Just because he works and I dont....

Gloria - posted on 01/21/2011

The man of the house does expect us to do almost everything in the house , i too experience the psychosis of is it fair or not . but you know if hes working fulltime hes not gonna want to clean or do laundry , the job we stay at home moms/wives signed up for sucks lol . honestly no matter what you do hes not going o clean however you can make him do things such as if u see it pick it up or take out the trash . being as your mom talk to him about maybe loading the dishwasher 2-3 days a week . he is tired and we as housewives have not made man feel the way they act , trust that my selfish man has been the same spoiled brat his whole life but has made great attitude adjustments :). men always feel they are supierior in some way shape or form . ppl forget though we have mass intelegence we r just mamals . a male is a male they controll they show off and they mark their teritory , the good news is we humans know how to compromise and work it out .

Agnes - posted on 01/20/2011

Thanks to most of your ladies for great responses!! Just some thing I would like to point out is 1. I would NEVER lay out my husbands clothes for him, that is pushing it, he is not in kindergarden, he is a grown man. I understand in the "olden" days the woman did everything! But times have changed, and if I am taking the kids all week to different acitivities and what not it is not like I am at home all day long. He has almost a firemans schedule, he works for 2 days then is home for 2 days, he works for 3 days then home for 3 days, and then back to 2. He does have a hard job, he is a police officer so some days when something bad happens I let him go into our room, close the door and do whatever he wants to get his mind off of things, I will bring him dinner and all. But on the typical day, especially his days off, there is no reason for him to sit around and do nothing. It took him 1 year to get safety locks on the cabinet, so the moms that are siding with him, whats the excuse there?? Or the fact that the christmas decorations outside were put down yesterday after they been knocked over for 2 months. So because I am a SAHM and it is my responsibility to mow the lawn too because thats house work? and shovel the driveway? Dont get me wrong, my house is ALWAYS clean, and I make sure of that everyday but the issue is that it gets messy largly due to the fact that he doesnt clean up after himself.

Charlie - posted on 01/20/2011

He gets angry when you ask him to help out ?

Sorry I don't know what else to suggest , he is an adult if Im met with excuses I cut through the bullshit .

Honey I hope you can find a way to get his ass into gear , that would make me furious , small children are enough to deal with let alone a full grown adult who hasn't yet grown up .

Stifler's - posted on 01/20/2011

WHY are you still with this person. Tell him to move back in with his mum or get a housekeeper.

Nibber - posted on 01/19/2011

i really don't want to hijack this thread but....

i can understand taking the computer and the xbox away, but i can hardly take the bed! And as for "asking" for something to get done, i'm met with excuses and anger. Like i said earlier i've tried leaving his washing where it is - it stays there, if i don't wash his clothes he wears them dirty, if I don't cook something for dinner, he'll cook for himself and leave me the dishes. I KNOW it's not as simple as just "asking".

Charlie - posted on 01/19/2011

"You cut off their resources for bludging. "

Exactly Emma , I honestly do not know how women put up with being treated like they have to mother their partners too , I'm lucky my fiancee does his part mainly without asking but occasionally he starts throwing his clothes on the floor and making a mess it's as simple as asking him to pick it up , the key word Nibber is they are a " GROWN ADULT "

Stifler's - posted on 01/19/2011

You cut off their resources for bludging.

Nibber - posted on 01/19/2011

""I think men in general are messy and a bit self obsorbed.""

"I don't think they are on purpose , I do think too many women allow them to be though . "

How do you make a grown adult do something that they don't want to do/don't believe they should have to?

Charlie - posted on 01/19/2011

"I think men in general are messy and a bit self obsorbed."

I don't think they are on purpose , I do think too many women allow them to be though .

Christina - posted on 01/19/2011

You are not crazy and it is unfair for him to treat you like that . My husband helps out for the most part but he could help out a little more wouldn't hurt but my mom's boyfriend thinks just because he works he can order everyone around and do nothing but sit on the couch and drink his whisky. They have lived in there house for 8 or more yrs and she can't even get him to put up shelves in the kitchen pantry or even put up smoke detectors. She had to pay someone to come over and do it. I would have a talk with him and tell him how you feel.

