Husband and I fight all the time

Lisa - posted on 04/08/2010 ( 50 moms have responded )

189

4

29

Ok so here it is. This is a little personal.

My husband and I fight all the time mainly about two things, Sex and MOney. I am a stay at home mom and he works and likes to spend money all the time. If he could, he would spend 20 or more dollars a day. He doesnt make a set amount of money each week so we never really know how much money we will have.



Now our second fight is about sex. He would like to have it every day if not twice a day. I have zero sex drive and I could go weeks without an urge. We fight so bad about this .I try to budge a little but he doesn't see that and I don't understand his need for it multiple times a week.

I really don't know what to do, and I hate fighting over this.

Does anyone have suggestions

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Christina - posted on 04/08/2010

4

16

0

Lisa,
I would definitely advice you to seek your doctors help because it sounds like you may have some depression going on because you lack energy, sex drive, anger issues with your children, and I feel down about your weight. It is definitely an understandable issue especially for stay at home moms.
Take control of your life!!!! You are too young to feel the way you are feeling and not enjoy every minute of your 20's? We are the same age! You are your own boss and manage the business of taking care of your husband, children, and home you just have to take pride in that and feel like you are making a difference! Whatever you are doing with your day is not working because you are not feeling good about yourself inside? You mentioned that you do not have the energy to workout but that you would like to lose weight? Don't you need one to achieve the other? It makes me sad because you are only 28 and have given up on yourself? You can workout, eat right, and gain the energy you need for your children and your husband. Obesity is the 2nd leading cause of death right now, so if not for yourself then get healthy and feel good for your children.
You also asked how you make sex not feel like a chore? You have to feel sexy to want it. Get up everyday before your children, shower and get ready for your day! get your children ready and off to school, your husband off to work with a full belly and pack him a lunch! make time to go to the gym! have dinner ready when your man gets home. Put your children in the bath & bed by 8pm then you have time to enjoy your husband either in or out of bed. You should be on a schedule as if you were at work and clocked in, so you are productive.
I am almost 8months pregnant and last night my husband went to dinner & a movie...by the time we got to bed it was 11pm and we still had sex even though he had to be up at 6am and I had the energy LOL :0)
Wake-up!!! You are young.....enjoy it!

Rebecca - posted on 04/08/2010

1,988

118

311

If you have a family member close by who could take the kids for a night this weekend, do it!
Go to a restaurant, or order in, rent a movie, cuddle a bit...maybe watch the movie in bed;) You have to own at least one thing he thinks is sexy, so wear it. You might not think you look good in it, but if he tells you you look hot or turn him on in something particular, for the love of God wear it for him! Make this one night about the 2 of you. Don't worry about if the kids are ok or if they are behaving. You need this for yourselves and you both deserve it! Make out like you are in high school all over again and just go nuts.
I think i was the one who said it before about do it more and you will want it more but my husband and i hit a rough patch and we are kind of like you but we have sex a few times a week still. We too argue but some arguing is natural and healthy. Now in your case, i don't think it is healthy, especially now that you are taking it out on the kids and by all means i'm not trying to say you are a bad parent. But you need to sit with him and explain everything that you are feeling and how it is effecting your everyday life with your kids. I find if i have a lot of pent up anger i write everything down and let him read it or i read it to him. This way you don't get interrupted and everything can be lt out. Once the letter has been read take it back and start point by point so he can have a chance to respond. I'm sure he has a lot of anger built up as well but if you do this you can come to the root of it and become a couple again instead of just 2 parents living in the same household. You might seem foolish at first for writing to your husband but trust me it works. I do this every month, just if something he said or did bothered me in that time and we talk about it and things are fine again. I personally feel this has helped our relationship because usually i feel i'm not heard when we are talking. So when i write it down i know i am heard and everything i want to say is said and he can't change it and i can't change my mind about "saying" it.
My husband was actually the one who came up with this next plan. I have never brought up money in our relationship, not once. In Feb of this year i had written him a note about how i was feeling trapped by being home all the time and not being able to get out without getting the third degree so when he came home he sat with me and went over everything that was in the note and then touched on something else. The money in our relationship. In the 5yrs we have been together, i have never paid for anything by my cell phone and when i had my own vehicle i paid for that. He mentioned that i should start sitting in when he pays the bills online and see where all the money goes and what is left will now be split in half and i can do what i want with my money. Again, i'm not a material person and could care less about the money but in all honesty it has helped with me having some money every 2 weeks. It's not an allowance, it's my cut of what is left after paying the bills. He notices that i work 24/7 and yet i make no money so this was his way of letting me know it doesn't go unnoticed the work i do in the home...and with the house for sale it's even harder with 2 young kids to keep clean all the time.
You guys really need to sit and have a heart to heart before one of you breaks. I know you don't want your marriage to end, or you wouldn't be asking for help so once you find something to help stick to it. If the date night works, do it once a month. If the notes work do them once a month or every 2 months and get him to write one too!
Leave notes in his lunch(if he takes one) telling him how much you and the kids love him or how you can't wait for him to come home.
Remember it's the little things that count. Tell him you liek when he calls you sexy or beautiful and you should do the same for him. Did you know men have lower selfestem then women because men are never told how good they look except by the women in their lives and women get it from parents, friends and strangers(sometimes). Men crave the attention you are getting, so tell him once in a while that you thing those jeans make his butt look nice or that shirt brings out the color in his eyes or you like his new hair cut.
I really wish you luck and i hope something i have said will help you guys out. We all hit the rough patches from time to time so don't beat yourself up about it:)
Good luck!!

