How much does your husband/boyfriend actually help with your children?

Sara - posted on 10/06/2010 ( 314 moms have responded )

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We all know that being a SAHM is physically and mentally taxing, and at the end of the day, when you're dying for a break, does your signifigant other help you out?
I know mine doesn't.
He comes home, says hello to our son and hangs out on the computer, or watches tv, or even leave the house again late at night and doesn't come home until after the baby is asleep!
I want to know, if any of the other SAHM moms have the same problem, and if not, how does your partner help you? Also, I'd love some advice on how to motivate my husband to be more involved, seeing as he hasn't changed a diaper or bathed our baby since he was 4 days old.
I mean, to me, I feel as if the men should help, but more often than not I see that most guys don't really become interested in helping out until they can walk and talk, which to me is total BS.
Tell me what you think! =))

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Renee - posted on 10/06/2010

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Sara my hubby is a lot like yours. I can count on 1 hand the number of diapers he has changed with our 2 kids since they were born (2 1/2 yr son and a 6mos old daughter). He has never given either of them a bath either. He will only get our son dressed if I give him the clothes and specifically tell him to get him dressed so we can get moving faster. He normally will get himself ready and I have to get myself and both kids ready in that same amount of time otherwise he starts to get annoyed with me that I am "puttering". Maybe once or twice a month he will do the dishes but only after I do some major complaining. Then I have to praise him like I do after my 2 year old uses the potty. I have to tell him to pick up our daughter if she is crying and I can't get to her because I am making HIM dinner. He just keeps telling me that he doesn't know what to do or what is normal for kids. He is not the first parent that wasn't raised around kids that now has children. They seem to learn how to interact and care for their child.

He works 3rd shift (7pm-7am) then sleeps all day. So I have to keep the kids quieter during the day. He refuses to wear ear plugs when he sleeps because he doesn't "trust" me to wake him up on time and he can't hear the alarm then. When he is awake he is getting ready for work, playing on his computer, or watching TV. On his days off he isn't very active with the kids either. He is getting better with our son now that he can "play" more now. I think he will be a better dad once the kids are in school and start to do things that my hubby is interested in (hunting, fishing, snowmobiling, target shooting, etc) He goes out to play with his friends and I am at home caring for the kids then have to make dinner or "treats" for them when they get back. I feel like such a 50's wife and Mom but I was raised to be very independent and not have to rely on any man to survive.

Lisa - posted on 10/06/2010

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My hubby travels over half of the month and when he's home, he has missed his kids so much he takes over a lot of the care for them. I get to sleep in. I still do all of the housework, laundry, cooking, etc., but it's so nice to have him basically take over the kids. We farm also so when he is home he'll often be in the barn or shop but if our son (my wild man) is starting to drive me wild, I just take him out to the shop and daddy takes over.

I feel the housework is my responsibility, as that's my job. He does help me with the garden and lawn but otherwise, those are my job responsibilities. As far as helping out with the children, yes, I do believe that is a two person job. But if you want more help, I wouldn't bombard him with requests. And I always feel the roundabout approach works well. If I want to finish up cooking dinner without kids in the kitchen, I make a game out of finding daddy and tickling him and then quickly say, hey, as long as you got them controlled, I'm going to finish up dinner quick. Or I'll ask at dinner, do you want to do dishes or give the kids a bath (he'll always pick the bath).

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My hubby helps out quite a bit when he is able. He is a shift worker/on call so he has missed birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Thanksgiving....etc., so he wants to spend time with the kids when he is home. He does enjoy cooking and mowing the lawn sends him into some weird kind male zen zone. I know I should say I am lucky, grateful, etc. but the way I see it, a REAL man is supposed to take care of his family and home. And that doesn't just mean the money. That means he is the Rock. When he sees his wife struggling...he helps to ease her burden. When he brings children into this world, he helps look after them. When his partner is tired, overwhelmed, or weakened....he raises her up. I believe God has placed a man and wife in partnership together, and partners don't sit on their arse in front of a square box while the other one works like a dog. Of course I do try to do as much as I can, inside the house is my domain. I'd rather just do it, then tell how I want it done. but no one can do any job 24/7, yet that is the life of most SAHM's. I try very hard not to hit him with all the trials and tribulations (or the frying pan) when he first gets in the door. I recognize he may have had a bad day too.....especially with his job. I may have handed him the baseball bat once or twice and told him he needed to go "talk" with His son. LOL. But often he will go play with the kids while I put supper on the table...... he is also usually at work 3 nights a week, so he is glad to put the time in when he can. He works the weekends often too.....maybe it is all that time away that puts things in perspective. Plus, he learned pretty quick the first time a baby woke up in the night and he responded with "you get him, I have to get up and work in the morning...." that he was welcome to go find a nice quiet bachelor pad where he could get all the quiet sleep he wanted. That attitude just doesn't fly with me. Think about it......do you really want someone who is continually exhausted caring for your child all day? Think not. So while the majority of child care and home care is my primary job and that I will bend over backwards most of the time and gladly do it, he has also learned pretty quick "happy wife, happy life".

