i think depression is setting in

Sam - posted on 05/11/2010 ( 18 moms have responded )

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i recently had a baby 9 days ago and i've been cooped up the house with nowhere to go and a mother in law whos driving me up the walls! it started to hit me today and i have been very down and want to cry about everything and plus my husband hasnt paid much attention to meet since the baby has been born. and to make matters worse i walked in on my husband looking at naked girls on the computer..now i already feel like he doesnt love me like he did when we first got together and now im pairanoid that hes gonna cheat on me cus i cant satisfy him cus i just gave birth not to long ago and i cant have sex yet and since hes not giving me any attention i feel like im falling out of love with him..

we have been together a year and a half and married for almost 5 months.

i dont know what to do can someone give me some advice on what to do?

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Myra - posted on 05/12/2010

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Get out for a while. Cold and flu season is over, so even if you have to take your newborn, it should be fine.

Tell your hubby how you feel, and ask that he doesn't look at naked women anymore. Be honest and just tell him, 'hey, I already feel like crap because I just had a baby, please don't perpetuate my feelings by oogling other women'. Just because you can't have actual sex doesn't mean you can do things to pleasure one another. A lot of men are scared to even touch a woman after she gives birth, so maybe you need to make the first move.

The problem with marriage, and you put it so well in saying, "since hes not giving me any attention i feel like im falling out of love with him", is that marriage is not hot and horny. Marriage is a love for the long haul. It burns strong, and it burns bright, but the love in marriage is not the same as when you're dating and everything is a turn-on.

As for your mother in-law, tell her to back off. If you need her advice, you'll ask her. If she's still persistent, put some distance between you...like your own place. If the cost is the problem, check with your county DFCS about housing assistance programs so that you and your husband can afford a place. If hubby doesn't want to move from underneath mom's wing, tell him he has to step up and take care of his family. His mom has already taken care of her family.

To be really depressed, the feelings have to last for at least 2 weeks; everyday. I've been on pretty much every medication for depression since 1995, and in my experience, they work a while, then stop. Because of it, I just don't much believe in taking pills anymore for lifting mood...been meds free for 2 years now since learning coping techniques. I do believe that for real relief, you need to make changes that will make you happy; moving, exercising, meditation, etc.

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You need to go to your doctor. You can go to ANY doctor--your OB, your Primary Physician, even your child's pediatrician. They will likely prescribe an anti depressant and some light counseling to help you cope. PPD is very, very real, and can be very, VERY dangerous if left untreated. Kudos to you for recognizing it early on! Get some help, and you will be back on track in no time.

One other thing, you may want to talk about it with your husband, and that's okay, but see a doctor too because he will not understand and he will not know what to say and could leave you feeling worse (although that is not his intention). Plus PPD is caused by a chemical imbalance and talking alone is seldom enough to subdue it.

Hope this helps.

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Patricia - posted on 05/12/2010

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wow! you are having a hard time right now. first and foremost please take care of yourself and your beautiful baby!!! how long is your mother in law going to be with you? maybe you could go to lunch with a girlfriend while your mother in law babysits??? take a long hot shower or pamper yourself with a bath...talk to your doctor, he may be able to help you out too. go out with your husband and talk with him about your feelings, your concerns...they are real and you feel hurt, you don't feel "sexy" at the moment, but you will be fine with time. i went through this same thing, like many other women, my husband is the one who recognized it before me!!! he was a great help, please don't despair, it WILL be ok. i know it should be about you and the baby, but reassure your husband that the relationship you and him had prior to the baby being born will be there again. it takes time and the both of you have to put the work into it.

Jane - posted on 05/11/2010

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motherhood is full of so many things! those hormones are working their way around and this is completely normal to feel overwhelmed and be on edge. just concentrate on doing the same things your baby is doing, eating and sleeping. try to see your MIL as a resource, don't burn any bridges. your hubby's not going to cheat on you, he's just a guy with a computer. keep him busy by handing diaper changes to him and having him watch the baby while you eat and shower. i think dads sometimes feel lost at first and don't know what they can do to help out so they try to stay out of the way, but get him involved and he'll be just as tired as you - no time for cheating or internet porn. everything is very very new and sensitive. your first priority is the baby and you. everything else will fall into place.

good luck!

Sam - posted on 05/11/2010

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thank you everyone for the support
i have talked to my husband and he said he would stop and i think he realized that i needed more attention then what i was getting and as for his mom in law we sat her down and said you need to back off some cus this is our baby and we need to learn to do it without you and she agreed so she helps when we ask

Sam - posted on 05/11/2010

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@ jennifer
no we are actually living with her right now and shes getting ready to leave for indiana but she is a big help right now

Kate - posted on 05/11/2010

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Some hubby's don't understand what is going on and feel overwhelmed (as you do). Maybe you can talk to him. Ask him to help you w his mother and tell him you feel down and seeing the computer pics made it that much worse. Ask him to research what he can do to help you and your emotions get back to "normal". I know it's hard right now, but if you can make it sound like you need help from him he might turn around. A lot of men are fixers and he is in a place where he may not know what to do. Talk to your doctor about the sadness. This early, I think it is still considered "baby blues" which go away on their own. It's longer sadness that is post pardum depression and it is nothing that a little help can't fix. You can try getting out and getting sun. Just a few minutes can boost your mood. You don't have to walk, just sit if your not up to exercise yet. Hang in there, you're doing great! Marriage is hard, babies are hard and mother in laws are hard. It's tough, but you will make it! Trying to be everything to everyone will drive you crazy. Just do the best you canYour in my thoughts. Good luck!

