not into my husband as much anymore....

Brandis - posted on 03/24/2010 ( 19 moms have responded )

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my husband and i were young parents..i had my son at 20 and he was 22....we've only been married for 6 months and i don't know if its just me but our relationship doesn't seem as good as it use to be...we've been together for 4 years total..i stay at home with our 2 year old...and were a single car family, so my husband uses the car to drive to and from work...I'm stuck in the house 24/7...he works in another county and leaves an hour or more before work to make it there on time so he's gone 12 or more hours a day..he has Wednesdays and Sundays off and i use to look forward to his days off but not so much anymore...he seems to always be in a bad mood which rubs off on me and our son...sometimes i feel like I'm raising 2 kids, i feel like his mother sometimes....he complains about not getting enough sleep and i tell him well go to bed earlier but he continues to stay up late watching TV or playing video games or going to chill with his friends. we get to bed usually around12 or 1..i tell him to go to bed early since he works ya know..i stay up late because its the only time i have to relax and enjoy some peace and quiet...he doesnt go to bed until i do then he bitches the next day about being so tired....like he's the only one in the house that's tired..
.....we NEVER go out together NEVER EVER...he'll say "i wish we had a babysitter so u could come out with me, i don't like going out without you" that's what he says every time but he makes NO effort to find someone to watch our son...and he still goes out anyway....I've gotten so stressed out with doing ALL the house work and EVERYTHING for my son that I've threatened divorce to him...in hopes that he'll do something...which doesn't help at all...i feel like were in competition sometimes at who is more tired or who does more work...on his day off i try to do things together as a family so we spend time together not being cooped up in our apartment but he just wants to sleep and is in a bad mood if he doesn't....im more annoyed with him now or more irritated easily..i just dont know what to do...ive talked to him and he just says theres only so much i can do..he just doesnt understand im becoming more bitter day by day...our parenting styles are different....for example the other night my son kicked at our dog but didnt actually kick her or come close to kicking her and my husband starts screaming at my son.....and all i hear is shouting and my son crying...he yelled at him as if he did kick the dog...now if it woulda been me i would have calmly talked to him and explained that we dont kick or try to kick the dog, i would yelled if he actually did kick the dog however...idk im frustrated were just not the same as we were before our son..i just hate my husband sometimes...am i alone

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Sonja - posted on 03/26/2010

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you are not a lone! i felt this way not long ago and it wasnt a phase...we have been together for a little over 5 years and i got pregnant after 10 months into the relationship. things went bad afer that...we fought constantly never spent time together avoided eachother...i left him when i had my first baby girl. she was 1 month old i couldnt handle it anymroe...i said i was thru and i wanted out he didnt have to coem around if he wasnt ready to be a father... i packed my stuff and moved back with my grandma. bout a week later he was calling me every nite after work on breaks, any spare time he had. begging for me to come back...i went back and it spiraled back where we were...i threatened so many times to leave after that he actually told me to get out. it wasnt what i wanted to hear. dont throw it out unless its what you want...or it will bite you like it did me...he did apologize later for it and told me he didnt mean it but its still in the back of my head if he wants me here...5 years and still goin now...we have 2 girls and doin not bad. but this is recent...i got my mind off him and stopped worring when he was goin to spend time with me...i got in touch with some friends and had my time with them...took my kids a long and made it a good time. now hes wanting to spend time with me and not his friends and the tv. if hes in a bad mood and its nice out side tell him hey me and the kids are goin for a walk be back later. you can join of you would like.. see where that goes...dont be bitchy bout it or rude... just take your mind from him. he will see you then. but for the most part you guys need some a lone time...find a sitter and have a nice dinner when he gets home..shut the tv off and try having conversation. be open with him...i hope it helps

Kristin - posted on 03/25/2010

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Marriage is hard work. Parenting is hard work. Life can be hard work. It really sounds like you two need start talking to one another again and about a lot of topics. Others mentioned couples therapy, and that can really help if you are both willing to do it. If not, it won't do anything but become yet another thing to fight about.