Medic - posted on 10/06/2010

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My husband does a lot of things and I know I am lucky and tell him how much it means to me. He just got out of the army so he has missed a lot. I do feel it is just as much my husbands job as mine to keep the house. Last time I checked he wore his clothes and dirtied up the dishes and used that bathroom also. He gets our son up for school and walks him to the bus, he washes all the laundry and I fold them and put them away and he usually does the dishes. Since he is now working and I am in school we tend to just rotate everything else. I also don't believe in the roundabout way of anything if I need him to do something you bet your butt I just tell him.

Wendi - posted on 10/20/2010

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I am extremely fortunate! My husband and I are a team and we work together. He works and earns the money it takes to raise our family. I stay home and take care of the household things. After work, we have family time. Which means, if something needs to be done, one or both of us get it done. Baths, homework, household projects, shopping, whatever we NEED to do, so we can get to things we WANT to do, together as a family. Of course, I wouldn't have married my husband if our family wasn't his first priority. I had three children from a prior marriage and wanted to do it right this time around!!

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Jessica - posted on 11/10/2010

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Well I had my son 7 weeks early due to high blood pressure so he was only 3lbs 15 oz and hes a month and three weeks and just now 7lbs so hes tiny..when it comes to feeding him my boyfriend does help but he's very scared to hold him right now so I mainly do everything by myself..for now.

Peggy - posted on 10/26/2010

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I have been seeing someone now for 5 months and i really wish, not only would he do more but that my daughter and he would develop a better relationship. He is rathern stern with her and she is not used to this approach. The last guy i dated was a Disney dad. I have learned that my new boyfriend is correct in ways I have not thought of before. IE- she is now 7 and is capable of doing things on her own. IE- chores, get her own milk, etc.. I guess it is just this transition period that has me stressed out. Actually the two of them get along pretty well if I shut my mouth and try to stay behind the scene a bit. It just breaks my heart that they don't completely bond. I am not sure what to do but do know that my feeling that I am an "interpretor" between the two of them must stop because I am driving myself crazy!!!! Any suggestions/comments/reassurance/stories of women in the same boat would be soooooo appreciated! Thanks

Karen - posted on 10/25/2010

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You're definitely not alone. My husband has two daughters by his first wife (they are 17 and 19) He used to brag about how he changed more diapers than his ex did. Ha! He doesn't change our daughter unless he is alone with her or I outright ask him to! He has only given her one bath (she is 9 mths) He works an 8-5 Mon - Fri desk job. I understand that I'm a SAHM but, is it too much to expect a little bit of help when he gets home or to be allowed to sleep in on an occasional weekend morning? He makes great money and I appreciate the opportunity to stay home with the baby but, like you said at the end of the day sometimes I would like him to bathe her and put her to bed.

Alyssa - posted on 10/24/2010

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Have you ever heard of the love and respect series by Dr Emerson? he has some helpful advice speak his ;language and he will help more it really works I totally understand where you are coming from!

Christine - posted on 10/24/2010

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I know my guy works and sleeps and hangs out with his friends he doesnt cook, pickup after himself he is a very good dad but doesnt really give me any time off .... its frustrating

Moana - posted on 10/24/2010

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my son is almost 5 and my daughter 15 month. my husband is in the army so he is coming home like1700. when he comes home he is playing with both kids for 1 hour then we are eating and at 7 both kids are going to bed. he is helping me alot, he is cleaning the living room when i put the kids to bed. he is changing diapers, he is cooking (sometimes), he is washing laundry. if i ask for help he is helping me....okay there are days where he is doing nothing, but that is okay... but i would say there are not alot husbands who are helping. i am lucky and thankful

Sarah - posted on 10/23/2010

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My boyfriend encourages me to go out and have a girls night when i need a break. Its so wonderful to have him offer to watch our son so i can see my friends which is very important to me to keep those relationships. I offer the same for him when he needs a night out with the boys. Its nice for both of us to get that time away to relax and have a good time with our friends. We come home happy and ready to tackle life again. A relationship should be equal give and take :)

Lindsay - posted on 10/23/2010

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My husband is a Very good and involved father when he is actually home. However, he is NEVER home. It drives me nuts because I feel like I am the only one who has made sacrifices in my life, yet his life hasn't changed at all. I never do anything for myself and its always my responsibility to find a babysitter for our son whenever I want to do something or go out, he never takes him for me. But when he wants to go out and do something, he just expects me to be here with him. I would imagine this is a normal thing for stay at home moms, but I really just don't think its fair!

Anne Marie - posted on 10/23/2010

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My husband helps 110% and eventually wants to be a stay at home dad once our DS is weaned!