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oh man sleep deprivation and hormones not a good combo!! dont worry it will get better.. remember u are the mom and dont be afraid to politley ask people to back off lol.. its ur time esp to bond with baby.. its so important to enjoy it! give ur self a lil time to adjust.. as far as ur hubby.. he could be more supportive in all ways.. porn is not ok you will need to address it with him sooner than later.. and also talk to him about what ur feeling now, its hard at first to be a new mom.. God Bless dear

Kristin - posted on 05/11/2010

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You need to start talking. You need to talk to your husband and tell him how you are feeling. You need to talk to your doctor so they can monitor how this progresses. You need to keep telling your MiL to let you get this figured out. You need to go for a walk, outside, in the air! Put that baby in a stroller and just go around the block a couple of times. Ask your husband to go with you? You both are going through a major life change and need to support each other through it.

Take a breath, take care of yourself, take care of your baby, and tell your husband you love him. It gets better.

Jennifer - posted on 05/11/2010

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(((hugs))) to you mama. Is your mother in law living with you? that would be hard. Take a deep breath. This too shall pass. Make sure you are getting enough good food to eat all day long -- food high in protein, fat, iron, and b vitamins. I take a prenatal plus a good B vitamin and fish oil, and those things help my moods immensely. If your mother in law wants to help, ask her to cook you some meals, do some laundry (especially the folding part). Is she living there?

Amber - posted on 05/11/2010

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I went through the same thing after having my son. I waited to go to the dr because 1 i was tired and 2 thought that i was a bad wife and mother for feeling the way i did. DOnt be ashamed of how you feel its normal and a lot of women go through what you are going through. Go see your Dr. and talk to them and find someone you truely trust to talk to (besides your husband) Cause nothing feels better then a good old rant to some one you trust. Good Luck!!!!!

Natalie - posted on 05/11/2010

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I have post natal depression and went to see my doctor. He has since prescribed some anti-depressants. The anti-depressants have helped me immensely and I've started seeing a counsellor which has also helped. I think you should start by seeing your doctor.
Good Luck with it all. :)

Marcie - posted on 05/11/2010

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I totally understand. It is your hormones that is making you wanna cry cause your body is trying to recover from the big changes in your life right now. Your husband was probably only looking at those pictues cause he knows he can't have sex with you till after 5-6 weeks. So don't worry and try to get some rest as much as possible. If your feeling neglected like that you two need to sit down and talk about it cause communication is the most important thing right now. I remember after my second was born I was so vunerable to everything and anytime someone would be screaming includeing my niece I would just start balling for nothing. I know this seems like a bad time for you but trust me it dose get better. Me and my hubby would argue alot after my first was born but not around her or nothing like that. But just make sure you express what your feeling to your husband and you will feel much better. Me and my hubby got prego after being together for a month and we will have been together for 4 years the 22 of this month and married for a year july 1st. I hope this helps you some and good luck and cogrates on having your newborn and being married. 8-D

Louise - posted on 05/11/2010

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Everything looks terrible in your mind at the moment this is normal. Just try to relax and take charge of your situation. Your husband is looking at pictures nothing else he is not out at strip joints or drinking with women he is at home. You have all had a major life change since the baby was born and now is not the time to be making any judgements on who loves who. As for the tears and feeling low this is normal, all us mums get the blues to a certain degree. It suddenly dawns on you that you are the sole carer for this little human and it is overwhelming. You must be exausted at the moment with the demands of the baby and all the worrying you are doing. Believe me the first 12 weeks are the worst until you can make a schedule. Expect to be low and tired. Ask the mother in law to help now and again so that you can get some sleep, this will also make her feel that she is helping out and will back off a little. If you are still feeling very low and teary after a couple of weeks then go and get checked out by a doctor. I am sure things are not as bad as they seem with your partner just give him time to adjust to being a dad. Wish you luck with the baby.

Sam - posted on 05/11/2010

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thanks
yea i have talked to him a little about it but it got late so he went to bed
we talked to her the other day and told her to back off and she did somewhat but as long as we live with her shes always gonna butt in
thanks again

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i am sorry to hear that. i hope you have some other family or friends close by to talk to. or you can go to your midwife and ask for advice. she will have other contacts like a councelor. have you talked to your husband about how you feel,and about how you feel towards your mother in law. if she is part of the problem you need to fix it. get a friend to come over to support you or speak for you if you cant talk to her yourself. have you thought about joining a mothers coffee group that meet once a week. you get to meet people and make friends that end up being close friends outside the group. hope things get better for you

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