I don't know what to do anymore.....

Angella - posted on 08/31/2010

I have felt like this a time or two but I have a few words of advice. #1 teach your daughter that her whining and crying is teaching the baby to do the same and she NEEDS TO STOP. #2 Know that your baby is just looking for your attention because he is madly in love with his mommy. #3 At night when the kids are in bed, take a hot bath with a glass of whine and reflect on the "good" aspects of your life. Think to yourself "what would happen if you didn't have them?" as morbid as this sounds it will help you see what you really have. And #4.... Talk to your husband about it. Don't let it turn into a fight. Tell him that he needs to just listen, without judgment, or fighting... Just listen. If he won't I suggest talking to a therapist. Lastly, know that every mom feels like this at one point or another. Your not alone and no one is perfect or has to pretend to be. Good luck.

Schmoopy - posted on 08/31/2010

You def need a mommy "time out." Find some time to be alone on a routine basis. I go jogging in the mornings - my husband feeds the children breakfast while I'm doing it. It's only a half an hour, but it's nice to have a little time for myself every day.

Also, try to slow down. When you're going a mile a minute, busy all the time, it's hard to appreciate why children are so wonderful. Everything they see and do is new to them. They see the world from a fresh perspective and find something to appreciate in everything! It's why we have children. If you slow down, you'll see why they're so much fun.

Kim - posted on 08/30/2010

Hi Angi,

My name is Kim and I have 3 kids, 12yrs, 8yrs and 2yrs. I know how you are feeling, I have dealt with this myself. I want to let you know that you are not alone we all go through it. I have just come out of it myself. A question for you! Do you have time to yourself? And do you and your hubby have time together? I mean away from the kids and house? Believe me when I say that it is a necessity to have you time for the sake of yourself and your family, which obviously you love very dearly. Even if it is only for an hour or so once a week. You can increase it as you feel comfortable. My hubby and I finally had a night away last weekend and it was great! We both really needed it. He works away and is only home on weekends, which makes things hard on all of us. A few months ago I was that bad that I was contemplating suicide. I have also now found something outside of the home and family that is only for me and that I thoroughly enjoy. I suggest to you and all the other great mum's out there that are feeling like this, that you do start taking time for YOU. You are actually the most important person in your family! They all rely on you all the time and if you aren't happy I can guarantee your family won't be happy ( eg, your little people crying alot, and trying to hang off you) they can feel your worries and respond with the same upsets. I will also tell you that you are definately NOT a bad mum and you really do need to be happy in yourself for your family to be happy. Another question! Have you spoken to a doc on how you are feeling? Since you have a little one you could be suffering from post natal depression.

I hope I have helped xox

Aniesha - posted on 08/30/2010

Could you be suffering depression? Maybe you need to get help. I suffered really bad depression throughout my teen years, to the point of writing my suicide note. Thank goodness I came out of it. My life is much better now, thanks to my partner & baby, but there have been a few times over the past couple of years where it's gotten a hold of me again & I've just felt like I hate everyone & everything. I suffered terrible post-natal depression & cried every day for about 7 months after my son was born, even tho at the same time I was thrilled to be a Mum. I know what helped me a great deal was I went to a naturopath last year who also does bowen massage. She "re-aligned" me, my body has felt so much better, and my moods lifted dramatically. I think a lot of the time things may just seem really horrible inside our heads, but they're not really. I also know that it doesn't matter whether it's just inside your head or not when you're going through it, it's still real to you. I hope you find happiness with yourself, and your family.

Andrea - posted on 08/30/2010

I know how you feel...I have 4 sons,ages 12,10,3&2.

The two older ones fight ALL the time.The two younger ones whine and scream at me.I can't even make a darn phone call without the 2 year old screaming.I lock myself in my room at least 4 times a week.I Love them but I feel hate as well.My doctor recently put me on a mild dose of prozac and I have to say that although I dont agree with popping pills,they have made my life better.The low dose is just enough to keep me from falling into the black hole as I call it,but I haven't had any bad side effects.

I hope things get better for you.

