I don't want or feel like having sex,....EVER!!

Kari - posted on 01/17/2011 ( 106 moms have responded )

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Ok,.. here is the deal,.. and I know I'm not alone here. I don't have a sex drive anymore, I don't want it, don't need it. Of course my other half says he'll be patient,... NOT! About once every month or 2 I'll give in, and even though I'm not in the mood,.. I'll walk in the bedroom and make him happy just so he'll stop being a grumpy, moody man. What ticks me off though is that he knows I don't want to,.. but he doesn't seem to care. What makes me want to punch him,... is when he not -so-subtly reminds me that he wants sex. Ex: I'm washing dishes, cleaning, trying to deal with my 2yr old( who has ADHD), and the hubby says something like," I wonder when Daddy is gonna get lucky,.. hopefully soon." I've told him many times before,. "I know you want it, you always do,.. but please stop dropping stupid hints and reminders around me. I'll come to you when I want sex." He doesn't seem to be hearing me. He still drops hints. I remind him that the hinting just stands to piss me off, but he keeps doing it. Every single time I feel like turning around and punching him and say that since he had to drop another hint, knowing how I feel,.. that he's never gonna get sex again. I've even told him to go find a sex buddy,.. I don't care. I know I don't want it and men seem to need it. I tell him I love him, but if that's what he needs to be in a good mood,.. go find it. Of course he doesn't believe it so I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't actually slept in the same bed as him for over a yr as I have to sleep on a special matress on the floor for my back,.. and with my 2 yr old as he gets night terrors due to the ADHD. I'm tired, worn-out and for those who question,.. I have my tubes tied,.. no birth control,.. but do take other meds that don't help the libido either. Arrrrrgggg. I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm not doing my womanly responsibilties,.. yet I do everything as a SAHM. Not once has he gotten up at night with his son, cause he sleeps so deep, I can't even wake him. I cook, bake, clean. He cooks once in a while and does dishes but I feel it's more to try to suck up to me so I'll put out. Any suggestions? I'm so done that I'm not even sure I like men anymore....lol.

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Kristen - posted on 01/22/2011

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I feel the same way!! My son is 19 months and Im positive hes hyperactive.. on top of that I work three jobs... and cook and clean Im lucky if I get 3 hours of sleep at night.. Im totally wiped out all the time!!! Sex is the last thing I want to do when I have a few minutes to my self! Good luck Kari!!

Nayuribe - posted on 01/21/2011

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i have sex with my bf atleast twice a week just to keep him happy, that's easier than dealing with a moody guy around the house. it's not such a big deal for me, since i don't really care for sex, so i just go through the moves till he's happy, he even lets me watch tv while he does his little number. other times i tell him i'm really tired so he settles for a quicky, sacrifice 10 mins of sleep and in return you get a happy, willing to take out the trash bf!!! yeay! you could use it for ur advantage, that's what i do, LOL. GOOD LUCK!!

Annie - posted on 01/21/2011

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Everything you said is exactly how I feel! I wish I could help, but maybe I can get some help too from other women's comments. I think that we are so needed all day long that by the time the kids are in bed we just want to be left alone! I know it's hard for men to understand. They don't get how physically and emotionally exhausting being a mom really is!

Stephanie - posted on 01/21/2011

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I totally understand where you're coming from.. I have the same problem. I had the essure procedure done 8 wks after my second was born. I am 24- I wanted 2 more kids but either the baby or I or both could die... Anyways, I am a SAHM as well with a 26 month old and 13 1/2 month old. We have sex once or twice a month... He does nothing but complain but there are other, more serious problems that attribute to our "intimate" relationship. We have agreed to go to counceling together. I know how you feel- in every aspect. I usually sleep on the couch...Feel free to send a msg if u wanna talk

Susie - posted on 01/21/2011

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the thing is most men fall in love AFTER sex as we fall in love before. if he were to have sex with a woman no matter how much he loves you hes still a man and if she can do all the things you can do and still pleasure him hes guna want the shiny new toy that works not the toy he got for christmas when he was 5....you would be going down a very painful path if he got a fuck buddy...i can guarentee he wouldnt like it if you got a male maid to always be around and help you with the baby and the house chores either way no one wins

