My kids are out of control...help?

Julie - posted on 08/17/2009 ( 32 moms have responded )

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I have two boys, Trey 7 and Evan is 2 1/2 and I have lost control over them. I know it's my fault because I didn't discipline the way I should have and now I am paying for it. Does anyone have any tips they can give me to help discipline my children? My oldest one likes to fall to the floor when I tell him no or he gets in trouble for something. It's like his whole world is ending everytime I tell him NO!! As for my youngest one he is just following what his older brother does. We are getting ready to move to another state where I won't have any family or friends to help with the kids, so I need to get busy and fix things now.



thanks in advance for all your help tips and advice!!!

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Crystal - posted on 08/18/2009

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i have the same problem and i am trying to concrante on one rule at a time like this week we are working on NOT TELLING MOM NO and every time they don't tell me know they get a check in my book-its just a sprial notebook that i carry around everywere, nothing expensive-and when they do tell me no they loose five checks and at the end of the week if they have 30 checks they get a dollar to go to the dollar tree or if i am broke that week-which i usually am- mabey icecream for desert or popcorn with a movie or just extra tv time

Donya - posted on 08/17/2009

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You have to get control of this situation now. It i only going to get harder as they get older. You have to let them through the fit and not give in. This can be very embarrassing in public but once he figures out that he can't have his way then things will get better. As a form of punishment for bad behavior, I have cleared out the rooms of all fun things and I do mean all. When I was taking care of my nephew (and he could get really out of hand) I would make him do exercises in the driveway. It let him furn off his energy and since they keep taking gym work out of alot of the schools it kept him in shape. The corner works wonders but the thing is YOU have to be able to deal w/ the stares and the noise that will arise. I mean these suggestions are better than spanking. That is a final resort, that I didn't have to come to often. They have to know that you are serious and that you are not a push over. But it is not all about punishments when he does something good give him a little something. It doesn't have to be major let him pick a movie and you watch with him or stickers or those tattooes that come in the candy machines. It doesn't take a whole lot to make little kids smile. You'll figure it out. Good luck

Jennifer - posted on 08/17/2009

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You might try making a picture chart that illustrates the house rules you want to put in place. Then give them stickers everytime you catch them following a rule or making a good choice. (Poker chips work well too) Then they can trade in their rewards for priviledges, such as tv time or a special story with mom etc.. . As far as trying to get stuff done around the house, try involving them in what your doing. Give them a dust rag and let them dust the things before you pack them or stack them up neatly or whatever applies to what your working with. These could be great oppotunities to teach counting and sorting or gentle handling of objects (again whatever applies) . Just remember always give them a positive replacement behavior for whatever negative behavior they have. For example "Johnny, let's not jump on the bed, let's put the pillow on the floor and jump on it instead". Always tell them what they can do, or else they will just keep imagining ways to drive you crazy because kids are great at that. ; )

[deleted account]

I also recommend To Train Up a Child by the Pearls. They have wonderful child training material and a free newsletter/magazine that comes every 2 months. You can find them at NoGreaterJoy.org. I think the keys are: that it's not too late, consistency on your part, and you are the parent not them.

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Melany - posted on 09/10/2010

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There are two people that I read that I really like their advice because it makes sense - Dr. Rosemond and Dr. Leman. 'Have a New Kid by Friday' is Dr. Leman's book and Dr. Rosemond has quite a few. They use old fashioned principals, but things you can do to change their attitudes. I do read them from time to time to remind me to keep it up. It is a constant if you have kids.

Lori - posted on 09/10/2010

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oh, and one more thing...be prepared for the tantrums to rear their ugly heads again but when the kids are teenagers! Much uglier, bigger and more expensive - but if you are brave now and do the hard stuff, they will be much less volatile and scary -- for everybody :)

Aimee - posted on 09/10/2010

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have you tried the naughty step? or try a reward chart and after so many stars then they get a treat? take away their fav toy?
x

Tessa - posted on 09/10/2010

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My daughter loves the If/Then chart we made. It's pretty simplistic - list on one side actions and on the other consequences. Always follow them. Kids thrive on predictability so try to always have the same consequence for an action. It also helped me to show her and read it off to her when she was in trouble so she knew what she was in trouble for and what to expect. And then after a while I could take her to it before hand or talk to her about it before things got out of line and it would help. We also did a Star Chart right above it for things we were working on - like eat all your dinner, clean your room, get yourself dressed in morn, etc. and she would get a star for each day she did those successfully, with a prize after so many days completed.

Just some ideas.

