Marie - posted on 07/30/2012 ( 76 moms have responded )
Some of you may remember my post I made and had deleted not too long ago called "Is my husband being unreasonable? Or am I just incompetent" where I explained my situation and how my husband gives me lists of things to do in a day, and is never satisfied. And I am a victim of daily verbal abuse.
I did talk to my husband about the way I felt, he apologized and said he was going to make an effort to change. Things were good for about 5 days, then they went back to the way they were.
The last three nights we have fought, I have slept on the couch all three nights, and I am wanting to start drinking just to get me through the day and put me to sleep at night.
I can't remember what the 1st nights fight was about, but the second night was over sex.
He came home, he wanted it (gee what else is new) we flirted and cuddled, then I told him I wanted to wait until the kids were in bed so I'm not stressing about them bothering us while I'm trying to satisfy him (note this part... SATISFY HIM) I never want it anymore, it's been months, and yet I still put out to him every 48 hours despite my having to put on a smile and pretend like it isn't a chore. Lateley I haven't been "putting out" as he tells me, it's like 6 days between.
Yes, I am sick of putting out to him every 48 hours. I'm so fucking sorry that I spend the entire day taking care of YOUR children, taking care of the house, and then am too tired to service you in the evenings.
He's like "you know I would never be so disrespectful and hurtful to you" and all I can do is bite my tongue and think of all the times he has not wanted to fulfill my needs because he too, was tired. And what do I do? I roll over and go to sleep and forget about it. What does he do? has a fit the entire night about it.
So last night when he came home. I again, bit my tongue and put aside my pride and sad emotions, to say I was sorry. We made up and things were fine. Then later, the decides to bring the kids into the storage room to pick out some new toys (toys that were his when he was little) In the storage room, we have cardboard boxes of stuff that is just.. well storage stuff. This storage room is located in the basement, the only way to get to it is to go through a large cement utility room which is where our dog stays. (we have a large dog) and the kids, being 4 and 5 will not enter the room as they know our pup will jump up and try to play with them (she is only 15 weeks old but still a big girl) There is nothing in the basement for the kids to play with, and they never go down there. With the dog blocking the only entry point into the storage room, and the door to the storage room staying locked, I never considered anything in that storage room to he hazardous to kids. So, he took them into that room, and there was a box of tools on the ground. My 5 year old picked up a double sided saw and goes "this is a tool" and put his hand on the blade. Luckily we got it away from him before he hurt himself, but my husband then started to yell at me "jesus fuck marie, you need to effing clean this room up, you've got effing saw's laying around where kids can get to them!" I walked away and told him I wasn't going to do this in front of the kids. He then yelled "no problem, I will just effing clean this room up myself after work since you obviously don't have time to do it" I left the house with the dog at that point and sat outside in the backyard for awhile. Depressed at my life, sad that my husband makes me feel incompetent, angry that he doesn't understand what I do in a day. Angry that he gives me tasks which I cannot complete with my other household chores and duties to the children. The night spiraled down hill from there.
I came inside, put the dog away, and went to our bedroom to lay down and wait for the children's bedtime. He came in several times asking me what was wrong. I told him I wanted to be alone right now.
I kept myself away from him the entire night until 10pm or so. Nothing is going to get better. Talking about it is useless as he thinks I am in the wrong. He thinks the way he treats me is just acceptable and doesn't realize how much it hurts me. I seriously have been doubting our relationship, and if it weren't for the kids. I would be leaving him. (The kids aren't even mine, I am their step mother) which is a whole other issue in itself.
On being a mother:
I hate it. I think part of the reason I hate it so much is because I don't feel like I ever have enough time in a day to be both a mother, and a housewife. Constantly, my husband comes home, and I am either in trouble because I didn't do enough with the kids that day, or I didn't do enough housework that day. I can never do both. If I spend time with the kids, take them to the park, beach ect... I am scolded for not getting something done around the house (now that doesn't mean dishes, laundry or tidying up, I get all of those things done on a daily basis. It's the extra things, like weeding the garden, organizing the storage room, cleaning the garage out blah blah blah) If I do something towards a bigger goal, like working on the garage, I get the whole "you didn't do anything with the kids today? They just played with toys all day? You didn't do any arts and craft? You didn't take them outside?"