Beth - posted on 01/21/2011

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Kari I am not talking about all kids there are exceptions & by all means if you have one of the exceptions then take the steps to care for that child the way they need to be cared for. I am not talking about those children I am talking about the ones that really don't have anything wrong with them, but the parents treat them as if they have something wrong so they can medicate & get their kid to stop bothering them. It's called parenting for a reason. ADHD is being overly diagnosed these days & it seems that it is being diagnosed earlier & earlier. Give them a label, but don't give them meds. Meds can effect these kids in negative ways. There are trainings & self control classes & other things to do other than meds.
BTW I have 5 kids & my twins have ADHD, bipolar, ODD & a few others. They are now 20yrs old, but because I treated them early they are very resentful to me, they hated the meds & tried to get me to stop giving them to them. I thought I knew what was best & come to find out it would have been better without the meds. I speak from years of going through the same crap many of ya'll have went through. I still have trouble with the sex drive & my husband is like most of ya'll's. It is due to alot of wife pressures. We get overwhelmed & the first thing that goes is our sex drive. I have been through all of this & have more years & more kids than prob most of you. I am not a know it all, but in my family I am called the wizard cause if I don't know the answer I will find it out & I am right. I thank God for that gift!!! It has been a true blessing at times.
I am sorry I really do not mean to offend anyone or make anyone mad.

Amanda - posted on 01/21/2011

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Just an opinion but it looks like you are ok with how things are and you needed to just vent...I was gonna say maybe try marriage counseling but i think you know what the problem is and there is no way of fixing it is one thing that you just have to deal with....Good luck!

Kari - posted on 01/21/2011

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Bravo Jessica! You are right. It's also especially tough when we have to care for chanenged ( I call my son that instead of disabled) kids. My son does, contrary to what Beth said above, have a rare form of infant onset ADHA and suspected high functioning autism. She talks about giving him a label though his life,..... who the hell cares. He's special and he's mine. As hair pulling as he can be,.. I wouldn't change a thing. Hell,.. I'm proud that he's just learned his first definative sign in sign language,. starting the slow road to communicating. As Jessica and a few others can see,.. there are other things more important than sex. Time will tell in all our relationships how things will go,.. but I've seen men leave women even when they put out regularily. This is maybe not a choice for some of us to feel this way,.. but the fact is we do,. and it is not always a medical problem,.. sometimes it's just a men problem!!

Jessica - posted on 01/21/2011

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OMG!!!! You are NOT alone!!!! You sound EXACTLY like me except i dont even bother with the occasional 'roll in the hay'--I have ZERO interest, desire, whatever. I couldnt care if we never had sex again!!!! And he constantly drops 'hints'....humping me while im trying to wash dishes or change our girls diaper or whatever! Which just infuriates me because im the only one who cleans, cooks, takes care of her (im a SAHM) 24/7 and i NEVER get a break-not even to take a shower!!! Which i have tried to explain to him and his reply was 'if you want a break, go back to work'. Our daughter is considered 'disabled'-she would never survive (or thrive) in any sort of 'daycare' situation and he fails to understand this as well. We havent slept in the same bed either in almost 2years now. I dont know what the answer is but i just wanted you to know that your not alone!!!!

Autumn - posted on 01/21/2011

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get a divorce if its that hard for you to want it anymore.we all kno ur tired.make him help u .if he doesnt then he isnt worth staying with anyways.

Nicole - posted on 01/20/2011

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I couldn't even imagine feeling that way! I'm so sorry!! I'm actually in your husbands shoes (not to that extent) Have you thought about seeing someone for it?! Do you think maybe your depressed? Just a few thoughts...Hope things get better for you :/

Kasey - posted on 01/20/2011

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I posted this on another page and hope this might help. Also tell him to help out alot more and you NEED you time he works from 7 to 7 ( or somthing) and you work 24-7!! take some time a day or 2 for yourself!! Do you have family close? maybe they can take the kids for a day.