Deanna - posted on 08/30/2010

You need to get out more on your own. Frankly I do everything in my power to be a SAHM. However, in your case chances are it would be a better idea to throw them in daycare and let someone else do most of the raising everyday. Children whine, cry, and manipulate to get their own way. It sounds like you just can't handle it and if you are always yelling at the kids when no one else is around that would be considered verbal abuse. I am truly sorry you are having these issues but it sounds like you need to just get a job and have that 10 hour time span everyday away from your kids. That would only leave the couple of hours in the morning and up to 4 hours after work. Your husband would have to help out more and but if you both communitcate with each other that shouldn't be a problem.

good luck and god bless.

Kitty - posted on 08/30/2010

it is normal to feel this way you just need a routine and a escape were you alone do somethin if you are the one running your home it can be a lot to take on
and it is a high demand i know this... men are not always the greatest help but do the work they know how and can help out as much as they can,it can be a daily struggle to get thru it all but take a day just for you and hubby and you togather and let hubby do the same im sure it can work !!!

Isabel - posted on 08/30/2010

i know exactly how u feel.... im a 29 year old mother of four. im not going to lie, i have my days where i want to pull my hair out and run away but this is life. after having kids, it doesn't get any easier. you just need to take a deep breath and take one day at a time. if your husband doesn't help you around the house then he should have no reason to complain if dinners not made or the laundrys not done. Always start your day with breakfast, you will need it for the energy u use through out the day. tend to the kids first, bathe, feed and play with em....find something that intrests your lil girl that way she will let you do ther things without bothering you.. As for your baby, as long as they are fed, dry (diaper) and rested.... t.v. or rocker usually works:) hope this helps...

Nellie - posted on 08/30/2010

You need God!! first and foremost!! i know it sounds crazy that it could be soo simple but it is. you are not alone in this. every mom has a hard time. you are streched in 10 different ways, taking care of everyone and thing around you. but who is taking care of you? and dont think for one minute that you have to be this perfect suzie homemaker house wife. be you the person God made you to be. i also totaly understand about your kids getting on your nerves. my son and daughter both cry on the drop of a hat. and i dont do whinny kids. but you do have to find away to deal with it. unless its a real reason to cry i put my kids in time out for whinning for no reason. and i talk to them i ask them do you really think that is worth all those tears. kids have to be teached how to control their emotions or they are going to grow up as adults that cant handle everyday life struggles. and if you feel your self getting overwelmed give you self a time out. from the time my daughter was born until she was 2 she would just cry all the time. we had moved and i had no friends or family around to help. so i would make sure she wasnt hungary or had a wet diaper i put her in her crip and i would close the door and put on happy music alot of time christian music and just take a minute to level my self out and just take it day by day. prey over you and your family and know that it will get better. when im ever having a bad day now and my kids are 3 and 6, and im feeling overwhelmed or thinking whats the use. i stop and find the joy in my life. think about your kids and if they werent there, you would have no little clothes to fold, no little kisses or hugs, no little hands to hold yours... its the little things through the crazienss that makes it all worth it. They are only on loan to us from God , they are his childeren and soo are you. I have no doubt that you are a wonderful mom and that you love your kids and would do anything for them. Dont let anything steal your joy. Not having a clean house, perfect kids, the ideal american life, your life is what you make it. there is no guildline, no mold you are suppose to fit in. Just live everyday with you kids as if they would be gone tomarrow. i will be praying for you, i really will. God bless you and your family

Kris - posted on 08/30/2010

Hey Angi,
I have to tell you a little secret. My bestfriend and I have a little code between us. We will call, or text one another when the kids are acting up or taking us to a breaking point and just say "IHMK" which stands for "I hate my kids" then we laugh because we know we really love them. But yes it does get insane when you cannot pee alone, it is nerve racking when not only can you not eat a plate of hot food but you have to share half of it with a little one as well or in some cases your own hubby picking off your plate. It is so irritating when you just finished cleaning up the dishes and then your hubby walks in and makes himself something to eat. Or as you just finished cleaning up the toys in one room you walk into another to find a whole new disaster area.
For years I was a working mom dreaming of being home with my kids and by the end of a year at home I could not wait to get back to work. Now I am here at work missing my kids and wishing I were back home with them. It always seems the grass is greener on the other side but there is always good and bad.
Definately make some time for yourself and feel free to freak out once in awhile (maybe wait until the hubby is home and then lock yourself in the bathroom like you did).
Take a breath and give yourself a pat on the back. Look at all that you do that you have to be proud of and stop beating yourself up about the things you feel you fall short on. We are all our own worst critics.
I also try to remember what it must have been like for my mom when I was that age and then smile knowing some day these kids will be so grateful and understanding of your sacrifices. Anyway you are great and hey IHMK.... sometimes every other day =o)

