Is there life after cheating?

Alyssa - posted on 09/04/2010

I was engaged to a man much older than myself well before my son was born. We had been dating for awhile when he asked and I was dead set on marrying him. He seemed absolutely perfect. I then learned he had a two year old son that he didn't speak of. I only knew about his oldest daughter from his high school sweet heart that he no longer had contact with.

We lived 2 hours apart and I had no problem trusting him for the longest time. He would drive out to my apartment Wednesday nights after visiting his son and I would go back home (the city he also lived in) for the weekend. Every other weekend his son stayed with us. He had dinner with my family every Sunday and then he would drive me back to my apartment.

It wasn't until 4-5 months into our relationship that he started asking me to do things I wasn't entirely comfortable with doing... He started asking if I would go have sex with other men and tell him in detail what happened. It seemed so off and we argued about it constantly.

About a month and a half after this started, I got a message on MySpace from a woman his age who was claiming that my fiance fathered her youngest child. He happened to be at my apartment at the time and I showed him the message and he said he didn't know her. I trusted him and later found that he had deleted her message and put her on my block list. I don't remember how the truth eventually came out, but he finally told the truth and said that he had indeed fathered her child (who was born THAT month). I had a really hard time trusting him after that but it seemed to get better.

I don't remember what finally pushed me to doing it but put a keylogger on my computer and was able to get his password for his MySpace and that was how I found out he had cheated on me multiple times in the previous 3 months and that he was actively trying to find other females to cheat with. He had offered money to several of them. I asked him straight out if he had ever had sex with another woman while we were together, he said no, I showed him the proof and broke up with him.

Within a week we were back together (the biggest mistake ever!). I did my best to rebuild our relationship but it just never was the same. I couldn't trust anything he said to me or what he was doing on his computer @ 1am. In 2 months it was over again.

I got a call on one of our Wednesday nights - he couldn't make it to my city. He said he had left his bag at home. I had gotten another email from the woman who gave birth to child #3 the next day. A picture of him holding a brand new baby in a hospital I was VERY familiar with. Come to find out, he had a fourth child on the way with another woman he never told me about. He didn't know I had found out. I told him I wouldn't be able to make it back to my home city that weekend because I had to take a couple extra shifts at work.

I showed up at his house to find another woman's clothes scattered about the house and broke up with him on the spot. I regretted ever getting back with him for the longest time. After all of this happened I got in contact with child #3's mother who put me in contact with ex-wife #3. Come to find out he had been married 3 times, children with two of them and the only reason all their marriages had ended was because of him cheating.

He was such an odd specimen to date and there are some times I still regret it but I'm happily married now with one son and another little one on the way. If it hadn't been for that experience, I know I wouldn't be who I am today. I learned so much with that man... Mostly how to determine if the person I'm dating is a cheater! I couldn't do it again. If I found out my husband cheated, I couldn't stay. Not with what happened in the past...

Christina - posted on 09/03/2010

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Nicole - posted on 09/03/2010

sarah i know exactly what you mean. the first girl my ex cheated wiht was a girl he found through world of war craft. its a PC game we both played at the time. every time i saw the other girls toon cross by or in the trade chat in the cities i would flip out and i would be reminded.
every time i go to boarders books store in the neighboring city i was reminded thats where she worked. it is so easy to forget it happened and when it comes back its like your finding out all over again and the wound never truly heals.
forgetting is not forgiving they are way two different things until it can be truly forgiven you will have the outburst and the arguments. i know this because i have been there. its been almost a year since i have even talked to my ex and when it finally comes back to me that i was cheated on so badly it does not hurt any more and i do not hate him but i would never let him back in my life ever again. if you feel so stronly and that is how you are. and every time just somethign brings up the cheating. its best to let go and let time a nd space between you heal your heart. do not let it continue for your sake. do what you feel is best and best of luck. repetitive cheathing is not easy to get over. it causes so much emotional damage.

Ambyr - posted on 09/03/2010

I haven't personally been cheated on but when i was about 14 my dad cheated on my mom & when she found out she left him. She moved back to where we all came from worked and worked for 3 months getting a place to live, stuff to go inside our house and then to get my sister and I out to her. That was the strongest I have ever seen that woman and it made me really apreciate her. Now she is almost to the top of her job and doing great on her own and i honestly think leaving my dad was one of the best decisions of her life. I believe that no matter how much you love the person it wont ever be the same between the two of you. It's just a matter of weather you can let it go enough to trust again or not.

Jessica - posted on 09/03/2010

my first real relationship was with a cheater. i was almost 18 when i first got with him. i was told repeatedly before we started dating that he was a cheater, but like most women, i just assumed he wouldnt do that to me. he was always amazing with me. i never believed anything anyone told me about his past, and never believed anyone when they told me what was going on when i wasnt around.
then the girl that he had left to be with me called out of the blue one day when i hadnt seen him or heard from him in 4 days. he had taken my car to go start a job that his cousin supposedly got for him. he was supposed to be back the following day. when i answered the phone, the first thing she said to me was "ive been with him since a week after you two got together", the next was that she was trying to find him because he needed to sign his sons birth certificate. when i finally found out where he was, i lost my job in order to hunt him down for her, i was so mad i didnt even care, i wouldnt have been able to keep the job after school started anyway.
when i walked into his moms house(first time i met her) i was so mad i was visably shaking. she told me where i could find him, at his girlfriends house down the road! i immedaitley made sure he signed the birth certificate, made him follow me home in my car that had mysteriously run out of a full tank of gas in 40 some miles. within the next two days, i took him back to his moms house, left his stuff with him and told him to screw off.
i didnt see him again for a year, and when i did we got along ok, and he wanted me to take him back. there was no way i was going back to a cheater. about 6 months later i moved to Texas from Missouri to be with my best friends cousin. we have been together for over a year and a half and have a beautiful 9 month old daughter together.
now i look back and realize how messed up i was over that cheating prick, and i laugh. i cant even begin to explain how happy i am that i moved on and didnt look back. it was a good learning experience, but thats the only good thing i can really say about it in hindsight.
i learned the sucky way that the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" is sooo much more than just a phrase!

