My 15th old daughter had sex and I'm so sad

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Ev - posted on 10/08/2016

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Julia--
It is good that your daughter felt comfortable enough to be able to tell you about this but at the same time if you give her the benefit of the doubt and let this slide by. She needs consequences for her actions for not telling you before hand.
1) She does not need to go back and stay over at this girl's home anymore since the parents can not seem to supervise them at all or well.
2) She needs to lose the privilege of going to stay over with anyone for a while.
3) She needs to earn back the trust she once had of yours.
4) She might need to lose the technology as well for a while.
5) What would you have done had she become pregnant?
6) If you just allow her to not think about this and have some consequences she will do it again.
7) You need to have a long chat about sex, emotions with that, and consequences of having sex. You also need to talk about drugs and how they affect the body especially in young teens. She needs to know it is not acceptable.

Ev - posted on 10/09/2016

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It can be overwhelming, Julia. But this day and age it is harder to keep tabs on the kids with the tech and so on. But basically the same things happened when I was a kid and we did not have the tech. I did not pull these things your daughter did because I knew that my father would have had a cow over it. I guess hat is the difference between parents now and parents then.

Lindsey - posted on 10/07/2016

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So great she has you to turn to. She felt comfortable enough to open up and tell you this. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend around 14-15 and even though now of course I wish I waited, there was no telling me back then. I could have never told me mother anything, never mind that I had sex, so that right there says how much she trusts you and knows it may have not been the right time or right person. Just by her telling you this I think it shows she is really thinking about it, and is a responsible young woman. I can understand why it hurts you but try not to worry and try to give her the benefit of the doubt in the future. I think she is thinking more about this and will be more careful not to jump right into anything. I don't know if I would try and keep her from friends or sleepovers, just because when I was a teenager I remember acting out or wanting to do something just because I was told not to. As for the boy and telling his parents.. is it her boyfriend? If it is, I would maybe hint at it to them, but if it's not her boyfriend I would maybe leave it be. Anyways I just wanted to say how great that was that she opened up to you, I wish I had a mother I could talk to about stuff when i was a teen!

Margaret - posted on 10/04/2016

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I am a mom of a 2 1/2 year old boy so I can't and won't say that I understand what you are going through. I am so sorry to hear that this has made you so sad and devasted for your daughter. I can say that I was your daughter's age when I decided to sleep with my boyfriend and give him my virginity. While I don't regret what I did and with whom I did it with, I do feel that I rushed into sex too fast and should have waited awhile before giving up something that I didn't realize at the time was so precious. I hope that you don't continue to blame yourself for this happening. She has told you that she is remorseful and for a 15 year old to be able to admit that and feel that way shows that you did raise her right! I know this may sound cleche, but kids do stupid impulsive things and don't think about the outcome of their actions. Sorry for rambling but I just had to say something because you should try not to feel so guilty and that your daughter will be OK because she has you!

Lina - posted on 10/03/2016

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Im sory to hear that snd i feel sad too but it happened please make a big deal of it by taking her to doctors to check her safety act and the outcome make her wory until the results come and try to understand why did she do it so early and make sure that she won't do it again until older age screaming doesnt help. But a firm action helps a lot good luck dear

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Julia - posted on 10/22/2016

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I just want to thank everybody in this site for your support, while I'm still dealing with the after math of my daughter choice we have grown closer and I'm trying to. E the mom she needs at this time. I have made all the changes she needs and also she is going to a paicologist to help her

Julia - posted on 10/09/2016

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Thank you for taking the time to leave this message Ev, I really appreciate it. My daughter decided to confess everything to me this passed Sunday. More that coming to me trough her own inniciative I believed it was the fact that we told her, we requested the last 2 months of all the conversations she has had on her phone and when we said that, she told us we need to talk, she said you are going to know everything and before you receive that I will tell you everything. The reason why I told her that was because Friday night she went to her friend for a sleepover, supposed to watch movies, my husband took her there. Later at night they sneaked out call some friends (boys) and they drove them both to another girls house who is also a close friend of both of them, mother was sleeping, they go in the house trough the back door, dropped everything there and decided to go with the boys to a park close to the school where they go, there was alcohol involved, the mother woke up to check on her daughter and see she is not there, she had a god on her daughters phone and she tracked her, they came back and the mother realized is not only her daughter and her friend that are staying in her house but my daughter and the other friend too and she just realized they had their things in her house. She brought each of the girls home and at that moment after I thanked God my daughter was safe I knew everything was going to change from now on. Saturday I took her phone which I killed the line, so she is not going to have a phone for a while, I took her make up, she loves her make up and this is worse than taking her phone, I cancelled her home coming event, she didn't go and I'm returning the dress, I called all the parents to get their stories so I knew if she was lying to me or not, she does not have any privileges right now. I also had a conversation about her motives that leaded her to have sex with this boy (it didn't happen this weekend, it happened a month ago and this boy was not in the group of boys were with them that night) also I talked about her friends and the marijuana used. We have had lots of talks about everything that happened). She is not going to any sleepovers (i never liked sleepovers, I tried to have them in my house and get the kids to come to my house) but now I know they didn't have so much supervision in the otter house so they preferred to go there. i called the other 2 moms and asked them to please make sure they don't contact my daughter and they think the same way. This is not going to be easy. I appreciate your help. I think it's very valuable that moms can't talk to other moms from their hearts and give their honest opinions, I sincerely tell you when I went into this website I did it out of desperation because I didn't know what to do i was overwhelmed. Thank you.

