I want another baby but husbands family says we shouldn't because of my step-son!

Zoe - posted on 02/03/2011

Hi Kathy, do you not feel like a real family with you stepson around, do you think you will ever call him your son? if his maternal granmother is a problem them make ruls about when and where you see her, maybe you dont have to be there. if you do have another child how do you know it will be a girl. i wonder if you are thinking af a family in a very romantic way. does you husbandknow how you feel about his child. If you spend your days dreaming about your son and a child that you want and pretending your stepson wasent there i think you need to tell your husband.

Kylie - posted on 02/03/2011

if it means that much to you then you and your husband should talk to someone who can advise you on the best way to raise and additional needs child, as well as two other younger children.

Deanna - posted on 02/03/2011

1st...Don't let your in-laws tell you what to do. ever!
2nd..If your husband says he would like another child to and supports you in wanting another child then go for it.
3rd...children with bipolar disorder can be put on medication to help even out their moods. However, it won't completely. Another thing that can help is if your step-son had a set routine each day and he also had a place to go and certain things to do when his thoughts and moods got out of control. (for girls I would suggest a daily log or diary) You could make a reading or art or craft nook in his room with plenty of things that can and do hold his interest.

Most of all remember this. Your husband and you are the ones that are going to have a baby. NOT your in-laws. Whereas they have given voice to their concerns it is not their place to tell you what to do or not do.

good luck, god bless

Candice - posted on 02/03/2011

Ok I am not judging I am just giving an opinion. First Bi-polar is not a reason to run amuck. I know because I am Bi-polar. You should be able to have your daughter. But you should also quit thinking of him as a step son and think of him as your son if you are planing on helping him. He needs structure not a dad and step mom. He needs 2 people that love him and will be strong with him. I wish you the best of luck having a baby girl. I wish you better luck bonding with this poor boy. Being Bi-polar is being 2 people in one body. The main person and this crazy one that you can see doing the bad stuff but you can't stop it unless you are taught how to. Please be careful with him. most Bi-polar kids don't make it to adulthood. I barely did. Good luck sweety!

Michelle - posted on 02/03/2011

In the end, I think it's about whether you can handle it as a mother; it has nothing to do with fairness to your stepson. If he is getting the help that he needs, you are loving your children, and providing for them, then that decision is yours and your husbands alone. My father suggested that my husband and I only have our first two daughters, because they were both born with kidney disorders and had to have surgeries. If I had listened to him, then I wouldn't have my awesome son today (whom, by the grace of God, does not have any kidney issues). Pray and ask the Lord for his guidance in this matter.

Theresa - posted on 02/03/2011

Um yeah....Everyone else needs to but out. The decision to expand your family is entirely up to you and your hubby. I would not base my decision on anyone else's opinion nor would I allow one of my children's medical or behavioural issues to control the size of our family. As long as we both wanted more children and could afford to take proper care of them. There is always enough love to go around :)

Brie - posted on 02/03/2011

do what you feel is right in your gut... be happy and don't let anyone else (husbands family) make your decisions for you!!!

Joyce - posted on 02/03/2011

I will not let one boy born of another woman or of me stop me from having children. He is a young child and might have turned out the way he is because of his background you know. Accept him more and try to treat him as you will your son and hopefully, he will change and besides, they outgrow these things you know. Go ahead love, have your baby and your husband will support you. I know they are prices to pay for marry someone with a kid but not the joy of having the number of kids you want to. Anyone that doesn't want your happiness will advise you otherwise. All the best dear. And looking forward to hear your baby bump annoucement.

Tina - posted on 02/03/2011

Kathy-
from reading your latest post, it sounds like your 6 year old son is ready for a new baby. as far as his bio mothers family brain washing him. your husband has full custody, if he feels that these people are bad for your son, then he can take those visits. i know this sounds incredibly mean, but with a kid who has bipolar, you have to make sure they are around people that help them excel at life, not bring them down. Again Get Pregnant!