Angi - posted on 08/30/2010

Thank you to everyone.
Today, has not been nearly as bad as yesterday. I can say, after I wrote this I kinda lost it... Went and got the baby and took him to his daddy and just kinda hid in the bathroom and cried. I felt much better I did. I get scared when I feel that way. I don't get like that often but it does happen. I am glad I am not the only person that feels that way.
I talked with a friend and I am going to take an evening to get away. My mom passed away the day after Christmas this year and his family lives 2 hours away, but I am going to tell my husband that he will have to take care of the house or get some one to soon. We just always have SOO much going on on the weekends. I tell myself next weekend.. next weekend and next thing I know its been two months since I have peed with out someone looking at me or in my lap. By that time I am in the middle of a nervous breakdown.
Thank you to everyone for listening. I really needed to talk about all this.

Rachel - posted on 08/30/2010

Here's what I do and this makes all the difference:
First thing in the morning give the day over to God and ask for His peace, patience, and wisdom over everything that you do that day.
Second make sure to take time for yourself during the day because that does wonders for a stay at home mom. I only have one child, 16 months, and while he is an amazing, adorable little boy there are times he drives me nuts. Does your 4 year old still take a nap? If not maybe she can have alone playtime in her room while the younger one naps just to give you some time to yourself. You have to take time away every day or it does get overwhelming. Also do you workout or do any kind of fun exercise that you really enjoy? I just started Hip Hop Abs and LOVE it!!! I've always hated working out and still trying to lose some of the baby flab and when I found this I fell in love with it because I love dancing to hip hop music. So if you're into that I would recommend checking into it. Exercise is a great way to boost your self-esteem, make your happier, less stressful, and will give you the extra energy you need to make it through the day. I workout during my son's naptime which is perfect since that way I don't have to get up super early and it makes me feel GREAT!!! If exercise isn't your thing find something you really enjoy and set aside time every day or at least every other day for that activity.
And lastly talk to your husband and tell him how you're feeling and ask for his prayers and support and maybe he'll have some ideas of things he can do to help out more.
Keep your head up and don't forget to count your blessings. Its easy to get bogged down so each night take a deep breath and even if you yelled at the kids that day still be thankful for them and for having a husband and a house to live in....that's a lot more than a lot of people now can say.

Kimberly - posted on 08/30/2010

Hey Angi, I can understand some of what you are feeling. Not to be neg but Hate is a very strong word. Maybe annoyed and aggrevatied. There was a point when I felt lilke I couldnt anymore. It takes some time but you have to tell your slef that its ok to a little crazy. Try to not get crazy over your 4 year old not doing exactly what you want her to do. As much as we dont want our babies to grow up we do expect alot from them but we have to remember that they are kids. Give her tiny chores and one at a time so she can get the hang of it . As for some quiet time setting some kind of routine can work. e.g. everyone sitting for breakfast at the table, or set up a picnic inside or out for lunch. Pop in a movie have coloring book and crayons. Have her nap during the day for about an hour. Try to go out for walks (no stroller for the 4y/o so she can burn of of that energy) and the walk helps you ease some stress.
At night set a dinner bath and ready for bed routine. Once she gets the hang of that that will help you have some time just you and the baby or just you. At that time have some tea pop in your fav movie (mine Pretty Woman) take a nice warm shower and have You time. So what there are dishes in the sink or toy and clothes lying around a day or two of a mess wont hurt.
You have to take care of you before you can take care of everything else.
One more thing. Getting upset and yelling doesnt help you or the kids. They can feed of your reaction. when the 4 y/o is on you tell her to sit down and color or to sit down next to you. Shes feeling your attention is going onto the baby (norm). Taking a deep breath and maintaining a normal voice with her will tell her mommy is here when i need her . Make some time for her too with out the baby. if the baby takes a nap read a book with her or have snacks together and talk. She'll fell speacial :)

Anne - posted on 08/30/2010

I hear you. sometimes you just need a break. maybe is there someone you trust who could watch your children for a couple of hours just so you could go do something for yourself. That's what I do every other week I take an hour and just go window shopping or to the grocery by myself. try to do something alone. Good luck!! Anne Mayer

Lisa - posted on 08/30/2010

I think the first thing you need to do is be honest. Starting with your husband. If you can't tell him how you feel, show him the post you just wrote. You can't move forward until you admit that you're overwhelmed and need help.

