Partially a deadbeat dad?

Shannelbaby1 - posted on 04/15/2017 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My partner who I have been with for almost 4 years has a child from a previous relationship. I have spoken to his ex, but we have bumped heads a lot because of her condescending and manipulative ways.. My partner and I have a daughter together. He does everything for our daughter. His ex does not allow him to see his son. Every time he makes plans, she has some lame excuse to interfere with them and make him have to reschedule. I have seen first-hand how she is with my partner. He wanted to take her to court but I am not sure where he stands today, as he hasn't seen his son or mentioned him in almost a year. It bothers me that our daughter may never be able to meet her brother. Any advice on how to cope with my feelings or anything?

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Ev - posted on 04/15/2017

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They should have taken care of this years ago in court. He can always petition the courts for custody just as much as she can. He should also document all the times he contacted her about seeing his son--date, time, what was said by both and the result of his seeing his child or not. At this point, she is alienating him from his child and he can use that in court against her.

Michaela - posted on 04/21/2017

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Just having gone through this process on the reverse side (I had my oldest daughter's biological father's parental rights terminated) different situation though (he had not even attempted contact for first five years of her life and admits "plan to establish relationship when she turned five")
It sounds like biological mother in your case could be attempting to establish grounds to terminate your partners parental rights.
IF you really want to fight for his child, you should lawyer up now and have him seek custody.
After going through the process I mentioned above for THREE YEARS (it is a LONG and STRESSFUL BATTLE), I would really take to heart the advice of Nikki Bella and consider carefully before making such a move... perhaps no relationship now is better than a forced relationship.
Should you decide to pursue this further, time is of the essence. One year with no contact is enough to terminate a parents rights.

Nikki - posted on 04/19/2017

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You should thank your lucky stars that you dont have to deal with another woman and any potential drama that comes along with it!!!!! Seriously! Its not your battle to fight, I grew up without knowing my bio brother but now were the best of friends and it all comes to light when kids get older. They'll know who did what wrong. count your blessings I wish my step daughter's bio mom wasnt so difficult to deal with. I'd trade you any day :)

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Shannelbaby1 - posted on 06/09/2017

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I titled it as such because that is how I perceive it.
I also gave details for others to understand my point of view.
I asked a question at the end for a reason.
I don't mind the advice in regards to my partner, it just wasn't what I was looking for.
Like I said, thanks to everyone who commented though.
I appreciate the responses.

Being told to "deal with it" doesn't help anything.
I know I have to deal with it. I was just wondering how to cope with the feeling of wanting my daughter to meet her brother. She's now started to ask questions. I try to be as honest as I can with her without throwing dirt on her brother's mother's name.
I'll post elsewhere to see if others have any advice,suggestions or personal experiences they'd like to share as well.

Michelle - posted on 06/03/2017

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Why would you title it "Partially deadbeat Dad?" when you didn't want advice about him?
Unfortunately, you will just have to deal with it. Pushing her will just make her more stubborn.

Shannelbaby1 - posted on 05/31/2017

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Thanks for all the responses. I don't get in between their problems. My concern is for my daughter and her brother. When I spoke to my partner's ex, it was simply to set up a day and time for our children to get to know each other. Nothing more. This is not my battle to fight. I asked for advice for me, not my partner. He has to do things the best, legal way for him.

Ev - posted on 05/13/2017

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Michelle---

Michelle:




{{Just having gone through this process on the reverse side (I had my oldest daughter's biological father's parental rights terminated) different situation though (he had not even attempted contact for first five years of her life and admits "plan to establish relationship when she turned five") }}
~~~~~I might add to this that in some states they do have a time frame if one parent has not established any kind of contact in that time frame that they can lose their rights. But not all places are like that. I have read posts in here that the father was out of the child’s life longer than five years and still got visitation. That visitation was supervised at first and then eventually went to weekend overnight visits. But you can not tell me that the mother should be able to terminate the rights of a father who is trying to see a child that the mother is not allowing him to see….she is alienating him from his son and that is not kosher in the eyes of the family court. She could lose custody for that alone to dad.
{{It sounds like biological mother in your case could be attempting to establish grounds to terminate your partners parental rights.}}

~~~~~I doubt much that is the case in this instance. It is more or less a mother that is trying to control everything where the child is concerned and since there was no mention of the man having been to court with his ex for custody, visitation or child support….in that case he has as much right as the mother to file for custody.
{{IF you really want to fight for his child, you should lawyer up now and have him seek custody. }}
~~~~~Michelle---He needs to get a lawyer. His girlfriend can not legally have say in things.
{{After going through the process I mentioned above for THREE YEARS (it is a LONG and STRESSFUL BATTLE), I would really take to heart the advice of Nikki Bella and consider carefully before making such a move... perhaps no relationship now is better than a forced relationship.}}

~~~~~I think the advice in this paragraph is wrong. The father has the right to a relationship to this child just as the mother does. It does not get forced. It gets done in stages of supervised short visits to total overnight ones.
{{Should you decide to pursue this further, time is of the essence. One year with no contact is enough to terminate a parents rights.}}

~~~~~ACTUALLY---that statement is wrong. Each state has its guidelines for no contact and some have it longer than a year and others have it shorter than that. The father in this case is trying to get visits but mom keeps keeping him from seeing the child. Since dad is trying, he does not fall in this category.


{{Also, consider the gender and age difference here... Your little girl and his older son might not be the best company for each other. You also need to realize that no matter what kind of custody agreement you get, the boy will still be greatly influenced by HIS mother, if you find her to be condescending and manipulative you can bet your buns her son will have similar qualities and/or be recruited by her against you.}}

~~~~~How do you know that the brother and sister would not be good company for each other? They are half siblings. If a slow introduction and getting to know each other phase is introduced how do you know that it won’t work out, Michelle? Mom may say things about dad but once a child starts to see what the parent they see little of is really like they can make up their own minds about things. You seem to forget that mom is trying to control things here and is using the child as a pawn. She has no rights to do that.

Ashley - posted on 04/29/2017

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I think he take her to court, see get some kinda visitation or custorys father right see his kids. unless reason. I give too wanting be part his sons life. most dad out there. dont want nothing do with there kids which is sad. so men kill see there kids. I think he should go to court.

Michaela - posted on 04/21/2017

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Family is family, so what...? We owe it to our families to endanger our children and ourselves just because they share some of the same DNA...?
Strictly from a personal perspective, family can let you down and hurt you the most.

Sarah - posted on 04/21/2017

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I disagree, while the kids may not be best buddies, family is family and worth at least knowing each other. If the father has attempted to see the child, his rights cannot be terminated without his knowledge. When an order like that gets filed, the court will notify him and he has the right to respond- if he doesn't respond that is a different matter. Courts are not so quick to end parental rights as it lifts the burden of support from the parent and often puts that burden on the public.

Michaela - posted on 04/21/2017

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Also, consider the gender and age difference here... Your little girl and his older son might not be the best company for each other. You also need to realize that no matter what kind of custody agreement you get, the boy will still be greatly influenced by HIS mother, if you find her to be condescending and manipulative you can bet your buns her son will have similar qualities and/or be recruited by her against you.

Ev - posted on 04/18/2017

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I might also add that you do not have any legal say in this. You can just be a support person to whomever you need to be there for.

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