You should take a moment and consider what you really want to talk about. For example, parenting styles and discipline, scheduling a date night and a sitter, moving closer to his job, helping around the home, getting some time just to yourself. Ask him to do the same. Then you can take one topic on at a time to discuss. If things get heated, then table it for a bit. Try to find areas where you can compromise too, like bedtime. Try to remind yourself of what you were attracted to in the first place and he will respond fantastically to praise when he does something that you do like.

Be patient with yourself, your husband, and things will get better. Good luck.

Myra - posted on 03/24/2010

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You aren't into your husband because it seems like he's not into you and the family you've made. It gets old being in the house, and it gets old caring for a child. It gets old watching TV and listening to someone complain. But, when he says "i wish we had a babysitter so u could come out with me, i don't like going out without you" there's a problem. If he doesn't like going out without you, he could just stay home WITH you. Your husband is "choosing you" without actually choosing you. For him to choose you, he needs to turn off the video games and TV, he needs to not go out if you can't go too, he needs to ask how your day was (and you need to ask him how his was, too!), and he needs to make some quality time for your son so he can understand who he is and why he does what he does...then he'll know what to do when it comes time to discipline.

Your styles may be different, but I doubt they are the reason you're having the problems. Chances are, your husband feels like it isn't what he thought it'd be to be a husband and dad. He probably feels like he isn't appreciated. I'm not saying what he feels is more important, or right or wrong...but if it's what he's feeling (chances are, you don't feel appreciated nor do things feel like you thought they would being a wife and mom), it is very real to him, and because of it, it is creating problems. One night when you're both up and it's just the two of you, turn off everything, and just sit and talk. Ask him about his day, how he likes being a husband and father, how he likes his job...ask him about HIM. Unless he's totally self-absorbed, he'll return the interest in you...may take a while if he goes off on something, but he should ask you about you, too. That is a good first step to getting back where you were. You won't ever get totally back to where you were because now you have another deminsion; your son, but, you can grow together and move on down the road.

Ericka - posted on 03/24/2010

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well i think you need to find a babysitter and go out just the two of you. whether you go out for a good time or to talk about things is up to you guys but he isnt seeing what you see and vice versa. you shouldnt threaten divorce unless you really want one it is serious and could just add to his discontent. i am in a similar situation i stay at home an my husband works 8-15 hour days. we were getting aggravated with each other about a year ago. we decided that we needed some us time so got a babysitter and went out on a date like before we were married movie, dinner, ice cream the whole bit. it is amazing how something so simple can bring back old times and help you to realize what your partner is going thru. obviously we worked things out and are trying to be more understanding of each other and responsibilities of the other. i would suggest that on weds you get to go out with or with out your child just to get out of the house, to the park, mall, library, anywhere just have that time when you dont have to be home. use sunday as a family day where you guys do things together. decide one or two days a month where you two go out together on a date as if you were just dating get all dressed up, it sounds dumb but it really really works to rekindle a relationship. i hope things get better and i hope this helps :)

Gabriela - posted on 03/24/2010

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Hi! My name is Gaby and we are actually in the same boat! ;D but, we have been together for almost 10 years, (like 3 years me, staying home)

How hard, right? trying to communicate something when he doesn´t have that much time...have you tried to communicate at all? well, for us, was like i had to talked to him, and i told him that if he didn´t change his attitude it was hard for me to be happy in this marriage, and he totally got it! he is awesome with me and my 1 year old now. it is worth it trying to save your marriage...:D

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Brenda - posted on 07/02/2012

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Threatening a divorce is a double edged sword. Do it enough times he may take you up on it. Eventually it will lose it's threat. Do you have family near by? They can sometimes be a welcome relief when you need to get out as a couple. That gives the grandparents time to bond with your child without parental influence.