Trish - posted on 12/30/2010

147

51

16

I am sorta in the same situation...I'm a stay at home mum for over a year now and my husband works. The thing I would suggest to you...if you don't like the way he's handling money you'll need to get a job. I did and won't start in the new year...just to put money aside and get things for baby. I don't know where my husbands money goes on (some of our bills are in arrears) but as long as our rent is paid and I have a roof and food on the table I will not fight with him over money. I won't question it. I won't make money an issue. If I want money...I'll make my own. You can't rely on a man for everything.



Don't fight over money...it's the number 1 killer of relationships. You need to respect and trust your husband. Money is money it comes and goes...don't make it an issue. Plus if your husband works hard for it...what's wrong with him having $20 bux now and again.



As for Sex my libido went down big time after baby was born...and it is a bit low. We average say once a week if he's lucky...but might be a couple of times a month. But I think it's slowly getting there. I'm learning to let down my guard more. You could read or watch romantic stories to get you in the mood. As women even though we're had children we should still get to feel sexy once in a while you know. As for our husbands, and for ourselves too, we need that physical contact. Sex is good for a marriage and our health. One of the things I do if I'm not in the mood is just lie back sometimes and he does his thing...and that usually turns me on and then I got to get mines later that day. You need to give your man some of that sweet pie. If you know the problem lies with you...you need to do something. Watch some porn if you have to...Play with your bits. Just do something...Let down your wall woman.



As for Fighting it is no good. It's a waste of energy and time. If you know you got a good man be more appreciative, because he could be doing worse things. Be happy he comes home to you and wants you...and not wanting another woman. Count your blessings and if you love this man and your family stop fighting. MAKE LOVE NOT WAR!

Crystal - posted on 03/26/2013

1

0

0

I am a full time student and wife and mother to three kids i have the same problems with my husband as far as money is concerned and sex. I have totally lost my sex drive and my husband just spends and spends. The only thing that i have tried is communicating the fact that i am extremely stressed with taki g cafe of the house and kids and trying to recieve my bachelors degree. By the time i get home at night sex is the last thing on my mind. I just want to relax and gather my thoughts. It is hard enough just trying to get through my day and then i have to perform some extraordinary sexual act at the end of the night. For christs sake i just want to sleep. When me and my husband first got together five years ago i was a sex kitten now i am tired as hell. I want to please my man i just dont know how to get my sexy back.

Stifler's - posted on 01/31/2011

15,141

154

597

We fight about the same things only in reverse. I want sex every day and spend $20 or more a day on crap. He doesn't care about the money but refuses to see how having sex more than 1 time a week will make me feel happier or more satisfied with life doing nothing except staying home with the kid every day.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

50 Comments

View replies by

Jessica - posted on 01/31/2011

95

8

1

As far as the money subject goes..my honest opinion is for the two of you to sit down and decide where youd like to spend the money..then come to a basic mutual understanding on how to spend it.

