How much does your husband/boyfriend actually help with your children?

Charlotte - posted on 10/08/2010

My man is just like yours, Sara! Although he claims he does more than me around the home! I have 5 year-old twin daughters and a 2-year-old son so I'm pretty busy! And always tired but I keep "working" (since to most ppl being a sahm isn't real work!) cos I have to! At least my man gets weekends and sick leave, I don't! As for advice to motivate your man, I'm afraid I can't help you as I'm in the same boat as you.

Cindy - posted on 10/08/2010

i was in the hospital for 16 days back in 2004 & he made my 13 yr old daughter do all the work & he did not change when i got better & was able to do the work myself .

Misty - posted on 10/08/2010

I had the same problem with my husband until he was on vacation one week and I made him do my job for two days. The first day I stade home and showd him what to do and the nexted day I left and went out with a girl friend for a few hours. That changed his tune and know he helps out alot more and gives me a break.

Cindy - posted on 10/08/2010

i had an ex the same way but he was raised that the woman does all the work with the kids WELL B@##$HIT i was going through medical problems when i got pregnant with our son so it was hard on me when he was born cuz i don't sleep good at all due to the problems & he would not help & his family even agreed that he shouldn't help, they said he had to get up for work & that i could lay down whenever i needed too well then they never had a baby but they did they just didn't think that anyone in their family should do the work. that family thinks the world revolves around them, the in laws no longer had their own family u had to go to their families for all holidays & if u had time to go to ur side then fine but u were to wiped out by the time u were u done with theirs, i finally put a stop to most of it.all i can say is it's time to get rid of him cuz he's not gonna do anything even when the baby is older trust me i know from experience it doesn't get any better, u maybe married in name but ur really not ur really single & a single parent u might as well be legally. that's my opinion cuz i've been there........... wish u all the best

Stephanie - posted on 10/08/2010

Sara-
You are not alone. I could have written your post!

Becky - posted on 10/08/2010

My hubby helps me out a lot.. With him being in the military and he work nights its hard for him to help. On his days off he gets up with our daughter to let me catch up on sleep and helps during the day. We just got to Germany so its been a lot of adjusting for us and our daughter because she got messed up on her sleep and he helped out a lot because i wasnt sleeping good and he basically let me sleep so i can get use to this schedule.. Also with me about to finish up school he knows how important it is for me to get my studying in for getting my degree and he helps out with that.

Tiffany - posted on 10/08/2010

I have somewhat of the same problem. My boyfriend is a great Dad, and in the first month helped a lot. But it started dwindling from there. He is on the computer a lot as well, but I wasn't having any of it lol. We talked it out and agreed that there is no computer games until after 9PM when she is in bed. When she's in bed, go for it. I'm on the computer quite a bit too, but I like to play with my daughter. My boyfriend has gotten a LOT better since we have talked a few times. He changes diapers, feeds her if I'm getting dinner/breakfast ready and plays with her. On his days off he tends to her if she wakes up in the middle of the night. I haven't been able to sleep in in over 6 weeks because of his new job (works overnights), but that is something I have to deal with. Before this new job schedule though, he did let me sleep in on his days off if I asked. He doesn't give baths, but he gets very nervous because she flops all around. I don't mind that though. I do wish he helped with bottles lol, but it's just a LOT quicker for me to do it. It's not something that happens overnight, it takes a bit. I definitely suggest setting a time aside to talk to him about how you're feeling. A lot of men do tend to not help with the child early on because either they don't feel comfortable doing it, they're afraid or they're just a**holes lol. I think you need to set some boundaries. Do you have a problem with him going out and leaving you home alone way past her bedtime? If so, bring it up. He should be helping. Changing diapers, feedings, playing, etc. are all part of parenthood and he needs to step up and start helping you. The only advice I can give on how to motivate him, is to just flat out tell him what your expectations are. Being a SAHM is a full time job, and the sooner he realizes that the better.

Heather - posted on 10/08/2010

I am very lucky me other half takes care of the babies and even has gotten up in the middle of the night and told me to stay in bed. Men have to they need to help to. Mine will do laundry dishes and anything else I need my biggest problem is that I have a child from a previous relationship and he seems to have problems being a dad to him. My oldest son has never seen his dad so to him my other half is his dad and he loves him to death.

