Husband gets upset when things aren't done

Nichole - posted on 05/19/2010 ( 186 moms have responded )

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I have a 7 1/2 month old and am having trouble getting things done around the house. I feel really bad about it but my husband gets upset and doesn't understand that it is hard to do everything and take care of her. Its like he doesn't think I need me time and thats the way it would be if all I did was clean this house. I just need some advice and is anyone else going through this???

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Sam - posted on 05/19/2010

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I left my husband home with my daughter all day (I usually only get away long enough to get some groceries) ... I went to a spa for my Mother's Day Present ... I left him a time table of everything that needed to be done for her (I didn't do any of the prep I'd usually do to make things easier for him while I'm gone), as well as a list of all the chores he should do along the way (and a list of the ones he'd like me to get to in a day that never seem to get done) ... he has a much better understanding now! When I came home, NONE of the cleaning had been done at all and he was completely exhausted (it looked like a tornado swept through), but my daughter had a great time with Daddy. Sometimes it takes a little time in a person's shoes to understand what a person has to deal with all day. When it comes down to it, caring for our children is what's really important. If your kids are cared for, that is what's important. If you figure out a way to get it all done ... I'd love to hear it!

Elina - posted on 05/19/2010

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is your hubby a bathroom-reader?
this is what i do whenever there's a message i'm trying to send him that he's just not getting: i find a piece of writing that supports my point, highlight it, get rid of all the other reading material in the bathroom, and leave just that book open to that page within arm's reach of the toilet. it works. sometimes they just need it from an 'official' source (like a book).
pretty much every pregnancy/baby book i've ever read has at least a page where they stress the importance of having your own time/napping when baby naps/mommy-brain makes you a little more stupid and a little less efficient/how much more likely you are to have a full-on breakdown if you gogogo all the time. maybe he doesn't understand that most new mommy's go through this.
also: i know it's hard to believe right now, but it gets easier, i promise! as little as a year from now some of the stuff that takes so long won't; your little one might even be able to help you with really simple tasks (like putting arms through sleeves. that made a huge difference)
so if the book thing doesn't work, maybe you can explain to your hubby that it's not always going to be like that?

hope this helps.

Alisha - posted on 05/19/2010

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I went through that when I had my first baby... that first 6-9 months can be difficult. I found that if I put my child in the pack n play with some toys where she was confined but could still see me, I could get a lot of the housework done and then when she was napping I was able to have some "me time" it takes a while to get it all sorted out, but things do get eaiser. Take care

Allison - posted on 03/18/2012

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I am in the exact same situation, only I have 3 kids. ages 7, 5 and 18 months. I do so much all day trying to keep up and trying to give the kids attention and allowing them to be kids, rather than keeping them strapped to my side. Every time I get something cleaned, like the floor, it just seems to all get undone right behind me. I don't have ANY help in the house. Except for when my husband is mad and trying to "show me how it's done because I can't do it, and he's the only one who will". He never sees the things I do get done, only what is not done. He doesn't understand that the house being a mess doesn't just stress him, out it stresses me out too, and then him nagging at me about it adds more stress. If you're nursing like I was (still trying to wean) they don't seem to understand that you don't have ALL DAY you have to stop several times to put a boob in the baby's mouth and it's hard to do anything with just one hand, especially when baby gets bigger. I used to be in a MOPS groups, that I absolutely loved and kept me sane, when I finally had grown up time and other moms to talk to. I had to quit that a couple months before the baby was born because he didn't think I deserved to go, and my time could be better spent cleaning. He also didn't like coming home from work and not getting to see the kids. The last time I mentioned going he said, if you want to go, then go but don't bother coming back home. Needless to say, I spent the night, angry and crying. My tactic in dealing with the situation is just to clean up every mess no matter how small as soon as it happens, and do laundry every single day, also no matter how small the load, that way it doesn't pile up. I keep things as clean as possible and stay on top of my children about putting their things up immediately. and waiting for the day when my husband realises how unreasonable, selfish and insultingly rude he was to me and apologizes......still waiting....and praying. I'll pray for you too.

Jennifer - posted on 05/19/2010

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Try to sit down when you both are calm, and explain things to him. Tell him everything you do in the day, and also explain to him that while he gets to leave his work after 8, 10 or however many hrs, he is done for the day. That is not the case for you. As soon as you are up in the morning, and until the baby goes to bed, you are caring for her, and teaching her that you will always be there for her. Along with that, you clean the house, and cook the meals, and still find time to be a loving wife. Long after he is home from work (and possibly sitting in front of a tv or computer), you are still on your feet cooking his supper, and cleaning up afterwards. Tell him, you know he works hard also, and you never question the amount of work he does, so maybe he should sit back and admire you for the amount of work you do. You don't get weekends, holidays, or even sick leave. Your work is 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, and if you need a few minutes to sit and relax or to get away, then you deserve it. Tell him you know he likes having a clean house, and you enjoy it to, but sometimes, there just isn't enough time for it all, but if he were willing to dry the dishes while you wash them, or put the clothes away after you have folded them, then it would help a lot and you would really appreciate it.