As far as the sex thing goes...i used to be the same way, until i stopped listening to Dr's tell me theres nothing wrong. We are sexual beings, and its totally normal not to want it 24/7...hell there are still weeks i can go without, but i found a natural Dr. and she recommended progesterone cream. Its all natural and not synthetic. It helped my sex drive immensly and helped with dryness...

Now granted i am not a Dr. and this all depends on your body..but i love this stuff!! You can buy it really at any natural store. hope this helps

Brandis - posted on 12/30/2010

152

19

11

i know how you feel granted i only have 1 boy (3 years).. my husband and i both like to spend money BUT we ALWAYS pay the important things (rent, electric diapers food etc) before we buy what we want...i go through periods of "ugh sex dont touch me dont come near me" then i go through periods of wanting to have sex more than he does...he's very understanding or seems to be....my hubby knows what to do that puts me in a better mood after a stressful day...if your hubby doesnt know let him know, something as simple as a peaceful quiet hot shower could make you happy.....just him being affectionate with you not sexual could help...ive only been with my hubby for 4 years and married for 1.. so thats all the experience i have and im only 23 so..ask your hubby to rub your feet and just work his way up ! if it works for you then it should be worth the effort on his part...

Megan - posted on 04/12/2010

5

7

3

im in the same boat your in, i too am a stay at home mom, my fiance brings home just enough money to pay the bills, i had to quit my job cause it was becoming to stressful on me,i found out i was expecting my second child. i would suggest for you and him to set up a budget together, and try to stick to it.

about the sex, i have NO sex drive whats so ever at all...my mother takes my daughter ever saturday night, sounds weird but thats when we "plan" to do our thing. you could set up the same thing, so he knows he is getting it and you wont have to worry about him trying all the time or fighting about it! good luck

Carrie - posted on 04/12/2010

58

28

6

We have the same problem in our home too. We disagree when it comes to money and sex. In my opinion he spends too much money on things that he doesn't need. As far as sex goes, I am the one that wants it more than him.

Jennifer - posted on 04/11/2010

223

59

11

We also disagree about money, and we also do not have a steady income. W edon't "fight" but we definitely do not agree right now. As for sex: I am the one who wants it all of the time and HE DOESN'T!

Kryss - posted on 04/10/2010

172

41

10

Have you ,,,,tried counseling? I cant say i have been through this but like any problems inm marriage it sometimes helps to talk to a counselor and men are always thinking abt sex..Moms tend to focus generally on the kids and then have no energy for the sex, i did so after i had my son but it returned quickly, but it could be that you just need to talk to the hubby and tell him how you feel and you start handling the bills..see if that helps things.

Jennifer - posted on 04/10/2010

12

11

1

I am going through the exact same thing. We are constantly fighting over those two factors...money or sex. So if anyone has advice...plz write me as well lol thank you =]

Lyn - posted on 04/10/2010

29

14

0

ohh...I feel for you! I go through the same thing.. only I've been married 17 years and have 3 kids. Balance is the only way to make it work. Balance in budgeting your money, where he doesn't feel like he is not able to spend some money during the week. If you pack him a lunch, say 3 days a week, (every other day) then he has something to look forward to when he does buy lunch. Also,I totally believe in complimenting each other. If my husband would give me a compliment once a day, I would never take my hands off him!! It's like "foreplay!". We need to feel wanted as a person, and sex is not the only way to show it (for men, they think it is the only way!) Suggest to him, that since you've had kids, your feelings have "shifted" to wanting to feel needed in different ways that physical. You will be amazed how if he "balances" out his needs with yours how it will work. Good Luck!

Kellean - posted on 04/10/2010

114

13

3

Having sex is an important part of marriage as it will bring the two of you closer together. You may want to talk to your family doctor as to why you don't have a sex drive. As far as the money thing goes in giving in to the one thing your husband needs from you, he may be more willing to listen to your ideas on budgeting. He may be spending more to compensate for not being with you intimately. I have read that some men who aren't sexually satisfied find other areas to get gratification like buying something new. Buying something temporarily makes them forget about what they aren't getting in the bedroom. As far as budgeting goes it is just a fact of life in that we all have to do it. You could probably budget money for his spending say his allowance (although I wouldn't tell him it is called an allowance).
I hope this helps! I have been happily married for 25 years.
Best wishes to you!