Charlie - posted on 10/08/2010

When he is home from work we are 50/50 he helps change nappies , baths the kids while i get dinner ready , we take turns reading books to the kids .

There is no way i would tolerate the father of our kids slacking on his responsabilites , we made a child together , we raise them togather !

Alexandria - posted on 10/08/2010

Ha! My man is with me at home most of the time. He only works like 4 hours at night and he doesn't even help me much! My man told me most men are more involved when the kids are much older. Usually when the kids can actually respond more. Which is kind of true when you look at it. Most men aren't into the goo goo gaga things as woman are. but If he really isn't paying much attention to your little one he probably doesn't mean it personally. He does work all day and he probably doesn't get much time for himself. Talk to him about it. Maybe ask him if certain days he can just take the time to spend time with his kid. Ask him if he can plan days to do that. So you can feel better about it.

Jamie - posted on 10/08/2010

My husband is very helpful. When he gets home from work at about 4pm he comes in and starts spending time with our daughters. He will take them outside or just have playtime inside. He gives them their baths if I have had a busy day. He puts them to bed every night since get up with them through the night. He lets me sleep on the week ends and he is great with diaper duty. He is a plus cause he helps do house hold chores! It wasn't always like this though. At first it was touch and go until he saw how stressful it could be. I told him, Look, either you can pitch in or your gonna have to start fending for yourself. If I had a busy day he ended up making his dinner or folding his laundry or what have you. Finally after an emotional break down we talked it out and set a boundary. He helps as he cans or as I need it and he gets to sleep at nights and still play on his computer (he is a computer tech) or his video games. We compromised. But as time grew on and we had our 2nd he really fell into the roll. I think the best thing you can do is sit down and make a list of a few things you would like help with during the day or whne he gets home from work and discuss it with him. Dont try to push to much at once or it could be a disaster...lol but try and get him to see how much you do by writing down the daily chores or what not that you do in an average day. Help him see how much work it really is. Then tell him that helping with a few things is really the least he can do because honestly it is the least he can. I hope I was of help. I wish you the best of luck!

Carissa - posted on 10/08/2010

Mine does the same exact thing except for the part about leaving the house late. It is all about the computer. I have to literally put the baby in his arms and say I am going to take a shower. He doesn't ever offer to give me a break even when I clearly begging for one. I have even voiced my needs and it just seems to fall on deaf ears. I know that he loves our son but it would be nice to have him do bath time or something so I could get a break and so that he could do some bonding time with our son. I would love suggestions also. He also never gets up in the middle of the night, it is always me b/c he works. ug. I work too....24/7!

Kendall - posted on 10/07/2010

My husband helps out tons. Of course he comes home and plays with Brennan tons. But we have a routine and my husband puts our son to bed by giving him a bath and putting P.J.'s on and reading a good night story. He also changes diapers,feeds him( when needed) and he helps with house work to by doing the laundry on the weekend. And with out any complete he told me once all the stuff he does is simple because it is what a husband and daddy should too. I am very lucky

Tasha - posted on 10/07/2010

my boyfriend helps me so much! he changes her bum and helps me when bathing her changes her clothing rocks her to sleep after breastfeeding her and if she doesnt want to go to sleep lol hes incredible it's unfortunate your husband/bf does not help im sure he is a good dad though maybe you should try talking to him about it and explain the baby does sence if you want to be around him and im sure he wants to be with his dad as much as his mom

Michelle - posted on 10/07/2010

My husband and I have 3 children together. In the beginning, 6 yrs ago, this was our argument as well. I wouldnt put up with it though! He has totally changed. He gets up with the baby on the weekends when he is not working and lets me sleep in for as long as I want. He helps me get the kids off to work every morning. He helps with house work if I ask. The only thing I dont want him to do is laundry because he will mess it up. He also work a full time job. He helps me clean up dinner every night and sometimes he cooks dinner. He plays with all 3 of our kids. I wouldnt still be with him if he was still acting the way he was in the beginning. Good Luck! I hope you are able to make him realize.

