how to not get frustrated?!?

Libby - posted on 04/17/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I lost my job in September. I was pregnant with our 3rd child who was stillborn in December. After that I didn't even feel like working and wanted to be home with my boys as much as possible. One is in 1st grade and other in preschool. I am currently pregnant with our 4th child and due in October. I'm trying to take it easy but I find it hard to get hubby to do little things around the house for me. Because I'm not suppose to have much physical activity I'm trying not to do things like carry laundry baskets and take the trash out, etc. I asked the hubby to take the trash out last night and he didn't. And then he creates all these extra little jobs for me by not cleaning up after himself. Like he'll leave his plate with napkin on it on top of the stove. Instead of putting the plate in the sink and trash in the trash can, I have to pick up after him. Or like when he washes his face and splashes water all over the counter and just leaves it there or after he shaves he doesn't rinse out the sink. Ok, so honestly I am not a great housewife, and it's not my favorite thing to do. But I feel as if I'm not suppose to complain about picking up after him. He doesn't tell I complain about anything. I just feel like I'm not suppose to since he's the one working hard outside of the home. And I know I'm working hard inside the home. But how do I get him to do those meaningless little things that would save me a little bit of time? Or am I just suppose to suck it up and do it all? This is the first time I've ever been a stay at home mom. I wouldn't have made this choice myself, but I was glad my work made the choice for me. How do I know what the happy balance is though?

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I can't give you any advise but I can give you some hope. My husband was the same way. He use to gripe that I made him clean more than his mother. My response..."that's cause I'm not your mother! And I'm not a maid either! I'm your wife, your partner!" We fought for years. I really don't know when exactly he changed, but he did...eventually. lol
My theory is that he just needed to learn new habits. And it can be tough for an adult to learn new habits. Just remember all this and train you kids with the habits so that their future husband or wife will thank you! lol

Ashley - posted on 05/07/2009

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When you worked did you still do thing around the home? Yes, life doesn't just stop or magically get done just because he's working too. One thing I have realized with men is that they do not see the things we see it's like we are trained to notice the dirt and the little crap laying around but guys seem to have tunnel vision around all of it. Your husband needs to realize that you're not his magical little cleaning fairy that you are supposed to be taking it easy for this pregnancy ( which I can only imagine how fun that is with having children already,so don't fool yourself that alone is a full time job). I've also learned with mine that nagging only made it worse haha so I've stopped it completely I just ask and he gets it done there are days he does forget but he's human and I let it slide. But what I would do in your case is actually put the stuff on his side of the bed, then he'd HAVE to move it and say if he keeps doing it he'll keep coming home to his side of the room filled with his junk!!

Kia - posted on 05/06/2009

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Us women are notorious for nagging - because we have to!! those little things ARE annoying and you have described things that annoy me all the time. My husband is very helpful and I really can't complain about him he does more than his share but mostly because I nag him. It's one of those unavoidable things you just have to train them through nagging I think anyway. If they think they can get away with it they will keep doing it. Try to be a bit easier on youself.

Tammy - posted on 04/18/2009

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All very good advice and definitely some I am gnna try. But I absolutely had to just leave my husbands "stuff" alone until he got it. I mean that I would leave his cups on the table, leave his trash where he left it, if the clothes were not where they needed to be , well you get it. He finally asked one day why I wasn't cleaning, my words were I am, but I am not cleaning up after your laziness. SO now I only have to remind him, to throw trah away, leave laundry where it willget washed etc.. And making hm realize that I too have a job and I am to be respected no matter what I contribute to the family. Good luck.

[deleted account]

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how that would feel.



I agree with Julie's point of view, most of the time, it's just a guy not realizing what they are (or are not) doing. Hair in the sink is a major thing at our house, too, because my husband also shaves his head, and you can imagine what the bathroom looks like after that. It took me a little over a year of reminding, but he has it now. He gets caught up in what he's doing and doesn't even see it, but I had to bring him into the bathroom and show him what he'd done in order for him to understand. Dishes in the sink and laundry in the basket is a given at our house (for kids, too) because if it's not in the sink/basket, I will not wash it.

My husband is a long haul trucker, and he is gone for 3 weeks, and home for 1, so I cannot count on him to take the garbage out, or mow the lawn. If I waited until he got home, our house would be wrecked. But I just can't follow him around and clean up after him all the days he is home. I am pregnant also, but even if I wasn't, I'm not his slave. Maintaining the home is one thing, but if your adult husband is more work for you than your children, something's not right.

Guys are so simple (mostly). You have to tell them straight, hints and subliminal messages just don't work. Tell him what he is doing, explain what you already have to do ('cause you know OUR work never ends), and he's bound to get it. Good Luck!

