is at home with the kids sometimes while i got over a friend's house for the evening or we go out to eat etc. So he's in charge, has to feed them dinner, bathe them, bring them to bed and i can go relax and have fun :-)
Doesn't happen that often, but i am going out this friday with a few friends.

As i said, have your own life, do things that keep you busy. Most men love independent women :-)

Laura - posted on 02/10/2010

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Hi Brandi!

When our daughter was smaller (she's 13 months now), my days revolved around what she did/ needed, to the point that my husband thought I was neglecting our older daughter. I had also developed PPD, which didnt help, but Ive been getting treatment for that now. Its good that your husband suggested you go out more...I think it's a good idea...I got the advice once to take care of myself emotionally/spiritually, and that will increase my self-confidence and be more attractive to hubby. I've started taking meditation classes, a dance class...and its working for me. I found a gym where the childcare is free near me, and I'm gonna be starting there soon too...trying to get my prebaby body back. (Because I was breastfeeding, my weight just wasnt coming off, and then too I had to have surgery back in June too, so there was the recovery, etc.) It's good that your husband is willing to take care of your son after working all day. (Mine is reluctantly willing to help after working all day.) I'm the same with you about not wanting a stranger raising my child, though we all need some time occasionally. (In our case, it also doesn't make sense for me to work, when my paycheck would just be going to daycare.) Good luck!!!

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