Is there any hope for us?

Kylie - posted on 04/29/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I'll give you a little back ground to so you can see that I am at the end of my rope. In January we had a serious money issue, my husband didn't get paid, and as a teachers aide I wasn't getting paid either. Then in February the car rego was due, and I also hit a parked car in the supermarket, so we just have this mounting stress of no money. We had also been trying for a second baby, with no luck for several months. By the time it got to March I went to the doctor and was told I had polycyctic-ovarian syndrome, so that means I will have heaps of trouble getting pregnant, and went on one of those shake diets to lose some weight, so we can see if that helps us, as we have no money for IVF. Also in March I was told that I wouldn't have any work next term because of a change in children's hours, and a boy leaving. Then in the last weekend in March we were broken into, nearly $15,000 worth of stuff was stolen, as well as our car. We my husband found the car, and the police took it, and then sent it on to a smash repairer's they had the car for nearly 7 weeks. I was thankfully able to borrow my sisters car for all of that time. We got the car back yesterday, they have damaged it worse then when it went to them. My poor baby also has had his first ear infection this week.

Ok, so it was my birthday on Wednesday, and my husband siad he was making me a suprise dinner. I thought that was really sweet, especailly as we had been fighting alot because of the stress, and I was feeling like he was taking all of his frustrations out on me. (I also had to go out and buy my own presents, because he won't, "I don't know what you like"). Now I have been luck enough to be getting some casual days as an aide since term went back, and the only day they could offer me was Wednesday this week, so off I went to work, having stayed at my parent's house the day before, (because they are much closer to the school then I am) and left my baby with my father. We had also had a big family dinner on the Tuesday in which Micheal had shouted at and upset me alot because our (mine and Joshy's) stuff wasn't ready to go to Mum and Dad's get and I asked him for help with it. So then on the Wednesday, 5 minets after school let out, Micheal rings me, he want's me to run around to a post office and pick something up for him, but I needed to leave right away and get home to try and beat the heavy traffic to be home for dinner. So I told him that I can't and that I needed to get goning home, only to find out that he is already at home, having already gone past the post office he needed, and not bothering to pick the package up. So I get back to my parent's place packed my car and headed home to my birthday dinner. When I got home he came out and got Joshy out of the car, and went in (now I should add as a brithday thing we do you don't have to do anything, no nappies, no packing away or anything) so I got a few bags and went into the house too, he then asks me "is there anything else in the car" as usual, he reached over the stuff in the car to get the baby out! So I told him yes to which he says to me " well what did you bring in!" I was so angery I could barely speak. So after I explained what I brought in, why I shouldn't have had to do it, and where he could put the rest of the stuff, he told me "why do you have to be such a bitch all the time" like he had done nothing wrong. After me having to ask he said he was sorry for that comment, and then went and dumped everything upstairs without putting it away. After a little while I calmed down and tired to talk to him about this special suprise dinner I was meant to be having. I had also given him some money to buy stuff, and told him that I expect alot of change from what I had given him, (being that we had no money). So I asked how much of the money was left over, he told me $1.50, out of $70, on a dinner for two that didn't involve wine or anything like that, infact nearly everything he made we had in the house, and he jus bought new stuff instead of using what we had. And bought coffee icecream, which he knows (but always mangages to forget) that I hate. So I was understandabley upset. He had gotten a movie for us to watch, so we sat down to watch it, through out which we were fighting, then he got up and went up stairs, I thought he had gone to the bathroom, but no he had gone to bed, with out even saying good night. I also hadn't been given my birthday presents.

I'd had enough, I totally lost it, he'd even gone to sleep in the other room, like he was so offended. So I woke him and told him how out of line he was to do this to me, and ruin my birthday (he has form and has done this or similar the past 3 years). So after some time he got up, and I told him that I was totally miserable in out marrage, and if it didn't stop, the lack of respect on top of many outher things, then we didn't have any hope of working.

In our house we decided that Micheal would work, and I would stay home with the kids until they were at school. Micheal lied to me about how much money we would have to live on, and now I am having to find work atleast two days a week, and leave my 17 month old in the care of others. But he still expects me to do all the work in the house, as well as run around and do any other errands he deems are needed. I can't get him to do anything with out asking 5 or6 times, and usually I have to shout. Then sometimes he'll decide to clean the whole house then then tell everyone like he is the champion of the world, and then when he leaver other things, that he should do, like taking out bins, feeding the pets and cleaning up the dog poop in the yard he get angery "I clean the whole house this week, why can't you do it!" even when I try to explain I'd rather that what he needs to do gets done and don't clean the house he doesn't care, he just tells me that all I do is sit around, and sleep, I don't do anything.

So I tried to talk about all of this with him on Wednesday night, to which all he said was "I'd say I'm sorry but I don't think it will help" I told him all I want to do is see some hope for us. I asked him why he wanted to stay married to me, his reply "Oh...I love you I guess"

Yesterday I tried several times, to get him tot alk to me about how he was feeling about what I said and if he wanted say anything, he didn't.

Last night we got home late, I was falling alseep in the car (not driving), so I said to Micheal, could he please do the washing up (like 2 plates, and a bottle) and I would take care of everything else in the morning.