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Wendy - posted on 12/17/2010

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I have to empathize with the hubby on this one. Especially if you are a SAHM. I look at it this way - you each have duties and roles in your family and if he is the provider then that means he goes out and does his job every day. I'm sure he doesn't have much (if any) "me" time while he is doing his daily grind. He's dealing with the same thing everyone else in the working world deals with - pressure, bosses, deadlines, quotas, traffic, threats of being laid off...etc. If he doesn't do all of the tasks he is expected to do at work then that would cause major repercussions with you and on the homefront in general. He may get passed up for a promo or a raise or he may lose his job. If he is responsible and devoted to his family enough to work hard and do the best he can do at his profession, it is only fair that you do the same as a SAHM. If you went to visit him at work and he was taking "me" time or saying things like "I'm not doing it because I'm tired of doing the same thing every day", you would start to see him as irresponsible and apathetic, wouldn't you?

There is nothing more tiring or “degrading” about doing housework as there is in working at an office, construction site, sales floor or whatever. I believe that as a SAHM my husband has the RIGHT to expect things to be done while he is working (twice as hard as I ever have) outside of the home. We discussed what we need from each other early on and it has worked great for us. I know I can count on him doing the best job possible to maintain lucrative and stable employment because of his devotion to his wife and kids. Likewise, he knows that his laundry will be done because he is a crucial part of the WHOLE FAMILY and my job is to take care of the entire household (as is his). For SAHM’s to make a man do his own laundry or cook his own meals just out of spite to “show him all that you do” is being vindictive and it will only compound the frustration you are both feeling. I’m guessing he doesn’t drag you to his work and put a hammer in your hand to show you all that he does to fulfill his role, does he?

If a man is a good provider, husband and father and is gone for 8, 9, 10, 12 or however many hours a day , why should he come home and be expected to “hold his own” on the homefront? His day of work should be done as should yours. Then you have the evening to do things together as a family and if he wants to help clean up after dinner, then he can clean up. Otherwise, he should be secure in knowing that you will get to it the next day if it doesn’t get done that night. Why? Because he is going to get up and go to work tomorrow as well. By doing this he sets an example for his family. I believe it should be followed and that he has every right to question what you have been doing all day and why things are not done in that situation.

I’m not saying married/child rearing life is all about shared drudgery. Quite the contrary! Personally, I love taking care of my kids, my home AND my husband’s needs. It is the least I can do for all he does for us.

Starr - posted on 12/16/2010

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Hi, I have been in your stop. I'll tell you want I've done. It may or may not help but, it did work for me. My husband to be would come home say "your home all day and couldn't clean this or that right." All pissy!! So one day I just didn't do a thing around the house.(for about a week) Yes, I made shure my daughter was clean, feed and ect. So when it came to him trying to find clean cloths & work cloths to wear he had none. And toys where all over the house he had to step over. I told him see this is me not get things done around the house. That his cloths, dinner, clean cup and so on just don't get that way by theirself. And I wouldn't kill him to help just a little.

Licia - posted on 12/16/2010

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Switch places with him for the day. Im sure he will figure it out for himself why things don't get done!

Cindi - posted on 12/16/2010

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I went though this too and sometimes still do. My youngest is 4. Don't feel guilty that just leads to more not wanting to get things done. Just remember, are your kids going to look back and remember how clean the house was or whether you were there for them.

Lydia - posted on 12/14/2010

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that's a tough age around 8 months... they start gettin mobile and want you all the time around.. my daughter is now also 8 months and it's harder now than it used to be to get things done... she wants to explore, but can't do it on her own (which I am grateful for!) but that means she'll sit in front of the tupperware cabinet for 10 minutes to play only to discover something else in the other corner and wants me to walk her around... I can't even get dishes done in one run (I'll get maybe half way if it's a good day and than have to finish it later) I have one rule and that's no chores during naptime because that's my me time. so sometimes the house is very dirty and messy, but my husband is happy as long as his laundry is done... so I always try to keep up with it. He is very appreciating when the house is really clean.
I suggest what the other ladies already said: let him take care of the baby for one day or maybe half a day and lave a list with a few simple chores he should do in that time. He will learn to appreciate what you're doing. Also this might open a good conversation on things he could be helpful with that would reduce your load of work: not leaving his dirty socks on the floor, coffee cups all around the house etc stuff like this. I had this talk with my hubby and I told him, that sometimes I have maybe 10-15 minutes to get something done. If the table is full with HIS magazines and dirty cups, the time goes for putting HIS things away, but I don't get to wipe the table because our daughter will want something... so if he does his part of not leaving his stuff out. I actually can use the 10 minutes to clean the whole living room from dust. Makes sense? well as good as it sounds, it works only sometimes... i guess the bad old habit is so hard to break.

