Just moved from CA to MI, I dont know anyone and battling severe depression. Help?

Nadia - posted on 10/18/2012 ( 28 moms have responded )

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My husband recently made the decision to move us from CA to MI to take care of his elderly grandmother who raised him. He has a very large extended family that lives in town, however no one wanted the responsibility of caring for her so they were going to put her in a home. That did not sit well with my husband which is why he made this decision to move.

Moving was not something I wanted to do and I was very much against it, however, his grandmother means the world to him and I felt that I had no right to say no to him taking care of her.

This move has been extremely hard for me, I was very close to my family and friends, not to mention I had a job that I loved. I had to leave everything to move across the country to a place where I dont know anyone. I have been battling depression for many years and after my 16 month old son was born it has became much much worse.

My husband works 12 hour days, 6 days a week and spends 3-4 nights a week at his grandmothers house because she needs round the clock care. I hardly ever see him and when I do he just wants to go to bed and sleep. We literally havent had an actual conversation other than "Hi honey, how was your day" in about 3 months. I rarely leave my house, really I only go out every couple of weeks to buy groceries. I've gotten to a point where I can barely muster up the energy and motivation to take care of my son and house. I feel like Im becoming a bad mother. Even the tiniest of things seem like a total chore. Im in bed all day and all I do is cry.

I feel stuck. Im extremely proud of my husband for taking care of his grandmother, I recognize that not many men would do something like that and his loyalty is very admirable but I feel like my depression is getting worse everyday.

I've tried talking to my husband about it in the past but he doesnt understand or try to understand what I am going through. He simply shrugs it off and says that I'm being dramatic and to just get over it and be happy with what I have. He says I'm being unfair to him and does not think that leaving my home, job and family was a sacrifice.

Ive been told to pick up hobbies, start working out, etc. but my motivation to do anything is virtually non-existant. I need friends and/or support but have no idea where to even begin to look.

I should also mention that I am of a different race than he is and because of that his family has shunned me and for a while his mother and aunts made it their mission to make my life difficult. My home has been vandalized by them, I was even assaulted by his uncle and 2 male cousins one night while my husband wasnt home, if it wasnt because both my dogs happen to be retired police dogs and protected my son and I, we would not have lived through that situation. Charges were pressed, they are now in prison and my husband has stopped communication with just about everyone in his family, so I know his loyalty is to me, however I cant help but feel like all of this is unnecesary.

I guess my real question is would it be unfair for me to ask that he put his grandmother in a home and move back to CA or do I stay and deal with this situation and make the best of it?

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Ola - posted on 11/25/2012

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hiya, i haven't read all responses so i'm not if someone suggested this or not. Why don't you suggest that he takes his grandmother to your old home in your city where you have friends and family who support and love you?



this may mean that you may be asked to do a bit of caring of his grandmother which i think may help with your depressions. The feeling that we are genuinely helpful to people in need somehow gives us boost of confidence and relief.



You need professional help though to help you with the traumatic experience of attack from his family. There are organizations that can do free counselling. It's very nice what he is doing but also you must put yourself and your welfare first.

Suggest that his grandma moves to your old house, set a care routine between both of you and other professionals if needed.

don't forget you also have a toddler and this on its own a big responsibility. Take care of yourself first as this will impact on your child's happiness as well.



Good luck,

Jenn - posted on 11/16/2012

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Hi Nadia,

I live in Michigan also, the North Oak Park/Berkley area. Pontiac is pretty rough and the fact that you are dealing with absolutely horrid in-laws is ridiculous. I have a 7 year old and a 15 month old. Send me a inbox message if you want to meet somewhere with the kiddos just to get out of the house. :-)