Jessica - posted on 01/19/2011

Your not crazy, My other half and I have an arrangement similar to this. I only say similar because while yes he is the sole breadwinner in the family, and my career is at home with the house I do 99% of everything. However, S. is really considerate, he picks up after himself and when asked to help out he dose. Our method is working really well for us, but i do know it woun't work for everybody. he works graves so when he gets home in the morning he has Boots (our son) time. he taks on most of the parenting while I "wake-up" and have some "me" time. then at nap time he puts him down and passes the ball in my court. It works for us. Try sitting down and talking to him about how you feel, that you achknowlegde and appreciate what he is doing for your family. Let him know you love and care, while doing this let him know you need him, one of the ways you need him is for him to listen. your job is hard, its 24/7 non-stop around the clock. balancing out caring for your child(ren) and doing housework, shopping, laundry etc. is almost immpossible and it would help you make sure you are successfull by doing little things like picking up after himself, throwing a load in once in awhile, doing a load of dish's. let him know how much this mean to you and your realationship, that you truly need his support. that you are not asking him to take over your job but just do a little here and there while you are handling other things. If that dosn't get to him and make him more helpfull, well, I'm sorry, he's just a dick and I have a different opinion about that. I hope this helps =)

Kirstin - posted on 01/19/2011

your not crazy! mine is the same whats worse is i take a half days rest because i havent had 1 in weeks and he sky rockets saying im lazy and don't do my job as we agreed i would take care of the house while he worked, his mates have told him to pull his head in and help out on his days off he told them and me thats his rest time, so when do i get mine? i have a high strung 18month old girl and he doesnt help out with her much either only if i am away for a day or 2 and that has only happened 2-3 times since we had her. i have tried talking to him calmly but he turns it into a huge fight points out all my faults says i dont do enough and that being a mum isant a fulltime job! he doesnt clean up after himself and if i get angry because he goes and has a few drinks with his mates (which last almost all night) he tells me to get over it that hes allowed to have some fun! well wheres mine? and does he not understand what his daughter goes like when she hasnt seen him in a day or 2? no he says i make it all up

Kristine - posted on 01/19/2011

I think he should help. I too have to PULL TEETH to get any help most of the time & when I get it he usually throws a fit like my 2 yo. I work harder being a stay at home mom then any other job I have ever had. It is unfair for him to not do ANYTHING. But you also have to remember it is a blessing to be able to stay at home with our children...that thought get me through my bad days (where I get no help at & have to clean up after him)

Missy - posted on 01/19/2011

Ahhhh! Men! This is one of those things that can cause a lot of problems in a marriage. First of all, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Being a SAHM is a job 24/7/365. Raising kids and keeping up with the house is both of your responsibilities! It is just wrong for a him to make you feel this way. If I were you I would sit him down, look him straight in the eye and tell him that you need to have a serious conversation with him. I would tell him how you feel and that things have to change. Period! If he is any kind of a good person and loves you like he should he will compromise. And if not...well, that's a different post. Good luck, girl! I wish you the best.

Khadijah - posted on 01/19/2011

I think men in general are messy and a bit self obsorbed. My husband does similar stuff but mostly because he just doesn't THINK! He would go about his day nonchalantly and is totally one track about it. Don't get me wrong....my husband is a SUPER DAD!! From day one he has changed daipers, night feeding,doctors visits...the whole nine. But as our twin girls get older I guess he figures "it takes less". NOT!!! I had a talk with him and for the most part he has jump back on board and is helping out much more!! But as for the usual "man thing" ie: leaving cereal boxes on the counter, empty plates and glasses next to the sink...well...lets just say its a work in progess. LOL From day one I laid ground rules about the things I will, and will not do. Taking outn trash is one and cleaning toilets is another. So that's two things I never have to worry about. :-)

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. If you feel like you need some help, you must say something to him about it! Communication is key! Get your thoughts together and lay them out for him as calmly as possible. Let him know how you really feel. Don't ask for too much at one time, but maybe gradually add things on for him to start helping you out with. It won't be perfect (as most marriages aren't) but try to compromise and take all the help he's willing to give.

