My husband just doesn't get it.

Ara - posted on 11/15/2009 ( 29 moms have responded )

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I'm a sahm and my husband just doesn't get it. I am so mad at him I can't even make myself have sex with him anymore! He gets so mad. He doesn't help out with housework at all, except for the dishes occasionally. and completely tunes our daughter, 16 mos, and I out and then wonders why I have no desire to be intimate. On the weekends, he just drinks beer by himself and listens to music on the computer with headphones. Does he think since I'm a sahm that I should be on for watching our daughter 24/7 with no break? When I mention I need to get out to get my haircut or something like that, he completely ignores me and runs meaningless errandsby himself. We're having another baby in a few months. I'm so worried it's just going to get worse. I think I'm about to go crazy!

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Deborah - posted on 11/17/2009

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listen - you must take care of yourself - even if your husband is home hire a babysitter and get yourself out of the house - it's not that he doesn't get it he chooses not to deal with it because he knows you will - so you should continue on being a good mom - but be good to yourself first everything else will fall into place and please don't waste your good energy on being angry - we age quicker

Christy - posted on 11/15/2009

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I know we're sometimes tempted to beat them over the head when they don't understand what we need. It works much better in a kill-em-with-kindness type approach. For example, "Honey, can you load the dishwasher so I can cook you some brownies for dessert? Sweetie, can you rock the baby to sleep while I finish dinner so we can have some time to ourselves? It would help me so much if you would vacuum while I finish up the laundry then we can watch the game/movie together and cuddle.
Guys need specific requests. Spell it out for him. They also need rewards. So make sure they see that helping out around the house has perks that come with it. Eventually they'll start doing it without us asking.

Angelica - posted on 11/17/2009

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no you need to take your kids with you or find a close family member that you trust (grandparents, aunts, uncles) just take some time and go see a movie, or go get ur haircut!!

Julie - posted on 11/17/2009

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I understand that we take on different roles in a marriage and that income is a major necessity but a paycheck doesn't raise a child a father does. It is a difficult balance but one that they have to rise up and meet. It seems to me that women are more willing to give up things for their husbands and children then men are. I think a marriage should consist of two people coming to the table, assessing what needs there are and working out a fair and equitable division of tasks.

Kymm - posted on 11/17/2009

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Well, my boyfriend isn't quite that bad, but when he gets home from work he sits on the computer till 1 or 2 in the morning and then is like "baby, I love you..." and UGGGG! Sorry buddy, but I've been up all day with our son (almost 3,) running errands, doing chores, "working" (I do digital scrapbooking kits) and who knows what else I have to do during the day and then he gets pissy with me when I turn him down. He takes it so personal too! :(



Then again, right now I'm on antibiotics for a sinus/ear infection and he just doesn't get that birth control is less effective on antibiotics! LOL No, I do not want any more kids right now!

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Kelly - posted on 11/17/2009

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Quoting April:

my biggest pet peeve with my husband is that he thinks his job is harder and that he should be the one to relax. he totally takes me for granted and doesn't think being a SAHM counts as a job. so...i wrote him a letter to be put under his pillow. i poured my heart out and mentioned things i needed help with. well he helped for like a week and then he was back to his old ways. i don't know if maybe writing a letter will work for you, you could try


I like to use letters for communication too.



 



I think it's helpful when we can acknowledge our Hubby's awesome hard work and providing, while helping them to see that our role is 24/7 and we also value their input as a dad and husband. I know being let down can be disappointing but I'm certain ongoing praise and gentle requests and encouragement can go a long way.



 



I'm sure you already know how valuable your role as a stay-at-home mummy is... Keep up the good work!



 



Also, it might help if you have other friends or family who may be interested in helping out or even hanging out with you and bubs.

Pam - posted on 11/17/2009

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You gotta have that "ME" time. Take the baby to a relative or trusted friend, but get some time for yourself. You DESERVE it.

