Lonely

Erin - posted on 02/08/2009 ( 30 moms have responded )

32

17

5

Sometimes, i feel so isolated and alone. I go to MOPS and playdates but I don't feel like I fit in. I am so lonely, my husband is always working and never home. I feel like i should get a job to get out of the house but I do NOT want to leave my children with anyone else to raise. I love being a stay at home mom but sometimes i get so lonely it borderlines on depression. What can I do? i am about to cry right now thinking about it. My husband doesn't understand. i do do things out of the house but I still fell so isolated and alone. Any advice or help? Because God only knows how bad I need some advice right now. See, now I am crying

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Priscilla - posted on 02/11/2009

85

9

7

Awww girl! I'm so sorry you feel this way. I felt like this when I had my son. I had always worked and being away from my family and a stay at home mom was a huge change for me and was very hard at first. I too would cry and then feel bad because I should have felt blessed to be at home with my baby and not have to work. It took awhile for me to get used to things. NOW, I'm over the top proud and excited to be with my son 24/7. Don't get me wrong, there are days where I want to pull my hair out, but WE have the control of what gets done around the house, what we can do etc. I usually go out and have lunch with my son because besides my boys, food is my #1 priority! I go get a pedicure and take my son with me and the people are so nice and I do give him a candy so he can chill out. If I had more then one kid, I would go to a museum or someplace where they can run around. Now, my hubby does understand me and understands that i need my space and since he does work and can't really help out, he leaves everything to me but understands i need my little treats and fun. I think you need to fix how your hubby see's things..I honestly think this is what is making you feel this way because it has to do with confidence. If my hubby wouldn't understand me, i would probably just go down and be depressed all the time. As far as mom groups, i did it once and thought it was lame! Main thing because all of them were older than me and i was the youngest and they thought i had too much in life for my age..go figure. Anyhow, as long as i have my boys, I'm all good. This is why you definitely need to be on the same page with your hubby. I hope you feel better. Your a great person for wanting to be with your kids. Is there anyone who can help take care of your kids and you go out and do something?

[deleted account]

I like talking to other moms on here. I also go walk around the mall or something. As soon as I get the money I want to sign up for the gym. The men dont understand. If I am ever to say something that sounds like a complaint he will say no one made you stay home. Dont get me wrong, he is grateful and now probably wouldnt have it any other way. I just tell him I need some alone time. I cant even pee alone anymore ;) I also like when I'm driving alone to turn the radio up real loud and sing! haha :)

Kristin - posted on 02/11/2009

2

0

0

I dont have any advice for you but i feel the same way. I dont have a licence so its hard for me to get out. my husband is gone all the time on the riggs.I have no family close by to help either. People dont always understand how it feels and to read what you have to say makes me want to cry too. Alot of the times i hear that I am lucky to be able to stay home with my daughter but i dont feel to lucky to have to feel like this all the time. I was on depression meds and trust me they really dont help. they make you feel even worse. You know what helps me sometimes is something as simple as a walk. anything to get out of the house.

everytime you want to cry just look at your child and think of how happy your making them and the difference it will make in their lives.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

30 Comments

View replies by

Paulette - posted on 11/23/2012

18

0

0

I too felt the same way I got a book Praying wives which helped.But your love language look up love languages the book is probably like mine and they don't understand u want time They are happy often with affirmation and and I had to communicate I would work part time around the house if he could work less and spend some time with me regularly.Please do this to save your marriage.Its a genuine need for us and it will save u heartache and anger later.Marriages often have founded because of this.Take care PauletteIll be thibnking of u and praying for u cause i know how u feel I felt the same way.Paulette