Barbara - posted on 10/21/2012

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When we are overwhelmed with our own fears, anxieties, and isolation, it's really hard to see what another may be going through. Don't beat yourself up with this, just be available to talk to him when he comes home from work or back from gramma's house. When a friend of mine was confronted with this dilemma, they chose to move gramma from her home in Virginia into their home here in California. It was a difficult time for everyone in the household, adapting to an elderly woman, dealing with her medical needs, emotional support and physical limitations. He is a champion in my eyes, for uprooting himself (and his family), finding a job in a different state, all so that he could keep his grandma in her familiar surroundings and take care of her. He will revisit this long after she has gone with other members of your family (your grandma, mom, dad?) This demonstrates his dedication to family and nothing could speak more clearly about his values. Find ways to get out, meet people, develop interests in hobbies, ask him if you can go with him to help with grandma to take a little of the care giving off of his shoulders. I think he will feel so supported by you that you may be rewarded with a huge smile and a hug. I would want to know that my husband 'gets it', understands the dedication, the love, and the gratitude I'm showing by being there.

Katherine - posted on 10/20/2012

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Nadia,



Try meetup.com I'm a member and there are a lot of playgroups and moms to meet.

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28 Comments

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Kelly - posted on 11/29/2012

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Wow, I know how you feel! Your life is not your own anymore. It sounds like you gave up too much to make sure your husband was happy, and ended up sacrificing your own happiness. I can only imagine the underlying anger you must harbour toward your husband. If it were me, I would get my old job back, and divorce the guy. It doesn't sound like he is too concerned about your happiness. He allowed you to give up your life, he knew it wasn't what you wanted, and now that you are unhappy he is not supportive. You have to say something, but before you do, sit down and think about your options. You have to get out, that's #1. So you can either get out with your husband, or without him. Sit down with him and tell him what you want, tell him you want to go back to your old life. If he doesn't support it, or offer some sort of logical alternative then you need to prepare yourself to leave him. You can't waste away feeling like this. I have been living miserable and depressed for eight years now because I promised my teen-ager that I would stay in my miserable town where I had no friends, no boyfriend and no job until she graduated from high school. I did that, and I now have eight more months and I can leave. I am so excited I can barely hold myself together, but I'm also afraid. You can easily get stuck in the mode of being uninvolved, unispired, sad, helpless, hopless and unimportant. I'm afraid I'll move and go right back to it because it's what I'm used to. Don't end up like me and get so used to being miserable and disconnected that you forget what is was like to really live!

Amanda - posted on 11/09/2012

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I would visit the park a few days a week to start. Then find a simple part time job that you'll like and a daycare that you're comfortable with. Getting out of the house n working will allow you to meet people and give you time outside the home and from always tending to your son 24/7. It will be healthy for your son as well to be around diff people and have playmates. I'm a stay at home mom and I'm seriously considering a part time job as well. Sometimes I would feel that I have no social life or any "me" time. I have recently started taking my children to a sitter once a week for a full day to make time for myself and what i want or need to do. Staying isolated will cause your depression to become worse. As for your family I would keep close contact by phone and go visit whenever you get a chance.Hearing a close relatives voice may help give you comfort and get you through all of this. Or if this doesn't work maybe you should ask your husband to move back to CA and take the grandmother with you all there to live.

Patricia - posted on 10/30/2012

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I think that its a bunch of bullshit IM sorry but dam what about you.,your children...?The familly dosent like you wow and nobody wants to help with the grandma.....move back to cali. bring the grandma with you and take care of her out here...when she passes they all can travel here to the funeral and if they dont forget them yuck....yeah its nice how your husband cares for here but you dont forsake your most inportant your own family....you need to be helped not put on the back burner...come back home to cali. let him do what hes got to do if he dosent want to come along then let him stay.....im sure theres gonna be alot of people who dont agree with me but thats ok ....I understand the sittuation but its for the birds....you dont talk much or anything ,hello goodbye it dosent sound right maybe he has a gf also......call me crazy hope things work out for you I really do............wow something just isnt right......