Ara - posted on 11/17/2009

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Thanks for all of the encouragement. I'm not sure if I can get him tuned in or not. I've talked to him about it countless times. It's really frustrating and hard to believe that of all people, he doesn't think he should have to do anything like change diapers, get up in the middle of the night- ever. In 16 months, I'd be surprised if he changed 16 diapers.

I hate to say this, but I really think it was part of the way he was raised and he truly believes that any "free" time that isn't spent working, is his time. His father worked a lot more hours and was completely tuned out too. That's the craziest explination I can think of to why he acts the way he does, but I keep that to myself.

I have to say that I'm really greatful that he does work and we can afford for me to stay home. That is truely a blessing that I thank God for all the time. I'm not planning on leaving my husband or anything, but I just wish he'd wake up a day or so every month, and say with a smile, hey, I'll watch the kids, you go do something fun for a few hours. Hey, everyone has fantasies right. :)

Leanna - posted on 11/17/2009

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I believe that all guys do this so dont feel bad. but do not wait until you are soo stressed. you have to take care of yourself before taking care of kids and we all need a break. I needed a break and someone to understand besided family. so i started couseling... so that I could one get out and two have someone help with ideas to get him to help! some times it has to be so severe to stop doing laundry and dishes and stuff. i had to do it with my husband at one point. but now he helps!

Lisa - posted on 11/17/2009

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Also, if you can't get time for yourself by having him take your daughter on the weekends, have a family member or friend take your daughter for a couple of hours so you can still go out, spend some time for yourself, get your hair done, etc. and remember to make alone time for the two of you together.

Lisa - posted on 11/17/2009

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First I would say sex should never be used as a weapon. I agree with some of the other posts about killing him with kindness to get him to help and rewards. When he does want sex, tell him that you are just not in the mood and state your reasons without blaming him. Tell him you are tired and feeling like you are at the end of your strings and it's affecting your sex drive. I do agree that everyone needs time to themselves, whether they work or stay at home. I also feel that just because my husband walks in the door at the end of the day and I'm now off the clock, it just doesn't work that way. However, once both couples have put in their "time" for the day, duties should be split between kids and it shouldn't be strictly his responsibility or your responsibility to chase the kids just because he's home from work.
If you don't start talking to him know, it's not going to work. You are probably both frustrated. When he does get home at night, make it fun, yay, daddy's home, etc. Make sure dinner is eaten at the table, shut off the tv and have a conversation and let him know what you and your daughter did. He might be feeling just as frustrated as you are thinking you are home all day lazying on the couch. Plan activities that you can do as a family together for the weekends but don't force him to go. If he chooses not to go, when you and your daughter get him, talk about how much fun you had. Either eventually he'll come around or he won't. If he doesn't, then you will know that you've made the correct decision. But being stressed and fighting and mad isn't going to make the situation easier for any of you.
Best of luck!

Alicia - posted on 11/17/2009

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So sorry to hear this Ara. I too am a stay at home mom and find it hard to claim time for myself but I do and it's so important. Regarding your disengaged husband and father to your daughter that is just sad. It sounds like he's wrapped up in his own world and has no interest in enjoying time with his family. Time moves by so fast and before you know it your little girl will be going to school and if he doensn't wake up now he will miss so much important bonding time with her. I'm sorry to hear you are so alone. Tell your husband to get his head out of his ass and start playing a role in this family that he helped start. Just because you stay at home doesn't mean you are a slave to him you deserve to get out and enjoy alone time. He needs to be forced into it and I'm afraid it won't change with the second one so you much claim your time now. Good luck to you. I hope he has his light bulb moment soon.