I had the same problem but I only had sex once a week not three. I do disagree with some of what I read I do think sex is impotent in a relationship but if you don’t have sex with your husband that does not give him permission or a excuse to look somewhere else! since I felt It was important I wanted to change how I felt about it. Some of the things I tried were finding 10 minutes during the day when I could be alone and think about “what I like.” This seemed to work the best for me, also your estrogen is highest in the morning which means that would be the best time ( if you can wake up 10-20 min earlier) didn’t work for me, lol. My favorite thing that I did was bought some lotion that I liked and told him to give me a back massage. ( there are some good videos on u tub that you can encourage him to watch that will teach him how to give you a GOOD erotic massage)!! One other thing I have done is tell him what I want, when he is doing it how I like it I let him know. At first I didn’t want to hurt his fillings and I think I did at first when i would say I don’t really like something, but now its easy to talk to him and in return he is able to tell me what he likes and doesn’t. I did learn things I didn’t know! Some people might disagree with me but I do think guys like to please there lady, I know I want to make him happy.
I hope some of my tips can help someone!

Bec - posted on 01/20/2011

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I hear you..I've been there & its not fun. You are mentally & physically exhausted which is going to effect your moods & sex drive.
You need to find sometime/something to do for yourself that makes you happy. It doesn't have to take hours. It can be going for a walk, having a massage, playing a sport, anything! You need to look after yourself , men & women are wired completely different. They will never understand us & we will never really understand them!

I hope thins start to get better for you soon.

Beth - posted on 01/20/2011

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First get the doc to change your meds, if you are on antidepressants ask for something that doesn't effect your sex drive. 2 get the book ATired Womens Guide To Passionate Sex. 3 your hubby will leave you soon if you don't get help. It is you & not him on this one. I was there right with you, but I have gotten the help that I needed & things are getting back on track. Sounds like you are depressed.

Dad does need to pitch in & help more. Not sure what dad does for work, but just because they work doesn't mean they don't need to help. Now my husband is a truck driver & isn't home but on the weekends, so I don't ask him for alot, but if he was home all week he would be doing something.

This last point & I am sorry if you don't like it, but a 2yr old can not & does not have ADHD! Don't do that to your child! Your child is being a normal kid, if you label him now he will carry that label for life & you will also treat him different. The night terrors are normal for a 2yr old, mine went through it get some herbal stuff called Calm Child & give it 3 times a day it does wonders & helps them to calm down!

GL

Kelina - posted on 01/20/2011

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I'd say he needs to start pitching in around the house a little more, letting you get some time to yourself and the see if he still feels like sex or if you get your sex drive back! I know I don't feel like sex at all right now but I've got the whole family on a new healthy lifestyle(hard to do when your MIL is always dropping off candy and other crap at your house) and now I'm starting to feel a little more sexy, my body is starting to say well maybe we'll think about sex soon. I take care of my two kids all day long and rarely get any time to myself so I know a little how you feel. I got a long enough bath last night to shave my legs! First time in like two months. Yes men seem to need it. A friend of mine once told me that the emotional equivalent of sex for men is a woman hearing I love you for the first time. And I'm sorry for being blunt but womanly duties? and not being fair or being selfish? that's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! It hasn't been considered a womanly duty in my family since y grandmothers generation. I'm all for keeping my man happy but make him happy and in return feel cheap and miserable-not happening! To be the best mother I can be and deal with both kids all day long and the baby half the night? I don't need to battle depression on top of that which is exactly what it sounds like having sex with him is making you feel. You're trying but it doesn't sound like he is. My husband is currently going to school but when he worked he came home and had to help with his son, and now he comes home and helps with both kids. When our son is up in the night we trade off(doesn't happen very often) As a result he's as tired as I am and even though he wants it respects me enough to not bug me until I'm ready. He's helping me get some time to myself. It doesn't sound like you're getting that. I've also seen you say that you're marriage is good in all other aspects but that one, but do you honestly feel he's respecting you if he's always bugging you? You also said you feel like he only does dishes or cooks to suck up so you'll put out. what does that sound like to you? If you were looking at this as someone else's post what would you think?