Sarah - posted on 10/22/2010

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My boyfriend does pretty much whatever I ask him to regarding our 6 month old son. He helps out alot with housework too. I stay at home with our son and my bf works 8-5. When he comes home he is exhausted (as am i) but he steps right in to help with whatever I need. Sometimes it takes some nudging but he does what I ask eventually. He does the yardwork, dishes, makes us dinner, and does his own laundry, bathes our son, and gets up with our son every night for his night feeding. I make it very clear that I chose to stay at home to take care of our son not be a maid. We have a cleaning lady but we split the housework when it needs to be done. I make sure to thank him for all he does and show my appreciation. I am not his mom or maid but his equal partner in life :) I think that if you want ur hubby to start helping out more, let him know you need help. Encourage and praise him when he helps you out (men need their egos stroked and need lots of praise lol) as long as you keep doing all the work, he will keep expecting you too.

Christine - posted on 10/22/2010

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I agree with Renee my fianc eis the exact same. He will come home form work, play on the computer or watch tv and not even acknowledge the boys much except to yell at them for being to loud or noisy. My boys love their daddy even though he is often tired and not wanting anything to do with them. He has occasionally helped out with dishes and cleaning, but not as much as I'd love him to help out, and he has not changed a diaper since both boys were days or weeks old. Sleeping in, what the hell is that? The only time I was allowed to sleep in was when our oldest who is 3 now was a few months old, since then I have never even slept longer then 4 hours a night. I have 2 boys, 26 mths and 3.5 years old. Only recently, like the last 2 mths have I been allowed to go out without my kids, not for fun, to go grocery shopping, or get diapers. To go out with friends....HA....what friends? I'm not allowed to go with friends, not like I have any, but if I go out with any friends without my kids for longer then a half hour then I am definately cheating, or going to meet my boyfriend, or something. It is stressful, tiring, irritating. My fiance goes out almost every weekend, going partying with his aunt and uncle at their house, or gone fishing for hours at a time. I never get to do anything. The only family I have who will help me out are my parents, and they live ont he outskirts of town and I don't drive, so I see them maybe twice a month, and when I do see them, I'll be at their house. My mom will get up with the kids, and thats the only time I am allowed to sleep in, is if my mom is there. My mom will watch my boys while my father and I go out, do some fishing or hunting, but it just doesn't seem like enough time. There are so many people who do not get any help, I noticed in these replys...every1 seems o lucky to have someone to help them. I envy each and everyone on here. I am so lost sometimes, deprived of sleep, energy, brain power...Im a zombie living in a world where midgets rule lol. But I manage, and because we're woman, we will keep strong and go on through it all no matter what comes our way

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i hubby works away 2 weeks away then 1 week home .....and he will help out most of the time but i find that if i cry then i get a lil bit more help dont get me wronge i did not cry to get the help but i have twin boys 13 months old and i have been doing this on my own for bout 4 -5 months now but i think ya just need to tell him how ya feel or u and bub go out when he gets home then he will see what he is missing out on

Laura - posted on 10/21/2010

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my husband and i have a 6mth old, he comes home around 4-5pm all 7days, considering the fact that he works under the sun or out in the cold all day, i dont ask him for much, as i am home all day and since its just us 3 i only clean 2-3 times a week, so when my son is in a good mood or he is naping i have free time, which my husband doesnt, so i do understand if he wants to relax after work, that doesnt mean he can not help me for it IS HIS SON, not a stranger so when he starts slacking i do bring it to his attention, he wakes up at least once a night, plays with him, and takes him a bath.

Dawn - posted on 10/21/2010

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I home school our 10 year old as well as having an *almost* 2 year old son. My husband and I have had many heart to heart conversations on this. He tries to help out but sometimes he just doesn't get it.. On these days I have to (nicely) remind him we are team, and I'm tired too! That normally gets him helping out more. I advise you to talk to your husband, when neither one of you are upset, tired or unusually stressed. Tell him how you feel and hear him out as well. Come to some sort of compromise. The key is to figure out what makes his tick. Yelling or nagging won't make him want to help. I know what works with my husband. I have to ask, or just tell him what I need him to do. Some guys would get mad at that, but that is what he has told me to do, so I do.. Very rarely will he just decide to do laundry.. But, if I ask, he will.

Mosi - posted on 10/21/2010

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My husband is an awesome helper. He plays with them and reads to them. Every Staurday morning he gets up and cooks a family breakfast.
He loves his children and is an all around great dad and husband.,

Nikki - posted on 10/21/2010

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I have been with the father of my child for six years. When our son was born he let me do everything because he did not know really who to handle a newborn, he did the best he could but I think he could have tried a little harder. He always had the bottles ready and would leave them by our bed but back then i wish he would had got up in the am so i could sleep a little longer but when he was a newborn i had to do everything cause i thought i knew better and knew just what he needed ,I should have had him do more and trusted he could handle it.We have grown up together and if it was not for him then i could lose my mind sometimes. My child and his father have a good relationship and he helps me all the time ,I love him with every part of my heart and soul and thank god everyday that god picked us to be our sons mother and father!