Catherine - posted on 11/17/2009

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I'm sorry you are so close to wits end. Being a SAHM can be quite overwhelming, and I agree w/ the other posters, a second child brings that much more for you to have to do. You mentioned having conversation about it w/ him...did you have his eye contact? That is very important for men,(you can't be trying to talk to him while he's on the XBOX) also sometimes they hear better if you are talking to them during an activity, like going for a walk....for some strange reason that helps open their ears. Maybe you could ask him what he thinks he can help out w/ at home, and let him comitt to it, don't do it if he doesn't, gently/lovingly remind him he agreed to do that, and YES reward him w/ a nice complement or gesture ;) when he does follow thru...encourage him above all else. Nagging (not saying that you are) definetly falls on deaf ears. I don't envy your situation, you have a long road ahead of you, but start small w/ him and build on that slowly, before you know it he may offer to take the children on his own! I know my husband got much better at that as our 2 got older.....a lot of men don't know what to do w/ a baby. Write a schedule out of what he can expect from your toddler/baby right down to the diaper changes.....you had to learn the ins and outs right? So does he, just gonna take investing some time and effort. If you both buckle down and figure out how to work together, you will get thru this in one piece, which is the best way for a family to be! ;) I hope this helped, Best of Luck!!!

Ebony - posted on 11/17/2009

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It's going to be a little difficult with 2 kids and no help but I really feel that one day you know he is relaxed and it's at a time he can't run no errands, and discuss with him your worries

Stephanie - posted on 11/17/2009

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wow hun that is rough you really should have along talk with him that just isnt right

Chrissi - posted on 11/16/2009

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im a sahm also and can totally relate, i have 2 boys 10 years and 4 months, and he thinks im on duty 24/7! he says i have it easy cause he works and cares for us financially.i get sooo mad at him he couldnt do what i do for one hour!! i cant just leave the baby with him and go out, cause he gets angry and frustrated when he cries, so i always have the 4 month old with me,im lost and dont know what to do!!

Christy - posted on 11/16/2009

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Quoting Ara: I know what you are going though. I have 13 year that plays sports all year. I have a 10 year that also plays baseball and basketball. And a 4 year that started playing ball this smmer. He think he can cme and go with his friends, and all he has to do is work. This what I did. I could not even afford to do this but I did. I got mea babysitter once a week and I do what I want to do. If it just to stay home and watch tv. You have let him now that you are still a person. NOT JUST A WIFE AND MOTHER. Because the more kids you have the harder it gets.

My husband just doesn't get it.

I'm a sahm and my husband just doesn't get it. I am so mad at him I can't even make myself have sex with him anymore! He gets so mad. He doesn't help out with housework at all, except for the dishes occasionally. and completely tunes our daughter, 16 mos, and I out and then wonders why I have no desire to be intimate. On the weekends, he just drinks beer by himself and listens to music on the computer with headphones. Does he think since I'm a sahm that I should be on for watching our daughter 24/7 with no break? When I mention I need to get out to get my haircut or something like that, he completely ignores me and runs meaningless errandsby himself. We're having another baby in a few months. I'm so worried it's just going to get worse. I think I'm about to go crazy!


 

Margaret - posted on 11/16/2009

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hi ara, my ex was exactly the same wwith my first child(now 7) and i thought it would pass with me second as my kids were 10 1/2 months apart. i was so wrong it got alot worse and he was horrible we would argue about being intimate all the time, he was a lazy bum and had no goals in life. i called it off between us only 2 return 1month later we even moved towns 4 a fresh start i had the implanon in for 3 years wen i had it out i fell pregnant again with my 3rd( now 2 and 3mths). my life was hell i was raising 2 children on my own with a third on the way, he ended up leaving me 4 another women 2wks before i gave birth. i then took him back 4 my childens sake thnking it was best 4 them, a year later i left again and have never looked back! my 3 children r the happiest i have ever seen them my oldest now does really well in school. if i can pass on any knowledge 2 anyone going through a similar thing its 2 think of YOU at the end of the day and where u see yourself being in 10yrs from now:) i hope your partner does realize wat you do is not easy and change enough 2 stand by ur side and help.

