I'm at my witts end!!!

Heather - posted on 11/10/2010

First of all, I wish I could give you a big hug. We are not perfect and sometimes we react when we should stop and think. I would have spanked my kid and sent them to their room for throwing a bottle of nail polish on the floor like that, would have done some screaming too. Not saying whether it's right or wrong just what I would have done. It's up to you what you want to do about any anger issues but I went to a counselor for a while when I only had one kid and now I'm the mother of six (and sometimes think I should get some more counseling). There will be times you will lose your temper, guaranteed. Just learn to recognize when you are about to and walk away. Shut yourself in your room and scream into a pillow if you have to or get down on your knees and pray (please don't be offended by that suggestion, I am a religious person). I know I need to practice what I preach but I wanted you to know you aren't alone and my suggestions are to help both of us. Best of luck and I'm rooting for you!

Judi - posted on 11/09/2010

Join a gym with a creche it's an hours time out for you - you don't have to exercise just have a shower, a break anything. time yourself out it makes it easier. Nobody can be a perfect parent ALL THE TIME, we all need a break, if you don't have family support then a gym (with a creche) is a cheap option, plus you might fall in love with the spin bike, oh and they sometimes have punching bags and box-ercise classes that take some of that "grrrr-ness" away.

Alexis - posted on 11/09/2010

I understand where your coming from. I too have had anger issues and do not want to spank my son, but find it hard at times to calm down. So far I have been successful but he is only a year. Being a seduced mom may not help your ability to care for your son, however maybe having someone to talk to so you can let some steam out. And keep trying, its hard because you are having to reprogram the way you feel and react to things. In the long run learning to control your anger will teach your son how to do the same thing. IF this helps what your going through is frustrating for even the calmest moms out there. Hang in there and keep working on yourself!

Christi - posted on 11/09/2010

You sound bipolar. Not in the serial killer bad mommy way, but seriously. I am bipolar as well and take medication daily for it. If you find the right medication, it won't sedate you, but help you balance out your anger.

Tiffany - posted on 11/08/2010

You are not a horrible person! I think you need to get some time to yourself each day. The 'terrible twos' are a hard phase....I think the best thing you can do is talk to your doctor, or seek some therapy. Maybe just talking it out will help. I also saw someone share a link to join a group about how to handle this, and I think that would be a great help to you. =) You are NOT a horrible person, you're just in a little rut. We all get in them. Stay positive! Good Luck. =)

Deanna - posted on 11/08/2010

I think it is up to you if you want to go on actual medication or seek therapy. However, I promise you that if my kids had thrown and broken a bottle nail polish all over the wall and floor I would have spanked them too. Once my oldest daughter took vehicle dark maroon red paint and drew us a picture on the wall while mommy went potty at about 2 years old. She knew better because she put the bottle back where she found it and met me in the hallway. I even asked her what she was doing because she looked so guilty and she said "nothing mommy." with a sweet smile. She was in bed and asleep when we found it and let me tell you her being asleep was the only thing that saved her bottom. Even at 2 children know and understand a lot. (or at least mine did) They are also in the experimenting stage where they love to see "what will happen if..." stage. Don't worry, they never leave that stage either. :) lol

Just keep reminding yourself that he is a child and it is normal. I had severe anger issues as a teen and even in my early 20's. I have worked through it by myself and I just remind myself that it is kids being kids and it is normal. However, vandalism and hurting oneself or others deserves a smack on the bottom in our home.

Christina - posted on 11/08/2010

I think that it is natural for every mom to have good and bad days... YOU ARE HUMAN!
I know the guilt that comes with losing your temper I have a two year old boy that is testing his limits and I have spanked him and yelled and then cried because I felt bad... but in the heat of the moment with the feeling like there's nothing that would make him listen I did it and it worked... I am not saying spank your kid or that its even right I am saying that I understand and that I think its natural: not something you need drugs for! If you want you can talk to a doctor and double check but I have found that docs are more then willing to write a prescription for anything to anyone.... it sounds more like you may need a little chill time and maybe someone to talk to! Try talking to your husband or another friend or family member. And seriously try to get away for an hour a week to do what ever like take a walk or go get coffee or your hair done just something thats just for you every mom deserves it.
I hope that no matter what you choose that you feel you made the right choice and that it helps... Good luck hunny and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Sonja - posted on 11/08/2010

I can tell you that I'm in the same boat.