Kim - posted on 10/21/2010

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My hubby did not help at all with the first 2, his excuse...work. Gee, I was working then, also. Now I am sahm, and he is helping out more. He gets our 10 year old up for school, and plays games with her in the evenings. He has changed our newborns diapers many times, and will hold him so I can make dinner or take a shower. He even plays cars with our 4 year old son!!
I totally agree that the fathers need to be more involved with our kids. I even told my hubby last week that he needed to proritize his life better. Come home, shower, then spend equal time with the older two kids, then help take care of the baby, then he can play on the computer. He also needs to get up with the rest of us every morning and help make lunches and get the kids ready for the day.
You need to put your foot down, and tell your husbabd that he needs to help out, he does not waqnt to miss out on any of the baby's life. Remind him that the games will always be there, the baby and you may not always be there. Anything could happen, and he needs to take advantage of the time he has with the both of you!!

Danyell - posted on 10/20/2010

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I think men should help more than what they do. With my 1st daughter my husband tried a few times. I believe he just felt out of his element with a lil girl. I believe that some men are just clueless when it comes to lil babies expecially lil girls. My hubby has just started helping really a few years ago. This was after my girls were old enough to do things for themselves. He now will keep them for a few hours, make sure they get in bed at the right time, and even brushes their hair. My girls ages are 9 & 13. Now when my girls were babies he was NOT MUCH help.
If it won't for my mother when I had my twins I would of been in a nut house. LOL My hubby told me the reason he wouldn't change the diapers was he felt it won't right for a man to change a girls diaper. I told him okay he has a point but if we ever have a boy than it wouldn't be right for me to change the diaper so it will be his job. LOL (Wasn't blessed with a boy) He worked during the day so I wouldn't wake him up at night. I didn't think I asked for his help that much. I remember that I use to hate it when I couldn't go to the store (mile down the road) for a loaf of bread without taking all my girls. He always made me take them with me. He said he didn't fill right keeping them at that age. Now a suggestion something I have done just to get my hubby to feed my girls. When my girls were babies I use to place them in his arm and walk out the room. I would tell him I am going to fix a bottle or something. He would either have to hold her for a few minutes or go put her on the pilot on the floor. Then I would bring a bottle in pop it in her mouth then remember something else that had to be done right then. LOL After the first couple of times he realized it wasn't so hard (he was scared if she choked he wouldn't know what to do) He eventually started to feed my girls at least one bottle.

Megan - posted on 10/20/2010

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my fiance dont help out at all,and he is on unemploymentand my kids are 2and5 and i am almost7 months high risk pregnancy,i am actually sick and tired of his shit! we argue all the time. he interferes when i am trying to diciplin are kids! he belittles mr in front of them all of the time.he screams yells and curses when sports are on ,if his team is not winning he is a completwe asshole to me and my kids!

Tina - posted on 10/20/2010

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Since we moved into our new house a year and half ago I can honestly tell you that my husband has not rinsed a dish, done a load of laundry, or cooked a meal. He does NOTHING in the house! He does work 50 hrs a week so I do feel that the house is my job and had been for 21 years. Yes my children are older 21,19,17 and 15 but I stay home with my 2 granddaughters who are 17 mo and 6 mo (they also live with me). Its hard some days and I have been doing this my whole life. I feel like I am staring all over. But my daughter is a single mom so what else is a mother to to do? Try talking to him or give him choices like dishes or getting the kids to bed. And after the kids are in bed have some you time. Sit down and watch your favorite show or take a hot bath! You need to recharge yourself or you will be no good to anyone!!!

Kylie - posted on 10/20/2010

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when my son was born my husband complained all the time that he was tired, and that i didn't have the right to be tired cause i stayed home all day and slept. after a while i started to do less and less around the house, in the end i only did what was for me and joshy to be clean and safe. when he asked what was going on i told him that if all i really did was sleep these thing would never have been done. I also told him that he worked 8hrs and I work 24, he needed to help me. Now he has a day on the weekend where he does everything for Joshy, and I can ahve a day off, when he gets home he helps with feeding him dinner, and bed time, and does the washing up after dinner. and he does bath time too. When you decided to be a SAHM it wasn't to be a soul carer, or a house maid.

Missy - posted on 10/20/2010

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It was hard for me to tell my husband how I felt so I just wrote it down. I was really respectful and that is what a man needs. We need respect too but if you show us love we will do anything. I let him know how I was feeling and I didn't really care how or what he did to help I just needed him to pay attention to what all I do and jump in on the things he thinks he can handle and I would let him do them how he does them without trying to tell him how it needs to be done. As long as you are not so particular how things get done I know he will be willing to help, also the secret is to praise him every time he does something helpful, and not patronizing or saurcastically. Love is the answer. It is a journey, nothing is how it has to be forever, even the most stubborn dog can learn a few new tricks! It helped to explain that I have a full time job too. It is much harder to care for a little one than to go to any job and just look out for yourself.

