I don't want or feel like having sex,....EVER!!

Kari - posted on 01/17/2011 ( 106 moms have responded )

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Ok,.. here is the deal,.. and I know I'm not alone here. I don't have a sex drive anymore, I don't want it, don't need it. Of course my other half says he'll be patient,... NOT! About once every month or 2 I'll give in, and even though I'm not in the mood,.. I'll walk in the bedroom and make him happy just so he'll stop being a grumpy, moody man. What ticks me off though is that he knows I don't want to,.. but he doesn't seem to care. What makes me want to punch him,... is when he not -so-subtly reminds me that he wants sex. Ex: I'm washing dishes, cleaning, trying to deal with my 2yr old( who has ADHD), and the hubby says something like," I wonder when Daddy is gonna get lucky,.. hopefully soon." I've told him many times before,. "I know you want it, you always do,.. but please stop dropping stupid hints and reminders around me. I'll come to you when I want sex." He doesn't seem to be hearing me. He still drops hints. I remind him that the hinting just stands to piss me off, but he keeps doing it. Every single time I feel like turning around and punching him and say that since he had to drop another hint, knowing how I feel,.. that he's never gonna get sex again. I've even told him to go find a sex buddy,.. I don't care. I know I don't want it and men seem to need it. I tell him I love him, but if that's what he needs to be in a good mood,.. go find it. Of course he doesn't believe it so I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't actually slept in the same bed as him for over a yr as I have to sleep on a special matress on the floor for my back,.. and with my 2 yr old as he gets night terrors due to the ADHD. I'm tired, worn-out and for those who question,.. I have my tubes tied,.. no birth control,.. but do take other meds that don't help the libido either. Arrrrrgggg. I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm not doing my womanly responsibilties,.. yet I do everything as a SAHM. Not once has he gotten up at night with his son, cause he sleeps so deep, I can't even wake him. I cook, bake, clean. He cooks once in a while and does dishes but I feel it's more to try to suck up to me so I'll put out. Any suggestions? I'm so done that I'm not even sure I like men anymore....lol.

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Michelle - posted on 03/12/2012

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You seriously need some professional help. If you don't want to have a desire to have regular sex with your husband (several times a week, not every 30 to 60 days) then you are opting to be roommates, not lovers. Your marriage is on VERY VERY rocky ground and it is your fault for not even wanting to recognize it.



I feel absolutely aweful for your husband. If you do not make some drastic efforts to change you will lose him and your family. The love you share with your husband should be a romantic and sexual one, not a plutonic non-sexual one. You need to recognize you have a serious problem and that you are making your relationship suffer severely for it.

Kelly - posted on 02/17/2011

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My husband and I had a similar problem after the birth of my first child. I should give you some background on us. When we were young we would go out and take party drugs (extascy). Later we got together and married and children ect. Also my husband suffers social anxiety disorder which didnt help with our problems. After the birth of my first I had gone from a size 10 (australian) to a 16. I felt like I was in a fat suit. I never left the house and was confined to pjs 24 hours a day. I was not depressed though, just busy. My husband was also having an episode and we had gone 8 months without sex because I really didnt feel like it. Then we started fighting. eventually we talked about divorce. I finally went to the doctor (who knew our history) and he quietly suggested taking an E at home with no kids and having a big D&M (deep and meaningfull) conversation. It saved our marrage. We talked all night about where we were coming from. We both started going on long walks with the kids at night and on weekends to get fit, and he went on medication for his problem. Eventually I started finding myself 'in the mood.' The problem was I saw myself as a mother, not a woman, and I felt yuk in my body. Now we are preggers with number 3 and life couldnt be better. Im not suggesting anyone take drugs, maybe wine is a better idea, but you both need to get into a relaxed state and have a serious talk. Ang you need to find ways to make yourself feel more than a mother. Cheers

Katrina - posted on 05/20/2011

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I am so glad there is someone else out there that has this problem. I was very sexual with the few partners that I had ( a whopping total of 3 before my husband and I am 26). So I have no idea why when we got married my libido started to decrease and then when I got pregnant it was non existent. Afterwards it was like "What's sex?" I have no desire to do it at all until recently but then he makes me mad and that quickly goes away. He does absolutely nothing around the house and says that it is because we are not sexually active anymore. In my book any real woman or man wouldnt stop them from doing what they are supposed to do which is helping around the house, paying at least half of the bills, and helping with the children. On top of that I work a full time job, but he thinks that since he works 12 hrs a day and sometimes 6 days a wk that he should be exempt from doing all of that stuff. I with you on the not sure you like men anymore. I think I'm becoming more and more content to be left the heck alone. And I dont even get the cooking once in a while or the dishes washed.