Megan - posted on 10/23/2012

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Nadia,

I agree with what a lot of these women are saying on here. I was like you very independent like I stated in my previous reply. How long has it been since your move? My husband has been in Louisiana since July and my boys and I cam 6 weeks later. As I stated before my husband works day in and day out, on weekends he was dragging the family out and we were never at home. My boys who are very well behaved in public started causing scenes and they got displayed but the very next weekend more fun. So this past weekend I forced a time out. We all stayed home and reevaluated our family of 4 and talked and went over who we are as a family and talked about why we are here and the life experiences we are making. It was really nice and two days later it seems like we are getting back on track as a family. Maybe you and your husband and child just need a few hours for the three of you to talk express yourselves. It. Doesn't need to be an entire weekend y'all are busy. We needed to figure chores and who does what all over again. My husband brought his laptop home last night so after our boys went to bed he finished his work here and he was able to leave the office an hour earlier had he finished it there. We laid in bed and talked as he did his work. I guess maybe y'all should work out a compromise and then he can be with you and you son more. It will get better time is on your side. :)

Megan - posted on 10/23/2012

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Nadia,

I agree with what a lot of these women are saying on here. I was like you very independent like I stated in my previous reply. How long has it been since your move? My husband has been in Louisiana since July and my boys and I cam 6 weeks later. As I stated before my husband works day in and day out, on weekends he was dragging the family out and we were never at home. My boys who are very well behaved in public started causing scenes and they got displayed but the very next weekend more fun. So this past weekend I forced a time out. We all stayed home and reevaluated our family of 4 and talked and went over who we are as a family and talked about why we are here and the life experiences we are making. It was really nice and two days later it seems like we are getting back on track as a family. Maybe you and your husband and child just need a few hours for the three of you to talk express yourselves. It. Doesn't need to be an entire weekend y'all are busy. We needed to figure chores and who does what all over again. My husband brought his laptop home last night so after our boys went to bed he finished his work here and he was able to leave the office an hour earlier had he finished it there. We laid in bed and talked as he did his work. I guess maybe y'all should work out a compromise and then he can be with you and you son more. It will get better time is on your side. :)

User - posted on 10/23/2012

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welcome to michigan :) im from here if u need to know about anything let me know :)

Janelle - posted on 10/20/2012

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Nadia

That's great! Keep the faith (in yourself). So glad that others are supporting you here. Love and light big hug from me Janelle

Nadia - posted on 10/20/2012

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Katherine,

Thats not very far. Thats wonderful I will definately look into it :)

Thank you!

Nadia - posted on 10/20/2012

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Barbara,

You made some excellent points. I never realized how draining all of this must be to my husband. I guess I was too worried about how I was feeling and assuming he was fine because "he got what he wanted" sort of speak. I need to be more conscious about what hes going through.

The volunteering advice was great too. I will be keeping in mind all those options and start researching my community a little more. Im sure theres something I can find that will help me. Getting out of the house and having some human interaction will do me good.

Thank you very much

Katherine - posted on 10/20/2012

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I live in Canton, about 45 minutes from you. Depending on how fast you drive wink wink.

Nadia - posted on 10/20/2012

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Janelle,

Thank you again, you basically said exactly what I knew deep inside. I couldnt ask him to do that to his grandmother for the same reasons I couldnt stop him from making the decison to move. And yes, he is a very decent man and knowing him, he will stay here taking care of her until she is no longer with us. I would hate to be the one to force him into something he is so passionate about.

I was on anti depressants on several occasions when I was in my teens and each time my depression took a negative turn, the only times I ever attempted suicide was when I was on them. As bad as things have gotten I have never been that low, so I made the decision to never take them again.

I will do my best to take to heart everything you have said. Your words are very encouraging.

Thank you

Nadia - posted on 10/20/2012

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Megan,

Thank you, it's comforting to know thatI am not alone and someone else has gone through something similar. It sounds like things got better for you. Im glad to hear that.