Nicole - posted on 02/03/2011

I agree wtih Stacy Blinn too. great advice in my opinion. and from me too - please dont think i'm judging you negetively. i have never been in your shoes, and quite honestly you are probably trying really hard. but as i have personally learned in my life - you can always improve on a personal best.. it just takes a strong will and lots of time and determination xxx hope you can help him hun xxx

Tana - posted on 02/02/2011

Stacy Blinn- you hit the nail on the head! YOU ARE 100% RIGHT ON!!!! KATHY, TAKE STACY'S ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tana - posted on 02/02/2011

i'm glad you reposted this follow up bc man, your original post sounded horrible! I still fully believe that you need to continue to be there for this child and as much as everyone else tries to segregated your family, it is up to you and your husband to make sure that this boy knows how loved he is and how accepted 100% he is by you!!!! YOU ARE HIS MOTHER!!!!!!! You are the most important woman in his life, the most influencial. Have another baby, just don't play favorites and make this boy feel worse then he already does. If I were you I would be doing everything in my power everyday to make sure he doesnt even remotely feel like he is any different for your birth child. He cannot control what others are putting into his head. You dont have to let these people have a relationshop with him if it is doing him harm. You and your husband are his parents and need to make the best decisions for him and screw everyone else! Your the adult. Do the right thing by giving this kid the mother he deserves. Have your second birth child as well and dont worry about what the other people in your life are harping in your ear. Do whats best for your family (your husband and children INCLUDING YOUR STEPSON)...nobody else matters, but them. Good luck and I hope that someday you can fully open your heart to this boy no matter what he throws at you. His issues are not his fault! You are doing great geting him the help he needs, just be the mother he needs and thats all you can do! Praying for you and your family to come together fully. Good luck with baby #2.

Tana - posted on 02/02/2011

"able to be a real family"...wow thats horrible to say. I dont care how "miserable" your STEPSON makes you, he is a child with possibly some real issues that you arent making any better by segregating him! you sound heartless and cruel. if this child really is bi-polar then why on earth would you say such hurtful things about him?! go ahead and have another baby, but just bc that baby is your blood and your stepson isnt doesnt make that child any better then him! your 2nd child could turn out to be even worse behaviorally then your stepson! you know what karma is? you sound cold and cruel. a child is a child and he cant help what he doesnt know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if i were in your shoes i would care for your stepson and do everything in my power to get him whatever help he needs and that includes being a wonderful parent to him! his own mother abandoned him...how do you think that has affected this poor boy. i think you are very selfish talking the way you have on here. have another baby. thats great. have 10, but dont treat is little boy like he is less then your "REAL" children. you are just cruel...i feel bad that is child has to have you as his step mother :(

Nayuribe - posted on 02/02/2011

GO FOR IT!!!! you have tons of love to give!!!
just know that it could go any way, there are no garanties you will have a DAUGHTER, it might be another boy! heh
good luck!!

Deana M. - posted on 02/02/2011

I think that you should do what your heart and gut tell you to do, Do you think your stepson would be a danger to your son or new baby? I f so then I would say to hold off on getting pregnant just yet, but if not then dont let anyone elses 2 cents stop you. Its your and your husbands decision and no one elses. Maybe you could (if you dont already) try to get your step son some in home services to help keep him occupied. There are mobile therapists that come to your home for therapy with children. You sound like youre going in the right direction with how you care about him already. Good luck to you!

Melissa - posted on 02/02/2011

I think some people need to mind there own business. It seems like u r doing a great job being mom and stepmom. My question is what if u don’t have a girl would u want to keep trying?

Melysa - posted on 02/02/2011

after reading the second page of comments and seeing where you clafiried a bit, it would seem the main issue here is the maternal grandmothers perhaps next time he comes home and calls you by your name while they are still there you should remind him that you are mum and then turn to them and say that you are the only mother that has not run out on him, and that if they continue to be like this when you are not trying to be calous toward the birth mother in any way then you will have to block there visitation after all it is his right to know his family in a SAFE environment not in one that could do more harm then good!
good luck with the situation!