Cami - posted on 04/10/2010

13

17

2

Sorry to hear about your troubles. We too have these issues. This is kind of silly, but one thing that works for us is I trade something I really want for one round of sex (which he wants). (I am usually the one who wants to buy something so I kinda trade my purchases of sex -- hmmm, sounds kind bad LOL) So, maybe see if he can spend so much money a day (or none) and if he does it, you give in.

About the money issue, writing out a budget helps a lot. It is hell doing it (usually) but maybe if he can see it on paper it will help him realize what he is spending.

Good luck :D

Michelle - posted on 04/10/2010

16

47

0

well i can't help with the money problem but maybe i can with the "sex" thing, your drive should still be strong so i would talk to your doctor about it hun and get back to your old self again. his drive is just as important to take care of, and it will help with your marriage. compromise on twice a week right now until you get back to feeling better, trust me see your doctor.

Megan - posted on 04/09/2010

21

16

4

Girls, girls, girls!!! Listen to yourselves! I KNOW at one point or another sex was amazing, exciting, refreshing... BRING IT BACK. There is no reason you should be deprived of those feelings. Set aside 15 minutes a day and just think about it. Sex...with your husband. Maybe the first time you did it, the hottest time you did it...something you've always wanted to do but never have. Spend 15 minutes just thinking about it, and imagining the details...when you see him, you'll want it. BRING IT BACK...you DESERVE to feel that way!!!

Kelli - posted on 04/09/2010

103

17

11

Sex thing, goes double for me. NO URGE AT ALL....I could go months and be fine. I wish I could change it, but I can't. I used to be the complete opposite. Don't know what happenend.

Jessica - posted on 04/09/2010

3

8

0

do what I do tell him thats why God gave him a hand for. After having my second baby I dont wanna have sex with my husband I dont enjoy it anymore. We've been married for two years. And we fight alot as well. Just tell him to use the hand God gave him.

Megan - posted on 04/09/2010

21

16

4

Make compromises. For each topic set goals for both you and your husband that say you are each trying to understand the other and meet them half way. My husband and I do this for EVERYTHING and now it's as if we think the same. We rarely fight anymore.

As far as the sex...you'll need to figure out a way to boost that libido!! I don't know if your religion is an issue but there are a bunch of things you can do to increase sex drive. Hit me up if you want more info, I think it might be a bit racey for here. If you can successfully increase your libido than it will be easier for you to compromise with him to meet him half way to what he would like it to be. And maybe even beyond that.

Sara - posted on 04/09/2010

38

23

3

Me and my husband have fights about sex also. But im the opposite i love sex and he don't. Sorry cant help

Vanessa - posted on 04/09/2010

9

20

0

Ok this is what I suggest to all woman who are going through that! I went through it and its not easy! It will take a while. Men are matcho and always will be they think that since they make the money they can do what ever and we are jsut there to support them. Well they dont remember who is the one to make sure the bills are paid and and the kids are taken care of.... My advice Make sure they know not in an mean why just simply talk let him know how you actually feel. It took a while for this one with my husband just because he is very stubborn and he doesnt listen to me so if you have one of those you might have to repeat yourself. Also If he doesnt like spending money on you then go out togther when you do then buy what eer you want or need. But If he gripes tell him "well the bills are paid you got to spend it on what you want weres my time??" Woman always need they're time. Ive learned that one. A girls night to get peddys or getting our hair done. Even a simple bubble bath helps to relax and get away from the stress.
As for the sex...... Well I suggest trying something new... Like spark up the relationship a little. The whole lets just jump in to bed and have sex routine doesnt work anymore. Us woman like to be warmed up first get in that mood first. Sometimes even if you arnt in the mood if you jsut want him to shut up hive him a bj It keeps him from griping all the time. when i mean try something new i mean the wispering in the ear or kissing the neck what ever works for you, stuff you dont do anymore that you want to have again I hope it helps!

Lynn - posted on 04/09/2010

2

30

0

your not alone...my man is the same and everything has to b his way or he acts like he is 2!!