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I suggest you talk to ur obgyn they can help with sex drive issues. Obviously this problem is causing you to resent your husband which isnt good for the marriage or your children. Besides everyone deserves to enjoy sex with there significant other go to the doctor and see if the can help you. Maybe the hubby will be more understanding if he knows you are trying to work thru it. :) good luck I hope everything works out for you. I think to some extent its normal when you have young kids too but its still worth asking a doctor.

Tiffany - posted on 01/20/2011

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Kari! honey i feel the same way as you... i dont want it, dont need it and stay the eff anyway from me kinda att too.. i find it hard to switch from ponytail scrubs and holes in my clothes next to the stains mommy to hott sexy god wifey for him.... i cant make the switch, im sorry your going through this but hey your not alone chick!

Trish - posted on 01/19/2011

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Awww never say never"...you may at this moment and for a while may not want to have sex...but who knows in the future you might start feeling the itch again. By the sounds of it...you sound stressed to the max...and maybe need some time to relax and unwind. Plus it sounds like you're under alot of pressure from everyone...your husband and your child with ADHD. Must be hella hard.I know as a woman our duties are never-ending and we expect our men to listen and understand. That's the thing...Men are not able to understand and fully listen to us, unless they have a vagina or are the rare and few who care enough to show a lady empathy.



Your partner is like any other typical male who thinks with the nad bags. But don't write yourself off as not wanting to have sex EVER. I know having a baby is pretty traumatic for our lady bits. Give it time...I don't know if you have anyone you trust that you could leave your son for a couple of hours or over night just for you to have some "Me" time every now and then. "Me" time is good to get back in touch with yourself. In that time you could Masturbate even! Having an orgasm or a climax, its good not only for your body but also your spirit!



Also you should hint back to your partner that he needs to be more romantic and do more than just a few chores to get into your pants (like get up at night to tend to your boy and let you have a sleep thru). Every woman from time to time should feel sexy. And sex is good for you...helps release that stress too.



But honestly do you really want him to go out and have sex with another woman? For men sex is also bonding to them...and you don't know if he has sex with another, you might lose him. I know we moan about our men...and they're not perfect just as we are. We are the lucky ones to have a man. I have friends who are single who are envious that I am in a relationship,because for them doing it alone is hard. Don't push him away in frustration you'll end up losing him. Give it time... hopefully things will come right for you.

Pam - posted on 01/19/2011

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at first my sex drive was completely gone.nothing turned me on but now...lol god knows.um bk to the old me.any time of the day its on.lol

Charlie - posted on 01/19/2011

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But all I gather from all this is you want it your way and are giving no lee way to his emotional and physical needs but expect him to meet your needs .

He needs to work on being there for you , to take part in daily home life to give you some respite and you need to work on getting your sex drive back , it seems like a fair deal to me , it's give and take .

Nikkole - posted on 01/19/2011

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@Kari i know how you feel about being mentally exhausted my husband says he works hard (and he does) but i honestly dont think he could stay home all day with our kids he would go crazy not to mention the house work would NEVER get done! I dont think men realize how much mental stress kids can put on you sometimes!

Kari - posted on 01/19/2011

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Not to mention,.. he doesn't have nor understand the other stresses I have besides being a SAHM. He's only physically tired when he gets home from work. By then I'm tired physically and utterly exhausted mentally,.. but I'm still on shift,... hell,.. I can't even remember the last time I had a bath! ( I do shower daily though...lol)

Kari - posted on 01/19/2011

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Thank you Kerrie!!!!!! You did hit it on the head! I never asked to lose my sex drive,.. but I did. All my medical tests are normal,.. had a therapist, tried everything and have been told there is nothing that can be done,.. IT HAPPENS! Regular check-ups and time is all you can do. I also think that if you hubby would permanemtly end thing because of that,.. just means your relationship isn't strong enough to begin with to make it through these tough times with little to no sex. My hubby may be annoying the crap out of me and wishing I'd have sex more often,.. but he wouldn't consider leaving over this issue. We do have alot more in common than just the bedroom. We only don't see eye to eye on this subject.