Lori - posted on 02/02/2011

Your husbands needs to step in then and let his great grandma and grandma know that are his mother figure and he should call you momespecially if he was already doing it. They need stop brain washing him with that nonsense. If his birth mother is not present in his life they should be happy that are. It sounds to me that they dont want him to forget that your are not his real mother. But when in fact you are his step-mother but you are the mother figure in his life and they really need to respect that. If they cant then really shame on them. My husband has kids from his previous relationships and marriage and dont call me mom and I really dont care as long as they respect me.Just one of his kids calls me mom and she did that on her own and I respect for that and she tells her friends so on that I am her other mom and not her stepmom. And I feel really proud of that. So please dont let that be a big issue in you all lives. As long as he knows you love him and would do anything for him he will eventually get the picture that this is my mom no matter what!!! Go have that baby that u and your husband want!! But talk with husband about what they doing and he should be one to stop them from that. If they cant stop tell them that will no longer be able to see him if brain washing dont stop. Thats wrong to the child and disrespect to you your family.

Pam - posted on 02/02/2011

Hi Kathy, if you and your husband want to have another child. Then i would tell you, go for it. It doesn't matter what others think. What i don't understand is how would it be unfair to your stepson if you give him another brother or sister.It's not up to anyone else whether you and your husband have another child or not. Don't let someone else influence your decision. Only you and your husband. Good luck.

Melysa - posted on 02/02/2011

i have 5 children (one marriage) for a short time i had a friend here with 3 other children that i shared the care (disapline inc) it is hard to connect with step children but if you can count him as your own i believe it would help your relationship with him greatly, perhaps even adopting him as you have said the birth mother signed away her rights, on the other hand why the hell can't you have another child whether you can't him/her as no.2 or no.3 they would still be loved and obviously is wanted there are ways to encourage a girl over a boy (encourage not garuntee) you just need to monitor your cycle and try to "create" a few (2-3)days before your ovulation and shallow. Your in-laws are not your dictators, and if they can not be supportive of your family as a whole then i personnally would be telling them that you do not want the mental welfare of your younger son to be put in jeaperdy just because they have more affection for your older son let them know that he is noticing and that if they continue then for the benifit of your family as a whole you will have to restrict the time they can spend with the children! (they usually smarten up real quick)
good luck with concieving a healthy baby girl!

Clara - posted on 02/02/2011

My oldest daughter is BI Polar also she is now 25 when she was diagnoised the doctor also put her meds for it,That also did wonders for her behavior, See if you can get him on some meds. Please have another child if that is what you want,You may have a great Doctor,or writer,

Terresa - posted on 02/02/2011

I agree with Melissa Green and Susan Lantz.
FYI.... You take care of him therefore he is your son. Stop thinking of him as your husbands kid.
Good luck!

Tracie - posted on 02/01/2011

Your in-laws should have no say whatsoever in the activities of your uterus. It is not their place to dictate the family you and your husband want to have. Do what the two of you want to do. It's your family. Best of luck to you!!

Lori - posted on 02/01/2011

If you and your husband want another baby by all means get pregnant and have another baby. Your in laws have no say so on what you should or should not do. It is your happiness and theirs, and if they are play favorites SHAME on them. Grandparents are supposed to be supportive not objective. I think they are being disrepectful. And if your son knows they are palying favorites then really shame on them!!!. Continue to love him and tell him how much you love and your stepson. They really have no right to tell you it would be unfair to your stepson if you have another baby. So please if your husband wants another please go ahead and have another baby. Your inlaws are not the ones who has to raise and pay the bills. That is you and husband responsibility!!

Hannah - posted on 02/01/2011

If he comes home acting worse after spending time with his grandmother/great grandmother then maybe you should have your husband talk to them and tell them that as long as they are telling him not to call you mom, ect (all that you mentioned they are doing) then he wont be allowed to see them with out you or your husband present.

Kim - posted on 02/01/2011

You sound like a great mom - if it's truly do-able for your family (you, husband and both current kids) then go for it - have another baby and to heck with what the in-laws say ... none of their concern since it's all on you & your husband. Don't make yourself miserable, keep your family & yourself happy.
Good luck & Blessings.