Janelle - posted on 10/20/2012

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Nadia,

Just be aware that doctors are trained to think medications are always the answer for depression and life challenges!The girlfriends that I know that have been on these meds has made them feel suicidal and physically worse due to side effects. It is not a genuine healing modality. They are very toxic and damage the brain. Think very carefully about this advice. (Just my opinion) :)

Barbara - posted on 10/19/2012

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I don't think anyone can advise you about sticking it out or moving back to CA. This is a decision that you and your husband need to discuss. It sounds as though you are very depressed and might be benefited by some professional help. Talk to your doctor and get a referral. As far as your husband is concerned, he sounds completely exhausted, working, dealing with your immediate family issues and the complications with his extended family, plus the health issues of grandma that caused this move to begin with. He sounds overwhelmed by his grandmothers condition and all of the demands on him. Any one that could find time to mess around with all of that going on has got to be superhuman. Talk to him first about some of his reactions to the move. Find out how grandma is doing. Get out at least once a week, check with local churches or synagogues for women's support groups, maybe even one with a 'babysitting' service for your son. Once a week, in addition to a support group, volunteer at your local library or elementary school. Hospitals are always looking for volunteers as well. There are volunteer opportunities in nearly every community, large and small. At first it will seem like too much effort is required, but in no time I believe you will start looking forward to that time with the support group or the volunteer activity you've chosen (reading to toddlers at the library, reading to kindergardeners at your local grammar school, etc). You can Google volunteering for your community on the web. I hope I said something that might be helpful to you. I was laid up for several months due to an auto accident and the sheer isolation nearly drove me crazy. I was hurting from my back injury, trapped at home because I couldn't drive with the medication I was taking, the phone hardly ever rang unless it was someone trying to sell me something. Once I could get off some of the medication, it made it easier for me to get out and volunteer, and my depression vanished and I looked forward to the two days each week that I could help out at our church. Above all, hang in there, enjoy this time with your son - they grow up so fast, you will be astonished, but don't let him take the place of other adults and activities - Get up, get dressed and get out of the house - go for a walk with your baby!

Janelle - posted on 10/19/2012

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Nadia!



I'm so glad you read my post and that it helped a little. I'm glad you reached out. I was hoping my post did not come across as condecending.



I also wanted to mention to you as well.... that making major decisions when we are at our lowest or most vunerable is not always the wise thing to do. Moving away doesn't necessarily make things better, it could further complicate things. Just give, what is just in front of you a red hot go. Try to make your situation work for you. Your husband sounds like a decent guy. (A decent man is hard to find so he is worth supporting)



In regard to your question about asking him to put grandma in a home. I think (just my opinion) it would be wise on your part to allow him to make that decision. It's a major one and for some reason it sounds like he wants to 'repay' this person for their positive input in his early life. That is a very honorable thing to do, so I would think, this is a situation that you may need to step back and let hubby make that decision. Give it some serious thought, otherwise he will feel possibly resentment and regret and will always wonder what could have been... if you get my drift?! I think one of the reasons why alot of marriages fail is because people expect perfection all the time and in real life its not like that. It's about sticking together through good and bad times. (unless your life is in danger, then that is another matter all together!) I think in these tough times we get to see what we are made of (not always good, but we are only human!) ...BUT it can make us better people for the future. Tough times can be character building. We are demonstrating alot for our kids when they are young. They learn so much by what we DO than what we SAY. BE the example you want your kids to be. Don't ever underestimate your potential here! p.s Whenever you feel a wave of sadness or just feeling overwhelmed (which I think you are) just take a big deep breath and break the depression cycle and do something positive no matter how small as long as you feel better! Put a coping plan in place and make some goals. Give it your best shot. One day at a time! Baby steps. Best of luck always. Love and light Janelle

