I feel like I am failing at being a wife and a mother...Need some advice...

Annie - posted on 04/05/2010 ( 61 moms have responded )

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I have this picture in my head of what kind of wife, mom, and person I want to be. My desire is not to be perfect and to do it all, but to be that anchor that my family holds to. I know that my house is going to get messy and the kids are going to fight and that my husband is not always going to be able to understand me or be able to read my mind, but I want to be there for my family.
The last few weeks I have felt like I have not been that anchor; well not the sort of anchor I want to be. I am more like the kind that is drowning her whole family instead of being stead fast and immovable. Over this weekend my husband let me sleep in and once I woke up everything seemed happy, but the moment I walk into the room everyone needs or wants or demands and all heck breaks loose. I can't balance the house and the kids. Either I clean and the kids scream all day or I spend time with the kids and the house is a wreck. My husband is stressed by me which is the hardest part to handle. He works 12 hour days, comes home trys to help out give me everything I need. He does so much for me; anything, from cleaning, playing with the kids, letting me sleep in, taking the baby at night, letting me get away from the house at night when he gets home so I can have a break from the kids. But then after so long he vents his frustrations about how he doesn't understand me, that he can't do the right thing for me, that I am going to to have to deal with my problems by myself because he cant hold my hand through everything because he is a flopper.
We talk all the time to each other, but he doesn't talk to me about what will help me he just goes and does it. For example one day he will take the kids so I can clean and I will be so happy with the alone time, but he will offer another day, but I know he is going to spend the rest of the day working on the house and I won't see him so I ask if I come too and then he gets mad because he thought he was helping me, but he doesn't give me a chance to tell him I just wanted to spend time together as a family. So we go out together as a family but it's not happy. I am crying and he is frustrated and there is no happy anything just frustration and tears.
He tells me not to hold myself to such a high standard, but it's hard not to be critical of myself when my family seems to be so stressed out or unhappy and it all points to me. I want to be a wife and mother who holds her family together, but all I seem to be doing is messing everything up. I don't want to be the person who pushes her husband away or her children never want to talk to when they grow up. I don't want to fail....
Has anyone out there had rough times and have been able to climb out of it to be a better person. I love my family and I don't want to be stuck as this same person. I always want to be better to work toward something better for my family. Any advice?

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Kristin - posted on 04/05/2010

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It sounds like you are holding yourself to a standard that you aren't admitting to. You know in your head what the reality of family life is, but you still strive for the "perfect" picture. Can you maybe find a middle ground? You don't say what age your kids are. Kids can start taking on some responsibilities at a younger age than many give them credit for or choose to. Even a two year old can help with picking up their toys.



That's wonderful that your husband helps as much as he does after his work day. Do you tell him how much you appreciate what he has done? My husband is more amenable to my specific requests after a little praise for what he's done (even when it isn't what or how I want something done). Perhaps you two need to start scheduling in date lunches/nights; something just for the two of you to reopen lines of communication. As for family time together, if everyone pitches in to clean up, then everyone can go do something together. I've got two 5 and under, as well as a third due in 8 weeks, so I do know how challenging the previous statement actually is.



I absolutely understand how frustrating being a parent and SAHM is. It seems like it should be so much easier than it is. I have found that as long as I work/parent in a fashion that is true to myself then I am less nuts and stressed. Sometimes I need to just clean. I know that my kids are safe inside our home and they will find a way to entertain themselves and will learn to work through whatever drama is currently plaguing them. Sometimes, I just want to sit with them and play/snuggle/read/etc., the dishes and vacuuming can wait. Most of this time, I can find a balance that works. On the days when all of it must be done, timers help. I set a timer for 20 minutes and alternate between the kids and the housework. It's not ideal, but I get what I need done, mostly. And they get my undivided attention for some of the time.



I guess my biggest bit of advice would be to sit down and really think about what your priorities are. Heck, make a list of what you want to accomplish and what is really important. Most of what we think is vital is really just distracting noise. Your family will benefit from your finding balance for yourself. Don't be afraid to ask for help in finding it.



I hope this helps or at least gives you a little peace of mind in knowing that you are not alone. We all feel this way at one time or another, whether we admit it or not.

Jessica - posted on 04/05/2010

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I don't know if your stress is coming from not being able to keep your house clean, but that's where I felt like I was failing. Once I have my house in order I seem to be able to keep myself in order which leads to me being a better wife, mother and person. I researched how other stay at home moms keep their house in order and I was able to develop a plan that has really helped me achieve what I wanted for my home.

What I did was I wrote down all the things that need to be done each week. Then I divided them into categories: daily, biweekly and weekly (and if you need you could do it monthly). Daily tasks are like dishes, a load of laundry, cleaning clutter, dinner etc. Biweekly/weekly tasks are like toilets, bathroom counters, dusting, etc. After I did that I created a schedule. I do some things Monday, others Tuesday, new ones Wednesday, and so on. Then when I don't get something I need to on Tuesday, I just don't do it until the next Tuesday (unless it's really pressing). I feel so much better about my home now that I have this plan in place. The most important thing though is to NOT schedule ANYTHING on Saturday or Sunday. That's your time with your husband and kids. I hope this helps and like the others have said...If your kids can help you, let them!

Iysha - posted on 04/05/2010

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I only have 1 baby but from what I have seen and heard, schedules are key. Know what needs to be done, and figure out how to do it in the most efficient way and work with your your children's schedules in regards to sleep, meals and play time. I am not sure how old your children are but, make sure you have some one on one time with all of them at some point in the day. Chores like laundry can be done throughout the day without all your attention being focused on it. Dishes can be done once a day...like after dinner (or whenever it works for your family) as well as just wiping down the counter.
A little bit of tidying throughout the day does wonders for me. I only have one but she crawls everywhere and tries to stand on the tile so I have to keep an eye on her. When she's sleeping I do a quick run around the house (pick up all clothes and put them in a hamper, throw the dishes in the sink, just kind of put things where they belong) all her toys are in 3 baskets so I take one basket out into the livingroom so she can get her toys from only that basket all day so when I pick up her toys, they all get thrown in one spot. Just tidying makes the home look clean.

So yeah, just find when the best time to do whatever it is that needs to be done. If you get the chance one day to just clean and organize, all you have to do from then on is maintain.

I get frustrated with my husband like you do with the whole going out when he is upset and then the outing isn't fun anymore... I learned to say thing like, "oh. Well I really wanted to spend time with you and the kids...is it ok if I come to? That way I can have some fun with you all." Saying WHY before WHAT may be good for you too. Saying something like, "forget 'me time'...I want to get out of the house too," might sound good too. It's hard knowing what to say and how but those are a few suggestions.

Hope I've helped a little.