I live with my husband's parents with a 2 year old girl and another baby on the way. Isabella refuses to listen and I'm constantly stressed and in pain from the pregnancy, and I get very little help from the father, who tends to sleep most of the day and play videogames, sometimes coming to spend time with me and the little one but never really taking her off my hands so I can have time to myself. He's good with her, yes, but I need more help. I'd LOVE to be able to be the one to sleep in and make HIM get up early every day, make breakfast, and deal with either a happy child or a cranky child for hours and hours all alone.

Believe me, I feel your pain.

I feel horrible for not having as much patience as I believe I should, and I feel terrible spanking my daughter. I just don't know how to fix her disobedience. A smack on the hand is nothing to her, and she thinks its funny sometimes. Spanking sometimes doesn't even do anything. I try very hard to not grab her tightly or hurt her, but sometimes I just can't deal with her tantrums, and sometimes they CAN'T be dealt with.

But the truth of the matter is that we have way too much stress to deal with on our own. I think you need a vacation. If you have REALLY bad anger issues, then medication or therapy may be necessary. Try to take as much time as you can afford and set it aside for YOU. Force your husband to take your child if you must. I tend to take small breaks by myself if my daughter is playing happily by herself - I'll read a few pages from my book, surf the net, or try to get done what I'd needed to get done (laundry, dishes, blablabla). Whenever possible and whenever it's not terribly inconvenient I'll tell my husband that I'm going out with friends and I'll be back later. I told ask permission, but I do tell him who I'll be with (just in case), and around when I'll be back, and that I'll check in with him every so often to make sure the house isn't burned down. Sometimes he tries to keep me home just because he doesn't want to take care of the little one, but he needs to understand for a few hours what I go through all day.

I hope things get better for you.

Chrystal - posted on 11/08/2010

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I would get together with your Dr. and see what he/she says. It sounds to me like you are just fed up w/ your child b/c he won't listen, and it makes it even harder if you have no parenting support from your husband. Definitely go speak w/ your Dr. though b/c you don't want that anger to get out of control. Good luck:)

Leslie - posted on 11/08/2010

I just wanted to say Bravo to all the ladies who have responded with such honesty. I think part of the problem is that no one will talk about these "dark times and bad places." Because there is a sense of shame and failure that we feel as mothers when we have responded poorly to a situation with our child. Whether you yelled, lost your temper, or spanked..... you just feel awful and NO ONE MUST KNOW. Great....now you are more alone than ever. Except, you're not. We have all been there. And it is great Cristina that you are talking about it. It is great that you acknowledge that as mom's we have shortcomings and that yes, sometimes we fail too. As you can see.....there are always solutions and these wonderful ladies have given some great advice. Now, the most important thing you can do it to Forgive Yourself. Guilt is a terrible teacher and a worse motivator. Move on. Make the changes you can, accept the ones you cannot. Get a discipline strategy and coping mechanisms that work for you, and for your son. Get help from your parents if you can....and personally, I think the one needing a smack is your hubby. Get him on board and involved with His child. He is the one that ought to be ashamed for leaving you all alone to deal with this. Real men take care of their families. You are not a horrible person, you had a bad day. Tomorrow is a new day....and you can make it better.

Brandy - posted on 11/07/2010

i feel your pain i was diagnosed with several disorders and cannot take anti depressants, and i do have anger issues as well, my husband is always at work because he works 2nd shift and my daughter has just entered the terrible twos. i agree that therapy is beneficial if you can find the right therapist for you, sometimes it takes some time. you are not a horrible person because you lost your temper, you would be if you did it all the time and you didnt have any remorse for it at all. like people who smack their kids in the face etc... thats just mean, anyways it helps if you can put your child in their room or a safe gated off place where they can have a time out and so can you, thats what i do with jenna, she screams and cries and wants out but i sit at the kitchen table or in the bathroom and calm down, and then i clean up the mess or whatever. you cant be perfect all the time.

