PLEASE HELP! IM FALLING APART!

Emma - posted on 10/23/2009 ( 132 moms have responded )

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I have a 15 month old boy who i stay at home with! I love staying at home with him although he is starting to be a bit of a handfull so he goes to daycare one day a week. He is just getting over croup which is horrible, and has been really clingy and sooky. And now im starting to get sick too! His daddy, my partner, works 8 till 4.30 mon-fri. I do the cooking, the cleaning, the washing up and drying up, the vaccumning, the groceries, the dropping off and pickin up to daycare. I do everthing else too. Also, Im about to start a Bachelor of Arts at Uni (online)! Because i stay at home with our son, my partner says that it's my job to do everything around the house, he says he shouldnt have to help because he goes to work and thats all he should have to do! He never really helped before i got pregnant but i thought that things might change when bub came along. Boy, was i wrong! We have been fighting over it so much lately and its really annoying! We just finished watching a movie, then i got up and started doing the dishes. He followed me, saying he was bored and was gonna go to his mates! There is a mountain high pile of washing in the laundry, clothes to be put away and some stuff like that! He said he couldnt be bothered doing that stuff and that it is my job! I told him if he was going to go, then to not bother about coming back! He never wants to spend time with us because (quote) "You are boring and all you want to do is stay home and clean and stuff".

If he bothers coming back, can anyone help me? I need him to understand how things are not working! I love him and i dont want to loose him! I dont want our son being stuck in the middle of us fighting all the time! HELP!

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Erika - posted on 10/28/2009

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There are alot of moms on here telling you what you can do to change. What a load of crap. It is not easy staying home with a baby, never mind a colicy baby that cries all the time. I imagine it's impossible to get much done. Being a dad doesn't mean bringing home a pay check. I imagine you're worried about how the bills will get paid if you leave him. I know that working just to pay childcare sucks. That's why my husband and I decided I should stay at home. You need to put you and your son first. Are you happy? If not you need to let go. you cna't stay with someone just because you have a child. Relationships like that never work. I can only imagine what you're going through. My heart goes out to you. I truly am sorry. It sounds like you've asked for help till your face has turned blue. I really don't think he'll change. You need to weigh the pros and cons. Make a list of the positive and of the negative and then decide. You CAN do it alone. It may seem impossible but no woman ever died cause she was single. My mom did it alone with my sister and I and you can too. Believe in yourself and know that you deserve better. Your son too. Good luck sweetheart! I wish you nothing but the best!

[deleted account]

If his job is 8 - 4:30pm M-F, then so is yours. He needs to get a clue and realize your job as a mom never ends. You don't get the weekends off, nights off when your child's sick, holidays off, etc. If it's that much of a burden on you, and he's not willing to help, then get a maid to help take off the load. If that's too costly, then hubby better step up or get to stepping. Some husbands of SAHMs feel that we NEED them b/c without them, we won't have a house, food, clothes, etc. I know it's not an easy solution, but if he shows no love or respect for you and what you do, then start taking steps to show you're not completely dependent on him b/c he needs to know he's replaceable if he keeps up this nonsense. You might have to get a job and start saving just in case you're put in a position where you'll have to support yourself and your little one. Always have a plan B, and right now, hubby probably thinks you'll stick with plan A no matter what. He just needs a wake up call.