Diane - posted on 11/05/2012

1

0

0

I can relate. I was a stay at home mom for 14 yrs. I took care of the house, animals, ran the office of our small business in CA. Things were pretty good, so I thought. Husband was away a lot and I spent a lot of lonely days with the child and animals. I loved it but at the same time felt like I should do more to help out. I had a lot of dfferent hobbies such at messing around on a keyboard, doing puzzels, learning other languages, cooking (my favorite thing to do especially as my son got older and could really appreciate it), art projects like cross stich and painting, beading. But I didn't have a lot of outside friends. I had a younger sister who would come over occasionally and we would take the kids to the park. It seemed so full, but I kept hearing that I should want more. Well things in CA got kind of tight and the business wasn't doing very well. We wound up with some issues of tax kind and my husband fell into a depression. Things got really bad and we wound up losing everything business, home, animals our lives. He finally made the choice that he couldn't make it there anymore and so we left everything behind and moved to PA. It was a rough time for all of us. But I found myself very lost. No family, no friends, and totally clueless of what I was going to do. I wound up having to get a job, which lelf my 15 yr old alone durning the with his father who had gotten a night job, so he slept mostly, and with me at night. Then I got hurt and lost my job and now I don't know what to do. I find myself just thinking I want to go to sleep and stay in dream land, because there I can semi control things. Where in the real world just seems to cold, lonely, and spinning out of control. I think that you have taken the first step to helping yourself realize you are not alone. And that is a huge step to take. My suggestion to you would be to sit down and list a least five things that you have always wanted to acheive and to try and move on at least one of them. Wheather it is going back to school, learning how to play an instrument, some kind of art you can include the kids in, getting a part time job online, whatever it maybe and run with it. If you and your husband are still close make sure that the time you do have together is something special, wheather it is a dinner for the two of you, playing some games with the kids, make a movie night at home with popcorn a warm blanket, going to a park together and having a picnic. Just make sure you remember that your role as a mother and wife is a grand job. You are more than likely the central part of their worlds, and that is what you choose to be. I am sure whatever you choose to do they will be supportive and willing to help in any way they can. I wish you best of luck and hope that this is helpful to you. Good lord willing you will find what you are looking for.

Elsa - posted on 02/14/2009

2

1

0

I completely understand how you feel.  I myself have also experienced the "clicky" moms thing.  It would be nice if we as moms could be a little more supportive of ech other.  Have you tried meetup.com??  I joined a local group of stay-at-home moms when my daughter was younger and it really helped make the trasition easier for me.  My daughter just loved all the activities and play dates and I enjoyed talked to other moms and making new friends.  If you ever need to vent, I'm willing  to listen.  Sometimes it's easier to talk about things with a total stranger.

Erin - posted on 02/14/2009

32

17

5

thank you everyone. It is so nice to hear I am not alone, even when I feel like it. It definetly helped me and even made me cry to relioze I am not as alone as I thought

Lynda - posted on 02/11/2009

58

12

9

Kristin where do you live?  I see your network is in Edmonton.  I live in Northeast Alberta.  Maybe we are close by???  Let me know or contact me privately thru facebook if you need to talk!

Karen - posted on 02/11/2009

29

35

3

Erin, I feel so bad for you.  Do you live in a rural area?  I live in the city so there are other stay-at-home-moms that I can get together with or at least communicate with on a regular basis.  I think you have made the right decision to stay at home and raise your kids, yourself, but I know you need that adult conversation!  I know I always did and still do.  I didn't read your profile but are your kids in school yet?  Once they go, you'll meet so many nice moms who are in the same boat.  When my first went to a 3 day, half day, preschool at age 4, I met so many other stay-at-home-moms.  I was shocked because often, I felt like I was the odd ball and every other mom worked.  I didn't care what anyone thought as I felt that this was right for our family.  Are the moms in the MOPS group just not your type of people to hang out with?  Do they not live in the same area?  I know sometimes you might feel like you don't fit in when they live in a more pricy section of town or act as though they're better?  I know virtual friends aren't the same, but know that we are all here for you!:)  I'd even be willing to give you my personal email address if you need to chat.  Hang in there, Erin. 



Love & Hugs,
Karen

Desiree - posted on 02/11/2009

23

30

0

I am a mom of 2 and my husband works out of state so.....I understand everything you are saying because it sounds like my life. I am in MOPS (second year) I like it but there are times thatI don't like it because they don't seem to understand.  But to know that you are not alone does help so if you ever want to chat let me know.