[deleted account]

No you arent alone! My hubby and I went through this and are over it now but it takes work. A face to face calm discussion was what it took for us. Have you talked to him? Do you wanna change things? Feel free to email me at jcrausch2005@yahoo.com

Rayza - posted on 03/30/2010

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I understand what you are going through. My husband also works almost 12 hours. I tell him to sleep early he doesn't stay on the computer reading. I do have a car but sometimes it's not fun going out only with the baby. My husband is always tired never wants to go out. I'm tired too from taking care of our daughter. he knows it's hard work but still he says i wish i could stay here. I really talked to him and he changed for a bit, but they get in there runt. My mom stays with my daughter most weekends and my husband is like why is she staying there, i miss her. And i tell him i need a break I don't have an end time for my job. He gets to sleep late on weekends why can't I. He'll help sometimes, but not much. Sometimes i feel like I'm raising my child all by myself and then mostly everyday he says, can u give me a massage I'm hurting. I'm hurting too and he doesn't give me one. But i guess all men are the same. Just talk to him hopefully that will help. It helps with mine when i do.

Annemaree - posted on 03/30/2010

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its hard to raise a child practically on ur own as u get none or little help from ur husband...... my husband is good as he tells me to go have a break n go out for the day but when i get home hes usually playing vidio games n the kids are bored cranky n misbaving for me as daddy didnt spend time doing daddy stuff with them ....it makes it harder for me .... which i can totally relate those feelings since ive had my children i look at my husband differentkly now too dont get me wrong i luv him totally still like the day we met but it does get frustraiting when they dont have the same disaplinry views or u dont get time alone away from ur bubba too ........ fair eneough he works long hrs n mite not get eneough sleep but dont winge to u about it ur job is 24-7 his seems to finish when he gerts home he needs to get his priorieties straight ........ dont feel bad about feeling this wauy we all go through it ... at somtime ... maybe it mite help to sit him down n tell him how n y ur feeling this way !! n maybe if the threats aint working move it to the nxt step ........ good luck luv

Caitlin - posted on 03/26/2010

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I agree with everyone that all marriages have their ups and downs. My husband and I have been together for seven years. He works in a different city then where we live and works 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. Its hard but you have to make time for eachother. My husband and I have a date night atleast once a month. It helps us remember to focus on eachother and not get caught up in life's everyday struggles. Is it possible for ya'll to get a second car? I think that would help you out a lot. Try talking to your husband are your frustrations. Dont get mad or upset but calmly talk to him and express your feelings. You will just end up resenting him even more if you dont confront him. Good luck and remember you arent the only one facing these kind of problems. We all go through it.

Stephanie - posted on 03/26/2010

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Hi Brandis, my name is Stephanie and my husband are were married for a total of a month before we found out that we were pregnant with out daughter. We did not have a lot of just us time prior to her getting here. You say that your relationship is not how it use to be, it takes work, which I know that you know. It gets harder when you have children. You want to be careful that you do not lose focus of each other, because that can cause problems.Right now we are a one car household, because we are stationed overseas. I know what it is like to be stuck in the house all day without an outlet.



You say that his days off are Wednesdays and Sundays. Try not to dread those days. If you are a praying woman, pray and ask God to give youthe patience to deal with your husband's attitude. You have to talk to your husband about his attitude, and how it effect you and your son, but in a loving way, try not to sound demandng or demeaning. His feels can be legitimate, you have to ask him why he feels this way.



A reason your husband could be staying up late, is because he wants to spend time with you. You are at home all day with your son, and he is at work, he wants to be able to come home and spend timw with his family, then after the baby is sleep for the night, he wants to spend time with you, even if it is just watching television. Telling him to go to bed earlier is only going to make matters worse, because he may feel as though you are trying to tell him what to do, or you are treating him as though he is a child and not your husband. Maybe you should try going to bed early and see if he follows you. If so do so a few night a week so that he will get more sleep and he will be in a better attitude.



About the babysitter. A husband is not going to be the one to find a babysitter, they are going to want to leave that up to you. You know what your son needs in a sitter because you are with him all day. I would say find someone that you trust, a friend or a relative and ask if they can watch him for a few hours so that you and your husband can spend sometime together.



Threatening to leave is not the best thing to do. I know what it is like to be frustrated with having to do all of the housework, and take care of the kids, Again this is where prayer has to come in. You cannot change your husband and you cannot threathen him into doing anything that he doesnt want to do. You can ask him to help you, and you an explain that doing it all on your own wears you down and that you could really use the help, but dont yell about it or threaten, because it will only make matters worse.



Brandis, you are not alone. There are going to be times in our marriages, where things are not perfect, and there are going to be times where things are going great, but you have to understand that you are not wrong for having these feelings. I will pray for you and your family. Just hang in there, you will make it through. Just keep praying.

Christy - posted on 03/26/2010

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I have found I do all of the legwork in terms of getting together with my husband to go out. I think he gets stressed about having to support a family and that's why he is in a bad mood a lot. Tell him you appreciate him and all the work he does for the family. Men need reassurance, too. I have found that I get what I give, in other words stay positive and nice, and hopefully he'll return the effort!

Kristin - posted on 03/26/2010

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Good for you! And I totally understand about cost v. distance when it comes to housing, such a pain. Enjoy your night out!

Brandis - posted on 03/26/2010

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@kristin...i would love to move closer to his job...the pricing there is rediculous we pay 700ish a month for a 2 bed 2 bath apartment thats pretty good size. if we moved closer to his job we'd be paying twice as much for a smaller apartment..its rediculous...
but im proud to say we have a sitter (thanks to me) for tomorrow night

Sheryl - posted on 03/25/2010

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sound like you guys need to have a talk about things. maybe even some marriage conc.! me and my husbend have gone through thing like you. I even told him just this year that i don't love you anymore. i think that really got him. maybe you need to be honest and till him you love him but are becaming bitter. and that you know his tried too and stressed out too. but that you would be greatfull if he could try a lil bet more and you'll try a lil bet more. hope that helps some and good luck. marrage is never easy!

Sarah - posted on 03/25/2010

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I think your husband needs to understand where your coming from, being a stay at home full time mum is hard! We don't get weekends or lunch breaks our day doesn't get to end at 5pm (or when ever) Our job is 24/7!

You need to organize a time for you and your husband but you also need to organize time both of you can spend alone sepertally. I would suggest maby once a month you go shopping with some girlfriends and he goes and dose something with his friends.
we all need our time away from the kids, my partner take the kids groceries shopping with him every week which gives me time to relax in the bath ect.

hope this helps

Jennifer - posted on 03/24/2010

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Every marriage goes through phases, and wouldn't it be great if it were wonderful all the time. It just really seems that you guys need some time alone together out of the house. Don't wait for him to find a babysitter, you find one. I'm guessing he stays up late at night, because he wants to be with you. I'm guessing he still goes out when there is no babysitter, because he needs some fun time too. Sometimes I think it is so hard for our men, because they work such long hrs. (mine usually leaves the house around 2-3am and doesn't get home til 5-6pm) and they don't know how to divide their time to please themselves and us. They want to spend time with us, but at the same time, they need time away from us too, that doesn't involve work. We as stay-at-home moms are always trying to find ways to define ourselves as more than just mom/wife. Sometime I think we forget that our men want the same thing for themselves. My best advice is find a babysitter and get a way with him. Get dressed up, with your hair fixed and makeup on, and discover each other again. I promise the love and passion is still there for the two of you, you just have to find it.

Aimee - posted on 03/24/2010

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i felt that way for many years unfortunately. Yeah frustrated. I thought about divorce a lot. You need to find a babysitter. start taking walks in the nice weather and make attempts to meet neighbors with kids. see if you could take turns babysitting. Hang at kid friendly coffee shops or somewhere where there is other adults. When my focus was off my husband i started feeling better, i still didn't think we were gonna work but now he is trying to hang out with me. Men are like children my husband is the same way with tv and video games. make one night a week no screen night and for goodness sake get some whipped cream!

Aimee - posted on 03/24/2010

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i felt that way for many years unfortunately. Yeah frustrated. I thought about divorce a lot. You need to find a babysitter. start taking walks in the nice weather and make attempts to meet neighbors with kids. see if you could take turns babysitting. Hang at kid friendly coffee shops or somewhere where there is other adults. When my focus was off my husband i started feeling better, i still didn't think we were gonna work but now he is trying to hang out with me. Men are like children my husband is the same way with tv and video games. make one night a week no screen night and for goodness sake get some whipped cream!

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