Julie - posted on 04/17/2009

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Hi Libby, first I want to say that I am so sorry for your loss. I have been a SAHM mom for seven years and 100% understand what you are going through with your husband. Part of it I think is that it is just a guy thing. They truly don't understand how little things can add up quickly when you are trying to keep everything clean and organized and in my case take care of four children. When we first got married I did EVERYTHING, because I felt like that was my job, and was expected of me. After we had 2 children I started to get very resentful of my husband because I had so much on my plate. When I got pregnant with our 3rd child, we had a very serious talk about him helping out. Almost all the same things you mentioned, I don't expect much out of him, garbage duty, wipe the sink after shaving, dishes IN the sink, laundry in the hamper and mowing the lawn. For a long time I would nag and nag and nag and that didn't work. Finally I tried a different approach, I wouldn't ask him to take out the garbage when he gets a minute. I just tell him that " I need the garbage taken out please" I seem to get a much better response if I phrase it so that I need it to be done. I started putting post its on our bathroom mirror with little reminders " A happy wife makes a happy home, PLEASE wipe your wiskers up....Honey now not in a minute!" Kind of friendly kidding around with him, but still getting my point across.

Another thing is start teaching your children good cleaning habits now, I love reminding my husband that our two year old can put her clothes in the hamper..perhaps he can too! lol

Kate CP - posted on 04/17/2009

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I'm a SAHM, too. My husband just got finished working 14 hour days for two weeks straight (tax season) and we've all been sick. But, my husband knows how much I do around the house and if I'm feeling under the weather he'll pick up the slack for me. Even though he works hard he still helps out.
No, you shouldn't just keep doing everything. You're not his maid, you're not his mommy. You're his wife, his partner and he needs to treat you and your home as such. As you have noticed, even the little things pile up and turn into big things! Good luck!

Libby - posted on 04/17/2009

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I would have to say he has always been like this. It's just little things here and there that really don't seem like a lot, but it sorta adds up to enough. Like, why can't the trash make it to the trash can? He'll use sweet and low packets and just leave the wrappers on the counter. He'll leave an empty McDonald's coffee cup on the counter (and when I pointed that out earlier this week I was suppose to know he was saving them for coffee, yet he has a million of those plastic travel mugs in the cupboard). I would just think if he's saving them he would've asked me to wash them out or he would've done it himself.



Last night when I asked him to do the trash I sent him a text b/c he was going to meet his brother after work for dinner. I was headed to bed b/c I had babysat 3 kids all day and had to do the same today so I went and watched tv and fell asleep while he was gone. Anyway, my text read "will you take the trash out for me please". I also asked him to check the kitchen window because I couldn't remember if I closed it. When he got home he was making some a lot of noise, so I thought for sure he took the trash out. But I did it this morning when I got up.



Am I just to assume that I should do everything? I mean it's such little things here and there, should I just keep doing them?





Amber, thank you for your kind words. We are definetly hoping things goes better this time. We were actually very surprised we got pregnant again so soon. It took us two years to get pregnant with our daughter. But I am glad to be a SAHM now. I babysit, and take care of my boys, and I do the house work as best I can. I'm thankful to be able to be home when this next little one comes home. And that is the plan, this one is coming home! We have to stay positive.



Kate, I know he is hurting. But I wouldn't say he is depressed. He is actually taking very good care of me. I'm ok for the most part too. That initial time right after we lost her I was a little worse than now, but he was very strong for me. I know generally guys don't show their emotions, but we have been able to talk about things. I think that helps. I am going to have to remind him that I can't do as much around the house b/c the doctor doesn't want me doing much physical activity. I just feel sorta guilty about that because I am a stay at home mom and now I can't do as much. So, should I just keep doing all those little things that I am able to do, even though he could be cleaning up after himself a little more?

Kate CP - posted on 04/17/2009

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Did he behave this way before you lost your child? If not, he may be depressed and needs help. If this is something that's been going on for a while, then it sounds like you need to speak up! Remind him, gently, that you can't do as much around the house as you used to and need his help. Men love feeling like they are needed. Make sure you phrase things the "right" way. Instead of "Could you take out the trash?" say "WOULD you take out the trash, please?" Or to make it even more effective "Would you take the trash out for me, please?" Sometimes just little verbal changes make all the difference.
*hugs* I'm so sorry for your loss. Good luck and God bless.

Amber - posted on 04/17/2009

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Okay, so I don't have a lot of experience being a SAHM(my daughter is only 18 months) but I can say that I have been teaching her how to clean up after herself and help around the house. I often say, "do this like mommy and daddy do". And then of course we have to be careful to complete the appropriate tasks because everything we do she is watching. Maybe if you approach your husband with an angle like that,---our children are watching and learning to behave and clean up after themselves by what we do. Also, how are your children to respect the house and you as mom if you are expected to do everything for them, they also need to learn independence(all things you could say to your husband). Good luck, and truly I am sorry about your loss in December, I hope all goes as planned this time.

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