Sarah - posted on 11/16/2009

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Thank goodness I found this post today I needed to hear that I am not alone as I feel. Well, it sure as heck wont get better with the second one! My hubby works from 7am until 6pm m-f and 7-1 on Sat. I guess he thinks that the hours he works and the paycheck he brings in are enough of a contribution to our family.
At the end of the day he comes in then it is off for his second shower of the day to 'wash off the day' -when there are days I haven't taken my first shower by almost six thirty in the evening. What makes it harder is that we travel together for his work and that makes it almost impossible for me to make and keep friends, take classes, put the kids into any kind of school or activity/sports programs. He is always telling me go take a class go do this or that, but it isn't like that is easy when he is never available to 'babysit' his own children. Not to mention finding a class etc. that offers late night or only on weekends. And after all that my hubby takes out his work frustration on me and nit picks at me all the time. Everything from how I repacked the camping supplies to what time he would prefer to have dinner to why the blue pillow cases are on the bed with the white sheet set nothing is good enough unless it is the same way his mother did it- which is pretty much impossible for me to accomplish as far as he is concerned.
I understand how you feel that you don't want to have sex with your hubby. I don't want to play sex kitten after all the other work that I do all day long while he sits in an office with hundreds of people to talk to and/or go to lunch with while I am home alone with the kids. Weekends he drinks all day and passes out soon after we put the kids to bed so even if I were in the mood I am sure as heck not willingly and joyfully going to bed with someone that stinks of tequila. If someone can find a way to make our men understand that being a sahm is a REAL JOB and appreciate us I would love to hear it, because so far this sucks!

Amy - posted on 11/16/2009

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It is going to get worse! I was in the same situation with my ex (we had 2 children), every time he would walk in the door I would have to walk out to make him stay with his kids so I can run to the store or whatever. If I didn't he would be leaving before I could even ask him to stay home for a few just so I can get stuff done! He complained about everything I did as a sahm! The only solution FOR ME was to leave him...I was doing everything alone anyway so what did I have him for? So I can cook clean and do more laundry! Get lost! I met a completely different kind of guy that I will not trade for anything now. He doesn't mind doing housework and never minds having the kids. The only thing I HAVE to do is cook (wouldn't want his cooking..lol) and dishes for some reason he won't do. Couldn't even tell you the last time I did laundry! Anyway if your still committed to your relationship then you do need to sit and have a serious talk about how you feel and that your not happy! Men like that need a specific goal. Tell him "I need You to ....." or that you need his help cuz men like to fix things. However don't expect perfection and under any circumstances don't tell him what he is doing wrong if he is trying! Good Luck hun!

Ara - posted on 11/16/2009

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I really appreciate all of your feed back and suggestions. It's good to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. Lastnight, I told him how I was about to go crazy if I didn't get a break and how I thought I wasn't asking a lot to have a few hours of free time a week, while her watched our daughter. He sat there quiet and acted like he didn't hear me. Men! :)

MARIE - posted on 11/16/2009

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Give him some options either he gets it or he gets out, he has responsonsability also to you and your child and unborn child you shouldn't be takin on everything yourself or tell him to get another job and hire a nanny

Brittney - posted on 11/16/2009

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wow...same here. I have no idea how to reach my man-child boyfriend either. he doesnt have a job, plays video games ALLL DAAY, and doesnt help with the parenting or housework. he thinks stay at home moms have it easy and demands that i do more than raise his child, clean the house, and cater to him. im at the end of my rope too...can someone smack him for me XD

April - posted on 11/15/2009

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my biggest pet peeve with my husband is that he thinks his job is harder and that he should be the one to relax. he totally takes me for granted and doesn't think being a SAHM counts as a job. so...i wrote him a letter to be put under his pillow. i poured my heart out and mentioned things i needed help with. well he helped for like a week and then he was back to his old ways. i don't know if maybe writing a letter will work for you, you could try

Sylvia - posted on 11/15/2009

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Im going through the same thing! I'm a sahm my hubby works out of town m-f I dont like to ask my family to watch my 2 kids so that I can get my hair done so I make my appts on Sat and it bothers him. One day he told me that I choose to stay home so that I should not complain! I need to give him some credit cuz he does watch them every now & them but give me the guilt trip. i have friends who they both work and they take turns watchng the kids, all i ask is for a few hrs every now and then, is that being selfish? theres times that i tell him i need to go to walgreens behind our house and he says lets all go! I get that he wants to spend time w/all of us since he's not home much but 2 hrs is not going to kill him. You are not alone!

