Is it ok for the husband to do NOTHING

Margaret - posted on 08/11/2010 ( 49 moms have responded )

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My husband works all day and gets home and wants dinner but he refuses to watch our 1 year old because he is TOOOO tired and he says its a womens job is that right???

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[deleted account]

Men are dumb. That's my conclusion.



Mine's exactly the same way. I just made him a list TODAY actually of all the things that I expect of him and all the things that are expected of me. He had FOUR and I had FOURTY. I let him read the lists and then told him to pick which one he wanted to do. I'll let you know if it worked or not. But the look on his face was priceless......

Lady Heather - posted on 08/11/2010

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Ummm...no. This is what I don't get about that attitude - before we had a kid we both worked and then came home and shared the household responsibilities. After we have a kid, obviously I'm home so I should technically have more time to get some of the housework done. For sure. BUT that isn't all there is to do. I'm freaking molding the world's future! You have to make time to play and sing songs and make mess and then clean that mess because that's how babies and little ones become people. So you're splitting your time that way. And if you end up working all night on housework and he comes home and sits on his butt - well your life got harder and his life got easier. Why should his life get easier and his workload get lighter? That makes no sense to me.

And why wouldn't he want to spend time with his kid after work? Isn't that the only time he has for family?

Avie - posted on 08/11/2010

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NOOOOO!!!! It's very difficult to cook with a toddler running around. Mine doesn't help out a whole lot with housework, but he helps out with his son. It's hard to not feel a little guilty about asking for help from them when they're working all day and the only one bringing in a paycheck (they have no idea what it's like being home alone with a child all day every day). Your little one needs some time with daddy, too.

Carolyn - posted on 08/17/2010

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If you think he is even a little right, u would be wayyyyyyyyy off. I am doing some child care from home now along with my own 3 kids. My husband works but I fully expect him to help, start making a list like Britney said. I think im going to try that myself. Thanks Britney.
Tell him it is NOT a womans job. its 2010, not 1950

Anna - posted on 08/16/2010

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My husband tried pulling this one too... Since the birth of our 2nd child I only work 2-3 days a week so I can take care of our kids. He works about 60 hours a week, I have talked to him about my expectations and we also have a list of things that are to be done daily. It helps us comunicate more too

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Terri - posted on 09/29/2012

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How come the wife gets stuck with everything. I'am so fed up and you would think that when he sees that i'am upset that he would want to make it right,but no, he just gets defensive. If my husband had a problem i would help all i could, i would not want him to be upset. i think maybe us women should let things go for about a week and see what happens then. I think we should all play the dumb game like they do,they play dumb like they don't know anything so they can get out of it.I have been married for 22 years and i am just about had all i can take.

Lori - posted on 06/26/2011

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No,my husband hardly ever home and when he is he usually sleeps or ends up finding something to do. We constantly are in arguments about it. He is a parent just like me and still should take on some of the responsibility of raising his child.

Michelle - posted on 06/22/2011

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My husband works hard too (60+ hours a week and out of town 1- 2 weeks a month). He often says it is my job to do pretty much everything to do with the house and kids. Not because it's the woman's job so much as it's the stay at home parents "job". To an extent he's right. It is my job to do a larger portion of the housework/ childcare, but the truth is the kids belong to both of us as does the house etc. I don't have enough time to do it all with 3 kids. So we're working on changing that notion before the whole house is a complete wreck or the kids put themselves in danger because I'm trying to do too many things at once. It's getting better around here but it'll take a while. One person just can't do it all so the idea seems silly.

Anna-Lisa - posted on 06/22/2011

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My boyfriend is the same thing except we both work only I work from 8 till about 6pm because he refuses to pick me up from work and I usually have to wait till I get a drop home, I usually work the whole time though as I work in an advertising agency there are always things to do. He works from about 9 to 2 and when I come home I have too cook to and he doesn't want to watch our 2 yr old daughter because he did it "whole day" sometimes I ask him if he thinks i'm out doing my nails and not working

Ebonie - posted on 08/18/2010

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no thats not true...if it was just a women's job then y do we need a man to help with the creation. i feel the same way that u do. my husband won't even watch the kids for a few so that i could get me some time to myself.

Anna - posted on 08/18/2010

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No its not, my husband works all day too and when he gets home he always helps out, I know its difficult and tiring my youngest is 21 months old and its still hard but my hubby always helps we do it together. you need a break too. and its good bonding for your hubby and his daughter x

Kari - posted on 08/17/2010

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LOL forget that... my husband does everything I do. On his days off he gets up with her so I can sleep in. He'll take her to the store with him so I can get a break. He'll help me clean and do dishes on his day off. Like I told him as a mother, wife, cook, and maid we don't get days off we get breaks and it's the fathers job to make sure we get that even if it's not that long. LOL let him know that it can come in handy for him after the baby goes to sleep if your not crazy tired and a few moments of "Me Time" can help with those nightly head aches.