Lisa - posted on 01/18/2011

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Alicia - But there is a difference. Both you and your husband are satisfied. Even though you are not having intercourse, you have an intimacy level. Her husband seems to be reaching out for some type of intimacy and her response was, "Get a sex buddy." Yes, a relationship can survive without intercourse but a husband and wife need to have some level of intimacy and be on the same page regarding that intimacy or there are going to be problems.

Tshanna Ele - posted on 01/18/2011

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How would you feel if you wanted sex all the time, and he never ever gave it to you? You need to be more empathetic. And I don't see him being the "grump" here as you put it. You are being very selfish and self-centered in my opinion. Sex is a beautiful thing that we give to our partners because we care about them. If you don't want sex, what do you want?

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106 Comments

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Ginny - posted on 05/24/2011

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You seriously need counseling. This is going to sound harsh, but a marriage in which you're not being sympathetic to one anothers' needs, clearly aren't communicating effectively, and where you are so apathetic that you're suggesting he sleep with other women, is in serious jeopardy. You need your mental and emotional needs met just as much as he needs his physical needs met. I would suggest counseling and whatever other medications or hormone treatments your GYN can offer to help increase your libido.

Tasha - posted on 02/17/2011

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The one thing I do read constantly in all the women's magazines is if you are having a low libido issue, trying to have sex more often can often help boost your libido.

Veronique - posted on 02/17/2011

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Oh boy i know how you feel......My husband needs it everyday if not 2 - 3 times a day. I have to say that 98% of the time i will give it to him once a day, sure i'll have those odd days where i'm like arrrrgggggg so tired but other then that even if i'm not in the mood i will give in, because trust me it's a lot easier then having him asking me every second of the day. I know that's probably not what you want to hear but this is my experience and my solution lol
Good luck.....

Sandy - posted on 02/16/2011

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Didn't mean to anger you by not reading all 5 pages of responses before responding.

Alleymarie82 - posted on 02/16/2011

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Maybe you guys need a night out just the 2 of you... to rekindle!!! Free your mind of daily chores and just be in that moment and not worry about anything else.. i know its easier said than done.. i had the same problem with my husband too!!! Take time for the 2 of you!!! Good luck

Kari - posted on 02/15/2011

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Yup,.. it's been confirmed. Some of you really don't read what is written. If Sandy Lindblom had read 3 ppl back,..to my last comment,.. my hormones are checked and fine,.. I orgasm with no problem. Geeezzz. Please read first,.. then comment!

Keri - posted on 02/15/2011

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I totally know where you are coming from.. It is hard & when they go on about it continuously it REALLY doesn't help. I felt like I was on a downward spiral. So I spent some time thinking about what it would take to make me feel more like a women/like myself again instead of care giver to all. So inturn picking up on the sex drive. We live away from family & I don't feel comfortable asking friends which adds to the pressure. I love my husband, find him attractive so what was the problem?? Well, I NEVER get a minute to myself even taking time to shave my legs (take time prettying myself) that was a part of it. Anyhoo, what we have ended up doing is having date nite once a month where we stay away from toots overnite so I don't have any mummy duties/worries & a nite out with the girls. WOW! what a difference that has mafe to me. I feel more intouch with myself & my husband has reeped the benefits. We save up, look forward to it. Works for all & the Gparents get some one on one time too. Hope this helps. Chin up this time will pass.

Kari - posted on 02/14/2011

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Wow,.. am I coming across wrong or are others just not getting it? I'm not angry,or mad at my hubby, he gets sex 1or2times a month. I've seen professionals at a womens clinic. There is nothing wrong with my hormones and am not taking medications that affect my libido. Yes, some of my medical conditions do,.. but that cannot be undone,... it would be like saying there is a cure for heart failure. I orgasm just fine,... no problems there. I just FEEL that sex is not important. Saving money to keep a roof over our heads by doing own baking and lunch supplies is more important. Sure, I could save time and energy buying processed meats and buy cookies,.. but some of us don't have that extra 5 bucks that would be better used to buy milk for the kids. Rarely do we even buy new clothes unless there is no more material to mend,,.. sewing machines aren't just for crafts ladies. Maybe I live in a different time,.. but I'm not sure too many of you would have lasted during the depression and wartimes. I have internet just because I can use my neighbors wireless. We live a life closer to that of the old TV show The Walton's,.. more than something like Raymond or Friends,..with the exception that we have no family but us. My kids have 1 grand parent who lives 4 provinces away. I even do my laundry by hand if we have a choice over using a machine for 2 bucks or getting eggs. Today for valentine's day I made a nice bouquet of heart flowers using popcicle sticks, pipe cleaners, old wrapping paper, water bottle and a glue gun. On each heart was a meaningful word or thought. An hour of my time making this out of love was worth more to my hubby than wasting even 1 buck on a store bought card.