Tina - posted on 04/05/2010

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I am a stay at home mother of three children aged 4, 2 and 7 months. Sometimes your house is going to be a mess and yes sometimes your kids are going to fight amongst themselves. In my opinion family comes first, my husband also works 12 hour shifts three days a week. When he comes home he tries to play with the kids and I will "try" to get some of the dishes or whatever done. I can understand where you are coming from because my husband does the same thing i.e taking the kids out for the day or letting me sleep in and never asks what would help he just does. I love my husband to death don't get me wrong but I definently understand what it is like not to be consulted about descions. My husband and I have been married for 6 years in October. Finally had a talk with him and told him how I felt about things and that I would like to be asked what he could do to help me instead of just doing things. He would every weekend when he was off work fuss about this or that not being done. Well I told him that my kids come first and that yes during the day I do play with them and take them places (it is really hard to be stuck in the house all day with three kids). He now understands that I ask him about things and that he needs to ask me about things instead of just taking it for granted that this is what I need. Hopefully your husband will be as understanding as mine was about things and that talking to him really talking like heart to heart will help you with things. Prayers to your family.

Katie - posted on 04/19/2010

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I only have one, and he doesn't even walk yet. When I see women out shopping etc, with three + kids I want to give them a hug, and a huge pat on the back right there on the spot. My job before I had my son was super stressful, but it was nothing compared to being a mom. Just be open with your husband, and try to remember that so far as most people are concerned you are doing one of the most difficult jobs out there. If your babies are happy and well cared for, and your husband is as understanding as he sounds then they are just as lucky to have you, as you are to have them. Good luck!

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Laura - posted on 08/27/2012

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You sound exactly like me. I am still trying to find the answer. I have always thought it stemed from my depression and the fact that I became a mother at 18. I feel like I need to just find a good support system and then the rest will fall into place.

Angie - posted on 08/20/2012

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I believe I spoiled my children no i know i did.. They expect so much and still have not got the concept of how hard it was to work ,care for them and keep the perfect home and i never got much time out. My spouse works but i always took care of the yard, fixing things, cars, and my mother and grandmother. We passed each other and he never understood how exhausted i was until when my son the youngest was 14 and I mentally and physically crashed. I tried so hrd to please them and have the perfect house the yard and job. The illness I developed came fst and hard and now I am home bound with my children and husband still questioning when things aren't done and I just cant. I have fiqured out I wasn't happy with me and I expected to much from myself. Enjoy the small things forget the clutter it will allllwaaays be there, but your small children and your health can go and fast. Appreciate that your husband tries you are blessed. I now know I should have said no and help and its never to late. Now my husband is helping me out of the bed and how we made it here would take a book, but i get up pray for a good day and deal with one thing at a time. I am OCD, but the body sometimes says stop mine did. I do a lot of self talk and I finally met with a great counselor after yrs of encouragement from my physician he has been great without med, I have enough of that to maintain my health. Your kids respond to your mood, I have noticed that. Plan movie nights and a special dinner night and everyone old enough join in. Its hard to be a mom and wife when your raised in church to believe a certain way but i believe the bible also says rest and be a balance in your home i failed sooo many times. Don't wait until you can't reeaalllly enjoy their youth do it now, lord knows i would have let them toys pile up and just roll around and play. There are no do overs, but love you and know if you are worried tht your doing well as a wife and parent and your already are a loved wife aand ma and I never had tht from my spouse . Embrace you and all your good and your children and spouse and things may slowly get better god bless and stand tall It is good to know we aren't alone and we aren't perfect...i hope this helps

Tanisha - posted on 04/20/2010

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I too have felt the way you do! It gets so hard sometimes! I got to the point where I cried until my head hurt. Know what helped? Chocolate chip cookies! LOL I know that seems crazy but for whatever reason when the kids see me eating them they quietly come sit next to me and say mom can we watch a movie? Every time! I give them a few cookies, throw on a movie and slip out to clean up. My 13 yr old keeps the twins in the room and my 6yr old asks if she can help clean up. Some days are worse than others but in the end I love my kids and husband. He tries to help too but then I feel guilty because he works. I figure like this...sometimes the house needs to be messy and the kids need to drive you crazy and you need to cry because that means you love your family. A perfect house and kids is not only boring but lets face it- IMPOSSIBLE! Have the kids help clean up-make a game of it. And try setting a reasonable schedule to do things but make sure it includes you time(even if it's just a bubble bath-with cookies or chocolate lol) We all have troubles but you can only fail if you don't try and you seem to damn sure keep trying! Good luck and keep your head up.

Sara - posted on 04/19/2010

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Annie, I feel the exact same way. There's never enough time to do all the house work and play with my children 11months and 2. I do what I can when they are sleeping but I don't like to do dishes and make too much noise when they are sleeping because they are light sleepers. I have actually made a schedule what has to be cleaned on what day and break the cleaning into different days. My fiance does help by doing laundry but only on the weekends. He'll get upset when I forget to clean something right away especially in the kitchen because it is small and even with a small set of dishes on the counter it seems crowed and messy. I also go to school online so a lot of the homework I do while they are sleeping as well. It's all time management for me but I still get stressed out. Sometimes when I notice something needs to get done then and now when my kids are awake I'll put on a Baby Signs DVD or I'll turn on the Wiggles movie it keeps their attention and they are learning and staying active while I finish what I have already started or what needs to get done.

Amber - posted on 04/19/2010

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I didn't have time to read all of the other posts, so I'm not sure if this came up already. But one of the things that my boyfriend and I do is accomplish things together. Instead of him taking our son out of the house for the day, we give him a small task to do. He'll pick up his toys while daddy and I dust, vacuum, mop, etc. I always crank up the music and let it be a dance party :)
It's not romantic, but we get all the things done around the house and have had a day together as a family. Plus, all the work gets done faster and we usually have some free time to cuddle on the couch or go to the park afterwards.

Tasneem - posted on 04/19/2010

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YOU R RIGHT !!!! WELL CRYSTAL ITS VERY RIGHTLY SAID WHY WORRY WEN FRENZ R ARND...I ALSO LOOK FORWARD TO MY FRENZ WEN I M FEELING LOW N THEY REALLY MAKE A DIFF IN MY LIFE...!!!

Crystal - posted on 04/14/2010

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I used to be the same way. I still have that same nagging feeling, but I do my best to shut it out. My house is a mess ALL the time...I have 3 kids...14, 11, and 5- I am learning that they can help out and it does NOT kill them! LOL I make my oldest unload the dishwasher, the middle helps load it up, and the youngest, well, she likes to dust, but she is a work in progress for picking up toys... I felt that since I was a stay at home mom that it was my responsibility to keep the house in perfect order and be a perfect wife. I have since realized, that goal is unattainable for me. I do the best I can and accept that perfection is something that will always be out of reach. I dont know how some moms keep things in order, but I am taking my life one day at a time and enjoying what I DO accomplish. We all have rough times, and having a friend to talk you through those hard days is the thing that will get you through!

Tasneem - posted on 04/14/2010

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i m glad ppl liked my post n some felt it was encouraging...this had helped me a lot in my hard frustrating times...so i m glad i was of some help to you all frenz too!! thnx!!!