Juliette - posted on 01/19/2011

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you're not alone I feel the same way about sex,I have no desire for it and I believe that it is becuse I am going through menapause right now,hopefully my feelings will change,I love my husband dearly and he deserves to be happy too.Sometimes we need to put that feeling aside and think about how the men in our lives are dealing with our situation.

Katie - posted on 01/19/2011

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I agree in a way. I really don't have the problem with getting in the mood. Sometimes I just don't want to take the effort to actually do the act. I'm tired, and I know that if we have sex, I'll have to get up early to take a shower so that I don't stink of sex. I don't want to get up any earlier than I already have to. He does complain, but after talking to him about it, he doesn't push it anymore.

Tana - posted on 01/19/2011

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i totally understand all of you that feel this way!!!! depression, being a sahm feeling lonely and secluded, being really annoyed with a husband that just doesnt get it, being overly tired and moody, and all around burnt out! i totally understand ladies!!!!!!

Tana - posted on 01/19/2011

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omg! i totally understand 100%!!!!! i have said exactly your words a thousand times before! get your hormone levels checked! i felt the same way and had some other issues besides this, but my hormone levels were out of wack and i had to go on a hormone to replace what i was lacking...was only on it until i got pregnant with my 2nd child and then i have been fine since. i'd look into it if i were you. you never know...could be a thyroid issue also.

Kerrie - posted on 01/19/2011

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Wow there are a lot of ladies here that don't seem to understand. She is not being selfish. Losing your sex drive is not a choice. And happens to a lot of women after having a baby, or even during pregnancy. I know exactly how she feels. I didn't willing lose my sex drive. But when i got pregnant with my son I DID LOSE IT. It was frustrating at first because I wasn't used to feeling like that. And I too got frustrated with my man wanting it all the time when I totally didnt at all. I found after having my second child I seemed to be in a better state which I have also heard of as being common. Losing it with the first and getting it back with the second. Ladies if its never happened to you then you can't understand what its like and shouldnt be so harsh. You can't comprehend the situation. Losing your sex drive is serious, its depressing and hard on everyone. Its not a choice! And it sounds like she needs more help that he husband is giving her, but that doesn't make you lose your sex drive. Stress can make you want it less. But to totally lose it has nothing to do with it. I know exactly how she feels.

Candy - posted on 01/19/2011

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My Hubby is great dont get me wrong BUT I have very little sex drive now and he dosnt have much of one either. What bothers me is he gets all loving and sweet on the days he wants sex the rest of the time he is normal guy. That drives me nuts. When he does get like that I dont want a thing to to with it or him. I had to have a partical hestorectomy in Oct. i am still getting over the lose of children I will never have. I gained alot of weight over our 11 years of marriage due to illness. So I dont feel good about my self. I dont know how to address this with him. I told him I know when you want sex but he dosnt see anything wrong with the way of going about it. I wish he would be sweet and all with me on days when he does want sex. The I think I would feel like I would want it more. Of course one person once told me you can get in the habit of saying no. Trust me i could say no quiet often.

Stifler's - posted on 01/19/2011

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This sounds pretty unhealthy to me. Something has to give. You will both just get more unhappy if someone doesn't change their attitude.