Jill - posted on 02/11/2009

6

22

1

Been there.  I was really depressed for a while.  Just the situations of many things going on at home.  My first daughter I worked full time.  Now I stay at home.  I love that I get to stay at home, however it is hard.  I actually have a few friends from church I have bonded with.  The one thing that got me out of my funk was to have some me time.  I would go out jogging at least 4 times a week.  Then for my birthday my husband gave me a gym memebership.  I go 6 times a week.  It gives me about an hour and a half of me time and I feel super after I get in a good workout.  It has put me in a better mood and taken me out of my depression funk.  Find some me time for you-I do recomend exercise-it is a real mood lifter.  Good luck!!

Lynda - posted on 02/10/2009

58

12

9

Hi Erin.  Wow, I know exactly how you feel.  When my kids were younger that's all I did was stay at home and looked after them.  We live in the country and the only time I took them outside was around the yard and such.  It was very isolating and just like your husband, my husband did NOT understand...he still doesn't.  This is what I did.  I found a playgroup that I could drop my oldest off for 2 hours.  Then my youngest and I would go shopping and when we did not have much money I would go to a mom and tots group.  Yes it was very clicky, but I found just sitting there and even tho sometimes I didn't say much it was just nice to get around other people.  I tend to read people and I found 1 mom there that I would gravitate to and we became friends.  The other ones weren't worth knowing.  We are still friends and it ended up that her kids are the same age as my kids.  We aren't very close, but it helped to talk to someone even if it was about the weather.  I couldn't get involved in a hobby or leave my kids with my husband because he worked out of town and I couldn't rely on anyone else to look after my kids.  Now that my oldest is in kindergarten and my youngest is in playschool I have more time to myself.  It's a struggle, I'm not going to lie to you, but you need to find something for yourself.  Whether it's finding another playgroup (I don't know what MOPS is) or just leaving your child with your husband, friend, family and going out by yourself even for a walk around the neighbourhood. 



Please don't let your sadness get too far and if you find you are having more bad days than good, go to your doctor and talk to him/her about it.  They will help. 



Good Luck!  Many of us have been and are where you are at,  We understand!!!

Kelli - posted on 02/10/2009

22

2

5

Erin,



I know how you are feeling. I work from home during the day while being home with my little man and 2 nights a week (4hrs) I work outside my home doing classes. I would love to share more with you. It's awesome! I have met a ton of people and I get me time. Also, it has given me a sence of pupose because I contribute to the house financially. This has blessed my family in so many ways. This could be a blessing to your life too, I would love to share with you what I do.  Take care Erin!



Kelli mother of Kaikoa 6months old

Jonellyn - posted on 02/10/2009

28

64

2

try a diffrent play group search for ones on www.meetup.com, i did and i love my group, I didnt care for my old one. Try and see if you work at a daycare where you cab bring your kids .

Nadine - posted on 02/10/2009

1

0

0

Thank you so much for saying what I have been feeling.  I have been picking fights withg my husband for no reason.  Here is my plan.  I haven't tried it yet because the weather has not been permitting, but as soon as Spring breaks (hopefully soon) I am heading for the park, programs at the library, and anyplace I can think of to meet more moms.  You might also want to check on-line meet-up sites.  They have specific groups based on ages and interests in my area.  Good luck and remember you're not alone there are a lot of us out there feeling the same way.

Narelle - posted on 02/10/2009

3

37

0

I know exactly how u feel Erin, I tend to feel a bit out of place in group situations too.  You perhaps need to invite some people over for one on one sessions, so that there is not the group "clique" to contend with.  Other than that I don't know - I myself seem to try so hard to make friends, but the effort never seems to be reciprocated.  I have a couple of close friends and I make sure that I nurture those friendships - as they say true friends are truly hard to find!  Good luck and hope my suggestions helps!!