Stefania - posted on 04/12/2010

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I am a perfectionist. If i dont do it then its not done right so i do EVERYTHING & my husband knows how i am & makes jokes about it. I too want to be the perfect wife/mother & to my husband i am. My daughter is only 13 months so she cant really say "Mom your the best" but she knows how to show it. I stress myself out & thats what you're doing. My husband always tells me to relax & that things dont have to be perfect but i want them to be. I also have the benifit of having a husnad that lets me sleep in everyday & plays with the baby all the time so i guess you can say im very lucky. Im sure when we have more kids things will be more hectic but you just need to just take a step back once & a while & realize that you are doing everything you possibly can & you are doing a good job. Give yourself some credit & your husband should ell you once & a while that you are a great wife & mom. Trust me that makes me feel good about all the things i do. Hope this helped.

Veronica - posted on 04/12/2010

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Bless your heart! You and your husband sound like very sweet people. Here's my two cents: If my daughter see's that I am not paying attention to her, she acts up. But when I make her my focus, she is happy. She doesn't care what the house looks like, nor does my husband for that matter. I don't know if this would apply to your life, but maybe when the kids go down for bed (or before they get up) give yourself 1 hour (and only 1 hour!) a day to run around the house like a crazy woman doing what you can. And after that, let yourself off the hook. The kids will be older soon enough and the house won't always be like this. I heard about a sign someone had in their house that said "My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it". If I gave a darn about what someone who doesn't live in my house thought about it, I might have a sign like that myself :) Chin up girlfriend, I've never heard a child or husband say "I wish my wife/mom spent less time with me and cleaned more". And maybe do a little something for yourself to help clear your mind. I know a pedi would really do it for me right now! Sending some mama loves your way ;)

Delia - posted on 04/12/2010

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You're a profectionist, and in need of better time managment.

You have three kids, and one of which could help you around the house. With dish washing and picking up toys, this will help your yougest two want to help when they get older too.

As for the crying and frustration, you need to be carefull and learn to control your emotions around your kids, because they can feel the tenstion and could be the reason why they are more relaxed with dad. Of course he gets home and kids miss him alreadly, and thats something we can't change. But you can start with letting them help you around the house.

Your husband works hard long hours and doesn't know what going on at home when he's not there, and it'll be hard for a man to try to start to picture whats happening.

If you make a schudule for yourself and do the things that are the most important to get done first through out the week, you'll be able to manage your time well and still be able to spend time with your kids and husband. It will also releave some stress and you'll be able to get things done. Also, instead of having dad take the load for a day while you clean, have a friend or grandma babysit for a few hours or for as long as they'll take them to get things done instead. (I do this and leave my son with his aunt). This way you'll feel relaxed when dad gets home and you and your hubby well be happy, and not only that but the kids would have missed both of you!

Jessi - posted on 04/12/2010

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UGG i feel your pain!! its good to vent on here though! i really love how supportive everyones being :) im taking these answers to hert too since lately ive been feeling a bit of the same way. i know im not being very helpful.. but just know that your not alone! and i keep telling myself that theyre only young once.

"To-day that seems so long, so strange, so bitter,

Will soon be some forgotten yesterday."

Josetta - posted on 04/12/2010

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I have to say to all of us stay at home moms. Great job!! Weather we let a load or two of laundry go or left dishes in the sink, floor unswept. You have to say to yourself, Did I do the best I could do for today? Each of us all have different limits and pressures, I think that if we got out of bed, I love to spend sometime with the word of God ( I get such strength from the word and encouraged) Cared for our kids, husbands, and houses as best we could then you did not fail. :-) At the end of the day you have to tell yourself I am not where I want to be, did not do all I wanted to do, but I am not where I was, I am ok and on my way!! One day at a time. Prayer, prayer, prayer!! Do your best and let God do the rest. I pray all of you have a wonderful, restful evening, and Lord willing a blessed tomorrow!!! Chins up you are all wonderful moms, wife, friends, sisters, Be easy on yourselfs!!

Joy - posted on 04/12/2010

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I feel like a bad mom, housekeeper and wife every day of my life. I'm about 100% sure thatall moms have doubts and worries about their ability to cope with life once they have kids, a husband and a house to take care of.

I'm staring at a sink full of dishes now and I know that there are 3 loads of laundry to fold, 2 to wash and dry, and sweeping and mopping and on and on... so, I take a breath and try to put everything into perspective. I ask myself questions like: What's the most important thing right now? If my kids are awake, I'd tell myself that seeing my kids smile, teaching them, or taking care of them was the #1 goal. After they go to bed, I ask myself, What's the most important thing now? Am I stressed out and need to take a break? If so, then I take a break, the housework can wait until I feel destressed enough to clean up. Those are baby steps. Right now, I don't think I could do the dishes without screaming so I'm taking a break until I can. I get down about things all the time but never out of the game.

As far as my husband is concerned...yeah, he wants a spotless house but he wants a sane wife more. I think that might be how your husband feels. He's doing everything he can to help you stay sane and maybe his efforts to help you clean aren't because he wants a clean house but because he wants you to be happy. So, the best thing you can do is try to make yourself happy. It's not selfish, it's the best thing you can do for your family. Don't focus on being the "glue that holds it all together". That's too much stress on yourself. It's like trying to hold the world on your shoulders. Instead, when you wake up from him letting you sleep in, focus on being happy. Get out of bed and go hug your husband, give him a kiss and go tickle your kids and say silly things to them. You will be happier, they will be happier and before you know it, you will be that glue without even realizing it. No day will ever be perfect. Kids will scream and cry, juice will spill, you and your husband will disagree but that is life and you are getting to experience it to its fullest. Just try to be happy!!!

Also, what is your definition of failure??? If a dirty house and messy kids or an upset husband is failure then most of us fail - a LOT.

Josetta - posted on 04/12/2010

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Hi Annie, Sweetie let me tell you that you just need to relax. I know it is hard. I too was my worst critic. I felt so worthless with staying home with my first child. i have always worked from a young age and when I stayed at home I got so depressed and felt the same exact way that you do. I can say that the best thing for you and your husband is to communicate without blaming each other. You both have such important roles that you are playing. You might try to get a counselor to talk to to help you work through the insecurity that you are dealing with. Let me tell you find a balance. Spend some time with the kids and find a happy medium that you can live with for the little bit of messiness in the house. You cannot do it all. It is important for the kids, you, and your husband to have a clean home, however at the same time. Maybe to take some of the stress off of yourself just tidy the house and when the kids go to bed then clean some more. That way you will leave some time for you and your husband. My prayers are with you and take it easy on yourself!! I am sure that you are doing a wonderful job!!