Anyway, back to the sex,.. I got sidetracked,... for those of you who have regular sex,.. whether you willing want it or not, for whatever reason,... I put a question to you all.

What if something happened to you whether by disease or accident that made it immpossible for you to have or want sex? Would you want your spouse to try to understand and stay with you, love you for you,.. not to be resented for what you cannot give?

How about if something happened to him? If he was suddenly impotent due to illness or accident? Would you still stay with him and love him the same?

My hub and I do love each other and he does understand my conditions and effects of them on me. One day I won't be able physically to meet his sexual needs. My hub just is a sexual man who even though understanding,.. is still ruled by his penis. I am however,.. not! He is amazed and happy everyday by what I manage to do and get done and does express it. The only point of contention in our relationship is the sex. We don't fight or argue but maybe every 3-6 months and usually over that. When you have no, money and therefore never argue about that,..chores are done plus some,.. we are clothed, housed and fed,.. beyond sex,.. there is nothing we can or need to fight about. We agree on how to raise the boys and expectations. We may have a tough life to some,.. but life is what you make it,.. sex or no sex. My hub is starting and trying hard to understand that like money,.. sex is just a bonus! One he always wants, and I don't. That's it. It is possible to be alive and happy without sexual intimacy 2 or 3 times a week!

Tina - posted on 02/14/2011

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Womens NEEDS and Mens NEEDS are Very different!!! To tell your man you love him is nice but it is not portraying love to him. What you do around the house, though very appreciated, even if he does not say it, is still not complete love to him. A woman NEEDs to be heard, to have meaningful conversations and to have her feelings validated!! To be told she is beautiful, to cuddle, to be treated with tender care! These things say "I love you"
Men NEED sex. All that the above does for women is what sex does for men. No sex for your man tells him you dont love him. He needs it to feel loved!! Its his love language. Marriage and family is not about what we get out of it. Yes its hard I know. Im a mommy of three young kids and married to a man who cant get enough. Im good with 2-3 times a month. But because I love him and this marriage and family means the world to me I will do what I can to show him that love. Its about giving to one another.
Ive noticed the more I give to him in love, (participating not just laying there!!) the more he will give to me. just like anger and bitterness and fighting have a vicious circle so does love. He will be more willing to help out and to give you what you need. Its not a guarantee for sure, but if your man is a good man it is well worth the try!
oh one more thing.. if you need help around the house .. ask him, nicely, as romantic as it would be for him to 'know' what it is you need.. they just dont get it!! Dont forget that he goes to work for you every day too... that does earn some respect.. yes we do so much as mommies.. but isn't this what we wanted when we were pining for these husbands and babies!! This is a life of a wife and mother... stop being mad, enjoy your life as it is before your life is over!! I mean this in the kindest and most understanding way!! I do know completely where your coming from and I had to make up my mind to do this as well, though i still do fall short sometimes....!! Try to count your blessings! for there are Many!!!
ps... both my husband and son are ADHD! They do have many many amazing qualities, even though a little more difficult to understand! =)

Erin - posted on 02/14/2011

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You have a pretty strong husband to only be having sex 1 or 2 times within 30 days, when in reality they could have it every day. My husband and I are a 3-4 times a week kind of people, but I know there could be more. I understand where the both of you are coming from since I suffered loss of libido due to medications. First it was the PPD, then the drugs I had to take for the PPD, and then when I was finally off them, wow, my libido was back! Then I went on birth control to prepare for a procedure (which we ended up not doing) and my libido took another nose dive. Right now I'm just starting to get it back, thank god. Another thing that helped was when I started having orgasms again (my husband was very patient) it fueled my desire to have sex more often. And you need to remember that when he comes up to you and is dropping those hints that he is showing you that he is attracted to you and wants to be with you. If he would settle for a sex buddy then he would have by now. And when you're offering him that you're also saying to him it's okay to not be home, and it would eat into family time. Just imagine him away 3-5 times a week to go have sex with someone else when he should be home with your children. And then you'd be stuck home still doing everything.

