My husband has trouble giving me some ME time

Fanny - posted on 07/14/2013 ( 23 moms have responded )

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Hello, I am writing today to try to have some insight on my issue, I am a little confused and don't know if Iam asking to much or if I should keep my position. I am a stay at home mom to 3 children 2,6 and 9 years old. I also help our business from home about 1-2 hours a day computer, phone ect...I also take care of my grand mother who recently moved in with us. I have a big house a yard ect... I am very happy to be a stay at home mom, even thought once in a while I would like to do something for me . I get to go surfing 1x a week but Have to fight with my husaband to get those 2 hours of me time every week....its making me depressed and I always anticipate asking him. His excuse is usually that he is tired ( he does work long hours for our buisness), he usaually dose not do anything in the house or take care of the kids.. we then argue and he tels me Iam a spoiled b.. priviledged ....I want it all....I feel so depressed and misunderstood that most of the time i just give in or I leave and then he sulks for days.I dont spend money, i dont go out , Iam home at the service of everyone and I just dont know how to carve that time for myself without all the drama. My mother leaves also near but he dosent like when i bring the kids so i can go do something. Thank you for reading me adn any insight is welcome.

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Does he get time for himself? Does he ever join his colleagues for a drink after work, or play golf on the weekends, or watch the ball game undisturbed on Sunday, or crawl away to his office to play a video game for a couple of hours a week? Does he take an hour to enjoy lunch at work each day?
Most fathers have at least one outlet, but they often don't realize how much time they actually get until you point it out.

Try to make your time at the same time every week, and over time, he'll get used to it. Don't ask him to do anything around the house, chores can wait, but he really should spend time with the kids--if he is working all week, this is his only chance to bond with them.

A few days before you want to go surf, sit down with him (bring him a beer or his favorite drink) and say, "Look, you get two hours to yourself every week to __________. I work just as hard as you do--you know how difficult it is to be with the kids for two hours from when I've gone surfing in the past, now imagine that 24/7, and add the housework and caring for grandma. I LOVE being a sahm, but I just need a short break each week to recharge, same as you. Plus, the kids love you, they crave your attention, and this gives you two hours to bond with them, build a strong relationship with them." You can point out that he doesn't need to worry about the housework too if you want to. Might make him more open.

Miriam - posted on 07/21/2013

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First I understand all of it! I have 5 kids and am pregnant with our 6th. I am a stay home mom and run his business and my online business from home. We have no family to help. HERE IS HOW I FOUND MY ME TIME!!!! Quick note he sits at a kiosk all day playing on the computer and comes home does the same and expects to give orders and be waited on..... I found another mom and we go in the middle of the night.
Now he would never let me do that alone and your options are limited. (other mom has 3 kids) After we get our kids to sleep and hubbies happy (between 9:30 and 11) we usually go to a 24 restaurant and bring a laptop or project and then hang out at a 24 hour store like Walmart. We get to pick out our groceries and hit the clearance racks and buy the cleaners WE WANT and we have fun doing it. Ok now it is not much but 4 hours once a week gives us the time to vent and be kids ourselves. Yeah I wish we could go out during the day but he works 12 hours a day 6.5 days a week and when he gets home he wants that time to himself (sucks cause he dont know how hard my job is....... even if I tell him or show him) But 4 hours in the middle of the night is better then nothing.

Jen - posted on 07/29/2013

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Wow, you seriously got all that from my response? Is your reading comprehension lacking a bit? No way does she need to ask permission, and I didn't say that at all. Letting him know when she will be out ahead of time is showing him respect, something relationships are based on, as well as letting him start getting used to the idea since obviously he isn't so keen on it ATM.

Jen - posted on 07/26/2013

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I can give you a little perspective from the other side, I guess :) I work and my hubby is a SAHD, so I find myself agreeing with the working out of the house partner a lot more than before when the roles were reversed for me. It is harder to work outside the home than at home, period. You can pretty much do what you want within your own time frame, wear what you want, eat when you want, ect. Yes, I have kids so I know what it's like, but having kids is not like having a boss. Kids can't fire you. You DO need time to yourself, but why not schedule it so it's not a surprise when he gets home? If he knows that every Tuesday and Friday from from 5-11 you are going to be out, doing something, it makes it a lot easier on him to prepare. If he has time to think about how the evening is going to go with the kids and him, he has time to figure it out :) Think about it this way...you springing it on him that you are going out as soon as he comes home at night is just like him calling you and saying that he is staying at work late :) On days when you are both home you can split the work equally, but honestly, a lot of stuff can just wait - dishes can wait a day, so can laundry, so can cleaning the house. Just relax and enjoy each other's company!

