I need help my 4 year old is out of control

Karen - posted on 10/20/2010

I had a little girl who cried for the first year of her life, threw temper tantrums for the next 3 years! It came to the point I was scared to say anything to her 'cause it became a fight.....
I'm glad to tell you that she is the most well behaved little girl. Half of it is age (she's five) The other half is if you're going to say something eg. don't touch, time to pick up, Be prepared to WIN!!!! And A LOT of time outs! (1 min per age). If you don't have the time or energy right then (unless they're hurting themselves) don't say anything. They have to learn that if you say something you mean it and that you're more stubbron then they are.

Pearl - posted on 10/18/2010

You might need to come down on your childs level and with a calm but not so nice tone of voice tell your child what they are doing wrong and what you want them to do then walk away and leave it there.

Melysa - posted on 10/18/2010

you are not doing anything wrong!!! like some of the ladies have said it takes time for new routines to get set up, if you have only recently started to stay at home perhaps this is all part of why he is starting to play up more, remember although you may be doing the same thing as the daycare centre, there is only one of you there to enforce this where as they have a number of people all there to keep him on track it is a learning process, for you and your son, he is learning where his boundaries are and you are re-learning how to be a 24/7 mummy with very little breaks from the job, (don't get me wrong if you are a working mum that is, I am sure, a huge job it just has its own difficulties and each takes time to readjust to) it sounds like you are doing everything that a reasonable mother does, redirection can be exhausting esp, in the early stages of being there all the time, i love my preschool day (once a week) just to give me some time to have a rest, esp when i had each new baby as it gives you time to spend some one on one time with the baby and more appreciation for the older child, rest is a wonderful tool! it does sound like the one thing he is trying to get is mum and dad's attention the only thing for that is to find any good thing you see him do and praise it, if he puts his rubbish in the bin if he helps you at the shop if he kisses your belly, just make a point of applauding that behavior and soon enough he may learn that he doesn't need to be naughty to get what he wants, with the lying we tell our children if they are honest the punishment is reduced, and follow through I told my children the one thing i HATE is when they lie to me therefore if they do they get no treats for the next day or two (up to a week depending on age) if they own up and are honest they get told that what they did was wrong a small sharp smack on the backside and told to go away because we don't want to talk to them anymore, and then start playing with the others, they see that they miss out by doing something naughty (i was brought up on soap/pepper/Tabasco sauce on the tongue if we did something wrong such as lie or swear a bit nasty but effective for persistent bad behavior and it does not hurt them), remember to have faith in your self as a mother you are the best person in his world you do a wonderful job and although most of your hard work may seem to go unnoticed you are doing a very important job and one day when he is all grown up he will appreciate all the hard work and maybe if you are lucky he might tell you that himself one day (it was not until i became a mother that i told my mum thank you for all the hard work she did while i was a horrible toddler/teenager etc)

Victoria - posted on 10/16/2010

My son is lieing, throwing toys, hitting the animals (which they dont care but i do), talking back and throwing huge fits.....as far as how long....let see the time outs since he was about 2, the taking toys & TV since he was 3, the redirection about 2 and 1/2 cause he want to day care up until like 2 months ago and that is there method. I have resently become a new stay at home mom but i dont think that i have done anything different then his daycare (minus the getting to go to a place where there is no mom or dad....and lots more friends). but we go to the park and when i go shopping i try to get him involved by having him help. we do our letters and numbers also so i have no clue where i am going wrong

Leslie - posted on 10/16/2010

absolutely.....you have to pick a method and stick with it. Your child needs to know Exactly what the rules/expectations are AND Exactly what will happen if those rules are broken. And you need to stick to your guns each and every time no matter how hard. You give in once, just once and they see a chink in the wall. Keep in mind.....it can take awhile too. Discipline is work - for you. It took us almost a year with my eldest after his sister was born, and he still tries to pull a fast on us 3 years later sometimes. So don't be surprised if things go well and then all of a sudden your child reverts back. Children will always test the boundaries, continually. And they WANT to know the limits... they look to you to set them, and to be consistent with them. So hang in there. And it can definitely be helpful to include the elder in activities regarding the new baby. There are even books out there that teach them about being a Big Brother/Sister. Jealousy is inevitable though, so just be prepared still. Above all...they just need to know that mommies have enough love in their hearts for all their babies.