Kari - posted on 01/19/2011

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Ok, I've read all the comments so far, and to clear a few things up for those who feel I'm being selfish and not caring about his needs,... must have missed the part where at least once a month or so I do give in to satisfy his needs. We do still hug and kiss and leave little notes for each other, but to much physical playfulness, even a splap in the butt, will turn him on and then he wants sex. So He prefers that I don't play with him in that flirting way if I'm not going to put out right then. See, he ALWAYS wants it, whether I do or not,.. and I won't give over my body just to satisy him sexually if it's going to make me feel cheap. I do everything else there is to do for him,.. cook dinner everynight, with him helping ocasionally. I Bake cookies just for his lucnh, as well as home-made cheese buns for his sandwiches. We are happy in all aspe ts of our live but sexually. He always wants it,.. I could live without it. And honestly,... no,.. it would not bother me at all if his sexual needs were met elsewhere,.. it would be a relief for us both,.. he's just scared that I'd use it against him down the road. We have talked about it. Something else that I did not mention above is besides dealing with my 2yr with ADHD and high fucntioning autism is the fact that when my ex-husband and I split,.. I willing took jiont cusstody with my ex being the primary caregiver and me take the access visits as he has a very high paying job and could afford to keep them in a house and same school to provide some stability in thier lives. I had never even worked in this province before and didn't want to drag my boys all over the place as per my occupation. Now though, I'm going for custody of them as they are not happy there anymore as the ex is ignoring all of our divrce aggreement. That extra stress alone adds up to not help with the sex drive too. I have also talked to my doctor and had blood tests to test levels, gone to see specialists and thereapists. NOTHING is wrong with me,.. not to mention,.. I did find out that if a man gets upset at you because you are not in the mood,.. and contunues to verbally take it out on you,.. it IS a form of sexual abuse. My hub does understand this but gets very frustrated as he just can't see how stress can affect a woman sex drive and what staying at home with a developmentally challenged child full time, 24/7 has to do with it. See, I don't get a break from being a mother. He has no family,.. I only have my mother left alive,..and she lives 3 time zones away. We are quite isolated because of all this. I'm a proud mom and homemaker,.. my hubby knows this and does quite well respect this. But,... he is still just a man who still thinks most of the time with a certain part of his anatomy that overrides all other thinking. Quite simply, I don't need it,.. he does.

Lisa - posted on 01/19/2011

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i am 39(soon to be 40 in feb) And after having my daughter 4yrs ago, my sex drive went downhill. i just dont have the deisre to have it anymore. my husband gets very flustered, and has an attitude and a half when he doesnt what he wants. maybe once a month we have sex. and even then, i just dnt seem to enjoy it anymore.,...i just givew in to make him happy i know a few people who are in the same situation. i am afraid my daughter will wake up, and walk in on us for one thing. and by the time 10pm rolls around, im exhausted, and sex is the last thing on my mind. i deal with my 4yr old all day by myself, i get her up for pre school, send her off for two hrs, then she comes home, and plays all day, non stop! i am beat by the time hubby gets home from work at 5pm, after i ut the kid to bed, i soon follow. i am usualy asleep with her sometimes around 9pm! so you arent alone trsut me!

Lydia - posted on 01/19/2011

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yah, the baby changes everything, especially this one thing. sex feelings are mainly hormon driven and the thing is that the longer you don't do it the harder it gets to get into the mood (at least for females). the more sex you have the easier it gets to get into the mood and actually enjoy it and again feel a need for it. it's like your sexy lady hormons went on a long maternity leave and you got to get them back to work. sex is important to a relationship, maybe not the most important... but important enough for a guy to stick around! maybe try to take some time to remember when you where in love, watch the wedding video, memories of honeymoon... you know kindle the fire! also the nice happy hormons being poured out in your body through sex actually might help you to be altogether happier.
I am a SAHM too and sometimes I am just waiting for my hubby to come home so I can dumb our daughter on him and relax, but if I was working out of the home that's not how I would want to be welcomed by him. So sometimes I prepare a little something romantic (which actually gets me in the mood for sex - even though I didn't feel like it when I made the decision) and I give him a flirty call so he knows something nice awaiting him at home...

Maria - posted on 01/18/2011

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OMG!!! I thought I was the only one feeling like this. I have 5 kids. the oldest 14yrs old and the youngest is 1 yr old. There's times he does the same thing. WHat really pisses me off is when he starts grabing me or rubbing on me while I'm cooking or cleaning. I don't know what the problem is, I just don't want it anymore. Like I feel like I can live without it. He rearly wakes up with the kids and when he does, I have to hear about it all dam day. I'm a stay at home mom so I think he feels I HAVE to do it all. He doesn't want to change them, help bath them NEVER helps with home work with my 6 yr old that is alo being checked for ADHD. I've been dealing with depresstion and he does not help. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather be without him then be with him. I've been married for 16 yrs and not the happiest 16 years either. I know how you feel. I'm going through the same crap too. Good luck.