Tanya - posted on 01/19/2011

Absolutely unfair! I have the same issue with my husband and our oldest child is 14. He has been like this for the entire time I have been staying home, which has been the last 6 yrs. We have four children and he feels as though when he gets home from work he is entitled to rest and relax. I am hoping someone has great advice on how to fix this issue.

Crystal - posted on 01/19/2011

No you are not crazy he is a but head.. Tell him you will gladly go to work and he can... Clean the house, vaccum, wash dishes, take the kids to the docs, school, dentist, friends play groups ect... on top of that he can play taxi, best friend and worst parent to ever live ( ask any teen) leave him with a list of what has to be done and with the kids.. leave friday night and dont come home till sunday at dinner time. Dont tell him where you are at and if he needs you to bad. I dont ask much of my man and i am a at home mom and yet he knows how hard I work most days im still at it come midnight.

Suzanne - posted on 01/19/2011

Understand. Have been trying to tell mine that 2 people live in this house and we are both responsible for keeping it tidy and organised. I cannot do everything myself when I have 2 active 2 year olds to play with, look after and be with. Very hard to clean the house, look after them, and sort everything out. He thinks that he works long hours, which I am lucky he has a good job and looks after us. I just don't understand that when I was not pregnant and did not have kids, I still cooked, cleaned, worked a full time job and did it all. Now I have 2 kids, cook, clean and do the laundry and still have no help. The only day I have the kids in childcare is thursdays and that is only for 6 hours, and it is not enough to get it all done. When weekends come around he wants to have a break and then I am left with still doing, When do I get a weekend. Also with my day off, I am supposed to be running around like a crazy woman cleaning and sorting. I am sure if it was his day off, he would play his computer game, or catch up on sleep.



I went on a bit of a break, hence the house is a bit messy, not dirty just untidy. Need to sort everything out. So that leaves me with no down time and no help. All very annoying. He sees that I should do it all at home, happy to do a lot of it but he still needs to help out and make sure that he contributes to the housework on the weekends when he is here. I keep on having the same conversation with him. He does not get it. Don't know what else to do. He wanted to hire a cleaner but I think we can save that money as hiring a cleaner does not get him helping and as we live in a small house we have no idea where to put things, how do I tell someone what to do with stuff when I have no idea.

Maria - posted on 01/18/2011

I totally hear you. My husband does the same thing. When he makes himself something, I have to behind him and clean up the mess he leaves behind. The responsibility of the kids ALWAYS land on me because "he;s too tired because HE WORKS and he's on HIS FEET for 8 hours" Boohoo!!! I'm on my feet from 7:00am untill 11:30pm. WOW i get to sit down while I'm feeding the baby or eating a snack. I don't want to hear that crap!!! We work just as hard being SAHM's. Maybe even harder. I think men take us for granted. I'd like to see them do what we do on a daily basis. I think it'd very unfair how we're treated.

Pam - posted on 01/18/2011

well Rachelle,my husband is very loving nd respectful too.he is but just messy,the 2 dnt mix

Charlie - posted on 01/18/2011

As a SAHM I work 24 hours a day , when my fiancee is home he is happy to help out even though he works from 13 - 14 hour shifts , he washes his own work clothes and enjoys bathing and changing the boys nappies while I cook and clean .

We are 50 / 50 when it comes to parenting and he always offers to help with the housework when he is home .

I wouldn't have it any other way , just because I do most of the household chores doesn't mean he shouldn't at least offer .

For us it is about making each others life easier I take care of him , he takes care of me .

Rachelle - posted on 01/18/2011

In our house we both have jobs. He might leave for work but I am taking care of 2 soon to be 3 kids under 3. My job is to meet the kids needs during the day and when I have time clean up if not after we put the kids to bed together we both clean up. I have to say after reading some of these post I'm a lucky woman to have such a respectful and loving partner.