Nicole - posted on 02/14/2011

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this is quite a difficult situation, Kari. is there a chance you could afford professional advise? have you tried anyone yet? if you havnt do a little reasearch and try fingd someone that has had alot of success with this particular situation. i personally would ask my doc for different medication that doesnt mess with my libido so much. i would also ask for my hormones to b tested for any imbalances that would cause this. if i was your hubby i would be going out of my mind! but if i was you i dont think i could manage the pain nearly as well as you are. i would honestly cut down alot of the things you spend time on ie: baking cookied and roasting meat for sandwiches - which although its alot nicer and often cheaper or better quality than the shop - i think you have to let go of some of your duties and see if this gives you that little bit of energy at the end of the week. try it for a month - i'm sure precessed ham or bought roast beef slces will not quite be the same.. bought cookies are definitely not the same hahaa xx but you need to manage your time better so that you are not kaput at the end of each day xx

keep in touch and let me know how things go! i honestly hope you find a way to get your sexy back xx

Kari - posted on 02/13/2011

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Thanks for the adive Nicole,... thing with us is,.. we do talk,.. neither of of believe in fighting,.. and he knows all of this before he snooped. Problem is he just can't comprehend any of it for more than a day or 2. It just seems he can't help himself.

Nicole - posted on 02/13/2011

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i just read your follow up post - - i have alot more sympathy and understanding now that i have read the fuller story...

i think the reason his grabbing you and 'sucking' up to you is because he is trying his best to let you know you are still very attractive - and for someone with a sex drive similair to mine and my hubby's ...he probably cant help himself!

i dot think i would want sex if i was in constant pain either! pain is exhausting and so is th amount of work you do for the family every day! welldone for gettign that all done! i'm way behind you in that regard.

please dont be angry with him for snooping... i think he probably just delighted to hear what is not being said out loud and he too perhaps felt he needed a little advise.
what about doing a post for him and letting the moms know that he is going to read it and state the situation and ask for advise for both of you?

other than this i think my advise would be as useless as my previous post which i have deleted after reading the follow up.. i'de be out of my mind and in a depression if i was in that sort of pain hun!

invise him back to read the rest of the comments with you, perhaps it would get you both talking and understanding each other better xxx

Kari - posted on 02/12/2011

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To Tristan,... I feel for you. I've only lost 1 pregnacy and know how that affected myself, let alone 4. There is not a man in the world who could truly understand the feeling. Even being pregnant for such a short time,.. our bodies and minds go through immediate changes that effect us on so many levels. Men feel it too,.. but so differently in respect to it being a loss in our lives. I would say there is councelling,.. but I'm sure you know that and of course it's not for everyone. We all deal with things in our own ways. The closest I could express how I was feeling about my loss to the father was by writing my unborn babe a letter,.. then letting his/her father read it. He found it helpful in getting a deeper understanding of how I was feeling. Might be worth a try. I wish you the best!

Tristan - posted on 02/12/2011

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I understand where u are coming from i have 4 children that i take care of everyday 5 if u want to count my husband my husband wants it everyday and sometimes i am so tired or just like to cuddle but alot has to do with im scared to have sex because i have had 4 miscariages in the last 2 years and it hurts so much when it happens that i think that it will keep happening and my husband just says we can keep tryin but i dont think he truly understands how bad it effects me

Christie - posted on 02/12/2011

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Kari, sweetie you sound as though you are an AMAZING woman!!!!! To overcome all of these obstacles on a daily basis! I admire you immensely! I in no way shape or form tried to belittle your self esteem by my comment. I apologize if my post seemed as such. I feel for you in every aspect of your life. I too have many conditions that I am dealing with right now. Do not care to post them here though. Feel free to drop me a message if you can and have some time. Enjoy your day! God bless you!

Kelina - posted on 02/11/2011

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jody so glad to know i'm not the only one who thinks about stuff like that during sex! sometimes i simply can't turn my brain off!

Jody - posted on 02/10/2011

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i enjoyed reading this, i thought i was the only one. i have 2 boys, which suck the life outta me. Last thing on my mind is sex, except when i do want it, my man is at work or out or tired. and when he wants it i don't.. we are never in sync, so on occasion i have given in to make him happy, the whole while i'm thinking, if i turned the dryer on, what should i cook for supper, whats the weather gonna be like tomorrow, should i take the kids out etc. i feel guilty about it but i seriously just do it for him. i hope its jsut a phase, but who knows.

Kari - posted on 02/10/2011

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Since I posted this comment and have read all responses so far,... it seams some of you understand and some just don't have a clue. Here is a little more info (some of which I have just found out),

1. I do love my hub

2. He's nosed in on the browser history and read some comments( which did piss me off to his spying, for which I told him).

3. Since nosing around, he has been thinking he's helping out by cooking a little more and such, which is a slight help.

4. I have given in for him recently, for which now he will not leave me alone! Hug, touch grope,..arrrgggg.

5. Besides being a SAHM for a child with devolpmental disabilities, which was confirmed last week in addition to the ADHD, I also have health limitations due to arthritis in my hips and lower back, degenerative disc disease in my lower spine, scoliosis of the spine, fibromyalgia, and I just found out last Tuesday that I probably have multiple sclerosis and am scheduled for more testing.



