My 4 year old daughter is impossible with absolutely everything..

Mark - posted on 08/10/2017 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Hello everyone

I know this is mom's forum, But this dad is dealing with my beautiful 4 year old daughter (DD, dear daughter) who doesn't speak (besides key words.. Mamma, Dadda, NO!!, Go away !!..), refuses to use the toilet, throws tantrums pretty much anywhere..

This husband is also dealing with my beautiful stay at home wife (DW, dear wife) who cant take our DD's behavior anymore. She's in tears, phones me and explains that she cant deal with our DD anymore, she wants to go to work, just for the peace an quiet more than anything else..

DD has always been a headstrong, stubborn child, never been this naughty. But for the past few months her behavior has been getting worse.
Last week DD spat in DW face, when she didn't get her way. We don't know where she saw it or learned it, but we were shocked..

We have 2 handsome sons (both big brothers to DD.) who are doing very well, never have we dealt with sort of behavior.

Discipline is done by timeout in DD's bedroom, but doesn't last long, DD will shout the GO AWAY!!, and IM MAD YOU!! until DD notices we not responding then comes out and begins provoking an argument.. Next level would be spanking on the bottom, but we cant spank all the time, which doesn't work either.
DD cant go to school as long as she isn't potty trained, we cant reason with a child who refuses/cant speak. Yet DD will bring a diaper along when she has completed her business, instructing a "Change".

During a tantrum episode, simply walking away while DD is going at it laying on the ground, doesn't seem to bother her. Just today, DD wanted to play on school playground when DW fetched our younger son. DW took DD off the jungle gym, DD started kicking & screaming to the point where DW couldn't hold her anymore, DD then threw herself down on the ground and continued with her tantrum episode..

Please, any suggestions are most welcome.
DW is so embarrassed, that she doesn't want to go anywhere public with DD.

Thank you.

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[deleted account]

Maybe try a reward system or something that will encourage her to behave for the day same with potty training and learning new words. Maybe a jar and some colorful marbles or cotton balls she fills up the jar shw can have a treat. If she is fighting everything it is because she wants attention. Stay positive.

Blessedby4 - posted on 08/11/2017

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As a parent It can be so easy to become unhinged and act out in response to a child that is not behaving. There have been to many times when I became impatient, then myself overreacting. I read in Proverbs recently “a soft answer turns away anger. But a harsh word stirs up anger” When I spoke to my kids in an impatient, ungraceful manner, oftentimes I would get back that same attitude from them- and I too wondered where did they get such attitudes. Only after some time in prayer, I realized that it was I causing the difficulty by not being patient, and talking in harsh, caustic and in an abrasive manner. “A soft answer” has had a tremendous positive impact on my kids upbringing.
With my own, sometimes they did whatever it takes to get attention any kind of attention, so I learned that when my kids are talking I look them directly in the eye (even now as teenagers). So as to be sure nothing else has my attention- only them, I make direct eye contact. Have you tried that? When you are trying to calm your child or anytime you and your child are conversing, look her directly in the eyes.

Michelle - posted on 08/10/2017

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At 4 she should be ready for school. She should be toilet trained and talking in sentences. This should have picked picked up before now though.
In regards to the toilet training, you as parents need to take control. Don't put nappies/diapers on her. It sounds like you are letting her do what she wants instead of parenting her and encouraging her to actually grow up and start to be independent.

Mark - posted on 08/10/2017

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Thank you for your reply.

No never tested for autism, i honestly wouldn't have thought of checking that.
If i tell DD to fetch her shoes, she does that, or might reply "Where?", i respond, and off she goes returning with the shoes. If i point at something DD looks to where i'm pointing, she has a tea party with me, she runs around playing with her brothers. For all intensive purposes she behaves like any other child..

DD has used the toilet before on a number of occasions, voluntarily at first , i noticed as soon as the novelty of it wore off, she decided no more, and will fight tooth and nail to not do it anymore. The same can be said with brushing teeth, novelty a number of times, then no more...

Thank you again.

Michelle - posted on 08/10/2017

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By 4 a child should be saying more than a few words and should be toilet trained.
Have you have her tested for autism at all?
You need to get her help and finding a diagnosis is your first step. Then you and your wife can look for support groups.

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