He woke me to say goodbye this morning, he leaves very early, and to tell me that the washing up wasn't done. So I came downstairs with my baby. His medicine cup was in the dirty washing, so I had to improvise, then I let our puppy in out of the frezzing cold (something else Micheal is meant to do before he goes to work), but he was filthy and now there is dirty paw marks all over my carpet. Then I see the laundry (where the pets sleep, also Micheal's job to keep clean) and there is kitty litter everywhere. Which I can't/shouldn't touch, because we are trying for a baby, and the litter can have some bad illness that can hurt/kill unborn babies.

As well as this, he used all the milk last night, so I didn't have any to give Joshy this morning. So I need to get to the shops for milk, I need to take my car back to a mechance to fix what the others broke, we were invited out but I can't afford it, so we can't go, and I have to ring several companies about a broken dustbuster, and our insurance claim so I can find out when we are getting the rest of our stuff back.

I have reached my coping level. I get no real support from Micheal, he doesn't seem to want to put in any effort. I don't think I can handle anymore from him or any where else. Should I try and stuck it out, and hope that when all the stress is resolved we will be better, or should I cut my losses, because if he can't be there for me when it is this bad what hope do we really have for the future???

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4 Comments

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Louise - posted on 04/30/2010

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Money worries can stress us all out and put a huge amount of strain onto a marriage. Take a deep breath and calm down. Sit quietly and think what you want for the future. Is the fact that your husband does nothing around the house a new thing or has he always shyed away from housework. Little problems become big problems when you are already stressed out. It is not the end of the world if the housework does not get done I think it is just an excuse to bicker! If you love this man and you want to stay with him then you are going to have to do alot of compromising as he is not going to change! Please put the second baby on hold as having more stress of sleepless nights and even more money worries is really going to add to your situation. There is always stress of some sort in a marriage whether it is money, work or children you just have to learn how to manage the stress. Try going out for a walk around a park and take a picnic. Have time together that does not cost any money to see if you really can get a long and that the love is still there. Don't write off the marriage yet, some things you have to fight for.

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It sounds like a rough patch, all marriages have them, but not all marriages survive them. I think at this point your marriage is probably still worth fighting for.



Probably not what you want to hear, but now is probably not the best time to be trying for another little one. Hold off until you get your marriage back on track, then start trying again. Bringing a baby into the picture now would only complicate things further.



Meanwhile, if you can manage, definitely try to find a good therapist and go to marriage therapy. If you have health insurance, it should be covered under specialist care. If not, consider talking to a church (usually free, even for non-members) or taking a class (not free, but much less than therapy).



Make a written list of chores you expect him to take care of, and a list of your own chores. That way you will both be clear on what is expected of you (and he won't earn the "right to brag" unless he does his chores AND some of yours).



Praise him for the chores he does do. I know it seems unfair for you to praise him for a few chores when he doesn't praise you for yours, but you will build his confidence and eventually he will start to praise you too.



When you want to ask (in the form of a question) him to help you, ask him while you are busy with something else and he is resting (so he can't say he's busy), and give him choices (so he doesn't feel ordered around). Say like "Hon, would you please unload the dishwasher while I change Joshy's diaper, or would you like to take the diaper and I'll get the dishes?" Then when he picks one, say "Thanks, Love!" and give him a peck on the cheek. If he sees that helping you makes you happy and makes you appreciate him, he will be more inclined to do it. If he feels like you don't notice what he does do, then he will stop trying.

Like the example you gave where he cleaned the whole house, but left a few chores undone--He was really proud of that, he worked really hard on it, and he thought he was helping you, but all you did was complain about the things he didn't do. I know you always clean the house, so it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was to him. Instead of pointing out what he didn't do, next time thank him and do the few things he left undone (except for the cat litter if you are going to keep trying for the new baby).



I know I wrote a book, but I hope it helps.

Karen - posted on 04/29/2010

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Open the lines of communication. He probably does not know you are stressed out about the domestic duties.

Sounds like you are not feeling appreciated and he is lagging on domestic duties. I think you should sit down with him and tell him you are really feeling under appreciated and you would like his help with some domestic duties. Ask him if he can write a list for himself on some extra things he will take on. Tell him you are a team and need to start working as a team.

Maybe next time don't give him $70 if you don't want him to spend it. You should have given him what you wanted him to spend. He is not a mind reader on how much change to bring home.

I think you also need to talk about your financial problems and maybe put together a budget or talk about how you are going to manage on the current income.

Don't forget to tell him you love him. Otherwise he will just think you are winging.
It is tough running a house and looking after a child so let him know you are feeling the pressure and would love his help.

If that does not work then maybe see a counsellor.

Melissa - posted on 04/29/2010

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I'm so sorry for this hard time you are going through. It really sounds like you need someone to talk to and I would see a councilor (with your husband if possible) and try to save your marriage. Trying to have another baby during all of this stress in your life is not the best for your health. I truly hope you are able to work things out together and that things calm down. We all have stories like yours in some way and unfortunately it seems like when bad things start happening they all happen at once. I have been married to my husband for 9 years next month and we have been together for 12 years. We have one daughter and are best friends. Each time a difficult issue comes up, death, financial, parenting, education, whatever we work together to fix it together. Being a team is so important in marriage and if you both want to fix it 9 times out of 10 it can be fixed. I wish you the very best of luck and you deserve to be happy.

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