Stifler's - posted on 12/13/2010

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my husband doesn't care about the house. he still thinks i do nothing all day though. LOL @ him. i probably do way less than i should. but i'm too lazy.

Korrie - posted on 12/13/2010

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my boyfriend is the same, he works and comes home and askes what have i done today. he doesnt like me to go and do anything without him also he feels he can do what he likes because he works. my children are 10, 2, and 10 months old. he also can buy what ever he likes and all my spendings goto the kids and the house. so I really do know how it feels and im at the stage of asking is he worh it.

Sindi - posted on 06/02/2010

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I went through this. I go through phases of being burned out on cleaning. And then I get back into the groove of it again. I figured out that my husband was ok with most things slacking as long as I keep up on HIS laundry. As long as he doesn't have to hunt for his clothes, he is happy.

Wendy - posted on 05/31/2010

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Maybe it would be a good idea for him to spend an entire day with the baby at home without you there to help and experience how hard it really is.A lot of women go through what you're going through.I have a six yr. old girl and a 2 yr. old boy.I'm at home with them all the time.When i'm cleaning my 2 yr. old follows right behind me and messes it up again.their father didnt understand either until he spent a day taking care of our son without me there to help.They need to understand that being a mother is a full 24/7 job and we dont get the luxury of clocking out at the end of our shift, because it doesnt end

Aeshlyn - posted on 05/31/2010

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I found that I had something to do on a Saturday.... left home before my DS was awake and left the two of them at home with a list of jobs... came home around 2pm to an apreciative husband :)

Maritza - posted on 05/31/2010

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He needs to know what your really doing, Sometimes my husband will asked me at 10 at nihgt why are you so tired, youve been doing nothing all day. Untill one afternoon he had to look after them and drive them around, needless to say we had take aways that night and hubby has got new respect for me. Most of the time they just don't understand what we really do in a day. Give him a chance to do it.

Dena - posted on 05/30/2010

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Mine use to do that to so one day just for kicks i type out my two weeks notices (he he he ) i even have a picket sign that i tell him one day he going to come home and i will be walking up and down the side walk (he he )

Kathryn - posted on 05/30/2010

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absolutely... and im still going through it!!!
my daughter is now 2 1/2, and has real attachment issues. so bad, in fact, that im not allowed to be in a seperate room. this makes housework extremely hard.
when she was younger, she was happy to either be in a bouncer in the same room as me while i cleaned, or in her "jolly jumper" in the doorway, so that she could still see me. she even settled for sitting in her highchair playing with some washing up bubbles. but since she outgrew them (by about 1 year old), she thrived on being involved with the cleaning. she loves to vaccuum the carpets while mummy does the dishes. but she still wont put away her own toys!! haha.
hope this helps a little.

Natasha - posted on 05/30/2010

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Tell him you both have jobs and he'll have to pitch in if he wants things done.. Maybe that sounds kind of harsh but too many times parenting is taken for granted. You have a job just like him except yours never ends..

Laura - posted on 05/30/2010

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I have a 1 yr old and a 9 yr old. My 9yr old has aspergers. I had the same problem, in fact i am still playing catch up. My husband didn't think i did anything because when he got home it looked the same as when he left. So what i did was for a week i wrote down everything i did in a book. I wrote what the job was, when i started, if i got interrupted encluding duration of interruption (phone call, feeding baby that sort of thing.) and what time i finished the job. I did this with even the smallest job. At the end of the week i gave it to him. He rarely picks on me now. It turned out it was beneficial to me too. I learnt from it how to better organise my time. Still i don't always get everything done.

[deleted account]

How about you leave him with bub for, oh, let's say, ONE day and see how much he can get done??? It's not easy, at all.

Rebecca - posted on 05/29/2010

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Yes, my husband is like that too. We have 3 children, 1 at school, & 2 at home. I also work part time. Really struggle to keep a tidy house at times. My husband, won't help as he goes to work all day, & doesn't think he should have to help tidy up after the kids at the end of the day.
When I do manage to keep it tidy, do baking for his lunches etc, I never get thanks.
It sounds like you need to get away with some girl friends for a girls weekend. Thats if you're not breast feeding. Make him spend time with your child without you around, & make him realise how hard it is at times to get other things done. He may appreciate you more when you get back.
Good luck.

