My husband doesn't spend much time with our daughter..

Jenni - posted on 08/24/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I don't know what it is, I've talked and talked and talked to him about it and all he does is get irritated and defensive. "Stop riding my case" or "Stop pressuring me into holding my daughter, you make me feel like crap" He works, 40-50 hours a week.. but it seems as soon as he started back to work, he lets me do everything.

I go to bed early and get up with her during the night so he can get a good nights rest, but it seems when he does get home, he's spending time with the neighbors, goes fishing, or plays video games while he props her bottle up and let her lie by herself.

He told me he doesn't have to have his head up her butt to bond with her. But she's only 2 1/2 months old! She's a baby! She needs that constant interaction. I don't know why he doesn't take the initiative to get me a bottle without me asking him to, or changing her or feeding her, or even playing with her without me asking to. What do I do?!

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Kylie - posted on 08/25/2010

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Has anyone ever thought that the men are afraid of hurting the li'l gems because they're so small and in their eyes, fragile??? I have 3 younger siblings. We're all grown up now and either have or are starting families of our own and to date, my father is not ashamed to admit that like his grandchildren, he did not hold his own children until a certain age because he was afraid of hurting us. However, he did help with the making of bottles and getting nappies and wipes. He just wouldn't interact with us because he was afraid he'd hurt us. I laugh now, but I also completely understand that IF this too is your husbands problem, a little slack is deserved but, he should still help with everything else...my fiance does and sometimes he starts work at 5am and we have an 8 year old, a 4 year old and a newborn!!!

Jacquie - posted on 08/24/2010

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I'm not sure what his age is, but when my oldest daughter was born,my hubby was only 21 and this sounds exactly like what he did. The only advice I can solidly offer you is this: Don't push the issue too forcefully, it will cause resentment between him and your daughter, Some men don't bond easily with babies- young dads especially have trouble with it. Just focus on your bond with her for now.

I am not making excuses for him, however, not to help out when you need him, but as far as their relationship, let it unfold naturally. Maybe when she gets more active he will get more into playing with her.

Now my hubby is 29 and he and my eight year old are buddies- they have common interests and activities, and I am happy that I backed off. Also he has bonded better with our second daughter, but that too happened slowly and more frequently as she got older.

However if your daughter gets older and he is still distant or shows less interest, then you can push the issue,

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Sarah - posted on 08/26/2010

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Ignore him for a while...it will get his attention :) It will work out...hang in there

Ruth - posted on 08/26/2010

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I had a hard time with all of my children at that age. PPD? Maybe. I even breastfed. I know it sounds awful, but before I had my own children I didn't really even care for kids. I now have 4 and love them all very much. I think that for the first few months it is all work with little reward from the child. They don't smile, coo or anything but need. My first child I did not feel a bond with until he was 5 months old. The next 3 it came quicker but my children who range from 12 yrs to 15 month old twins all know I love them. I never stopped caring for them and still did play with them because I knew that was what they needed. I was just detached. I would say that you have a lot of time for them to build a relationship, even though it is frusterating right now, I believe he will make a positive turn.

Angela - posted on 08/25/2010

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Thanks Dana :) We love his name too x

Yeah turns out I am a bit of a control freak ha ha ha so hubby always felt like his was doing it wrong so thought it was better not to do it at all ha ha

It definitely made a difference me not being there!

He now has "baby duty" from 6pm-7pm as well, so I can cook in peace and quiet.

I think Kylie is right too - part of it was thinking he would hurt him. My own Dad wouldn't even hold Cohen until he was 6 months old just in case :)

All the best xx

[deleted account]

That's great advice, Angela. "Ooops, honey - I have a meeting!".....hahaha!

P.S. I LOVE the name Cohen. Unique without being weird. AWESOME!

Angela - posted on 08/24/2010

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Hi Ladies :)



Don't think it's just an age thing with the men - my husband is 35 and for the first few months of my son's life he was "scared" of him ha ha ha ha !!

(My son is 8 months old now)



I thought he didn't want to be involved and got quite upset etc but he finally admitted he just didn't know what to do with him or how to do it and felt like he was "under a microscope" (hubby called it) when he was with Cohen because I would watch him and it would make him feel like crap.



I decided to force the issue - gently of course - and told my husband I had a meeting for work that the baby couldn't come too and he would have to look after him.

I left them alone (Cohen was 8 weeks old) for 2 hours.

When I came back I made a big deal about how well he had coped etc.

We made the "meeting" a weekly occurrence and now I can leave them for whole days.



I think for my husband - confidence to cope was his biggest issue - he still won't take him for walks in the buggy etc but they will get there just in case there is a nappy issue or he cries ha ha :)



I think it was a big deal for my husband to know that I trusted him with our son and that he could actually do it and the world didn't cave in on him !! ha ha ha :)



All the best xx

Jenni - posted on 08/24/2010

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No, Dana. I take everything with a grain of salt. I don't offend easy, lol :) I know you ladies meant the best, I most willing will take the criticism.

[deleted account]

Oh good. I was worried that our advice wouldn't be received well. Hang in there and know that it will change.

[deleted account]

LOVE Jacquie's advice.....she summed up my thoughts MUCH better than I did. As long as he's helping when you NEED the help, try not to worry about the fact that he doesn't INITIATE those things just yet. Try to be encouraging. I know it's tough and probably not what you want to hear but that's been my experience.

Keep us posted

[deleted account]

I totally understand your frustration because my hubby was the same way when Roxanne was younger but now, at almost 2 years, they're inseparable. I used to "get on his case" or "ride him" about spending more time with her and he wouldn't give me a straight answer as to what the problem was but he's recently admitted that she was "boring" and "he didn't know how to play with her" when she was younger but couldn't admit that because he would have sounded like a world class jerk. Hopefully things change in your situation....I don't know what advice to offer you in the present but time will tell....I think once she becomes more independent he might show more of an interest. Seeing my hubby with Roxanne now melts my heart and my only regret was getting mad and frustrated and telling him he "should" want to hold his daughter....I've since realized that everyone forms those bonds in their own way.

Good luck!

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