Dyan - posted on 11/07/2010

You poor thing! No you are not a horrible person! My daughter is 2 1/2 as well so I know exactly what you mean. She listens when she wants, randomly throws her toys in the air and we have to duck or they'll whack us in the head! It's the age. I know it's rough at times but everyone goes through it. That's why they made a name for it, the Terrible Twos! You just need to find something for yourself, some alone time and you need to reach out and ask for help from time to time. If you're living with your parents then why don't you ask them if they can babysit overnight while you and your husband go out alone. Try to do that every week if you have to. It won't make you a horrible person! You do need to do something. You admitted that you have anger issues which is good because you're not hiding anything. But what if next time it's not just a spanking? Maybe therapy wouldn't be such a bad idea. For you child, yourself and your family. I get really stressed out from time to time, it doesn't happen often but when it does, oh boy! I used to yell at my daughter and then I would cry because she didn't deserve it. I felt horrible afterward. And there are days when my daughter is being a perfect angel but I'll just be having a bad day. And she'll do ONE LITTLE THING that'll set me off. I don't like yelling at her and the only "hitting" I've ever done and will ever do is slap her on the hand. When she is doing something though that she shouldn't be, I don't just tell her no. I explain to her WHY I'm telling her no. I found that that helps and she won't do it anymore, after a few times of course. So try that, your child just might surprise you. Just like you said, he knows what he's doing as he's doing it.... well, he'll understand you if you talk to him. But another thing to try also, this is what I do ALOT. Before reacting, before saying ANYTHING, Stop. Take a deep breath, a few if needed. Slow your pulse. Closing your eyes often helps while you do this. And THEN react. Or even try leaving the room! LOL If your child is safe in the room he's in, then YOU leave the room and cool down.

Whitney - posted on 11/07/2010

Life "seems" impossible in a lot of ways. I know your pain. I have a 3yr old as of Nov 6 w/ autism. He sleeps for about 4 hours in a 24 hour period. I'm exhausted and still have to attend all his appointments, go to college, pay the bills, and work w/ my son in a variety of ways. I look at my son and think that i'm very lucky to have him in my life. He keeps me on my feet non stop. I wouldn't change anything in our lives. I just keep thinking that i'm blessed with a special needs child. Keep up the hard work and look online for local support groups.

Shea - posted on 11/07/2010

just remember no one like being told NO so when your baby wants to touch something they can keep saying NO untill your child learnes dont tuch........ you may find if you say no, and they keep going remove what ever you are fighting over let them chuck a trantrum but watch how they then move on to something else,,,,,,,,,,,,,you no why cause mummy said NO and i have to learne that mummy is boss.....good luck stay off meds just breathe redirect the behaviour with something else,,,,,,,,,,,,i always take something off my son but have a toy car in my hand and i just start saying oh wow look at tis oh wow its a red car and you will find they are now playing with the car without yelling at you..............

Donna - posted on 11/07/2010

Being a single mom is a hard job. You have no one to talk to or share in the responsibilities of parenting. I don't believe that you are a horrible person. I think that you need someone to talk to. As funds can be tight, I would suggest finding a church nearby where you can talk to a minister. Many churches offer these services on a sliding scale. You might also form a parent co-op where you get together with your son's friends and their moms. This way you can share your stories and become each other's support. It takes a community to raise children and you must not be afraid of asking for help. You will be surprised how many moms feel just the way you do! And, in the process you'll make new friends and your son will see how other kids behave, too. Good Luck!

Amy - posted on 11/07/2010

you are not alone on this one my son is just turned 2 and has been doing the same things. this is hard but jane has some good ideas. find what works for you and your son time outs don't work for my son but taking his toys away and spanking does. I really only spank when he does something that could hurt him or someone. redirection is good also. when your are trying to tell him something make him look at you when you talk to him. eye contact and this is for good and bad things good luck I hope I have helped

Renae - posted on 11/07/2010

You have some excellent advice on here already. In particular I think you should, if you haven't already, ask the ladies in positive behaviour for some help with discipline strategies that work. But this is not going to solve your problem completely, because your problem does not stem from your sons behaviour, it stems from you, which you already know. I think that it sounds to me like you are in a place where medication can help you. However, this type of medication should be a stepping stone to a better place, not a permanent solution. So I also think that you need to ask your doctor to refer you to a counsellor to get to the root of the issues and learn how to manage without the medication. And BTW, stop feeling so down on yourself for "loosing it", even moms are allowed to be "only human" sometimes.