Tatiana - posted on 05/29/2010

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The enormity of taking care of a child and a home is something I don't think anyone understands until they have to do it. My husband also seemed surprised that days could go by without me getting to the vacuuming or dishes. Even now, with my son 3 years old, while easier, there are just some days nothing else gets done. Being able to stay home with your child at this age is a gift, and to not make spending time with that child a priority will be something you will regret. I'm not suggesting that allowing your home to become a health hazard is acceptable, but there are many times where I think I'm going to spend the day cleaning, but suddenly my son comes to me with his ball, glove and bat and wants to play...guess what I'm going to choose!
As for your husband, you can try to explain this to him, but honestly, unless he has a chance to experience it first hand, he will probably not understand. My husband recently spent the weekend alone with our son while I was away and is a LOT more understanding now! He even volunteers to take him out on the weekends to give me some ME time!
Good luck to you, and know that it does get better!

Monique - posted on 05/29/2010

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Let him know that you need to sit and talk to him about this matter and if he does not get it then then maybe he needs a wake up call so he can appreciate all that you do but first you do need to Pray on this matter and ask God what to do and Pray for your hubby it took me leaving for a few weeks for mine to get it and with lots of prayer it will all work out ..............

MONIQUE

Janet - posted on 05/29/2010

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i went through the same thing so tell him to suck it up and if he does like how the house is he can clean it himself or he can take care of the little girl while u clean the house and take your time, and u deserve me time whenever u can get it.

Heather - posted on 05/29/2010

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I think everyone goes through it. I have 3 children - ages 2, 4 and 6. It is amazing if I can keep up with them, let alone keep the house clean. I feel like I am in maintenance mode all the time - just picking up after them. I hardly ever get to do a deep clean - wash floors, dust, etc - since they are a handful.

90% of the fights my husband and I have are over division of labor around the house. When he is home, I expect him to help too since the kids are attached to me 24/7. He expects me to "get it done" while he is at work.

He was a stay at home dad for the first year and he did nothing - we even had a cleaning lady at the time - and he still has yet to do a load of the kids laundry (he will fold in front of the tv) either.

Hang in there!

[deleted account]

Hi!
My daughter is 8 1/2 months old, and going from working full time and only married a few months before i fell pregnant... to a stay at home mum, was a huge adjustment for me. I LOVE it, but it can get hard to keep on top of things at first, but dont worry, eventually you will work out what works best for you. The first 5 months I found it quite challenging to really keep the house great, have dinner on the table on time, AND keep a baby happy... but it really does get easier. im still going "oh wow this could work!" figuring it all out haha... but the trick? PRIORITISE.Its hard if your hubby doesnt understand, but you need to get sorted out for your own sanity, not just for him.
Try to understand, he gets home from work and just wants to put up his feet and relax, and if the house is a shambles and the baby is screaming he probably doesnt feel like his home is the sanctuary it used to be. Work is something he wants to forget when he gets back and a man loves nothing more than to come home to a nice clean house, a happy baby and a happy wife... but we all know, this doesnt just happen... we have to work with lifes new challenges to bring back the peace and the order. Dont get down on yourself. If your husband is a reasonable man you should be able to sit down with him one evening when he is in a good mood and just be honest. not angry and argumentative. dont be defensive like "look, im busy all day with baby blah blah pity pity" that will NOT set you on the right track with him. just be honest, but kind. Just explain to him, "ive noticed your unhappy with the way the house has been lately and i just want to let you know it wont always be like this. ive found having our child to be one of the greatest challenges ever and I want the house nice just as much as you do but ive decided to put her needs first, and at this stage in her life she is VERY demanding. please know im not being lazy, its just a huge adjustment for the both of us and im learning as i go so if you could be patient with me id really love that. Maybe we can work it out together." obviously youll word it however you like, but its an example. youll be amazed at how just talking it out can help. because sometimes its just a wrong mindset. he might think youve just thought, well i have a baby now the house doesnt matter... or something like that, he may not realise how bad you feel. but your husbands displeasure aside, do it for yourself :-)
ive found, the ONLY way to make it work has been to be more organised. Go to bed at a decent hour and get up at a decent hour. work out your babys daytime sleeps and do things while she sleeps. For example, if she sleeps one hour around mid morning, and two hours after lunch, you could use the one hour for "me-time" this can be sleeping if your exhausted, reading, painting your toes, calling friends, whatever. you wont be interrupted while bub is out to it. then the longer sleep you can use to clean clean clean clean clean! (obviously leave vaccuming for when bub is awake haha). then when bub is awake she or he has MOST of your attention. I know with babies it doesnt always work out, and there will still be days where you wont get much done, but it will definately be alot better. Another trick is, do the basics first. One rule i have is:
All beds made, all dishes done, at least one load of washing on the line and a general tidy up. every day. if these things get done, the house still looks acceptable. stuff like mopping, bathroom scrubbing etc etc is second priority (unless its really time! lol) one easy way to make the house feel more organised before hubby gets home is to have everything in the rooms they belong in. so baby bag, excess toys, bibs etc, pick it all up and put it all in bubs room. random jackets, shoes, books etc, put them back in your room where they belong. even if you have a small basket in each room that you chuck things in, then when bub is asleep put it where its meant to be. if everything is in the room its meant to be in, the main living area wont look like a garage sale lol. also, if your baby is like mine and loves billions of toys all over the playroom or loungeroom... just before hubby gets home from work, put it all away and put her in her walker, or jolly jumper, or play gym, or put her on a blanket with just a few toys. instant clean, and once he is home you can pull out some more toys, but he has come home to a neat and tidy house. I also put dinner on so that when he is back, its either halfway thru or almost ready to serve. even if you have to set up the dinner table just after lunch! haha... its not going to do any harm, and if you get behind it looks like your still prepared! these arent ways to "trick" your husband into thinking youve been busy,.... because the truth is WE ARE VERY BUSY ALL DAY! but it just means the house is nice when he gets home. I personally get up an hour before baby is due to wake up in the morning (and that is EARLY!) to spend an hour of peace and quiet on my own, and get my head straight for the rest of the day. uninterrupted breakfast etc) it really sets the tone for the day. your relaxed and ready to go.
another thing you should try, is, on a sunday or sunday night, sit down when bub has gone to bed, write down everything you need to do that week. all major chores, outdoor stuff included if you do gardening, shopping etc etc. then prioritise. what MUST be done this week. what really needs attention this week, and what youd like to do this week but its no biggie if it doesnt get done. then, plan your week accordingly. mon, tues, wed etc. write it down and tick it off as you go. dont put too much in one day. always counter for your gorgeous little time consuming baby. Plus if you under-task yourself and have spare time left (wouldnt that be amazing! haha) then you can do one or two things from the next days list or even better, spend some extra play time with your little one with no pressure thinking "aah i have to do this and this and this!"
Honestly, this works.
self discipline and prioritising really really works.
and i was the most disorganised, carefree, anti-list making person in the world before baby came along! Its changed my life for the better, and you should see this as an opportunity to rise up and shine! Prove to yourself and your husband that you CAN do it! We only have one child. just think to yourself, what about those ladies with 5 kids who still manage to look lovely, keep the house presentable, take ther kids to dance and soccer practice and not be insane! there secret is self discipline, being organised, prioritising and a positive attitude. i promise you. and dont forget to always ask for help if you need it! im sure theres an aunt, mum, nanna, friend or someone who wouldnt mind occasionally coming over and helping out. dont be prideful and make sure you say YES to anyone who offers :-)
hope this helps!