You're not alone and all moms and dads have times where they just need some alone time to recharge. But if no one knows that, no one can help.

Talk to your husband about what you're feeling. If you have family, ask them to watch the kids for a couple hours each week so you can get some alone time. Talk to a mom at playgroup or bible study about trading off babysitting time. Often times it doesn't take a ton of alone time to recharge. Spend some time everyday on yourself. When your youngest goes down for a nap, tell your 4 year old it's quiet time, allow her to pick out her favorite movie and go take a bath or read a book.

Gena - posted on 08/30/2010

You are not alone! We all go through periods where we feel like this...however, if it is something that you have been struggling with for a while, I think you might need to go and see a therepist or talk to your dr about depression. I think periods of that are normal, but if it isnt going away, you should not have to live like that! Good luck!

Bethany - posted on 08/29/2010

What kind of advice would I give a person like you? Same advice I give myself everyday.

I'm alot harsher on Charlotte when no one is looking, and that's the real me. She has the home made "sneaky veges" cookies, we're adored at all the Groups, we can't go to the shops without at least two people commenting on how adorable and well behaved she is, I keep my house nice, and I have a great, and helpful husband, and a car, my car.

But I read a post like yours and I just nod my head and say "ah ha, yep, we're everywhere, good to know."

But I can always say to my daughter when she pinches or kicks at me "Mummy doesn't hurt you, so don't you hurt Mummy". I step away mentally and look on at us going about our day (and night) and be my own critic. Would I want a stranger to treat my daughter like that? No. So I pull up my grown-up parenting socks, take a big deep breath, knowing that every stage is temporary, and I voluntarily signed up for this gig, and step back in and just keep trying to do a good job with this spectacular little person I've been given to mentor.

And that's really hard some days, and a breeze other days. I do the same things every week, on the same days, so I know when I'll get a breather, and when she gets a breather too (every second day).

You're normal, that's normal, just go easy on yourself, and don't put too much on your plate, your husband would eat whatever cookies you give him, store or yours. It's ok.

Michele - posted on 08/29/2010

I am a new stay at home mom and find it harder than working. I was looking forward to not working but now it is the same boring day everyday. We moved out of state so I don't know anyone. I am trying to meet some new people which I have had to do before. It makes a big difference to have someone to hang out with there are probably a dozen moms like you in your area that would love to get together. You could also trade babysitting time, so you could get out for a few hours.It makes life so much better. You also need some alone time with out the kids when you are with your kids constantly they will get very annoying.

Amanda - posted on 08/29/2010

Oh ladies. I am so glad to hear I am not alone. While I am not quite where you guys are, my family (son and husband) are annoying the hell out of me. My son is 11moths old today. He's my first and only child. He's been ill for the past couple of weeks, so he is whining/crying non-stop, and I can't take it anymore. Additionally, I am trying to wean him from the bottle, but when he's with dad all dad wants to do is give him a bottle. I thought the two of us were on the same page, but I guess I was wrong. Additionally, we live with my in-laws. I think I am just at my wit's end. Thank you ladies; thank you.

Kylie - posted on 08/29/2010

YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!! I find myself hating my own 8 year old step-son and 4 year old daughter and there are some days and nights where I also hate my 3, almost 4 week old baby girl. I find myself more often than not, hating my fiance, my family and my friends too. Hell, I even hate myself because I can't handle things anymore. The slightest things make me angry. For instance, my 8 year old step-son has a tendancy to do alot of naughty things that his father never see's. But, I (and my my family) always see it and when he does and gets caught, he just sits there and looks at you, like a friggin' moron and never answers. He also has behavior issues at school which have me going down to the school on a regular basis but his father still doesn't get it and nor do his father's parent's. All they say is "he's a typical little boy". My 4 year old daughter is going through what I think is "terrible two syndrome"...she irritates me to the point where I swear at her and tell her that I don't want her around. I snapped at my 4 year old a few weeks back and it was then that I realised that maybe it was time to go back to the doctor and discuss going back on my medication for Depression and Anxiety. I've suffered with this illness for 10 years on and off and trust me, it never gets any easier.
Honestly, I think you should go to your local GP and discuss these issues and feelings with him/her. It may just be that you too need some kind of medication to function normally for a little while. It doesn't make you a bad mother and trust me, for a long time there, I thought I was a bad mother because I was on medication just to function and do my day to day chores as a mother. I've learnt, gradually, that if functioning normally means taking medication and being able to enjoy my kids and my life, then it's just something I have to do for my kids, my family and myself...