Anh - posted on 09/03/2010

I'm pretty experienced in this area! My husband cheated on me twice. I'm still with him. The first time I forgave him because it was his dad that begged me to forgive him. We were married a year after 4 years of friendship. My father in-law was married to his wife for 44 years, THROUGH good and bad times. He reminded me not everyday will be great.

The second time is very recent while pregnant to our daughter, 3 years old now. Communication is KEY! At this moment, my husband knows the following: that I love him, but not truly "in love" with him. His daughter loves him. I have been the most understanding and caring person and will always be there for him...ups or downs.

My take on this has to positive: He did not leave me for another woman, he loves our daughter, he's making the effort by actions and not be words.

Don't get me wrong, he still promises me the world, but I would remind him I'm not looking for words, just actions from him. The biggest thing out of all this is the WAY I'm treating him like I forgave his . I don't know but it's working because he hasn't left my side at all. I still think about what he did and will talk to him about it as a discussion, not on the offensive state. The best thing is that he's talking to me openly without yelling or getting upset. Hope this helps.

Sandi - posted on 09/03/2010

I have been cheated on in a couple different relationships. But then I found a great guy that makes me his world. We now have two wonder kids together and have been together for almost two years and he does not even look at other women. There is an old saying that if he wont treat you right another guy will. Love is a strong power but you have to have trust and honesty to make a relationship work. Ask him if there is something lacking from your relationship that makes him cheat but dont let him blame you for it.

Jackie - posted on 09/03/2010

Yes that is part of the healing process seeing and thinking of things that remind you of it. Even if you are not looking for something that reminds you of it, it still happens. You know that girl that my husband had the emotional affair with worked with my husband for several more months. That sucked knowing when they were at work alone. But I knew there were cameras in the store, so it wasnt like they could go in the back and be flirty or for all I knew, SCREW? I am not sure if I believe nothing happened, I mean she slept here in my house!!! I didnt ask the obvious questions, like did she sleep in bed with you, because I dont want to know. If I asked then I would keep asking and letting my imagination think crazy thoughts. So point being, him working with her was a reminder and also just being in my house was a reminder. I felt like my house wasnt my house anymore. The cell phone would stay disconnected if I was you. We turned my husbands phone off after all the texting he did. Too damn bad, I have a cell phone and we share it. He can look at my account anytime. We also share a facebook. Due to trying to rebuild trust on both parts, we allow eachother to know everything.

Guys can be insensitive to what we want. When I explain to my husband that I am just having a bad day and I am down, he always says he doesnt know what he can do for me. Well its easy, just listen to me talk!! They think there are simple solutions for every little problem that arises, but for women sometimes there is no solution. Sometimes its just hours of talking about something that happened, like cheating. You arent looking for sorry, your looking for him to understand how you are feeling. You feel like once he understands how bad you feel, then he will really "get" how bad of a mistake he made. But he probably gets irritated when you talk about it, right? That is because he feels like he is being nagged about it. Its so hard to find a balance and sometimes you have to just forget about what you need and go on. That is truely not for every woman though. I have lost who I used to be. I am a very different woman than I expected myself to be. But I have kids that need us together, my parents who expect us to work it out and "help" us more when we work through our problems, a nice house, I get to stay home, and belongings that I dont want to split up. We have seperated once before and that was not due to cheating. It was a couple years back because I was unhappy and wanted to see what it was like. We only had one child then and she was two. So I dated two guys during the nine months we were seperated. It was soooo bad. I wanted the guys that I dated to be like my husband, except not do the things that my husband did that irritated me. So I was looking for a man like Ryan, but better. Well, it didnt work that way, they were all around worse than Ryan. All of the sudden I was dealing with "baby mommas" with one guy and the other guy had no children, so he didnt understand why I still needed to have some type of a relationship with my soon to be ex husband. I went back to Ryan because the grass was no greener. I keep all that in the back of my mind when I think of leaving him.

So you and I do have different situations going on, I am only trying to give you advice that I went through. Who knows, maybe you will meet someone better than him and it will be better for you. If I was not married to my husband and we either did not have children or we only had one child that was still very young, I would be gone. I got a little off track, but hopefully something "struck" you in this reply.

Sarah - posted on 09/03/2010

He hasn't been showing any extra attention and yesterday we got into a fight because he was almost an hour late returning from work. His cell phone has been disconnected for a while, but as I told him, he could have saved me the worry and himself an argument if only he would taken 5 minutes to make a phone call when he clocked off, saying they kept me an hour late. I'll be there soon. I would have seen where he was coming from with the caller id..

I think Jackie, that he isn't really trying. He thinks I should be over it already. I told him last night that it's not hard to forget, but what's hard is remembering again. Does that make any sense? I can forget what happened, but then something will remind me. A song, a car that looks like hers, something... then it feels like it is all new again. Is that holding on to it or just part of the healing process? It makes me angry when he says "I don't know how many more times I can say I'm Sorry." I don't think he should be keeping count. If I need to hear it again-say it..