Outi - posted on 05/29/2010

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next time when he has a day off, leave him alone with the child for the entire day. i mean leave before the baby wakes up and come home after hes gone to bed. After spending an entire da with him by himself I'm sure he'll have a better perspective on what you do every day ( also make sure the house isnt sparkly clean when you leave so theres things for him to do, just like what you would do ever day)

Courtney - posted on 05/29/2010

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I'm a SAHM of 4 children (6, 4 ,2 ,and almost 9 mos). I've learned that it's easiest to take one day (a day when he's home from work will work best) and get caught up on everything, laundry, dishes, vacuuming, etc. Maintaining a clean house is easier than trying to clean it every day. My husband and I have talked (because he can be like this sometimes) and I've told him that I get up between 5 and 6 am to take care of our youngest and start my day. I clean his house and make his dinner and do his laundry (and everyone elses) and he has no room to complain when he gets to sleep till 9 am or later, doesn't get up in the middle of the night with the babies or spend the day entertaining four small children. He has his responsibilities around the house too, he takes out the trash and recycling, mops the floors and takes care of the yard work, after all it is his house too! I'd leave the house alone for a few days, don't do any of the things he expects of you and show him exactly what you do get done everyday. Congrats on your baby and good luck. May the God of your choosing bless and keep you!

Sarah - posted on 05/28/2010

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With my first, I exhausted myself doing it all. I saw it as part and parcel of being a wife and mother. Then when I had my second daughter, I lasted about 4 weeks before crashing into a tired, weeping heap of depression. When I got honest with him, and we really started talking about it, he realised that I needed help, and I realised that I had to ask for it. My advice? Really, truly, talk to each other about this - he's not a mind reader, and you aren't a superhero.

Annie - posted on 05/28/2010

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ey i'm also through this but i'm doing some changes, first i diceded to wake me up earlier after my bby in order to get things ready it helps me a lot 'cause then when my bby wake up i'm not too worry about cleaning the house of couse then i need too spend more time doing those things but is nott too much as before then when my bby is napping i usually do the same.
relax if you really want to be happy u need to sacrifice some things.

Karen - posted on 05/28/2010

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I'm sorry you are going through this. It is so hard to take care of a little one and keep the house perfect. My husband never did this to me...he knows I would go crazy!!! Don't let him do that to you. You are partners...not some subserviant wife. Stand your ground. My husband and I are married almost 21 years.