Myra - posted on 11/15/2009

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My husband lost his job a few months back, and I put him to work recently. He gets the joy of housework and taking care of an 18mo old about 1/2 the time now. Hey, we have one due in Feb, he's not working...he can "do what I do", so I'm putting him to the test. Today, he finally broke! He realized it is EVERYDAY. OMG...the dishes need to be washed today, TOO! There's laundry today, TOO! There's vacuuming today, TOO! He's staying so busy with housework and yardwork, I'm not worried anymore about him not getting that it's hard work.

lol... My advice is to put him to work and just go out to do what you want to do. Let him know ("hey, babe, I got some money from your wallet--I'll be back later!") you're leaving, but don't in any way ask to go.

Nichole - posted on 11/15/2009

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It will only get worse with two kids. I have two kids now and my fiance is lazy. He says it's because he works 2 jobs. Well, he only works his full time 4 days a week, and his part time is 4 hours every night delivering newspapers. Oh yes, that is so hard. He sleeps til 3 then gets up and plays video games all day. I don't leave the baby with him bc he doesn't know how to take care of her, I just leave my almost 3 year old son with him because its easier. If I have to go anywhere while he is asleep I just take the kids with me, I don't even bother trying to wake him up bc I know its not going to happen. I do all the laundry, cleaning, cooking, take care of 2 kids and I go to school... I have to plan my homework and going to the college for tests around him or do it when the kids are asleep bc he sleeps all freakin day. If i waited for him all day then I'd never get anything done. I don't feel like being intimate with my fiance either, but I do it just so he will leave me alone. If i don't give him any then he acts like a 2 year old child and throws a little tantrum. I always tell people I have 3 kids instead of two, because I count him as one. I am his maid, his nanny, his sex slave, and his dry cleaner and somedays I just get tired of it and I don't do anything. Why not, when I need a break I just don't do anything bc I am the only one that ever does anything anyway so it will get done eventually... ugh men are a PIMA

Kathy - posted on 11/15/2009

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I'm all for open communication, but that takes 2 people. If he isn't willing to listen then you'd be fighting a losing battle. If you can set up to drop your daughter off with someone to visit for a while and that way you guys can have an open and honest chat without worry over her being in the middle of a conflict that would be the best scenario to have this discussion. I would suggest you have it before your next little bundle arrives. It will be hard but try your best to stay as "business-like" with it as possible, the more emotional you become the more he may tune you out or blame it on your "horomones" cause you are pregnant. Just list out your concerns and explain to him what you need him to help you with and have him do the same thing. There is an awesome book called Building an Affair-Proof marriage. I've never had any concern about my hubby cheating on me or anything like that, my mom gave me this book because it has a really great technique in there that is helpful for any relationship:) You each list the top 5 things you NEED from your spouse, then you sit down and discuss them, this way you see where each persons priorities lie and how to best help your partner or what they want from you in return. Almost always sex will be the #1 need on the man's list. Usually not the case for the woman, so it's a balancing act and the first step in that is finding out what you each need from each other. Best wishes with your pregnancy :)

The Reality Of Weight Loss.com - posted on 11/15/2009

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I had one like that. Don't wait for permission. Leave him with the kids and go get a pedicure. You have to teach him. The kids will be alright. Take the kids and go get dinner and don't cook, when he's hungry he can cook for himself. Quit doing his laundry and explain that you don't have time, that he will have to do his own. Why are you waiting for his permission to take care of yourself?

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