Also, my kid has a temper. I learned long ago to beware the "Spiral". If things are getting worse and worse as you try to regain control over an incident [refusal leading to yelling leading to tantrum leading to ...] that's what I call the spiral. Losing control this way is just as harmful to your authority and relationship. I suggest a hug. When we get into a spiral and she is freaking out I just stop trying to enforce the rules and hug and hold her till she calms down and then we talk about the situation, after which we do the If/Then chart, etc.

I also like giving choices. Kids like to feel like they have some choices. I often do the "Well, you can put the toy away or you can go stand in the corner. You pick. " Routine.

Hope that made sense.

Lori - posted on 09/10/2010

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Remind them that when they ask for something there is a 50/50 chance that they will hear "no" and to be prepared for that. It sounds like they are playing on your emotions and frustrations and how distracted you must be with the move. Set firm guidelines, talk to them (or the older one anyway since the little one just mimics what he does) and tell them you expect better behavior and without it, they lose privileges of tv, video games, whatever it is that they enjoy. Trust me when I tell you that I have been where you are and now she is a 20 year old ANGEL but there was a time .... ugh! Be CONSISTENT and STRONG -- it will be hard in the beginning but just like everything else, it will pay off if you can suck it up for this difficult part. Your boys don't like acting this way - it is just how they get what they want. Best of luck !

Kellean - posted on 04/13/2010

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123 magic is an awesome way to teach your children. It worked for my three from toddler to teenage years. As soon as I got to two they would come running. I only had to say three a few times and they either got time out or they wouldn't get to play on their computers for a day or two.
This method really works. It does take patience. In the end it is worth it. Just like parenting!

User - posted on 08/26/2009

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Hi Julie, We have so much in common, my boys are about the same age and they do the exact thing...we call it the melt down...! (mine will flop a round on the floor)

When I read your story I laughted because I thought my boys were the only kids that did that, like you said..my 3yr old follows in his brothers foot steps too...

What I have been trying is waitting until he has calmed down a bit...then talking to him about when mom say's No......It means No! then I explain why if neccesary to help him relize why I said no..(talk about ir when he is calm..!)

Don't forget to walk away when he starts the whine for the melt down (if possible) and remember this....When Mom say's No, I mean No....So don't ask again!

because like you said, the 3yr old see's him getting his way.. and is starting to try it also....Good Luck

Traci

Stacey - posted on 08/26/2009

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hi i have two boys similaur ages ryan 6 1/2 and kyle 2 and there nitemares so i can sympathis with u with my older son when he had tantrums i used to take him to his room and make him stay they until he calmed down and had time to think about his behaviour took a few days to see the benifits though!!! and with my younger son whos just a wee horror i have a naughty seat and its the best thing ive have ever done i give him a warning then if he doesnt behave he sits on the naughty seat and as before it took afew days to work but well worth it inthe end give it a try and stick with it even though the screaming and shoutin the first few days can be a nitemare its well worth it in the end hope this has been of help to u from one stressed out mother to another lol

Della - posted on 08/26/2009

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Well, I don't know if you are familiar with Super Nanny but I got a lot of my discipline ideas from the show and they really do work! I set up a "naughty chair" in the livingroom and whenever my two kids ages 8 and 5 misbehave, they have to sit in the chair for a minute for every year of their age. sounds easy right? not always, but you have to be persistent. they may get out, get up or try to act out more but you have to let them know that you mean it. Everytime they get up, go to them and sit them back down with firmness. Do not talk to them just keep putting them back. Once they finally sit there and do there time, go back to them and get down to their level and explain to them why they were there and have them apologize to you and give them a hug to let them know that you still love them no matter what. It could take a lot of time but if you remain persistent and let them know you are back in charge, they will come around. The keyword is PERSISTENCE! It won't happen overnight but it will happen. Best of luck.

[deleted account]

Yes, I too went through this! I have an 8 yr. old son and a 5 yr. old son, get the oldest tested for ADHD. I know some parents do not believe in this but my son, showed no significant signs, especially with learning, except not paying attention when it came it homework time. His teachers's totally disagreed with me, they said he was great at school. We had some reading issues, which caused a little concern. We had him tested and yes, positive and once we found the miracle drug life changed! For us it was not adderall like everyone else uses, that made him mean! After several, we found concerta, and the behaivor changed like magic! He stopped beating up his brother, and stopped argiung so much, listened, minded and it even allowed him to mature. He now protects his brother again, sets examples, and teaches him. Yes, they still fight, but life is in control! And I too, spoil my kids and I was not good at discipline! So, I too felt it was my fault! You really need to do some research, sometimes, the fits, the not minding, mine had outburst, are not controlled by the child but it's the ADHD. Again, I was so against drugging my child, but after all the research it paid off. He too, will tell you he is much happier. Good Luck.