Kathy - posted on 01/31/2011

Ok to everyone who says I don't look at him as my own or have him posted as my son its because his grandmother and great grandmother in his birth mother family are invovled in his life. These two are always getting him to call me by my name instead of mom and are constantly reminding him who his real mom is. Every time he comes home from a day or two with them he well call me by name and is a total terror. i know its because of them brain washing him and upset cuz the birth mom doesn't give a flip and i guess me caring and being in control of when and where he is allowed to go pisses them off. I remind him to call me mom thats my name. I do love him with all my heart and truely feel for him. I am the one who got care for him went to all the school ard meetings to ensure he is in the right classes and pushed and pushed for the speech classes to help him out. I do more for him then anyone ever has. My husband just says he has an attitude problem. I get him help from the monthly psychritrist and from what i hear he is a totally better kid now then before I entered his life. his bi-polar disorder isn't real bad a lot of people wouldn't even notice it. He just isn't all that good in public outings but with the help from the pschyritrists its slowly improving. I guess the way i worded the post was misleading sorry. i meant that when i said my stepson is the problem he isn't himself its everyone else that thinks he is. like his greatgrand mother and grandmother dont think my stepson would be happy with another baby and the inlaws and so on. but you should see him with my son and even our friends baby its so cute. our friends didn't even now that my stepson wasn't my birth son for like a couple of months he isn't treated any differently.

Melissa - posted on 01/31/2011

@ Kathy Richardson- No but i have a brother who i spose you'd consider a step brother I dont he is my brother and that is it. He has skitzophrenia, he has been in and out of institutions and prison and now you can no longer have a conversation with him his mind is totally gone :( and ive seen the effects of my father never accepting him as his own has had on him and it sux! His birth father also wanted nothing to do with him. So I am quite passionate about this subject and I know it would be hard but I believe every child deserves a mother and or father to love them unconditionally and i believe this child is screaming out for love and acceptance along with some support from relevant agencies/ organisations. As i said im not trying to be hurfull i am just adding my opinion like everyone else.

Catherine - posted on 01/31/2011

Do what you feel is right. If you both want another baby which seems to be right? Have anotther baby!! I have a 12 yaer ols step-son and my husband and I have 3 children together - the youngest is 13 months - so if it is the age difference - I wouldn't worry about that either. My step-son and my youngest have the most beautifull bond, which he alos has with the other two. Hope it helps

Amy - posted on 01/31/2011

I say do what you and your husband want! Don't let a child or in-laws pick want you want to do with your family. Sounds to me like you are a great mom! The good days and the bad days you are a great mother!!! Best of luck

Kelly - posted on 01/31/2011

I have to agree first of all, with everyone who has said that this decision is yours and your husband's, and not your in-law's or anyone else's to make. When my husband and I got married at 18, my in-laws thought (and told us repeatedly) that we needed to wait 10 years to have a baby. Well that wasn't what we wanted, and we didn't wait that long, and everyone got over it because we were (and are) good parents. However, I also agree with the ladies who have mentioned that this 6-year-old needs you to be his MOTHER. You are all he has. I know it must be incredibly difficult dealing with his situation, and I am not belittling that in any way. I don't have stepchildren but I do have one adopted and three bioligical, and I can promise you it is possible to love a child born to someone else, just as much as the ones you birth yourself. You keep referring to having another "of your own", but he is yours too. If you think that others "play favorites", what are you doing? I don't mean that to be harsh; I absolutely believe you are trying to love and care for this boy. But stop and think, you could have a baby that had the same or worse problems that he has. Would your feelings be the same towards that baby as they are towards him-that it was keeping you from being happy? Having children means taking what you get, even health or mental problems, disabilities, or another boy instead of a girl. Just something for you to seriously think about before you make this decision. I hope things settle down with him, and your family can find peace and happiness in whatever you decide.

Lisa - posted on 01/31/2011

At the end of the day, this is yours and your husbands decision, not your in laws or anybody eles. Your husband should stand up and explain this to them, and ask them not to treat the children differently, it is not fair on them they are innocent in all of this!! Your step son may be hard work, goodness makes my own situation sound like a walk in the park, however had a child with any problems shouldn't be the deciding factor in the want to have a another, that feeling is the most natural primal instinct and you should not be made to feel guilty for having it!! Good Luck, I hope you can work this out to a resolve that will make everyone happy!!

Renee - posted on 01/31/2011

NO offence, but it might help if you stop thinking about it as his son, and your son. They are both sons, to both of you. You may not have given birth to your step son, but maybe the first step it to help him not feel alienated by his only mother figure! Just a thought!