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@ Least you’re husband does something around the house I know what you’re talking about I had a similar experience what I did I open up to my husband and talk about it he understood we started being boyfriend again with the hole flowers thing ,movies, making out here and there.
Hope this works for you

Lubna - posted on 01/18/2011

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I sympathize with you. I just got back from the doctor's office and discussed that very same issue. The lack of sex drive can happen for many reasons. You want to know the main one...being tired! It happens to most women with small children. Sex can even be painful or uncomfortable since the libido is low so are other things that facilitate intercourse. If you really want your husband to hear you, then you need to give him ways to help you get some good sleep and relaxation away from your little cutie. Give him ways to help you achieve this so that you two can connect again. You'll find that both of you are much happier for it.

Nikkole - posted on 01/18/2011

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This was actually brought up in another thread but some dont believe this but when my husband was in college he had to read a book about why we do the things we do and one part was about cheating you should read it (i am in no way excusing any man that cheats) its called mean genes! Men have the urge to spread there seed (saying it nicely) its pretty much ingrained into there DNA they have to breed (not necessarily have children but have sex) This book explains not all men will cheat on there wifes if they are not getting sex thats where morals and stuff come in but it could happen ( now cheating could be other things than having sex such as porn,strip clubs,sexting and sex) You said you told him to go out and find a sex buddy but IM SURE if he did it would hurt you to no end have you guys tried talking to someone maybe that would help!

Amber - posted on 01/18/2011

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I had the exact opposite problem for a while. We went to counseling and the doctor told us that it was because he saw me as a 'mother' and not a 'woman'. We would go for several months at a time without it. And I can't even begin to tell you what it did to my self esteem.
I never felt good about myself in his presence. When I went out with friends, I'd put on cute outfits and I felt sexy. Then I'd come home and hurry into sweats and a baggy t-shirt because I felt so ugly and wanted to hide in them. It was a very dark time in our relationship.
We finally came to a compromise. There were a few things about me that were irritating him (stupid little things), I agreed to do those things his way, because they were unimportant to me and important to him. And in return, we set a sex schedule.
It doesn't sound like fun. And the first few times were not earth moving. But I started feeling more confident and that increased his attraction to me.
We take a weekly bath together. And now, it's a few times a week and both of us initiate it and want it that often.
So, while it's not a lot of fun to schedule sex and deal with all the unhappy feelings, going through all of that helped us get to a wonderful place in our relationship. And we've maintained that happy place.

Bonnie - posted on 01/18/2011

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Just looking back Kari, I am curious about something. It's just a question, so please don't take it the wrong way. You told your husband that if he wants sex to go find a 'sex buddy'. Honestly, how would you feel if he took your advice? Would you seriously be okay with that? Because he would literally be going behind your back to someone else and then what would you do when you are in the mood for it? Just curious.

Katie - posted on 01/18/2011

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I understand somewhat how you feel but my way is different. I am on birth control and my sex drive is so low. My fiance' always bugs me about sex. He'll say things like...you don't love me anymore or I'm not sleeping in the same bed as you for the rest of the week. So what do i do to make him happy....i give him sex just so he is satisfied. But there are times where i make love to him when i am in the mood. I agree with the others....have some alone time together just the 2 of you and who knows, maybe you'll want to have sex with him. Good Luck!!!!!!

Mabel - posted on 01/18/2011

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Bravo,Olivia! Very well said and I agree that we as women tend to put everything and everyone before us.Of course we are the mothers that take care of our families and we deserve some time and attention just as much as the other members but we are always the last to realize that too.Take some time and sit in the tub.I refuse to give that part of my week up for anyone!Don't yell for Mommy or ask me when dinner is ready while I am in there.You have a daddy and he can cook and help out while I am indisposed!!!Hahaha.Take what you need for you to get back to yourself and I guarantee you will start feeling better about you as a person and you as a sexy woman.Let the rest just fall into place behind you.Hope this helps and I would love to hear how you are dealing later on.