Shalaina - posted on 08/29/2010

I know how you feel. I had horrible postpartum and it has seemed to linger (1 yr old son). I've gotten much better than before but still every now and again I almost resent the fact that we decided to have a child. Thinking that puts me into a horrible mood and then it is just a big ugly circle.
Definitely get some 'me time.' My husband is great and gives me 'me time' when needed, I seriously do not know what I would do without him. Grandma is always up to watching him so we try to go on a date once a month if possible.
Message me anytime, I was glad to see someone write that they do feel this way, it is nice to know you are not the only one that is losing it =)

Aimee - posted on 08/29/2010

i think you should talk to a therapist or schedule some "mommy alone" time. It sounds like to me you have been ignoring yourself. I get that way when i am cooped up all the time, everyday is the same etc.. i found out that getting out ALONE with no kids every now and then is a blessing. i love my children, but i tell ya, occasionally i wanna rip my hair out and lock myself in a room in the fetal position...even if you just take 2 hours every weekend it can really help, leave the kids with their father and go walk around target for a few hours...remember the saying "retail therapy"? even if you cant afford to buy its cool to look around at things you might like to buy someday...also sometimes i go test drive cars just to get out of the house! find what works for you...

Juliette - posted on 08/29/2010

I have been in your shoes twice in my life. i am not married but with my fourth bf who I am having a baby with. he does what your husband does other than the part where i do get upset in front of him towards my children when they disobey. I had three previous relationships that left me with a child each time. i accepted the fact that I may not be the best mom, but who\s going to do better than me who created them. When a man starts to stay out a lot and doesn't contribute to the family its just what a man usually is like they see nothing in a woman's space they can contribute to others than go work or stay out of the way. I realize your in so much pain I have and barely made it out of the second breakdown alive. Take a day for yourself. And if your man doesn't agree explain to him you need a day out or a weekend away. Anything to give you that temporary break to have you time. You may think your a bad mom but your not, just know their are other moms just like you who struggle from day to day. Some who do it alone. I have many times without and man or family to help out. Its hard but it definitely makes you a stronger woman. With you four year old been through that with my five year old last year. Sit and talk tell her what she does makes mommy hurt and the yelling is only because you want whats best for her. It may not stop the whining but it will help her understand a little that mommies hurt and get tired too. i don't know if this will help you but its helping me when I know I am not alone with my daily struggles as a at home parent with three...going to be four children. I hope you can look at your life and realize its the best you may get.

Kate - posted on 08/29/2010

l know how you feel. David is a wonderful dad. As a husband l can count on him to take care of us and l trust him completely. We also have a house and no car payments, no credit card debts, or medical bills. With all that said, l hate my life right now too. My sons are a 3 yr old and the twins are 13 months. My house is a mess, my 3 yr old keeps hurting his brothers and does everything he can to make me angry. l'm trying a new approach. lnstead of reacting to my son's bad behavior, l'm trying to avoid it. l give him lots of hugs and kisses during the day and then tell him he has extras so he can give some to his brothers. (l give him a lot of hugs, too. He eats it all up.) lt's not easy. Yelling at them is a habit and it's so hard to change my behavior patterns. l've been trying it for about 5 days. Yesterday was the first day l managed to do it the whole day. And l did see a big difference. l think he hit one of his brothers only once. Two days ago he even gave his brother love and sympathy when he fell and hit his head!
l know it will get easier when they are all about 6 and 4 years old. (l have 2 grown kids, too.)
l'm not telling you are doing anything wrong; l've been doing the same thing and feeling the same way. l just wanted to share with you what l think the solution is for me.