Dalene - posted on 07/19/2013

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Why so many kids Hun? Did you both agree on having that many? He needs to get you a car for a start and you need to be more independent.

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Christa - posted on 08/04/2013

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In all that you do, you need some time to yourself and its not a selfish request at all. As moms we tend to loose ourselves and get depressed if we don't have a little me time once a week. I have one child and I need me time so do not feel you are asking for too much. Men tend to be selfish at times and do not even realize they are being so. Unfortunately if they have the mentality that this is your job not theirs, as most men do, then you have to be ginger as you request these moments to yourself. Men love to be praised, it may seem silly because they don't praise us for everything we do, but there need to be needed is stronger than it seems. Always tell him how happy you are to have those 2 hours of surf time to yourself, even as he's grumbling about it. Express to him that it energizes you for the next week ahead, it's your charge up time and mentally releases your stress as well as helps you connect with the person you used to be before you were mommy. Over time, if he finally gets it, he will grumble less and less, but rest assure, he will still grumble LOL. Eventually I would be asking for one full day to yourself at least every 2-3 months. With all that you do you need some girl time or you time, whatever decompresses you. It sounds like he needs a dose of just some of what you do, or he's never going to get it. My husband didn't give me the time I needed either when my daughter was a baby and eventually I got frustrated and just told him that he needed to watch our daughter for a half the day once a week so I could hang with my sister and do what girls do. Also so he could finally get why I was so whipped out. After that he finally understood and now he doesn't even complain if I let the house cleaning slip sometimes. Good luck

Rachel - posted on 08/02/2013

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Sorry, he's an ass.
You deserve some time to yourself. I'd be sitting him down and asking him how he would feel if he was with three kids 24/7, on top of everything else you do. I'm guessing he'd want a little time to himself as well.

Mona - posted on 08/02/2013

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I think as individuals we are all tired and all have a valid point when it comes to our own emotions etc think the best think you can do is find a daycare, baby sitter or program sports etc that occupy the children at around same time so that you and husband get few days a week of alone time together time shopping etc. your always going to be in a situation that your not going to always agree instead of dragging it out recognize we all have issues and try if you can to support both people's needs and not do blame game we work best in teams an with support

Fanny - posted on 07/28/2013

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We dont need a men to raise our children, most of us do the job by ourself anyway.But we want a man to help raiser our children at least in my case ... big diffrence .

ACura - posted on 07/28/2013

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My comments were originally based on Jen C. Then I saw all the other women that live their life thinking you need to have a man to raise your children. What a load of crap.

ACura - posted on 07/28/2013

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The was no option in was the comment section to say if that advice was ridiculous, dumb, outdated, or just stupid. Who, besides dumb ass abused wives have to ask anyone for permission to get out of the house for a while. Obviously your husband is mentally challenged. Just divorce the dumb ass and perhaps you will meet a real man vs the little bitchy coward you got impregnated by. I speak from experience. Change the locks and call the sheriff to send you ,2 deputies to ensure he will only get clothing and his diapers and not the babies.

Melynda - posted on 07/25/2013

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For u to be a good mommy u need time for ur self. Time to do something u enjoy without the kiddos. He needs to understand that without u on top of ur game u wont be as usefull. Its hard for anyone to understand who hasn't been a full time parent that we don't ever stop working. We r on 24/7. No breaks no vacation no paycheck. It is the toughest job I've ever had. Good luck to u. I hope it works out for u. Ox

Fanny - posted on 07/21/2013

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Thank you all for your insights and comments it has helped me have more confidence in my right to have me time and not feel guilty, I am also such a better person if I can vent regularly . I need to set a day in the week and call it my own. This past week I left and even thought he was a little bitter to see me leave, I think he starts to understand that we can work hard but we need both to have some me time to recharge find a better balance. He actually bought himself a bicycle to start getting in shape again, I am very supportive of him having time for himself. But I feel that men do not know how hard been a stay at home mom can be..