Tanya - posted on 04/12/2010

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Annie,

I understand completely where you are coming from....I have three children, 11, 4 and 2. It seems to me that from the time I get up to the time I go to bed, I am doing house work . You are very fortunate that you have a husband that helps without having to be practically begged. My husband is self employed and he works from sun up to sun down. So, when he comes home, he wants to rest. Never mind that I have been on my feet all day long trying to keep peace between syblings and hold down the fort. Thank you to all the mothers with encouraging words for Annie. They have helped me as well. Sometimes, I feel like a failure myself. I guess you kinda "wallow in self pity" sometimes. I guess my advise to Annie is to hang in there. The children are only little once and you cant rewind time. That is what I have to remind myself of quite often. Good luck

Annie - posted on 04/12/2010

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I have been thinking about a new word this week. I know that things are going to be hard sometimes and I am going to feel as bad as I did last week, but even though I might fail to do this or that and the kids will dirty up anything I have just cleaned I know I can persevere. Perseverance is an encouraging word to me this week; to give me courage to keep trying. Thanks again for your comments. If I run into a rut again I know I can come back and reread them.

Kayla - posted on 04/11/2010

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ur a mom not super women!!! things r going to be messed up and sometimes dirty, but i think u r doing great.

Amy - posted on 04/10/2010

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I am a stay at home mom as well. It is hard to juggle everything...kids, housework, personal time, husband time, etc. Some days it gets the better of me too & I just sit on the computer! LOL! I have come to the realization that with my 2 kids & my personality, my house will be dirty most of the time & sometimes my kids will be bored, but we find ways to make it work. The time to myself & the time with my husband are the hardest parts to make work. I feel guilty when I'm not with my children but there are days when I NEED to get away from them. I feel bad pawning them off on my husband because he is the only one who works. I tell him that going to work is a break from me & the kids & the house, but he disagrees & says that work is not a break. Anyway, just thought you should know you are not the only one out there that faces these problems on a daily basis. It is tough! But we can do it! :)

Michelle - posted on 04/10/2010

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Hi, I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult time. It is not easy being a mom and is the hardestjob in the world and no one really knows that until they are in your shoes. You can only be the best mom that you can be and as long as your kids are happy and healthy than you are doing a good job. The first year of my daughters life was the hardest for me and I felt very alone. I had to finlally tell my husband all I was feeling.. Since than we alwasy try to talk when aomething comes up and it does help. Sometime the house won't get cleaned and laundry won't get done, but if you try to be a mom who is there for your kids this will mean more than anything. Also try to get a way with your husband . Have a date night at least once a month where it is just the two of you and no kids. It will help. Hang in there.

Michelle - posted on 04/10/2010

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it is ok, it will get better. you have a chance to talk to your man everynite you are in bed, you need good communication with him and your kids. your a mom and this is what it is all about hun. you seem to have fallen into some type of depression and we all go through it at some point. ask your doctor for some help, it is ok to ask. I did! you need a good routine and you need to stick by it, your kids will love you always as long as you try your best for them. you are not wonder woman or super mom, no one is. keep your chin up and love your family no matter what, like i said communication is the key to a good marriage and happy home.

Eva - posted on 04/09/2010

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Hang in there! I have four kids: 9, 7, 5 and a 2 year old. It's not always easy, but I have found what works best for me. I do not spend all day cleaning the house, but rather break down my chores on a daily basis. Monday, change the sheets/towels, dust: Tueday, mop the floor, Wednesday, clean the bathrooms, etc.... I do a minimum of 1 load a day, otherwise I'll have a mountain of clothes. This leaves me with a sense of accomplishment yet I do not feel like I've taken time away from my toddler. Sat and Sun are family days or time spent with friends. With kids comes toys everywhere. Right before the bedtime routine starts they need to help pick up their toys. It has really made a big difference in our household! A great book to read is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It's an awesome book that has helped me see how my husband and each one of my kids receives/understands love. Hope this helps!

Kerry - posted on 04/09/2010

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To me everything u seem to be going through is very normal. We have 5 children and it does feel that way sometimes for me, My eldest is 9 and my youngest is 6 and half months old...My best advice i can give u is...U can't always make everyone in ur family happy at the same time and if ur not 100% happy yourself then it can make it even more difficult (if ya get what i mean)..

Us mums really need to find a happy places for ourselves and then others around will follow...

I find that i battle with it at least once a year, Which i think is very normal. We do so much so our brains kind of shut down a little (meaning we need a break menially) the trick is to take notice of our own circle and work out what can trigger us to feel like we just aren't doing our best (when we are)....

When it comes to trying to juggle everything, I stop cleaning (as such) at 12 pm everyday then i have set time to play with my kids and have a little me time. Then the three older one's get hom from school and u do homework, cook tea,do dishes, bath them all and then bed...by the end u can be very tired.

Family is great but u need to make time for u and ur partner, even once a month so u guys can sit and have a laugh and talk without being interupted and u both can have a sleepin.. There is so many ways to make thing work better for u, u just need to work out what will help u... I find to if i focus on the positive thing that are happening, other stuff seems to work in..

U can do anything u put ur mind to..
Kind Regards
Kerry

Annie - posted on 04/09/2010

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I just wanted to say thank you again to everyone who posted a comment they have all been helpful, encouraging at the very least. My family is everything to me and I am so happy they are mine; they are what makes me special. Did any of you ever think you would have to fight such a hard fight? I am just in awe at how much I have accomplished over the past 5 years as a mom. Still every now and then it gets hard so hard it can bring you to tears, but they are worth every tear shed and every trial and tribulation and every heart ache felt. I want to continue to be better and maybe for now my goal will be to love my children more and worry less. Then once I feel that is going well then I can figure out the other areas of my life. Thanks again, I just need a shoulder to cry on and you provided so many, thank you...

Breanne - posted on 04/09/2010

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i think that u need to relax, i know that is hard. i have 3 kids. 9, 5 and 3. my 5 yr old has adhd and has anger issues. i used to feel that i was failing my family too. like i just wasnt doing something right! all the problems started when i got into the picture. my husband works alot so i am here with the kids from about 8 till 7, fiive days a week. what i did was talk to friends and prayed to God for help. to give me what i need if i was found lacking and read some books on organization. i know that sounds crazy but the organization helped me put my house in order and find better ways to clean and keep things that i needed but so they wouldnt b sitting out in the open. i have 5 people in a three bedroom house it is small so i use it to my advantage. dont give up and understand that it hard for your husband b/c he wants to do better too. and maybe he feels that he is failing u. men dont share emotions well so maybe his hostility is really frustration that he doesnt know how to help. if nothing else works i would try therapy. i did that for a while and they put me on Lexapro and it really helped me not feel so sad and anixous. not high or anything, just even. normal. may god bless u and ur family. and i hope u find some help

