Motherhood..feel like i Lost myself & my relationship with my man

Michelle - posted on 08/04/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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So I have been a mom since 2010 and have been a stay at home girlfriend/mom since my pregnancy. I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed to be able to have the opportunity to stay at home with my son while my boyfriend goes to work. However for the last year I've been struggling with feeling alone. I feel like I'm the awkward person in my group of friends when I used to be the most outgoing,fun,spunky girl out of the group.before I as mom I use to bartend and waitress and my personality made me known. I'm a very humble person and I don't mean to sound conceited but I was the girl who knew everyone but like I said the last year has been extremely tough on my social life. My boyfriend had an awful job where he was on call all the time and didn't make any money whatsoever. So going out with friends or even him wasn't an option. In the last year are relationship has been fairly rocky and my friendships have slowly disappeared. My boyfriend now has a new job making much more money now and we now have the freedom to go out or for me to go out alone with friends.but i have found it so incredibly hard to relate to any of my fellow 25,26, 27 year old friends. I have always made it a point NOT to talk about my son because 1. It's my time out away and I adult time and 2. I hate when I'm in a conversation with someone and all they do is talk about there kid(s) so why would my friends like that if I did that myself. On Facebook a lot of my fb friends are moms and wife's but it seems like they didn't lose themselves like I did. I know some people can be fake about their life on Facebook and it may look better than what it is. But it really does seem that a lot of them really didn't lose themselves or their identity once they joined motherhood. I'm a pretty good judge of character and I know most of them are NOT faking it. I feel like I'm the only one going through this which makes it even worse. I feel even more alone. How did those other moms not lose themselves like me? What's the secret?  I believe I was in a little bit of a rut myself, depressed maybe? But I know i slowly began isolating myself from them because I felt like they could tell I wasn't as happy as the old me used to be. When i started drawing back I just didn't want to talk to anyone that suspected that something was going on with me because I didn't get it myself. I feel like my confidence is completely gone. I feel like I make things awkward when I'm with my friends. I just don't know what to talk about. My confidence has got me through so much from 18-22 but now I feel like its gone. I at times feel weak and I think they have picked up on some of that. But are friendships are now so distant noe that I think that they dont know how to approach me now. I know they would be there in a second if need be but I have a feeling that they think im sad and that's why i dont go out. I cant pretend to be happy when im not and i think thats why i dont go out. I talk to one or two friends mainly and that's it. I have no energy for making plans with other friends or calling or texting them. Being a stay at home mom and girlfriend is HARD work. And I must admit I think my boyfriend thinks its easier than working. But anyway  if I do go out, even if its just for dinner, by the time I get home I have no energy and I'm drained so another reason why I don't like to go out. But with my new boyfriends job we've been getting out once a week. Are relationship just isn't where it use to be. It doesnt feel like the 'in love, passion, can't wait to hold you, be with you' life like we once shared. We used to have this look to us and we had this in love look that my friends would point out.I truly do love him but I don't know how to get back to that happy in love honeymoon stage we used to be. It comes out randomly but it doesn't last . I'm hoping it's just a stage I know my boyfriends been worn out by are life the last 2 years. I can tell hes not the guy I used to know. I think life's just exhausted him to the point where he's going through the motions now. Eat, play with son, work, dont get nagged at, sleep, repeat. We barely have a sex life anymore when We used to be dying for each other in that way all day even in my pregnancy- just my 'depression' like mood has I think rubbed off on him so it's changed him too. Since the new job he's been working the grave night shift (12am-8am) 5 days a week and picks up doubles when he can. Which I admire so much because I know he's doing it for us and are family. He just said to me the other day I want to buy a nice house for u and are family. I know where his heart is its just getting him to show the passion that I'm having trouble with. But I'm understanding in the fact that he's tired. And since he's been back to work I've joined a gym and have realized and decided that if I want more than what life was given me so far then I have to be the one who makes changes. In myself and all around. I plan to go to counseling as soon as insurance Gets straightened out but in the mean time I need advice on pretty much how to become less awkward with friends and have a conversation with adults, how to start a conversation, how to avoid awkward dulls in a conversation & how to get back to the old me & how to get back to the honeymoon stage. I love my son and would never take back anything even what im going through now but I need to find myself again and I want my happily ever after with my boyfriend.

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Lindsay - posted on 08/07/2012

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I know exactly how you feel. I feel like i'm reading my own situation. I don't neccarily have any advice because i'm in the same boat but just know you're not alone. There are a lot of us moms out here lost just like you. Maybe you need to start finding new friends who share your new interests (your child), who you can hang out with on a regular basis, who might build up your confidence again. Try to find online groups that share the same interests or philosophy in parenting styles. Ask yourself, in your free time, what would you being doing or talking about with friends if you didn't have a child. What would the old you do? I know how hard it is to seperate being a mom from being an average adult, but it's good to take time for yourself. And don't feel guilty that all you have to talk about is your son, it just means you're a good mom. :) if you figure out any solutions on your situation, please post because i'm struggling as well.

Stifler's - posted on 08/07/2012

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I hate to say it but the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever. When you become parents it's a different lifestyle. You do drift away from friends and that because you can't go out whenever you want. You need to let go of wanting to get back to your old self because that's where I went wrong for the entire first year of my daughters life. Do things that interest you, make an effort to text friends or talk on Facebook even and take it easy the days you're going out at night, have a nap, do your nails, play with the baby, do the bare minimum housework.

Tina - posted on 08/04/2012

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I guess the only thing I can say is I have been in that awkward stage too. But it's hard to start a conversation when you haven't been out and done much away from the norm of taking care of a baby. I understand the depression and everything. Sometimes you just have to push yourself to get outside. Even just going for a walk. I put my kids in the double pram, pack a bag and go for a walk while i'm at it go get some things from the shops. It makes me feel a little better and I'm getting some exercise and I do it for to make myself feel good plus the kids just like to keep moving in the pram. Maybe try finding a hobby for yourself when you get the time. I plan on making jewellery and selling it on ebay and on a buy and sell site on facebook in my area. I also sell my second hand baby gear that I no longer need and other stuff that's just cluttering the house I don't want any more. I can use that money to buys things for myself and the kids.

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