So, needless to say, sex, what of it. It's not beacuase of self-esteem as I know I do well in the looks department and am proud of my shape after having 3 kids and am not modest in the least! So that is out of the running for possible reasons why I don't ever want sex. The amount of pain I'm in every waking moment of the day, yet not taking any pain medication besides tylenol, and still cleaning, cooking, baking fresh buns and cookies for his lunches, even cooking roasts just to slice up for his lunch meat for the week,... plus raising our son and arranging his home therapy sessions, and our arragements to take cusstody of my 2 older boys from another marriage, All of which I deal with myself,... and considering that I DO give him sex about once a month, even though it hurts physically and mentally,.. That I am that selfless that I never come first on my list of to do's if at all. He does know he has it good, and does tell me that,.. he just doesn't realize the cost to me on every level of being it takes to just get through a day. We live off of only his income, which is less than 25,000 a yr. I travel via public bus to food banks and stuggle with them to get back home with the stoller and all. We most definately cannot afford a sitter, let alone a maid. Yet,..amidst all of this,.. everyday I laugh and smile. so personally if I ask him to please not suck up and touch or grab me and explain why and how it makes me feel, I think he should respect that to a certain degree. He always says he's afraid he'll lose me, being that I'll leave him,.. I'm not going anywhere and tell him that and that I love him,... but once and again,... in one ear and out the other. Maybe I'm the stupid one here cause even as I write this, I'm looking up recipes to make a nice valentines dinner and heart shaped cookies for his lunch that day as I cannot afford to even buy him a card,...(i'll make him one from me and littleman). Do you know that in over 2 yrs he has only given his son a bath once, as he says it makes him nervous! Hell,... I even take my little guy to the pool Monday nights for water therapy and parent-tot lessons, which is right behind our building, and he's only come with us to just relax and watch once. I know I'm venting here and am probably the pathetic one,.. but really..... I think I've earned that right!!!! Many men should be so lucky.

Christie - posted on 02/10/2011

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I have been here before. Swore off men completely. lol have you tried praying about it? It helped me. Also, sounds as though he ought to pick up some slack around the house and parenting...maybe. just a thought. if you are the one getting up in the middle of the night (as I do as well with my adhd d) and he is getting a well rested night...he should and I would think would Want to help out More with other things . that maybe you dont want to do (cleaning house) or maybe even taking your son out for a short while during the day or evening so that You can have some time to yourself. take a bubble bath shave your legs do your hair and makeup `if you wear it` make YOURSELF feel better even if only for a little while. put on something youuuuuuu consider sexy and when he gets back with your son. either get a sitter and go on a date with him, or put your son to bed. just some thoughts. hope they help. they did for me.

Sarah - posted on 02/10/2011

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I would be willing to bet that your sex drive is still there, you just don't have a connection to your husband anymore. I would talk to your doctor for sure because it could be hormonal even without birth control, but it it's not then you really need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with your man. Now I am NOT a fan of divorce so please don't think that I am suggesting that at all, I really think you can work this out with him. I'm sure he's just as hurt as you are about the whole situation and if he loves you I'm sure he is more than willing to figure out how to get the sexy back. Something that really helps my husband and I is writing letters to each other. It helps get everything out without interruptions. You can read them in different rooms and make notes on things you want to expand on and then come to the table ready to talk. Talking should help a lot, but you have to understand that you can't be afraid to open up to him and embrace even the smallest spark you might feel. it will take some changes and compromises from both of you, but I really hope you can find your connection with him again!! Good Luck

Ashley - posted on 02/09/2011

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I can relate. I have a 1 year old, who teething and waking up at all times of the night, and a baby on the way who gives me nasty heartburn and I m already huge at 5 months, which makes sex uncofortable and painful. My sex drive which use to be very high is so low now, and we have sex maybe once a week. Both him and I are so tired that sex is just not as important. But I miss it, and him too, but it's a hit and run with who ever is in the mood.
I would try to bring the romance back into the marriage.. go for a nice dinner, or have a nice dinner with wine after the baby goes to bed.. we watch movies, and cuddle. It somtimes helps with bringing out the mood..

[deleted account]

I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I have gone through that in the past, and probably will again in the future. Just hang in there, and know there is nothing wrong with you as a woman!

Melissa - posted on 02/09/2011

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I even gave my hubby a book calle dforeplay for women and it was all these things about...helping out more, cleaning more, taking stress out of her life, making her feel like she is on a pedastool but not sexually, and that its all mental...did he get a clue NOOOO!!! I have anxiety and if he would just take a little of that off my plate and make me feel special maybe he would get lucky...clueless I tell ya! And yes I hold sooooo ,uch resentment that I have tried over and over and over and over telling him we need to hash out and he needs to help me get over but he doesnt and the same shit keeps happening...so annoying!