Nenna - posted on 09/03/2010

When there's no trust there can not be a happy ending!
6 years in a relationship thought me well, the never ending doubt the never ending questions dancing around your mind, getting me crazy and explode over and over again about the same subject: cheating.
Its like a decease that eats everyone in a relationship alive: your partner you, and your love one's.
Remember: unhappy mommy= unhappy children.
I thought that when my partner cheated once, I could somehow forgive him, his excuse was the alcohol and the influence of certain friends (or so he said) However when it happened again I doubt every word he spoke.
I had already my children therefore I thought I was doing good staying with him, besides I loved him, but that love along the years became sad, no more smiles,no more hugs or caresses, I was always ready to sit afar from him to see who will he smile at this time...and like that, I changed sadly to say to a person I never liked;someone that felt betrayed, someone jealous, insecure, angry sad but mostly hurt.
I looked up for help, and the only solution was to leave him behind, it broke my heart, my babies were to young to notice dad gone but I did, because i missed him every day, and the worst was yet to come: a single mom with young children facing life in my own.--But I made it-- and thanks to God I'm happy with my family.
Years after I look back and I know that without trust and respect there can not be love, it can be routine, comfort or anything you want to call it, but when the man you love and shares your everything, cheats on you once...its already unforgiven yet you find the courage to step up forgive and move on, but when he does it again and again...he simply does not love you or respect you, HE DOES NOT DESERVES YOU!
If you see that hes not willing to change than you can only snap your fingers (reality check) and ask yourself this: Is it me the only one in this relationship that wants to make it work??? the answer it is only you, my advise to you is to find the courage to live better to love yourself more for you and little one. I pray to God that your heart not be full with resentment sadness or anger and I also ask him to give you the courage to move on, whether is with your man or without him!
LOOK FOR YOUR HAPPINESS, LIFE IN ONLY ONE!

Rebecca - posted on 09/03/2010

i was cheated on by my boyfriend and not long after we broke up because i couldnt trust him i found someone else but my trust in myself and in men was shot and i didnt trust my husband very well at all to the point where i was pretty sure that my husband was cheating on me. Im pretty sure that he wasnt but i think that he was thinking of it bt never went through it. Since then after a lot of fighting andme almost leaving i can truely say that it was in my head beacuse i had been hurt before. My husband was kill in a work accident just over a year ago while i was pregent with our first child. I wish that he was here to share in the joy. I would say that if he has done it twce he will do it again it happened with my ex. for the sake of you and your baby i say get out because it will kill your trust in yourself and man forever if you stay. Ill be praying for you. Take care and goodLuck

Sal - posted on 09/02/2010

i think relationships can move past it, but it does take a lot of work, it is really up to you, do you think he will stop cheating?? are you able to forsee a time when you can trust him completely?? and do you think you can imagine ever having an argument and not using it agaist him?? if you love him, don't throw the realtionship away without trying counselling but do what is best for you and your baby...

Jenifer - posted on 09/02/2010

I have been through this five years ago and I am still married to the same man. I looked back and realized that if I was not so into other things and just showed more love and caring to him this would have never happened. Sometimes you are doing things that you do not realize that you are doing and that is pushing them away and they go else were to get the attention and love. i am not saying that it is all your fault but you may have a part into why it happened.I am happily married and trust him with all my heart. He is the greatest person in my life. It can and will work out just give it time you both need to make the changes to be happy. Good luck

Tina - posted on 09/02/2010

Think about it this way - yes, it's scary to be on your own, but is staying simply out of fear what you want to teach your kids? You deserve better than what he's given you, but you won't get any better until you believe it yourself. Stay strong!

Keisha - posted on 09/02/2010

Leave him is what I think! He obviously doesnt respect you nearly enough as he SHOULD. Especially with 4 kids and another on the way like you said! you guys are supposed to be a family. A team. And hes just having a blast being able to get away with abandoning you to screw some random other woman?! and youre LETTING him?! Is this what you really want? You deserve so much better. Good Luck love.

Nicole - posted on 09/02/2010

i was with a guy that cheated on me for almost 4 years. i knew of three cases during our time together. when i finally went to leave him after what i equate to 1 yr of happiness goes sour to about 3 years of hell. and i was one of those girls that didnt want to be the bad girl friend and accuse and give more chances.



when went to leave him i find out three times was more like 10 women all at various and random times more then once each. 2 of which one was my best friend and the other an old class mate that i kept in touch with.



needless to say i have nothing to do with the three of them. after i would leave his place aropund ten so we could get up for work the next day ...as i was on my way home he would have a girl to F&^%K on her way over. and from what i know now his behavior has only got worse and the women he has slept with has only doubled or trippled since we have split. and sleeps around with different women every week. i only know what mutural friends tell me frankly i could care less.



i have found my happiness. i currently have a beautiful 6 month old daughter with my SO . and we are happy . i met him on a dating/networking website and it was great ever since.



my advice to you is listen to the womens intuition. because i didnt i landed myself in hell for far too long.

with out trust there is no love they go hand in hand. i could never love some one i could not trust.

i forgave the first 2 times it was hard to get past. its like i mentally blocked it and was like ok you love him if you love him it can be worked passed. but i was the only one trying while he was still cheating behind my back. needless to say he didnt really love me and he was never faithful in his past relationships. i found out later he cheated on his ex girlf friend wiht me and then dumped her to only become her F buddy.



you can get past cheating if he stops. i was so beyond trust towards the end that if he wanted to make it work he would have to 1 change his number 2 get rid of his pc , 3 actually try and work this out and probably have me in his face all the time because i didnt trust and frankly that paranoid life trying to make it work was one i didnt want to live. i should not have to live like a paranoid freak.

