need advice

[deleted account] ( 171 moms have responded )

this is kind of a personal question but my husband watches porn alot even tho we have sex a couple times a week and it bugs me do your hubbys do it to should i just let it go? we heve a perfect marriage otherwise

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Tracie - posted on 04/05/2012

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Here's the thing about porn - according to every scrap of research that's ever been done on this topic, if you watch it "a lot" (as you say) you become desensitized to it. Then you need it to be more hard core to get the same effect. Then you become desensitized to THAT, and you need even harder core stuff. Basically, in the long term, no good can come from it. People's ability to relate in a REAL sexual relationship is compromised by the overindulgence of FAKE fantasy.



Add to that the fact that the majority of porn actors are doing it for drug money and/or were sexually abused as children and have come to think that sex is their only value, just makes me feel sad for them. And who can get turned on by some sad kid who doesn't value themselves to the extreme that they allow total strangers to do invasive things to them - on screen - for money. Sad sad sad.



Bottom line - if it bothers you, tell your husband. He should care about your feelings more than he cares about looking at other women naked. Good luck.

Jennifer - posted on 04/05/2012

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No, my hubby doesn't watch porn, and neither do I. We are intimate usually about once a week. If it is bothering you, you should talk to him about it. In my opinion, a married (or even just in a relationship) man, has no business looking at other women naked, and my husband agrees.

Rebekah - posted on 04/05/2012

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Our rule prior to marriage was no porn. If he watched porn, that would be the same (in my eyes) as him cheating on me with another women. So absolutely no porn is allowed in our marriage.

Kimberley - posted on 04/07/2012

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Well, God says if you lust after another woman even in your thoughts it is adultery. Plus, you can't tell me if a guy is looking at another woman like that, that he isn't thinking sexually about her. It can also put temptation into his heart. So I would not let it go. Maybe find a Christian marriage counselor who can help you. It is an addiction, most likely, so it should be treated like one. Support is the key. Trust me, I know.....Hope this is helpful. Good luck.



P.S. Just because society is trying to make it acceptable it doesn't mean it is.

User - posted on 04/05/2012

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Even if it hasn't right yet, with him watching it, it will eventually start to wreck your intimate life together. I really agree with Tracie ^^^. It will desensitize him to it and then it will eventually desenitize him to your intimacy. Porn is like a drug, unfortunately. Once you start, it is hard to stop. Hopefully when you talk to him, he understands where you're coming from rather than getting defensive.



Marriage is meant for one woman, and one man. In my opinion, porn is cheating. A lot of people don't think of it that way, but eventually it will always make problems for a marriage.

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171 Comments

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Meredith - posted on 06/14/2012

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Find your own porn to watch alone.. if youe marriage is perfect other wise. Have fun with this.

Patricia - posted on 06/10/2012

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tried all that even though i don't like the porn for him didnt work he was interested in it not me

Kelly - posted on 06/09/2012

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If I were you I would ask to watch it with him and ask if yoi can do anything sexually new or different that he likes. My hubby and I watch it together and I'm his little porn star in the bedroom and the trophy wife outside of it. I love our sex life

Jenni - posted on 06/08/2012

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Patricia - posted on 06/07/2012

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Get 52 that is an immature post and if you are referring to me i have had comments from other men that i have been with without asking saying i am good in bed

Kim - posted on 06/07/2012

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Watching porn is no doubt cheating on you. If he is looking at, and lusting after, anyone else, it is cheating. Complete fidelity may sound old fashioned, but it is simply the ONLY way a marriage can work. Even if it wasn't cheating, the fact that he doesn't show you respect by listening to you and caring about how it affects you is evidence that he does not respect you as he should. You cannot be the only one to continue to try. If he doesn't change and get the help he needs, if he doesn't respect your wishes, then I would say you have no chance of a happy marriage.

India - posted on 06/07/2012

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Each person is different. It doesn't really bother me if the guy I'm with watches porn as long as he is still fulfilling my needs.

Lika - posted on 06/07/2012

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Okay, I'm going to ask some tough questions...

Does he want to enjoy sex more than you do?

When he views the porn, does it take time/intimacy away from you?

Do you get the "benefit" of the porn?

Why does it bug you?

Is he secretive or open about it?

Would you consider watching any with him?