Megan - posted on 10/19/2012

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I know exactly what your going through! I am from Florida originally and that is where I met my husband. He is from Maryland and was living in NC. He was visiting His mom in Florida and went back to NC and we started a long distance relationship. We went back and forth and wound up pregnant. I was 24 had my own life I was a successful hairdresser and also held a second job just because. My entire family is from Florida all my friends I had my own money car everything. I told I didn't need him I was very independent. He wanted to be with me and raise our child together but moving to Florida was not an option. I moved. I did not do well at all. After a year I went to work but that never took the resentment that I had for him away. I had another son my boys are 3 years apart....that's when things for me really got worse, my very intruding mother in law moved up 3 miles from us and I had to go on antidepressants so I would get out if bed without crying. My husband never understood and told me I could never move on if I just stay unhappy. Well a year ago my husbands brother and wife were visiting and his other bro and sis in law we were all over my mother in laws house....my husband and his visiting bro and our two boys went to the ice cream shop and my sis in law asked my a question and had a small conversation which included every one and my mother in law said I am a "b". I had it that is not the first thing she has done to me but the worst. Well my husband found out and actually went nuts on her she said I was talking and she didn't give me permission to speak!!! Needless to say we are now living 13 hours away and are happy here. My husband works about 14-16 hours a day and it is so easy to loose ourselves when we become mothers. My husband will come home and plop down and that's about it. Last weekend he got mad at me for replying to a Facebook comment his newly divorced bro put and I simply told him if he doesn't like me talking to any men or women then maybe he needs to make time for me. And let me tell you he did he was home by 6 pm 3 nights in a row and its been better sometimes we just have to prove we don't need them as much as they think we do!! Good luck to you and take care of YOU!!

Nadia - posted on 10/19/2012

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Janelle,

Thank you for your words. They were very encouraging and helpful. I will take to heart what you said and start making small steps to get out of this hole. There is a park near my house, I think I will start there and go for walks during the day. Again, thank you. I appreciate your advice.

Janelle - posted on 10/19/2012

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Hello there Nadia, you poor thing. You sound like you have had some challenging times but you know what? We all get challenged at some point in our lives and this is yours. Remember you do have options and choices don't forget. It's not the end of the world! You CAN fix this moment in your life ok. It just takes a bit of time and self will. If your husbands reasons for moving are totally honest then start connecting with the outside world. I'm not suggesting for one second you abandon your family to indulge in outside interests but I think you are in need of a life balance overhaul. Get out of bed, put a bit of make up on, (whatever makes you feel good) and get out of the house even if its just a daily walk with your child. Get mobile, that is a start. Are you near a beach or lake? Is there a local gym where they have child minding facilities? I think it would do you the world of good if you do a couple of days at the gym. Take time out to get the blood pumping and to feel good about yourself. Spin classes are great! (No I'm not a gym junkie but I do love these classes because I feel so great afterwards, mind you the first couple of classes are hard slog but pace yourself first@!) I strongly recommend exercise in times of extreme stress because this is what saved me when I was going through dark times myself.! It just gave me that extra handle on life to cope with things. Enquire about mother groups if that interests you too. Kids thrive around other children. Volunteer at your local school and connect with the mums. You sound like you are very lonely and low in self worth. You know sometimes, even when you have married a good man, a man cannot fulfil EVERY single need of a woman. I think it would serve us better to have a mixture of people in our lives to connect with but you have to make a conscious decision to put the wheels in motion to do something about it. When you are feeling stronger, perhaps support your husband in helping his relative even if its just taking some flowers over her house. Maybe consider a part time job down the track when you are ready of course. BUT all I can say is little steps at a time. Just get by day by day. Sometimes thinking too far ahead can stress us. Make a effort to be positive towards yourself. Make yourself a herbal tea. Tell yourself life WILL get better. Do positive things for yourself. You ARE worth it! Anyone who has a child is very important. You are the lynch pin of the family. So take care of yourself. Good luck Nadia, Janelle (Australia)

Loreta - posted on 10/18/2012

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If is not there for u pack up with your baby and go back in CA see if he follows u if not there is a lover there

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