Melissa - posted on 02/09/2011

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OMG ME TOO I NEVER EVER WANT IT>>>i feel bad but ugghh I dont even want him to try and touch me how awfull is that...poor hubby!

Jenn - posted on 02/09/2011

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"Marital duties"? Seriously?!? When you are with someone, you should feel loved and desired. If you're not feeling that way, find out why - then you can find a way to repair those problems. Here's the things - men have sex to feel loved, whereas women have to feel loved to have sex. So if one of us doesn't "give in" first, then nobody wins and nobody is happy. More often than not, once you start cuddling/kissing and touching each other (even if you weren't in the mood) you'll find that you're now in the mood because the touching/physical closeness is making you feel loved. Also, find ways to cut down on your stress and get more sleep (I know that's easier said than done when we have little ones). Ask him what jobs he could do around the house to lighten your load. If you can afford it - why not get someone to come in once a week to clean the house (I don't think it costs a whole lot - maybe $50?) - anything to make your life less stressful and more enjoyable. Also, find some time for yourself, and some alone time for you as a couple. I personally don't have this issue as I couldn't even wait the 6 weeks after the twins were born - it was 3 weeks and I couldn't wait any longer - we were at it like rabbits again.

Lysandra - posted on 02/09/2011

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Goodness this post sounds as if I myself wrote it, I just have no interest in having sex at all and my partner will bug me and drops hints and gets petty about it. I cook, clean bring up my child, clean his clothes, he does nothing to help. When we do have sex I just hope i will not be for long so I can get on with whatever it is i have to do. I feel I can't unwind I'm always thinking of what needs to be done next. Our days as Mother's don't have an end they roll from one to another with only the few hours sleep as break here a man walks in the dorr and BANG his day is over. Also my body doesn't seem my own anymore I could be doing the washing up and he will come behind me and grab my boobs or other parts, thinking it will turn me on, but I just get so angry and feel as if I am nothing but a toy to him. All he seems to want is more, my life is not my life any more and he just seems to want to take everything. i completely sympathise with you and I do believe it is a problem we have that there is probably a treatment for of some kind but sex life seems so little in the big picture of being a mother and wife.

Kelina - posted on 01/25/2011

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I have a question for all of hyou who think she's being selfish or unfair. why should she have to cater to his needs while he completely ignores hers? why should she have to "suck it up and make him feel loved and desired" as Beck put it if he's not reciprocating? she does give in and do it every so often and she's also stated that she's tried talking to him but that's obviously gone nowhere! And Beck no it's not always making love. Sometimes all it is is sex and when that happens somethings gotta change in the relationship. It sounds like that's all it's become for her, and his comments and gestures aren't helping the situation.

User - posted on 01/24/2011

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I am in the exact same situation as you! We have a 10mos old and a 2 1/2 yr old. The whole lack of sex is just fine with me but my husband is far from fine with it. My husband RARELY helps me out with the kids or around the house. When I got pregnant with our 2nd child my husband asked "Was I there for the important part? I don't remember." It is really starting to effect our marriage and may end up being the death of it as well. I wish I could give you some suggestions but I do the same thing as you...cave in once or twice a month just to make him happy. My husband works 3rd shift so we don't sleep in bed at the same time very often. I sleep so much better when he isn't in bed with me. I tend to be happier when he is not around and sleeping all day because that means he isn't groping at me and the "hints" for sex are not there either. When he is off for a few days I can't wait for him to go back to work. I do love him but I just don't want sex with him or anyone else for that matter.

I think I will make my husband read some of these things to show him that I am not the ONLY wife out there with NO sex drive. Don't think it will help, but it is worth a try.

Bonnie - posted on 01/24/2011

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She would have some control yes, but she would be pressured into knowing that the time is coming to do it. For someone who doesn't want it or need it most of the time, that would cause anxiety issues IMO. "Oh I have to be ready to do it by this scheduled date. I have no choice"

Abby - posted on 01/24/2011

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Bonnie, I agree that that can feel like you are being forced, but she already feels that way. At least if it's scheduled, she has some control over the situation.

Beck - posted on 01/24/2011

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I'm sorry but sex is not just for him it is a connection between a man and wife, I mean it is an act of love. I feel the same way I dont want it but I feel so glad to be able to give him what he needs and yes once he has had it it lays off a bit. But come on is it really that hard to suck it up and make him feel loved and respected by giving him such a basic desire he has?