Heather - posted on 10/24/2009

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I am in a similar situation, i have a 17month old daughter, and a not so helpful hubby, however, i've started to make a routine, the first half of the day i don't do too much housework wise, maybe do a load or two of laundry, but i focus on playing with my daughter and letting her trash the place,,lol. I don't pick up as she goes, cause that's an all day job in itself, then we do lunch, since she can feed her self i have her doing the lunch thing while she's safe in her highchair i tackle cleaning the kitchen and areas where i can keep an eye on her, then after lunch i bathe her, and nap time, i have me time while she's napping, shower(if i didn't already in the morning) finish laundry, clean bathroom, make a shopping list, watch what i wanna watch,,lol... When she's done napping we do playtime again,, that brings us to snacktime, i let her have a snack again in her highchair, while she's snacking i prep supper, if i didn't do it while she was napping, so that it can be thrown in the oven whenever so it's ready in time for the hubby.. After snack time while supper's getting ready i put her in her playpen so that her mess is contained and so that she's in a safe play area, and then i focus on cleaning up her messes......Organize all of the toys and chaos that she caused that day.. By the time i'm done hubby is home dinner is done and cleaning is caught up..Meal with family, then maybe an outing together if it's not too late, or playtime again til bed time, and once she's in bed. I either pick up real quick or leave it for the morning, and spend time with the hubby.... It's all about works for you....What i do sometimes is get her into bed and leave the hubby with the baby moniter and i run to the store, do grocery shopping or run to the mall to pick up something i've wanted, although grocery shopping is kinda a chore, when ur out and by yourself it's relaxing. What might help is to make a to do list,,, like what chores you want to do, and what chores need to be done daily and which ones could be done once or twice a week.. spread it out throughout the week and it's not so overwhelming.. Maybe try to find a mommy & me group near you! Good Luck & i hope it helps.

Patti - posted on 10/24/2009

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Tell him to grow the F up and stop being an A$$!!!!!!! HAHAHA Great line!

Well it has been my experience that you can talk, chat, be sweet, fight, cajole and anything else you can think of till you are purple. It didn't help with me. I found that with men (sorry guys out there) they learn when they FEEL. So he has to be put into your shoes for a few days. Then, you don't say anything. If he isn't more helpful, then he needs to be in your shoes again. After the third try, then you can ask him for his suggestions on how to make the house run more smoothly. It is AMAZING the answers men have for things they know very little about. But sometimes they come up with the idea to . . .(insert applause here) HELP! *GASP*

Good luck with this. It is going to be an ongoing battle. Besides, the house work might be your responsibility (just for the sake of argument here) but the child is his too and he needs to be a Dad and take time with the little one so you can get stuff done. Another idea to approach him for help. "Can you watch the baby so I can (insert job here). hehe Keep us informed on your progress. :)

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Keri - posted on 11/04/2009

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wow your husband sounds pretty selfish if you ask me. I agree w/posts below-seek counseling and if he doesn't agree to that then suggest a book like "5 love languages" and if that doesn't work either then kick him out! Seriously being a stay at home mom is EXHAUSTING and it does take 2 parents to be present and to help each other out-it also teaches your son values and if he see's daddy help then he won't later do the same to some poor gal down the road-take total advantage of her! It sounds like you had these problems before baby so its been a long time coming only now its harder b/c you have baby! If you let him walk all over you then he will continue to do so and never change! Start small potatoes by giving him a list-and yourself-have him take out trash and recycle-start small and add an item on after some time-you'll likely have to praise him for such small tasks but it may help. I think counseling for sure and stay strong!

k

Aimee - posted on 11/03/2009

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I used to have the same problem with my partner. If I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling it would turn into a big fight. So I sat down and wrote him a letter. It worked and he helps me out more. I hope this helps.

Stacey - posted on 11/03/2009

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Quoting Elissa:

I know it's hard- I've been there for 6 years now. But you just have to come to a realization that he never will help. And if he never lifts a finger to help again, what will you do? Once I realized that, I knew I had to step up. The fact is, if I don't do the dishes then there won't be any clean dishes. And same with the laundry and cleaning. You'll have to learn how to do it all yourself without complaining. You can do it- I know you can!
We can't make our husbands do anything and it's very painful to try. Less stressful, actually if you stop expecting help. Then, on the rare occasion that he DOES help, it will be WONDERFUL.



I had to reply to what Elissa said to you here, I think she totally missed the point you were trying to make, You already do all the household chores and w/out a bit of help from your hubby, You have every right to complain! We ask our husbands to help out for reasons such as yours, we dont force them! We cannot "make" our husbands do anything but we can surely try to compromise and help eachother. Do not feed into replies like this, I be damned if i ever allow my husband to control me. It sounds like to me she is being somewhat controlled and she needs to snap out of it. Our husbands have wives NOT mommy's. If they want a mommy to do everything under the sun for them they need to go back home to her. We deserve respect and appreciation and if hubby's give it they get it in return. Otherwise, there's the door asshole!!

