Moving kids away from home guilt

Jennifer - posted on 08/15/2017 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Hello everyone, I am posting this in hopes to get an unbiased answer from people. Okay so I have 2 kids from a previous relationship (11 & 9) and I also have a 3 year old with my now fiancé. My kids & I have always lived in Kansas around my parents & their dad & friends, as well as extended family. My fiancé works in the wind industry & used to travel but after our 3 year old was born he got a permanent position in our home town! So all was well for the last 2.5 years. We had a home1/2 block from the boys school, they had friends that lived next door, were on great sports teams,they saw their dad every other day, grandparents etc. Well as fate would have it we got news that his contract in Kansas had been terminated unexpectedly after 2.5 years, which left us with a few options. Wait & see if the new company would hire him (which wasn't promised) or relocate to Colorado about 8 hours from our home town. We chose to relocate & have been here in Colorado about 8 weeks now. My kids miss their dad terribly & their friends. They started school here last week & my 11 year old was almost in tears dropping him off. He wants to be at home with his friends & everything he's ever known. My 9 year old misses home too but does not seem as sad as my oldest. Now the hard part comes in, I feel like I may have made a mistake in moving them here & constantly feel guilty about their sadness because it is "my fault". My fiancé is a great dad to our 3 year old & works hard to provide for us. But I don't feel like he really cares about my other boys. He can be very emotionally abusive & I often feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. Just last week he called my 9 year old a "jackass" for forgetting to shut off the tv. He can be very rude to me & often calls me a dumbass or "lazy" among numerous other things. We were going to a therapist in Kansas & I feel like we were making progress with some of his issues when all of a sudden this move happened. He seems to hold a lot of anger in & it comes out in rude remarks & emotional abuse. He does have his good qualities though & is not always like that. But I'm starting to feel like this is just who he is & it will never change, no matter how bad I want it to. He is just so negative about everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. I feel like he sucks all the positive energy out of the room constantly. I feel like I jumped the gun on this move & am starting to severely regret it. How could I have been so selfish to move my kids from their dad & everyone they love to live with someone who doesn't care that he is an asshole?! I feel stupid & have been extremely sad these last few weeks. A part of me feels like I need to go home & cut my losses but another part is telling me to suck it up. But I just can't live with myself seeing my kids so unhappy. Not going to lie, I am not happy either. I am not exactly thrilled about starting over by myself at 30 with 3 kids but the idea of living like this isn't very exciting either. Someone please give me a nudge in the right direction! I do love him & we've been but together 5 years now with a son but just don't know if I can put up with the emotional abuse anymore.

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Go back home...It doesn't sound like either you or your kids are happy so why stay there?...If you do get counciling maybe that will help and at the age your kids are they will settle in soon I suggest getting them involved in sports because the one thing I learned from moving everywhere (including Kansas City, Bel Aire, and Wellington Ks) is that when a new kid comes to school everyone wants to know who they are and what they are like and most kids who get involved in sports settled in fairly quickly. I never did sports and by time I got into a group where I could concider them as my friends we would move again. I was the new kid in school a lot. It took me a while to make friends, even longer in small towns like most Midwest towns are. Sports will help a lot.

Leslie - posted on 08/16/2017

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I'm sorry your kids are so unhappy and you are extremely sad. :'( My husband is a very harsh, direct person and I have struggled with it over the years. I had two boys before I married him and as they grew older they also had difficulties with him and it was very hard as a mother to see them struggle with someone I had brought into their life. :( I even hated him a few times but he also brought many good qualities and other positive things to our life like good morals, dependability, and security. My husband and I talked to our pastor and we saw a Christian counselor. Both provided good sound advice and helped us to get through a rocky time. You mentioned you and your fiancé had been seeing a counselor where you lived before and it was helping. Have you considered finding one where you're living now? It might be just what you need. :) Sometimes it just helps to talk. Have you discussed the feelings of loneliness and sadness that you're having with your fiancé and asked him to go to counseling with you again? Does he know that his behavior makes you feel like you have to walk on eggshells? If you are uncertain if you are in an abusive relationship you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and they can help you make that determination 100% confidentially. I agree you shouldn't have to feel this way with your partner. Your kids will adjust and make new friends. :) Are there any mom/kids groups in your new neighborhood? That would be a good start. I will be praying for you, your fiancé, and your family. You aren't stupid!! I'm glad you reached out.

Michelle - posted on 08/15/2017

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I agree with Dove, you shouldn't have moved the children away from their Dad. You need to put the children 1st. I guess if you didn't go with your Fiance then your youngest would have been away from his Dad.
It's a tough situation but reading what you wrote it sounds like you have pretty much decided to go back.
My ex was verbally abusive (not all the time) and it wears you down. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around your spouse. You should be able to express to him how you are feeling without worrying about his reaction.
I suggest you read what you have written from an outside perspective. What advice would you give this woman?

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Jessica - posted on 08/19/2017

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I understand dove is trying to be helpful but telling this poor broken mom she is selfish is not ok. All moms do what we think is best. There is no right answer here. However I do believe that it is extremely hard to change if you do not do it for yourself and it sounds like that is not likely. You and your children deserve to be emotionally safe and respected. Emotional abuse can and will change those children. Look into your heart, make a pros and cons list and follow your gut. In the end you can only do your best. Best of luck and prayers

Sue - posted on 08/18/2017

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So sorry to hear your older kids are so sad...but in time things can work out where you can get home often and get your kids involved in school activities or afterschool activities and when they start belonging they will feel better...and you will too. Start looking around for things you like to do and get involved in as well. That is great medicine. When are you to marry? Perhaps that commitment will help you two get things in perspective sooner. Do you go to church? We have found that church activities have helped us get through things..and there are people that will listen! I remember once someone told me don't move farther than 8-10 hours from home...and you are in that ring, so you can plan trips home and see everyone, and hopefully they will come and see you and help you feel comfortable too. prayers for all.

Jennifer - posted on 08/16/2017

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Yes I have been suggested starting therapy here & he says "it does nothing for me,you need it more than I do"....I've told him how sad I've been & hes seen it. I think he understands to a certain point but makes cold remarks like "what do you want me to do? Say some Romeo romantic crap to make you want to stay?"....he just isn't a very affectionate person. Hasnt gave me a hug & just said it's going to be ok! I just feel so isolated. The kids are constantly asking to go home, begging rather. He has been working late the past few nights & is so tired when he gets home he goes straight to bed. That's is definitely not helping me in my time of need. I feel hopeless at this point

Jennifer - posted on 08/15/2017

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I forgot to add that my ex & I have joint legal custody & I have residential. Their dad reluctantly agreed to letting them move but it has been hard on us all.

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