Pam - posted on 01/18/2011

i know what u mean, i so hate it and it drives me nuts.lets pray for them.lol

Tiffany - posted on 01/18/2011

THIS IS TOO FUNNY THAT I CAME ACROSS YOUR POST BECAUSE I JUST CALLED MY FRIEND COMPLAINING ABOUT THIS. i HATE THAT MY HUSBAND IS LIKE THIS AND I FEEL THAT THIS IS NOT THE STONE AGES AND MEN CAN HELP US MORE

Hayley - posted on 01/17/2011

I do agree that it is unfair,yes! Although I don't mind completely running the house whilst my partner works. The huge difference is he doesn't expect it and if I ever need help he always does without fail.

Charity - posted on 01/17/2011

At least you can get him to wash his own uniforms.

Casey - posted on 01/17/2011

I always get my partners clothes for work out the night before too there is nothing worse at 5am having him fumble around trying to find his clothes and waking me up lol, I prefer to do it just before I go to bed then I know it's done.
I'm one of those house wifey types who loves to take care of people and that includes my parter so his a bit spoilt but he knows it and appriciates it, I also enjoy housework and cleaning it gives me a sense of pride and also fills my day, I dunno what I would do with myself all day if I didn't have to do housework.

Nikkole - posted on 01/17/2011

oh im sorry i wasn't directing my comment towards you lol (just saying what i think in general) but yea i wouldn't do that either :)

Ashley - posted on 01/17/2011

that is what i am supposed to do but i still do the garbage.. but i shouldnt have to get him ready for work. he is old enough to do it himself.

Nikkole - posted on 01/17/2011

I feel that if you both agreed you were to be a stay at home mom then the house is your job to take care of now that being said he shouldn't purposely come home and make huge messes! Me and my husband sat down and decided what i did around the house and what he does i do everything except take out trash.

Ashley - posted on 01/17/2011

i think it is a guy thing my husband does that to. except i was his clothes, lay out his work clothes, fix his lunch, sometimes i run his bath water. i do the cleaning and raising our two boys and all the stuff that needs to be done around my house. my husband also doesn't eat unless i cook and fix his plate and bring it to him.

Casey - posted on 01/16/2011

Im so glad Im not the only one. Sometimes I feel like I am. My boyfriend works and I stay home. I am to do everything. Now Im only 21 and have never been a real good house keeper to be honest. My boyfreind works on a hog farm. He screws off most of the time. He will get a tone of stuff out and then tell me I need to take care of it. To top it off he wont get ride of anything. Thank you all. I know Im not alone.

Michelle - posted on 01/16/2011

My husband cleans but only if it gets really messy..im 20 with 8 hurinated disc in my spine from 2 different car accidents..my husband knows about it but he doesnt seem to realize how bad it hurts sometimes..so on a bad week i may not be able to keep up with the dishes or laudry then he'll do it him self the whole while bitching about it...the thing that pisses me off is if my step son..(not our son but his from a one night stand with his slutly ex.) needs a diaper change he expects me to do it..(now im not a normal step parent, we didnt know about this child till 4 months after our wedding when he was 19 months so i didnt exactly sign up for it..i dont expect help with household stuff, i may get behind but only when im in pain..but i do expect help with our child and his child.

Jessica - posted on 01/16/2011

Luckily my husband and I have come to an agreement.. He takes out the garbage and cleans the toilets.. I'll do the rest. He occasionally helps with other stuff but otherwise that's about all he does. I get really frustrated when I have to pick stuff up after him all the time. One day I told him I feel like I am picking up after him more than the kids. He's gotten a little better but leaves stuff laying out or garbage laying around all the time when he is done with something. Drives me crazy. He does like to procrastinate on stuff too. Took him about the same time to get safety things on our cabinets too. It sucks.. but it seems it'll never change.