Cristina - posted on 08/17/2010

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I'm fortunate enough to have a husband who is a co-parent. He changed diapers, did feedings when he could, took care when I needed a break. Even to this day, he fixes meals when he's home to, does dishes and laundry when he can, and co-disciplines when necessary. I also come from a father who was more of a 5th child than a co-parent! I don't even remember him changing a diaper of my sibling. I've gotta say, I resent my dad for the lack of caregiving. In fact, when my son was just months old, we went to my folks for the holidays. My husband was changing my sons diaper. My dad looked at my husband, like a dog crooks its head when it hears a strange sound, and asked, "What are you doing?" to my hubby. My husband said, "Changing his diaper." My dad said, "That's the mom's job! I never had to change the kids' diapers!" And my funny, smart husband answered, "Well, you don't know what you're missing!"
I was SO enthused that he was that supportive . . . and disguisted with my father ever since!

You really shouldn't put up with that. You should try to talk with him before that behavior becomes a habit. Good luck!

Anjela - posted on 08/17/2010

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No it's not! My husband works all day too. He is also away a lot too. He comes home and offers to help with dinner. Some days he says that he will cook dinner. On Saturdays I have a lie in and he tends to the children. I get breakfast in bed and he loads both the washing machine and dishwasher. On Sundays he gets the breakfast in bed. Our marriage is a partnership. We both do the ironing, he mostly cooks. We have two sons and a daughter. Our children know that we all have to pitch in. There is no "it's a womens job". I hope you don't mind me saying but tell your husband to stop being lazy and set an example to your child. We are in 2010 not 1910! x

Danielle - posted on 08/17/2010

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Just because you stay at home and he works does not make you a single mom! He is still a father and is still responsible for helping to raise your child. He is gone all day and you child only gets to see him a few hours a day at most so he should spend some of that time bonding with his child. I don't get why men act like spending time with their children is a chore or only something a woman should do.
I hope it gets better and he gets more involved.

Trinda - posted on 08/17/2010

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no its not ok,we work 24/7 we dont get holidays or sick days etc.i found that i had to push hubby into helping i found i had to ask as im always being told they arent mind readers lol,and he dose help me more now.but he helped make our daughter and i get tired too.maybe u need to leave him with the baby for a day but keep an eye out of course and let him see what u have to do.i hope its gets sorted for u.take care

Bridgette - posted on 08/17/2010

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Well My husband does the same but I think when the children were little he was afraid to watch the kids alone. MY husband is an aspbergers and he feels comfortable working and comming home to spend time on the online games. (I finally go the kids to bug him so much that he now has movie and game night with us. Leave all the "Man's work, garbage all garbage in house, etc for him, Remind him after work and say u are too tired from all the womans work you do all day.

Lisa - posted on 08/17/2010

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No, it is not o.k. for husbands to do nothing at home! Saying it is a woman's job is "old school", knukle dragging mentality, a cop out, quite frankly B.S.! HOWEVER.....do not plead your case using any of those terms LOL You need to remind him that regardless of who brings home the pay check you are BOTH parents to your child. You must believe that you have the power to change this situation. Be gentle, kind and firm. Don't give up and Good Luck!

Katie - posted on 08/16/2010

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I can't believe in this day and age men still think they can get away with being distant fathers! Get real! My husband works 12-14 hour days (on his feet all day) and looks after our 9mth old while I get dinner on. More often than not, she is playing in the lounge room and he sits with her! He does do night time bath, nappies etc as well. And for all this we have a great friendship and marriage! And our girl LOVES Daddy!

Chitney-Ann - posted on 08/16/2010

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Whoa! That is very unacceptable. My boyfriend was like that when we first had our daughter. He didn't want to watch her or change her diaper or anything. He made me feel like I was lucky to be able to make him get up in the middle of the night just to get the bottle or make her one in the first place because she needed special milk.I think you just need to tell him not to get mad when your child gets older and may not want him as opposed to wanting his/her mommy. My daughter is 2 years old and 4 months and he would get so mad at her just because she never wanted him. Everything was and still is mommy. That's how bad it got and we would argue because I didn't like the fact that it would irritate him. I basically told him one night, when he was just about to leave that he needed to take his daughter with him because it was the only time she cried for him and he ignored her to the point where i was like, if he doesn't take her or do more things with her to get her used to him now, that it would mostlikely never happen or happen too late for her to even care that he's making an effort.