Marysol - posted on 01/24/2011

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I completely understand what you are going thru, it happens a lot more than you would think. And yes you are not alone in this. The only thing that ended up helping me was to be straight forward, truthful, and communicate to my husband WHAT I NEEDED!!! Its hard for them to take in (like a big slap in the face) but they just have to respect and understand as well. I told my husband that i was emotionally or physically drained, that if i had one second of free time it would be consumed by myself. So unless he stepped up and helped more with our son, then i really didn't see how he would fit into my life!! Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of your kid is 24/7, it never stops. As soon as your done cleaning either my husband or chid wool make the area a mess within seconds. We would have sex once every 2 or 3 months just cuz i would give in and felt a little guilty but i told him if i could get to adoring my time again then i would want to include him and his needs. The big issue as well is also your kid....you wont be able to completely relax unless you know that your kid is completely taken care of and honestly doesn't need you for a time period. My son is 16 months old, and he has just recently started going to sleep at his bedtime and in his own room. It was A LOT OF HARD WORK and it defiantly killed me inside during the process, but with my husbands help and my encouragement of how in the end it is for my son's good, to be able to sleep on his own and fully rest without me. It took about 2 or 3 days of saying its bedtime, do your own bedtime routine, tuck him in, say goodnight and close the door behind me. He would cry so loud and desperately, but i had to remain strong. Yes it is the hardest thing to sit there on the other side and listen to your baby cry, but it really works. Proud to say my son now has a bedtime, routine, and kiss goodnight close the door and sleeps thru the night til morning in his own bed in hiw own room. As for my husband and i, after 2 weeks of getting my "me" time in, i started to realize that i had all this free time at night and happy to say we both satisfy our needs several times a week. Its tough, but in time it gets better.....good luck, I hope i helped.

Fallon - posted on 01/23/2011

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Let me just say that the less women have sex, the less they want it. Also sex releases endorphins in brain and makes you happier, less stressed, and better equipped to deal with the stresses that being a stay at home mom causes. I have a son who is 4 who has ADHD and a 11 month old daughter and am pregnant with our third. I have no sex drive right now because I am so tired that sex sometimes feels like it is going to be a chore. But the best way to make you want to have sex with him is to make yourself feel sexy. The sexier you feel the more you will have the desire. This means you relax and have him do the work for the day with the kids on Saturday and that night suggest that if he wakes up with your son that night you might have something special for him. Dressing in something sexy and have sex with him. It will make you feel good about yourself and sexy. It will benefit you a lot, but it will also manipulate him into thinking it is solely for his benefit. And make sure you wake him up at night to uphold his part of the agreement of waking up with ya'll son. This will be all around a good thing for you because you will feel better about your self (feeling sexy) and also getting some help from him and he will develop a desire to be more helpful by giving you an entire day off (and night) and he will be getting sex. Plus believe me sex does reduce stress. It is a win win for all.

Charlie - posted on 01/23/2011

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"Abby, I agree that setting aside time for sex in advance is a good idea, but many people find the idea of sex more attractive if it is a spur of the moment thing. If it's planned they feel forced into having to do it. "

This can be true but if you look at from another angle it is also something to anticipate and get excited over too when you know it is coming .

Bonnie - posted on 01/23/2011

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Abby, I agree that setting aside time for sex in advance is a good idea, but many people find the idea of sex more attractive if it is a spur of the moment thing. If it's planned they feel forced into having to do it.

Abby - posted on 01/23/2011

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I do know exactly where you are coming from. But here's what I think about these situations (including yours), and you're probably not going to like it, because I don't always like it either! But. Why does he have to wait for YOU to be ready? This sounds like it's all about you, and not a whole lot about him. Your needs should be met and so should HIS. After all, he is your husband, and so you each make some sacrifices and sometimes do things you aren't so excited about to keep EACHOTHER happy. So maybe you could agree upon a set "date" each week or month. You know it's coming, so you can prepare yourself, and your husband won't feel like he might never have his needs met. In exchange, you can ask your husband to stop asking all the time. It might be the stress reliever that you both need, and your husband can remain faithful by not having to find another partner. That never works out for the better, I promise. Good luck! I hope things get better for you. :)

Stifler's - posted on 01/23/2011

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My husband doesn't hahaha. He refuses to have sex with me and he's like it's because you want it 5 times a day it makes me not want it at all because there's so much pressure. It really fucking irritates me. I have needs just like he has needs for dinner to be cooked and me to go buy milk etc. It's not all about one person. Sometimes we will go through a phase of having more sex but recently he is just belligerent and "if you didn't want sex and i did I'd give you space". It only frustrates me and makes me bored, argumentative, lazier around the house and want sex and nothing else when he says no. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough and I'm not pretty and often I feel like he says no to piss me off even though he probably just doesn't feel like it.

