My fiance doesn't seem to want to spend christmas with my family?

Micheala - posted on 08/15/2012 ( 11 moms have responded )

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Recently, me and my fiance have mentioned christmas, he said his mother was wanting some sort of christmas dinner as a family(meaning her family) he doesn't seem to like the idea of spending christmas with any family, mine or his, but yet he always manages to see his sister at least once every year without fail. He says he'd rather spend christmas with just me, him, our daughter(by the time she'll be 1) and our unborn child, (he's due 10 dec) but the thing is i did this last year and i love spending christmas with my family and his when he lets them and i don't like the idea of being lonely in a house when i am very close to family and i have been brought up with 'family christmas' every year of my life until last year and i dont want that to change, but although i know my partner doesn't seem to like my mum very much, he likes the rest of my close family and gets on with them, i also know that he doesn't generally like 'parties' of any kind. This year and last, he came up with the excuse of 'you'll be tired from having a new baby' my daughter was born in late october and charlie(unborn child) will be due early december, so yes i can understand this a little, but as i said i love spending christmas with family....and no matter how tired/in pain i may be, even if its only for dinner, i would love to do so. Also he never really spent christmas with his family, either before he met me, that's what i got told. I would like to come up with some sort of compromise, but i really don't know where to start?! I'm starting to think he is very strange?

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[deleted account]

I know how you feel. My son was born on Dec 19th last year. I had only been out of the hospital 2 days prior to Christmas. So we opted out. It was so lonely and depressing. I actually cried (some of that was hormonal).

My daughter was born at the end of November and we went to Christmas at my brothers and my in laws. My family does Christmas eve while my husband's does Christmas day.

Why not be with family on one day (either Christmas Eve or Day) and at home the next.

For me, going out on Christmas day feels really weird. That was always the quiet easy day. So when my husband said that he wanted to visit family on Christmas, it was weird at first. It was something I had to get used to. Even now we get some years at home, since his aunt lives too far for us to go in one day.

Amy - posted on 08/15/2012

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I don't think your fiance is weird I would spend the day with just my husband, my kids and I if I could! It's very draining for me to have to entertain, and drive to my in-laws, when I'd rather just spend it with close immediate family.

Maybe instead of insisting that he comes to your families house you compromise and let him stay home, while you go over there for an hour or two to see your family. That way neither of you are doing anything that you don't want to do.

Michelle - posted on 08/15/2012

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Maybe bring up that 1 year you see family and the next year you have it on your own. Since you spent last Chirstmas on your own then this year it's family's turn.

I think you both need to come up with a compromise and try and think of something that will work for you both. Maybe bring up in a nice way that a marriage is a bit of give and take and that if you can sit down calmly together and work out a plan then it doesn't feel like one is getting what they want over the other.

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Nneka - posted on 08/29/2012

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He has a different culture to yours you may have to integrate him slowly start with one thing at a time maybe just go to dinner spend a little time with your family and leave but not the whole time you need to compromise remember you are accustomed to this he is not. Show him how joyous this could be.

Micheala - posted on 08/29/2012

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yes i was the same last year brittny g, i dont think he understands how important family is to me, i don't mind compromising, as long as i can see tham at some point, this year he keeps making the same excuse: ;won't you be too tired with charlie just being born?' as though he's saying it to think about me....but i know damn well he's just trying to avoid seeing my mum :(

Jill - posted on 08/15/2012

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You and he will have to come to an agreement about this. If he does not want to spend every Christmas with your family, you will need to compromise. He is not strange or unusual, he's just not the same as you.

My husband and I both prefer to spend Christmas day at home, with just our kids. We do see family, but it will be a week or two before or after actual Christmas day.

Sara - posted on 08/15/2012

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I agree with some of the others also. Do christmas day at home and do family dinners before or even after christmas. When we started to do that it took a lot of the christmas morning stress away, and the whole day goes better.my hubbies family always gets the sunday before and my family is usually the 26th. Makes scheduling everything so much easier.

[deleted account]

My husband isn't big on big family gatherings at Christmas either. My family live too far away so it's not a choice. However, I like visiting his family at Christmas (I'm used to a big family Christmas). He usually complains. In the end we compromise. We spend Christmas day at home with the kids. Then sometime between Christmas and New Years we go visit his family. They don't mind if the party isn't on Christmas day. So maybe you could see if you could get a compromise, some time as a little family and some time with the big family. Good luck.

Dove - posted on 08/15/2012

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Neither of you are wrong. It's just personal preference and a compromise needs to be reached. You could alternate each year... one year do the big family thing, the next just do your own. Or you can do Christmas morning at home and Christmas afternoon with the family. Or.... whatever else seems to work for all of you. Since you both have very different ideas of how to do Christmas you both need to give a little to come up with something that works for both of you or Christmas will be a big drama/debate/stress every year of your life together.

[deleted account]

I'm with you, I love seeing my family at Christmas, I love the parties, and the big meals, and all the decorations (which seem pointless if no one comes to see them). But I can see your man's point too--my husband is much the same. The compromise that we found is to do family stuff before Christmas and on Christmas Eve, then take Christmas Day for ourselves.


My side of the family has a big party the weekend before Christmas. We do it just like Christmas Day--huge feast, gifts, stories, Christmas poems, carols by the piano, etc. I love this because no one else is having a party or dinner that day, so we don't have to leave in the middle of a good time to make sure we get to the next house on time, there is no rush, and it just seems to make Christmas last a little longer--There is always a huge, 3 month build up to Christmas then it just ends with 2 days of rushing from one house to the next.

My husband's family does Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve. They eat at lunchtime, which I thought was weird, but I like it now because that means we are finished up and headed home just in time to look at all the pretty Christmas lights on the drive and have an intimate glass of wine and cookies before Santa comes. Also, J is tuckered out from playing with his cousins, so there is no endless waiting for him to fall asleep.

Christmas Day is ours. J opens his gifts, we open ours, and we cook a nice late brunch. In the afternoon, our parents are welcome to stop by and see what Santa left for J, but we don't leave the house, cook, or entertain--it's a lazy day. (J LOVES showing off his gifts, your kids might be too young for that to be fun yet, so compromise by asking him to do family stuff with you before Christmas and spend Christmas just the two of you).

Stifler's - posted on 08/15/2012

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No. I hate family christmas. It's annoying and a waste of my husbands only 10 days off in a row. I prefer christmas at home with our friends eating prawns and crab and drinking rather than juggling my parents house and damians mums house.

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