Deanna - posted on 10/07/2010

My husband does a lot. He works full time outside the home, takes care of the yard and the trash (inside and out) He helps clean up after dinner and he sometimes cooks or takes us out. He cleans the downstairs bathroom all the time and he keeps the downstairs pretty clean. (male domain and all)
My husband started doing what yours is doing but I put a stop to that real quick. I waited up for him one night when he didn't get home until midnight. I told him we needed to talk and to grab a drink because it was going to take a minute or two. I explained to him what all I did each day and even though he did more and harder work than me, that I wanted time with him and he needed to spend time with our daughter. (we only had one at the time and a smaller house) Now we have 3 girls, a much bigger house, and I am homeschooling them so he is more involved in everything. He gets to go out twice a month on his own as do I. About once or twice every couple of months we go out together but we spend a lot of time together after the kids are in bed so we don't have to have that time out like some people.
Anyway, I hope that this helps in some way.

good luck and god bless

Katie - posted on 10/07/2010

My fiance goes to school in the morning, comes home and does homework then goes to work 2nd shift. He usually only helps when I ask him to do something, like feed Cole or change his diaper but he has no problem playing with him!

Courtney - posted on 10/07/2010

I think it is in the tone ladies. My husband is loving and bless him he tried to be helpful and sometimes he really is others I have to ask and I hate having to ask. I have been having some health problems so he has been helping more but I have to keep in mind he will never do things like I do. His help has to be good enough because he is doing it. I cant correct him or he wont help again. And really my son being a little extra messy isn't going to hurt him just annoy me lol

Denisia - posted on 10/07/2010

My husband helped out all the time during our daughters first 3 months. After that he helped out but not like he should. Of course my husband has ADHD, n is Bipolar so he has trouble consitreating. We have had problems these last 2 months n are taking some time apart. He does come n see our daughter but he has alot on his mine. But once he gets stuff figured out and everything he will help with our daughter so much more. But he comes back to town on tuesday and our whole family is hopeing that he got everything figured out n wants to be a dad and a husband.

Bianca - posted on 10/07/2010

I have just read all of the replies and i must say that i am SO LUCKY ! my hubby works 1am-12noon 4 days a week. so he gets home just as the kids are having their naps... after having a rest he is a very hands on dad...he plays with the kids all afternoon so i can have a break, even preparing dinner(for me 2 cook because he's hopeless :P). he does all of our washing and vacumes the house everyday. Everything else is my job. This help does make a happy household. We have been trying to find a happy medium for a while and i think we have found it... he always says a happy wife= A happy life..

Christy - posted on 10/07/2010

That must be heaven. I cant even get him to put a new bar of soap in the shower when the other one is used up. Even when i leave it out on the sink for him.

Christy - posted on 10/07/2010

My husband is the same way..He figures that he works way too hard at work all day and i just sit around and watch tv all day....Which is not true becuase our son is 3 years old. e thinks i get breaks during the day which i dont because our son doesnt take a nap anymore. He is very active. Every once in a while I can get my husband to give our son a bath but that is about it. Now that our son is 3 my husband wants him to start potty training but does not want to help me with it. He guesses i can do it all myself and he doesnt understand why i am in a mood when he comes home from work after listening to our son whine and cry all day when he does not get his way He is in the temper tantrum stage). If someone has a good idea on how to get the hubby motivated to help i would greatly appreciate it too.

Stifler's - posted on 10/07/2010

I agree they need downtime after work but all afternoon no. Cut xbox off at 6 and inform him that either cooking bathing the kids or cleaning up after dinner has to be done RIGHT NOW and you're not doing it all. That's what I do to mine who thinks he can watch monster garage and then that 70s show and then bludge some more while I do the dishes and bath Logan and give him a bottle by myself. Last night he did the bath and the bottle but honestly it was like having a placement student on work experience.

Heather - posted on 10/07/2010

Mine does help now but when the girls where younger it was like pulling teeth to get help. He felt intimidated by our daughters and was always afraid he would hurt them. The older they get the more he has started helping. They just turned 2 &3 and depending on the night he will help with bath time or cook dinner, or depending how late he has to work maybe just play with them so I can take a shower before they go to bed.