Olivia - posted on 01/18/2011

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I know where you are coming from. feminism has come a long way, but why are women still forcing themselves to perform "marital duties" as I call them. We have a six month old and have had sex twice in that time. I find it uncomfortable and a bit painful now. That doesn't help the sex drive that hasn't existed in me for the last 8years or so. My husband is becoming more moody and I notice more choosy about when he says i love you and holds back affection. None of that helps me feel like I want to seduce him.

For you though, it kind of sounds like two seperate issues. The first being you and your husband not getting on, I'm getting that you feel a lot of anger and resentment toward him? (sorry if I've got that wrong). Perhaps if you can sort that out, the desire might start to come back?

I suggest trying to talk to him or write your issues and feelings down for him to read. Males are genrally oposed to counselling, but you could try?

You also sound like you need a break and a bit of pampering. I think sometimes we get so involved in being a mum that we forget that we are even human, let alone, remembering that we are beautiful and feminine women with our own brains, personalities and lives.

Good luck to you and take care of you.

Lisa - posted on 01/18/2011

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Alicia - But there is a difference. Both you and your husband are satisfied. Even though you are not having intercourse, you have an intimacy level. Her husband seems to be reaching out for some type of intimacy and her response was, "Get a sex buddy." Yes, a relationship can survive without intercourse but a husband and wife need to have some level of intimacy and be on the same page regarding that intimacy or there are going to be problems.

Alicia - posted on 01/18/2011

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Tiziana-like I stated in my long first post, lol, my husband and I havent had sex in 6 months and our 'normal' sex is every 2-3 months, and we are both happy with it, we laugh & play & wrestle, we have fun together and yet we still hug and kiss, smack and grab each other's butts, have that cute lovey dovey talk, act lovey dovey with each other, snuggle up together, then ....we both wanna go to sleep. we would both rather sleep than anything else because we are both so tired. we both cook in the evenings, even after his hard day at work, sometimes he comes home and cooks on top of that. but as Tonya mentioned, you have to FEEL sexy! As I stated before, my hubby and I are both overweight. It doesnt bother me he's overweight, it doesnt bother him that Im overweight, although with me, I'm the self conscious one! I hate that fat feeling and it surely doesnt help with wanting sex. lol!

Mabel - posted on 01/18/2011

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I told my husband one night that I wasn't in the mood and he got really quite,then he asked me if he could do anything for me.I told him it is hard to feel like sex when you don't feel sexy.I gave a few pointers and well you can figure out the rest. hehe.

Mabel - posted on 01/18/2011

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Tshanna,I have to agree with Alicia on the whole respect issue includes Both partners.I don't think it is being selfish to not want it.The thing about sex is both partners need to want it or it is basically one person TAKING what they want without a care to the others feelings.Does that sound like something you would put your partner through?I can understand from both sides how each person feels because in my house I want it and my husband is always so tired .That leaves me feeling like there is something wrong with me ,which I know there is not.I just have more of a sex drive than he does and I also am a SAHM.I get more down time and I get to sleep more also.He comes home eats and sleeps on the couch till bed time.I am the one up until 2 am.But anyway I am digressing and the point I am trying to make is this.It is her body,her decision and if she wants to have sex then she needs to make the time to enjoy it too.

Alicia - posted on 01/18/2011

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A couple can be happy, loving, caring, affectionate, have fun, & still be together without sex being on a "have-to" basis! I go out of my way and bend over backwards, as do alot of people, to make their families happy....but that also INCLUDES ME! If you are having sex to shut him up and it isnt making you happy, then I think you need to take into consideration! You're respecting him by satifying his urges, well he needs to respect that fact that you dont want it! You may be married, but it is still YOUR body and YOUR life and YOU can make those decisions!

Tshanna Ele - posted on 01/18/2011

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How would you feel if you wanted sex all the time, and he never ever gave it to you? You need to be more empathetic. And I don't see him being the "grump" here as you put it. You are being very selfish and self-centered in my opinion. Sex is a beautiful thing that we give to our partners because we care about them. If you don't want sex, what do you want?

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