HOW TO DEAL WITH MY MOTHERS DEATH AND MY BABYS

Angie - posted on 06/28/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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THIS PAST MONTHS HAS BEEN THE HARDEST FOR ME I WAS ALWAYS HELPING IN MY KIDS SCHOOL ALWAYS HAD TIME FOR THEM AND THERE PROBLEMS BUT MY MOM GOT REALLY SICK BY DECEMBER AND I TOOK CARE OF HER EVERYTHING CHANGE FOR ME AND MY 5 KIDS,I STOP VOLUNTEERING AT THERE SCHOOL,ALWAYS HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY MOM,DONT GET ME WRONG I LOVED HELPING MY MOM,SHE RESENTLY PASSED AWAY JUNE 7 2010,AND ITS BEEN REALL HARD TO DEAL WITH HER DEATH AND BE STRONG FOR MY BABYS,I KNOW THERE ALSO HURTING ABOUT THIS.NEED ADVICE ON HOW TO DEAL AND HELP MY KIDS DEAL WITH THIS...

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Melinda - posted on 06/29/2010

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My father was diagnosed october 3, 2009 with pancractic cancer. I was breast feeding at the time and had to stop all my motherly duties. My husband had to go from a full time to a part time and evenutally loosing his job to take care of our son so I could be with my father. He passed in Feb 3, 2010. The day after our oldest sons 10th birthday. It is hard to be in a harden medical routine, where all you see are bad things and saddness. The loss of a parent is never easy. As selfish as it sounds when my dad died I didn't feel sadness I felt relief that he was no longer hurting and we didn't have 12hrs worth of medical appts every day. Then I thought I can finally go home to my family. I am just now dealing with the grieving part and it is hard. Most patient programs that your mother was in will offer help and counsling to you for your loss. I strongly suggest using them or your church, or some kind of support group so you can talk freely about the way you are feeling and get questions that you have anwsered. And as hard as it is with time the pain will go away. So sorry for your loss, hope this helped a little.

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Clara - posted on 11/01/2010

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When my friends mothers died she was having a terrible time dealing with it, I bought her a huge candle holder and candle and I told her that when she lights the candle say prayer for her mother,It is said that the flame of a candle can be seen in heaven by the intended person.Your children and you can say a prayer and light the candle together,possible heal together also.

Melissa - posted on 10/30/2010

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Im so sorry I know your pain....My advice is pray, ask god to hold you and your babies hearts...its the only thing that got me through my daddy's death and brought me close to God! I found a peace that I would have never imagined once I began to pray!

Angie - posted on 10/30/2010

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i youst want to take the time and thank all you mommys who help me out trhu this hard times,i really am thankfull that i as able to come across,wonderfull mommys like you...

Danielle - posted on 06/30/2010

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I know this is not completely the same but I am facing cervical cancer and at first I thought it was the end of the world. I fell into a dark place, but then I realized I'm not the only one going through this. My husband and both my kids are going through this right along with me(although they don't know details. Jus that mommy is sick) So one day I was sitting watching them play and realized that even though I'm going through hell they are what it's about. Throw yourself into your kids but you have to grieve for your mom. Help them remember her through you. Tell them stories of how she was when you were growing up. Not only will that help them, it will also help you. Greive as a family but let the healing begin. I know it's hard right now but take it day by day...eventually the pain will ease a little. I'm praying for you and your family. Remember God will never give you more than you can handle.

Bridget - posted on 06/29/2010

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Hi, My mum passed away in January this year and it hurts every day. She had been sick for 2 years though. It was unexpected that she died now, and if she was going to die the doctor said the end of this year...
I have a picture of mum (nanny) and we say hi every day to her. I talk about mum like she is still here in body as I believe she is definitely here in spirit (hope this doesn't offend you but that is my belief).
I have a sister to talk to, and this helps a great deal. I also have other close people who have been through the same or similar experiences. This helps. If you don't have someone like this, then this site is the best place to find someone.
From all I've heard, it really helps the kids if you talk about how they are feeling now that nanny (your mum) has gone and to tell them how YOU are feeling, as this will give them the example that they will remember as adults on how to act also. Its also ok for them to see that your are sad/crying and you can talk about what you're feeling.
When i call my sister, it might just be to say "i was feeling sad about mum and I miss her and it's just not right" and she just has to say "I know".
I will say to you now "I know, it sucks and it's just not right".
I have been told that it gets easier in time... and I want to ask mum how she felt about when my nan died.. how she feels now... but I cant...and sometimes I feel like I don't want it to feel better because a bit of mum will have gone... but I know that this isn't right...mum will be with me forever.. and it helps to get any pictures of mum and remember the times that you had together. You can even tell the kids stories about your mum or of you and your mum (I sometimes tell them bedtime stories about mum and me when I was little).
Also, I want people to know how amazing and special she was to me and how fantastic she was.. but there will be so much that so many don't know... but that's ok because I knew her as my mum. The more you talk about her and share her with your kids and family and friend the easier it gets as you get to remember her.
I hope this helps.

