Mother in law wants to control how to bring up my baby

Ola - posted on 08/15/2012

Hello all,

Please help. I have now reached a stage where I am sure I will not continue with this marriage. For emotional reasons and for the above reasons.

Every time, I come to announce this decision something happens with my health to keep me in hospital for few days and then out again. Then again same situation. It's been 3 times now that I reach the stage to speak with him and suddenly something happens.

do you think it is worth it if I speak with my mil now and tell her to back off ...etc, or is it just better to break the marriage and keep somehow "ok" links for visiting ...etc with his family?

I don't want my daughter to be isolated from her family after all especially that I'm here alone in the UK and don't have any of my family memebers here.

any comment/advice, please

Ola - posted on 07/23/2012

Hello all, thanks for all your responses. I feel more empowered now to know that I'm in the right. I need to ask you something though.
I now KNOW that I'm not going to continue with this marriage because I don't feel I can trust my husband to support me over the years and he doesn't ever see my point when I talk about how "us" should be a " separate unit" and tell you the truth it seems that he always is doing the opposite of what I ask him.
So, for example, when I asked him that there is no need to tell his mom about EVERY single item for the baby ( just because she sticks her nose in it and says" why, why do need that for,, my daughter bought 2 of this item and she can give you one!!!) he started making sure that he DOES tell her about EVERY thing that we buy. There are also other issues like our emotional life has really broken down for over 18 months now and he is totally against couple therapy

At the moment, she is starting to discipline my baby in front of me. This provokes me a lot but now I know that IF I say anything, he will just criticize me and not see my point again and he will support her emotionally in what she is doing and will see no wrong in this

I'm here in the UK on my own. All my family are in my home country and I moved here for him-for our marriage. I am afraid that if I get divorce now he will hassle my authority as the mom for the rest of my life and for the rest of my daughter's life and that they will always bring down my efforts in brining up my baby and call her "spoiled" ( they are already doing this with another daughter in law who got divorce from her son).

Any advice on how to break up and trying to keep ok terms and relationships with them? I don't want my daughter to grow up without her family especially that I'm legally stuck here and can't go back to my home country?

Any advice, please.

Erin - posted on 07/05/2012

My dad had that kind of problem I haven't spoken to him in over 8 years. Some people must be weed whacked out of our lives. You need to put your foot down firm and put it down now. If my husband were aiding her I'd be getting a divorce. This woman sounds like a crazed jealous looney bin, she's not good for those children. Consider a restraining order. I'm not kidding. Let her know you will no longer tolerate her berating and name calling your children , her son is a big boy now and doesn't need his mommy, and you will raise your children as you see fit and if she cannot stop harasisng or interfiering you will get a no contact order from her and the children. Don't let this go on any further. Not one more day. No one should have to put up with that from anyone else. This is NOT her family it is yours and mommas boy best grow up or he will lose his family.

Nicole - posted on 07/05/2012

It would be nice if you could tell her where to stick it. Easier said than done, I know. It sounds pretty obvious that your husband won't say anything to his mom so you'll have to do it. Be firm in telling her that while you appreciate her advice you want to raise your child your way. Then call her for advice on the little things. With any luck this will help her back off and give you less stress. Maybe she just wants to feel appreciated and that's why she comes across as so overbearing. Good luck with whatever happens.

Nicole - posted on 07/05/2012

It would be nice if you could tell her where to stick it. Easier said than done, I know. It sounds pretty obvious that your husband won't say anything to his mom so you'll have to do it. Be firm in telling her that while you appreciate her advice you want to raise your child your way. Then call her for advice on the little things. With any luck this will help her back off and give you less stress. Maybe she just wants to feel appreciated and that's why she comes across as so overbearing. Good luck with whatever happens.

Ola - posted on 07/04/2012

Thank you all for your comments, tell you the truth it's been pushing my nerves lately so much. I catch myself telling my daughter NO in a very strict voice for things that any 14 months old would be doing simply coz they don't understand anything now. But I'm now really afraid of her criticizing my mothering and accusing me of spoiling my wee baby.

I have spoken with my husband before many times, if anything happens again i will speak with him one more time and then this will be IT. I'm also tired of him acting as a boy not a man!

Stifler's - posted on 07/01/2012

Wow. This is him though, he isn't sticking up for your relationship or his wife. You're your own family unit now, tell him he should have married her if he wants to be like this.

Ana - posted on 07/01/2012

You mother in law is not your childs mother! She had a child and aparaently got mad when you "took him", (yeah right) totally forgetting that HE MARRIED YOU and left her butt..

You just have to put it down with her....when she comes at you with your not doing this right or why did you do this or that.. just tell her BECAUSE I WANTED TO, I'm raising her and this is what I want!

Your hubby is not going to help...like you want him too..you just got to get in there and let her know..she is going to get mad get read, but so what..she can't change the fact that you had the BABY and that she doesn't. Grandparents get love and respect when they give it...there are some pretty bad ones out there...your mother in law is telling you that she is the kind of person that is going to test your womanhood..

Chelly - posted on 06/21/2012

I agree with Michelle. Sounds like you and hubby need to set some boundaries and stick to them. If you make them together it will make it easier to deal with your mil as you are coming together in agreement.

If that doesn't work well... You don't have to answer the door when she comes over ;)

Tania - posted on 06/21/2012

Hello,

Sorry to hear you have to go through this! Your husband needs to take a middle ground and tell his mother to keep it shut! It's really non of her business what you both raise your child. Tell your husband you need him to back you up, not to against you. After all, he is married to you, not his mother. He can say to his mother, thanks for your input, but we are looking after everthing. He doesn't have to be rude, just firm. He needs to put his foot down. If he won't listen to you, tell him that you are at the end and that couselling maybe the only last alternative.

I wish you luck!
Tania

Michelle - posted on 06/21/2012

All I can say is WOW, your Husband is a Mommy's Boy and really needs to grow up and cut the apron strings if he is defending her.

My MIL was sad when I met her son as it meant he wasn't going to ever move back home (as in country) to live. My husband is Canadian and I'm Australian and we met down here while he was on a working visa for 4 years. She NEVER made me feel bad for "taking her son" though, she's just happy that he found that special someone. It also gives her a reason to come to Australia every few years.

I have never had to deal with a MIL living close to me so I really have no idea how to deal with it.

Matbe sit down with your husband calmly and discuss the way she is (not when she has done things to annoy you). Explain to your husband that he now has his own life with his own family and that his Mother needs to take a step back. He has chosen you to marry and his Mother needs to let him live his life.

Maybe even have a discussion with her saying that her son and yourself need to be able to bring upi ypur children the way parents should and that she should enjoy being a grandmother. Tell her she did a great job raising her son but now she gets the fun bit of spoiling the grandkids.

I don't know if any of this helps because, as I said, I haven't had to deal with it. My husband also doesn't have to deal with it since my Mother lives over an hour away and we're lucky of we see her every few months.