Stacey - posted on 11/03/2009

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He needs to take a walk in your shoes!! My husband helps out with dishes, sometimes he cooks, he also works 12 + hour days. He enjoys coming home to my rattled life of a sometimes messy house, laundry piles everywhere, me in my sweatpants and baggy shirt.....He plays with the kids to allow me some quiet time. We went through a difficult time when we had just the one child and i was pregnant. We talked it through and realized that each of us was feeling the same way. We neglected our needs and lossed eachother along the way. It happens and you need the tools to work it out but it takes both of you! He needs to help out also, tell him in a calm way that you did not have the kids alone, he played a big role in that!! In order to make a happy home, both of you need to work together to make it stay a happy home. He cant just run off and play and leave you with the mess every time! You should get ready before he gets home and leave the kids/house with him to go out for awhile, show him what it feels like! Then when you get back have a nice long talk about your marriage w/ kids. Im telling you sister, it is not easy being married let alone with kids. You have a job as well and you can tell him that. If he bickers then quit your job for a week and see how he likes it then. He will want it back the way it was. Children come first, but when you are having probs with the hubby, get a sitter and spend the time talking to eachother. Find out what he wants or needs from you and you tell him your feelings as well. Marriage is not only about love and having someone there, its about compromise, sacrifice, responsibilities, priorities, working together. Based on all combined plus trusting your spouse will be there always! He is supposed to be your best friend not someone you dread coming face to face. He is not thinking about the woman he married and why did he marry you? to be treated like this? i dont believe that. All marriages fall into a pit and communication usually is all it takes to get back on track! Hang in there, talk to him w/out kids around, you both need this!!

K Marley - posted on 11/03/2009

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I have a lot of problems getting my husband to g idk take his plate from the table to the sink and rinse it and then he acts like I just asked him for his left arm! Yea I know where you are coming from. them other days he cleans the whole kitchen ... I dont know what to do for you I just make sure that when I fight with my husband I wait until the kids are in bed to talk to him about it... I hope things will change for you

TaraLynn - posted on 11/03/2009

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girl, i could go off on a tangent about that one! i'vesoooo been there. add me on myspace and we can messenger ifyouwant. myspace.com/princessnoga

Elissa - posted on 10/30/2009

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I know it's hard- I've been there for 6 years now. But you just have to come to a realization that he never will help. And if he never lifts a finger to help again, what will you do? Once I realized that, I knew I had to step up. The fact is, if I don't do the dishes then there won't be any clean dishes. And same with the laundry and cleaning. You'll have to learn how to do it all yourself without complaining. You can do it- I know you can!

We can't make our husbands do anything and it's very painful to try. Less stressful, actually if you stop expecting help. Then, on the rare occasion that he DOES help, it will be WONDERFUL.

[deleted account]

Ok, after reading some of the posts...I feel like I should interject something that I think that no one ever tells women. Your first job is your home and family...everything else is second. You have not beeen relegated to stay home...you are choosing to do the job that you worked 9 months to prepare to do...to be your son's mother. I realize that being at home watching a 15 month old is slow progress..but it is your work. Get organized. Make a job chart for yourself. Everyday, schedule the tasks that you need to get done(laundry, cleaning up rooms, taking out trash, etc... make a list and check it off). Also, put on your schedule days that you and that lovely boy get outside and play, you run errands, work on a hobby, work on your degree. Get a calendar and start planning. I have been at this a long time...my oldest is almost 18. When I don't have a plan, my family doesn't run. When I do, I get along with my spouse, my kids and I really like my life. Put things on your partner. Ask him to help you with the dishes...take out the trash...take on the responsibility of your son while you go out and get a breath of fresh air. He is the other half...not the guy who just came into the picture because of a child. Remember to get him in the process. Make your own life a more organized, planned way, and you will see yourself making a difference..to you and the others you live with. TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF AND ALL OTHER THINGS WILL FALL INTO PLACE! :) All work and no play is not good for anyone. When was the last time you scheduled time to go out on a date with you guy...no baby? That needs to go on the schedule, too. If he is bored...or those are the words he is using, that may mean that he wants time with you.

Gina - posted on 10/30/2009

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Quoting Erika:

I'm very sorry. Being a SAHM is no easy task. Perhaps you can ask him nicely to help out a little bit here and there. I don't know what else to say. Best Wishes!



In theory that sounds like a good idea, but im sure she has asked nicely and that didnt work. I dont know what to say Im pretty much in the same situation. Their job ends when they come home, ours never does :(

Crystal - posted on 10/30/2009

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Just because he works doesnt mean he pitch in every now and then. Even if he just does the dishes or takes your son to the park its help and maybe you could get a weekend job something when he is off so that your working and its his responsabilities to do all the house work and cooking and diaper changing and maybe then he will realize that you need help and then maybe he will understand and you guys can talk and work things out. Good Luck...

Cellette - posted on 10/30/2009

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Hi emma

Im a stay at home mum of three,maybe if u stop doing everything for him let him do his own cooking and cleaning and just seen to yourself and your baby for awhile, it just seems you have to babies to run round after, my husband works long hours and he still helps me out when he gets home, its hard work being a home all day

i do hope things work out just tell him to pull his weight

take care !

Stacy - posted on 10/30/2009

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why not get a job working from home then you can tell him that you are bringing in the money now 2 so he can help with the things around the house my husband was the same way when we first met he was going to be the omly one working and i was going to stay home where we got into a bind one time and i did go out and get a job and he seen how much easier it was instead of him having to worry about pating everything.now we both work i work from home and he works from 8-5 everyday and everything is wonderful if interrested go to www.workfromhomeunited.com/stacyb and i'll get back with you thanks stacy

Tam - posted on 10/30/2009

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I am so sorry, perhaps you need to cut him off in the bedroom..IDK if it will work for you, but it sure did for me.. I would be like if you cant help cook dinner, since i do the dishes I wont be able to accomodate you later with what you want.. It may not work with him, cause he seems like he has checked out on the helping issue. It sounds like you are being the responsible parent doing what you should.. some men take time to adjust to being a dad.. if he does not like cleaning, does he like to spend time with your son..maybe he coudl take your son for a walk while you do the dishes.. I guess I am really lucky I have a guy who agrees that if i cook he does dishes and vice versa.. when i am sick he does it all,, and he bought me a dishwasher so we could spend more time together.. calling you boring is actually mean, and its not a good for your son to feel the tension.. perhaps you can negotiate but some men are stubborn.. have you thought of investing in paper plates etc to cut down chore time..You are doing what you are suppose to.. I hope he changes for you..not to be mean but dont have anymore kids with him until he helps you out. being a mom is the hardest job there is..and people dont appreciate the sacrifices mothers make..stay in online school, and focus on you and your son..refuse to argue with him.. sometimes ignoring a person will make them realize,, good luck.. I will pray for you..

Glenda - posted on 10/30/2009

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It really sucks that your mate isn't helping you at home. Unfortunatly there are many men who feel like they don't have to help because they go out and work and that is so unfair to us because we have the most important job of all raising our children and taking care of our homes. But not all men are like this.

Katelyn - posted on 10/30/2009

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Go on strike.. tell him to figure it out.. he will get it rather quickly... or go and stay with a friend or a parent for a couple of days.. he will have to care for your son and the house .. give him a taste.

You could also try and find a part time job if your son likes day care... working a few days a week... or find a job where you can work evenings like 5-10 and work on weekends thats what i did and my husband helps me out..

but if you don't want to do that maybe marriage counceling might help.. opening up the lines of communications is always likely to help

Jenica - posted on 10/30/2009

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wow! lmbo! im not a trying to be mean but... why do men do everything half assed?

i mean come on. the good news is he tried, the bad news is...

he needs more training!