Sara - posted on 04/09/2010

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I am also a Stay at Home mom of two kids, A boy 6 and girl 4. I KNOW where you are and I was there, and it's dark and scary, and exhausting, but it IS a phase! God gave you those adorable little people to help you smile, and to give free hugs all day if you need them. :) My mother had 6 kids, and a neat home, and cooked, and sewed, SHE to me is super mom, and when I feel like i am at my wit's end with just 2 I feel like SUCH a failure! Well, I used to, I finally got it through my head that THIS is MY plan, THIS is all I have to do right now, I don't need to worry about being "super mom" enough for 6 kids like my mom, I just need to get MY 2 kids through THIS day. :)
My Daughter was VERY cranky for her first 6 months, and my health was not good, as I had alot of complications after her birth. I was down for a long time, I never had a clean house, or clean clothes, or decent food on the table, i felt like I was stuck in a dirty tornado all the time, and just wanted SLEEP!
It does get better! I have a great hubby too, he does work long hours sometimes, he goes out of town for a week at a time for work. I also recently moved half way across the US for his job, and left all my family and friends, so the whole isolation thing is BIG right now. BUT, things are getting better, as the kids get older, they get cleaner, they get more helpful, they start to "get it" about cleaning toys, not having toys in certain rooms, company coming and cleaning up for that. We started them young, teaching them simple things about picking up toys, I just had buckets that we threw everything in to be simple, as they got older, and got more toys, I got a little more organized, and now, my son cleans his room at 6, and has no trouble. My daughter still needs help, but she gets it, she knows the drill. I still fold laundry at night, there is no point in the daytime, I'm too distracted, at night, I sit in front of some of my favorite TV and instead of being a potato for 3 hours, I'm doing something, it makes me feel a little better, then on other nights, I just SIT for 3 hours, surrounded by laundry and watch TV cause I'm beat. ;) BUT, I also started my kids early putting away their own laundry. Now, please Understand, I am OCD, and i like neatly folded laundry in neat drawers and orderly rooms. So, I had to "get over myself" to let them do this, their drawers are disasters, but they can find their own clothes, cause they put them there, and the only rules are, in the right drawer, and make sure it closes with nothing hanging out. :) My husband would fold laundry for me, but I can't get over myself that much to hand it off, it's a work in progress. :)
I just last year started really cooking good meals, and looking for real recipes. Now that my kids eat more things, it's easier, we used to eat alot of grilled meat in summer, hot dogs, hamburgers, mac n cheese and pasta, about all my kids would eat. :P I am seeing the light at the end of this crazy tunnel, my son is in half day kindergarten right now, nest year he will be all day 1st grade, and she will be half day, and I am SO SO SO very excited, I keep imaging what in the world I will do, and how relaxing it will be, and then, I start to get sad, and wish I had a baby to snuggle, or a little one to talk to while i do my housework. I will miss them, and the noise, isn't that nuts? LOL
I babled I think, but I wanted you to know you are not alone, you are NOT FAILING, the fact that you care so much says that you are an awesome mom. Your kids love you unconditionally. Your husband obviously loves you, THAT is a huge gift, many people don't have marriages where they can talk, so keep talking! Even when it feels repetative, don't shut down, that's when bad things happen, KEEP talking, thank him, ask him what HE needs. I just found out this week that my hubby likes to come home to a clean house more than a hot meal. Poor thing! :) I have tried to keep the kitchen and hallway cleaner this week, and I moved my "daily dish wash" to a little earlier in the afternoon. He sees it and appreciated it.
So, babbling again. Keep talking, don't keep it inside, and remember, you are doing it, you are making it, one day at a time, you are growing those beautiful babies! You are a MOM, that in itself is an amazing thing, anything beyond that is a cherry on top. :)

Kim - posted on 04/08/2010

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Thank you for posting this! I have several moms I am going to copy this and forward to. What a great analogy for what us moms do everyday!

Cyndi - posted on 04/08/2010

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Hi Annie,
I have 2 children 9 & 6 they can help and they can distract. In our house of course it is God first , family second and everyone else take a number. As far as being the "great wife and Mother" we all have some issues. I am not perfect and whoo I never will be, did I find a balance? yes I did. I tried the routine of schedules and chore lists that was fine for a bit, but then my son was sick and the routine had sudden change, I can't stick to that.My husband is the awesome man, in fact my friends wish they had "their Kenneth" I am not letting go. He works very hard to provide for his family he also see's me stressed. I have found that when children ":quiet time" I do too, I rest up a bit they even cuddle with me a great time for me and the kids. So then at night when they go to bed I can fold the laundry, do dishes, and all the other needed stuff dusting, cleaning bathrooms. It works well. So when it is my bedtime , hubby and I can just go and then in the AM when we wake up it looks neater and tidier and that day turns out nicer than the one before. Also at night before bed Hubby also does some things too he helps with like: unload dishwasher or load whichever is needed and it our time as a team to get it done so we can have our alone time to talk, cuddle, or just be there with each other.

Laurie - posted on 04/08/2010

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Im a stay at home mom too Annie and I have felt like this.( I actually take something for anxiety and depression for feeling overwhelmed- my girlfriend who is also a stay at home mom does too- maybe thats not for you but its helped) You can't just get everything done and keep the kids happy every minute.. allow yourself some time to ease into a schedule.. or your expectations ..I say kitchen and bathrooms are priorities to keep clean.. and the other rooms allow yourself say like - okay today I am going to do 15 minutes on quick bed making... running the vaccuum ... folding clothes get them put away... through out the day.. my little ones like to wipe stuff down with a rag ( they mimmick me when playing ) so give them a rag tell them to wipe the tv screen off..help mommy dust a table... my husband works 3 - 11 so its me and 3 kids home .. he helps out but also has his day off priorities for himself too..its hard... but if you're the only one telling yourself you are not living up to what you think you are stop!!! and if someone else is telling you your not.. and your doing your best..kids are fed and clean and your spending time with them and your husband is fed and has clean clothes for work... tell them to buzz off. and your house is kid expected untidy ( toys here and there) it's oookay. It also helps to designate one play area (room) and toys do not come out of that room into the rest of the house. If you have too much toys .. weed them out..give some away.. or pack some up and rotate toys often. Who doesn't want to be the best mom and wife? I do ... I also know and expect that as the kids get older you'll have to adjust to new stresses again and again. Remember time for you too!!!!!! go get your hair done thats a nice picker upper makes you feel better believe me.... and every one elses lives that you think are perfect & homes are spotless probably aren't. you are just fine

Michelle - posted on 04/08/2010

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When I was reading this, I thought to myself, wow, this was me about two weeks ago!!! I was feeling the exact same way! My husband works differing schedules as he is self employed, but he was helping as much as he could during the time he was home... and I still seemed stressed. I realized, over about a week of pouting and conversation with my husband, that I was actually the one who needed to make a change. I realized that I was depending way too much on his help and actually taking it for granted... and that I seemed to be so focused on my feelings that I wasn't paying as much attention to my children and my husband's feelings.



I have three children under 4, and I must say, that your house can be clean and you can still have time with your children with a simple routine and some time management. Personally, for me, my situation also entailed a change in attitude as well. Like, taking pride in the fact that I can help with my home and my family, and help to make my home a place that my children and husband want to be. The attitude change on my part really did help and I've seen a change in all parties involved. My husband still helps, I just better understand what "jobs" are appreciated on my part and I now gladly perform them and can appreciate my husbands help better.



No, your house will probably not be 100% clean all the time, and your kids will probably squabble and fuss occasionally, they are children...and I find that mine do it more so when they are bored. A short movie time normally does the trick, I like to do mine around lunch time. I also agree with the date night advice... this helps us out a lot too. We try to do about two date nights a month.