Lauren - posted on 04/08/2010

89

20

10

My hubby and I fight about the same 2 issues. Since he makes the money, he gets to spend it the way he wants too. I never buy anything for myself, most of the money goes to the house (bills, supplies, food, etc) and the kids (we have 6) and then whatever he wants to spend it on. He fusses at me whenever I ask him for even $5. Then he yells at me when the money is gone. I have given up on asking him for anything for myself. Luckily my mother buys me new clothes, gets my hair done, adn any other lil thing I want or need. It shouldnt have to be this way because even though I am her daughter I feel guilty sometimes when she does these things for me. But she has always told me that no matter how old I am she will do anything for me even if its buying me "stuff" all the time. When she does do these things for me my hubby gets upset then questions me about how I get new clothes and etc. I have even had to call her and prove to him that she bought me something. I also have no sex drive, he wants to do it everyday and I dont. When you have so many kids and constantly running around after the kids and pets (we also have 6 of those, lol) and cleaning house and running errands and doing whatever else it is we have to do it gets tiring. I dont know what to say to you to help but I wanted yopu to know that you are not alone in this. Our relationship would be perfect if it wasnt for these 2 issues. Ive tried sitting down and talking to him and things seem to work for a few weeks then its back to the same ole bs. Sorry, I think I am venting more than trying to help out, lol. Anyways, Good luck!!!!

Amanda - posted on 04/08/2010

76

20

4

My husband and I fight about the same things in fact it sounds identical to my situation...Its just so frustrating and I don't know what to do either! I just wish that we could figure everything out and everything could just be happy again like it was when we were first married.

Elizabeth - posted on 04/08/2010

33

16

3

I really hope that we are giving you some advice that you can use. I also wanted to say that it isn't his job to make you want to have sex with him it's both of your jobs to make each other want to have sex with each other. I really hope that you are able to feel better in your life so that you can continue to have a happy and healthy life and marriage. Everything starts with yourself and how you want to feel. Good Luck

Kristina - posted on 04/08/2010

142

63

4

I used to fight about with my fiance all the time about sex. I remember after we had our son there would be weeks before I ever even felt a sexual attraction tword him. It caused a lot of problems in our relationship to. All I can say is try to meet him half way. I realize sex isnt something that seems resonable after having kids its like our body is shuts itself off or something. But try to have sex atlease a few times a week. You like me might find that its actually enjoyable again once your really committ to it.

Kelly - posted on 04/08/2010

629

1

51

I have always handled the bills and money in our family, and my husband rarely asks about our finances. He works on commission, so we are like you, we never know from week to week how much he will bring home. It can vary by $300 - $400 per week sometimes. I try to avoid saying too much about the weeks that are really tight, because I try to keep him from stressing over it. One good thing I can tell you about that is that he is a lot better than he used to be (we have been married almost 23 years). I think a lot of times the money problems stem from a control issue. Men can't stand it if we try to tell them they can't (or shouldn't) spend money. All we are saying is that we want to save more for future needs, etc., but all they are hearing is that we are telling them what to do. I think if you try to talk to him about the things you need to be saving for (another place to live, a newer car when yours dies, new appliances, Christmas and kids' birthdays, whatever), and set a goal to save more, he will understand that you are not trying to control him, and maybe he will try harder to not spend money unnecessarily. As for the sex, I totally understand that too, because all these years, my husband has always had more sex drive than me. But just look at it as something that you need to do for him, and it is a huge part of marriage for you to take care of these needs of his. He can't help it that he needs sex more, and you don't want him to go outside of the marriage to meet that need! I have tried and tried to explain to my husband that (most) women don't just go around all day thinking about sex like guys do. We aren't cooking supper, folding the laundry, and vacuuming just waiting for bedtime so we can go at it. I tell him that is his job to make me "want it", but I try to always be willing to be convinced :) Good luck to you, hang in there, marriage is all about compromise, but it is worth it!