Lisa - posted on 08/16/2010

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When we made the decision that I would stay home, we discussed a job description and yes, the majority of the household duties fall to me. However, caring for the children is shared and he enjoys spending time with them and caring for them because it's a stress reliever. They laugh and race and wrestle and tickle. He helps with baths and bedtimes.
So yes, I would agree that he should get out of his 1954 mentality and remember that the woman's movement changed more than a woman's role in the workplace!!

Gina - posted on 08/16/2010

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ABSOLUTELY NOT! when you got married ,that ment that you became a TEAM. You BOTH had the fun of "making " this child,he contributed HALF the DNA--so in my mind that means that he gets to have half the responsibility!Women are not June Cleaver anymore and it's not just a "mom thing",it's a parent thing. Th least he can do is throw a load in the dryer and play blocks or something with HIS child while your slaveing over dinner!

Crystal - posted on 08/16/2010

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No, it's not right. I've had this same situation with my hubby, although he doesn't say it's "women's work" he says it's my "job" because I'm a SAHM and he works outside the house. I don't think so. I told him that we both made the conscious decision to have a family, it's both of our respoinsiblities to care for it. Yes, he works outside the house to support us, but he needs to help with some things around the house too, and especially with the kids. How does you hubby expect to form a bond with your child if he doesn't put in the effort? I recently posed the question to my hubby...so what's going to happen when I go back to work? Am I still going to be the one doing everything? he said no, but who knows. You definitely need to have a little chat with your hubby ...and make sure you're getting away (on weekends if it's the only time) for your "me" time. :) best of luck!

Flora - posted on 08/15/2010

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I can understand your frustration. Sometimes I feel like I have 4chn, instead of 3. I have a busy household with two teenage boys and a very demanding 3yr old girl. I am a stay at home mum, my husband works nites. I have made bold statements to all of them, stating that I am not a slave to pick up after them. I am not here to make their lives easier. If they want easy then we pull together as a unit. Thats what a family is!. We share everything. I am fortunate most of the time,my hubby is in agreeance. And especially when your chn are older and have to go out in the wider world. Some poor girl/man they meet up with, dosen't want to be there parent, but a partner. So just tell you husband that if he wants a mother, then he should just go home and have her tend to his needs, as you already have to tend to your own child. I find that even out of your own sanity, you need your own time out. Walk out, hand him, his child and let him deal with what needs doing. They soon realize that our jobs as home makers is not particularly glorious one, as they think. hope some of this can help you.. I think the you have to enforce some of that, "you have to be cruel to be kind". senario. good luck

Becky - posted on 08/15/2010

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Old school ways the men took care of the outside ( by going out to work and providing for their family) But when it came to the inside the woman was expected to do all the work. An ideal would have things equal and A man should take an active role in their child's life by helping with caring for the child. It would create better bonding between father and child.

[deleted account]

Wow is he serious!! how mean that's his kid too...my ex-husband hardley ever spent time with our daughter he's in the army but when he wasn't overseas his best friend was his x-box 360 finally after putting up with him i got a divorce in jan 2009 after being with him for 9 years i just couldn't take it anymore and me and my daughter deserved better and now i have a boyfriend that i have been with for 18 mnts and he absolutly adores me and my daughter were very happy.....I'm sure your husband gets days off right? ask him to take your son to the park,or get up with him in the morning or night...if he refuses and still says hes tired it's just an excuse and i think it's b.s sorry to come off as mean but your post just brought up a bunch of old memories good luck = )

Dashanda - posted on 08/14/2010

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No it is not OK my husband works 10 to 12 hours a day and still helps me around the house.He takes 1 day off every week so I can have the day to myself nails done,shopping,errands,etc.My husband does laundry cook,lawn,tidy the house up whatever needs to be done.Men really need to realize that we can't do EVERYTHING we need TIME to our self sometimes.Our son is (18months) and we are potty training him my husband puts him on the potty when he comes home from work which can be 4:30 a.m sometimes.Yes my husband is the "bread winner" ,but he also gives me help when needed.You need to have a serious talk with him about this because it can mess your marriage up.Good Luck

[deleted account]

Are you ok with that?

That's your answer.

Each relationship functions differently, and there is no right or wrong way.

We have a pretty solid routine. Dad comes home from work and plays with baby. I cook dinner and then we all eat together. After dinner, Dad bathes the baby and puts him to bed, while I tidy the kitchen. Baby goes to bed around 7:30, and then we have adult time- whew!