Jackie - posted on 09/02/2010

Another thing, all men are different and some are just pigs. For my case, I dont believe my husband is a pig, he just needed some positive attention and I was not providing that for him. We were in really bad shape. If he isnt a good person otherwise, then maybe it isnt where you belong. Does he provide for you and the kids, is he a good father, does he support you emotionally, and most important does he strive to make you happy? I have all that going for me here, so why start over and take a chance on meeting someone else.

Jackie - posted on 09/02/2010

It does count for a little something if he came clean without feeling like he was caught. He obviously felt bad enough to tell you. I am not sure if you have ever cheated on someone, but it is not easy to tell someone you made a mistake and hope they forgive you. Has he tried making up for the mistake? For instance, extra attentive or always making sure to check in with you so you have no suspicions of anything going on? I kind of have the feeling that things are back to the way they were before you found this out. If he is not worried about you leaving, then maybe he didnt learn his lesson.

Sarah - posted on 09/02/2010

He cheated twice, and I had my suspicions about the second one, but I honestly would never have know about the first time if he hadn't come clean. I mean do you think it counts for anything? The fact that he did come clean? I know what I should do and knowing me I will never get over what he did so instead of punishing us and the kids I am just going to break it off.. I really don't see any other options.

Jennifer - posted on 09/02/2010

me and my husband have been 2gther for 14 yrs,,at the time he was my boyfriend and we were togther 7 yrs and he cheated we only had 1 child age 4,,, i took it really hard he even left me for her,, went with her for 2 days found out how she lived and who she really was,, then he came beggin for me back he realized what he had done and what he had lost! as for me i knew he was my first true love and i do beleive it second chances i took him back and we had a very long heart to heart talk! it took me over 2 yrs to get over the fact he had cheated after all that we got married had 2 more babys and we r very happy to get over our past! its been over 7 yrs sents he cheated, he has never done it again cuz he knows he will lose everything we built togther this time for good!! i dont believe in 3rd and 4th chances once is enough because if u dnt put ur foot down the first time he is gonna think it is ok to keep on stepin on u! good luck with everything! stick by ur man if u really think he is worth it

Sarah - posted on 09/02/2010

As much as I'd like to say differently, but all the stories I have read about the people who have worked through this... it was a one time thing. I could have understood that. I think that it is time he learns to live with the consequences of his actions. He doesn't have a place to go, he has burned so many bridges. He doesn't have a car, because he spends all his money on stupid crap instead of fixing his car. I have the weight of my family behind me and at the end of the month he will be going. I hate to do this to my kids (my six year old really started accepting him this summer), but I don't trust him and that's the truth. I don't think I can trust him. What sucks is that it's easy to forget sometimes because I still enjoy his company and the intimacy is good, but it was good when he was doing what he was doing. Just keep it coming ladies.. don't let me forget my plans, it's going to be a rough one.

Jackie - posted on 09/02/2010

Its easy to get passed if you can just move forward and do not let yourself think about it. What I mean, is yes it is going to cross your mind and a lot, but try to let the thought in and back out. Dont let your imagination get the best of you.

Now I will explain how me and my husband of five years are. My husband cheated on me about a month and a half ago. Now thank God it was a one night thing, cause I am not so sure I could get past an affair. Prior to that, last November he had an emotional affair. Nothing physical ever happened, and it was a friendship at work that became too close. That was harder to get over because my husband and I were doing fine. By that I mean, actually having sex and making eachother laugh. If he could stray while we were happy, then I am pretty much screwed, right? I left town with our kids to visit my grandma who was about ready to start chemo. I mean my GOD!!! The girl stayed the night and nothing happened. So all you all are probably thinking, yeah right!! Well yes it bothers me, but one thing I never did was ask too many questions about what happened with both cases. I dont want the image in my head. So when it crosses my mind, I dont know where or when or how it happened. The case with the emotional affair was with a girl at work. My husband is the boss and she is no longer there, but I worry everytime he hires a new cute girl. But I leave it at that. I make myself stop thinking about it and find something to keep my mind off it. I am now working out and tanning, so I am bringing my self esteem up in the process of getting over this. So if he does it again, I wont blame everything on my appearance. If it happens again, which I have accepted might happen, it will be his fault and his loss. I cant tell you if I will forgive him, but what else can I do. We have two kids together and for us moms who stay home with the kids, well they need us as much as we need them. It seems more so with us stay home moms. Do they really want us out there working and paying for the high cost of daycare and being worried about our children getting sick or hurt in daycare. NO I dont want that and my husband doesnt either.

So I try not to ask too many questions or fight with him when I think something might be going on again. I ask why he was late and leave it at that. I try to read him and then I leave it alone. We decided to not allow one another to leave town if the other is not coming. So then there will be no easy chances to let something happen. That is all we changed about "rules." We are happy and strangely it helped us. We were a real mess before he messed around this last time. It was scary being that close to divorcing. We are having lots of sex and making eachother laugh again. I need to add this, I too cheated on him around a month and a half ago. That may be the reason that we are making this work. No one feels worse than the other. I am afraid of loosing him as much as he is afraid of loosing me. He knows if he does it again, he will have to deal with me doing the same thing back to him. I know it works both ways. To be honest, our relationship is a bit embarassing when I am explaining it. No I did not marry prince charming like I thought I would, but what do yoy do when there are two girls that need their parents together? They have no clue about how much of a mess their parents are because we dont fight in front of them and the affairs that were committed were done when the children were not around.