Marybeth - posted on 01/16/2011

No it does not. He is an adult and it is BOTH of your responsibility to clean and maintain your home. Yes, he does bring in the money, and you are home to do it, but you should not shoulder ALL the responsibilities at home.

We've been married going on 7 years and I STILL deal with this. It's gets better though. I do have to remind him that my job keeps me running 24/7, while he gets to clock out and come home, and a little bit of help would allow us BOTH the time to sit and relax.

Stifler's - posted on 01/16/2011

Men are not children. They have 2 legs and a heart beat, they can help with wiping the dishes if you do them by hand and do some stuff. Don't sit back and feel unfairly treated make them do something.

Pam - posted on 01/16/2011

women are so strong to put up with all this crap that man do.my husband is soooooo messsy nd it really piss me off.sometime i feel like its better i dont clean because it doesnt make any sense.he gonna mess it up anyway.i cant even invite my frends to the house because am embarrased they going to see the messy house.i clean nd cook everyday but as soon as he gets back from work,its already messy.clothes on the floor,5 glassses of juice in the bedroom. ugghhh.i hate it.wat can i do.

Sherri - posted on 01/16/2011

Nobody in my entire house is allowed to touch my washer and dryer EVER except me. Not my husband, not my kids NOBODY. They screw up the laundry, my clothes, make a mess, use to much, too little laundry det. They over stuff the washer, mix colors FORGET it. I will do that all myself. They can help with folding clothes and sorting into whose piles they go, that's it.

Shannon - posted on 01/16/2011

not to brag or anything but my hubby dose the laundry and dishes and almost everything I do but I have put in 11 years to earn that it take talking and all that work stuff that a lot of people are not willing to put in theses days. but on the other hand if you knew he was like that before you were married then thats what you put in for. but if you do ask or demaned help he will not give it. or you could go on strike lol.

Sherri - posted on 01/16/2011

I think it also depends on your situation. My husband has to get up at 3:30am to get to work for 5am. He works 60+hrs a wk and is a truck driver that drives 400 miles a day, so it is imperative that he sleeps enough so he doesn't kill someone on the roads. He usually is only ever home at night for an hour or two before he collapses in bed for the night. On the weekend he helps me out more but he truly sacrifices so that we are able to have one parent home with the kids all the time to keep them out of daycare. I try and ask him to do very little at home because he works so hard 5 days a week, that he deserves to rest on the weekends. I have rest periods during the week even though I am here all day. Housework is nothing compared to what he does all week.

Carmina - posted on 01/16/2011

nibber cat that is just too funny i swear u just wrote my man exactly haha

Rebecca - posted on 01/15/2011

Ummm unfair. My husband would rather pull teeth than do laundry but he has no problem in helping me clean, cook and is a master (sometimes with reminders) of cleaning up after himself. I'm his wife, and the mother to his daugher and unborn child, not his servant (not like we're getting paid). At the end of the day because I do stay at home I do most of the cleaning, cooking and so forth but I'll be blown if he comes home and turns the house into a war zone and god gave him two arms and a heartbeat so he can help on the weekends. Many years ago I got so cranky with him that I picked up all his dirty clothes and dishes and other bits and pieces and dumped them on his side of the bed, it took two nights but he got the message. Don't get me wrong, my hubby works very hard and travels some 180km a day round trip for work so I'm no Nazi when he gets home (I have room for his dirty clothes left in the bathroom when he jumps in the shower) but I do expect he cleans up after himself if he makes a mess in the kitchen if he makes himself something to eat after work and I do expect he help clean up after dinner and help put our daughter to bed.
Maybe you need to take a holiday for a couple of nights, leave him with bub and he'll get a very rude shock on how full on being a stay at home mum is. Crazy

Nibber - posted on 01/15/2011

My partner works 28 hours a week, most shifts are as short as 4 or 5 hours. This then entitles him to stay up all night playing video games, sleeping in until its time to work again, leaving dirty clothes and dishes around the house, not having to contribute to any housekeeping - either inside or outside the house (his father comes around to cut our lawn and fix the garden) and just generally being difficult. I've tries not washing his work clothes - he just wears them to work dirty and when his boss asks him why his clothes are dirty he blames me.It's like i've said to him in the past, if the both of us were equal and I behaved the way he does Child Services would take our son away. Stupid Bloody Man