Shannon - posted on 10/07/2010

I do have to say what would men to with out an x-box (most men) there lives would be in shambles they wouldn't know what to do, But I would LOVE to see it. I don't know how a screen T.V or other wise could be more improtant than there children

Lisa - posted on 10/07/2010

Emma, that is my hope, too ... that one day he notices he is missing so much, that he doesn't really know them as well as he'd like. My husband hires someone to clean and do dishes and laundry for me (she lives in) so when he doesn't do a damn thing, I give him a free pass!! I wish you had the same ... really, it isn't fair that your job extends into nights and weekends while he is playing xbox!

Emma - posted on 10/07/2010

My husband is a complete waste of space...bless him, we have 3 kids and he's never really helped me, he thinks because he works he doesn't have to help at all! He somtimes vaccumes at the weekend! He never gets involved with our children, I even have to take my son to lads and dads football because he refuses to! I have always been mum and dad to my kids, so it hurts when I see how much they adore their Daddy and he does as he pleases, comes home from work at 5pm and has a shower, sits playing xbox for most of the evening while I cook, clean, wash clothes, sort uniforms and shoes for school, help them with their homework, get them all bathed, teeth brushed and in bed while he just sits there and watches me struggling, tutting if I walk passed the tv and block his view. It feels like Ihave 3 kids and 1 teenager, not a husband!!! I've begged him to get more involved but it falls on deaf ears, so it's up to me to do the extra work and make up for it! As long as my kids are happy I'm happy....Maybe one day he'll realise what he's missing out on??

Lisa - posted on 10/07/2010

Ha! My husband is a gem ... he supports me, does his own job with dedication I cannot match, and honestly adores his daughters ... BUT. The man does not do much to help with them in a practical ways ... he will change a diaper but he won't play with them or read a book to them or even tuck them in at night. I don't get after him much about it ... after all, he isn't asking me to wake up at 3am to check the Asian markets or pay bills or anything. I really can't complain!

Shannon - posted on 10/07/2010

Hey Sara, I think most of us mums are in the same boat here my husband used to help at home and by help i mean clean the kitchen and wash the laundry and thats when we had 2 kids but now that we have 5 he works most of the time. I would be happy if he just spent more time with them. Now he does take them a couple or them at a time mind you but he'll take 2 usually and go gopher hunting or take one on the tractor while bailing so I can't really say to much but if he would take them all once in a blue moon that would be great.

and yes when there babies they don't want much to do with them my hubby only laid down on the couch and but our boys on his chest and then went to sleep but that was it the rest was up to me and i had 3 11 months apart all in diapers and bottles but I made it out of that stage and the older they get the more he has in common with him the more time they will spend together at least mine are starting to, just wish he didn't have to work so much

Lesley - posted on 10/07/2010

My hubby helps but not that much I still feed her and bathe her he may change an occasional diaper and spend time with her when I want to shower or have a convo on the phone... I am a SAHM too so he usually comes home from work showers plays X-Box (lol). And goes to sleep... I feel he should help me out a little more it def. is b/s...

Melissa - posted on 10/07/2010

During the week it's hard to get him to help me because he comes home from work at different hours. On the weekend he helps me put our son to bed and feeding him. I've agreed to change his diapers since he doesnt have the stomach to do that. But there are times when I wish that he would help me more. This is his first child and he's afraid to give him a bath cuz he doesn't know how. I wish that he would understand that staying home does get frustrating and that even I need a break at times.

RicaMarie - posted on 10/07/2010

Ok here is my deal i was in a 10 yr relationship with my x who "raised" my son and he never helped out he would only occasionally help out and maybe once in a blue moon actually do something with my son. then i left him and got in a relationship with a younger man who never had kids and ill tell you he is the best most active parent figure i have ever seen. he does all kinds of stuff with my son and teaches him and interacts very well. my boyfriend put it best he learned how to be a "parent" from the best! (aka his dad) i think men act the way they do due to how there parents acted with them. i dont know what you could do to help motivate you husband as for i spent 10 yrs trying with my ex. as i look at it i agree with you it is total bs. and like i was always told growing up any man can be a "father" but it takes a real man to be a true dad! good luck im sure all these woman have been giving you lots of advice. all i can say is be the best mother you can be and it will all work out in the end. good luck and hope it gets better i so know what its like to have a unhelpful spouce. i had 2 of them. my sons father and the one who raised my son. and now i have the most wonderful helpful loving man i could ever ask for teaching my 11 yr old how to be a real man!

blessings feel free to contact me if you just need someone to talk to!

