How much do you expect your husband to help out at home?

Elfrieda - posted on 05/02/2011

I don't think about it as such a cut-and-dried situation anymore. I used to, when we were first married and he was working full time and I was going to school part time, but it just made me angry, stressed, and depressed. He would much rather have a happy wife and have to wash the occasion sink of dishes or mop the floor than have a spic and span house with a resentful, exhausted wife.



Now we have a toddler, and I do most of the household cleaning and laundry, but he often washes the dishes and I dry (it's a nice time to chat), and he washes windows and sweeps sometimes. He also often cleans out the fridge, and sometimes cleans the bathrooms. (I hate those yucky jobs so much, and fawn over him when he's brave enough to do it. He likes that!)



So mostly I do the housework, but he doesn't feel like it's my job only, or that he's "above" doing it if it needs doing. I work on Fridays, and he's able to stay home with our son, which is awesome. He doesn't usually get as much done around the house (often nothing at all) but I don't really care. It's sort of like his bonding time with the boy, and also he understands on the days when he comes home and everything is a mess and I'm lying on the floor, groaning while our son whines on my pantleg. :)



We've also recently (about 5 months ago) come to an agreement about meals. We alternate weeks. Supper has to be on the table between 5 and 7, and it doesn't even matter if it's cereal, as long as it's *something*. That way I feel more energized to make great meals because it's not a never-ending chore, and he gets to practice his cooking skills, which he enjoys but if I didn't ask he wouldn't do. He doesn't think of it as an extension of his job at work, he thinks of it as a creative outlet, and he usually comes up with at least one gourmet meal each week! It sure lights a fire under my butt, and now we kind of try to "out-fancy" the other one night a week, and we pretend we're on a date. :)



So, after a lot of rambling, yes, I think you should be asking him to do something in the house. Why not? It's his house, too, and why should you work 18 hours a day and expect him to only work 8? It's not the 1950s, and it's nice to not have such rigid gender roles. These days, you get to know your partner and he gets to know you, instead of both of you trying to fit into husband-wife roles.



If your husband has a problem with that, maybe you could gently encourage him to be more helpful, or maybe you can just think of ways to make it easier on yourself by cutting corners or not doing everything the way you learned. If he's loving and appreciative, he probably would be upset to learn that you feel stressed about trying to do everything, and would like some guidance so that he can 'rescue' you from that feeling. Most men like to save their women, and if you frame it that way, he might surprise you and go to battle with that dragon pile of dishes to rescue his damsel in distress! :)

Shellee - posted on 05/02/2011

UUMMMM YEAH!! yes he does work what like 10 or 12 hours a day but you work 24/7. he should help. if he sees something that needs to be done then he needs to do it. and askin wont hurt. my husband and i went throw this.i was at my wits end.but after i told him where i was comin from and what i felt and he did the same, then all was better. i hope i have helped a lil.

Chrissie - posted on 05/02/2011

I went through this last year with my husband. I was very overwhelmed. Working full time, dealing with the kids and the house on my own.. I finally broke down and he looked at me like I was crazy and said "Babe all you had to do was tell me you need help.. You hadn't said anything so I thought you were fine" He does little things here and there now. Things as LITTLE as unloading the dishwasher make a BIG difference to me. He carry's the full laundry basket's upstairs and has been a lot better with entertaining the 5 year old for me. And I always make sure to thank him. ♥

Good Luck

Michelle - posted on 05/02/2011

I my situation I don't ask him to do much, he keeps up our vehicles changes the oil and works on them when parts break. He keeps up our garden all I have to do is water every once in a while when he is too busy. He also works full time. Like you we have 2 kids one being a newborn and somedays it's hard to get things done but I don't sweat it because my house is lived in and no one is perfect. Somedays alls I get done is the dishes and luandry and I'm lucky to get a shower. Don't be hard on yourself for not getting things done. At the end of the day it is your choice to ask him or not, don't feel bad for asking for some help. Most people don't know how hard it can be unless they are in your shoes. Maybe ask for him to do more on his days off. Like watch the little ones while you go to the store or have him do the laundry or dishes or bathe the kids. I know I hate the way my hubby does the dishes so I don't ask him to do them. I always have to rewash them. When we had our newborn he had to do it all because I was laid up for 2 weeks (due to major headaches from the spinal tap they did on me), but I think he realizes what it is like to be a stay at home mom or dad. He is much more willing to help now that he knows what it's like to do it all, well most of it, he does keep up the outside work.