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I know this may not be what you necessarily want to do, but this is what I had to do.
At first, I wouldn't do anything around the house! Yes he would get upset, but it was my way of showing him that the world didn't revolve around him. He wanted dinner ready when he got home from work at 6pm. I, one night, didn't get him dinner until almost 9pm. Again, he was pissed, but he had to deal with it.

Then another day when he got home I laid down and pretended to go to sleep. If he called me, I ignored him. Trust me it was hard to just lay there and hear my daughter crying. But it helped. He had to then take care of our daughter all on his own. Feeding, bathing, putting her to bed, everything. It was great to hear him say "Baby, can you help me?" "Baby I can't do this by myself." He finally realized that it wasn't so easy and he relaxed with all the pressure.
Oddly now, I have the time to do all the things around the house. Being as that he is putting a lot less pressure on me, I am less stressed which makes everything a lot easier. I also put my daughter on a schedule. With this schedule, she sleeps everyday at the same time, so I know when and how I am going to work everything else around her schedule. It wasn't easy but it worked out. GOOD LUCK!

Alicia - posted on 05/28/2010

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PS - The problem is not you and how much you're not getting done. It's him and his attitude/expectations.

Alicia - posted on 05/28/2010

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My husband and I sat down and had a conversation when I was eight months pregnant about the expectations and boundaries when I'm a SAHM. He told me that I had to clean the house spotless daily. I laughed in his face. The "M" in SAHM stands for MOM not MAID! The house is my "job" and I don't follow him to work and start telling him what to do so he better not follow me around my work and tell me what to do. He agreed. I pointed out that his job was only 40 hours a week and my job was 24/7. He gets his full night's rest (he sleeps days) and I'm running on 4 hours of sleep and caffeine. i pointed out how easy he has versus the constant challenges of being a SAHM, so he better think long and hard before he even THINKS about complaining to me. I don't feel bad if the house is a mess. It means a family with a child lives there. I also keep my to-do list that is in addition to the daily grind in plain sight so he knows what I'm up against! Your husband needs a reality check and to respect you and your space. Have the conversation you should have had before the baby was born and create boundaries and discuss what realistic expectations are and give him a glimpse in your day. You're there for your child. If he wants to play peek-a-boo for an hour, that is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than doing the dishes.

Erin - posted on 05/28/2010

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I can relate to this and I still struggle with getting enough done to please my husband. It does get easier as the kids get older. I say do the stuff he can see and work on the other stuff as you get the time. Also ask for him to call you an hour before he comes home so you can be as prepared as possible.
I keep trying to put myself in my husbands shoes. He supports us. PS every now and then really go out of your way with something and let him know how hard it was but that you did it especially for him.

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There was a time when my husband would come home from work & ask me what I did all day, & I would tell him & try to make him understand how busy my day really was, or that I was tired from being up with our son in the night. After a while he changed his tune & said that he didn't care if housework got done, as long as I was taking such good care of our son, but not that he would help with the chores I do...
Once James started getting older & my husband would watch him more while I was out running errands, he learned! He plays with our son the whole time & doesn't even think about doing anything else! Now he thinks I'm an awesome mom because our house is usually fairly clean, appts are kept, groceries are bought & he gets a nice dinner most nights. If only I could sit on the floor & play all day like he does!
Don't feel guilty, enjoy your son while you can! Soon enough he will be a toddler & want more independence.

Charity - posted on 05/28/2010

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Been there done that! I have an almost three year old son. Start small. Chose one thing to accomplish every day and just do it. Day one, clean your sink and don't leave dishes in it. Then the next, wash and dry one load of laundry. The next, fold and put that away. Keep doing small chores every day and eventually you will get there. My husband doesn't get it either. My son likes to spend time with his daddy but when I leave it's "when is mommy coming home?" I think 3 hours is the most he has ever been with his daddy by himself. I gave up trying to prove the point of how I can't leave and "go home" from my job. It's 24/7/365. I understand and my prayers are in your corner!

Julie - posted on 05/28/2010

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My husband was like this up until my first was 22 months. I was 7 mths pregnant at the time and went to NV for 4 days to see my sister get married. So, he had to take off work and take care of our son 24-7 for those 4 days and that was now a year ago and although he is never completely understanding he has never been an A-hole about it ever again! I don't know what kind of scenario could get your husband to understand where you are coming from, but if it gets to the point you can't take it...maybe you could visit a relative for a few days or something?

Sarah - posted on 05/28/2010

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Btw what all these ladies are saying about leavin the baby with him is very true. The way my husband learned was when evere i went out for a while and came back and he would say "omg I have so much respect for you and what you go through for a whole day with Tia (our daughter)" He's the type where he an't keep his cool. so I know he'd lose it with her in one day of watching both kids now.