Carlie - posted on 10/20/2010

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I always give my husband a choice at night time so that he doesn't feel like I am 'telling' him what to do and also share the load. For eg: I will say, "Do you want to bath the kids or clean up the dishes?" We also have night about reading the stories to the kids, brushing their teeth and putting them to bed. I also have sat him down later at nightime and explained that when he is on the 'bathing' that it is his job to get the bath ready, pjs ready etc, otherwise if I have to do it it's really not his turn... I would sit him down and have a big heart to heart about sharing the responsiblitlies of the cleaning up and children at night time and how important it is for them that he is involved!! It only builds the relationship he will have with them, once the kids are in bed that's when he can do what he likes. Gez, we haven't watched the news in years as telly doesn't go on until everyone is in bed which is around 7pm.. 4 kids: 7, 6, 3, 7months

Tammie - posted on 10/20/2010

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I am really fortunate. My wonderful husband does everything he can to share the parenting 50/50 when he's home. On a few of his days home sick over the years, he has seen what a typical day is like for me, so he wants to help as much as he can when he gets home from work. Now if I can just get him to put his dirty clothes in the hamper.....

Alicia Rose - posted on 10/20/2010

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Sometimes they don't realize they are suppose 2 help, y I don't know they just dnt think like us. I guess they get use 2 us doing everything, so just kindly ask him 2 help u with "xyz". Hope this helps. Good luck 2 ya!!!!

Gina - posted on 10/20/2010

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My husband does just as much as I do. He is very helpful. There is no "His" job or "my job" The messes in the house are his as much as mine and so are the kids. After our son was born it was my husband who stayed at home while I worked and it was that way for 2 years. Now he is working and I am staying at home. While I think there are some things mommy's tend to do more than daddy's, we are designed that way. Also, if there is a time when i feel like he isnt stepping up (very rare) I do not hesitate to bring him back to reality lol. On that note, I would like to say thank you to my wonderful husband, you are appreciated and I love you!

Nyiema - posted on 10/20/2010

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OMG! I was waiting for some one to comment on this! Well I'm a SAHM and my husband does not help with the children like i think he should. We both work in the day time(but of course being a SAHM is not considered work to him) but when he get off he expects to rexal so does that mean that I never get off work? Tha t is totally not fair! I'm so feed up and everytime I bring it up we get into an argument. We get home around the same time after I pick the older children up from school (and let me add that our 18mo. goes berserk when I help with homework) and then I begin homework and start cooking dinner. He just comes home and ges straight to the bedroom to watch the news! I let him know that I need help around the house and for some reason I feel like he thinks just because he work 8 hours @ the office he is exemp from doing anything with the home & children! What am I supposed to do?

Brandy - posted on 10/20/2010

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Ive been married for 8 years. Our children are 7 and 5.. My husband is hardly ever home, and when he is, we are lucky if he doesnt ignore the kids.. He never helped in the past or the present, with feeding, bathing, changing, or anything with the kids. With my husband, I feel like it will never get better. I dont think its fair. So, in my situation, I have been considering divorcing my husband. There are other reasons for the divorce than just him not helping with the kids, but that is a part of it. I dont know how my kids will react, but I feel for everyone concerned, that is the only and best way for my situation.

Melinda - posted on 10/20/2010

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My husband is VERY helpful, I have to say. However, he is about as aggravating to p/u after as are my children. But I ask him to bathe the kids - he does. If I ask - he'll help. But sometimes it's irritating that I have to point out the obvious in the first place :-)

Kellie - posted on 10/20/2010

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I am totaly where you are my hubby does nothing!!!! Our daughter born on Oct 12 09 and he hasent changed a diper since 09,dosent feed here bottle or food, dosent put her to sleep,dosent play with her nothing NOTHING, Sometimes the only way I get a break is when I get a shower when my 14 yo watches our1yo thank god for her! Hubby holds her for 5 min at the most when asked and that would be on average 3 times a week including weekends and hes doing nothing else maby dishes....I am fed up and I agree with the bs of them bbecoming daddies when they can walk and talk now is the time he should be bonding with her I have tried everything and nothing works so I have given up I know I have a wonderful relationship with my 2 girls and will have a neverending bond with them that no one could break thay are my angels and I live to love them everyday so hubby is missing out on alot but you know what ...his loss like I have told him bf he will see as she grows up who she turns to for everything!

Tiffany - posted on 10/19/2010

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My boyfriend also does the same , wakes up after I have taken her too school and gets straight on his pc to play his games. However he makes time to ask my daughter about her day and maybe read her school bok with her. Which is more then what she gets from her real dad!!

Paulette - posted on 10/19/2010

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When my babies were infants, my husband wasn't much help either, but I think it was mostly because he was just unaware of the work involved with an infant. My husband did eventually help more (but it was after I showed him respect and appreciation for providing for us and working hard, which was a problem for me to show at that time because I just didn't know that a man needs that). Showing my husband appreciation, prompted him doing things for me, including helping with the kids. He is very involved now and we have three kids, ages 14, 12, and 10. :o)

Rachel - posted on 10/19/2010

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My husband comes home from work, eats his dinner, and then calls his nightly calls to his family, then he takes the laptop into the bedroom away from everyone and stays on it forever. He doesn't help take care of anything at all, not even his dinner plate. I have to give all 4 of our kids their meds and get them into bed. On the weekends it's stuff he wants to do, and lately that's being gone hunting. He has only ever changed a couple diapers when our 4 year old was a baby and hasn't ever even offered to change our 1 year olds.