Elizabeth - posted on 04/08/2010

33

16

3

Wow, I really hope things are getting better for you and your families. I have a similar problem with my husband on spending money. It wasn't until our son was born last september that I stopped working and stayed home with our two boys. He works however I still pay the bills and handle the money. He's really good about letting me do that. However, he does want to spend alot. I realized that fighting with him about this doesn't work it makes him spend more. It's not even about buying something it's just about swiping that stupid plastic card. In the last two months I have RELAXED and showed him where the money is going what we owe and he saw that he needed to cut back on his spending. Since than he stopped smoking and spending all the time. I at one point took his cards away and hid them that didn't work. Now he has it but we talk about what we are spending. We pull cash out for groceries and other items so that we won't find the need to spend more than we want. the card is only for gas and bills we pay online. everything else is cash.

I also found that communicating through e-mail is always easier on both sides of the conversation. He is able to tell me how he feels without me glaring at him and interrupting him. And so do I. I really encourage you to email your husbands throughout their workday just to say I love you or miss you i didn't realize how much our love life could change. If you can't email send a letter with him in his pants or put it in his car where he'll find it.

We have been married for 4 years and together for 8 years and not until after our second son did we start becoming closer to each other. Communication is huge and so is your sex life. if you can communicat about sex and during sex that outcomes are so much better for both of you. i think mostly you both need to relax and take a step back and remember why you married him, why you make each other happy, can you see yourself without him. you will find ways to work things out. Good Luck!

Jessica - posted on 04/08/2010

4

13

0

I know where your coming from!! My husband and I fight all the time, not about the same stuff thou. I'm tring really hard to work somthing out with my husband to where we talk more. I strongly believe if we could calmly talk out our issues we could figure out ways to solve them. I told him we should each take turns speaking our mind about everything that is bothering each other without the other one saying a word. Then laying out what could be done to fix the problem that would work for both of us. I'll tell you hun I wish our only problems were what you have. We have alot of past issues that just never seem to go away. My husband cheated on me so I have major trust issues and my husband is a clean freak and I have ADD the list goes on. But the main deal is if you both really want to stay together then you both have to realize that marriage is a team effort sacrifices have to be made and you both have to do stuff to make each other happy. Its and a give and take and finding a middle ground is very hard! With money I'd suggest coming up with a budget you both can agree on leaving aside what extra money you each after expenses each month then leaving him to decide when and where to spend it but never spending more then that amount. Then with sex thats hard to say but i know its not fair to your husband to be rejected while he has to understand not to expect to much. Talk to him and tell him what would put you in the mood and make you want it more or try new things set aside a date night every week even if its just a night at home. A few hours after the kids are in bed with out the phone on or any other distraction to focus on each other. So people are lucky to married to people where balance comes easy and just know how to make the other one happy but for others like us Its alot of work but it must be worth it if we choose to stay with that person. I also suggust reading The Five Love Languages It will help you both understand each other better!

Ashley - posted on 04/08/2010

36

41

5

my husband and i fight over the same two things and it makes it worse bc its deployment time and this is the time i really dont want to fight with him. so i decided to take charge and i made a list off all of our bills and the extra money we would have (for you the extra money you could have depending on the week) then i told him to get dresses up and so did i, we got a baby sitter and went out to a nice restaurant and had a great time just actually talking at dinner.(eating dinner is something we rarely got to do together anymore) after dinner we walked around downtown just talking. you need to find a way to get away from whats stresses both of you out and just connect with each other and remember what made you fall in love with each other to begin with. When we were away it was like we had no stress no crying baby it was just us.. Just get out of the house with him for a little while and spend some time together.Good luck!!!

Tanya - posted on 04/08/2010

125

28

6

men will be men and they will never relalise or understand that after having a baby, it does things to your body and you dont want to have sex all the time like you used to. im the same. but my hubby fortunately has come to understand where im coming from. and with the money thing..... theyre all the same, well most of them. their needs come before the bills, and the food, and the kids stuff. they think it grows on trees sometimes i swear! hahahaha just try to sit down with him and get a piece of paper and a pen, and write down what you need to buy that week and show him that he cant just spend it like that. and say to him, if there is money left over that week, either save it or use it for both of you, not just one of you. use it to go out for dinner or something, then theres no arguments. thats just my suggestion. good luck with everything...... : )

Elsie - posted on 04/08/2010

3

51

0

I am a stay at home mom too. You need to have a conversation heavy with your husband alone if is possible. Nobody can tell you about sex and money BUT if in both of you exist comprehension maybe you can fix both problems. Try to tell him what things makes you happy so if he understand you he wil know that sex is when both wants and will be full of love,passion and little things that make women really happy. Refer to money problem, make a list of things that you need to pay and buy; show him and maybe he create conscience and save more. I hope can help you.