Kim - posted on 10/07/2010

I've gone through the same thing with my husband. It's hard to be a stahm because there's no "off" time. I got to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I told him exactly how I was feeling and how I felt he had been neglecting his kids and me. He explained that he works his butt off and needs some time to undwind too. We were able to work out a "me"time schedule that makes both of us happy. Be willing to compromise and don't come across like you are attacking him. Good luck!

Treva - posted on 10/07/2010

I've been with my signifigant other for 20 years & I know exactly how you feel. We have 3 kids & he always worked while I stayed home. I guess I just didn't care if he helped or not. He would always come home & play video games, back when it was the original nintendo & our then 10 month old boy would play with him. Once the computers come out, that's where he was & still is. Now instead of nintendo we have playstation & xbox 360. Of course now our kids are 18, 16 & 13. I just always took over taking care of the kids. It never bothered me, it bothered other people but not me. Whatever works for you two. There is no right or wrong way of doing it.

Kait - posted on 10/07/2010

my boy friend only helps if i fight with him we only see him on the weekends and its like he never wants to to any think if my son crys he wont move he'll just wait till i get him i thought he would help out cause thats what he said be for my son was born but now its like he says hh i miss you guys' i say to him yeah right u miss us till i ask you to feed him or some thing right?,,,, then my sons 1st word was mama and it was like he coude care less but the second my son said dada it was another story.. i want more kids but its like how do i have another baby with some ne who wont grow up and man up to his family

Holly - posted on 10/07/2010

i used to have this problem, but it seems to hsave [passed with time and lack of cooking lol my other half does do allot with the children when he gets in i have even managed to get him to wash up every blue moon though i tidy up fter him as much as the children

Candi - posted on 10/07/2010

Last night after taking my girls to dance class, I came home and my husband and my son were cleansing the kitchen (not just cleaning), preparing dinner and getting the table set. My son had already finished ALL of his homework. Since my husband usually works nights and all of this is on me, I keep asking my son if he finished his homework or if he needed help! I can't help it. Breaking routine is hard even if it is just one night

Stifler's - posted on 10/07/2010

A lot of them have to be asked Beatriz, I had to demand that mine do stuff instead of be lazy and think that he could go to work and come back and that was it.

Beatriz - posted on 10/07/2010

my husband has to be ask to help he doesn't actually do it by will he does because i bitch and compliant. maybe once in a great while he'll play with them because i guess he is in the mood. i feel sad when he doesn't really spend time with them

Stifler's - posted on 10/06/2010

My boyfriend's always at work so most of the tasks are done by the time he gets home like washing etc. and making dinner and feeding baby. He plays with Logan a bit then I bath him and put him in bed. He helps a lot more on the weekend by getting up on Sunday so I can sleep in and bathing him and feeding him.

Jenny - posted on 10/06/2010

I can definitely relate to you my dear. Sometimes I feel that I am a single mother. I never get a break and I do everything. My hubby gets home late and by then the kids are bathed and dinner is done (on a good day) but when its not I feel like I tackle it alone.

Jessica - posted on 10/06/2010

Hmm, you know what works for us...we take turns in everything! when we are both home - If I changed one diaper, he has the next. If I fed her lunch than he feeds her dinner, I put her down for nap than he has to put her down for dinner...and we switch it up. Hope things get better for you! :) Fight for what you want! Things can change.

Jessica - posted on 10/06/2010

I've been truely blessed to have a husband like mine, since day 1 I've made sure he is 100% involved in taking care of our daughter. Now I can honestly say when He is home from work he probably does 60% of taking care of her. I wouldn't have it any other way.

What does he say when you talked to him about this?

Carla - posted on 10/06/2010

My husband is one of those dads that didn't really get involved alot until our son was a year old. He had never really been around babies and didn't know what to do with them. I use to get so upset with him. We had a really long talk about it and come to find out he didn't know what to do with him. He told me that I was the one that was home with him all day long and he didn't want to mess his schedule up or do something wrong to make things harder on me. He told me that I just need to tell him what I wanted help with and he would try to help out as much as he could. Now we have a two month old and he is a lot better about knowing what to do with him. My husband works full time and has his own business. So he works all day long some evenings and every saturday and some sundays. We have made an aggrement that I get to go play bingo or something that I enjoy doing with out the boys atleast twice a month as long as I give him plenty of notice. He is usually going crazy by the time I get home but they don't learn sometimes unless you make them learn how to do things.