Lacye - posted on 06/29/2010

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i'm sorry for your loss. when i was 8 months pregnant, i lost my dad's brother to brain cancer, my grandmother to Alzheimer's, and my bf's dad (who i was taking care of) to lung cancer. it was hard but i just started going back and doing the things that i was doing before their deaths. i was sad that they were gone but i knew that i couldn't grieve forever. i'm not saying to completely forget about you mom. that will never happen. but try getting back into helping out your kids' school. if you kids want to talk about it, then answer what ever questions they have. let them know that you are there for them when ever they need you

Rose - posted on 06/29/2010

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Im sorry for your loss.... I cant tell you how to deal with it but I to went threw something like this and its hard!! In 08 the day after christmas my mother passed away and 2 weeks later was my daughters 1st birthday.... I am now expecting my second child in Nov and its causing me more problems with knowing my mother wont be here or apart of it. And my kids dont get to know there grandma.

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My kids were 3 and 4 when my Step dad of 21 years died and it was hard he was there when i had my first baby which died at 9 months pregnant, he walked me down the aisle and was at the hospital when i had my two girls and it was around the hoidays he passed and he lived 9 hours away. I thought i was ok until last year it hit , i guess i was being strong for my mom and ignoring it but i realized whith my attitude i was still grieving and had to g pray and give to God. He knkows how you feel when no oneelse does. I cried and prayed and cried. Its ok to cry but i realized if i felt i was getting upset wih my husband or kids because was feeling sad i would go to the bathroom cry, clean my self up and ask God to get me through the day it helps. If your married share it with your husband. if you think he wont understand that is ok, But let him know you are feeling down i need his shoulder to cry on or maybe a best friend. Dont keep it bottled up it will drive you crazy. I also learned to talk to me kids. They might miss grandma to, let them know yo miss her maybe they are keeping it inside like you are. I hopethis helps you, i will pray today for your comfort and peace.

Louise - posted on 06/29/2010

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I am sorry for your loss. Firstly I would like to say that you need to deal with your loss first. If you have not contacted a local berievement group then do so. They will be able to talk you through your grief and how to deal with your children. Now your mum has passed you need to get back into your life again by volunteering at the school like you used to. This will bring back some normality into your childrens lives and give you a break away from grieving at home alone. Children are very resiliant and can cope with much more than we give them credit for. It is still early days and nobody is expecting you to be supermum. Give yourself a chance to live again and see through this black cloud that has desended on you. Things do get better daily I promise you just need to understand that this will take time. Your children will be fine don't worry.

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You have to grieve to be able to help your children grieve, there are several stages of grief that you will go through they are:

1- Shock and denial - this stage can last for weeks
2- Pain and guilt - you may feel guilt over things that you did/ didn't do, in this stage everything is chaotic and life can seem kind of scary
3-Anger and bargaining - this is the stage where all your pent up frustration of your loss come out
4- Depression, reflection and lonliness - this usually hits months after the loss and may be because it is at a time where your friends or outsiders think that it is time you 'moved on'. This stage is where you realise what you have actually lost
5- The upward turn - this is where you begin to live with your loss
6- Reconstruction and working through - where you begin to function more normally
7- acceptance and hope - you accept that you cannot change what has happened and begin to look forward.

These 7 stages do not run one after the other, several stages can come all at once and you may regress back stages before you move forwards. I think it helped tounderstand these stages when my nan passed away last year because it enabled me to understand that although everyone deals with loss diferently we all feel the same things.

If your children want to talk talk to them, if they do not encourage them to express their feelings in another way - paint a picture, write a poem, write in a diary etc the way you are feeling will pass - you will always have moments but things do gradually get easier. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Ella - posted on 06/28/2010

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I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot say that I know what you are going through so I wont try, but take it one day at a time. My prayers are with you and your family.

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