Alina - posted on 04/08/2010

129

13

27

My husband and I have had the same arguments, so you're not alone :) Redbook magazine has an article about an oversexed husband in the issue that just came out, and I thought it was really good. It mentions the male side of exactly what you and your husband are arguing about. Try redbookmag; they might have the article there so you can read it for free. As far as the money argument, I don't know if you have a pastor you'd feel comfortable with, who could sit down with both of you and discuss being wise with money. If not, maybe another couple you both really respect could sit and have a candid discussion with you. Maybe he spends because he's nervous, stressed or fearful. You have different money managing styles, and it helps to find an approach to finances that requires you both to compromise a bit. In any respect, find the underlying reason he's spending and deal with that first, instead of focusing on the amount.

Tasneem - posted on 04/08/2010

32

30

4

why dont u talk abt this to ur gynae n he/she may b able to help u n ur husband wid this..they might b able to make ur husband unerstand ur emotional values n neewds n wants!!!! be calm n take him to a gynae...all the best...i surely understand what u r going thru!!

Lisa - posted on 04/08/2010

189

4

29

Thanks for your opinion Christina, yes the bills are getting paid except for our mortgage, we filed bankruptcy and we are letting our house go into foreclosure. But we have not been paying a"rent" or even saving for the future. And he is providing for the kids when they need something we get it



I am only 28 and we joke that I cant wait til I am in my thirties to get my sex drive back, I think a lot of the reason is I am not comfortable with my body.



Than you all for your suggestions

Christina - posted on 04/08/2010

4

16

0

Okay you may not like my opinion, but I am willing to give it since you asked :0) As far as the money goes I have two questions.

1. Are the bills getting paid?

2. Is he providing for your children?

If the bills are going unpaid and your children are going without food or clean diapers then I would be every bit as frustrated and upset about his spending habits. If he is providing in both areas and you made the decision to trust in him and stay at home then support him.

Now about the sex I am wondering if you have a medical condition that is altering your labido? You do not seem that old, so I do not understand why you would not want it multiple times a week? My husband and I have sex at least 2-3 times a week LOL What a wonderful thing that after a couple kids your husband still cannot keep his hands off of you :0) This is the way I feel.....your hubby is out there working all day, so why can't you clock in for 30 mins (or even less for a quicky) to pleasure him and enjoy yourself? Sex can be a huge stress reliever for many, so maybe that is why he feels the need to release so often. Spice things up!

Your situation with sex is the same issue my husband and I had before, although I was wanting it more often than he. The way I explained it to him is that I married him and he is the only one that can complete the task, so it is very selfish not to. Get some lube and enjoy your husband! Then get to the doctor and ask for help with your labido. :0)

Good luck :0)

Susan - posted on 04/08/2010

49

23

5

yepp im going through the same thing as well... ever since i had my daughter who is now 5 months old.... i have no sex drive at all..... and he wants it every night and sum times even twice a night... it makes me sick just thinking about it now, its a huge effort for me to give him sex at all... and as for money, im the one that likes to spend it but only on things that we need but he has to buy alcohol and smokes first and thats what gets me angry cause i dont drink or smoke... hope you can sort yours out :)

Lisa - posted on 04/08/2010

189

4

29

Ok so how do you make it not feel like a chore? The worst part of it is I am more in the "mood" in the middle of the afternoon. By the time night comes I am tired, not to mention I feel like I am wasting my time because most of the time I get nothing out of it.

I am over weight and I have no energy to exercise, but I know he loves me I just wish I could lose40- 50 pounds



As far as the money goes I pay all the bills, I know how much we need and what needs to go out that week. And I am such a tight wad, I hate spending money..

this is just a sticky situation, the more we fight the less i want to give in and have sex, its a viscous circle

[deleted account]

As far as the money goes, I'm LOST. My husband does the SAME CRAP! I hit him with a big passive agressive baseball bat each time he spends money I don't approve of. I'll say something like, 'Well, I was going to get another pack of diapers with that money, but it's ok... I'll just wrap the baby's butt in some dish cloths instead. You go ahead, you needed it more than the baby did."
This always causes a big screaming fit ending with the door slamming. Don't try it. It doesn't work for me.

