How much does your husband/boyfriend actually help with your children?

Holly - posted on 10/14/2010

I think the father should help out with the child alot. If they choose to spend large amounts of time away from the baby they will miss out on bonding with them. I think it is important for both parents to bond with their children....if something would happen to me I want my son to be comfortable with it being just him and his father.....and that won't happen if they don't spend time together. My husband works full time and from the time our son was born he started working 4 ten hour days so he could spend 1 whole extra day at home with our son. I never expected him to get up in the middle of the night with our son if he had to work the next day since I don't work....but I know if I needed him to he would. I also think sometimes fathers aren't sure how to help or how to act once the baby is born. It's important to talk to them about how you feel and tell them how you want them to help. You have to remember too that if your husband works full time and then comes home and helps with the baby and housework that he should be able to have some time to himself. My husband goes to concerts and football games and watches games at his friends' houses. I know that I can go do things on my own if I want to but I just choose not too....I think that is a burden of being a mother....even though you want time to yourself once in a while you feel guilty if you take it.

Martha - posted on 10/14/2010

First of all, I think is wrong to think that just because we are SAHM's that we don't do anything all day. Taking care of our kids specially if we have more than 1 is a challenge, we're working 24hrs a day, is stressful and tiring.

On the other hand, I am very blessed to have such an amazing husband, he works all day, but when he comes home he helps me out a lot with the boys, he plays with them, bathes them. From the time our first one was born he always had me sleep at night and he would take care of our little boys at night. Even now he cooks for us if he feels like cooking... he'll help me out with laundry and chores when he has days off and really it just comes from him and I couldn't be any happier and blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life. He doesn't have me telling him to help out.. he loves his family and he does it from the heart.

Sharon - posted on 10/14/2010

I couldn't get my husband to help. He asked me what I needed him for, and I couldn't think of any one chore that I could let go to let him help, at first. Then I finally asked if he could help giving baby a bath in the evening, and change diapers. He agreed to change diapers, but not bath.
However, he was forced to help when I arranged 2 evenings every week to go out on my own.

Michelle - posted on 10/14/2010

My husband has ALWAYS been a huge help to me with our kids, he does dishes changes diapers , sweeps , laundry etc. However , I dont think I could be ,married t someone that was never home or didnt help out. I see it this way, they helped make em they can help take care of em' lol.. You need to make it clear tio him what you expect of him and wehat your needs are, and if he doesnt then wake him up , kick him out or whatever you have to do, even if its temp) Atleast then they know you are serious. ! I find alot of times there like kids, they test your limits so you have to show them you are serious and this is what you expect from them. I dont mean to sound mean, but men should help with the children and household chores. It is very straing to have a child with disaabilites and One person cannot do everything. Its not healthy and in long run makes you frustrated with your child and thats not fair to them. You have to stand up girl and you take your time and leave him there alone with the child some, it may be he needs to bond with the child more. I know my husband had trouble with the bonding part when they were babies, until they could walk and talk, He is the best dad in the whole world now tho,. It just takes time and training. Your hubby may havee some feelings he is not expressing, I think if you address these issues and put your foot down you will see a much diff side of him! Once your child is up and moving around more it will prob just come natural !! I hope this helps you .... ~Michelle~ Bloomington, IN

Tracy - posted on 10/14/2010

My husband does not help out much with the daily household chores at all, but that was our agreement when we decided that I would stay home. He works all day, so I take care of the cooking, cleaning, etc. He also knows to never say anything about my housekeeping, if he complains at all that something is not cleaned to his satisfaction then I simply show him where I keep all the cleaning supplies and tell him to have a ball :) There are times that he'll come home and head straight for the computer or TV and sometimes I don't mind, as I realize there are times where he just needs a break. For the most part he is good about playing with our son while I can finish up dinner and get other things done without the help of a 2 year old. I do need to remind him from time to time that he is OUR son and I expect help with him. I am not one to ask for help, instead I grunt and slam things when I'm mad because he doesn't just jump in, but after a few arguments I've learned that I need to say "come help me" as guys just don't think of doing things on their own. As for leaving the house, we have an agreement that if either of us plan to leave we need to clear it with the other. I can't leave the house whenever I please, so why should he. Don't be afraid to ask him to help out he probably just doesn't think you need it. While I refuse to be his maid, I don't mind doing the housework alone. But, the children are our responsibility and I do expect help with them. You may be a stay at home mom, but you're not a single mom.

April - posted on 10/14/2010

My husband is great! When our little girl was born she immediately wrapped Daddy around her finger. He would actually get jealous of me breast feeding her , because he wanted to hold and feed her. After about a week or so , he could. The diaper thing....that took a few times of him coming home and me disappearing out the door to go to the grocery store or some other place and staying gone long enough that he had no choice but to do it....after the first 2 or 3 diapers, he was a pro and didn't complain anymore. I'm so blessed in that he wants to be involved in all parts of her life...the discipline...the playtime....the care. Our daughter is 4 1/2 now and in K4 about 3 hours a day M-F. He even went in to work late so he could help take her to her first day of school...and he brought the video camera! He takes care of the outside and I take the inside of the house. When he gets home we have dinner, then he relaxes while I give her a bath and get her ready for bed...then it's story time with Daddy! I clean up from dinner then we have a little time to ourselves. I am really blessed!

Laurie - posted on 10/14/2010

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! that's a great question.
Oh, you were serious. Well, he can't (or won't) change poop diapers, no baths, no teeth brushing, afraid to dress the baby but will throw something on the girl that "he" thinks is cool, cooks for us (grills mostly), can't feed either of them....
Shall I go on?
Yes it's BS but at the end of the day it's all your responsibility, try to get out more on your own if only for an hour (gym, a walk anything. hell just go sit in your car somewhere quite and read or talk on the phone) and let him see how just short times alone are. If you leave for too long it backfires and scares them (believe me I know). Just a little time for you ends up helping alot and hopefully as with my husband ends up helping him appreciate what you do. I'm sure he's not bad, he's just a man... they're different. It will get better, babies aren't little forever and once they get a little easier and more mobile then the guys tend to get into it more. Sad but true.
Good luck and know you're not alone.
Govern your time as best you can, sacrifice what you can do without so YOU don't stress and then take an hour a day somehow AWAY and see if that helps.

Shaina - posted on 10/14/2010

My hubby works long days, leaves around 11am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm or even later. Needless to say the kids are in bed when he gets home :p I usually get up with the kids unless I just didn't get any sleep, then he happily gets up with them. I usually let him sleep til 8a or so since he works late but once he's up he plays with the kids while I do whatever until he has to get ready for work. As far as house work and stuff I feel like that's my job. He works 60+ hours a week so I can stay home and cook and clean and be with my kids...he does take care of outside stuff though. Weekends we just try to spend as much time as a family as we can since we don't get much time during the week...we're pretty much a team on the weekends :)
If I were you I would sit down with your husband and tell him, in a gentle way, how you feel. If he is a good hubby he will listen and the two of you can work out what you both want and need from eachother. Hope that helps!

Kristin - posted on 10/14/2010

This is actually pretty normal. As awful as it sounds, I hit my husband where it really has an impact... the bedroom. I'm too tired and just have no interest in attending to his needs after a long day. I'm not even interestingin attending to my own. I ask for the help and I either get it or I don't. But, there are consequences. He usually gets it figured out after I've passed on the nookie for a shower a week or two in a row.

Sondra - posted on 10/14/2010

sounds like mine, and i thought it would get better when they got older, but they're 8 and 10 and he's still not doing much. its a very rare evening when he will make dinner, although he has gotten somewhat better with the laundry. i wonder if they think that if they helped their friends would call them wusses or something, lol

Samantha - posted on 10/14/2010

I used to have the same problem eventually i got tired of it and stared asking do you want to do dishes or bath the kids....or do you want to change diapers or start dinner little things like that all the while telling him that if he helped it would go by quicker and we could spend some quality time together and that i would be lessed frazzled and be able to enjoy his company more. It doesnt happen everyday but its a work in progress i hope this helps

Lisa - posted on 10/14/2010

hey ! my man doesnt help me out much either . i think in the whole 17months my son has been in this world! my man has maybe fed him 5 or 6 bottles and changed 2 WET nappies . he has never got him dressed.changed a dirty bum . took him out in the buggie ,,bathed him , got him ready for bed . im the one who has to do all that stuff and im the one who is up if my son gets up in the night im the one up with him first thing in a morning ,.and im the one who cleans the house and goes shoppin and makes dinner and does the dishes . feel like i got 2 kids sometimes . lol .

Denise - posted on 10/14/2010

my husband does the bare minimum. But when we went on Vacation was the total opposite. But when they were babies, her always used the excuse the were to little. And only changed them if i was not there. I wish he would just dive right in and help out all the time too. Wish i could have helped.

Sondra - posted on 10/14/2010

he doesn't lol!

Daisha - posted on 10/14/2010

My boyfriend is not my girls' dad...but you wouldnt know it to look at them together. he got upset with me several months ago cause i kept telling him not to worry about dinner that i would make it. he finally told me "i feel like making dinner is one way i can be part of their day-to-day care" i have made dinner 2 or 3 times since! he is totally awesome!! i sleep in almost every weekend morning..he helps with the housework without me asking (i wish he wouldn't help) but he likes to be involved. it sounds like its time to have a serious conversation with your hubby about this issue...maybe show him some of the comments on here.
i hope things get better

Patricia - posted on 10/14/2010

At 6pm, I am no longer a parent for the day. The problem is, there's usually a 15 min gap where DD is an orphan, LOL. I can not be held responsible for any chaos she creates until daddy gets home at 6.

Alison - posted on 10/14/2010

My husband NEVER helps...when I do get help I have to nag him for it....I am a teacher who was laid off, and there are no jobs right now for teachers...and he tells me I am not doing anything to find a job. He tells me he has to run the entire house and to everything...I bed to differ...I am soo jealous of all of those of you who have even a little help... i don't even have time to shower....I am with the kids all day, can't leave them alone because my little one can climb on the couch now...I take care of them all day, then I have to cook dinner, serve dinner, and before I can eat, i have to feed the little one. Then I finally get to eat a cold dinner, after that my husband puts on whatever he wants to watch, and ignores the kids if they come up to him he will play with them but he doesn't generally play with them on his own. while this is happening I am doing like the 4th load of dishes and bottles for the day. After that it is bath time, give them each seperatly cause I have to keep hands on my little one at all times, then It is jammie time, At this time I am sweating like I have been running for an hour...and my husband makes a remark that it is cause I have my winter coat on...then it is bed time, my daughter lays down next to my husband and I give my son his bottle and we watch their night time video...my husband and daughter usually fall asleep to the video, I put my sone down, then go back and pick up my daughter and take her to bed. It is now MY time, I say my time cause my husband never wakes up after this...I watch tv and play on facebook for a while and go to bed only to be woken up 2-3 times by my 10 month old son....and the next morning starts all over again....it is like this even on the weekends...on the weekends my Husband goes to play flag football with his friends or works in the yard. If he works in the yard he does take our daughter out...then on Sunday he watches football....but i have to do all the work....I think in the last 3 months my husband has changes 3 diapers (and they are both still in diapers) I would give ANYTHING to hacve one nights sleep or to sleep in....I never get that....I never get away from the house without the kids....I feel like I am not even married, and that I am a single mom....
Life at home sucks soo bad and there are just sooo many times I wish I was a single mom, at least that way I could understand doing all the work by myself...but when you are married there is no excuse...

Honestly those of you who get even a little help with bathtime, dinner or dishes, consider yourself lucky....

Angie - posted on 10/14/2010

I haven't read all the other responses coz I don't have the time right now, but I wanted to let you know how my DH and I resolved the dilemma:
His main issue with me was that I wasn't communicating what needed to be done enough in advance and would ask him as I needed the help and that meant he had to drop everything and do it, which made him feel resentful (he's allowed his feelings!!). I felt resentful because I felt that it shouldn't be my job to delegate to him - if I wasn't around, he would have to clean the house, do the laundry, make dinner etc, so this wasn't about chores that I needed "help" with - they were his equal responsibility. So, two different places, but both feeling resentful.
What we did was both try to bite back the feelings of resentment, and look at what needed to be done, and what our individual needs were too. Then, we agreed that baby was my domain during work hours 100% and 50:50 after work hours (ie the same as if I were to go out and work). Yes, this means that I get the 75% of babycare, but that is the job I prefer to do in the day.
Then we looked at what needed to happen at night for baby, and which things could only be done by me (like breastfeeding), and which DH could do, and so bond with baby at the same time - e.g. play with baby when I made supper (if I was the one doing supper that night) and/or had my half hour to myself and/or had a shower. Likewise, he enjoyed bathtime with baby especially if I just left them to it and didn't hover. So he took that one on himself. I made sure that I didn't dictate HOW he would play with baby (if playing meant putting him under his play gym while hubby played computer games keeping an eye on him, or if it meant them both vegging on the couch watching a game, then that was how he was going to play with him).
As far as chores are concerned - we have different views on what levels of dirt we'll tolerate - I can't stand dirty floors, and he couldn't care less. So, I do the floors every second day. He hates an untidy kitchen, so he clears things away (although alot of dishes in the week seem to come my way! But on the weekend, he does do his fair share). I do do most of the housework like dusting and laundry, but again alot of that has to do with my living in the space in the day, so it is where I see the dirt/mess and so I clean it.
Other chores that don't need to be done daily or on an immediate basis, like taking out the dirt, picking up the dog poos, mowing the lawn, ironing, we have a loose arrangement, where we agree on the weekend who's going to do what and then do it in our own time (so that the other isn't micromanaging).
This has actually worked out reasonably well, though we do have to re-visit it periodically (like suppers - I seem to be doing the lion share lately coz DH is coming home from work late - we need to look at this again).
Anyway, hope that that helps! XO

Nadine - posted on 10/14/2010

Hello Sara!
I totally understand what you are speaking about. My daughter is special needs so she requires 24/7. My husband in the beginning was great he did change diapers and fed her. Now that she is older he only changes them at home and not in public. He will not give her bath. I have to do that! I also feel that the man should help because just so they can see what we do during the day. It aint no peaches and cream that is for sure. I really dont have any good advice except to stick to your guns and throw a fit all the time. It is true men would rather wait until the child is talking and walking in order to spend time or help out because it is much easier for them.

Alexis - posted on 10/14/2010

I have heard so many moms talk about the same problem that I consider myself very lucky. My husband adores our son and helps out alot. Not always with the chores but he also works 60+ hours a week. I go to school and keep the house. As soon as he walks in the door though our son runs to him and they begin playing. My husband has always helped with diapers, baths, bedtime, feedings, discipline and entertaining. He will even walk out the door and in public with the diaper bag over his shoulder. We each give each other a full day off to do whatever we want to do, whether it is just sleep, catch up on some to do stuff or go hang out with our friends. We also have a family day where we go do something as a family or just all stay home and hangout with each other. To be honest right now I am kind of jealouse of how close my son and my hubby are. He is defenatly a daddys boy right now!

Lindsay - posted on 10/14/2010

Thats a tough one. I have always known when it was time to communicate with my husband that I was losing my mind. I knew if I didn't I was going to resent him, and coming from a broken home I decided to do it differently in my home. From the very beginning of our relationship, I have told him, whether it had to do with issues with either of our families, or our child that I needed his support. He has had to learn a ton as have I in being mutually respectful and supportive in any situation.

Since the birth of our first I, like all of us mom's, don't get a break. If your little one wakes up and my husband runs to comfort her, sometimes she will not settle for him, and he feels discouraged. For me the point is all of the little things have to be noticed and praised. His effort literally can make me feel better about having no break. The second most important thing is an open line of communication in a calm way that does not attack them, try to explain how it makes you feel and be clear what you need from them.

I do feel strongly that an equal partnership is a very important partnership to raise my children around. It is good to bicker when you need to even in front of them as long as they see you resolve it as well. We all know raising children is a tough job, and we need the support of our hubby's.

Heather - posted on 10/14/2010

Ok After reading many that do and many that dont help out. I decided to post. My husband loves me. You can see that. But because He wants me to work and I want to be the one to stay home..He thinks it MY JOB to do it all as the SAHM. Honestly it makes me resentful to read all these lucky women who have husband who just naturally want to help. It reminds me of all my broken dreams. I once considered leaving because of it. I thought long and hard about it and decided that would be a bad idea as I would still be doing EVERYTHING on top of working. I have tried to talk to him and he is really good a debating and does not see it my way. He does from time to time get on a kick where he will help out but then falls back into the same old routine of Going to work and coming home to play video games. I cook clean wash cloths(he may on occation wash his own cloths) take my son to football practice and any meeting with the teacher , school activities ect. I decided to look at it as a small price to pay for being able to fully be involved in my sons life as he grows up. He is the only one I will ever have and I dont want to miss a min. of it.

Shannon - posted on 10/14/2010

I know how you feel! i dont mind looking after our 3 kids most of the time (ages 5,4,1) but every now and then it would be nice if he shared the responsibility. i have to be the one that had toget up in the night with the babies (our youngest still wakes in the night). His helpping is to wash a load or two of dishes or making pasta for dinner. but he wont take the kids anywhere, or even play with them outside. he looks at me like i should be the one doing it cause he is on the computer playing video games. but as much as i would love to be playing with and having fun with the kids, that means that i cant be in the house cleaning or cooking like needs to be done. so more often then i would like the kids have to find ways to entertain themselves. my husband is always on the computer when he is not working, its frusterating. if i want him to help at all it seems like i have to nag him, then he gets mad cause i nag, and still doesnt really help. lately his thing to say is that he makes the money so he pays the bills, (figuartively cause that is also my job) so i should do the rest. i have gotten to the point too that i said that one of us should leave, his response is to get very defensive and say things like if he leaves then how would i afford the house etc. or guilt trip me that i dont love him, or i'm just beign a b*tch. before i stopped cleaning the house - thinking if he doesnt care, why should i - yeah that back fired cause he really doesnt care if the house is clean or not, and the kids cant live like that. if i say he should do my job and i do his, he is all for it cause in his opinion i just let the tv babysit the kids all day and dont clean. i stopped doing anything in the bedroom, cause right now i'm so mad at him that i just cant (if you know what i mean), but that hasnt helpped at all, just put him in a bad mood, so he spends more time on the computer. i'm so overwhelmed i dont know where to start anymore. sorry for the ranting.

Sarah - posted on 10/14/2010

Well said! Exactly right!

Sarah - posted on 10/14/2010

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Tiffany - posted on 10/14/2010

I'm sorry your experience with your husband seems so dismal. I am truly blessed to have my husband because he is willing to help me whenever I ask for it. The key is ASKING.....women all too often make the cardinal mistake of expecting our men to read our minds and think they should just know when we need them to do something......Let me clue those of you in that don't verbalize to your men - THEY DON'T and will not unless we are specific in telling them what your needs are. Some men truly don't know what to do with babies and young toddlers and avoid them until they are more self-sufficient. It isn't BS, it's fact and men are who they are just as women are who they are. Accept it and find a way to work with your husband on middle ground and it's generally good practice to avoid complaining about it to others and building endless resentment. Best wishes to you and I truly hope things improve for you and yours.

Shawn - posted on 10/14/2010

My husband does very little unless i gripe at him but he there for me when i need him the most.Thats why i love him.

Qihm - posted on 10/14/2010

My husband has 2 kids and after 2 kids and 10 years he has yet to change a diaper! When our youngest was much younger I really wanted him to help, but he didn't and I didn't understand why. So I asked him and he just didn't know what to do, and felt awkward holding and talking and playing with an infant and even a small toddler. Starting when william could talk enough for his daddy to understand what he needed he started helping a lot more and letting me sleep in and what not. As far as leaving the house at night I'd tell him that I'd rather he stayed and spent SOME time with the two of you rather than running off and leaving you without any adult interaction.

Stephanie - posted on 10/14/2010

He works allot and somedays doesn't walk in the door till after bed time. So It's all me, and It's hard and that sucks.... but I just keep doing the next right thing.

Melysa - posted on 10/14/2010

my darling husband gets home from work, reversing the trunk in the driveway might say hello to us as he walks in gives his lunch bag to our 2nd youngest before sitting down at the computer where he will eat his dinner give the kids a kiss goodnight etc until eventually he crawls into bed only to repeat the same thing the next day, weekends he sleeps in as long as he can then might watch tv/ play computer or complains he is bored until we head out to visit his family because then he can spend time with his brother and father, oh and maybe our kids if his brother initiates it, he rarely changes a nappy, never feeds the kids claims that he cannot cook and therefore i have to cook all the time, my youngest is 18 months old and my oldest is almost 8, for a short time he did get involved in my sons soccer but that is only on in the winter so now we have to wait till next year i guess

Krystie - posted on 10/14/2010

Hubby helps 50/50 but he is not working. when he was working he did 60/40. i did school runs, lunches, feed the baby, change the baby, etc. hubby got him, did tea, took the baby for a bit, got baby to sleep, changed nappies etc. a mate not helping with the care of a child he helped create is not on. i hope you figure a solution soon, its no way to live.

Kristine - posted on 10/14/2010

Father's should always be involved and it damn well should be for a longer period of time then 30-60 minutes a day.

Jennifer - posted on 10/14/2010

Well, HELL yes he should be involved! Because he may work, doesn't mean you don't deserve a break when he gets home. He should at least help with dinner, if needed, help with the bottle, dishe's , changing into the pajama's, etc. Just because he works, does not mean he doesn't do anything when he get's home!

Kristine - posted on 10/14/2010

Very true that it will fall apart if one sided. I just wish my guy could see that I am not happy and can not marry him or be with him anymore. That is one thing that makes it so much harder to leave. I don't want to hurt him but my sadness will rub off on my son and I can't let that happen.

Adrianna - posted on 10/14/2010

I don't get mommy time either. It seems to be a hassle. So when my daughter goes down for her nap, I try to get a little mommy time in. Take a shower, worry what to cook for dinner, make plans or just watch some T.V. I can't seem to get it him to realize when is my turn? I understand too. If you find a answer please let me know and I will try it.
mcfarlandadrianna@gmail.com

Adrianna - posted on 10/14/2010

My boyfriend gets off work and says Hi to my daughter and then me. He take off his shoes and plays with her. He was doing that for a while were he would ever say hi to her or anything. I told him that if he wanted to be a good parent that he would need to spend a little more time with her. Otherwise then we would need some parenting classes. He said that he didn't need them and that he would spend more time with her. And that he has.

Good luck with yours.

Krysta - posted on 10/13/2010

I actually feel like my husband and I each carry our weight equally. He works at least 50hrs/week, is a volunteer firefighter, is going to school for firefighting, brings home the $$, takes out the garbage, does the handy mandy stuff around the home, and plays with our 2yr old for a bit every night. I'm the stay at home mom and therefore take care of the kids 24/7, do all housework, groceries, cooking, bills, budgeting, etc. The part where things aren't equal is that he gets a break and gets alone time and I get very little. On the weekends he gets to do whatever he wants but my day is still hectic and crazy. Asking him to watch the kids so I can take a shower seems like a burden on him. That's the part I get upset about. Where's my break? Where's my alone time?? That part gets a little frustrating :(

AY - posted on 10/13/2010

i make my hubby do lots of things or else.. when my ds was very little, i was very upset with my hubby once about his not being involved and not helping out. he used to travel 10 days per month, and work until very late at night. i got mad enough i told him i was taking a break, and left for a mini trip all by myself. he took off 3 days to work from home and took care of the baby. i think since then he didn't dare to tell me that he didn't want to help out so he wouldn't be doing everything all by himself again. now we have two kids, he can take care of everything and i don't have to worry if i need to go somewhere for a little while.

Jamie - posted on 10/13/2010

Lol my boyfriend (babies dad) does not help with our son nor house hold duties. He loves his son but he plays with him when he wants to. Just because we are SAHM's does not mean that we dont need help with the house hold, or for you to watch the baby while we go have a bath or shower. My son requires a little more attention so I can not find time to get all the house hold stuff done. We are SAHM our job is 24/7. All my boyfriend does is go to work, eat, watch tv and sleep. I do everything else, It would be nice to get a day off or even a few hours. MEN stop saying it is our fault when something does not get done. Don't get me wrong ladies being a SAHM cleaning, dishes, cooking, ect. is our job but the man should beable to watch the baby if we cook or do dishes. That's all I'm saying.

Jessica - posted on 10/13/2010

I just recently became a SAHM. I worked full time ever since I can remember, except my maternity leaves. My husband always helped with everything. Let me mention that he works afernoons 2-12:30 am. So nights are the hardest for me since I am alone with all of them with a 10 yr old, almost 2 and 1 year old, so when he is home on the weekend i would like a little help-he seems to not even notice us in the house now. It is like he thinks since this is my "job" now-I should do it all and not complain. He says "I figure you could just do it", I can, I do it every day, but once in a while it would be great to have help. He was mad at us because we didn't let him watch football all Sunday-we wanted him outside with us. He didn't talk to me for 2 days!!! I would never be able to sit and watch anything for even an hour by myself!!!

Mischelle - posted on 10/13/2010

Sara, men and Dads must help to raise happy and healthy kids and to support their wives and mothers. Many of us chose to give up our fulltime careers as I did(ex International Flight Attendant) to stay home and raise my 2 sons(now 9 & 12 yrs) whereas my hubby did not have to give up his career to have a wife and 2 sons!! I know men also need to work to pay the bills etc but we do as well in the home cooking, cleaning, raising a healthy kids 24/7 My hubby has got more helpful and supportive with time and training from me!! In the begining when our sons were little he rarely offered to help and I got sick of asking for his help! which was often declined as he had something more important to do like checking his email or writing a report for business! Anyhow they way I look at is he has missed out on some beautiful, unforgettable moments with our sons and I was there to enjoy them!! We are still married and been through some ups and downs like every other relationship I suppose...Yes I do agree with you Sara my hubby did get more involved with our 2 sons after they could walk and talk. Hang in there and try to chat with your hubby to explain your needs to him to get more involved with your son even if its just to give him a bath and play with him on the floor with some blocks. Best Wishes, Enjoy your precious time with your son, they grow so fast and take many photos to look back on.

Bethany - posted on 10/13/2010

Heaps. My husband works Mon to Fri, leave home at 7am, and then when he comes home from work at 6pm, I down tools. That's it, If he gets to go home for the day, so can I. He takes her straight away, while he gets changed, and plays with her until dinner is served, then we eat together. After dinner, I wash up and he bathes her and puts her jammies on and plays with her and reads her books then puts her to bed. All I see of her is a kiss goodnight. Most nights.

On the weekends, if there are no parties or markets or whatever to go to, I look after her on Saturdays, so he can get out and mow and potter in his shed and do some reno work, then we usually have a take out dinner and a DVD or something like that, then Sundays, we do the groceries in the morning all together, and then the afternoon is mine, and she follows him around all afternoon, whatever he is doing, and he plays with her until dinner time.

He jumps at the chance to change her or read to her or whatever. He loves it. Am I lucky, or did I just make a smart choice? Bit of both I think.

Nikki - posted on 10/13/2010

I know exactly how you feel! This is an issue that I've toiled with for the last almost fifteen years. However, I've learned that we can only voice ourselves so many times and men only take heed when they see the benefit for themselves. It's much easier to no longer worry myself about what he is or isn't doing. Just enjoy being a mother. I have four daughters. Now the oldest two can help with the younger two but there were many days and still are of all the care being on my shoulders. I quit nagging my husband and do what I can do. What falls through the cracks either gets done or if he has an issue with it he does it. Makes my days much more peaceful. ;-) Basically, my dear, you create the environment that brings you peace. He will reap what he sows...children pay attention. Hang in there! I've come to see that my girls were paying attention and I will reap what I've invested in my girls. If we can control what we can which is our reactions the less frustration we have in the end. Be encouraged! ~ Nikki

Debi - posted on 10/13/2010

I think you need to find a time to talk to your husband. Perhaps yall can go out on a date without the baby & then talk to him. Write it down if you have to. If you're like me, when I start talking about emotional things, I start to cry and then forget everything I was going to say. Or write him a letter letting him know how you feel & hand it to him and then discuss it when he's done.

It doesn't matter that you're a SAHM. I have a feeling if you were a working-out-of-the-home-Mom, he'd do the same thing.

My husband was raised with 3 brothers by a single mother. I thank God for her daily as he is a better housekeeper than I am, lets me sleep in from time to time, even cooks well.

You need to nip this in the bud soon before more kids come along.

Good luck to you.

Carla - posted on 10/13/2010

We have 4 children. They were all born under 3 years. No help what so ever from relatives. Which was hard! We agreed at the beginning he will help with the Children & the House. I really dislike those men that think just because we gave birth to them they can sit on their *'s and have us serve them. Not cool! I am a stay at home Mother. When they all go to school in 2 years I will be going back to work. My husband works two jobs for now. He is a Great guy! I couldn't ask for more. I give him a Honey-do-list every morning and he does it. I do everything else. Including mowing the lawn, I love my roses this year, they are so pretty. My children Love flowers. They help me a lot with the garden. We work as a team. That is what Family is for. If it is one sided it tends to fall apart.

Rosemarie - posted on 10/13/2010

my husband comes home and helps me with the kids all the time he changes diapers feed them and wash their bottles just tell your husband that it's not just your job to be a mom that it's his job as well as a father tell him it's 50/50 and that you get tired and need a break as well

Audrey - posted on 10/13/2010

Well I am in the same boat. My husband works on the road a lot and sometimes I don't seem him for week or a month at a time. When he comes home does he do anything to help me out no. I mean I know he works hard but so do I, I never get a break...and I mean like ever. So what makes him better then me. When he does come home why does he get to go hide in the basement, watch t.v., play video games while I'm stuck doing the same things day in day out. Where is my day to just dissapear to a different room and pretend I'm not there, to not have to be a maid, not have to be a babysitter. When is my chance to just be me and relax and not have to worry about doing all the little things that comes with kids and a house. They seem to think that just because we stay home that that is our day off, we don't work so what's the problem. I think men really need a lesson in what it takes to be at home... I know my husband wouldn't last two days of me being gone alone with our daughter, he wouldn't do the laundry, or the dishes and change diapers, I would come back and the house would be a disaster area... My daughter is walking and talking and I still can't get him interested in being a father except when it suits him and that's not very darn often. So if you ever find a way to motivate or get through to yours please do share it with me cause I've tried talking till my face is blue and I know I'm not getting through to him.

Nicole - posted on 10/13/2010

We have two children, 5 & 11 years old. And my husband traveled a lot for work when our son was younger, but thankfully my Mother lived close enough then that I could call her for a break when I was at my snapping point. Though when he was home he did help out quite a bit when our son was a baby. -diapers, baths, the whole nine yards.- But I chalk that up to it being his first child and it was all new and exciting to him. lol (our daughter is from a previous relationship, and had just turned 5 two days before my husband and I met.)

Now that our son is older, my husband isn't as involved. IE: The don't do many things together like camping, fishing, playing catch, or even playing on the computer! (my husband is an IT security engineer, so computers are his "thing") he doesn't help out at bedtime to get the kids to clear the table and put their plates in the sink, bath time is all on me, tucking the kids in and saying our prayers is on me, though about half the time he does the bedtime story reading with our son. He does help out with some of the things that 'have' to be done more than he doesn't help with things like in the mornings, I get up & get the kids up, fed, dressed, and make sure everything is ready for school. Then I wake up my husband and he walks them to the bus stop before he gets ready for work. (since our move, he works from home.)
In the evenings my husband will help our daughter (6th grade) with her homework if she needs it, or will help me make dinner if I am having one of those nights where everything has to be done at the same time, and he can see me growing more and more anxious and impatient.

I do all of the housework, cooking-laundry-cleaning-yard work, ect; however he has started to help with mowing the lawn since we have moved into a larger house. (and larger yard, filled with poison oak that I learned the hard way I am SEVERELY allergic to.) So he has tried to help out more with that because I got so sick being exposed. However, If I want anything more done than just running the mower over the yard, I have to do it. He doesn't edge, rake, clear the sidewalks & driveway, or weed the flower beds as he says "it doesn't bother me, so why do it?"

So, as for me I am told by my Mother in law how lucky I am that he helps; but she is old school and still waits on her husband & mine hand and foot. The men don't lift a finger in her house, the women do it all. I am of the mind of the new age, where chores and responsibilities are shared equally; and in that train of thought I am more fortunate than most as far as the amount that he helps out, but he still doesn't do a fraction of his share when it comes to the house & the kids.

My suggestion:
What I did when my husband stopped helping out, & I needed a break; when he got home in the evenings, I would have dinner cooked, everything laid out for the kids (PJ's, bed time story, clothes for school the next morning) picked out, EVERYTHING was done. All he had to do was plate up dinner, bathe the kids, ect. And I would hand off the kids, and leave. Even if I had no where to go but Walmart for a couple hours. Then I had 'me time" to just sit back and clear my head. He had no choice but to man up and take charge! lol And to me, I didn't care if he called my Mom, or his, or even the neighbors for help, as long as he wasn't calling me. As long as I got my hour to myself from time to time, and the kids were fed, clean, clothed, happy & healthy, I knew they would all survive an evening with Mommy out. However, if I had stayed some of those nights, I can't say that things would have turned out so well as I was at my breaking point where I NEEDED that hour alone w/o whining, crying, arguing, or "Mommmmy" being said in that 'whiney kid, I need..." voice. lol
I love my children, and would do ANY and EVERYTHING for them, though to be the best for them I have to take that "me time" now and again to keep me at my best. ;-)
I hope you are able to figure out how to implement "me time" into your hectic life. It sure makes a difference. :)

Breeze - posted on 10/13/2010

Well, Sara...I'm in the same boat. But judging by the majority of the posts everyone else has got it made! However, I'm SURE there are many more out there like us. If I had an answer to this solution I would give it to you. I'm on the brink of a breakdown, possibly divorce. I'm only One person having to be responsible for 4 others emotions and every flipping need. Woo. Feel better now. Anyhow, the way I look at it. They are the one's missing out. Hang in there Momma, it's well worth it!

Margaret - posted on 10/13/2010

my husband is very helpful with our daughter. at night the role is 50/50. he helps with bathing feeding, dressing for bed, brushing teeth etc etc EVEN diapers lol. But he doesnt get very involved in playing with her, well not as much as i'd like i guess. he tries but shes only 19 months old and he finds it difficult to "play" with her when she will never sit still, doesnt like to play "with" you just around you, and doesnt talk much. i know when she gets older it will be easier to interact iwth her. but i can't complain because he is doing his best and tries really hard :)