So I think my best advice is PRAY! The Lord knows how we are feeling and he can help in all matters of our lives. He answered my prayers and helped with mine, and I feel much better now, and I know my husband does too.

Patricia - posted on 04/08/2010

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Oh Honey! You are being way too hard on yourself!!! Are your children growing? Is your house still standing and hasn't burned down yet? If you answered yes, then you will be alright. It sounds like you are putting too much pressure on yourself that causes stress that translates to the kids. Kids are very atune to how we feel and if you are stressed they will stress too. This can lead to fights, stress, lack of sleep and basic unhappiness. I know it's alot harder said than done -- to relax. Just take it one day at a time. An instant boost to the soul is worship. Try going to church, either alone or with the family. It will make a world of difference. Good luck to you. You are not alone!

Christina - posted on 04/08/2010

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Hello Annie.....
I understand exactly what you are going through because when I had my son two years ago I felt the same way! Sounds like one of the biggest things you mentioned is that you are having a hard time with time managment. You either play with the kids and do not clean or you clean and do not get the time with your kids? I am wondering how old your children are? I normally try really hard to wake up before my son, so I can have the quiet before the day starts and feel good about myself. Get breakfast for my husband & kids, so it is not a chaotic task with everyone running around. Also during the day when you have those 12 hours with your husband at work try to find where you can sneak in your cleaning. There is nap time, TV time, and clean up time....ect.
While I am doing mommy tasks like dishes and stuff I put my son in his high chair with a sensory box! He only gets to play with the toys in this box when it is mommy time and I put things like beads, squishy toys, slinkys, and whatever you think your child loves. Once I am done with mommy time the box goes "bye-bye" until the next day LOL I love it! Go to the dollar store and get a bunch of different crafts for them to do. You do not have to sit the entire time unless you have time to give, but you can get your house cleaned and organized. My son is 2 and after he plays with his toys we sing the clean up song and he helps me put everything away. Also make cleaning fun and they can help you.
Finding ways to clean throughout the day and week will allow you the family time you are seeking without feeling overwhelmed when you get home. You are probably feeling bad because your husband is cleaning and you feel guilty because you feel you should have done it. Your husband is feeling confused because he is only trying to help and you are getting upset because you feel guilty. If your husband was bringing his work home with him everynight it would be the same concept. :0)
What I did was take a time management class and you write out your day every hour of your day and schedule it out. If your kids get up at 8am then you wake up at 630 or 7am to start your day, breakfast at 8am, hubby goes to work at 9am(pack him lunch), 9am-10am kids watch cartoons while you clean, 10-11 crafts or play with kids(snack), 11-12.........see what I mean? make a schedule for the kids and you can even put pictures next to it so the kids can see what their day will look like. When Daddy gets home they can have some time while you take a bath or read a book for an hour. Then put them to bed and pick up for the next morning (should be very little to do) and mommy & daddy time :0)
The problem I had before I did this was that my life felt chaotic because it was. There was no method to my madness. I wish you the best of luck and if you would like some help or need anything you can reach me here or you can give me a call....let me know!

Good luck!
Christina

Tasneem - posted on 04/08/2010

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read this!!! hope it will b of some help to u !!! dont worry we all go thru these phases in life!!!





Invisible Mother …



It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.



Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'



Obviously, not.



No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.



I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?



Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'



I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone!



One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England ..



Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in.



I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself.



I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'



It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe ..



I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:



'To My Dear Friend, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'



In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:



No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.



These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.



They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.



The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.



A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees'



I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.



It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'



At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life.



It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.



I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.



The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.



When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're going to love it there.'



As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.



And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.



Great Job, MOM!

Share this with all the Invisible Moms you know...I just did.



Hope this encourages you when the going gets tough as it sometimes does.



We never know what our finished products will turn out to be because of our perseverance.

Jeniffer - posted on 04/08/2010

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I am not sure I have any great advice for you but I admire you for wanting to be a better person. We all have room to grow into a different person, and we will it just happens in the meantime look at the importance of the things that are bothering you teach your self the phrase "it is not a big deal" chose your battles. once you can let the smaller things go you can tackle the larger issues. You have proven what a terrific mom and wife you are by realizing that you want what is best for your family once you know that the rest will fall into place. good luck sweetie it WILL work out

Joan - posted on 04/08/2010

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Maybe you and your husbond needs to spend some time alone without the kids. Do something romantic for a change. Leave the children with friends or family or a domestic. That's what we do. The most importent however is that you pray and ask the Lord why you feel like this, He knows you best. Spend some time alone with each child whenever you can, but remember children needs to understand that grownups also needs time for themselves. You can also take a brake and go to your parents or friends for a few days. Jesus loves you very much and doesn't want you to feel this way. Sometimes the things we do just don't stimulate us anymore, try finding a hoby or a new job. I will pray for you. Joan

Paula - posted on 04/07/2010

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as a mom and wife i think we have to take it one day at a time! we are so busy trying to be the best to everyone around us super mom the best wife friend daughter but we have to take care of us and take time to nourish our selves and inner woman i have found that if you take an hour to your self alone take a long walk a hot bath listen to your fav music and just think abt you what do you like what do you want do you think abt this or that? and there is only you that can make changes dont be they way you think they want you be the way that feels good in your heart and then you will be happy inside and out! good luck to you

Kim - posted on 04/07/2010

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First, relax. Breathe.

If you think you are failing, good! All great moms question themselves.

What is important? Hubby. Kids. Home. (in that order)

Post orgasmic husbands seldom notice anything is undone, let alone complain. Added benefit, you get to release endorphines too!

Kids need to know they are loved and important. Mom spending time with them will reinforce that for them. "When we get the family room picked up, we can go to the park, or we can paint for 20 minutes." Having them help you do chores, shows them they can make a difference, they are important and you can make games of the jobs. For example: my 3 all loved to do laundry-basketball tossing clothes in hampers, washer, dryers. They could all sort clothes at four. We would then play Who does this belong too? as they pulled clothes one at a time out of the dryer and i folded them. (they would get a kick out of it when Mom would get it wrong). Having them identify what needed to be done in a room helped them to feel important and also made them want to be involved in the process of getting it done. Moral of the story: be creative. They want to be with you and with some creative parenting, they will be happily engaged in making the house look better and take pride in doing it.

Things that must be clean: Kitchens daily, bathrooms weekly, kids before bed.
Everything else will get done, eventually

I have just sent my baby off to kindergarten this year. It is so hard doing the chores alone! How ironic. I miss the conversations and company while getting things done and the 'treats' we would share after we got some things accomplished.