Anna - posted on 05/28/2010

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I know, it seems like no matter how much I clean and do laundry, or how great the house looks, there's one or more things i just didn't get to. And that's unacceptable. I sometimes wonder if he's be able to stay as sane as i do if he had to do my job for a day.

Sarah - posted on 05/28/2010

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I used to go through the same sort of things. Now I have two kids. An 18 month old and a 1 month old. I mean especially when it's your first child, you still need to learn how to juggle things. If you put baby down for a nap in the afternoon, then you can use that as your "me time" since your baby is still young and can sit in an exersaucer, you can stick her in there and do dishes at least you know? i know its tricky but everyday I try my best to get the dishes done and possibly tidy up the whole house. I do what I can. but you can only do so much. When I had just my daughter my husband used to get very upset with me, if something didn't get done just one day and it would start a battle. but now with another one he sees everything in a whole different light. I think its amazing sometimes. And now he doesn't complain when he needs to do somethings around the house. Sometimes he does the dishes and when he gets home he takes care of the older one. So I mean the only thing you can do is do the best you can during the day and make him understand. I mean time flies when you are just watching babies during the day. So i know when you are asked "what did you do all day?" you think back and you think.. geez not much but its time consuming. so i totally understand where you are coming from.

Emma - posted on 05/28/2010

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I just wanted to say that I enjoyed reading these posts. For the "moms" who are "Supermommy" and can keep the home spotless, how much "Mommy-time" do your babies get (yes, even your 13 y.o. needs Mommy-time)?
Seriously, check out flylady.net. I like the idea of starting with a spotless home and then working one area or one chore a day (but remember that dishes have to be done every day) - maybe hubby can help you pay someone to come in and do a "deep clean"...this will make it easier to stay on top of everything. Also, if he's coming in from work and just dropping his stuff - shame on him! - he needs to take responsibility for putting his own stuff away, he's not a 2 year old in need of help. He can put his own dirty clothes in the laundry/hamper.
One thing I like to do - when we take off our clothes they go directly into the washing machine. When it gets full, the clothes get washed. As soon as the dryer stops, I open it, take out the clothes & fold/put them on hangers. Cuts down on the need for ironing. Now, that doesn't mean the clothes actually get put away, but I can find everything I need, neatly stacked on top of the dryer. Don't stress about sorting, other than the unmentionables, and wash everything together - in the dye-free, fragrance-free detergent baby needs...cuts down on a LOT of the work, too!
Hint on dishwashing - if you have a dishwasher & the dishes to do it...put dirty dishes in the washer all day long. Fill it up, then right before bed, run it. It works while you sleep (about the only thing that does!) - you can also do this with the laundry...
sweeping & vacuuming - if you want to do it daily, just hit the "hot spots" - the middle of the floors. don't worry about moving furniture until big clean days, or until company's coming.
I love reading on flylady how "Remember, company's not coming to see your house, they're coming to see you!" (or a rough translation thereof).
Baby is the most important thing. I have a 6 year old & 3 year old. both girls. 6 year old is always 2 grades/years ahead of her friends, so I have to find challenging activities for her to do when she gets home. 3 year old was a preemie & is a little behind, so constantly working with her to move & go. S-SAHM, full-time student, just now learning (because I never learned how, growing up) to clean up after my own self and my children...it's a full-time job, no vacation. have been a single mom for almost 6 years, lived like one for almost 7 (even when married, ex came home & started in...when he was fired did NO housework of any kind).
babies are high demand. so is self. so is hubby. take one day at a time and just enjoy every moment with your family. even the stressful ones!
blessings :)

Laural - posted on 05/28/2010

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Has your husband ever taken care of the baby by himself? It does not sound like it. This it the best way for him to understand the constant work you do. I did this with preemie twins with special health needs. I got no "me" time. One day I arranged to go to a movie in the evening with my sister and gave my husband a list of what to do while I was gone. When I got back, my husband couldn't wait to hand them back over to me and get some time for himself. Wow. Maybe the mom needs that too? Guys learn better by experiencing it themselves.

Jen - posted on 05/27/2010

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ps
What amuses me is that our job is a 24 hour job, we don't get holidays, sick days,some times not a full nights sleep,no sleep in's but their job (well the lucky ones) finish when they leave work.. I get up during the night when they wake so he can sleep, i don't stop in the afternoons to the time the lil darlings go to bed, i comfort when sick, let hubby sleep in on a sunday and my hubby wont take the day off when im sick, so i get no rest, but when he's sick i keep all the kids quiet so daddy can sleep and get better.... Don't feel quilty, being a mum is the hardest but best job in the whole world.. Dont feel quilty for not having a spick and span house:-)