Deanna - posted on 10/19/2010

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I am very very blessed, My husband is the most involved dad ive ever met. The second he gets in the door after work hes playing with our daughter (almost 2) and cuddles our son, he will feed them change them, cook clean etc. Right now im relaxing on the computer and he has our son (3 weeks old) and they are hanging out in the living room. The first 2 weeks of my daughters life and week of my sons I didnt change a single diaper, he did every single one. Even on work nights he will get up in the middle of the night to change our sons diaper (if hes slept a long stretch and hasnt woken up to nurse) he will burp him for me after I breastfeed etc. 24/7 I know I can count on him to help me out.

Id go NUTS if I didnt have such an involved husband. I would just take your husband aside and ask him to help more. Tell him you understand that he works all day but that parenting is a shared responsibility and that you want your children to remember a dad who loved to spend time with them. Maybe if he doesnt get it, get him to spend a day off work in your shoes. You do what he would normally do all day (watch tv, computer etc) and get him to do EVERYTHING. Help him out only as much as he helps you. I think it would be a big wake up call.

Amber - posted on 10/19/2010

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My guy is amazing with our son and around our house. He's always taking our son to play or cleaning up anything that he sees without ever being asked.
He's great about sending me out with the girls for lunch or dinner at least once a month and I get to have quiet mommy time at least once a week.
I'm not really sure how to get your guy motivated because I never had to try. I know that we discussed chores that we both don't like, so I try to do the ones he doesn't like and vice versa. If we both don't like one, we try to alternate. I still do the majority of work around the house because if he's the only one working I think I should, but when I get behind or have a long day he picks up the slack.
I guess that I would just try to explain how exhausted you are and try to ask for some mommy time. Sometimes, guys don't think about how tired you are unless you ask.
If all else fails, leave him with the kids one day and let him see how hard it is. Maybe what he really needs is a dose of reality!

Ann - posted on 10/19/2010

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Point made, women continue to call their husband doing actual parental tasks "helping". Who are they helping? Us? THEIR children? They're not helping; they are being real parents...the stuff moms do 24/7 (whether they are SAHMs or not). We need to stop using that term; it sends the wrong message IMO. If I had a son, I wouldn't want him to think that spending time with & caring for his child(ren) was a favor to anyone! I certainly don't want my daughter thinking that if she stays home with her own child(ren) that she's "lucky" if the other parent takes part in the raising of them! It's one thing to be considerate of their work schedules, it's another to think it's ok for them to come home & play video games like they're one of the children too! Life is work; just because the work day that pays ends, doesn't mean there's no more work to be done! If every SAHM stopped doing our "jobs" when we weren't getting paid, our children would all be taken away due to neglect lol! Being a mom is a 24/7 job, that's what everyone says, shouldn't being a parent in general be a 24/7 job?!

Amanda - posted on 10/19/2010

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i found a wonderful man this time and when i need a break i go to him kiss him and say its mommy time and thats all i need to say if i need help with a certain task i ask sometimes a lil while in advance so he can finish up his game or whatever it is he is doing bit he will normaly help i have been with 1 guy who never did anything and the only way i got mommy time was finaly i put the baby on his lap and say im going to the gas station or the store and leave and go to the park or whereever and take a 30 min break or however long i needed i hope either threw comunication or just doing it u find a way to get him to help or to get mommy time for yourself best of luck hun

Sarah - posted on 10/19/2010

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My husband is a police officer but only works in the mornings and is off by around 3 p.m. usually. He has been involved in our daughters life from day 1. i had an epidural and wasnt able to move for a while so he was changing her first diapers and also helped give her first bath.

She is now 2 months old and has been sleeping through the night for a little while but even still if she wakes up and im just exhausted he will get up with her no question..hes always done this. He comes home and does anything i ask him to becuz he knows even tho ive been home all day ive still been working. He comes home and talks to her and plays with her.

I dont understand why alot of men wait until they can walk and talk...i think bonding time is from the beginning. Dont hound him about it tho, as lisa said. Make it a game or something fun for him to want to be involved with the child.

Melissa - posted on 10/19/2010

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My husband has always pretty much split taking care of our kids when he's home. He also splits cleaning, and cooking, but for some reason laundry is always me... odd... Anyway, whenever he's home, we just get into a rhythm- whoever smells it first changes the baby, whoever wakes up first when the alarm goes off gets the 7 year old going for school, etc.. I used to have to ask him to do stuff, but it just became 2nd nature to him and I don't have to ask for him to help ever. I think maybe a lot is because I pumped exclusively, and so I'd be pumping while he was feeding the baby, and they bonded more than a lot of dads bond with their babies in the early months.