Some women and men are able to move past this and accept what happened. They accept that life is not like we expected it to be. They accept that the affair was not done to hurt the other person, but because something was missing and needs to be worked on. The relationship was in desperate need of help, but both wife and husband ignored it. So all you can do is try to be better to eachother and not take on another for granted. Now this is how I feel about my husband, he was never the type of guy that "gets off" on messing around. He is not the "player" type. If anyone allows themself an opportunity for something to happen, I dont know if it could be controled. By that I mean, being alone with the opposite sex. Dont allow that to happen and cheating wont happen. I am almost positive that nearly 80 percent of people have cheated or been cheated on and never knew. We are sexual beings and yes we can be attracted to other people besides our spouse. Lord, this sounds awful!! These are the conclusions I had to come up with to accept what happened and allow myself to move on. It may not work this way for everyone though and I sure am not trying to upset anyone.

Corinne - posted on 09/02/2010

I stayed with my ex for 5yrs and he cheated on me from day one. I didn't know at the time, that he was still seeing his ex, then he started sleeping with another friend while I was working away for 5 weeks. Later that year I started working away at weekends and again he started seeing another girl. This went on for about a year. Then the theatre company I worked for secured a year long contract with a West End theatre and I had to move, he came with me and got a job working backstage on the show. During the day he had another 'job'. It turns out she was blonde and a dancer (like me). The show had to close when the theatre was sold (boo-hiss-boo) and so, out of work, I moved back home (with him). We ended up living at his Mum's pub for a while, where he flirted with the waitresses and was a general pain in the butt. We then moved in with a friend of mine and I started travelling up and down the country, working in Subway during the week, and dancing in London at the weekends. He couldn't be bothered to work and started to help himself to my money, to wine and dine other girls while I was away. My friend found out and was so angry, she moved out. I couldn't afford to pay her share as well as my own and his, so we moved in with his Mum again and I continued to work my ass off. An opportunity to move closer to my family came up so I took it and so did he. He got a job and promised to pay me back all the money he'd pilfered and said he'd never cheat again. Ha! After 6 months , he'd still not paid me back and was cheating again (while I was in the next room). I met someone at work and thought 'what the hell'. I told my ex that I'd found someone else and he went nuts cause I had cheated on him! I've been with my husband for 6yrs now and I've never been happier, we've got two kids, cats and rats and fish and all the other guff that comes with it. It's hard to make the break, harder with kids, but I'd seriously look into it. All the luck in the world, :)

Jessica - posted on 09/02/2010

Well, if you can't trust him, I don't believe you should be with him. A relationship isn't much without trust. I have had similar situations with my husband but they are a bit unique. See, I still am not sure if he ever cheated or not and I won't leave him if I am not sure. Here are a couple of things that have happened between us: 1. He tells me he tried to cheat but couldn't about four years ago but he didn't tell me until two years ago. 2. He talks to women who want to be with him in secret and tells me months later 3. I was 8 months pregnant with my most recent child, born on July 6 2010, and it was hot outside and we went to his nephew's house to ask his nephew's wife if she wanted to go to work with us tomorrow. He said he'd be back quick. 15 minutes go by and I'm repeating to myself, if he ain't out by 8:45, he's cheating. 30 minutes go by and I am getting pissed off. I take my kids with me and storm up to her apartment and knock on the door. I hear my husband say "its Jessica". He opens the door, I look inside and their bed is unfolded (it is a sofa bed and they always have it folded up, it was the first time I saw it unfolded) but made and the girl is sitting on it and her man isn't home. My husband is standing by the door smiling nervously. I am freaking out inside but under control outside. He told me she was crying and they were talking, thats what took so long. 2. When I had my recent child which was at The Birth Center (TBC) so I had her there to help with the kids and she came to our house for 2 days after to help out. Well, the entire time he spent more time with her, he came up only to sleep. That pissed me off since we were paying her and I understand he wanted to help her but my mom was there and he didn't give me and his newborn daughter any time. Then when she went home, he said " I am going to take a shower to go take her home". She lives 15-20 minutes from us and he was gone for two hours saying I'll be home soon. He said his nephew had his friends over and she felt uncomfortable. When he came home I was hysterical. I still don't know if anything ever happened or not between him or anyone else so we are still together. I love him so much but I am finding it hard to give him complete trust and he sees this. I am going to stay with him until I find out if he has ever cheated. If he cheats or has cheated on me, I could not be with this man. 5 years, tons of drama, 3 kids is a lot to give up now though for something I don;t know is true. To be honest, I am afraid to leave him because I am a stay at home mom I am 19 and never worked. I don't have a High School Diploma because I got pregnant with my first kid when I was 15. From my own descions, I ruined my life but I don't regret any of my kids because I wanted them all. But again, if he cheated or ever does cheat, I am gone. And eventually the truth will come out. I hope my story helps you.

Vicki - posted on 09/01/2010

I have to say I am one of the few who is happy they stayed. My then boyfriend and I had been living together for 3years when he cheated with my best friend while we were all drunk. I didn't find out until he told me 1 1/2yrs later on his own. After that it was 6 months of hell for me. I made it clear that we were not moving on in our relationship unless he could officially commit to me. We had been living together for 4 years at that point and also owned a home together. He proposed and I said yes, skeptically. After a year engagement we were married. We've now been married 3 years and have a baby girl. I am glad I stayed, but it does take the right circumstances to be able to trust again. I cut my best friend out of my life and we started as fresh as we could. But, looking back if I already had my baby girl I would have run faster than ever. Having a baby together puts you into a whole diff situation IMO. He's willing to break up the FAMILY...not just relationship. I really wish you the best with whatever you decide.