[deleted account]

oww... poor hubby... why dont u hire a maid to do the chores and u only take cake of ur child (like i do) that helps a lot! :)

Kasey - posted on 01/23/2011

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Emma, i agree with you.If my husband is not reminding me that he wants it, it makes me want it! Also I haven’t read my husband tells me no all the time or he suggested that I find a sex buddy. Maybe we should be thankful that are husbands find us so attractive that they cant help but want to touch us and let us know we are always wanted. I think if my husband ever stopped acting like a pig, I would know its over……

Carol - posted on 01/23/2011

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Im in the same boat, i might want sex once every two weeks or so. I know it frustrates my SO, but i just feel too exhausted by the time we get in bed. I also think my hormone level is off bc ive read that it can happen when you have your tubes tied. It doesnt help that i am bigger than i was when we first met, i have a way lower self esteem now. I am working on that part of myself tho im dieting and exercising so hopefully i can make myself feel sexy again. What i can say is get plenty of rest when you can and maybe talk to your doc bout your hormones being outta wack. Exercise is a good way to help boost energy and make you feel better bout yourself.

Tanya - posted on 01/23/2011

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I completely understand, I'm home all day with a 2 yr old and a 4 month old baby. The thought of having someone touching me is exhausting. My kids hang on me all the time I just want some personal space. I can't even take a bath by myself anymore. I'm lucky my husband is patient but I miss the sex. I just don't have the time or energy. Plus the thought of him touching me makes me exhausted. I like you throw him some every once in a while because hes my man and he needs to know I love him and find him attractive just as much as I need to feel that way. But honestly I would rather have the all by myself me time. It sounds like you haven't had any me time whatsoever that is very important for us to keep our identity. And if your like me you feel like you don't have one. Try taking more me time maybe that will help, it certainly helps me those are the days that I actually want to have sex hubby. To bad I don't to actually go out by myself as often as I would like but they grow up and soon you will have to much time right lol!!! Talk with your husband about it you need to keep the lines of communications open!!!!!!!

Stifler's - posted on 01/22/2011

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He probably does all that specifically because you say no. I know I like to harass my husband because he says no, not always because I want sex.

Elisha - posted on 01/22/2011

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OMG I am right there with u Kari! glad to know I am not alone. We have two kids, a 3 yr old and a 6 month old, and had my tubes tied after my second. even before that I did not care about having sex I mean it was ok once in awhile but my man seems to think he needs it every day, actually if he had his way we would have sex 2-3 times a day!!!REDICULOUS!! it is not neccesary! and he too constantly hints around or asks me ??'s like am I gonna get some head tonight? and I think he does it just to piss me off, he knows it irritates me! and just like u I have told him to go find a sex buddy if he thinks he needs it that bad, Ireally do not care, but he won't for whatever reason. and I do all the SAHM stuff, he puts a load of laundry in once in a while big whoop right? idk what to do either. I tell him that when he wants to start doing some stuff around the house so I can have "me" time then I might want to have sex, but when I spend all my time on housework and kids I want to spend my down time doing things for myself, since nobody else does!

Merideth - posted on 01/22/2011

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You're not the only one out there that feels this way...I've been with my husband for 10 years and I have no desire either...I don't feel like other people should be making you feel bad for feeling this way...why should you have to give in when you don't feel like it...why doesn't he respect your feelings enough to back off for a while?

Christa - posted on 01/22/2011

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Im going through the same thing and thats exactly what Ive been doing!! Its working for us!!

Kristen - posted on 01/22/2011

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I feel the same way!! My son is 19 months and Im positive hes hyperactive.. on top of that I work three jobs... and cook and clean Im lucky if I get 3 hours of sleep at night.. Im totally wiped out all the time!!! Sex is the last thing I want to do when I have a few minutes to my self! Good luck Kari!!

Nayuribe - posted on 01/21/2011

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i have sex with my bf atleast twice a week just to keep him happy, that's easier than dealing with a moody guy around the house. it's not such a big deal for me, since i don't really care for sex, so i just go through the moves till he's happy, he even lets me watch tv while he does his little number. other times i tell him i'm really tired so he settles for a quicky, sacrifice 10 mins of sleep and in return you get a happy, willing to take out the trash bf!!! yeay! you could use it for ur advantage, that's what i do, LOL. GOOD LUCK!!

Annie - posted on 01/21/2011

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Everything you said is exactly how I feel! I wish I could help, but maybe I can get some help too from other women's comments. I think that we are so needed all day long that by the time the kids are in bed we just want to be left alone! I know it's hard for men to understand. They don't get how physically and emotionally exhausting being a mom really is!

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