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 07/21/2013

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I know how you feel. My hubby was the same way. One day he came home and said " hunny, I really appreciate that you stay home with the kids and I know it's a tough job and you should start doing things for yourself more." I thought what the hell has gotten into him !? He said he was talking to a woman who had a 3 month old child And her maternity leave was almost over and she explained to my hubby that she could not wait to go back to work. She said staying home was so much harder then going to work everyday and she only had one child. She said she was miserable staying at home and it was so hard to constantly be on call and mentally exhausting caring for the baby all day. He said he realized how lucky he was that I enjoy being a mom and he realized how many sacrifices it took to stay home . I read somewhere that 72% of working moms actually use their job as an excuse to leave the kids and consider working as a relief from the kids. Tell him that statistic and maybe he will realize Just how much it takes to be a SAHM. I also saw that just the sheer fact that my hubby found a new respect for my job and didn't take me for granted made me feel so much better also and I actually get less frustrated and have less of a need for some " me" time now

Chrissy - posted on 07/19/2013

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Me time is very important. I am a stay at home to 3 kids as well. I get one evening a week (pre-established, every Tuesday) and I am gone for about 4 hours. I find that when he knows it is a certain day every week it is easier to handle. You have to do what works for you. Don't make him feel bad, just get the point across.

Dalene - posted on 07/19/2013

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Why so many kids Hun? Did you both agree on having that many? He needs to get you a car for a start and you need to be more independent.

Dalene - posted on 07/19/2013

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Why so many kids Hun? Did you both agree on having that many? He needs to get you a car for a start and you need to be more independent.

Sally - posted on 07/19/2013

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Very few men are capable of understanding what a SAHM does. First, get him to make a detailed schedule of how he spends his time all week, while you do the same and compare lists. Some husbands will get it when they see that you are actually doing much more "sitting at home" than they do at work. If that doesn't help, you need to play "work". On his next day off, disappear for 8-10 hours. Be completely unreachable or he will guilt you into coming home. When you get home, ask him why the house is filthy, the kids are bouncing off the walls, and dinner isn't ready. If he tries to defend himself, remind him that you're "spoiled and privileged" for doing all the things he didn't do.
Good luck

Christy - posted on 07/18/2013

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Don't let yourself get depressed over it. I am a mom of 2. And a stay at home mom well for most of the year I work when my kids are in school. You have to have ME time or you will end up depressed been there done that. Don't let him have the control. My husband isn't home much he works 120hour weeks but on his two days off one day is his day the next day is my day. On his second day off I still clean the house but he has to help cook dinner and if I want to leave and do what ever I can. Even if I just leave to go to WalMart for an hour it is time away. You need your space just as much as he does. He gets out of the house away from everything you don't.

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Your work is just as important as his work--he'd be doing A LOT more if you were working outside the home! Remind him that if you worked outside the home as well, he would have to come home and help with cooking and cleaning and childcare because there is no way you could do everything you do now AND work full time because, even though you are at home, you are still working.
Sitting in front of the computer to surf the internet or watching a game on Sunday is no different at all from you taking two hours to surf--the only difference is that he is home, but if he's not playing with the kids or helping you out, it doesn't matter whether he's there or not.

Fanny - posted on 07/15/2013

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Thank you for your comments.I like your approach very much I have done this befor and it has worked out sometime. He doesn't really have friends, he doesn't play sport, but when he is done from work he sits in front of his computer or waches tv for hours, for me this is down time. He doesn t spend quality time with the kids, if he has them they end up been on time out most of the time... on Sundays he is home and he watches games on TV and most of the time does not wan to do a thing.
The point for him I think is he thinks he works hard and that i should not have fun if he doesn't, he resents me taking time for myself. I have always encouraged him to take some time, go for a drink , go for a run anything. I really don't feel like my work counts and I should do more and more.

Lillian - posted on 07/15/2013

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Hello I know what u men I'm a full time saty at home mom with 8 kids and I never get out I don't drive so it makes it harder my husbend works and is in his 5 th year of bis business Law getting his master dagey and he is a football player so he is not rilly home much and it's always a fight when I want to go vist my mouther and go to the store I can't go anywhere with out him or its gust terns into a big argument it make me depress a lot

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