Jane - posted on 11/07/2010

i think there are 3 things going on, you're anger issues, he's 2 1/2 and your hubby is not helping.
you need to find a therapist/psychiatrist, your son needs time-outs, and well, i'm sure it'd be great if your husband stepped up on parenting, but that is something out of your control. but the other two, you can completely control and things will improve.
you're not a horrible mother, you've just got some things going on that are completely manageable.
timeouts and loosing toys are great ways to get 2 yr old behavior corrected. just keep timeouts short and simple, their brains can't hold on to things for too long. also, start praising him when he does positive things.
getting into therapy will not only give you some mental health support, but it will literally give you a break from parenting, even if it's just a few hours a week. but you'll also realize that you are not alone in these issues.
i wish you the best!

Stifler's - posted on 11/07/2010

Hell no. I'd spank my kid too if I had to clean up nail polish. Definitely see a doctor or counselor for other options or a diagnosis if you don't think what you're doing is working.

Jennifer - posted on 11/06/2010

Oh Honey, it's hard to be a parent! Hugs! It's the hardest, coolest, most rewarding job in the world, but it's work. It is easy to get overwhelmed.
You sound like you are aware this is an issue for you, which is a good sign. You love your little one and want what's best for him.
Try (and I know it's hard, but important) not to spank in anger. Know that Mommy time-outs are essential sometimes. Make sure he's safe and walk away for a minute to catch your breath.
He sounds like he has hit the age where he is going to be testing boundaries and learning he is independent from you. He will try your patience, but it really isn't personal. Remember, he is still very young (mine's 3 and I forget sometimes) and learning. Our job is to teach, not expect them to know.
Is there a parent group you can get in contact with? Maybe at church or through your local school district? I've found, the more you surround yourself with other parents and support, the easier it is and the more you find out that what you are going through is normal.
Also, since he will be re-testing boundaries, it is VERY important you remain consistent in your expectations and gently correct when he makes a mistake.
You are not a horrible person. A horrible person wouldn't care enough about her child to ask for help. You may try asking your OB/GYN for suggestions. I found out, through a simple blood test, that I have a weird genetic thing that prevents me from processing folic acid properly. Turns out that causes "anger" issues too. You may have an imbalance. Or, it sounds like you may simply be overwhelmed. You need support, if not from family, then friends and other parents.
We are here too, if only in spirit and print. Hang in there!!!!

Rebecca - posted on 11/06/2010

My daughter has just turned two and she can sure test my patience. She does things she knows she's not ment to to because she only does these things when she gets into one of her moods. The tantrums can be beyond resonable and I think there are many mums out there who can feel like they are reaching the end of their tether.
You are not a horrible person because you know that you don't want to feel the way you do. You would be a horrible person if you didn't care and you do care. I think you're trying to be proactive (like breathing excercises and your natural remedies) but I think now it may be time to take it to the next step and think about visiting your doctor for some advise and maybe some therapy to give you the boost you need.
Through the doctors or your local early development clinic, you should also be able to access contacts for mothers groups and support groups if you don't feel like there are any friends or family that you could lean on for that extra support when you need it.
I am so sorry that you are in the place you are right now and I know that 'cracking' feeling. One thing that works really well with me (and I know it's not ideal but when I feel like I'm cracking it, I think it's the better option), I put my daughter in her room, close the door (thankfully our door handles are up really high in the house so she can't get out and is safe for a couple of minutes) and walk straight out the back door (invest in a few tennis balls) and pick up the tennis balls in the backyard and peg them at the shed, take three large breaths of air. Tell myself out loud I will not let a two year old get to me. Walk back into the house, retrieve my daughter and change tasks from what we were doing before the drama happened. My point is, a few tennis balls being pegged at the gararge or back door or what ever you have at home, may help to release a bit of your frustration and it's not going to hurt anyone and your son won't see it either so you can go back in feeling a little calmer (hopefully).
Wishing you the best of luck. I do hope it gets easier. Warmest wishes