This time is so fleeting, please don't cheat yourself out of one more minute trying to be everything. BE the woman you want to be, she's not the one in the magazine.

may God bless your every effort

Cassie - posted on 04/07/2010

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Its so refreshing to see everyone rallying together to give each other support, i personally love it as all I've ever experienced being a stay at home mum is "every other mum can keep track of the kids, get dinner on the table every night and keep the house clean why cant you?" or my personal favorite "you're husband works every day, its not like you have an actual job that's stressful so the least you can do is make sure you remove all his stresses and burdens so that he has nothing to worry about"

Annie, you'll probably find that the reason you feel you're stressing and worrying is because you are trying to justify yourself. Comparing to other people who make it look like a breeze, while you're struggling to do the simplest of things. well knock it off!! :D you are the most important person in that family, and they all would be lost without you. Its as simple as that. Try not to stress about the little things. I'd often find myself running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get things done before my husband got home, so it looked like I'd done something. then I'd get mad because of the pressure put on me. Our children were absolutely thriving, thanks to me, yet he would tell everyone that he lets me sleep, or picks up the slack, or things i did he would say "we did" when he had nothing to do with it. Take a stand. Your husband sounds wonderful, but if he wants things done, he better damn well do them your way :) i often tell my husband if I'm the one that is to stay home, then he marches to my tune. I have my own routine, he can just fit into that. Always look at yourself in the mirror and say something positive every day. "I am a good person" "i love my kids and they are happy" "I'm not perfect, but am happy within myself"

Maybe even try day care one or two days a week. all 3 of my kids go one day a week, and the older 2 go an extra day and its a god send. I hoe into the house the day all of them are gone and get everything done, then the day where the older 2 are out, i spend some quality time with my youngest, and when she has her naps, i spend quality time with me. I hope we have all helped, remember you are never alone, and are a phenomenal woman!

Sarah - posted on 04/07/2010

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Ok, now let me start off by saying that no matter what kind of job anyone has being a mother is the hardest, most exausting, most rewarding, most frusturating, and lonely, yet extreamily Happy job that anyone will ever endure in there lifetime. I want to say that i have been in the same spot as you are in.....this rut where you want to just take the dustpan and sweep it up like some little mess, but you cannot because for some reason you are sad and maybe you just want someone to see you that way just for a brief moment of voulnerability, but you cannot force yourself to do that because you are supposed to be this ROCK that everyone wants. Let me inform you.....Dont try to be the anchor. Ever been in a boat? put the anchor down and what does the boat do? it goes not forward or backward, but instead just rocks with the wind. My point is is that you are a human just like your husband, with alot on your plate, and its okay to get overwhelmed and frusturated and get mad to the point of telling your husband to shut up and listen!!! He sounds like he tries to help you which is awsome, but you need to specify sometimes that what would help the most is good ole family time. where the dishes dont get done after dinner, and the plates are still on the table, and there is a pile of toys on the living room floor. just you and him and the kids lounge on the couch or floor or even go out for the evening. You need ADULT TALK TIME!!! adult conversation. ever find yourself talkin the cashregisters ear off at the market and then you leave feeling like you just had a cup off coffee for hours with your best friend? if so then there is your answer. Sweetie i have been there time and time again. I have a son who will be 3 in june, a daughter who will be 2 in august, and i am 8 months pregnant. My husband says crap like....why are you so crancky today like my day was just peaches n cream and i have no reason for frusturation. I get so mad, but he is a man and he will never understand why.....lets face it. Men have hard jobs and us wemon know this, but they could not do the things that we do on a daily basis. Nothing against them, but its the truth. Hang in there because it will get better. Just keep telling yourself that you are not perfect and quit trying to be. if the damn dishes dont get done before bed then so be it. you will never have a spic n span house so dont waste your energy trying to make it that way. its alright to have a pile of toys pushed into a corner at the end of the night. and its also okay to put simple chores on hold just so you can get down and play with your kids. Think of it this way.....your house no matter how cluttered will be there, and it will never change shape, height, weight, hair, clothes,personality, or anything else. You kids and your family however will. they grow, and fast. You are not a failure...you are a rock and u dont even know it. And you are also a human being who has had children and made a family for herself. Your kids will grow up and depend on you! They already do....why do you think that when after sleeping in and coming through the door when sight of you is noticed all hell breakes loose. Because to your kids you are super mom! You can fix any problem, and solve anything. you make there belly aches go away, you make them comfortable. they love you so much that it gets overwhelming to the point of wondering why you even slept in if it was gonna be like this when you got up!! That really is the truth sweetie. your kids just love you to death.....You are SUPER MOM to them!!!! see you dont have to try to be this anchor and all that crap.....you already are!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope this helps. I like things cut and dry so i hope i was not offending in any way. Good luck to you. sarah

Kaitlin - posted on 04/07/2010

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You are doing fine...you are not a failure. You are at least trying. I am a stay at home mom and yes my house is messy too and yes my hubby never understands me. No one is perfect. As long as you let your family know that you love them...which I'm sure they already know...than that is all that matters. Don't be so hard on yourself. When I need to clean something, I wait until my kid is either taking a nap..which does not happen anymore...or when she is wanting to play by herself or when she wants to just sit and watch a movie. Don't beat yourself up, you are not a failure. You're a mom. :)

Heather - posted on 04/07/2010

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I think you need to look at the bigger pic. I have 5 boys and I homeschool the older 2 my husband leaves at 6 am. and doesent get home until 8 or 9 pm and no my house isn't clean and by that i meen its not dirty but it is messy toys ALL over. I would rather play with my boys than spend that time cleaning you just need to pick your battles I clean when me kids go to sleep. My boys are healthy and happy and thats all that matters to me but this is the way we do it and it works for us. Just be happy and keep it simple your kids just know when your stressin.

Amanda - posted on 04/06/2010

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It sounds like you have a wonderful husband be proud of him. I know you feel as I try and keep a clean home but its almost impossible with a demanding childband. My husband works away and he comes home he helps out. Dont let things get you down so much, take a deep breathe and just realise that you can onl do so much. Happiness is so much better and hey, it does get you down when you cant keep on top of things and when your bub is asleep you feel like just sitting down for a rest, but keep your chin up and take some time just for your family get out of the house and start laughing. Who cares if sometimes the house is messy, it will get easier and long as your happy. :)