Ev - posted on 10/09/2016

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Thanks you two! I am just tired of parents thinking that just having a "talk' is enough to get through to kids instead of parenting them. They think their teens are "mature" enough to know what they need.

Ev - posted on 10/08/2016

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{Just by her telling you this I think it shows she is really thinking about it, and is a responsible young woman.}
-----I agree to this to a point. She may be rethinking her actions and so forth but that does not mean she is responsible yet. She did not get any consequences for her actions. She lied to her mother about what she was doing at first by not saying anything. I would not have allowed her to go back for over nights with that particular girl again. They would only be doing the same things again.

{ I can understand why it hurts you but try not to worry and try to give her the benefit of the doubt in the future.}
-----A mother should worry and in cases like this...you do not give the benfit of the doubt after things have happened! The child has had that already. It is beyond that now because she has lost her parents trust. Dad had a right to be livid.

{ I think she is thinking more about this and will be more careful not to jump right into anything. I don't know if I would try and keep her from friends or sleepovers, just because when I was a teenager I remember acting out or wanting to do something just because I was told not to.}
-----That girl she was having sleep overs with should not be where she goes anymore. If the girl's parents can not keep an eye on them like they should at this age then she should not go stay over. What makes you think the girls won't sneak about and do this again?

{As for the boy and telling his parents.. is it her boyfriend? If it is, I would maybe hint at it to them, but if it's not her boyfriend I would maybe leave it be.}
-----Not tell the boy's parents? Regardless of his being a friend or not or BF or not his folks need to know he is having sex with girls in his class. What happens if the girl was to become pregnant?


I disagree with most of your points because I have raised two to adulthood and a girl and boy at that. I am not sure that you understand that. Are you a mother of a teen Lindsey?

Julia - posted on 10/07/2016

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We told her we requested the phone reports and we were going to know everything she chat for the last 2 months so she said well if you are going to know everything then we need to talk, so it wasn't a voluntary decision. It's still good but she has lied so much it is going to take a while for me to trust her again, I'm trying to talk more with her and spend more time with her and I noticed she is coming more to me to talk about small stuff, I want to build a bond between both of us that makes her feel comfortable and safe with me and I'm trying not to be critical and judgemental, it's so hard, I seriously need to change and be less critical and I'm going to do it, it's not good to be critical, that doesn't help at all. Thank you all for your support. I was thinking about going to a psicologist with my daughter but here I have had so much help. Thank you!

Julia - posted on 10/04/2016

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Thank you Margaret, it means a lot to hear that. her father and I are divorced and I told him everything and he got so overwhelmed that he started blaming me. I don't believe in sleepovers and I always told my daughter if you want to bring your friends here you can but you will not go to anybody's house, with time she started telling me to please let her go to her friend, I talked to her parents, and she starting going there often and the girl also stayed in my house, well my daughter said she had sex in a park and before that they smoked marijuana, the boy, her girlfriend and her, she said that her girlfriend and her would go out to smoked often, she said it never happened in my house, I was always checking on them, specially if I had the other girl in my house, she confessed all this to me, which is a good thing, she said she wants to start again and leave that behind her, I don't know if I should talk to the boy's mom because he is also 15 and I think they need to know their child is having sex with girls from school. Also the first time my daughter tried marijuana was with this girl that she used to go for sleepovers. I know I take care of my daughter but if she is away I can't protect her and for that I feel I failed her, I trusted her, the parents were she was and her friend and at the end of the day is my daughter and I care about her more than anybody else.

Julia - posted on 10/03/2016

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Thank you Lina! I did make an appointment with my gyn and this will also be her third gardasil shot. I have had short conversations with her and made lots of questions and she said she deeply regrets it because she realized she cared about him but it wasn't love, he continues going out with other girls. It makes me so sad that she gave herself away in this way and so young. My heart is broken and I find myself crying everywhere , no sleep, I feel like it was my fault for letting have sleepovers in her 2 best friends houses, I know their parents and I never thought the girls were sneaking out. It's like a nightmare that I can't wake up from.

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