:p

Lisa - posted on 10/29/2009

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Hi, Maybe you should try and sit him down and have a proper talk about how you feel. I'm a SAHM too and I know how you feel sometimes I get overwhelmed with all the things that need to be done, but remember your not super women and it doesn't all have to be done in a day. Maybe have set days for certain things. And maybe if things arn't being done he'll notice and want to help you. My partner does help me out a lot but I had to ask him and he was willing to do what ever I needed.

Hope this helps you and good luck!

Shawna - posted on 10/29/2009

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i deal with the stuff at the schools and at the drs. i have 3 children of my own and he has 2 we all live in the same house i do laundry and go to the schools and the dr and all of that good stuff but at the end of the day while i am helping with homework after dinner is done that i cooked he does the dishes and cleans the kitchen. then he helps me with the smaller kids and thier bathtime cause he knows my job is 24/7 and his isnt. i work just as much as he does during the day so when he gets off work so do i and we work together from that point on!!

Lisa - posted on 10/29/2009

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I'm sorry for what you are going through. I have been there. My husbands Aunt suggested we watched the movie Fire Proof. It actually did show my husband a few things in a diffrent light. It does have religon in it. My husband is not for that. But he has changed since he watched the movie. There are also news articles in many diffrent nation wide pappers that show how much a stay at home mom should make. You might want to try to find one to show him and let him do it for a week I but he wont make through the first day.

[deleted account]

Wow. Your situation is all too common. I too went through similiar situations. The only way to get through this is if there is an open line of communication and some give and take. However you both need to make time to talk to each other. I don't know if u guys even spend quality time together without the baby. I would probably guess that you got together but were not ready for the responsibility it would entail. Based on his reaction and behavior i would assume he's not use to being responsible for other people ...perhaps a young guy? based on my own experience we were young and not ready to be married with a child. My husband was frustrated because the baby changed the direction he wanted to take which was to be a rockstar, singer. Over time thru many ups and downs we eventually reached maturity and grew stronger in our relationship. ofcourse thats bcuz we tried together to work things out. We visited a marriage couselor ( worked for a bit), books, and the most permanant change came through Christianity. He became a different person through Jesus.

Mell - posted on 10/29/2009

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Remind him that you do have a job, but the pay sucks, and you don't get days off, sick leave, benefits, holiday pay, overtime pay, christma bonuses, and it would be great if you had a coworker. Also remind him that yours is a 24 hour a day 7 day a week job, And you are not supermommy. That said, I'm in that boat too, Remember you don't hve to do it all right NOW, take a break, the laundry dishes and cleanng can wait take time for yourself. Declarea day your day off, he gets to take care of the house and baby while you go do something for yourself. one day every week!!! hope this helps good luck.

Laura - posted on 10/29/2009

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oh my!! my darling...first of all no matter who " does the work" living together is a partnership. my husband was the main source of income once we moved in together once our daughter was born he ended up laid off. now we BOTGH labor over dirty diapers and laundry and searching for jobs. Men sometimes think because you carry baby you are responsible for baby....but there are mates like mine who think i carried her the first 9 months he's doing double duty to help me these next 9. the important thing is if you are not happy then TALK TO HIM alot of men are biased without knowing they are pissing you off....or hurting you. men are brought up to be provders...sometimes you have to talk them into mutual roles.

Laura - posted on 10/29/2009

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Dear Emma. I completely understand. I am a stay at home mom and go through the same thing. My husband is just starting his own business after a year of being unemployed and expects me to do everything. I just tell him straight to his face that he needs to help me out. Give our son a bath, put him to bed, unload the dishwasher, etc. I understand you feel like you are being walked over and just want 5 mins to yourself. We need our partners to help us out. We are not superwoman. I would suggest just sitting down and talking to him and telling him that you are tired of having to do everything yourself. Ask for his help, make him feel needed. Maybe you can do the dishes together to spend time together. Hope it helps. Hang in there.