If he is using it as an outlet because he wants to enjoy sex more often than you do, then I wouldn't worry about it too much, especially if he's still paying good attention to you, which you say you have a perfect marriage otherwise, so, maybe it's not an issue.

But, if you'd like more, say more like 4+ times, yet he's choosing porn over you twice a week, and only giving to you twice, then you need to sit down with him and let him know that you need him to be with you. Don't be accusatory. Just say that you'd like more intimacy with him, because you love him so much, but, you resent the porn because it's taking that time away from you.

On the other hand, if it's more of an appetizer for him, does it affect the "quality" of sex you get from him? Often times, I've noticed that seriously? The men I've dated who've been active users of porn were less likely to know how to truly please a woman vs. those who don't. Point blank, porn users think they learn from the show, but they don't, and they stink at sex. If he's actually giving you good benefits, maybe just ask him what is the purpose of why he likes it so much?

If he is secretive about it, then he probably knows that you're not going to be fond of it, then that may raise some red flags, and it's time to have a heart to heart... Being secretive is the first step into not being fully truthful. Though if he's open about it, that may be a good thing, because he will be more open to talking to you about the "hobby".

While most porn, yes, is geared toward men, there are some that are more geared toward couples. These usually are more tasteful of the bunch, and you may want to just ask him to keep with the ones that aren't so obtuse about weird things.

Ashley - posted on 06/03/2012

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Maybe I'm different but ill watch it with him and behind closes doord I'm not a perefect house wife but a dirty girl that will make all his fantasies come true

Heather - posted on 05/29/2012

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My husband would watch porn if I let him, but I am dead against it, and always have been. He's fine not watching it, and we have a healthy sex life. It works for us...really whatever works for you...if it bothers you, tell him. He may not realize it's an issue for you, and it may be something that doesn't matter enough for him to want to do if he knows you don't like it. :)

Laura - posted on 05/25/2012

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Like I said, you have got to stand up and face reality. I'm not trying to be mean, but he has obviously chosen porn over you. That is not right, that is not a relationship. A relationship takes 2 people, you seem to be the only one participating in your relationship. Hell, you seem to be the only one doing anything at all in your relationship. He sounds like a deadbeat. A deadbeat doesnt' mean he's not great with the kids but in my book you have to show respect and love for the mother and spend time and love your kids to be a good father. He's obsessed with the porn, he doesn't want help, you have tried everything it sounds like, everyone here has given their 2 cents, advice, and you've either tried it and it hasn't worked, you've tried "everything" and some of the information your just not listening to because I'm afraid deep down you know they're right. I feel deep down you know this relationship is probably doomed and you're just hanging on to anything you can because you love him and you don't want to end it because of that and you are afraid of being without him. Your relationship with this person is toxic to you and your children. Quit thinking about yourself and think about what all of this is doing to your kids. Is all of this really good for them? No, I think not.

Laura - posted on 05/25/2012

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Make your own porn for him to watch! Buy a video camera or dress up and let him take some pictures of you for him to look at while he's wackin' his willy. Porn has been around forever. It's never going away no matter what. No matter how much we resent it, if he doesn't stop looking at it for you and continues to blow you off, you obviously don't matter. At least in the bedroom department. I would tell him to keep his virtual sex world, pack his crap and tell him to get out. If he is willing to compromise and work with you on this, yall can talk civilely and work it out. If he keeps acting the way he does, you need to face it, it's not working and won't work. He has know intention of working it out and maybe he's doing all this, "I'm over 18, I don't care" in hopes you will kick him out so he doesn't have to say he's the one that left. I know I'm sounding harsh but I went through the exact same thing. I "read" it happening. Ask yourself, "how long has this been going on?" "How long do I want to continue to feel this way". I can tell you love him with your entire being, your whole heart. That's why it hurts so bad, but you need to come to grips with things and realize that you are oh so much better than that and you do not deserve to be treated this way. You are human, with feelings that need to be validated and he's not doing that and doesn't seem to want to.

Dana - posted on 05/25/2012

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Patricia - You do realize that most people are commenting on ORIGINAL POST and not your comments...right??

Patricia - posted on 05/25/2012

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it's not jealousy i am deeply hurt and like i said rejected because he wants that and nothing to do with me i don't bring it up all the time either her was doing it for a hell of a long time before i found out as well and yes it does hurt like hell and then some i have had counselling as well

Laura - posted on 05/25/2012

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ok, i've been in a similar situation and now that I am remarried to a wonderful, loving, man whom we have a 10yr old daughter and he raised my 19 yr old from the time he was 5, --I also went through hours of therapy so I do know what I'm talking about and can clearly see what what wrong with that relationship before so...all that being said I'm going to give you my opinion and shoot it to you straight but please know I'm not being ugly but I am laying my 2 cents on the line from what I've read from your post and I am not trying to hurt your feelings so if I do, I'm sorry. It's obvious you are extremely jealous of this porn issue. I'm not condoning it because I think as often as he's watching it, there is a really big problem. When I was in my previous marriage I felt exactly like you do now about porn, the women that do it, degrading, etc. All in all with what your feeling, your jealousy and him turning you away has caused you to have an inferiority complex towards certain types of women, mainly those that draw your husbands attention away from you. The fact that your husband is rejecting you and refuses to stop watching it, and refuses to go to counseling with you, it's obvious he doesn't want to help fix the problem. He clearly knows there is a problem because you are constantly bringing it up. That's probably just going to push him away if that keeps happening since he has obviously made up his mind that he's not going to do anything about it. This is porn on a phone? of girls he can actually talk to? if it is, are you sure it's not from women he knows or has met online and the women are streaming video to him? That would be even worse. That absolutely would be cheating. This is everything my prrevious marriage was on some level and I had all the same feelings and emotions just not all the kids. He didn't bring up splitting up though because I found out later, he was just going to stay with me so he wouldn't have to pay child support, and you say you have 7 kids? I think you yourself, by yourself should go get counseling or talk to someone and let them give you some guidance and advice on this matter. You have a time bomb on your hands and your problems run way deeper than just porn. I urge you to do this. I had to finally crack and do this on my own and it saved my sanity. Now that I'm remarried to the most wonderful man in the world, I know he loves me, I feel loved, I feel secure, if he watched porn I'd probably laugh that's how secure we are and he makes me feel in our relationship. Memorial day will be our 13th anniversary and we couldn't be happier. I truly wish the best for you but you can't keep going on like this, it's not good for you or your children. Please talk to someone. Like I said I've been there, it's hard, it hurts like hell, it is hell. I hope you can find happiness really soon. God Bless...
It seems that

Brittney - posted on 05/24/2012

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I would think you should confirm you husband. Why he watches porn? Or Is it something you dont give him. Ask him questions that way you know what he wants or doesnt want then maybe you'll know for sure what to do.

Tonilyn - posted on 05/24/2012

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When my husband and I were engaged, I found that he was lookIng up porn. I was very surprised and disgusted, not to mention, hurt. I immediately became uninterested in him. He sensed something was wrong and I told him what I found and my feelings toward it. He denied that it was him at first. He said it was a pop up that he "accidentally" opened but there are A LOT of different sites in his history. He then apologized for it and said he would never do it again and to my knowledge he hasn't.

Tonilyn - posted on 05/24/2012

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When my husband and I were engaged, I found that he was lookIng up porn. I was very surprised and disgusted, not to mention, hurt. I immediately became uninterested in him. He sensed something was wrong and I told him what I found and my feelings toward it. He denied that it was him at first. He said it was a pop up that he "accidentally" opened but there are A LOT of different sites in his history. He then apologized for it and said he would never do it again and to my knowledge he hasn't.

Patricia - posted on 05/23/2012

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says he doesn't know why or even when given the ultimatum still did not want to stop just went behind my back

Jessica - posted on 05/23/2012

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My hubby doesn't look at porn, and I wouldn't let it go. I feel if he is looking at porn, thats where his energy is, although if you have a good marriage, I dont see why he would be looking at porn. I would feel degraded and not good enough if hubby was looking at porn, and being christian it is considered cheating.

Patricia - posted on 05/19/2012

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Thanks Alex i will really try he basically tells me at the moment he is over 18 and does not care but i will try and yes all he does is be with porn and the other does not help at all

Alex - posted on 05/19/2012

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I'm very sorry for you. It does sound like he has a problem. It's not unheard of for women to start "couples" therapy alone because their husband isn't receptive to counseling. I would never tell a woman to leave her husband but if he's doing things outside of watching porn that are problems then you need to deal with those as well. If your making the money, taking care of the childen, doing the shopping, what is he doing? Is he just watching porn all day? It doesn't sound like he's being a good husband in any area.

I have to admit that my husband looks at other women, even when he's with me in public and hates participating in the weekly grocery shop but I check out guys with nice asses and hate grocery shopping too so I cut him a break and he still comes with or keeps the kids every other week. He NEVER goes to talk to those women and if he did he knows I'd literally bust his balls for it. It seems to work for us, though if he wasn't showing any interest in me I'd feel much different. My husband doesn't watch porn during the day (or I've never noticed) it seems it's only after the kids and I have turned in for the night. If he was ignoring me and our kids to do that I'd get the internet shut off. If you make the money, then don't pay the bill or change the service if it's a cable bundle. You can't make him change but you can make it known that you don't like what he's doing and show him just how much time he spends with it. I wouldn't be surprised if he was depressed. My husband got a script for something while he was depressed and laid off from his primary care doctor and didn't have to see a therapist. If you can show him just how attached he is to it maybe he's be more willing to look for help. I wish I could give you a better idea but a therapist for yourself about these issues may be able to help you through it.

Patricia - posted on 05/18/2012

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well it does sound like that you have your opinion and this is mine it has happened twice to me know with 2 marriages so you tell me what the poblem is i don't deny them i am not a prude i try and please them in just about evey way and why should i be constantly rejected for them to go to that for satisfactin when he sholud be with the person he supposedly loves and wants to be with i really enjoy sex to but i don't advertise it to the world and yes he is always watching pron he rejects time with his kids time for us as a family and a couple i have tried and tried talking to him both as a calm person who loves and cares about him trying to work it out and he says nothing and i have even let out my hurt and yelled at him he just says he deosn't care we have 7 kids and 6 were concived through mne constantly badgering him to be with him i know because that was the only time we had sex he says now there is no problems he doesn't know why he wants it and it's being going on for a long time he says he wants me but no matter what i do or try it just doesn't work i see they way he even looks at other women he doesn't look at me like that and it is not just looking we have almost had several car accidents because he just stares at women i don't let him drive with the kids in the car anymore he will go out of his way to help out a women overly polite and overly helpful won't help with the kids at home or do anything at home i earn the money and when we grocry shop he sits in the car and gets out when we are coming out of the shop with 3 trolleys but still won't help

Alex - posted on 05/18/2012

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Some women really enjoy sex, they find it empowering and use it. Not that I would ever do something like that. And yes, a lot them have issues that led them down the path to do the things they do but that is their choice. We as Americans have to right to happiness and freedom. Her right to have sex on camera is the same as your right to say and think it's wrong. But you can't blame her for being out there for your problems at home. There has been and will always be women showing their bodies for money. I hope that I can raise a happy, confident, competent girl into her womanhood and hope that she makes decisions that make her happy and safe. Would I choose that for her? no, but I would never condemn my child over anything they do as a competent adult.

As far as your problem, I can't put myself in your position because porn is not a big deal to me but I have been hurt by my partner. If he no longer was interested in being with me sexually, I would be very hurt and would probably blame his sexual outlet... But is he watching porn a lot? Do you think he's addicted to it? Or could their be something else going on? Have you tried talking to him about why he doesn't seem to want you anymore without bringing up the porn? Men are stubborn, defensive, and don't like to talk. If you back them into a corner about something that they aren't comfortable with then they aren't going to budge. I'm sure it's very painful. My husband lost interest in sex when i was pregnant with our first because of the stress that having a baby causes. I thought it was me personally. That I wasn't attractive. That I was a constant reminder of his life changing and thought I was going to loss him. Communication got us through. He would never submit to counseling either but there are things you can do to help understand him better so you can express yourself and he will feel for willing to do the same. Marriage is for the long hall and you can make it work if you really want to. I'm sure he wants to as well, but men don't know how to try or where to start and generally don't have someone to talk to about. It can be very lonely for them too and I think that's why a lot of them turn to porn. They can escape from their real life and be somewhere else for a half hour. Ever read a Nora Roberts novel because you wanted to get to the sex scene? Or your favorite chick flick for the same reason? It's more politically correct and most women don't get so hot and bothered over it but women are mental, men are physical. It's just expressed differently.

I don't intend to sound like your are wrong for feeling the way you do, you are absolutely allowed to hate his guts for hurting you. But sometimes we forget that people act out in odd ways when they have feelings they can't express. And when I'm mad at my husband I forget that he actually has feelings too. I really hope you and your husband find a place where you can both be happy, loved and validated by each other.

Patricia - posted on 05/18/2012

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why would you do that if you had respect for yourself i never would if they were not out there there would not be that temtation and yes i am extremely hurt angry and i even hate him now most of the time please try and put yourself in my position then maybe you would understand a little better i believe if you are with someone you should be true and faithful and loving and caring in everyway possible. and how would like it if that was your daughter that some male was jacking off over

Alex - posted on 05/18/2012

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Patricia, you sound like your a very angry with your husband. These women in porns are not trying to wreck your marriage. They don't want to hurt your family. And you have know clue if they have respect for themselves or not. I'm pretty sure it just depends on the women, just like all of us. These women do what they want and what makes them happy. You shouldn't blame them for your bad marriage or marital problems. If you have a problem with porn then talk to your husband about it. If he won't stop then that's a problem in between the two of you. If your husband doesn't want you he's either addicted to porn or you have other issues in your marriage and you may need to seek counseling.

Patricia - posted on 05/18/2012

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HW ISN'T IT SEXUAL THE GET HORNY FROM IT THE ARE A BUCNCH O NAKED SO AND SO'S WHO WRECK MARRIAGES AND FAMILIES WHO HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THEM SELVES OR OTHERS AND I DON'T THINK MY MAN HAS MUCH RESPECT FOR ME OR OTHER WOMEN IF HE WATCHES IT AND OHER THINGS HE CHOOSES IT OVER ME AND OTHER WOMEN TO

Patricia - posted on 05/18/2012

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he does not want me he wants the !!!PORN!!! WOULDN'T THAT BOTHER YOU AND OTHER WOMEN TO!!!

Shakara - posted on 05/18/2012

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Me and my Fiancee have sex 4-5 times a week sometimes more than once that day, and, he still watches porn. It doesnt bother me at all because he is a man. It really shouldnt bother you as long as he isnt trying nothing out in the streets, and it stays in the home I think you should be perfectly fine with it. Its natural.

Alex - posted on 05/18/2012

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MY husband and I don't have sex as often as we used to, before kids it was a few times a week. Now once a week is more normal for us. He has always watched porn. I never catch him doing it but it's on internet explorer's history. I think he used to hide it but he stopped because he felt he was hiding it and that he shouldn't hide things from me, especially harmless things like that. It used to bother me but we talked about it, which i think is the key and he explained that it's not an emotional connection and sometimes it's barely sexual. It's how he relaxes some nights, unwinds from the day. He loves me and we have a strong connection, when we have sex it's making love, we don't have "quickies", if there isn't time to do it right we wait until there is because we have our entire lives to take our time. He's not making love to a computer screen, he's not flirting with girls of FB, or trolling CL for hookers. If that were the case I'd kick him to the curb. I would never stop my husband from looking at pictures or watching a video, regardless of the content. He's a grown man who has always been faithful and is a wonderful father and if he enjoys watching porn I'm not going to stop him.

You have to know what battles are worth fighting. If it makes you uncomfortable or you have a religious or moral issue with porn then talk to you husband about it. I was concerned about my husband not finding me attractive anymore which wasn't the case but you have a right to talk to him about it. If he's merely not being considerate, ask him do refrain from having his "me time" until you are out or asleep. Not "hidding" it from you, more like teaching your kids to close the bathroom door when they do their business.

Valerie - posted on 05/17/2012

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I don't think porn will affect anything really, as long as he doesn't become dependent on it and as long as he doesn't ditch you to watch it. If it's hurting you though, you should really talk about how much is enough. My husband watches it all the time but it doesn't bug me because he isn't really getting it from me lol. Good luck :)

Shyla - posted on 05/14/2012

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It's not a bad thing when guys watch porn. you should probably ask why that turns him on but me personally i wouldn't mind it as long as he is at home with you and not somewhere else.

Bobbie - posted on 05/14/2012

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My suggestion, based on the information I gather from Dr Phil, Dr Oz and Dr Drew, is that porn is addictive. The guidelines I have heard is more than 2 hours a week. If he is looking at it daily I suggest you first voice your concerns with him then take it to the next level and gather information off the web about it . I attached the page I found on men's health on web.md http://men.webmd.com/guide/is-pornograph...

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