[deleted account]

How old is your baby? I have a 21 month old and a 3 month old. I cry all the time. I feel like the worst mom on earth because I'm not happy all the time. Sometimes I think even my kids get sad because I am. I have never been good at making friends, so I've always kept pretty much to myself. I thought staying home would be the best ever, and it is, except for the lonliness. I took a yoga bonding class, which is basic, entry level yoga while you hold and focus on the baby. I cant hold a single pose, wait... I can't even get into a single pose, but after the class I felt SOOOO much better. Kinda like I cleared my mind. My body hurt a little 2 days later but not bad.  It just helped alot to get out of my funk.  I've never been a fan of exercise let alone yoga....But try it, it might help you feel better, and you might make a new friend. It also helped me to step out of my comfort zone. The more you do things the better you should feel. Oh and drop all your expectations for yourself til you feel better. It's bad enough to feel bad, don't make it worse with your own self beatings.  My husband also doesn't understand, and probably makes me feel worse, and I know that won't change. He will never know what it's really like.  I have also done the play group thing, my kids love it, and I see what you mean about the clicks, some people have to be clicky  and some don't. I just went out into the play area and played with my kids. After a awhile I was surrounded by the other moms who didn't feel like they fit in either. It was nice to talk to them and realize that EVERYONE feels very alone at times. That is probably why they gave it a name...Post Partum Baby Blues...not depression.... I think it is part of the transition to becoming the best mom ever....or so I tell myself. I can babble on and on, but really it comes down to you. Take care of yourself and the rest should follow, try yoga it worked for me when I thought I would need to be locked up.. Good Luck.

Jennifer - posted on 02/10/2009

8

12

1

I totally know how you feel. My best friend moved away just after my second son was born and my husband is in the Army. I totally felt isolated even though I was surrounded by other people that I liked and was completely busy. I started training for a triathlon thinking the exercise would help, but it didn't. So, I saw a counselor who prescribed a mild anti-depressant and asked me to do talk therapy for about 8 weeks. Turns out it was the best thing I ever did. I'm healthy, I'm happy and I feel like my perspective was completely skewed because my brain chemistry was screwed up. I was lonely because I was making myself lonely. I'm not planning on being on medication for more than a year total, but I would talk to your doctor about it and see what he/she says. It can only help.

[deleted account]

I really feel for you! I moved across the country from all my friends and family (to Los Angeles where it's the land of singledom) and it's just me and the hubby and it gets so lonely at times. I am preggy and due in March and when she's born I'm going to take the couple friends I have and try to do things with them and make more friends while doing stuff. You need some quality girl time honey!! And of course, doing things with another mom during the day who you totally get along with and share commonalities will help to. It's hard to feel like you're being "interviewed" for prospective new friend positions when you are feeling sad or even just kindof blah, but not quite sad. But just one friend could lead to two...and two friends could lead to more invitations to socialize than you even need!! You can do it!! I have faith in your finding just one person who really is easy to spend time with and tell her (or him for that matter! There are lots of stay-at-home daddies) you get lonely and doing things with her helps. You can find one mommy friend for day-time and one girlfriend for girls' night/ grown-up social hours!! And reach out to all the sweet ladies who have offered to chat it up with you on here! Get numbers! call each other!

Maureen - posted on 02/08/2009

140

8

39

SAHM is great but can be lonely. If this is your first year of MOPS keep going. I didn't start fitting in until my second year. Whenever they were looking for more help I volunteered. I find it easier to get to know people in a more one on one setting and not a the big meeting. My MOPS group has over 60 moms in it so it was difficult to connect with other moms at first. Talk with your husband to watch the kids one night and week and take the time just for you. I have a weekly Mary Kay meeting that I love to go to just to get away from being just a mom. If you want to talk let me know.

Lisa - posted on 02/08/2009

4

19

0

I know how you feel. I was going through the very same thing. It's really tough this time of year, when you can't get out to the park, or for walks. I live in the country so the neighbors are few and far between. I am normally a very positive person, but last year I had it. I finally broke down and told my husband that I am seriously getting depressed. Like need to see the doctor depressed. I told him that he really needed to just listen to what I was saying. That I needed something outside of the house to do. I found a hobby, and I get away when I can with that. Just him finally understanding that I was going insane, helped alot!