Hannah - posted on 01/31/2011

Don't let your in-laws run your life, if you and your husband want another baby, then have another baby! It sounds like not having another baby is just causing resentment towards the step-son, what he needs is to be loved and treated the same as his half siblings. It would be un-fair to him and cause more problems if you show favoritism towards your child then to him, when you married your husband, he came with the package and as his mom is out of the picture you are the only mom he has. So if you want to try for a baby girl...Have fun : ).

Susan - posted on 01/31/2011

I have 8 children, 1 marriage (just wanted to get that straight). Just because you have more children does not mean that you give less love or attention to one child. I think that they get more social skills, and get along better with others, when you have more than one or two. My mother did not want me to have more children and in fact said that one was too many (LOL). I never listened to her, and we did fine. If you love and care for the step son, just make sure you treat him and love him like he is your own, no problem having more, it is really between you and your husband, not your inlaws.

Katherine - posted on 01/31/2011

hey Melissa green- do you have step children?

Dawn - posted on 01/31/2011

I hope you won't let his side of the family dictate what you and your husband both agree upon. As for your step son well, is he taking any meds. for his condition? Is he recieving any counseling?

Stacy - posted on 01/31/2011

Hello Kathy, a prewarning this may sound a little too critical so please try and keep an open mind to what I am about to say, I don't know you so I am not judging just suggesting...

I couldn't help but notice on your profile that you only have 1 child listed (not your stepson), you also mentioned that your stepson's mother has signed over her rights and it doesn't appear from what you have written that her or her family is all that involved with him (so sad!)...I can't help but feel complete and utter heartbreak for this poor boy...it is so obvious that he may be crying out for attention, children tend to act out (mental disorder or no) in order to receive any kind of attention even negative when attention is lacking and they are hurting emotionally...he's only 6, he's a little boy, do you think it is fair of you to place all the blame for any unhappiness in your family life onto this small child? Perhaps you should work on your relationship with your stepson before you think about having another baby. He needs a mother and since his is out of the picture you need to step up and take on more of that role (I am not saying that you don't take care of and care for him, but by all appearances it seems that you don't feel for him the same way as you do your own child.)

I believe this poor child needs more love and of course adequate discipline and care. You need to think of him as your own and not treat him any differently, maybe you should start by also posting his photo onto your profile. Please do right by this child, he just needs a mother, not a stepmother...

I wish you all the best of luck and pray that you are able to form a deeper loving bond with your stepson!

Myrtis - posted on 01/31/2011

There is no rush here! You can wait until things settle down with your stepson before you start on a new adventure. Focus on the now, on your healthy happy son, focus on getting to a place where you and your stepson are not engaged in a power struggle. Later, you can consider if you are really ready to have another child, first enjoy the ones you have now, they are blessings even if it doesn't always seem like it. :)

Good luck.

Sammie - posted on 01/31/2011

Don't let your parents in law make the choice for you. What you and your husband decide is your business and they should be supportive, not a hinderance. That said, and I don't intend to offend you, I find it very selfish to have a child purely because you "want a girl". Will you resent the baby if it's a boy? I don't think wanting a specific sex is a reason to have a baby. I also think you should put some time into alternative therapy or management for your eldest child before having another baby. If he has so many difficulties now, another baby is just going to push dealing with them further to the back.

Heather - posted on 01/30/2011

You seem like a caring and loving mother to both your children. I'm sure you know there are lots of options for caring for a child with bipolar disorder. That doesn't mean daily life will be easy. But it can and will get better with time like a professional has already advised you. I know people who have dealt with it. I don't have that issue so I can't tell you what to do. But even without a disability raising kids will be a challenging job! If you two are ready to grow your family one more, I say go for it! Children are blessings. And your in laws will get over it eventually. I would advise that you handle that with sensitivity. I wouldn't say to their face "none of your business". You can nicely say you understand they are concerned for their grandchildren, but yall still want a big family and hope they will love all their grandchildren. They may be upset but they will settle down. What matters most is all of your kids are lived and have theirs needs met by you and your husband. Good luck and enjoy your good times!

Melissa - posted on 01/30/2011

This is not meant to be hurtful in any way what so ever this is just what I would do personally, I would try to stop looking at the 6 year old as my step son and take him on as my son. I would try to get some early intervention help for the bi-polar, maybe there would be some therapy you could do to help his behaviour. I would look at him as my second child and try to coneect with him on a deeper level. I know this would be hard but i believe do able. There is also no guarantee you would have a daughter, i have 3 sons. I hope things get better for you and him as a family.

Tasha - posted on 01/30/2011

You could always try. You and your husband could say ok we are going to try for 5 months. If it happens it was ment to be, if it doesnt then ok maybe not ment to be right now. You and your husband need to be happy. Your inlaws are just that inlaws. Dont let anyone run your marriage but you and your husband. If you dont do what you two feel is right in the future it could cause problems for you and him and you dont want that!

Heather - posted on 01/30/2011

I would say have the girl. If you and your husband want another child its your marriage. You both think you can handle it. You didnt marry his family you married into it. They have no say in how many kids you should have. Good luck!

Tina - posted on 01/30/2011

Wow! I really feel for you! my sister has bipolar disorder! its hard to be a sibling of a bipolar child, however it taught me so much.This Lil boy should not run your home or make your decisions for you. The second he thinks he has control he will take over your house and it will turn into a hell zone. Have you tried a behavior therapist? I can tell you care about your husband, stepson, and your son. you should have more kids. Explain to your stepson throught the entire pregnancy what a new baby means. Treat him like an adult. I am 11 months older than my sister and sometimes i feel 5 years older. I have a family, my own home, I go to college and what not. She dont yet have those things. Someday she will and What I try to do for her now is show her the type of life she could have if she worked hard to get there.
As for your problem, Its your life! I would go ahead with the pregnancy. Sit down and talk to his family!! Tell them that you love your stepson very much but that you are gonna go through with another pregnancy. If they cant understand thats their life. I am very blessed when comes to my inlaws they give me advice and then tell me that ultimately she is my child and the decisions are mine and her dads. Sometimes my MIL can get a little overbearing. But when I need her shes there! but no i would go through with having another baby. Your stepson will understand and if you show him love he will know its there, he may not always tell you but in the end he will know you love him and he loves you too.
You are a good mom, being a step parent can be more challenging than being a parent. I am not a stepmom but I have a step dad. and still regret some of the things we put him through just because we wanted something that wasnt there (our father)
Keep your head held high and GET PREGNANT!

Tina

Medic - posted on 01/29/2011

You should tell his parents to back off.......My friends 6 year old has the same diagnosis and has made amazing progress...message me if you want to know more. But as for the playing favorites tell them its all or nothing. My parents know they either take both kids or no kids. The only time its different is if I or the other grandparents have something planned for one as long as they both go somewhere its fair.

Amy - posted on 01/29/2011

I am not trying to make you feel like a bad parent becasue you are a good one!!! Do you try and disaplen him in any way? I just don't think his behavior is corrrect no matter what disgnosses he has. Its somthing that has to be corrected. I know it takes time and its probly a big stress. I would not let this keep you form more kids of your own though. I think you can't let the grand parents play favorts them selves. Its not fair right to your youngest right now. I hope I did not offend you!!!

Michelle - posted on 01/29/2011

First of all don't let your husbands family dictate to you about this. It's not their business really. I'm sure it will be hard some days and wonderful others. My mother in law and sister in law didn't want my husband and I to have other kids after we had my son. They are very vocal about it because they believe we are over populating the earth. But it's none of their business and we just had our 3rd. I am sure that if you had another baby it would work out just fine and it would not be unfair to your stepson at all. Somewhat off subject, if you're struggling with his behavior now I would suggest seeking out a support group if you haven't already. Getting the support you need (and maybe some guidance towards things that may help your stepson in the long run). Bi polar disorder is very difficult for both your family and your step son, but is definitely not a reason to not have another child if you want one.

Elfrieda - posted on 01/29/2011

Um, your parents-in-law aren't in the bedroom with you making sure you're using protection, right? Well...

Katherine - posted on 01/29/2011

i am in your shoes. My husband has a stepson and custoddy of him. My mother n law said no more kids after I had my first. Yeah sorry I want a big family because my husband ans i love kids. his son had to accept he was not the only kid around. I will not hold back and be unhappy. its my life and choice. I am pregnant with our 3 and will have 1 more. the hell with them telling you what to do with your life.