Marylea - posted on 05/02/2011

I don't ask my husband to do much around the house. He too works full time while I stay at home. I just ask that on his days off and after work that he takes time to play with/take care of our daughter. I only have one kid and my house is a mess right now (I had family come visit for a week and I still haven't gotten things back to normal)

check out my blog at
www.me-myselfandbaby.blogspot.com

Heather - posted on 05/02/2011

I second this reply! This is my exact situation (almost) - couldn't have said it better!

Jane - posted on 05/01/2011

Hi Nichole,
I have 2 kids in the house too and I understand ur fustrations about the mess :D. My Hubbi helps out with what he can when he comes home from work. He can see on me that its not easy to take care of 2 kids plus clean up after them and make dinner get the kids in the shower and also put them to bed. So what he dose is he helps out cleaning the house with that I didnt get during the day, he will at times make dinner or help out making it or taking care of the kids, he helps out giving them their baths and also tucking them in. :D I think u should talk to ur Hubbi about this tell him how u feel and that u need so help not alot just alittle :D He also has to remember that just because u are a at home mother dose not mean that u are not working couse this is also a job a 24/7 job and we have no time no breaks to take we cant just let everything go when we want to. things has to be done and we need our Hubbis to help out too. so that we can relax just about 30 min to and hour thats not much but it helps alittle for us to regain our strengh :D
Best Reguards Jane

CANDY - posted on 05/01/2011

Well im in the same boat you are i stay at home and the hubby goes and works...i really dont expect him to do much around the house however i do expect him to maintain the house clean as for example make sure he throws his dirty clothes in hamper cleans after himself etc..he takes out the trash and well mows the lawn and cleans cars..the most important thing for me is not for him to help out so much in the house but spend quality time with the baby..i feel since i stay at home all day he should also interact with the baby..thats my biggest thing daddy time. Also it is never wrong to ask for a little help sometimes..i ask for it when i need it and hubby is more than happy to help. :)

Natasha - posted on 05/01/2011

I don't ask my husband to do much, since he works nights full-time and needs to sleep through the day. On days he's off though, I do ask him to do a little. Most of it is with the kids, like bathing our son (I'll go ahead and bathe the girls) and putting the kids to bed. He understands that what I do is full-time, all-the-time job and is willing to help in other ways when I get overwhelmed or run down.

Jessica - posted on 05/01/2011

I don't really know how to answer that cause my fiance is gone 13hrs a day & still helps with our girls. Sometimes if I haven't gotten any sleep or I'm overwhelmed he lets me lock myself in our room and relax for an hr or so.

Stephanie - posted on 05/01/2011

I stay at home & my husband works full time. I do all of the cleaning & laundry, etc. We take turns cooking dinner, he gives the kids a bath, & he does the yard work. You have to look at it this way, when he gets off work to come home, technically that is the end of his work day, but as a stay at home mom you don't get to clock out. In my opinion it's completely reasonable to ask for some help once he gets home :)

Bri - posted on 05/01/2011

My soon to be husband helps out no matter what, even he just laid down in the recliner for a quick nap! No hesitation or complaining. I guess I picked out a good egg.

Jennifer - posted on 05/01/2011

Okay just because you don't financially contribute (some would say but I don't cuz if u needed child care it would bankrupt you!) Doesn't mean he doesn't have to do anything. My husbands in the army and can work 5am-5pm.. BUT our job as a mother is never over. We're not invincible even though we try to be, so they need to help! Especially when my husband tends to make a mess, I let him know he can clean it! Hahaha. We're mother's 1st.. Not maids! Now why can't we ALL just be rich?! Haha

Sarah - posted on 05/01/2011

I say yes... when I was growing up, my Dad worked all day but he was the one who did baths at night and put us to bed. It was a special time and just Daddy did it. It was nice because it meant that we knew we would have that time with him every night. I think it is important for Dads to be involved with some part of the daily routine... feeding them breakfast before he heads to work or taking care of baths in the evening or doing the bedtime routine. Otherwise, they are there for fluff only and Mom is the one who does everything.

Nichole - posted on 04/30/2011

LOL that's so true Jane!! I love that saying! You just keep cleaning while the kids keep making messes! It's exhausting! I'm going to post that on Facebook. :) All in all being a mom is a huge blessing though! I know we all feel that way. Keep your tips up!

Jane - posted on 04/30/2011

i dream every day that my husband will help out, but it doesn't seem to pan out. oh, well.
another mom told me that "trying to keep your house clean w/little kids is like shoveling your driveway during a blizzard." aslong as your kids are healty and happy, you're doing great.

Krystyna - posted on 04/30/2011

When my husband comes home from his full time job, he is a full time father at home. He helps out 100% with feeding, bathing, housecleaning, bedtime, etc and is very hands on. They are OUR children and the responsibilities should be shared equally. Just because we are SAHMs does not mean our "jobs" and time should be minimized. We are just as tired and sometimes sick, but we get no days off and no breaks. They leave their jobs at a specific time are done for the day. We do our jobs 24/7.

We had the children together and all our responsibilites are shared together. That is our firm belief.

Stifler's - posted on 04/29/2011

Who cares if your house is a bit messy. You have kids, it's called lived in. But yes he should be helping out with the baths and dishes and taking out trash and stuff if you ask.

Natasha - posted on 04/29/2011

I would just ask him to help out a bit maybe keep an eye on the kids while you catch up on whatever it is you need to catch up on =]

Nichole - posted on 04/29/2011

Wow Michelle! 3 kids under 3! You are an amazing woman! I have started the conversation and most of it boils down to him asking me to use a housekeeper a few hours a week. :) He's really into his work right now and so he doesn't want to have to worry about the house much but he does see that it is too much for me all alone. Thanks!

Michelle - posted on 04/29/2011

My husband works hard to support us. I think he's appreciative. He certainly loves and respects me. He does very little around our house though. He takes care of the trash most of the time, watches the kids occasionally, and is in charge of most of the yard work (which oddly usually involves paying my nephew to do his part). I am in charge of the rest (and all of it when he's out of town at least one week a month). Since my house is mostly a disorganized mess, I have come to the conclusion that I need to ask my husband to do more. After all the 3 kids and house are his too. Unfortunately I've waited so long that I face an uphill battle. Learn from my mistakes and start the conversation now. You can't do it all alone. I do think it's fair that I handle a large portion since I'm home with the kids but with 3 kids aged 3 and under it's not realistic to do it all alone.

Charity - posted on 04/29/2011

I don't expect my husband to do that much. On occasion if I ask him to help me out after baths to get the kids in their pj's, he will. As for asking him to do something like take out the trash or something like that he says ok then that night or the next day it will still be there so I really don't expect that much. And also I am a bit of a control freak...I like all of my cans and boxes in the cabinet lined up perfectly, and the dishes have to be put in the rack a certain way and I absolutely have to vaccuum everyday or it will drive me crazy until I fix it or do it right.

Nomsa - posted on 04/29/2011

as for me, i gave up, trying to get my husband to help. occasionally he will do things unasked, but usually he thinks i push him around. But i dont care, i ask him because he will not help if i dont ask. Am 32 weeks pregnant with a 16 months todler, its not fun at all.o if you need help, ask him to help.

April - posted on 04/29/2011

LOL Nichole that is so true. My husband says that all the time when my kids were newborns, made me see red :D

Heidi - posted on 04/28/2011

My hubby works full time and I am a stay at home mom and I love being able to see my lil boy grow up, I was pretty good about keeping up with things until becoming pregnant a second time and being very sick the 1st trimester. When I was that sick I told him he needs to help with laundry, sometimes he would help with dishes, and he had to do the cooking because the smell of food made me sick. I felt kind of bad about depending on my husband after him working all day but I needed that extra help. Even now that I am feeling better I still ask him to change dirty diapers once in a while and get our son ready for bed because I feel he should take some part in that stuff anyways, besides its kind of nice to get a break once in a while. ;p

Nichole - posted on 04/28/2011

LOL. very funny! I love it when we've been up all night with the baby and we say we're tired in the morning and our husband who has been snoring while we were up with the fussy baby at our wits end says "ya, me too!!! I didn't sleep very well!" and we think of murder as a viable option! ha ha. They can really make our blood boil can't they!? ha ha. But in the end, they are wonderful and want to help, just sometimes slightly on the clueless side. :)

Jennifer - posted on 04/28/2011

Depending on what time of the month it is, this can be a very emotional issue. heheheh.

I have days when getting dressed in the morning just so i can cook and clean all day makes me extremely depressed. This is a bad day for the hubby to slowly wake up in a daze and ask me if his eyes are puffy, while i change the diaper, clean the kitchen and get breakfast ready.

When I am just taking care of my son though, i feel extremely lucky and the trade off is slavery. Haha, no really, i find that they will do what you ask. Sometimes it kills to HAVE TO ask, or to HAVE TO ASK NICELY. What really kills me is when they think that they are going to be really helpful and clean a bunch of stuff that is already been cleaned.

Really, you are doing childcare, head cook, and houseworker? How many jobs does he have? Yeah, he can help. I say when we're home together, the mess is ours. The laundry is OURS, the dishes are OURS, the floors and bathroom are OURS. If they need to be done, split it up, even with the kids, clean together. Why should you be the only one working overtime?

Nichole - posted on 04/28/2011

Thanks everyone! I don't mind asking as long as he does things willingly for me when I do ask. And he does. I like doing most of the things in the house and with the kids myself because it makes me feel good! I love it when I have done a lot of work in the house or with the kids and I see the benefits of it because I grew up in a house where I had no chores and am innately lazy because of it. I feel proud that I take care of the house and kids like it's my full time job. But just as you all feel, sometimes I feel my job goes a lot further and longer than my husband's and that's when I ask him to step up! :)

Lindsey - posted on 04/28/2011

Personally you can ask but i don't think you should have to ask. I am not married but we are engaged and have been together for 6 years when i first met my fiance' he use to be so organize and couldn't stand a mess now...i have to stay on him and a long with the kids... i have 2 kids with him and 2 step children. i am a stay at home mother but i don't think i should have to do everything by myself. it might sound selfish and yes most of the time when i do ask he helps but i dont like to ask if i have to ask then i might as well do it myself. I am very OCD about my house stay clean and organized but they fail to realize this. My 2 step children are not very organized or clean kids either! my 3 year old will help me vaccum sweep and unload dryer and load the dryer and everything before they will even lift a finger or ask if i need help...I recently had a melt down and i thought that day would never come but it happened and i snapped! I had a loud ugly talk with them but then i apologized for my ugliness but then they understood. I am one person sometimes feeling like i am taking care of 6 people and can never take care of my self or i always come last or not at all..so yes i snapped.. but my point got across and as for my fiance' he has been helping out a lot more lately but my 2 step children well lets just say they are just like their mother lazy and don't clean...would much rather live in a messy house and i dont live that way. I love my 2 step children just like my own. But i try my best everyday to teach them to be responsible for their own and to clean up after their own! anyways my opinion you shouldn't have to ask but a talk is always nice and if he or they doesn't listen then maybe you might have to snap like me

Brittany - posted on 04/28/2011

My husband's main job is the cat box. Until recently I didn't have a long enough period to clean it without my daughter needing something or waking from a nap.

My hubby loves to cook but is way to tired by the time he gets home at 8-9pm. He'll often cook something on his days off.

We have a fairly small place ( about 900sq ft), so keeping it clean isn't that hard. If things get really cluttered (like the desk) I'll ask him to help out and declutter things. Especially since most of the time it is with either his work stuff, hobby stuff, or other things that I have no idea where he wants them.

I honestly don't mind doing all the work myself as long as he'll help when I ask for it. Which isn't often. I think Alexis had a good point, as long as he doesn't make things more work than they need to be then things are fine.

Laura - posted on 04/28/2011

My husband is great with helping when he can. Right now he works and he is in school in the evenings so things are pretty nuts for him. I do find that I'm sluggish with the house work. He's great with helping with the kids though while I get things done.

Alexis - posted on 04/28/2011

M-F my hubby doesnt help with house work, he works 60 hrs a week. All I ask is that dirty clothes make it in the basket and dirty dishes make it to the kitchen. He does help with bedtime by his own choice and will give baby a bath if he really needs it on evenings I am in school late. Saturday and Sunday are his days off and my days off too. The house can get pretty trashed on the weekends. I will usually take out the trash or put in a load of dishes simply because I don't want the place to smell, but it will get cluttered. If I have a big organization project or something he will help me. He helps 100% with our son on the weekends, feeds him, changes him, lets me have a nap, does family things with us, etc.

Michelle - posted on 04/28/2011

Yes, your husband should help out. He lives there right?
My husband and I are partners. When he is at work then I'm at work taking care of the KIDS. That is my job. That is why we agreed I was staying home. I'm not a housekeeper. If that was the case then I will go back to work and put the kids in daycare. It would be the same thing as being a housekeeper in my mind. If I am taking care of the house then I am not taking care of the kids. At that point I would rather be at a job I want to do. If you can't tell I'm not a fan of housekeeping.

We divvy up the chores, cooking, yard work, and such. Also, when he gets home my job is done and we both start to co parent.