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i have to tell ya not much hope here. my husband does not help out at all really. i feel like a single parent raising our 3 children ages almost 7, 4 and 2. the only way he will watch them is if the kids are sleeping. wow gee thanks dear! now that our oldest is almost 7 he kinda helps more with him. i can't complain with the cleaning i am lucky enough that he goes into clean freak mode when he comes home from work and he cleans the floors and windows. everything else is on me. he leaves before the kids are up and he comes home at their bedtime or after. good luck!

JoAnn - posted on 10/19/2010

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What a bunch of lazy men we've married! Are they all blind as they walk past the basket of clean laundry? What a bunch of crap! They punch out at work and sit on their arse at home - when do I punch out? Why do we accept this?!? It p****s me off that they get to be brats and we must be slaves!

Lori - posted on 10/19/2010

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Wow sounds like he thinks this is the 1950's! I have heard many men are not as involved as mine is. We waiting quite a long time to have our baby and I was always clear that I wanted a cohesive family unit and anticipated he would be involved, and he is. You have to ask for help to get it. L

Ann - posted on 10/19/2010

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After re-reading some posts, I have to say I think it's sad that when the moms are being parents it's just being mom, but when the fathers are being parents it's called "helping". It sounds like he's a babysitter or doing someone a favor. Parents are supposed to parent. Tired or not, good day or bad, sick or feeling great, moms have to be parents...why do the dads have the option not too?! More disturbing, why would they not want to?! For them it shouldn't be a "job" it should be a pleasure since they have an entirely different job & don't get to see them as often.

Jaimi - posted on 10/19/2010

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My husband is a great help....NOW.... it wasn't always like that.... in the beginning when our three kids were little... not so much! The older they get (our son is 3, the twins are 2.5) the more he helps! I can't function in the mornings, so he lets me sleep in and feeds the kids breakfast, packs lunch and gets them all dressed for school. I just wake up and jump in the car with them. In return he is not a night person - I do all the duties from after school to bedtime bath and stories. It's a great balance and it took us about 2 years to figure it out - but now that we are in a routine things are running more smoothly in our home. There was a period there that I was doing everything, and at the end of my rope. We would fight ALL the time - it was horrible and so stressful on the marriage. Finally, after seeking therapy, we were able to figure out the problem. It wasn't that he didn't want to help, it was that i thought MY WAY WAS THE ONLY RIGHT WAY, and EVERYONE ELSE'S WAY WAS WRONG... LOL.... i'm kinda a control freak. I still have to literally put my hand over my mouth to keep my mouth shut when he does things with the kids - 99% of the time it's the opposite of how i'd do it - you know when one pig-tail is on top of her head and the other is not even, but rather by her neck LOL...at least he's brushing her hair i have to remind myself.... so i bought her a shirt that says "Daddy does my Hair".... but i'm working on my own issues. The more I trust him, the better he has been doing, and the kids LOVE the time with him. I feel blessed to have a hubby willing to try.

The key is communication - if you can't sit down and talk about your issues and come to a resolution on how to solve them then there is a major problem. It is not so much about the actual chores, and the kids, and the housework - it is about having a basic consideration by both parties involved for the other's well-being. We always said a marriage is not 50.50 but 100/100. There are days when one will step up to the plate more, and others when you will catch a break - but I had to train my husband, not gonna lie! It was hard work, but I kept at it, and told him if you want me to be a great mom, and an even better wife you have to share the load - for better and for worse! We have a frame in our living room with the following quote in it, "The best gift a Father can give his children, is to Love their Mother."

And to those who posted their hubby's are hitting them - that is NEVER ok. Please seek help and turn to someone you can trust. You must value yourself first, you owe that to yourself and to your children. There is never any excuse for abuse. Many blessings. xoxo Jaimi

Jessica - posted on 10/19/2010

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My hubby is an absolute dream with our daughter and has been from the moment she was born! She is now 6 months old and he gets home from work and as long as she is fed, he will take her into the gym with him and then feeds her solids and then baths her. She comes back to me for her final feed and then off to bed at 6:30 but dad always checks on her before we go to sleep (8:30). He travels a bit for work and when he goes away, so do we because he is afraid that he will miss out on special things like her talking etc....... he is a great daddy and I feel very lucky!!

The only suggestion I would have for you is to sit and talk to your partner and deligate some responsibility onto him! Like.... he might have the job of bathing your bub every second night or might have the job of putting bub to sleep twice a week!!! I honestly feel for you though because I would be lost without my hubby continually helping out with Charlotte... I need my "me" time which is usually just cooking tea but still, its time that I don't have to worry about her too much because I know she is safe with daddy!!!!

I hope this helps a little bit - your situation would be so draining and hard!!!

