Jodi - posted on 02/03/2011 ( 39 moms have responded )
I really just need to vent, I'm really not looking for advice (although it's welcome)...I really just need to bitch it out right now and I'm hoping there are a few understanding ears among you ladies.
My twin girls were born 6 weeks early after 3 days of non-stop preterm labor and strict hospitalized bed rest. They were born via c-section (not emergency, but definately last minute) which was absolutely horrible...I wasn't 100% numb on my right side and they had to give me extra pain killers thrughout the surgery. I did not even get a glimpse of them until they were over 2 hours old and hooked up to every machine known to mankind, I also do not remember seeing them thanks to the drugs. I spent another 4 days in the hospital before I was discharged.
I'm a SAHM to a nearly 2 year old and it's been really hard asking people to watch her and figuring out who can watch her when and for how long and trying to find either rides or gas money to and from the hospital that's an hour away. I'm pumping breastmilk for my girls and it's not going well, I'm on Fenugreek, pumping every 2hours, although tonight and tomorrow I'm Power Pumping and I'm still only making not quite half of what I need for them.
I came home from the hospital to a house that is a complete mess. The laundry is piled 18 miles high and I don't what's clean or dirty. I had my daughter's clothes sorted by size (she JUST got into 2T clothes, and I was about to put away the 18 month when I went into labor) and now it's all mixed together again. The same with her old baby clothes, I had all of that sorted and ready to be put into airtight bags...it's all mixed together with all of my clothes and his clothes and my daughter's clothes. Dishes hadn't been done since I left and I'm not sure I could see the floor anymore. I've been home for 6 days and I have caught up on dishes and pick up and sweeping and cooking meals and taking care of our daughter and pumping and trying to get to the hospital. I have no help from my husband right now...or so it feels. (He did turn on the dishwasher today.) And forget about the laundry...
Only immediate family members are allowed to see our girls in the NICU, so we're allowing our parents to come visit them, but since I have 3 sisters and he has 2 brothers plus their SO's and kids, we're not allowing anyone else for now...it's just too many people and too many germs...and we don't get to see them often as is, without having to share them with other people. Everyone wants to see them, everyone wants to visit the day they come home or the next day...no one seems to get that *I* barely get to see my girls, much less hold them...and never hold them without a nurse or a doctor needing to come in and check vitals or draw blood or tell me I need to feed them, or change them or wrap them or just telling me what i need to do with my daughters and when I need to do it. I know they need a schedule at the hospital, but it would be nice to just pick up either of my girls and just hold them uninterrupted. The day we come home, I DO NOT want to share them with yet more people. People are saying things like. "Well we'de like to see them before they're a year old you know...", I know they're just joking, but it's really getting to me.
I try to talk to my mom, just to vent, but she feels like she has to fix everything. The first time I witnessed them drawing blood from one of my girls I started crying because it's hard to watch that, and to top it off, they were still on breathing machines so I couldn't pick her up to hold her. I called my mom just to have an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on so to speak. She immediately called my sister and my husband telling them I was having a "complete emotional breakdown" and could not be left alone. If I tell her I'm frustrated with my husband, she has to call him and bitch him out instead of just listening. I know she's trying to help, but it feels like she's enjoying the "drama" of my life right now and just trying to amp it up a bit.
My daughter spent the weeknights at my in-laws house while my husband watched her during the days (he works afternoons into the night). They let her stay up until 10 or 10:30 instead of sticking to her 7 pm bedtime, now I can't get her to sleep before 10 pm. No one put her cream on her ezema and now it's out of control. She has learned from somewhere that crying will get her way and potty training is down the drain.
So here I am, on the computer surrounded by toys, dinner dishes and floors that need to be swept and vaccuumed...but I also need to pump and havn't taken a shower today...I'm missing my girls and angry at everyone for some reason or another. I really don't think it's PPD, been there done that with my first...I really think I am just too freakin' stressed out and stretched too thin with nearly no support.
Sorry this was so long...but it does feel better to get it all out. Thanks to anyone to actually reads this novel!