Jen - posted on 05/27/2010

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Ahhh you poor thing, they have no idea do they? My hubby doesn't care thank goodness, i have 4 children and my place looks the same from when he leaves to when he comes home..
I clean all morning and by the time my 2 lil ones have a sleep and then pick up the 2 older kids from school the house gets trashed again... Argh!!
But he understands as see's exactly what happens on the weekend if we stay at home.. I figure that if i did nothing at all day it would look exactly the same..
I try not to worry about it.
Speak to him and let him stay home with just your child and he will understand- well should!!
Good luck:-)

Michelle - posted on 05/27/2010

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As u can see from all your responses, this happens to almost every mom! It sucks, the last thing we want to hear after an all-nighter of rocking your screaming baby (so your man could try to sleep) is his big mouth asking why his laundry hasn't been done. The problem is that he is no longer your number one, your baby is. I hate to tell you this, but it doesn't get much better. I have 3 kids & he still says crap like that. (Not as often, but he does it.) The best thing to do is leave him with the baby. Not for a day, but a few days. Come up with a family emergency out of town & leave them both on a weekend. Or even better, let him take the baby to a doctor's appointment(worse..a shot appt.!) and give him a list of errands to do with the baby in tow (grocery shopping, post office, mall-with a particular item to find). This will show him what you are doing every day. He will feel it, however, a man's memory sucks, so unfortunately, u will have to do this more than once! Hang in there, you are doing the best you can. Nobody ever looks back when they are old & say, "My rug needed vaccuuming on that day." They look back & say, "That day with my baby at the park was the best day!" Make memories, not beds. It's good to be clean, tidy up as u go along, but don't kill yourself over it. You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your husband & child! Never forget that! You are important & what u are doing every day matters, whether you did the dishes or not!

Roxanne - posted on 05/27/2010

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had the same problem, still having the same problem & mine is 15months old. My response is I need my sanity & be fully rested to make sure that I keep our child alive. That's the most important thing, everything else will eventually get cleaned, on weekends, or spending a 1/2 hr at the end of the day to clean up. Do what you can, when you can, but don't stress over not being about to get it all done.

Natalie - posted on 05/27/2010

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Reverse roles for a few days and see how he copes. I bet he'll be begging for you to help or take over once he's had a taste of everything you have to deal with. I am one of the lucky ones. My Hubby works full-time but still helps me around the house. Good luck.

Jess - posted on 05/27/2010

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I told my husband when I started being a stay at home mom that the key word was "mom." I said that my job is to take care of the kidlets and anything else I get done is a bonus. I am not a housekeeper. Being a mom is a full time job all by itself and unless he is planning to work two full time jobs I don't have to either. I will get done what I can and what I can't oh well. I said, " If all of the children are alive when you get home at the end of the day, my job is done."

Regina - posted on 05/27/2010

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Men don't get it, until they have to spend a day in our shoes! You should make time for yourself or else you will begin to resent being a mother and a wife. You need to speak up for yourself and ask for help from your husband. Leave him for a day by himself with the baby and see how much he can get done in a day. Hopefully he will begin to appreciate all that you do on a daily basis. My husband and I went through a rough time with managing household chores after we had our daughter and when I decided to go to graduate school and stay home with our daughter I felt overwhelmed to manage everything until I just broke down and said, I am unhappy and I need your help and support.

Katey - posted on 05/27/2010

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Sweetie, I have a baby that isn't a month yet, and my housework is getting backed up also. But we live with my parents so I am cleaning up after 4 adults, my husband works 8-10 hours a day as a Contractor and he will come home, cook, clean, do landry and help with the baby. Tell your husband that being a stay at home mom is full time job. What you should do, and leave him home with the baby for a day or 2, and see if he gets everything done. And when he don't tell him it's not easy, and tell him to get off your ass!!!

Wendy - posted on 05/27/2010

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Oh my gosh, girl! You are preaching to the choir! And as if I didn't already feel as if we were coming from the exact same place, you posted this on my daughters birthday!! haha My husband is the same way and for the longest time ppl (mostly other, more experienced mothers) told me that I should find a way to leave her with him for as long as I could. They were right. And you have to prioritize and organize. It took me a long time to realize how beneficial these two things can be. Do the housework that he finds important first. I know how that sounds, but you are trying to keep the peace and still have time for you, right? So be sure to get up before your daughter (who is adorable, by the way). And that can either be you time or time to wash/fold clothes, etc. But your husband has to be willing to let go a little, too! My husband use to be really anal about the house and thank God he relax quite a bit once our tiny house began getting more and more cramped with baby necessities. I hope this was helpful. Good luck.

Cara - posted on 05/27/2010

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I would just tell him that you are not super woman, you can't do everything. If he keeps complaining tell him if he thinks its so easy then he needs to do it at least for a day. Leave her with him one day while you go run errands and tell him you expect all the things done that he expects of you. When you get home he'll likely be begging for a break and may have a better understanding of what EVERYDAY is like for you.

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