[deleted account]

I know how you feel :( I work and do everything around the house, all the chores, all the errands, take care of our 20 month old and I'm 32 weeks pregnant. My husband works from 9am to 11:30pm every day, with wednesday mornings off, saturday afternoons off, and full days off on sundays. I know hes busy but dang do I feel unappreciated. He has 2 chores and thats it. Cleaning up the yard and taking the trash out and hardly does that. I'm exhausted and pretty sure I'm running on pure exhaustion, especially while being pregnant, I have no energy but still have to do everything :( It starts fights once in a while so I know what you're going through and I dont really know how to fix it either. Hes been better, helping when he can, but being alone so much and doing everything alone is really putting a lot of stress on me. Thank goodness my maternity leave is soon and I can have a break from working at least...



Hang in there, hope everything works out :)

Samantha - posted on 10/29/2009

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My fiance does the says the said the same thing to me. The only thing he really does is take out the garbage but that's only because I'm not able to carry it all the way down the stairs and across the parking lot. Finally I told him that it wasn't right. He gets to have time off, so I should too since he said that being a house-wife was my "job." That made him realize that he needed to step in a little bit. And he does. He even takes the baby with him when he goes to a friend's house so that I can have some time to relax and not go crazy. It also really helped when I was in the hospital a bit because I had surgery. He suddenly had to do everything and started to appreciate what I do. I hope my experience can help you. Men just need something to "slap them in the face" so to speak. Good luck.

[deleted account]

I sorta understand how you feel. I do everything around the house too. The cooking, cleaning, laundry, payin gthe bills, balancing the accounts, taking care of the little one. I get stressed out sometimes and my fiance tells me that not everything has to be done in one day. I feel as though if i take one day off the house will be covered in filth with dirty laundry. I also feel inadequate if not everything is done. I get upset when i don't have dinner ready for him or lunch. He tells me that all i have to do is take care of the baby (who is 5 weeks old). The only difference is that if i ask him to do something he will b/c he knows that i've reached my max to ask for help; also he goes to work from 5:00 am - 12:30 pm mon-fri and then he has an additional job that he works another 30 hrs per week. On most days from 3:00 pm- 10:30 pm. I would suggest that you only clean your stuff if possible and only do the laundry for only yourself and the baby. Hang in there and be strong!!!

Brandy - posted on 10/29/2009

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I know it is hard on you but one thing I do know is you are not going to change him if he is not helping out now he never will hope and pray for the best for you

Cindy - posted on 10/29/2009

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Been there, done that, my dear. The other thing you need to consider is that do you really want your son growing up thinking he also treat women like that? My grandson is 19 mos old and he comes home from weekends with his dad copying his awful behavior. His dad recently took in a puppy and now my grandson imitates his dad by hitting pictures of dogs, stuffed animals, etc. Maybe you should keep a list of all the things you do each day and mark off the ones you need help with. Instead of assuming he will help, explain that there simply isn't enough hours in the day, or stamina inside you to be the best mom you can be to your son and get all this done solo. Ask him if he could take on even a few, and if he does, make sure you tell him how much you appreciate his help. If this doesn't work, remind him that if he wants breakfast in bed, he can sleep on the kitchen floor! LOL

Janel - posted on 10/29/2009

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I had the same issues. It is so hard when you feel or are made to feel that you are responsible for everything around the house. I found that I never really asked my husband for help. I either said nothing (because he should know when I needed help, right?) or I demanded he do something to help me. I found it very beneifical to sit down with my husband (when he was in a good mood, hint, hint) and explained how much you need his help. See if he would be willing to divide duties so that you don't feel so overwhelmed. Another thing that helped was going out for the day or weekend with friends and he had to take care of the baby. I don't think they realize what you do every single day until they experience it for themselves. If that doesn't work, maybe couseling would be an option. Things do get better and you are not alone. Hang in there. He needs to realize that with his help you can be a better mother as well as a better lover.

Michelle - posted on 10/29/2009

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My husband and I are still working on that. My husbands not quite that bad but he thinks all the cooking, cleaning, etc is my job along with most of the child rearing and dog care. Very rarely does he help. "Challenge" him to trade with you for a day if he won't then I suggest stop doing his laundry for a while see if he gets the point. Either way you need to talk to him. If he's in the relationship he needs to respect you and he needs to step up and help. It takes a while but it can get better. He needs to grow up and be a part of the family and not just a roommate.