Jo - posted on 08/24/2009

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I don't care if it's done in anger or calmly and rationally (though i don't see how you can rationally hit a child). Children should not be hit or spanked or whatever other word you want to apply to it. My father basically used this system on me. To this day our relationship is strained. An eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind. I've smacked my child ONCE for playing with a powerpoint. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "Not nice to hit, mummy." He's TWO and he knows it's wrong. Using the 123 Magic system I've taught him that powerpoints are NOT toys. It required absolutely no negative physical contact. When he's an adult i want him to look back at his childhood and say, "mum was fair." I don't want him looking back like i do and regarding me as someone bigger and stronger who used that as an advantage.

[deleted account]

Yikes! don't freak out. You never spank your kids in anger. If you are not calm, how do you expect them to be? And it should be done by the time they're 5. Sure, there's plenty of people that do it wrong - hence the book recommendation. If God himself recommends it, it's not a bad thing. "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."

Jo - posted on 08/24/2009

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Quoting Jenny:

I also recommend To Train Up a Child by the Pearls. They have wonderful child training material and a free newsletter/magazine that comes every 2 months. You can find them at NoGreaterJoy.org. I think the keys are: that it's not too late, consistency on your part, and you are the parent not them.



You really reccomend these people? Really? Great. Because i've always thought that whipper snipper cord is an excellent 'training' tool for younger children. And i've always wanted to go to the hardware store and buy my own colour of electrical cable so I've got my 'customised rod' for the older ones.



Children are not animals that need 'training.'  It's been proven that smacking is not necessary and that there are a LOT of better options out there.



I'm not going to say any more, because i know i'll say something i'll regret.

Deb - posted on 08/23/2009

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the magic 123 sounds great. In teaching we are taught that being able to prevent an unwanted behaviour works best eg. diversion,rewards for wanted behaviours, spending quality play time with their play rules builds a stronger relationship and bond. best of luck positive

Jo - posted on 08/20/2009

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The 123 Magic! program is awesome. My son is only two but he was getting really out of control. I took the course (you can just get the book too) and it's really working. It's hard for the first six weeks, but if you're really consistent it really is magic. It's awesome to have a kid that you can take anywhere and not feel embarrassed or harrassed. I just have to give him 'the look', hold up a finger and say "that's one!" People are amazed at how he just quits, lol

Kiri - posted on 08/20/2009

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I so know what you are saying! My eldest has ADHD and my two kids seem to be pretty out of control at times as well. Don't beat yourself up over the discipline issues,that only puts you on a guilt trip. I seperate my two and place both of them in time out. Either in their rooms or a seperate room in the house. Try and ignore the tantrums as not showing attention soon snaps them out of it. When you move try and get involed with playgroups etc as its great to get to know other mums especially when you dont have family around. Best of luck

[deleted account]

With as many replies as you got from your post, it is quite likely you're more confused now, than to begin with! It is not too late. Make your mind up as to what you are going to do to stop the unwanted behavior and then follow through. I have found teachers to be very helpful with suggestions. The key, as at least one replier noted, is consistency! -

Monica - posted on 08/18/2009

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In today's society everyone talks of a child's self esteem and how much you need to keep from hurting their feeling or you will ruin their lives. That is sooo untrue!!! In order to get your children to listen to you, you have to break their will. You have to make them see that it is your way or the highway. (hypothetically of course) Children are much smarter than adults give them credit. I have to simple pieces of advice for you. Number one, discipline with love. They go hand in hand. You cannot have one without the other. Number two, you must be consistent. You don't need a lot of rules you just have to inforce the rules you make. I have to say that being consistent is very hard. But with a lot of practice you will realize that you have to FORCE them to obey less and less. I know that you feel like your being a horrible person when you have to tell your child no or not give him his way. But you have to remember that one day these boys are going to be bigger than you, and if they have no fear of you now imagine what will happen then?

Donya - posted on 08/17/2009

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One of the things that I did with my nephew who was later diagnosed with anger issues is the reward system. Also work may be "undigested when he receives it" In this case he may learn differently and you have to walk him through the process. DO NOT DO THE THINGS FOR HIM. But walk him through step by step til he builds up his confidence. This takes time especially if he is in school and everybody else seems to be catching on quicker then him. I know it is hard at the time he was living with me I had one in highschool, middle school, elementary and two on my knee. I had to sit time with him (he was the only boy) and give him special time. You may just need to teach him differently. My nephew was quite smart he just couldn't get it as fast as everybody else so he would get upset and cause all sorts of trouble. Once me and the teacher figured out how he learned it was easier for him so i didn't get as many "auntie i can't do it". I hope this helps.