Rebecca - posted on 02/08/2009

36

13

6

Hi Erin, I have to tell you, reading this just so made my heart hurt for you! For me, it's a matter of getting actual alone/me time. It doesn't have to be a looong period of time, but just something otherwise I totally feel myself going over my edge. If I happen to get out with 'the girls,' great, but it sounds like you really do just need some you time. Probably your husband won't ever fully understand, but maybe see if he can't watch your kiddos while you go out for a bit-date night also a good thing. ( = Good luck to you-as with the other gals, if you need to talk, feel free to add me, I'm a good listener. ~Becca

[deleted account]

hi erin this is tracey i am 24 years old and i have a 3 year old daughter i fell the same as you i take my daughter to the parks ect but in all honesty my husband helps when he is not working but thats not enough for me either i dont have any friends i am a south african who moved here to new zealand in july 2008 i have my sister here and sister in law but its not the same i need a friend and really i think you could do with one too so what do u say? maybe we can start chatting online when ever you can and i also have windows live which would be great if you have it too coz then we can see eachother,i get very depressed sometimes that i cry for days so dont worry men never understand you need a good friend who will listen in fact so do i so if you are intrested let me know

take care remember you are a mother thats the most important gift god could have ever given us women think possitive and you will be able to pull yourself up soon

take care

from tracey williamson

Robin - posted on 02/08/2009

8

4

0

I can totally understand what you are going through.  I just moved to TX from NJ and moved away from my family and friends.  I feel lonely alot.  I do nothing but hang out with my kids. I just wanted you to know you arent the only one. Im here if you want to talk.

Theresa - posted on 02/08/2009

31

16

0

I totally understand. I feel the same way at times. We moved from WV to IL just over a year ago and it was very hard not know anyone and family being so far away. Hubby works 12-14 hours almost every day except Saturday. This year I have been going to a Mom and Me play group once a week and also going to a bible study a couple of the moms started at church - now there are 11 of us going once a week. Not great advice I'm sorry to say, but if you'd like to chat get in touch. You are definitely not alone in your feelings. Hugs!

Sara - posted on 02/08/2009

9

11

0

I totally understand.   I live about 25 miles outside the city, so even my friends who do stay home are far away.  I am lonely too, especially durning the winter when we can't get out and go to the park or petting zoo.  I believe the key is to find 1,2 or even 3 really good girlfriends who are SAHM's to hang with even if you can only get together once a month, it helps.

[deleted account]

I've been there.
Have you made any friends in your MOPs or church that are SAHMs you could hang out with when you start feeling lonely...Someone you could call during the day to talk to about how you feel? Going to MOPs was a start for me, but it wasn't till I put myself out there and made some "Mom Friends" that I started to feel better.
Also, you husband dosen't have to necessarily have to understand what you are feeling. He isn't going through it. I have only met one man that understood and that is because he was a SAHD for several months while his wife went to work. Try to explain to him that sometimes you just need him to listen to how you feel.
Try to take advantage of your time with your hubby by getting away for a date or a romantic weekend without the kids. Trust me I know it is hard to do, but if you ask friends for help, you can make it happen. Maybe as an incentive for a mom watching your kids, offer to watch her's in return.

Katie - posted on 02/08/2009

12

23

0

i know how u feel hun, my hubbyis in the army and is away alot i live in germany away from my friends and family and its so hard, i go to a mum and tots group to try and get chatting with other women but like u they all have they're own little clicks. i was still going untill i put my little one in nursery once a week, i now go to the gym and have time to myself just for its great and it makes me feel better, i dont really have any advice bu i thiught id reply to let you know you are not aloan and feel free to add me so if u need a chat then im always happy to chat to you! keep your chin up! xxx

Starr - posted on 02/08/2009

14

12

3

I feel the same a lot. my hubby doesn't get it and everyone tells me how lucky I am. I get out but usually it's just me and the kids I moved to a new neighborhood and the ladies are clicky it feels like high school. I know how you feel and don't have much advice to help but if you need someone to chat with I can talk.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms