no appreciation :(

Elizabeth - posted on 10/08/2012

i think what u said is exactly on the spot, my selfish ass bf ( we have our 1st baby btw, 9 m old) he sais when he comes home from work, he needs like an hour to wind down n relax before he can get into family mode, i hate him for saying that,it disgusts me, sat is MY day to sleep in and him kinda take care of baby a bit more so i can get a little break,but then complains cuz im outside drinking coffee online for an hour wtf is wrong with these a hole...i feel hopeless, i quit my job to raise my kid and now i feel like even if i wana leave, i cant cuz i have no money and no furniture, im so depressed, ive been taking wellbutrin for a few mos now either im really nuts or its making my baby blues worse, or my life is so just , pathetic n miserable(besides my kid,hes the only thing that makes me smile)

Michelle - posted on 05/11/2012

Rhonda, Sorry for your pain. Your husband should not treat you like this if he loves you. He is not a real man to be treating the woman he loves like this. I'm a stay at home mom and I clean the house, fix food, teach the kids and etc. My husband works and brings in the money. He will take out trash and even keep the yard up too. No man is worth crying over. I know that when someone cuts you down and says uncalled for things to you really hurts. As for not doing anything..That's a bunch of crap! Being a stay at home mom, keeping up the house and tending to the kids is a neverending job. At least he comes home and his job is over. Your " real " job, being a housewife, mother is a " real " job. I would tell my husband if he could do a better job than you to try it. And another thing, tell him that if you didn't stay at home and keep up everything, then if you had to work, then what the hell is he good for? If you have to work and do it all, then you don't need him what soever. Hell, you can file childsupport and he won't have hardly a thing to stand on. You are trying your best to hold a family together and he is treating you like dirt. Noone woman should be treated like this. Even if you didn't stay home and had a job and he works too. Then you tell him that he would have to pay for daycare. Would he like that. Because by law, when a man works, it belongs to him and his wife and by law if a woman works, it belongs to her only. Look it up. See if he likes that too. I don't think he would like paying for daycare and you working. If he has trouble taking out the trash, he diffently would have problems of paying daycare, much less child support. If he wouldn't pay child support then he could go to jail.
I don't know you and I feel for you. If I were in your situation, I would tell my husband what I think, wether he likes it or not. If he started treating me worse, Honey, I would leave and take my kids with me and file for child support. I'd make sure that he didn't have a leg to stand on when I was done.
You gave him beautiful children, your love and in return you get no appreciation and treated like crap. There is no excuse for this at all. You need to tell your husband that enough is enough, that you will not be treated this way and if he cannot have respect for you. That he needs to leave and if he doesn't. You can have him escorted out and or you leave. This more than likely is not what you want and it diffently would be a hard thing for you to do.But, you need to stand up to him and let him know how you feel.You can't keep on feeling like crap and be treated like this. It's not right. You also said that "you dare ask him to take out the trash". Is he an abuser? Or does he get in your face for asking him? If so, He DIFFENTLY isn't worth the effort. If he abuses you with words, the abusing words can lead to phyical. If it hasn't already. I hope not, But if he has laid a hand on you at all in the wrong ways, You need to get out; It could be your children that he starts treating this way too.
Like I said before a man who loves you will not disrespect you and treat you like crap.Yes, marriages do have it's ups and downs, but if a man constantly makes you cry and has no remorse on how he treats you and keeps it up. Then he's got a problem. How do you know that he's doing this trying to somehow break this relationship off? How long has he been doing this? If recently, he could be doing something you don't know about. If as long as you can remember, a long time...then he has no respect or love for you and you don't diserve this. You need to stand tall and show you aren't taking this anymore. When he acts like this again, when you say something about the trash, then say fine, if you don't want to treat me with respect, then maybe this relationship isn't worth fighting for. See what his response is. He might not care. Or he might say, " I'm sorry, I love you". If you does appologize and then does it all over again, then he's appology wasn't real.
I hope things will work out for you, But remember all your options. Know what you can do if this relationship doesn't work out. Make sure you have an option for things and how to get in case it doesn't. It's better to be prepared than not to be. I hope all the best for you.

Ashley - posted on 05/10/2012

Freaken lose it .... You need to go on a little holiday and leave him with all the kids and see how easy it is. Stop crying and start standing up for yourself what he is doing is abusive, do you need extra money is he streased about finances not an excuse but he may be streasing and poring it on you. And start making him help he should be, You are the most important person in your kids life and your husband would not be able to handle it without you, Mine tryed saying something stupid once till i told him to pack his bags with an attitude like that he changed his attatude right quick child support is not cheap ether is alamony maybe ask him about that next time he says you dont do anything. feel better

Destiny - posted on 05/09/2012

I feel for you. I am in the same situation with my husband. I have been a SAHM for 2 years and just a month ago I finally got tired of hearing it. What I did to help open my husband's eyes is tell him that I am taking the weekend to myself. I gave him a list of things I do daily and he had to do that as well as take care of our son. I called my parents and his and let them know and asked them to please not bail him out but help if he absolutely needed it and they were all in for it. I came back and he was much more appreciative and I have yet to hear any negativity and even get more help from him. I don't know if this is an option for you or if you are interested in it, but it's an option.

Eva - posted on 05/07/2012

My husband used to say the same things to me. Till I got fed up and took off one morning that he wasn't working. I set my alarm clock to get up before everyone else and just left. Didn't leave a message saying were I would be. Within an hour of the time the kids normally got up he was calling the couple of friends I have asking if I was their. He was going nuts, trying to do everything. The boys kept saying, "Mom doesn't do it like that." He was so frustrated by the time I came home after supper and just before the boys would be going to sleep. He had to deal with everything all day on his own. Needless to say I did come home to a huge mess that I made him clean up, but he never again said I didn't do anything.

Jessica - posted on 05/05/2012

I'm sorry honey.. I have many friends that are stay at home moms and suffer the same thing. I have a full time job because staying at home is a MUCH harder job. Some of my friends struggle with money because he's the one with a job and it's HIS money. That's BS. I say you let him know how much daycare, cleaning lady, gardener and personal chef would cost him. He can either appreciate you for what you do to have a special bond with your kids OR he can start paying you for the REAL JOBS THAT YOU DO TAKE CARE OF. Nothing makes me more upset then when I hear this happening. Keep your head up.

Mrs. - posted on 05/03/2012

'I'm sorry to hear that! I'm new but I thought I 'd just jump in. I think it is mean for him to say that you do not do anything just because in his eyes, you don't have a "real job." You haveone of the most difficult jobs in the world. Also, it sounds like you go above and beyond! I sometimes feel unappreciated because I am currently pregnant with our third child and I feel like no one appreciates anything that I do. I cook, clean, take out trash, everything. Then he has the nerve to say that I have a bad attitude. What does he expect when I am about to pop and he is telling me that he doesnt have any clean work shirts, while I am making his dinner. Hang in there tho mama! You are doing a great job!

Susan - posted on 05/03/2012

u know what hun i have 7 kids tell him you hve the ha it to ihave hardest job going we have to be cleaners cooks nurses teachers protectors ect ask if he can do all the jobs in 1 go like us im sick ov aswell no how u feel ido cooking cleaning shopping iget to bed at 11.30 pm then got to wake my husband up at 5am for work even tho im up in the nite to with baby and up at 6am with all 7am he moans to even feed the baby he whont do nothing they use wrking as a excuse

Sarah - posted on 04/30/2012

That is very mean of him. My boyfriend supports me being a SAHM.

Anika - posted on 04/29/2012

Rhonda, from what you've said, he sounds like a jerk to be honest. "I have worked to support your lazy a** for 3 years". If my husband said that to me, well yea you'd bet I wouldn't want to be with him. I've worked full time, worked part-time & studied part-time, and I've been a full-time SAHM. The hardest to me has definitely been being a SAHM. If he's been home with the kids himself for a while, you would think he would know this. Sure, maybe one week of it is fun, but it gets to be very monotonous, tedious and tiring. And as you said, the cost of daycare is so high, unless you have a high-paying job, it's pointless going to work.

It doesn't have to be that way... he shouldn't talk to you like that. My husband also lost his job for a while, and saw what everyday is like for me, and understands it's hard. He helps me out a lot..does the dishes everyday, vacuums on the odd occasion, folds laundry sometimes, he takes the trash out, goes grocery shopping sometimes with my son..and of course it sounds like I do nothing now lol! I'm very grateful for how helpful & understanding he is..I cannot understand at all the men who tell their partner's and mother of their children that they are lazy.

Stephanie - posted on 04/24/2012

I have been dealing with this myself, I can totally relate. It was something that caused me to seek out professional help due to resentment issues I was having with my husband. My husband thought because he was ' physically going to work and bringing in a paycheck' that I have it easy here at home due to beds and a couch. When I get one hour a day to really sit down is when Nicholas is down for a nap, and usually during that time I am researching new activities for us or cleaning our home. My husband recently started getting the hint after a year and 8 months of bickering and fighting. I felt lonely and like a single mom when my husband would come home and plant himself on the couch. While my son is still up needing time with his father, I had a plan to leave until he started showing improvement being a husband and a father. I hope it continues because I know how hard it is.

Stifler's - posted on 04/19/2012

Plus I agree with Michelle W this is emotional and financial abuse. He's working and you've given up your career to stay home with the kids and he's withholding money from you, calling you a gold digger, telling you you're lazy and don't do anything when that is clearly untrue, making you cry and basically disrespecting you. Relationships are founded on love and respect for each other, if you don't have respect you don't have anything.

Stifler's - posted on 04/19/2012

Are you afraid of what he might do if you don't do everything or ask him to help?

WhiteWolf - posted on 04/18/2012

You Rhonda are ABSOLUTLY 100% correct. I am now a stay at home mom but not by choice I have a back tumor that keeps growing (8 back surgies) 1 shoulder sugery, c-2 joint neck damage which cause severe migranes and few other issues and I am only 38. I have worked my enitire LIFE! I am lucky my husband NEVER says anyything like that to me but others do. My ex-husband and his new wife of 2 years and other people in thier family have made statements such as "must be nice to stay at home and draw a disability check when nothing is wrong with you" and other statements close to that. I look fine on outside all the damage is inside my body. I have every document and papers to back up everything and get made to feel like crap. They assume I sleep all day and just do whatever I want. Now unlike you I have only one child a girl that is now 9. However, I get up and help get her ready for school, make breakfast, check outfit, hair, teeth etc....help get husband ready, clean my home as much as I can I have to take many breaks, pay all the bills, make and keep all appoinments, have lunch ready for husband as he comes home to check on me each day, pick my girl up from school, have dinner ready for all of us, do homework, the list never really ENDS I know you know what I mean by that. Yes I do have more free time then you do your children are at ages that require your 100 percent attention. What some do not realize that you having your two children close in age is you have "double trouble" im more then sure when one wants something so does the other. Some say "put them both down for a nap and you can take a nap" well, good luck with that if you like me when they are sleeping at that age you use that time to get other stuff done that you cannot get down while chasing two little ones around and that list also NEVER ENDS! I am sorry that it makes you cry but I would be lying if I stated that I dont because I break down and cry also but due to other people. Now there are are couple of ways you can handle this. I am more "rough around the edges type of girl" so you can guess what I would do. lol and then there is the "right" approach. I dont know you nor your husband but you can let it all go to Hell (sorry) in handbag so to speak not do a thing and when the dishes pile up, the laundry piles up and he has no clean underware and socks.........or he cant see the through the windows because of the kids hand-prints and the dogs slobber and the cats chasing the outside birds and bugs............well I think you get my point? lol. or the latter and sit down with him while the kids are down and in a calm manner and in a way that does not sound like it is attacking him maybe something as "you know hun, I was thinking about moms that stay home and how that really is a job and when people say it is not have them change places with one and explain what happens during a course of a day and again yours is much different then mine right now but im sure you probably cant count how many times you clean up their messes, spills, handprints just to even look presentable for when he gets off of work. Maybe it will sink in and if that does not work well theres always that KONK over the head lol (just kidding). I do understand and you should feel great that you are making a sacrifice of money to spend quality time with your children and run your household. Remember, he is the one that gets to "get away" he goes to work then comes home your there 100 percent. Try not to let it get you down as I need to not let other get me down also. Now for me I do have a little more time and I found out that I can "write" as in books, poetry, lyrics, music so what little time I actually get to spend on that I have found that it makes me feel as though I have a part time job to go to as I can do it when I want and feel able to. Who knows one day I may get published! It is a dream of mine. I hope I have at least made you feel better about yourself. I hope you have a good night. Worse comes to worse you have him read my post and let him know you cook his food you know his allergies and he has to sleep sometime. (lol)... once again (kidding) just trying to make you smile. :^)
WhieWolf

Jessica - posted on 04/18/2012

I am in a situation like this. My husband thinks I am lazy and do nothing. He never wants to give me money and when he does he makes me feel like crap, not to mention not pay my bills (car and cell payments) on time. He is constantly telling me I don't have a job.



As far as the ppl telling you to LEAVE or NOT DO ANYTHING FOR A WEEK, sometimes that is just unrealistic!



Rosemarie Hazen, to me, had the right idea for the average female living this. You need to know that you and any other SAHM knows what this JOB involves both emotionally and physically. You know that you are doing the best you can to raise your kids and (if you believe) so does your higher power. Take a deep breath and know that we are here. I do agree, what he does is a power play AND a form of abuse, and if you feel as though you have had enough, then leave. But, in my opinion, if your writing this group, it is for support and you are not ready to go (or have no intention of leaving)..



I am one of those that has no intention of leaving, my situation sucks at times but, I am home for my kids, they know I do the best I can. We go to church (most of the time;), say our prayers and discuss different jobs or situations (on their level) all the time.



I take the good with the bad - I am not willing to give up all this wonderful time with my kids and being able to let them have playdates at the house or help get dinner ready - or any of those little things that we do. This morning, i had an extra 15 minutes before my younger child had preschool, we played Go Fish! If I were working, i know I would have never had that time.



And, please don't get me wrong, my husband is not all bad (just in the respect department). Saint Pete will open those gates real fast when he sees me coming, he knows what I deal with- lol :) Chin up, you are a good person!!

Dulsy - posted on 04/18/2012

Same here I was asked once What do you do all day sleep?

Christine - posted on 04/17/2012

Being a full time mom is a hard job with not a lot of gratitude! You work 24/7 with no breaks. You need to get a new guy! He sounds a lot like my ex husband. I put up with it for 15+ years. I am now remarried to a wonderful man and we are expecting (his first) our son on May 3rd! Hang in there and just know that your job is the ultimate sacrifice for your kids that they will appreciate when they are older. Mine do (13 and 16 years old).

Cory - posted on 04/17/2012

While it may be difficult & your home may not run as smoothly go & get yourself a part-time job in the evening & leave HIM w/ the kids.. He will be forced to be the primary care-giver while you are earning money & he will understand what it is to be a SAHP (parent). PLUS as an added bonus you will meet more people & feel a sense of PRIDE & bring in alittle extra money. It won't take long for him to appreciate & respect you... & if he doesn't you can always bank what you earn for divorce fees... Good Luck !

Fblack - posted on 04/16/2012

tell him you're going to go and get a job... let him know that you'll need to split the household work duties from now on. unless he wants to hire a maid / cook / nanny.

Patty - posted on 04/14/2012

it just occured to me that some husbands get this attitude from their own parents. my mil,s favorite quote is 'well mike works all day" and worse she doesn,t consider homemaking as work[btw...she is a homemaker too=-0] i know..........it doesn,t make sense. my mom stayed home and raised me and my brother for many years. and of course my dad was very unappreciative and a jerk. my mom finally divorced him after 25 years ofhis crap. being a sahm myself, i respect and love my mom for all she,s done. God rewarded her by bringing a wonderful man who was my stepfather[he passed away in 2005] who made my mom very happy for the time they had together.

Cassie - posted on 04/13/2012

I know how you feel... I am a stay at home mom as well and it is the hardest job ever... I get so annoyed when I clean the house and everyone including the husband does not clean up after themselves. It is insulting and seems like they do not value what I do.

Patty - posted on 04/13/2012

no matter what anyone says, you do have a job. men are men. they don,t understand being a mother and homemaker is hard work. one day your children will thank you. hang in there. God will reward you one day. =)

Rhonda - posted on 04/13/2012

OMG yes! He says "You just dont know how good you have it to have a man go to work and allow you to stay at home all day!" And "One day your going to feel bad about the way you treat me", like, please?! And you treat me like gold?? Come on dude!

Jessica - posted on 04/13/2012

well little does he know that even if you are married the mom usually gets custody of the kids unless of course you are a drug addict or mentally ill. Everyone knows the saying "its cheaper to keep her" but that doesn't stop these selfish a-holes from treating us like we're nothing. The worst part is that the longer you put up with it the more resentful and unhappy you become towards your partner.. Honestly, when he makes comments like "why do you hate me so much?" I'm like I don't hate you but I don't like the stuff that comes out of your mouth.. Ever since I became dependent on him financially he's treated me like I should feel honored to get anything. He'll say that I changed ever since I had our son.. Of course I did, I became a mom! I don't just worry about myself now I'm in charge of another human being whom I put first all of the time. I'm not gonna be laid back anymore.

Rhonda - posted on 04/13/2012

You can watch my YOUTUBE video Here:

Rhonda - posted on 04/13/2012

Oh and may I add that the other day when I asked him for the $20, he said I was never satisfied and told OUR kids "kids, when you grow up make sure not to find a money hungry woman like your mom. If you do..RUN!" :(

Rhonda - posted on 04/13/2012

Jessica, I know just how you feel. I am basically in that same boat! I'm so sorry you feel this way! My other half works out of town some weeks also, he gives me 100 on Fridays and that is supposed to pay for everything (household things, diapers, any wants) and last week I ran short because of Easter and asked him for $20 more so I could have gas for the week and you would have thought I would have asked him for a kidney! He flipped. It really hurts my feelings and I get so tired of hearing how he makes all the money and how I don't do anything so I enrolled in an online school. I will be sitting here at the house for the next year and a half anyways might as well be working towards something. Well he got upset when he heard that I'd enrolled even though financial aid is paying everything! He doesn't want me to be independent, and he can't blame it on the kids because they will be going to school by that time! I won't marry him either by the way because he has flat out told me he only wants to marry me to get rights to the kids..over my dead body!! He wouldnt know the first thing about taking care of them!!

Jessica - posted on 04/13/2012

Its a shame that so many of us are treated this way.. My fiance is on a business trip in CA and he's been going out to dinner, getting drinks, going to the movies... Almost as if he's on vacation. He has to pay out of pocket for all his meals etc.. And they will reimburse him (but only for needed things like food not alchohol) and so here I am at home eating left overs all week and when I used our debit card to pick up dog food and whole milk for our son he texts me immediately telling me that I need to check in with him first before I just swipe the card cuz money is tight.... But he's out blowing money left and right while he's away. Not to mention he hasn't seemed at all interested in talking to me or trying to skype me to see our son. He's selfish... That's all there is to it. But it pisses me off cuz there is honestly nothing I can do about it. We are just two different people... And its sad. Cuz I'm still young & obviously people don't change.. And he wonders why I won't marry him. Just cuz we have a kid together doesn't mean I need to put up with this mental abuse and neglect. I just pray that me being home with our son benefits him and that he doesn't turn into a jerk like his father :(

Rhonda - posted on 04/12/2012

Ladies!! I SO feel your pain, everything on all your lists are things my guy says/does. I have a basket in the bathroom for dirty clothes and what does he do? Throw them BESIDE the basket, on the floor. His dinner is cooked when he gets home, he even calls to see what I am fixing and gripes if its not something to his liking. He says "You just don't know how it is to work your A** off and still not have any money". My thing is, YES..I do. I don't get paid money to do my job, I don't get to clock out, I don't get to call in. My job is 24/7, 365 days a year. And when you have NO help whatsoever, it starts to get to you. I feel like all of my days run together, every day is the same as the last. I even mowed the WHOLE yard with a push mower while he sat in a lounge chair and watched bc he was "off" for the weekend. Ugh, MEN!!!!!

Blair - posted on 04/12/2012

I know what you mean! Whenever my husband and I will get into an argument he will throw that in there too! Other times he says i do a lot, and am a great wife, blah blah etc. lol! It really drives me nuts though when he does say it though, because it is a hard job, but he acts like his is so much harder. We also have a three year old and 20 month old, so it's not easy by any means lol! I finally just quit having dinner ready every night and a perfect house, but instead of it proving a point, it just backfired on me. Idk i hear this from every friend i have that's also a stay at home mom too. Hopefully someone on here has some good advice on this one. :)

Gabrielle - posted on 04/12/2012

Jessica your relationship doesn't exactly sound all that healthy. He sounds like a selfish and controlling man.

Jessica - posted on 04/11/2012

I feel your pain rhonda. I am 24 years old and I stay at home with my 12 month old son. My fiance complains non-stop about money & how he hates having to work and not see his money. But my big issue with him is that I have to check in with him in order to use money to buy stuff we NEED yet he goes out golfing every weekend & buys himself lunch when he's at work. I never get to do anything for myself and if i complain about it he tells me that when I get a job and bring some money into the house then i can tell him how he should be spending his money. It just pisses me off cuz I do work part time as a nanny every other week and my checks go right into the account and yet i still have no say over finances. Besides the finances, i do everything around here as well. Laundry, dishes, vaccumming EVERYTHING and when he gets home from work dinner is made and he never offers to help clean up. After i finally get our son down at night i still have cleaning and laundry to finish up and then he has the nerve to ask me for a back massage... like SERIOULSLY!???? And when i tell him that i do just as much as he does he tells me how im unappreciative and that maybe i should go back to work and he stay home. It absolutely infuriates me and has put a huge strain on our relationship... I really dont know what to do anymore.

Nicole - posted on 04/03/2012

I am so sorry because I know how you feel. My husband works a lot and we don't have a lot of money but I know that going back to work wouldnt be financially worth it. I am always at home with my very busy 2 year old and I have another one on the way. My husband tells me constantly that the house isn't clean enough and that I am lazy and don't do anything. It hurts my feelings that he doesn't appreciate the devoted mother that I am because being home with your child is a very important job! I don't know what to tell you since I'm in the same boat but do not stoop to his level by yelling back or saying mean, hurtful things just to get back at him. Stay calm and talk to family and friends that can boost your confidence. If you can talk to him and he will listen, tell him he hurts your feelings and if he doesn't start to respect you, you will do something about it!

Rhonda - posted on 04/03/2012

His favorite thing to say is " You go to work, I'll gladly stay home with these kids" But he said if he stays home he wouldnt clean, I would still have to come home and clean and cook. I mean really, whats good for the goose is good for the gander! lol

Gabrielle - posted on 04/03/2012

I know how you feel. I have a 1 year old and an almost 3 year old and I do everything at home which a lot of the time isn't easy when you have to chase 2 kids around all the time. My husband says he would help me more if I did more. Its like YOU TRY TO GET EVERYTHING DONE WITH THESE 2!!!! Sometimes he totally pisses me off.

Jamie - posted on 04/02/2012

my fiance is like that... if i want to go to the store with out the kids, he thinks im going to meet up with my other "boyfriend".. and i DONT have another boyfriend! Its SOOO annoying!

Autumn - posted on 04/01/2012

"He really only uses this when we are arguing, he has said "I work, what do you do? You wont work huh? Your too damn lazy"



Bullying tactic. Make you feel 'bad' about your position so you will scrape and bow lower and lower for his approval.



"Even though the cost of daycare outweighs the pay, and also I have had a job and the kids were in daycare and he accused me of only wanting to work to meet other men."



Controlling tactic. Bullying too. These comments (I have experience!) are used to make you feel like you need to adjust/quit so he won't think this. He knows it isn't true OR he is so insecure that it is his automatic thought. And it worked on you, yeah?



"He has also said comments like "I have worked to support your lazy a** for 3 years". Mainly he does play on my weaknesses and has told me several times that he thinks I'm too good for him and I think he is just trying to bring me down. I dont believe in giving up on someone, I believe in sticking it out. He doesnt hit me or the kids and is actually a great dad, my only issue is him saying that I dont do anything."



One of the previous comments was to stop doing all that you do for a week and show him how much you DO do. BUT I wonder if he won't try to make such a thing an "I told you so" moment. And given the familiarity of this behavior, the 'abusive' description is not out of consideration. I've experienced this mental game before and seen it play out in the lives of other women I know. Pay attention to his words and behavior, and see if the good outweighs the bad.



Marriage counseling with a therapist or church leader may help. But don't let someone who is supposed to love you and help you grow, do the opposite.

Kerri - posted on 04/01/2012

Dear Rhonda, You sound like a sweet lady and a devoted mother and wife. I can tell you now that no one will find any sense of happiness or contentment in life if they are expecting it from others, such as a husband or kids or workmates or other mums. You need to realise that what you are doing is so worth it - for you, your kids and your husband. There are a couple of things you can do:

1. Visualise a conversation with your husband where he says how much he loves you and really appreciates what you are doing. He actually says to you that you are a great mother and your kids are fantastic. Keep visualising it until you feel the sense of joy and worth that comes from a sincere compliment. Do this visualisation at least 2-3 times a day for a week or two.

2. When he comes home, greet him warmly and ask him how was his day? I bet he won't be expecting that from you - so it may surprise him. He might even think you've done something so wrrong that you feel guilty. Reassure him that you've been thinking a lot about what he said, and you want to change things so life can improve for the whole family.

3. Ask him about going on a weekend away somewhere - camping, or something like that. Make sure it is a trip where you both have to contribute to the event, and that the children are involved. I get the feeling that his involvement with the kids is minimal, so get him to do more fun stuff with the kids so he realises how much he is missing. Make sure you write a list of the tasks and talk over with him how you are going to split them between you. If you do the cooking, then he can gather the wood with the kids. Make sure you do some tasks together as a team, such as set up the tent. If he gets grumpy or impatient, try and laugh it off - DO NOT be a victim. Recognise it could happen, be prepared for it,and be patient. Nothing will happen immediately.





Remember, honey, it's taken 3 years to reach this stage. Hopefully, it won't take 3 years to reverse the trend. Remember why you fell in love with him, and appreciate HIS good points too. Tell him what you appreciate about him, and the energy will shift. You won't be a victim, and he won't be a bully. Keep your cool, and know he is doing the best he can at this point in his evolution. Keep your success goal in mind and work towards it - piece by piece. It does work.



With love and the very best wishes, you can do it girl! Kerri Yarsley xoxo (Mother of 4, married 30+ years)

Rhonda - posted on 04/01/2012

He really only uses this when we are arguing, he has said "I work, what do you do? You wont work huh? Your too damn lazy" Even though the cost of daycare outweighs the pay, and also I have had a job and the kids were in daycare and he accused me of only wanting to work to meet other men. He has also said comments like "I have worked to support your lazy a** for 3 years". Mainly he does play on my weaknesses and has told me several times that he thinks I'm too good for him and I think he is just trying to bring me down. I dont believe in giving up on someone, I believe in sticking it out. He doesnt hit me or the kids and is actually a great dad, my only issue is him saying that I dont do anything.

Michelle - posted on 04/01/2012

It really comes down to communication and not letting people treat you the way you don't want to be treated.



You need to let your partners know what you do, if it's a daily chore list, not doing it for a couple of days, a video diary while doing chores. There are a lot of way to get ignorant people to understand what it takes to run a house.



There really isn't a lot of use complaining to us if you're not willing to stand up and tell your men that you aren't going to be treated like that. You are in a partnership and both parts are equal.

Jamie - posted on 04/01/2012

i have that problem all the time! My Fiance will sit there and say to me, What did you do all day? Sit down and watch tv? And the dishes would be done, the floors would be vacumed, the laundry would be done... And to remind you, i have a 2 yr old son and a 1 year old daughter which she just started walking not to long ago... but what i dont understand is, im home with them 24/7, so if i want to run to the store or something, i have to take ATLEAST one of the kids with me! HOW IS THAT FAIR to us SAHM?

Sarah - posted on 04/01/2012

Oh, please.. We all remember those words in the wedding vows... For better for worse, unless he refuses to help around the house.. No? Oh, well I guess people just aren't aware that a good husband can make you cry, and a good wife is also capable of being a vicious b at times. You sound like you have self esteem issues attached to beig a sahm, and you need to learn to appreciate your own value. Forget what ANYONE says about your role. Your husband contributes financially to the house. You contribute to the house by having the absence of things. Like raising your children in a wonderful way. And cleaning. And cooking. so you Don't have a cleaner, a nanny, a chef... Go ahead and send your husband a link to a nanny service (or three) an tell him that if he choses to devalue you, you will start Contributing financially to the house and pay someone else to raise the kids and do the housework.

Believe it or not, your husband sounds immature and like he knows where your insecurities lie. He's also playing on them. Tell him to shape up, because you are not running a one woman marriage. And stand up for yourself.

By the way, how comfortable with a huge pile of trash in the house? I would leave it there until he took it. DO NOT cry, do not back down. You deserve a partner!!

Michelle - posted on 04/01/2012

If he is saying things to make her cry and tells her she doesn't have a "real" job he is damaging her selfesteem. If someone hears those comments enough they start to believe them.



I have had my best friend dealing with someone who always put her down to the point where she though she deserved it when he did finally hit her. She thought she must have provoked him. He ended up breaking her left wrist and her right hand. It has taken months of convincing that she is a valuable friend.



My ex husband was also one that said I didn't do anything because I was at home with the children. He carried on with his life the way he wanted and my life changed completely when we had children. It took me 4 years to get up the courage and leave and I'm glad I did. I became a stronger woman for it and would never let anyone treat me that way again.

Siobhan - posted on 04/01/2012

Michelle, I have to disagree that Rhonda's husband is abusive. Based only on the description provided (further details could reveal abuse) I think he has a bad attitude & isn't holding up his end of the partnership but that doesn't make him abusive. I disagree even more that Rhonda would be teaching her kids the wrong thing by staying in the marriage. If she lays down like a doormat & puts up with this nonsense then that would be wrong, but if she is standing up for herself & working to change the situation then she would truly be teaching her kids a valueable life lesson. She would be showing them that marriage is important & takes work and also what a strong wife & mother looks like.



I'm not saying she should stay in the marriage at all costs & deal with the current state of things for the rest of her life. I'm saying marriage is worth fighting for & change can happen. I think its important that Rhonda should give it some time & exhaust all her options before talking about divorce. I have seen marriages turn around, even when the effort was initially all on one spouse. Its not fair that it should be all on her, but in the end if all that work opens her husband's eyes & results in a better marriage isn't it worth it?

Rosemary - posted on 04/01/2012

I'm going through the same thing right now. My husband see's what I don't do rather than what I do do!!! He is so blind. I feel like I am being micromanaged and I am writing EVERYTHING down that I do so that it is in writing!! Even though they don't show any appreciation, just be proud that you and your higher power KNOW what you are doing for the safety, security & welfare of your family. Start writing down everything, if you have to, and show that to your husband. Cause if you ever decide to leave him, he will have to assume responsibility for it all, and that would make his job even tougher.

Michelle - posted on 03/31/2012

Siobhan: He is being emotionally and financially abusive. Just because he's not physical doen't mean it's not abuse.



The one thing that really stood out for me in the OP was the he won't take out the trash and even dares you to ask him!!! Maybe you should send him to my house for a week and see how long he lasts. My husband never needs to be asked to take out the trash, wash dishes or do the yard work. We divided up the chires when we first met and that's how it's stayed.



You are also teaching your children that this is how a "marriage" is supposed to be, the woman doing all the work and the husband just going and earning the money. A marriage is a partnership of 2 adults. One person is NOT better than the other and both should repect the other.

Sarah - posted on 03/31/2012

siobhan, anybody who makes someone else cry is really not worth being married too. if my husband upset me by silly comments and yet still did it over and over i would leave him

Siobhan - posted on 03/31/2012

Forget about your family not running "as smoothly" without you. It wouldn't run at all! Every wise husband knows that Mom is the engine that drives the family & without her there would be a major "break down". I'm so sorry your hard work isn't being valued & recognized. Salary.com says all the work a SAHM does would be compensated with a 6 figure salary in the workplace. Show your husband this article to help him see how valueable your work really is...

http://swz.salary.com/momsalarywizard/ht...



Please ignore the ladies advising you to leave your husband b/c of this issue. Marriage is not something to be thrown away b/c its hard- that comes with the territory. If he was abusive or causing harm to yourself or your children in some way that's a different story. Marriage can survive a lot more than a husband acting like an inconsiderate jerk. I encourage you to work on it, even though it sounds like the effort will be one-sided right now. Keep trying to get through to him, there are so many things to try & good books out there about this.



I suggest you start out by trying to sit down & have an honest conversation with your husband. Tell him that you appreciate that he works hard to provide for your family and you are depending on him- you need his help around the house & with the kids. He is a dad & a member of the household so his job does not and should not end when he gets home from work. If he is always "off" at home, when exactly are you supposed to get a break? In order for you to maintain your sanity, identity as a woman (not only "mom") & usefullness to your family you do NEED time to yourself for rest & rejuvination. If your husband isn't willing to provide that for you himself then you should, in all seriousness, tell him that in that case you will be needing some $ for a babysitter & a maid so you can get that time you require & deserve.



Your husband is supposed to be your provider & partner. Providing for your family does not end with a paycheck. He should be doing his best to provide for you with his time, effort, attention & energy at home as well. As partners you share responsibility for your household and should have equal time off. Help him to see that if he pitches in with housework & caring for the kids he will be sharing his "time off" with you. He will have a more rested, happier wife which benefits the whole family. If he is not receptive to this conversation then you should wrap it up by telling him that now he knows exactly what you need in him as a husband & its up to him what to do with that information. Then you can move on to some other methods to get through to him.



Also, if you believe in God then I cannot emphasize enough the benefit of praying over these issues. God has the power to change any heart & heal any marriage. It has helped me so much to avoid complaining & being negative with my husband. Since I started praying more I'm able to INFORM my husband about any issues I'm having with him instead of arguing all the time. Then I tell the rest to God & ask Him to help us both to be better spouses & to lead us to a more loving and godly marriage. We certainly have a long way to go, but my husband is much more responsive to me now & I'm a lot less negative.



I pray that your husband's heart will change and he will begin to appreciate all you do & start helping you out. God bless!

Mandy M. - posted on 03/31/2012

Write him out a bill or twenty. Daycare, house keeping, Gardner, chef, laundry service, ect... I have been a SAHM of 6 kids for 17 years and the most important lesson I can share is you have to value yourself first and others will follow. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! Your kids will thank you!

Sarah - posted on 03/31/2012

you know rhonda, if your man doesnt appreciate you i suggest you leave him, i know its hard but nobody should ever make you feel like this. folk say life is too short, but its actually too long to live feeling like this. if your miserabel your kids will be too. nobody wants an unhappy mum. lets put it this way if any of your kids were dating someone like your man, think of the advice you would be giving them. if its not good enough for them, then its not good enough for you either xxx