Joanna - posted on 08/17/2009

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The most brilliant child training book "Train up a child" by Michael and Debbi Pearl, you can get it on Amazon. I have always loved my children but I hit rock bottome when I realized I did not LIKE them and finding out it was my fault hurt the most but this book gave me all I needed to turn the situation around. I not only love my children now but I like them too!

Jeanell - posted on 08/17/2009

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Everyone is right - it is not too late! My best advise is to remember that "This Is Not A Democracy....It's A MOMARCHY". In my kingdom our motto is "We Earn, Not Ask". As soon as you show them that you are the boss, they will back down. I don't mean to say that this will be instantanious - it will seem like forever - but it will be worth it. Making their behavior and their actions their own responsibility is the only way to go. If they don't follow through on their responsibilities - there is no rewards. If they do - well then they have earned a privilege. Just remember that privileges are just that - privileges- NOT rights. these can and should be taken away when you feel that they have not earned them. You are the adult, they are the children, and they should be taught that!



Good Luck!

Kelly - posted on 08/17/2009

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I think you got great advice from all previous posters--just wanted to say its not too late, they are still young and you CAN get control of this! Making a change such as moving might even help, as you can explain to him, in our new house we are going to try to have better rules...etc. Just a thought. However, if he is unhappy about moving and fighting it, then that would just give him more reason to resent the move! Good luck, I know you can nip this behavior in the bud, now is the time!

Jennifer - posted on 08/17/2009

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Julie, he sounds a lot like my son who is also named Trey. My son ended up being diagnosed with early onset bi polar disorder. I hope this is not the case with your son but if there is any history of this in your family it might be worth checking into. If there is not history of this then hopefully a strong consistent plan over time will correct the issues. Let me know if I can be of anymore help. I have four special needs kids and I know what it feels like to be outnumbered. : )

Julie - posted on 08/17/2009

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Thank you all for your advice and tips. I have somethings I will take away from this. As for Trey he doesn't fall on th floor in public or just slouches in a chair just like of goes limp. Its all the time and I just want to figure out how to stop. I don't pay attention to him, it's just getting old and he has done this for years now. He isn't a talker and has some anger issues and I am trying to figure him out. He says I can't a lot and quits when things get hard. I just don't know what to do.



Thanks again!!!

Lauren - posted on 08/17/2009

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When your son falls to the floor jsut ignore it I have worked w/ kids forever and I have done that and It worked when they get in to trouble put them in the corner or on a chair and If they get up keep putting them back and if they get up tell them they will have longer time but try 7 minutes for Trey and try 2 minutes for Evan and keep doing that over and over again and It will work!!! Try a sticker chart or a chart saying If they behave they will get so many stickers and If they get like 100 they get to go to mcdonalds or for Ice cream or make a prize box with things they like in the box. I worked at a day care and I tried 50 stickers and If they got 50 stickers they got to pick candy and take it home w/ them. Hope things get better! GOOD LUCK! :)

Jean - posted on 08/17/2009

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I have five kids and expecting another. having a talk with them before we head out for an outting always helped for me. also with the 123 timeout. since my age groups are different now I tell them what thier little sister sees in them and thier actions could affect her. She cries when she sees her siblings play fight. its something we don;t do around her anymore. Other things that helped me raising them on my own was finding ways to include them in the clean up time. even making supper or deserts.

If supper isn;t finshed I don;t let them have deserts. its as simple as that. You just got to take control and show them that mommy is not taking this anymore. Be firm and also respect thier space. We can't mother them all the time. they too have to learn from thier mistakes. Don't quit jsut find other ways to be sure your oldest is paying attention. Awards are always the best for good behavior

Peggy - posted on 08/17/2009

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I use 1, 2,3 magic and it seems to have really helped. You can check the book out at your local library and read it instead of buying it. I have 3 boys and it really seems to have worked well.

Shakela - posted on 08/17/2009

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Well you know if you spare the rod.......but my first bit of advice is..As Far as Trey..in public ,you need to leave him on the floor and dont respond to his fallout, whenever you do, you give him control over you and he's like well im gonna do this and im going to get attention from mommy..WRONG..girl leave him on the floor walk away like you dont even see him, now when you are at home and he falls out you need to spank his bottom and let him know you get "this" for "that". As Far as Evan he thinks his brother his in control because of what he sees him doing to you, so why not follow who he thinks is the leader. Gain control by setting rules and consequences for breaking the rules you set and be consistent. Consistency is the Key with kids. They will quickly learn who is in control when your consistent. God Bless Julie, i hope this helps!!

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