Sara - posted on 10/19/2010

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Oh my gosh, you guys, I can't even believe that my post has become a featured conversation here on Circle of Moms! Thank you all so much for all the wonderful feedback. To the women with a REAL man who helps you: Thank God every day of how lucky you are. =) And to the moms that are in a similar situation like myself: I love hearing all of your stories about staying strong while doing everything by yourself!
Unfortunately, my husband still does little to nothing to help, and somehow manages to direct my parenting skills from the comfort of the bed while I'm up at 2 am taking care of a runny nose.
But, what are you gonna do? lolol. Because of all the great advice and inspiration, I will continue to take care of our son, who will be a year Nov. 25th, by myself until my husband decides to step up.
Keep posting your opinions! I love to hear them. =)

Vicky - posted on 10/19/2010

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I have been with my kids dad for 10 years, married for 4 and have recently had enough of him not doing a thing to help, Last month I told him to leave he left and me and my children haven't been happier! I love my husband very much and if I could lead the teenage life too then we would have had a very long happy marriage but I was not prepared to have my son growing up thinking the wife's place is in the kitchen and I did not want my daughter to grow up and think that men are supposed to do nothing to support their family. My husband would sleep all day when he was awake he'd either be playing the xbox or at his friends. He'd wake up 4 or 5pm have dinner that I'd spend hours making, complain about how it should've been cooked then go out and often not even bother coming back till the next evening. He would occasionally take my 8 and 10 year old to school only ONCE in our entire relationship did he was up and has NEVER cooked us dinner and very very rarely take the ids out, I wasn't even able to go out as one day I came home at 11pm to find him asleep n the sofa and the kids on the floor wrapped in their duvet watching tv when I asked them why they weren't in bed they replied Daddy fell asleep we didn't know what to do!! I am not saying that he didn't love us and maybe in time he would've grown up although at nearly 27 I did expect him to have done by now, but I was sick and tired of feeling like his personal slave/babysitter. Now he's gone i'm happier, the kids are happier my house is tidyer and i'm finding myself doing things I never thought i'd have time for. My advice is don't get stuck in a bad situation because that is what your used to, it took me 2 years to build up the courage and finally say enough is enough but its the best thing I ever did! now I can concentrate on my kids and you never know maybe i'll be one of you lucky ladies with a decent man to look after me and my little family! from the other posts there are so many men that do the right thing don't put up with it, you only get one life.

Bridann - posted on 10/19/2010

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My husband is very simlar to yours Sara and doesn't help with childcare all that much I know he loves our son its just he leaves most of it to me i'd say he has changed a handful of nappies (diapers) and done very few bottles. When we did have middle of the night feeds it was me who did them all even at weekends when he didn't have to get up for work. It is really hard being a SAHM and I think he thinks I do nothing all day. He hasn't let having a baby interfer with his social life and still gets out at least once a week I'd love to get out without my baby even once a month! Sometimes I feel I've lost me - the pre baby me just isn't fair sometimes.

Terre - posted on 10/19/2010

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Maybe I'm lucky, maybe he's a saint - I don't know. My husband does pretty much whatever needs to be done. He likes the house clean so if it needs to be done, he does it. He does the things I don't like to do, like vacuum. So I do the things he doesn't much care for, like toilets. Our boys are almost grown now but when the boys were growing we split the activities. We both together had the children and we both live in the house. Yes, there are things I do that he doesn't like to do. But he does at least his share, probably more. We have a Special Needs Child and maybe that's why. We have to work together and cooperate or our lives would be upside down. I handle the late night and all night stuff because he does get up at 5:30am everyday for work. Maybe part of it is maturity but I'm his wife, not his mother. Not saying everything is perfect, far from it. I learned early on that nagging gets you no where. Having our daughter really opened our eyes to what is really important, what's not so important and what doesn't matter at all. Communication is the key. Saying how you feel, not talking about what he doesn't do. Showing appreciate for everything.

Amanda - posted on 10/19/2010

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My husband used to be very awkward with the kids, he played the video games after work, sat on the computer, always had a cell in hand etc. I know what you mean when you say no help. My kids are three and one, and after my youngest was born i was thinking what the hell did i get myself into. I also have two large dogs, so my house gets really loud sometimes and stressful and hectic and i always felt like he was going to check out instead of help out. I got the texts when i did get to leave with out the kids, and i come home to find my dogs have been in the kennel the whole time. he has gotten better with helping out now that the kids are able to track him down, and prefer him over me for things. As they get older it gets easier to relate to them but they also feel chosen, not forced into it. I told my husband that from bedtime on he could play his game, and if he wanted to play all night thats his choice, but from the time he gets home till they are in bed is only about 3 hours, they deserve that much. My husband works on an oilrig, leaves before they are up in the morning and sometimes isnt home till they are in bed at night, so i was beginning to feel like a single mom. I think its about finding a way to relate your kids to their dad, give them an activity to do together thats just for them (bath time, bedtime story i.e.) and sometimes the dads just need to be dropped into it and find their own way of doing things. A lot of men feel inferior in parenting because especially as SAHM's we have a strong bond with our kids and lots of experience dealing with the day to day issues. Don't forget fromt he time their kids, their taught to work. While we are playing house they dress up as the dr, construction workers etc. Child rearing has been made the womens job, and we are left to correct that mind frame.

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