Ericka - posted on 10/16/2010

he/she may be confused if you have changed your discipline style too quickly, not sure how long you gave each style a chance. is your child screaming? violent, throwing things or hitting? ignoring you? demanding things? there are a lot of different things that could be going on. One thing that has worked for me is let my daughter throw her fit and when she is quiet we talk about it, might not seem very effective but i leave the room (generally put her in her room) so i am out of sight dont give her what she wants until she has calmed down. of course i check on her to make sure she doesnt hurt herself. sometimes our absence is the worst punishment. if throwing tantrums is an issue i hope this helps :)

Jenn - posted on 10/16/2010

I couldn't disagree more Amber. :(

Amber - posted on 10/16/2010

i have one thats about to be 5 and a 15month old, both boys and both have times when they are just OUT OF CONTROL. i tried it all, positive reenforcement, timeout, grounded, toys taken away, i have even gone so far as to ask the doctor. truth is...sometimes you just cant replace a good old fashion butt whoopin.

Jenn - posted on 10/15/2010

I agree with both of these ladies - get him involved in the new baby early on, and stick to whatever method of discipline you choose. Far too often people say "nothing works" - mostly because they didn't stick with any ONE thing. If you use time-outs, then do them the same way every time and use them consistently for inappropriate behaviour. With ANY type of discipline, it does not work overnight, and discipline is pretty much an unending task to guide our children in the right direction.

Melysa - posted on 10/14/2010

i just hope that it has helped in some way i know how hard it can be to bring a new baby home when your older child is going from absolute angel to jealous but it does get better i have 5 wonderful kids and they are now so close that it is hard to imagine them being so jealous and worried about the new baby but they all were, and that is the same advice my mil and my mother gave me it seemed to have worked for me i hope it can help you too( hard to do to start with as like i said it feels like you are rewarding bad behaviour but when my mum said that they are not being naughty on purpose just scared that they are not my world anymore it made it easier)

Candy - posted on 10/14/2010

Whatever you do you need to stick to it. If you think it isnt working it just might be you just need to stick to it. You are making him think you will try it then stop.I agree with Melysa.

Victoria - posted on 10/14/2010

thank you ill try some of that we have had him feeling mommys belly and had him help out with the clothing cause we are having another boy we have alot of that stuff but ill see what i can do

Melysa - posted on 10/14/2010

it may sound like you are rewarding bad behaviour but maybe it is all steming from her being worried about sharing her mummy! perhaps if you bought her her own baby (sorry i am assuming girl for some reason i have both boys and girls and they all have their baby they got to help with the idea of a new baby) back to my point, if you get her own baby and just go through some of the things you do with a new baby such as dressing the baby changing the baby PUTTING THE BABY TO SLEEP SO YOU CAN PLAY WITH HER BY HERSELF this is where my kids sort of went ok so the baby will go to bed and i get my mummy again, not so bad she is still my mummy, i also involved the elder child in planning out some of the details like lets go shopping for the new baby what are you going to buy for the new baby, i would let them buy a new outfit for the baby to come home in, babies first teddy bear, and a special blanket for baby, they though this was great, we then washed the clothes and blanket, and wrapped it all up ready for the kids to give to the baby, (it was all ready to be worn that way!) we would let the kids feel like they helped to name the baby, and that this was not only mummy and daddy's baby but their baby too, they would get the nappy and wipes, they would help mummy put the baby down so we could go out and play (for the first week or two while daddy was home he would go out and play to let mummy rest and recover a bit, but i would sit outside to be with them) pretty much you need to reassure them that nothing is going to make you love them any less esp. not a new baby!!!