Kylie - posted on 09/01/2010

Sarah, look at things logically! Do you think you can trust him again? Will you always doubt whateveer he tells you? Will you always wonder where he goes when he goes out? Will you always wonder where he's been when he comes home? If you answered YES to any of these questions, then the logically thing to do is LEAVE! Get out, while you still can. Yes, you're hurting but if he continues to cheat and you continue to put up with it, you'll just end up a bitter old woman, with no heart, no trust and no love. You are worth so much more than that! It's hard. I know this from experience but, you truly need to do what is best for you and your child/ren. Bitterness is an ugly thing and it has many ways of showing itself. Don't put yourself through it IF you don't HAVE to. As a human being, you have a choice. It is now up to you whether you make that choice or whether you choose to stay and put up with the arrogant so-and-so that he is. Sorry, in my eyes "piggery" is a NO NO and arrogance is definately frowned upon in my family. Do what is right for you and you'll find that, that choice will also be right for your child/ren. Good luck and may your angel protect you throughout this ordeal...

Jennifer - posted on 09/01/2010

If he would do this twice and knows he could come back to you, he's not going to stop. He doesnt have enough respect for you, his family or himself to make this work. That being said, I was once a cheater. Before I met my husband I cheated on every boyfriend I ever had, for a variety of reasons/ excuses. That all changed when I met my husband. I knew he was worth it and I was worth it and the relationship was worth it to not cheat. We have been together for 11 years now and both have been completely faithful. There is a mutual respect there. We know if one decides to cheat it's over. I dont think your boyfriend values you or is ready for a commitment. A ceremony and rings will not change that. He is obviously not mature enough to make this lifelong commitment to you or his child. As hard as it may be, for your health and happiness I would say let him go. He's not worth what he is putting you through. On another note, do you really want him as an example or a spouse for your child to see growing up. Do you want your child to see that it's okay to be treated this way or to treat women this way. Because it's not. YOUR worth more than this. YOU deserve better than that, and so does your child. I cant imagine how hard it must be to be in your situation and I truly with you the best. Just know that a child does not make a marriage. Two people, COMMITTED through love, along with a lot of hard work makes a marriage. Best of luck to you!!!! Big hugs!!

Kristina - posted on 09/01/2010

My husband cheated on me with a girl that I absolutely hated when I was 9 months pregnant. He cheated again in July with a girl who gave him a std. Thats how I found out that he cheated on me because I caught it from him. He swore up and down that I was the one who cheated on him. Then he tried cheating on me with my best friend who told me everything he said to her. I was the one texting him on her phone the entire time after that. It took me going to jail for punching him in the face before he would tell me the truth. To be honest I still dont believe a thing he says about where he is going to be. I still dont trust him at all and its been almost a year. I hope things for you work out better than they are for me. It gets a little easier I promise but its always gonna be there in the back of your mind. And its always gonna hurt. I know its not what you want to hear. I hope things get better dont make the same mistake I did and marry him after hes cheated because guys always do it again.

Tracy - posted on 09/01/2010

Good for you Sarah! Wish you and your kids the very best. You deserve it!

Sarah - posted on 09/01/2010

There are so many of you out there who have put in your two cents and I can't thank you enough. Really I can't. He has never really lost anything because of his cheating. He cheated on his ex with me and then cheated on me with his ex so she never really stuck with her guns and by letting him come back I never stuck with mine.

I am asking him to leave at the end of the month. By then I will have enough money that I can pay a couple months bills before I have to beg, borrow or steal from anyone. Thank you all. It has been extremely helpful.

Heather - posted on 09/01/2010

Sarah,
Honestly... it will always be there....but you do get past it... I di not stay with my ex when I found out the extent of his cheating, but I do know of some people who have moved on and led a normal life after cheating. I think I have learned my lesson the hard way. My ex is on his fourth wife( I was number 2) each consecutive wife is the one he cheated on the previos one with.... Needless to say my children have more mom's than they know what to do with. lol. Seriosly though, i indeed learned that I am better off without him... My children are better off not being in that environment.... I'm not sure if this has helped... but please know that you are not the only one out here!!! Prayers Heather

Tracy - posted on 08/31/2010

My husband's ex-wife cheated on him. They initially tried to work it out but once that trust was gone it was pretty much impossible for them. They divorced over ten years ago and are both now happily married with children (we have twin girls!).

Follow your gut. If you can't trust him don't waste anymore time on the guy. And don't sell yourself short because you think it would be best for your daughter. You deserve to be with a good man who loves you and respects you. There are a lot of good men out there... and a lot of them would love the idea of being a step-dad.

