Losing my mind and patience!!!

Brandy - posted on 06/14/2010 ( 24 moms have responded )

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I stay at home and losing my mind and patience. My husband is gone a lot and doesn't understand that I need a break. He sees me needing to get away as a slap in the face cause he is gone and working hard so I can be home. Which I am glad I can be home but I never get a break. Now we have been doing a lot of fighting because of this. I tried to explain that I don't need to be gone for days just a couple of hours. But he is a man and DOESN'T get it. My son is 15 months and has started crying ALL the time I have tried to ignore it, leave the room, etc. But today I am at my wits end. Does anyone have things that they do to stay calm and collected. Thanks for the help. Brandy

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Wendy - posted on 09/19/2013

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I feel like I am losing my mind too! I have a 5 year old ( who doesn't like to listen), and 2 year old (who loves to scream). By the end of the day I am so over it! I have been a SAHM for over 5 years now and I don't know how much longer I can do it. Lately I have really been thinking about going back to work to just to get away from all the stress at home. But, I would feel like a failed as a mom if I did so. What should I do?

Kristina - posted on 06/17/2010

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I can relate to you. My husband works all day and I am home with our daughter everyday all day other than when I am at school. That's my break. I know it's not easy but just think of it this way, you are the one that's there with your son all day, he will grow up remembering that and will love you even more for that. Not saying that he won't love his father but your his mom and you take care of him day in and day out. Being a parent is not easy. The only thing I can honestly tell you to do is try to pray about it (if that's something that you are into) I know it gets me through. Good luck to you!

Ashley - posted on 06/16/2010

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I get out of the house. With my son of course, but somehow getting out and doing something helps. Of course he doesn't understand - men never do. But if I was you, I'd do 2 things - first, try to get some kind of play groups or a friend that you can meet up with so you have someone to do stuff with. Second, go to the park, the mall, anywhere besides at home so you can get out of the house when you feel like this. It really helps me. Being out in the sun seems to be better for me, but some days anything helps. And a change of pace helps the little guy too.

And the suggestion about the daycare is a great suggestion - I did that for a while at just about 14 months. Just one day a week. And trust me, I didn't clean or cook on that day - I did only stuff for me - so if you can tweek your budget enough to afford it, do it.

Leah-Mary - posted on 06/18/2010

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hi there, sweetheart, I feel you. I'm a single of a 10 month old boy and sometimes, I've completely forgotten who I am. I have no help, at all. No breaks. I sing a lot. My song of choice that seems to help me for a minute> James Taylor, fire and rain. The verse: Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way..

For some reason, this helps, yes, I usually cry when singing it, but I feel comforted.
Sing dear girl. sing loud! Release your stress and your little one will find it entertaining!

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Candie - posted on 06/18/2010

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i've discovered that if you just start laughing that it brings a smile to your face and also if you kinda sing all your words to your child when they are crying mine usually listen a lot better and the crying stops....it sounds really bad but if i need mommy time i will feed everyone and put them down for a nap and tell my husband on a saturday afternoon that i have a lunch with the girls mommys only....kid free and we usually just go to subway for two hours and i usually get home right after the kids wake up and i always prepare snack before i leave so all my husband has to do is get it out of the fridge...yeah it's not really a break but i still get time to think and have fun with the girls and if my girls can't go with me on a sat...ill take a sandwich to the park with a book and read while the kids are takin a nap

Debbie - posted on 06/18/2010

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Brandy,

What you are feeling is entirly natural. Everyone needs time for themsleves. I have found that physical exercise is a great way to chanal frustrations, try going for a walk or to a near by park. You might try writing in a journal while you little one colors or plays. Try asking a close family member or friend to watch your son while you go for a walk or take a cat nap. If you have freinds with childern try arranging a play date so that the little ones can socialize and the grown ups can too. If none of that is available then try a little bit of imagining, you can go anywhere and do anything, sometimes the best escape is right in your head. Hopefully this has helped you. If you need anymore hlep just send me a message. I will always do what I can.

Good luck,
Debbie

Danielle - posted on 06/17/2010

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so sorry you are having a tough time. I am a SAHM myself and I know it can get stressful. Especially if you're a strict stick to the schedule mom like me. THe same thing pretty much day in and day out can get mind numbing. My husband luckily understands this and gives me time to get out of the house by myself whenever I need it and he is home.
That being said, you should explain to your hubby how he has quiet bathroom breaks. lunch hours alone time in his office while he's at work. You don't have an office to escape to so you need to get out once in a while. Maybe he could go on a "family outing" to the mall or the park and you get to shop on your own for a while and he can push the kids in the strollers around the mall. Or you bring a book and sit quietly near the park while he watches the kids play. Tell him that the most important thing for the kids is to have a Mom that is well and is taking care of herself first. If you are tired and stressed and yelling at the kids in frustration all day, that is not benefiting the kids well being either . Hope your hubby comes around and realizes that motherhood is 24/7 and dad needs to give mom a helping hand.