This all might change when all my kids are in school full time. By that time hopefully I'll go back to school for a another degree since I'll have been out of work for 10 plus years or something. When I do eventually go back to work I will probably be working part time since my boys will be busy with activities in school and out of school. Plus, I want to volunteer at the schools.

I'm also lucky that he works regular hours. If he worked a lot then we probably wouldn't have had four kids.

I guess it depends on what you want out of your relationship, expectations, and what type of hours your partner works.

Erin - posted on 04/28/2011

I've never really had this problem. I'm pretty fortuneate that when my husband sees some things like a load of laundry or clean dishes in the dishwasher, he'll put them away. But really only when he sees that I'm tired. If I'm still powering away through my chores he'll stay away, cause he knows he'll just get snapped at for getting in the way. lol But when I work on the weekends, he get's nothing done. Not that he doesn't do anything, but the kids are always one step ahead of him and he has nothing to show for his hard work :( So by monday I'm doing extra work getting the house back into shape. Though, I like to look at it as reassuring, because it makes me feel like a good homemaker that I can keep the house nice and orderly (and he cant lol). It just shows him that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I can't wait till I'm done working! Then my house will always be nice.

Lisa - posted on 04/27/2011

When he's home, hubby helps out with making dinner and with taking care of the kids. I don't ask for help with other things because well okay I'm anal about how things are done.
My opinion...talk to him. He should at least be helping out with the kids when he's home.

Danielle - posted on 04/27/2011

I stay at home and basically take care of most of the major cleaning like the laundry, dishes, vacuuming, food preparations, ect.

When my husband works days he always gives our son a bath, always puts him to bed, and will also does some tidying when I ask.
The cleaning he usually handles are common sensical tasks...for example: bringing down the laundry when he is already coming down the stairs, putting his clothes in the hamper, putting his own dishes in the dishwasher...just basic tidying.

Also, when he has days off we usually spend a portion of the time cleaning and tidying up the house to pick up some of the missed clutter.

I don't think it is to much to ask for a little added assistance to keep organized.
As long as all the major cleaning is done, then maybe come to an agreement that one one of his days off that you and him will spend a couple hours doing a big rush clean to tie off the loose ends.

Medic - posted on 04/27/2011

My husband works 2nd shift but we really do share the chores equally....well he probably does more than I do. He is and always has been more worried about me and if I am tired or not feeling well and if I am happy. Now that we have two kids I think he is just happy the house is standing and we are all alive. I warned him before we got married that I suck at being a house wife and I never wanted to be stuck at home. I think you should ask.

Joy - posted on 04/27/2011

My husband works full time overnight. Most days he works 10-12 hours Monday through Friday and sometimes Saturday. We share household responsibilities, although I do end up doing most of them. As long as I ask him for help, he is more than happy to help me. The only problem I have is that I end up having to REPEATEDLY ask him to help and by that time, Mommy's not a happy camper lol

I say definitely ask for the help when you need it. Another thing that works for us is to sort of "assign" jobs. Like, the kitchen is my domain. Very rarely does he have to do any cleaning in the kitchen. I like it that way because everything is where I want it lol His domain is things like taking out the garbage, sifting the litter box, mowing the yard. This works for us most of the time.

Constance - posted on 04/27/2011

In my house we share everything. When we live in the same house. Yes he works full time but I didn't have our kids alone. I can't do it all by myself. I'm doing it by myself right now and he is not here. I am stressed out and trying to keep it together.

Stephanie - posted on 04/27/2011

Your day doesn't end at 5pm so his shouldn't either. My husband doesn't do a whole lot at home either, but he will help if I ask. And usually he just jumps up to help and doesn't give me a guilt trip for asking. But if I don't ask - forget it. He may "superclean" one day a month while I'm at school or work (I work a little less than "part time").



Oh, and going on strike doesn't usually work here. I'm trying it with the dishes right now to no avail...

Amanda - posted on 04/27/2011

I know exactly what you are talking about. My hubby works 12 hr shifts during the day but not every day. He doesn't like to do a lot either but he will help me sometimes if i ask him to....fold laundry or wash dishes. However he takes care of keeping up the vehicles and the lawn. I can say that i expect him to help out if he sees that i am overwhelmed with things to do. Sometimes the housework just piles up in no time. But the most important thing is making sure my babies are fed and clean and and i always know that if a dish doesn't get washed or laundry doesn't get folded that day that i can pick up on it tomorrow :)