Vanessa - posted on 08/31/2010

I guess I fall into the latter category! My husband cheated our whole marriage and I didn't know. For about 4 years he travelled with work - and it was on one of these trips that he met up with yet another surgically enhanced bikini-wearing promo girl at a car show. Later that year (on New Years Day morning) we had a lazy morning in bed and then he got up and started packing a suitcase. I thought he was taking us on a surprise trip or something and I was still blissfully happy as it'd been an awesome xmas and new years eve - when he turned to me and said "I can't do this anymore - I've been living a lie for over a year - i've only stayed this long because of our son, but I don't want to anymore. I'm leaving you because I want to be with other women. So Monday morning you should go sort out what single parenting payments you need to get from the state. I'll call you in about two weeks" With that he grabbed his bag and left. I was shattered to say the least. He moved in with Erica and started living this champagne lifestyle - she introduced him to drugs and other nasty shit.
How could I compete with a woman like that? I simply couldn't --- and after a while I realised I didn't want to compete. If he was so spineless that he didn't even have enough self control to keep his pants zipped ---- well I deserved better!
A few years later I met my fiancee Brad ---- now HE will never cheat on me. I say this with such certainty, because with my ex although I trusted him, I was never comfortable with his long absencenses and not answering his phone etc. But with Brad it's different. I see the way he looks at me and I can honestly say my ex never looked at me like that! I see girls looking at him and flirting with him - and bless him he doesn't even notice! He holds me all night and we wake up still in each others arms - now that is love. I guess ultimately I thought what I had was the real thing - until I actually experienced it for real! Now I can see all the things that I was once willing to put up with annd know that I shouldn't have sold myself short. We are due with our baby in October - bringing the total to 3 kids!
You deserve a guy who respects you and who would rather cut off his arm than ever make you cry.
I've always been a believer in that old rule that everyone is allowed one f*&k up, however after meeting my soulmate I see that if you are truly meant to be - well f*&k ups shouldn't even be an issue.
My ex is still with his Barbie Doll - and completely out of our lives. He'll come unstuck one day and realise what he's lost - but I wont be waiting in the wings!

Alicia - posted on 08/31/2010

My father was a serial cheater, married 5 times, the whole bit. He ruined so many women. My mother never remarried nor did my first or fourth step mother. I know for me that's a deal breaker no matter what. I have major trust issues and trust is acquired and then lost it's lost for good.
I'm really sorry that you are going through this, you don't deserve it.

Brandi - posted on 08/31/2010

you know what I hear alot is.. excuses.. I know people cheat men and woman. I sometimes believe its the thrill of having a secret or something. I strongly believe if someone loves someone they will put their feelings first. I am not sure if my husband has cheated.. but I know he talks on line to other women..( not in ways he should).. I have been battling for years whether to leave him or not. He lies to easily, trust it never really fully comes back.. self esteem is shot..I stayed because between him and I we have four boys then together we had our daughter. I want our family to stay together.. Its all about what your willing to live with.. I hope you find what works for you... good luck

Patricia - posted on 08/31/2010

In the beginning, my husband was very unfaithful and I always caught him. He would deny, deny, deny, and I would look the other way. Finally, 4 years ago, he crossed a line that could not be ignored. When I called him out on it, he knew he could not wiggle out of the mess he made. I gave him one chance to come clean on all (there would be no forgiving in the future if I found anything more out) and he laid it all out there. For a year I would not let him touch me. Two more years went by before I had any trust in him. I kept tabs on all his movements, cell phone, work hours, email, everything. When he would get mad, I'd remind him that he caused this and I was worth it for him to endure this retribution. I knew how hard it must of been for him to be untrusted despite his good behavior. I couldn't change him, but he learned I knew I was worth more and would absolutely divorce him if he strayed again, even a little. He stuck it out, and I stuck it out. We are doing pretty good now. I am thankful I didnt leave, even if I get a little sad at the memories from time to time.

Kellean - posted on 08/31/2010

Honestly, I think you both should go in for counseling. A lot of times if men that cheat don't lose anything by doing it they might do it again. They need to learn that there are consequences. Especially if you have forgiven him. Have you told him all he stands to lose if he does it again? Does he know that you will take the children and he will have to move out? Some men have to hit rock bottom and lose everything to realize what they had. In the meantime you and your children also lose. So, before that happens a counselor can help him see what he has done wrong. A good family counselor would also be able to tell you if wants to stop what he is doing or not. Curious, was his father a cheater too? They have found a link between fathers and sons that cheat.
Above all else follow your instincts. As women we are more in tune with our families and we can feel it when our husbands aren't on the up and up. Also, remember that men have cheated on some of the most beautiful women. It isn't about looks or any of that. They get these thoughts in their heads and instead of controlling them they act on them. Most men do get these thoughts, they just fight the urge. Women might be surprised at how many men think of the opposite sex even when they are married. It is disappointing when you learn this. Most women are wired differently.
Remember to be true to yourself. Relationships are giving 100% of yourself to each other. If you feel that you aren't getting what you need, that feeling that everything is good. Then perhaps you need to decide what is best for you and your family. In the end it is totally up to you and what direction you see your life going in. I wish you the best of luck in all you do!! :)

Melissa - posted on 08/31/2010

I can tell you from my point of view, I had a hard time living with the questions, and doubt, after i was cheated on I couldn't ever really believe anything he said anymore and I was always wanting to check up on things he told me, it almost drove me crazy. Finally I realized that, that was not the way I wanted to live anymore and left. We stayed friends but he has continued to cheat on every girl friend since then and I am so glad that I broke it off, but he understood why, and he still to this day says he can't help it, He will never be a one-woman man.

Kelina - posted on 08/31/2010

Once it's a stupid mistake. Twice it's a habit in the making. I think it's a good thing you are staying with your mom it shows him that if he wants this to work he needs to grow up and stop acting like a teenager. Think about the message that staing with him sent. It told him that he could do what he wanted and not have any consequences. Saving money is a great idea for if things don't work out, but if the two fo you truly want to save your marriage I would recommend Marriage counselling. Because if the two of you can't come clean and talk in a safe environment, will you ever really be able to trust him?

Rebekah - posted on 08/31/2010

My man cheating on me twice. I thought (stupidly) having a baby would fix things. But it didnt. We fought a lot and I never trusted him. Then we talked. We figured out what he was missing in the relationship. Then we made it right. I still worry when I go away and he is alone for a long period of time. But its my job to learn to trust again and his job to be trustworthy. It takes time, but you CAN get through it.

Sarah - posted on 08/31/2010

I am staying with my mom right now, but I think that is an excellent idea! I'm going to start putting money away right now. Today he asked me not to give up so easily... I responded with, "You think staying has been easy?" I've been trying to trust, but I know that he is smart enough to erase anything incriminating as well.. It's still a day-to-day process.

Ricky - posted on 08/30/2010

My boyfriend cheated on my while I was pregnant and possibly (im quite sure but he wont come clean on the second one) a couple months after I gave birth. I wont go into the exact details because It still upsets me and makes me breakdown thinking about it.
I told him that because I loved him and wanted to give our son a chance at having a whole family that I was going to give him 1 more chance.
When he tried to lie about hanging out with a female coworker (the second affair) I called him out on it right away and told him if he continues to lie that I cant trust him and if I cant trust him I cant be with him. We fought alot about the subject because I was bottling things in trying to forget about it but would end up breaking down and getting depressed. So we sat down and talked about everything bothering me, I asked all the questions I wanted to know the main being why? He told me the reason (he was lonely and wasnt sure he loved me and the first time he was drunk and the opportunity came up) and that helped me because It helped me understand that it was him not me (I was so self concious about my looks after he cheated). I made him end his friendship with the female coworker and when she tried to keep texting him I texted her and told her that they arent allowed to talk and why and to grow up and leave men in relationships alone.
Getting the trust back and keeping the relationship going is a lot of work but well worth it in the end. I snooped through his stuff up until a month ago (19 months all together) and I finally feel that I can trust him (after a year of him being faithful). But when I have my doubts about it we sit down and talk about it right away. And he knows that if he does anything again that I will leave and take our son because I dont want to go through that pain again. Some good advice is to have an escape plan ready incase you do plan on leaving (somewhere to stay, extra money put away and how to get to the place)

Loreana - posted on 08/30/2010

I was 9 monthes pregnant with our first child and he was living with his sister when he cheated, before this i was a perfectly trusting person, after, i was a complete wreck we got back together after the baby was born (I still dont know why they stopped seeing each other)that was five years ago and 2 children ago, since than i can honestly say that he understands what he did damaged who i was and what I thought of him, he is a great father and very loving towards me and sensitive to my now extreme jealousy and insecurity, I believe and many other people believe that a cheater can stop, mostly if they are not repeat offenders, i took a chance and today we are a real family. However, the damage to my self esteem and my trust was severe, and over the years I have driven myself crazy cause i still wonder WHY he was so attracted to her and what was it about her that made him disregard me and our baby so totally, Ive had a really hard time getting over it, and many times Ive felt like i need to leave him in order to let myself heal and feel lovable again, allot of times i feel like its the relationship isn't worth driving myself crazy over for the rest of my life wondering if the next neighbor to move in is going to catch his attention the way she did, i guess my point is that although his behavior suggests he can change and be a loving spouse to me, the damage already done is allot to live with and sometimes overwhelming to get over and sometimes I wish id had the strength to just leave him and start over maybe by now id be healed and feel like a worthy person by now. i hope this helps at least a little and remember rule #1 about cheaters, you are not the problem, nothing you did made him cheat, its HIS problem and no one elses, regardless of what his excuse was its still just an excuse and not your fault at all. (Ive had to tell myself that all the time, thanks Dr. Phil)

Jennifer - posted on 08/30/2010

If you do choose to split-up with him do you have family who can help you out? My mam said what got her through was my sister and I, we were her rocks =]

Sarah - posted on 08/30/2010

I agree that it only takes once to truly regret it. I think that he will do it again (he did it in his last relationship) and I might be happier without him. It's just so damn scary, especially with four kids and another on the way.

Gena - posted on 08/30/2010

I have been cheated on & let me tell you it just results in a lot of drama & crap you don't need. While I was pregnant & my son's father was cheating on me his "girlfriend" got jealous of my pregnancy & decided to get pregnant herself too. This could happened with someone your man cheats with. He could get a S.T.D & pass it on too you. I could list a lot of bad things & I'm not even bitter just a little smarter. I found some one else. Someone who loves me more than life & I can trust with my whole heart. And it's wonderful & the best thing my ex ever did was cheat on me because he gave me a reason to leave him & find real love. I know you can work through it & become stronger but that would mean would need to stop cheating & it sounds like he hasn't learned his lesson. God bless you & your child I hope you find a happy life :)

Vanessa - posted on 08/30/2010

Ok this is what i went through I cheated before our relationship started and before we had our child. Do I regret it yes Have I done it before no. But we have been together after that happend for 2 wonderful years. I will tell you this you will never get over it things wont be the same like they were. But I will tell you this If hes done in the past he will continue to do it. My sister is going though the same thing and he just cant help himself. So in order to be truly happy u have to have that trust and if you cant trust him fully then dont give him the opportunity to hurt u again. hes done it 2wice hes bown to do it again it only takes once to truly regret what you did and never do it again.

Isabel - posted on 08/30/2010

Its hard to say but if you love the man that much....you just kinda deal with it, you know. like they say, (once a cheater, always a cheater) if you've had enough....get out! not all men are the same, and if a man can't appreciate what he has a home....is he worth fighting for??? i guess it just depends on how you want to live.

Jennifer - posted on 08/30/2010

I havn't bene through this myself but my parents did. My dad cheated and they tried working things out for the sake of my sister and I. I was 13 at the time and my sister 17 and it hit us very hard when they split and divorced but I have more respect for my parents for doing the right thing rather than living in misery together. My dad has just remarried (the woman he had the affair with) and my mam is happy being single.