Mikayl - posted on 06/17/2010

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Oh boy do I know how you feel. My Husband is Military and he was deployed for 9 months when our son was 3 months, and then deployed agian for 6 months when our son was 2 years. Even though it doesnt sound like long, it seemed like it was YEARS apon YEARS!!!! The first deployment wasnt horrible because I had all my family to help me out but the last deployment that he was on i was more than 14 hours away from my family, That seemed like the longest deployment EVER!!!!! Now since I have my Hubby home for a while I got a part time job!! I LOVE MY JOB!!!!! and the only reason I love it is because I know I'm working but I get to interact with other people than my hubby and our son. and I don't have to deal with my son. Getting the part time job was the best thing I have ever done for myself!!!!!!!!! If you need anything email me @ mikaylc@yahoo.com

Brandy - posted on 06/16/2010

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Thanks soo much for all replies. It makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one out there( I knew this already cause I am not the only mom in the world lol) but to be able to hear it makes it better. I will be trying all your suggestions and ideas. You are very much appreciated by me :)

Angel - posted on 06/15/2010

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Check for moms groups or playdates for little ones. I found some at the library. They usually have someone there to keep the little ones busy or the kids play together. That will give you a little time to mingle with other stay at home moms

Soleil - posted on 06/15/2010

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hang in there darlin', we all have these times. I put my oldest in a daycare on Fridays so that one day a week I could do what I needed, weather that be sleeping, or reading.... your husband gets an entire weekend, a weekend you still have to work through, so find a nice home daycare center, and give yourself that time. we all need it! Your husband gets to eat by himself, pee by himself... I mean, i really don't think they realize how much goes in to raising a kid, and how much of yourself you loose raising them. I promise, if you put him in a daycare, just that one day, you will feel so much better. Good luck!

Denikka - posted on 06/15/2010

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Try to explain it to hubby..but give it to him in terms he understands (guys can be kinda thick at times).
Explain to him that while he's at work, he gets a lunch break where he can just relax and not think about work. You do not.
He goes to work for x amount of hours and then gets to come home and not think about work until he goes back the next day. Every week he gets 2 days (usually..I don't know his particular work schedule) when he can relax and not think about work. You NEVER get that time to truly relax cause you're a mom and your *job* is always on your mind even if you're not actively doing it (like when bub's asleep).
You may not go out of the house to work and you might not get paid to do it, but being a mom is you JOB, just like going to work outside the home and bring home money is his JOB. He gets time off, and so should you.
Ask him to give you one hour a day, maybe right after he gets home, right before dinner or right after dinner. And possibly to give you one night (aka a couple hours, maybe 3 or 4) when he has a day off the next day to just go out with friends and do what you want.
Explain to him that you can't be the best mom you can be if you're always frazzled and never have a break.
And because you have a boy, I would really push how much he needs one on one time with his dad. It'll be good for the both of them.

On a side note:
I just thought I should mention. One of the reasons that some guys don't get all that physically involved in the raising of their children when the kids are really young (like under 5) is because they're scared. Scared they're going to do something wrong and scar their children for life, or that they're going to hurt their kids (like dropping them or something) or do some other silly thing that they think will have disastrous results. Mom's have instincts to rely on....dads generally don't. Maybe attempt to address those fears and get him involved in doing little every day things first (preparing a bath, getting food, etc).
Good luck :)

[deleted account]

I know how hard it is to get that break. sometimes a mini-break will just have to do. a cup of coffee on your front stop and just let your son cry.....15 minutes won't harm him, and you can collect your thoughts. or take a walk if you have to...don't underestimate the power of change of scenery. but I know this too can be so hard to even manage some days. just don't lose yourself. being home with kids all day you get so wrapped in their little world, and forget that you have needs too. so find something that you do enjoy and try and figure out a way to share it with your son if you can't find time alone to do it. you'd be surprised how eager they might be to get involved, or "mimic" play beside you. some men will just never get it.....you may just have to find a way on your own. sucks, but it's just the way they are.

Tabatha - posted on 06/15/2010

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is it nice outside? walks are always a good thing for you and your baby. but i am with you on the man being gone and im stuck at home with two kids. it sucks for sure. keep up. i know its hard but it is worth it once you see that smile.

[deleted account]

hi brandy I know what you mean. My son is 20 months and my daughter is 4 months, in the past week my daughter has cried every time I have left the room, meaning I can't even go to the toilet without getting shouted at by either of the children. My partner is a nursery assistant so is gone from 8:45 until 3pm he comes home for about 45 mins for lunch (the nursery is on the corner from our house!!) but I feel like he doesnt get what I do all day. We moved in December and i was 8months pregnant at the time so there is still alot that needs to be done around the house, our daughters room has been used as storage as she has been in with us so thats one room that needs to be sorted! so I'm doing alot whilst he is at work. When my partner comes back from work I let him take control of the kids, I take a bath with lots of bubbles that tends to clam me right down xx hope that helps at all xx btw sorry it was so long =| x

Janet - posted on 06/15/2010

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I am in the same situation as you. My children are energizer bunnies, my daughter is 4 yrs and my son 17 months. I don't have time for myself and I'm always stress. Why do man not understand that we also are tired! I also think about going back to work but no one will take care of my kids like me. I guess that you should leave your husband with the kids for a day so this way he can understand what u go through everyday.

Kellie - posted on 06/15/2010

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Laugh!!! I know the last thing you want to do when the baby is crying, the house is a wreck and the husband is being selfish is laugh, but I assure you it will help. Laughter releases certain endorphins in the brain which causes the body to relax and destress. There have been times when things have gotten stressful for me with my daughter and husband and right in the middle of the chaos I will start laughing. Our kids pick up on our emotions. Your baby is probably crying because you are sooo stressed out. When I laugh, my daughter starts to laugh. She can be in a full fledged fit, but when she hears me laughing she stops and wants to know what I am laughing about and pretty soon she starts laughing. If you can't think of something funny, find a funny picture, buy a joke book or get a CD of your favorite comedian and pop it in when you're feeling stressed.

Gina - posted on 06/15/2010

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When he gets home, tell him that you are going away for maybe 2 hrs so you can get a break. My daughter is 6 1/2 months and such a good baby but there are times when I need to get away too. I let my husband take over when he's home. I've found that a routine always helps 2. It took my husband a little time to get realize that I was starting to resent him and he finally said that maybe taking Cait to daycare maybe one day a week wasn't a bad idea at all. He now supports that idea 100%.

Talk to your hubby and tell him exactly how you fell and that you NEED a night to yourself. We as moms need to stick together.

Rachel - posted on 06/15/2010

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Eating chocolate always helps me!!! I think your son is crying a lot now because he can sense the tension between you and your husband and he doesn't like it and it may scare him. My son is 14 months and it never fails that whenever my husband and I have some sort of disagreement that escalates my son usually starts crying or gets really fussy. It's hard for men to understand when they are working all day and they think we are just playing at the house all day....they don't see what really goes on. A good excuse to get out of the house is grocery shopping. You can offer to have him come with you and bring your son or he can stay at home with your son while you go. Most men hate grocery shopping and would much rather stay home. Or clothes shopping....that one usually works for me.

Maura - posted on 06/15/2010

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Some men DO get it and give their wives time to themselves (I'll thank mine again tonight). You are working, too, when you are home and you deserve adult time and "me" time and your baby NEEDs you to have this. Without regeneration through time away, you are more frustrated and less patient. Insist on this time NOW. If you can't afford daycare/gym etc, take your bath next time your husband is home, go shopping and leave them alone, meet a friend for coffee for an hour or two. Just do it. Don't ask, announce. Don't fight about it, answer calmly every single time that you need to do whatever it is. He is obviously afraid/reluctant to do caretaking by himself. Being father is not the same thing as being a breadwinner and he needs to do both. Being a stay at home mother is a privelege AND a sacrafice, and you deserve praise and a break.

To calm down, play music. Don't ignore a crying child, it usually makes them cry on top of crying. Help him solve his problems.

Good luck.

Samantha - posted on 06/14/2010

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i have two boys 3 and 19 mnths and a puppy i get stressed a lot and my partner works a lot so it just me too men have it easy dont they ?! sometimes id rather go to work maybe go out together or have a nice soak in bath lock door and read a magazine that helps me my youngest is well moody at mo he is so hard just wish he was happy but he really teethin with back teeth all us mums get like this thats what makes it so tough but it easier after 2 and they start talkin and tell u whats wrong trust me and they dont call it terrible 2s for nothing been there done that now going thru it again !

Lindsay - posted on 06/14/2010

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hey brandy,

I understand you totally,i went through this with my husband,when i am stressed or angry,i either go into a quite room,lay down and listen to music,or i go for a walk with my daughter,and i find that helps,but the best sugestion i have for you is if you can,you should take yoga classes,or even do swimming with your son,the more your active the less time you have to feel angry and fustrated! I do wish you all the best,if you have anymore question's,feel free to holla at me,and i will try my best to help you:)

Thanks lindsay!!!!!

Annemaree - posted on 06/14/2010

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brandy its natural that u feel this way somtimes and tru right u need to have a break now and then have u got a close family friend u can trust to watch ur little one for a while while u go for a walk along the beach or do a little shopping or go to the movies.. if u dont get this time u will learn to resent ur husband and child belive me it can happen i have 2 days a week to myself to do the house cleaning and my own thing as my babies go to chilcare for 2 days . its great for them to interact with other kids and great fort me to have a break .. maybe when ur hubby gets hme and bubby is in bed organise a movie nite at ur girlfriends then ur hubby dosnt have to worry as bub is a sleep.. i wish u luck and hope u get a little time to ur self as it will make u and ur family happier its a little selfish of ur hubby to laugh it off if he was in ur shoes 24-7 he wouldnt cope .. i wish u luck with this

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