Alexis - posted on 01/15/2011

I understand that most of the at home chores will go to the stay at home mom, it is part of the job description. (That also depending on how many kids you have, I have one so yes I do most of the housework). However, not even putting food back that you got out is completely lazy, would he do that in the break room at work even though they have a janitor? NO! And just because you may do most of the housework it doesn't mean you can get up right then and there and put his food away before some of it spoils. My hubby will at least put his dirty dishes in the kitchen, food he gets out away and dirty clothes in the laundry. I do feel you on asking them to do something and 6 months later you are still waiting. If it is something I can do that I need done I will go ahead and do it. However if it is something that is his, like mounting the surround sound speakers instead of keeping them on the floor for baby to get to them, then I will bug (nag) him to do it. I have talked to him about it before too, saying that I don't like feeling like I am his parent but I am starting to think that it may just be the male psyche. IDK. Try talking to him about what exactly you want done, example put food, dirty dishes away or in the sink. Full load of laundry when you do one etc. Sometimes they need very direct specific directions. If this doesnt work or he doesnt comply then don't do it for him. If that means his mess stays in the kitchen for a week so be it, until he realizes just how much extra work he makes for you. Hope that helps.

Jess - posted on 01/15/2011

Yes Its unfair! My "Husband" does the same crap to me. He is always making comments about how he works 8 hours a day some times more in a factory and he doesnt expect me to understand what that is like. And he claims that I do not apprecaite what he does for me. I dont know about your man but mine doesnt even help with the kids with out me having to beg. Its crazy that men act like this but at keast I know Im not alone now. Does your always act like everything bad happens to him and no one else too? lol

Allie - posted on 01/15/2011

No you're not crazy.. but it IS men for ya. Completely helpless.. lol The best thing is to pick your battles. I always have an extensive honey-do list but I narrow it down to what I REALLLLY want done and have him do it Saturday early afternoon... and I can get him to do the dishes maybe once a week (and that one time is enough). And remember to thank him for all his hard work, because my husband and I had to read a book for our (Christian) pre-marriage counseling class called "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (which I didn't agree with 100% but I learned some from it) but basically, guys need that praise and respect as much as you want their help around the house.

Amanda - posted on 01/15/2011

My exhusband was like that. When I asked him to help out around the house, he flat-out said no. So I divorced him. It's the same now as whe he was still here, only no one to take the garbage out or bring the grocieries in for me. Oh well, I'll find someone worth it next time.

Amber - posted on 01/15/2011

I feel Sorry for all u women out there who think its unfair....My husband works 12 hour shifte everynight and manages to make time for helping around the house Sometimes its easier not to take up so much time complaining..

Autumn - posted on 01/15/2011

were human to and we need help plain and simle jus point it out to him if he doesnt help then make ur self food and not him do ur laundry and not his also no sex is a good one lol

Casey - posted on 01/15/2011

Personally I think if your going to a be a stay at home mum then the housework should be your job, however in saying that he should be able to clean up his mess after making a snack or put his washing in the laundry instead of leaving it on the floor and if a damn cupboard needs fixing he should do it, I don't think a man who works fulltime should have to come home and do dishes, cook dinner, vacuum the floors or do the washing if your home all day then just do it it's not that hard but they still need to step up and be a man and do the little things around the house that men need to do. I do all the housework in our home and I even mow the lawns but when my partner takes off dirty clothes or uses a towel he throws them in the laundry or if he makes a snack in the kitchen he puts everything back in the fridge or cupboard and puts his plate in the sink but other then that he doesn't do the housework he works 50 hours a week while I stay at home so I wouldn't expect him to do the housework as long as he fixes things when they need fixing and he spends time with his son and he shows me the love and respect I deserve then I am happy.