Yamira - posted on 08/14/2010

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No!..it's not ok!...I am a stay at home Mom and my husband works nights and he still takes care of our 8 year old and 7month old!..every morning when he gets home he takes our 7month old out of the crib and feeds him and changes his diaper until I wake up..which is usually at 8:00 am...because he says that he understands that i am with the kids all day and that I need a little extra sleep...look, you both made your child or children so you both should be taking care of your children!...he shouldn't use that excuse!

Kristi - posted on 08/14/2010

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I used to feel that since by husband did work out of the home that I should do everything baby related but after a meltdown one day I realized that the children are both ofour responsibilites. I try not to 'dump' the kids on my husband as soon as he gets home from work but he does spendtimewith them while I make dinner and get things ready for bath time. It is a lot of work looking after kids all day. Husbands should help!

Mrs. - posted on 08/13/2010

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I'm guessing you know the answer to the question before you asked it and just want people to tell you they agree right? The answer is obvious and probably should be to your husband. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong in this case if both of you are not getting what you need. Having kids is such a big life change that as couples we just fall into patterns because they are easy in the moment. Those habits end up being very hard in the long run. I grew up in a very liberal household where my mother worked (with the exception of a few years when I was a baby) and was by no means a shrinking violet. Still, I fight to combat those voices in my head that tell me I must do everything a "traditional" mother should do and more. Men are like this too. No matter how liberal their upbringings they still fight with those voices in their head telling them to, "provide, provide, provide" and that they work..therefore they don't have to do anything else. Hard to fight, the only thing for it is to wrestle through it with some hard core communication. If you're finding this impossible, that's all a good therapist will help you with, communicating your needs effectively. There's no harm in it, that's for sure.
It's isolating to feel that your partner is no helping you. I know I tend to completely withdrawal if this happens. I know a lot of men do the same thing.

Maybe there is something other than housework/the kids that your husband needs too but can't communicate or is afraid to and this is his way of rebelling? You never know, some of it might be that he thinks you don't give him enough affection anymore or that you don't love him like you used to. Men will never admit this unless asked sometimes.

Sarah - posted on 08/13/2010

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I cannot beleive how many moms are raising their kids ALONE like single moms, even though they are married or have a significant other.

It is not a matter of 'being too tired' a father should want to spend time with his child after not seeing them all day. SAD.

Stifler's - posted on 08/12/2010

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I do everything else like cleaning and washing and cooking but I don't care as long as he looks after the turd while I go out when I say.

Stifler's - posted on 08/12/2010

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NO! My partner is forced to get up to the baby in the morning one day a week... I put a pillow over my head and refuse to get up. I also ditch the baby with him sometimes on Friday afternoon or Sat morning to go shopping.

Michelle - posted on 08/12/2010

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It definitely sounds like you guys need to go to a marriage counselor unless he's willing for you guys to talk as a couple. It's not bad going to a marriage counselor nothing to be embarrassed about. Sometimes it was nice having a third party there with no personal involvement. Also, you guys might have to try different counselors until you find one that you are comfortable with. I know my mom wishes she and my dad went in the beginning or throughout the years. It would've helped some issues.



Don't be surprised if you go and maybe 5 years later you go again. That's what happened to us. The first time we went it was about what each others expectations were for each other and such. That more or less got fixed (we tune-up that part when needed), but other issues came up that was festering underneath the other issues. It just took a few years for them to fester up. Relationships are hard. You have to fight to be heard and to hear what they are saying. Good luck!

Margaret - posted on 08/12/2010

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Maybe I need to go to marriage counseling as well! like you said michelle! it made him realize! maybe that is just what we need! he works from 5 to 5 and it really frustrates me when he wont do anything and yeah like Heather L. said as well you have to mold the future...I kinda like that fraze...you have sing and play and pay all your attention to her. I read to her and I cant even think at the moment what else that I do! but I do a lot! the idea of giveing him a list of chores I would normally do and leave is a good idea! and thankfully we have no friends OR family around here so he cant pawn her onto someone else!
but it irritates me that like today I left for an hour to go to the store and I came back to find out that he put her in her bed for time out! I dont even think he should do that because then she is going to to think that everytime she gets into bed she is in trouble we have a chair to sit her in, but she now likes to carry it everywhere with her! which defeats the purpose, but he just wont listen to my ways of punishment and thinks he can do things his wa...I mean he even tells me not to tell him how to raise his daughter! HELLO, she is my daughter just as well and I DO have a right to tell him how to raise her!

Michelle - posted on 08/12/2010

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No, I expect my husband to help. I figure when he's at work then I'm at "work" and when he gets home then it's time for us to be a family and we each contribute. Sometimes that means he cooks dinner, cleans up, does laundry, cleaning the bathrooms or whatever, mowing the lawn, playing with kids, or watching the kids while I get alone time or when I need to run errands. I also do these things to. We all take turns doing different jobs. Don't let your partner be a slacker. If you wanted to be a single parent then you would've divorced him and asked for alimony. If you get what I mean. He is supposed to be a partner in a relationship.



My husband used to not be as good as being a partner until we started having problems and had counseling and then he realized all I was doing and how I was feeling, etc. We talked about what each of our expectations were/are and went from there. We have our moments, most relationships do, but overall he's my partner in our marriage and with our children.

Melissa - posted on 08/12/2010

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I don't know but my husband does the same thing, he works 10 hours a day and wants to come home eat and just veg. out and do nothing unless it's something he wants to do like hang out with his friends, but will he watch our 3 year old no because he never gets anytime to himself. He says I'm the one who deals with her and when she won't listen or won't behave he blames me because she spends more time with me. So I get where you are at.

Heather - posted on 08/12/2010

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no that is not right but i know what your going through my husband has been out of work since december and refuses to help with any of our 6 kids and do any house work all i can say is talk to him about it if that doesnt work then take more drastic mesures but i am making a bill for my husband to show him how many jobs i do at home and how much it would cost him to hire out if i went to work hope that helps

Corinne - posted on 08/12/2010

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So what if he's tired?! What about you? You're working all day, every day caring for your child and coping with all the housework as well. When is your day off? Next time he has a day off, give him the baby and a list of the jobs you would do that day, and leave the house. Make sure you forewarn your parents and your in-laws so he doesn't make arrangements for someone else to have the child though. Hopefully, this will help him see all that you do in a day and will make him more likely to help out in future. It worked for me! Good luck. x

Michelle - posted on 08/12/2010

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No!
My husband doesn't really do any house work when he gets home from work, which is fine because he does stuff on the weekend and he does work very hard. However- what does bother me is when he gets home and I hand him our 3 month old daughter so I can have a little break and make some dinner, he just holds her and paces around watching me waiting for his chance to give her back. Don't get me wrong he loves his daughter and he's great with her. But sometimes he acts like it's babysitting or something. Also- he has NEVER put her down for bed. He will try for about 15 min and then gives her to me and says that he's too frustrated. GRRRR Just a little rant.

Kimberly - posted on 08/12/2010

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NO its not alright. My husband works all day and most days he cooks dinner. I work all day taking care of the kids, cleaning, doing laundry, running errands now lets talk about tired. Your not his mother and marriage is all about working together he can't expect you to do everything with no help from him wether he works or not.

Louise - posted on 08/12/2010

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That child whether he likes it or not is half his responsiblity. My husband works 14 hours days some days and still brings work home with him but he is always home to bath our toddler and put her to bed. This is his time with her and they have the one to one attention they need to bond. Your husband should pull his weight in some way with your child and to be honest he should wont to participate in your babies life whether that is nappy changing or feeding. Kick him up the butt and tell him to pull his socks up.

Jenn - posted on 08/12/2010

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Ask him if he wants it that way then why is he with you? That's what single Mom's do. If he's too tired to watch the baby then he's too tired to eat so go to bed!

Candice - posted on 08/11/2010

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So what if he is tired? You are probably tired too half the time! What makes his role as the worker so special? You too have a busy day, looking after a child! It is nonstop, all day, and you deserve a break occasionally. It shouldn't be such an effort for him to watch your bubba for a while. It's not like you are asking every day right? He needs to start appreciating just how much you do as a mother, and that his role as the income earner doesn't make him top dog. Every now and then for him to watch bubba isn't too much to ask at all. He should want to, tired or not.

Denikka - posted on 08/11/2010

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Definitely NOT right. So he works...so what? So do you and your days are WAY longer.
Tell him to suck it up. Either he cooks dinner for the family or he watches the kidlet while you do.
He's the DAD. Which means he is one HALF of the parental unit. He needs to step up and be the caregiver when he needs to.
What would happen if you got sick and COULDN'T watch the kiddo for a period of time? Would he just pawn the little one off on someone else or something?

I will say though, if he hasn't been forced to care for the baby in the past year, it could be that he's afraid. Dad's don't have the instincts to rely on, so they're usually afraid they're going to do something wrong. So they'd rather do nothing if they can get away with it (although most would NEVER admit to it :P). The most important thing is to get him comfortable with doing things for the baby, bathing, feeding, changing, the whole shebang.
Good luck :)

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