I can't even relax myself enough to do one or the other, because I know whatever I do is not going to good enough. I get angry at the children when they bother me during the day because I am stressing and working so hard to get the house clean, and attempting to get whatever the hell done on the list before he gets home. I just want them to fuck off, stop with the questions, the taddle telling, the crying, the whining, the nagging and let me get my stupid crap done so my asshole of a husband doesn't come home and put me down some more for being an incompetent idiot.
You know I'd like to take the kids and the dog to the beach and have a day to play... but oh no... Marie, if you do that, nothing will get done in the house and that is not acceptable.
I've become greatly impatient with the children. Every time they come to me and tell on their sibling for something stupid I just want to say "I DON'T CARE GO AWAY" when they start yelling, screaming and fighting, I just want to tell them to shut the hell up.
Yesterday, I hid under the stairs in the basement with my hands over my ears just so I could try to get a moment of peace and silence. The kids were looking for me, and I just ignored their calls because I didn't want to deal with their stupid minor problems. I don't give a shit if your sibling called you "dee dee" grow up, I have other problems to deal with.
I just want to be alone every day so I can get shit done around the house for my asshole of a husband so I don't feel his wrath when he comes home.
Oh, and what does he do when he gets home? He goes downstairs to his computer. What do I do every night? I cook dinner, I clean the kitchen, I clean the kids after dinner, I bathe them, I brush their teeth, I deal with their fighting, crying and consistent nagging while I try not to burn our meal on the stove because I'm in the playroom trying to get them to behave. When my husband is done with dinner, does he stay at the table to make sure the kids eat their food? NO. He leaves and goes downstairs. And I have to sit and tell them to eat. You know I would rather go and clean up the kitchen while they finished their meal, but that doesn't happen because as soon as their father leaves, they turn into little shit terrors and ignore every single thing I say to them
Now I know what you're thinking. Well she probably isn't talking to them nicely so they're just mis-behaving as a result. This is NOT the case, I bite my tongue, and my anger, and I very calmly ask them to settle down and please eat their dinner. I ask them three times nicely, then I introduce a threat, "Okay I have asked you nicely and you are not listening, if I have to ask you again, you're losing (your treat, TV, something they want)" so what do they do? Ignore me and do it again. At which point I say "okay, I asked you politely and you're not listening, now you've lost (your special thing) now finish your dinner" (remember my husband is downstairs at this point ignoring my frustration and the children's dis respectfulness) It's gotten to the point now to where, frankly, I don't give a shit if they eat their dinner or not. If they've eaten two bites and want to get down, go for it. When you tell me you're hungry before bed tonight, all I will say is "well you should have eaten your dinner"
And another things. Did I mention I am suppressed and not allowed to talk to anyone about the way I feel? Ladies, tell me this, you probably have a close girlfriend that you share your hubby/family frustrations with right? That's considered normal in most relationships, and I would say it is expected for a woman to share her feelings with a close female friend. I am not allowed to talk to any female friends about my frustrations or problems at home. This is considered "immature" and shows that I just want "drama" "only immature women seeking drama share their problems with other people" a quote from my husband. I am one the believe that women NEED that social interaction with other women, sharing, ranting and raving with another woman releases a lot of energy for us. Social interactions between women are natural of our human behavior and needed for our health. At least, this is my understanding of the whole thing.. and yet, I am forbidden to talk to any friends about our life at home. He has threatened that we could not be together if I "feel the need to share our family life with other people"
I will NOT be calling social services or any other aid as my husband forbids me from getting outside help.
My husband is losing me. At this point, my plan is to suffer through this shit, take care of HIS children, despite the depression and anxiety I feel on a day to day basis because of it, until they are old enough to dress and feed themselves. THEN I will leave.
Leaving my alone life, working, and living in my apartment was the best part of my life, leaving that life to be with the man I thought I loved, sacrificing myself to take care of HIS children was the biggest mistake of my life.