Erica - posted on 11/06/2010

Awe sweetie. You don't like your living situation, you are receiving no help from your spouse and you are frustrated with life. Of course you have some mild anger issues. I'm a firm believer that children sometimes need a good spanking. Your son shattered a bottle against a wall... what if you hadn't heard it? Or couldn't get to him fast enough? He was in danger and you responded. We are mom's not machines. Your going to snap from time to time. Your not a bad mom nor in my opinion do you need therapy. YOU ARE HUMAN!

Chatty - posted on 11/06/2010

Oh! I didn't realize that you weren't a member. Glad to have you. You won't find a more supportive and knowledgable group of ladies when it comes to positive discipline! Please start some conversations - we've really had a lull lately!

Joy - posted on 11/06/2010

Thanks for the link Dana. I just joined :)

Jennifer - posted on 11/06/2010

You are not a horrible person. You are a mom which means you are human and make mistakes. All of us have a breaking point, and thankfully most of us have a good support system that helps us out of the situations we can't handle. Since you don't have that kind of help, then I would seriously consider counseling. If you can't afford that, or are unable to go for another reason, then maybe you can find other moms in your area to help. Go to the local McDonalds play place, and start talking to other people, or go to the park or somewhere. Not only can you give each other advice, but you can help watch each others child(ren) when you need to get away for a little bit. It just sounds like you really need the support.

Chatty - posted on 11/06/2010

Please join us in PBS (Positive Behaviour Strategies - Solutions without Smacking) There are tons of women with very similar stories and maybe we can help. At the very least we can offer support and encouragement. We'd love to see you there!

http://www.circleofmoms.com/positive-beh...

Joy - posted on 11/06/2010

First of all no, you're not a horrible person so wipe that thought from your head. As for if you should get on other medicines? Well, if you feel like you're displaying signs of depression then I would say yes, talk to your doctor about options. Not all of the anti-depressants out there will sedate you. I was on an anti depressant called Celexa and it didn't make me sleepy or drowsy. It also didn't work for me but my doctor and I are trying other things right now (different medications). I have similar issues with my temper and I was the same as you regarding not wanting to ever spank my son. I have spanked him a handfull of times (he's 3). What I realized is that I was spanking him from a place of anger (not that I was excessive or beating him or anything), but I wasn't teaching him anything, so I have stopped. Now, when he frustrates me to a point where I can feel my blood start to boil, the ONLY exercise I do is to close my eyes and breathe deep breaths. As long as he's safe and can't get into anything that will hurt him, just go to another room (I use the bathroom) and sit down, close your eyes and take slow, deep breaths until you feel yourself calm down. That way, when you approach him to address whatever he's done, you're doing it from a rational place and you will be more able to teach him that whatever he's done isn't nice. Hope this helps. I've even started doing this when my husband pisses me off lol It works with him too...most of the time....unless he follows me into the bathroom lol

Iysha - posted on 11/06/2010

I can honestly suggest going to tharapy. I felt like that and just babrely started getting in a better mood. i started getting so frustrated when my daughter wouldnt go to sleep and i would cry and yell at my fiance for "not doing anything" when really, there was nothing to be done...she wasnt tired...we broke her sleeping pattern and she was still adjusting. i found myself wishing i never had a baby, wishing my fiance would just die or get sent to jail so i could have a reason not to be with him and go live with my mom. i hated my life, felt like i was a bad mom and there was no reason for it. i want to go to tharapy to talk to a professional about it and get some help....even talk to a few therapists. I really think it's the stress of being a SAHM. I have always worked and it was a big adjustment. so was moving to a different state, having no friends/family around...no phone and basically the isolation of it all. the highlight of my day is going to the library. yay....i'm a wild one! lol. but seriously, if you know something isnt right, make it right. dont dwell on what you have done, thought, or wished...talk to whomever you can and ask for their suggestions too. try some meds even if they arent "natural"...do what you need to to feel "normal" and well.