As far as the sex goes... I have to laugh here... My husband and I had this fight for the first 15 years. Like you, I was just not interested in it! Then I turned 35. Somehow, the fickle finger of fate turned around on me... and now I am the one wanting it.. and he's the one with a headache! Very frustrating, isn't it! LOL

Krystal - posted on 04/08/2010

35

16

3

This is my opinion, see a financial advisor with your husband its really the only effective way to get thru to men and money issues.. Do you exercise regularly??? My sex drive increased with the amount of exercise I do... I like the doctor oz show and I get great great advice from there on like certain foods you eat can help boost your sex drive.. Check it out if you wish online http://www.doctoroz.com/ and just type whatever it is you want information on in the search engine on the home page there.. Hope this helps.

Brittany - posted on 04/08/2010

330

25

28

i have the same problem!!! my husband always tells me that since he works and makes the money then he should be able to spend it how he wants to. it is very frustrating...and it is not easy to deal with! we have a little deal that kind of works...i give in a little and do my best to give him sex as often as i can (at least 3 or 4 times a week) despite the fact that i dont want it, and in turn he spends less money. granted he still spends money (especially on lunch at work) but it is working for us.

so maybe you guys can try something like that...sit down and let him know that if he expects you to give a little...he has to be willing to compromise too. good luck!!!

Lisa - posted on 04/08/2010

189

4

29

I should also add that we have been together 11 years, married 4 months and have 2 boys 6 and 4 years old. The thing that is the worst is that these are our 2 fights but then we are so angry it goes into other aspects of our life, I am mad and I take it out on the boys, mostly just yelling or telling them to leave me alone.



I once commented on here about sex drive and I said if you do it more you want it more, that worked for maybe a week and now we are back to my zero sex drive. I jsut want to scream!!!

Niamh - posted on 04/08/2010

7

21

0

Hi lisa how are you today, bit better i hope! if i was you i would sit my hubby down and tell him how u feel, tell him u need to write a budget a week of wat u spend and wat u save, therefore some weeks u may hav a little extra cash lyin about were you could spend some quality time together, get a babysitter and head out! u need that quality time for a relationship to work and stand the test of time! and i know u wont want to hear this but i think mayb even when u dont have the sex drive to be intimate wit ur partner i think make the effort to have sex with your partner the more u hav it and enjoy it the more you will wan it! i hope everyting improves all the best.

niamh :)

Titania - posted on 04/08/2010

11

4

1

i really cant answer u cuz i am going through the same thing its just good to know that im not alne so thnk you

Jessica - posted on 04/08/2010

4

13

0

I know where your coming from!! My husband and I fight all the time, not about the same stuff thou. I'm tring really hard to work somthing out with my husband to where we talk more. I strongly believe if we could calmly talk out our issues we could figure out ways to solve them. I told him we should each take turns speaking our mind about everything that is bothering each other without the other one saying a word. Then laying out what could be done to fix the problem that would work for both of us. I'll tell you hun I wish our only problems were what you have. We have alot of past issues that just never seem to go away. My husband cheated on me so I have major trust issues and my husband is a clean freak and I have ADD the list goes on. But the main deal is if you both really want to stay together then you both have to realize that marriage is a team effort sacrifices have to be made and you both have to do stuff to make each other happy. Its and a give and take and finding a middle ground is very hard! With money I'd suggest coming up with a budget you both can agree on leaving aside what extra money you each after expenses each month then leaving him to decide when and where to spend it but never spending more then that amount. Then with sex thats hard to say but i know its not fair to your husband to be rejected while he has to understand not to expect to much. Talk to him and tell him what would put you in the mood and make you want it more or try new things set aside a date night every week even if its just a night at home. A few hours after the kids are in bed with out the phone on or any other distraction to focus on each other. So people are lucky to married to people where balance comes easy and just know how to make the other one happy but for others like us Its alot of work but it must be worth it if we choose to stay with that person. I also suggust reading The Five Love Languages It will help you both understand each other better!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms