Husband cleaned my best friend kitchen

Carmen - posted on 11/28/2012 ( 29 moms have responded )

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My husband has never liked cleaning, nor does he help out, unless i ask him. Even when I ask, 85 % of the time he tells me he will do it later and he never does or he doesn't have time. Never ever has he surprised me with helping out by catching up the laundry or cleaning the dishes in the sink. He just doesn't. I don't mind because he works his but off everyday and provides financial stability for the family, which I am grateful for. Yesterday, however, he stopped at my girlfriends house, while she was at work and my husband and a buddy of his cleaned her house. I feel betrayed and hurt. She was so surprised and so happy. My husband said that he did it to show his appreciation for her because she has helped us out before. We help each other out all the time. Never in the three years that we have been married have I ever come home to him having cleaned the house. I have been telling him for years that the sexiest thing he could do was to help out with the cleaning without me having to ask for help. He take time out of his busy day to help clean my friends house because she works hard all day and he thought it would be a nice break for her, but can't be bothered to do it for me. I guess since I am not out making money and working hard, I am not worthy of such a wonderful surprise.

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Jessica - posted on 12/16/2012

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he probably did it because another guy asked him and men like to look like heroes, especially to people other then their spouses.

Fit2BMe - posted on 11/29/2012

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I don't agree with Reality's response, as it seems judgemental and hurtful, with no attempt at helping or responding in a beneficial way. I think we all have those moments of jumping the gun, however, and saying things that just aren't kind though, so lets just move on from that unfortunate moment.



A couple questions:



Is your best friend a single mom?

Is the friend who did this with your husband connected to that mom in any way?

Have you tried telling your husband, calmly and sensitively, how this makes you feel vulnerable and why, acknowledging his effort to be kind at the same time?

Did your husband let you know in advance or during or right after that he was doing this, or did you find out another way?

Is this the type of thing your husband would normally do for someone else? (Maybe not cleaning, but expressing gratitude etc.)

Are your feelings of vulnerability and betrayal born out of a fear that he has feelings for her, or more out of feeling you could use his support more, or a mixture of both?

If you fear there are feelings there, has there been anything else to suggest that, and have you calmly and sensitively asked him about that, sharing your feelings?

If you feel you need more support at home, have you tried asking him how you two can work out a plan that is realistic for both of you?

Is there a possibility that your husband is seeking more validation, expressions of appreciation and accolades and feels doing things for other people will meet that need?



Your feelings are your feelings. They're real, and not to be discounted. Not are his. In any situation in any healthy relationship, the best thing is to stay calm and "soft", express yourself with all your vulnerability, and genuinely listen to his reply. Keep it calm, even if emotional, and seek understanding first.



All the best.

Renee - posted on 12/26/2012

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My H cheated on me. When trust is lost, it is hard, if not impossible to get back. Divorcing, lived in hell for years. Don't tip your hand, look for clues, check his phone, have an exit plan. I wasn't working at the time of our seperation(it was tragic). Eventually ended up in a Shelter with DD. Start putting money aside, DO NOT let him know. This may be just the beginning. I hope it's not for your sake. The pain of seperation is excruciatingly painful (I still cry every day for the loss of my family)
BIG HUGS.
Renee

Fit2BMe - posted on 11/29/2012

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I don't agree with Reality's response, as it seems judgemental and hurtful, with no attempt at helping or responding in a beneficial way. I think we all have those moments of jumping the gun, however, and saying things that just aren't kind though, so lets just move on from that unfortunate moment.



A couple questions:



Is your best friend a single mom?

Is the friend who did this with your husband connected to that mom in any way?

Have you tried telling your husband, calmly and sensitively, how this makes you feel vulnerable and why, acknowledging his effort to be kind at the same time?

Did your husband let you know in advance or during or right after that he was doing this, or did you find out another way?

Is this the type of thing your husband would normally do for someone else? (Maybe not cleaning, but expressing gratitude etc.)

Are your feelings of vulnerability and betrayal born out of a fear that he has feelings for her, or more out of feeling you could use his support more, or a mixture of both?

If you fear there are feelings there, has there been anything else to suggest that, and have you calmly and sensitively asked him about that, sharing your feelings?

If you feel you need more support at home, have you tried asking him how you two can work out a plan that is realistic for both of you?

Is there a possibility that your husband is seeking more validation, expressions of appreciation and accolades and feels doing things for other people will meet that need?



Your feelings are your feelings. They're real, and not to be discounted. Not are his. In any situation in any healthy relationship, the best thing is to stay calm and "soft", express yourself with all your vulnerability, and genuinely listen to his reply. Keep it calm, even if emotional, and seek understanding first.



All the best.

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29 Comments

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Patricia Ann - posted on 01/11/2013

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I personally would think its on the weird side because hes never done that for you. yeah its a nice thing to do for someone yes But,is this buddy of your husbands,her boyfreind or husband,if so then it would take the weird out of it. then maybe if that were the case I would say now you guys can surprise me sometime ....showing gradittude,is a nice thing,but I think,it should go both ways,and it should be done for aswell...so did he come and tell you this?I would prefer my man help in his own house ,before another womans house,it would bother me,depends on how this went down,if its with her man then i guess its alright,but any other way it would bother me and i would talk to him about it.

Nicole - posted on 01/05/2013

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I feel ya. Minus the fact I don't have any friends and my husband doesn't help anyone but himself. I mean he is a great daddy and works and has sacrificed a ton load for us his family! However I agree with the last statement you left "I guess since I'm not out making money and working hard, I am not worthy....

Krystal - posted on 01/05/2013

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Wow your a bitch theres a reality check. Everyone gets nervous. It's normal. I get nervous of my boyfriend if he watches A movie another girl has spoke about. Because he doesn't ever care about mine but I watch cheesy horror lol. You know what America. If I were you I'd put a eye spy on my computer. See what he's up to. Where his intentions are. And give him the same treatment. Tell him you cleaned his friends house as a surprise and we'll see how he takes it.

Ann - posted on 12/21/2012

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Are you serious? And why in the world would you call her selfish?

Her friend hasn't done that much for them to ever earn another woman's husband taking a paid day off from work; a husband that has enlisted the help of his friend to clean her home for her.

Does this elicit concern in you? suspicion? This is not generosity in action, because you have to ask yourself...when was he at her home to know that her home needed cleaning? How could he know that this VERY EXTREMELY PERSONAL act would be appreciated?

What do you do? You called a woman that works just as hard "selfish".

Where did you get the guts to say, "no wonder he likes her more"? You have been aggressive, insulting, insensitive, and should apologize to her, as soon as possible.

Nicole - posted on 12/15/2012

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You are worthy of such a surprise. Don't tell yourself that you aren't.

This sounds fishy to me. I know that if I was at work I wouldn't want two men in my house, cleaning my personal space without me there. You need to be on your guard because this is how affairs usually start. But, you can't jump to conclusions, either.

You need to get to the bottom of it. If you truly don't suspect anything going on, why don't you sit your husband down and explain calmly how you feel and how he cleaning the woman's house made you feel unappreciated.

Cicely - posted on 12/10/2012

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Um Sweetie Being A Mom Is A Hard Job,We Dnt Get Paid,Dnt Get Days Off, No SickDays & So On, he needs to wake up nd learn to appriciate you nd what you do!! Dnt Ever Say Your Worthless,not being mean and just giving my opinion id b careful,no man would clean another girls house unless hes hitting it, he dnt help clean his own house, very disrespectful on his part, but I could b wrong like I said my opinion!!

Patricia - posted on 12/03/2012

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Well all I have to go on is this posting, but this doesn't sound right. You have every right to be upset.



Now I would really suspect my Husband was up to no good if he did something like this because in the 23 years we have been together he has never cleaned unless I was so dog sick and even then he has never scrubbed a toilet.



I would have a candid conversation about this. Let him know how this looks to you and how it makes you feel.

Keema - posted on 12/03/2012

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That's bull. I would have questions. You should talk to him because YOU ARE MARRIED TO HIM no one else. I have been married for 4 years and we always help each other out. If I run out somewhere my husband will do things to show me his appreciation. There is no question that makes this okay. No married man should do something for another woman if he isn't doing it at home. I am a stay at home mom two 3 boys 2 are twins and I do schooling and I just can't get it all done all at once. If I have homework and the boys are being worsum he will cook dinner and allow me to do my homework. A marriage is a team effort to better each other and it sounds like he doesnt respect you!!!! You need to sit him down and let him know how you feel. If he want listen put a letter in his lunch box. Do whatever you have to to let him understand this is not ok and he needs to take care of home before he takes care of someone else home

Sara - posted on 12/02/2012

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Ladies I apologize I was responding to Carmen's issue

When I ran across what reality exclaims wow your really

Selfish." So I reacted short to her response because I really

Feel for Carmen and her situation I meant to defend her

Since its misconstrued And redirected to some thing else

I hope to clear the air I wish not to offend future readers

Thank you,sincerely ...

Cass - posted on 12/02/2012

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Ouch. That sucks, even I'm hurt by that and I don't know either of you. I'd feel betrayed and disrespected, without a doubt. You need to have a genuine honest discussion with your husband, if not then this pain is going nowhere except bottled up inside, and trust will never be fully complete with you guys ever again. Find out if he even cares that you're hurt. Now that this happened, I'm sure your alarmed and will be able to pick up on the slightest suspicious behavior from him or your friend. If your husband just deny's your feelings and accuses you of being paranoid or something along those lines, then you have a real issue. If he really is sorry, then he needs to prove it and make it up to you, and not with sex. And was his buddy really there with him or is that a cover story. Hopefully your husband is an honest man, or this could get painful. So sorry you're in that kind of position right now

Nancy - posted on 12/02/2012

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With no other information to go on other than the op, and without knowing your relationship or his relationship to this other person, for instance how often you see her, what your husband has been like around her in the past etc. I have to say I also agree that it sounds fishy if it's totally out of character for your husband to do something like this. Sorry, not exactly the most neutral response but personally I'd want to know if something was up rather than not know. It seems like a relationship to keep an eye on at the very least.

Fit2BMe - posted on 11/30/2012

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Ok ladies, lets keep it supportive here.

If someone is inappropriate, just "report" and move on.

My assumption is that people say "mean" or awful things when they are battling their own demons and feeling terrible. Attacking even those people (like reality) only further exasperates the problem. We ALL need kindness and support, even if we don't all give it.



Reality, whatever has you acting this way, I am sorry for it and hope you are feeling better soon.



For the rest of us, lets just focus on the original poster and hoping she is alright.

America3437 - posted on 11/30/2012

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I don't know who you are reality but you suck

Your self centered and you sound like a teen......



How does that matter? Either way she needs help and you were not very nice so to you I say....

Mean people suck...lol

Sara - posted on 11/30/2012

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I don't know who you are reality but you suck

Your self centered and you sound like a teen.

This friend your husband helped out how

Did he get in her house if she was at work and

It was a surprise ,that's fishy I'm not sure I'd want

Her help.

I really hope every thing gets cleared up soon.

He should be treating you like a princess like

You deserve .

America3437 - posted on 11/30/2012

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Just want to save women from that heartbreak if I can so always ask questions.

Fit2BMe - posted on 11/29/2012

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So sorry to hear that, America. What a painful experience to go through.

I can certainly understand your encouraging women to be on guard.

America3437 - posted on 11/29/2012

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I have been the wife who just takes it as a kind jesture and it turned out to be an affair so I would still advise to be very cautious of this friend and maybe the buddy was there to join in..... just don't want ya to be surprised if it turns out to be more than it seems. That is why we ask questions.

Fit2BMe - posted on 11/29/2012

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I would warn against jumping to conclusions, however. We women can be especially good at that, given that being a wife and mother can leave us feeling vulnerable. Especially with all the horror stories we hear and how common self-esteem problems can be. Jumping into accusations can be really hurtful, and may put your husband on the defensive. There is almost always more to the story, our minds can easily spin it either way.



I will say, better your husband went with a friend than to go alone.

America3437 - posted on 11/29/2012

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I would be just as concerned as you and would deffiently be just as upset! You should be very suspicious of him and this friend because no man cleans house to just help out a friend. There is more to it then that and I would be asking some serious questions myself...

1.) Why is her home more important to him then yours? Do you not deserve a clean house as well?

2.) How many times has he just stopped by to help her out?

3.) Why did a buddy need to help him? If it was to help her out because she does so much to help you out then shouldn't you have been helping insted of this buddy?

4.) how close is this friend to youe husband?

5.) Is she really your friend or just putting on an act to get your man?



I hope he was being honest and just did it to help out. I would deffiently be getting to the bottom of this!

Karima - posted on 11/28/2012

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Carmen I know how disappointed you are feeling right now. But this has nothing to do with your worthness. Look at it from another direction. Maybe this friend of yours has helped you alot and your husband wants her to continue doing so. Why not suggest that he brings his buddy to clean your house? Most men dislike cleaning. When I had our first child guess who cleaned my house? My mother in law :))

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