Tiffany - posted on 10/06/2010

My hubby is from a very old fashioned family. He doesn't help hardly at all. The only thing he does is watch our 2 year old for me to cook and clean the kitchen. Every once in awhile he will put her to bed, but that is rarely. I also have an 11 and 12 year old which he helps with them a little. But for the most part I do it all around the house. My hubby's family thinks the man works and gets to come home and do nothing that he brings home the bacon so he earns the right to sit on his butt. He also thinks I sit on my butt all day because I'm a SAHM and our house is not spottless. I also have learned the older the man gets the more he will help and when your kids get older he will help more. It took alot of fussing to get my hubby to help. Goodluck hope you have better luck getting your hubby to help than I do.

Tracy - posted on 10/06/2010

Well it used to be that he didnt help out at all until this last month. My husband is home for 6 months and will return to active duty in the military. So we decided that he would take care of the kids (3, 20mths, 6 mths) well I tried to get our home business going. LOL He now understands why the dishes might not have gotten down or the laundry, ect. Our home business has taken off like hotcakes thank goodness and so we are both able to be home and enjoy life. Just try a role reversal even if its just for the day so you can get out by yourself. He will at least appreciate you that day!

Annie - posted on 10/06/2010

This seems to be a common problem among SAHMs. I recently told my other half that one of the reasons that he is not getting what he wants, if you know what I mean, is because I don't get what I want. I have also gotten so fed up that I threatened to leave. My partner thinks that time off work is party time. I have explained to him that this is not ok, I don't get a day off, I am always on call, and I am always the responsible one. I want a partner that is exactly that, a partner! Just be because he is off work doesn't mean that he doesn't have work to do at home. Our son just turned one and he finally gave him his first bath. He has been trying to help around the house more, and is being more attentive to my needs. I know it may be a little extreme, but I already feel like I am raising this baby on my own. We have also learned to listen to each other, it's not just him that makes this hard. There are some things that I have been doing too, so he says. You have to expect that he is going to have some things to say! Good luck!

Tiziana - posted on 10/06/2010

My husband as changed our son's diaper once. He plays with him for a little when he gets home from work and keeps him occupied while I get dinner ready most of the times. Bu he as never given him a bath or gotten up in the middle of the night when our son cries, he does get up sometimes but after I do usually :). I really don't mind it, this is why I decided to be a sahm, so that I could take care of my baby 24/7. And I can tell by the way my hubby old's our little boy that if he would have to give him a bath etc..etcc... it would be a disaster.

Terrill - posted on 10/06/2010

I am sorry to hear that so many women struggle to get their significant others to"help-out" with the kids and/or housework! To be honest, my husband is brilliant with our 14 month old son AND the housework! He owns his own construction company and during the busy times, I definitely do the majority of the housework, cooking and looking after our son, which I am perfectly happy with knowing that my husband is working at keeping a roof over our head and food on the table. Even when he is working, he still likes me to try to keep our son up as late as possible so he can see/play with him and he chips in with the housework.

When my husband is not very busy, we take turns waking up with our son, doing dishes, cooking etc...My husband loves giving our son baths and playing with him and does not hesitate to say yes when I ask to go for a nap or a bath or whatever. My husband feels, and I totally agree, that we both agreed to have a baby and it is therefor both of our responsibility to look after him. The only thing I can suggest really is to remind your significant other that it was decision you BOTH made, that it should not come down to just you to raise your child/ren or to look after the house. Perhaps one night you should make plans outside of the house and make him stay home with the kids to get him more involved. I find it a bit sad though that he is not just willing to do so as it IS his child....good luck and I hope it gets better for you!

Sharon - posted on 10/06/2010

On the weekends My husband cooks dinner. It may not seem much but it is a big help. Even though he works long hours, when he gets home from work he takes his shower than plays with our boys. He tells me to take a nap, take a shower or just go out and have time to myself which is great. I know he's probably tired from working but at least he makes the effort to ensure I have some me time and helps out when he can.