Steffanie - posted on 04/06/2010

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Sweetie. there is nothing harder than raising kids, trying to keep a house, and keeping your husband happy. Take a deep breathe and realize your doing the best you can. It also sounds like you are becoming depressed. It can be isolating being home with kids all day, even if you have a loving supportive husband. Have you tried scheduling how you want to clean? I have a day I do laundry, and a day I clean the house, ect. The crock pot is any busy parents best friend. Throw some ribs in the pot with some bbq sause and spices, dinner served.
Once in a while, espeically if it is you and the kids, make pp and j for dinner! Give yourself a break. The one mistake many couples make is not having adult time. At least once a week find someone to watch your kids and go out with your husband. Even if you make a romantic dinner with your hubby at home, and your parents his parents can take them for a night.
Hook up with other stay at home mom's. If your kids are old enough invite a friend to Chuck-E_Cheese and boom, kids are happy, and you can have an adult conversation with another mom. In the least take a mommy and me class if it is only to get out of the house. Start having the kids help out with clean up. Make it a game. An hour or two before hubby get's home put some music on and tell them it is time to clean up, or make a song up while putting toys away. Go to a craft store, and buy some fancy baskets and put them in the livingroom, and where the kids play. That way you can throw all the toys into the baskets. Having even young kids help clean will instill good cleaning habbits.
If you are that overwhelmed, I strongly suggest that you see a counselor, or at least a doctor about depression, there are many drugs that can help your depression. I was dealing with many things from my past coming up, I was so angry and acting out. Zoloft really help even me out without changing my basic personality. Even talking to someone that can give you ideas of better ways to handle your issues can help; or joining a support group for stay at home moms,
I have had a full time job, and stayed home with my kids. It is easier working full time. Sibiling fight, and you have so many different personalities, and trying to maintain a house, a marriage, is overwhelming for anyone. Then when you add in when kids get sick, or family drama, or an unexpected expenses, and everything life throws at you.... it is overwhelming. Every mom has felt like you... Give yourself a break. It is okay once in a while having your hubby take the kids off your hands, and having some time to yourself. Next time go get yourself a manicure.... Set a lunch date with a neglected friend... Most of all, give yourself a break. That you feel that way I am sure you are a wonderful wife and mother. Just some moms are more organize then some... Take care and hang in there, my prayers are with you.

Stephanie - posted on 04/06/2010

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you two need to make a list of what is important, i think its the kids over the house, as long as you have good healthy food on the table and clean, but not spotless clothes the rest can be done together on the weekend. Dont fret over the little bits, you are putting so much stress on yourself, it is a shared journey, so bring in your partner to help you get some perspective. have a zone that the kids cant mess up for you and him to enjoy, and the kids need to learn to give you some space too. You are doing a good job and you take pride in your family, go easy on yourself. Its a bigger job than anyone every told you it would be. work out what needs to be done and what doesnt and it will all seem so much easier.

Tracy - posted on 04/06/2010

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You definitely are not failing your family! You aren't living up to your own expectations, and therefore FEEL as if you're failing them. My words of advice (from 23 years of marriage): lower your expectations. Set your priorities and hold to only those things. The other will take care of itself eventually. My family comes first. I take care of feeding them, clothing them and maintaining a clean environment, but it's not perfect!! Clean is the key. Clean toilet, sink, shower, dinner table and floors. Picked up? Eh, maybe not so much. Dusted? When I'm able. An absolute must is dinner at the table with all 4 of us present. Research shows that a family that eats dinner together form closer bonds, and the kids stay out of trouble. Apart from those things...I get to it when I can. I don't pressure myself to be perfect. I keep the front rooms of the house tidy in case of people dropping in, but I don't sweat the rest. I help with homework and get kids to/from school and practices, so I don't have time to do everything that could be done.



Talk to your husband about your need for him to do chores that will help you, but in 23 years, my husband still occasionally decides that cleaning out a closet is more important than straightening up the house when company is coming! They're guys, and they don't think the same way we do. If I ask him to do a certain task, that task is done neatly, efficiently, and much better than if I had done it myself, but recognizing what really needs to be done and just doing it is not their strength!! : ) Just say to him, "Hey, I love the fact that your are (insert chore of his choice here), but I have been struggling with the (insert chore of your choice) for several days and could really use your help on that. Would you mind saving (chore of his choice) for tomorrow night or another day?



So, in short, your house may have toys scattered all over and your sofa may hold clean clothes that need folding, and the dust may be piling up, but you have healthy children, a good husband who treats you well, you aren't starving and your kids get a bath most nights! Congratualtions, you're doing as well as or better than everyone else out there!



There isn't any such thing as a Carol Brady, or a June Cleaver, or Claire Huxtable. Those great TV shows showed us the importance of family values, but also left many of us poor moms with the idea that those fake families were somehow "the norm" and anything less meant failure. How did Carol Brady's house stay so clean? Alice. How about Claire Huxtable's house? She worked all day as an attorney, and he was a doctor. I suspect they had a MAID!! An invisible maid that did the grocery shopping too. But I digress. You definitely have a full plate with 3 kids all 5 or younger. You should be busy and tired a lot. Don't add to this by stressing yourself out over things that in reality aren't all that important. Do what you can and be sure to take some time out for yourself to recharge and help your outlook. If you keep going at this pace you might end up on medication for depression. God bless you sweetie! I remember well being just like you years ago.

Val - posted on 04/06/2010

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Annie, First take a deep breath. You have to take one day at a time. take a day off from house work take you and your family out for a picnic at a park and let them make a mess let them get dirty, get out of the house. no one tells us that motherhood is so hard and the good ones get lost in being a great mom and wife but somthimes you just have to get out of the house get active with neighbors have a girls night. and about your husband you just have to come out and tell him, men dont understand us the best thing is to just say your feeling out loud make him hear you. "SPELL IT OUT FOR HIM "and i bet you will feel so much better just to get it out. if none of that works them maby its time for counseling it couldnt hurt. remember if mamma's not happy nobodys happy take care of you so you can take care of your family Go pamper yourself. I've been down this road too. luckly i had a friend to help me so if you need to talk more and let those feelings out just let me know i have good ears . Good Luck. and CHEER UP!! There is so much to be happy about ,your babys need you to be happy.

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Lol. Oh my. To think there is others sharing same thing as me.... i take it one day at a time sometimes one room at a time if you know what i mean. Sometimes i just need to remind myself that this wont last forever. The kids grow and eventually move out. And iv come to realise men are worse then woman at trying to make them happy. Just quit worring about him so much and worry about u the rest will fall in place. A happy mom leads to a happy home!! Its true.

Jessica - posted on 04/06/2010

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I have 2 boys 3.5 yrs & 18 months. My husband works 12-14 hour days aswell. I try to do small jobs a few minutes at a time throughout our day, for example while the kids eat lunch i wash the breakfast & lunch messes, unload & load the dishwasher so we are all in the kitchen at the same time. I eat after them & for us that works best. Dinner, same deal, the boys eat first while i work on cleaning the mess & by the time they are done my husband & i sit down. Or if he is even later I put the little one to bed first,while my older one plays or watches tv, then it is his turn once the baby is sleeping. It is hard that is for sure, they scream at me all day too! Once they are both in bed i spend 5 minutes & put all the toys away, that alone makes me feel less stressed, if i can look at the house & not see toys all over the floor I feel better. As for major cleaning, I vaccuum,mop & dust every other day so I can get it all done in about 1/2 an hour while the baby naps. Washrooms once a week, i bring the kids upstairs with me & let themplay (mess) another room. I also read another mom's tip that she cleans the washroom (sink, toilet) while the kids are in the bath -- which I thought was a great idea. Tackle it one room at a time. Let them scream sometimes, it drives me crazy too, but sometimes you just need to get something done, and when all else fails, give them a cookie or 2 to keep 'em quiet!

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Annie , you are the mother of a beautiful family and you understand and appreciate each member. You also have a huge heart ! When you say .." when I feel like I fail them " What does failing mean to you ?

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