Angela - posted on 10/29/2009

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When he gets home, try to have the house cleaned and a nice dinner ready and maybe find a babysitter for your baby. Then have a nice dinner and a nice date night and then calmly talk it over with him. Let him know how much you love him and admire all he does for the family, but that you need some extra help. What I have done with my husband is assign him one chore he has to do a day. It's his job to wash dishes. I clean everything else and take care of my baby and get meals prepared, but it is his job to do dishes. That has helped me tremendously! Good luck!! I will pray for you!

Sabrina - posted on 10/29/2009

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I am in the same shoes girl! They just don't understand. They would be fine living in the filth. I have two kids and am also going to school (online) only difference is my significant other works out of town two to three weeks at a time so I have learned to be a single parent with him "visiting" as I like to call it. He doesnt help when he is home so I avoid the fights and just do it myself. Sorry I couldn't be much help. Just talk to him he and if he cares he will help out with things. :)

Jen - posted on 10/29/2009

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You need to enter wife swap with me!!! Haha. he would want to jump off a bridge when I got done with him. Just kidding...but my husband and I are a team. He works 5AM and get home around 5PM then jumps in to help with the kids and some cleaning. Get a schedule together and ask him to be a part of the routine that you need to set forth. Laundry at my house gets done daily otherwise I would be crazy so at least one load a day. I mop at least once or twice a week with 3-4 day of vacuuming. As far as bathrooms and kitchen that is daily clean up...sometimes I even ask my husband to take the kids to the park on a weekend and then I just do a major cleaning if I have slacked during the week. This is rare but does work. He needs to get on board and a visual usually helps men. Good luck.

Heather - posted on 10/29/2009

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I'd tell him that he helped create your child so he needs to help raise it! Perhaps put the little dude in daycare a few more days a week and get a part time job? I'm a stay at home as well and I do all the chores and 'woman' duties but my husband has NEVER told me I'm boring or lame because of it. I wouldn't listen to that one bit! Sounds like you two need a sit down so you can get down to the root of the problem or seek counseling at your church or perhaps look in the phone book for counseling services if you cannot figure it out on your own. But if he doesn't respect you at all, your child will pick up on that and feel stressed. Perhaps that's why he's so clingy? I made an agreement with my hubby for me to take one night off a week. I get one evening where he will take our 15mo old girl and play with her or whatever and I get to do whatever I want for a few hours, baby free. Works great, my hubby gets days off from work so why not me right? Kudos to you for starting a degree as well!

[deleted account]

therapy either through yor religious affliliation, a licensed therapist or even group therapy- you both need a safe and neutral place to discuss these things

Colette - posted on 10/29/2009

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Emma, some men will never value how much work it is to be @ home with a child (let alone a student as well!!!)

Judi - posted on 10/29/2009

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My hubby helped "clean-up" yesterday, He took everything that he didn't want in the fridge out and hid it around the kitchen and dining area, do it yourself, it's easier than cleaning up after they've helped.

Jenica - posted on 10/28/2009

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go to couples counseling. it takes two to make a child and have a relationship. hopefully that will help. fighing in front of your child is never a good thing especially if the other person is making negative comments about you. or threatining you. if he refuses the next step would be to move on. being a mom is hard enough. you dont need a shmuck that doesnt respect you as a woman a mother or a partner adding to the stress.











my husband used to be the same way. until we seperated and i moved out. he currently cooking and cleaning doing his own laundry. and then tells me he appericiates all i did and apologizes for his actions.

Tia - posted on 10/28/2009

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i am also a stay at home mom and at first that is how i was feeling too. i do the cooking, cleaning and doing online courses. maybe u can write a list of stuff u do and show him that u dont need to be taken for granted. it took two to make a baby. it is so exhausting after a day of taking care of kids. i hope things get better. it took a while for my hubby but he has his own chores and sticks with it. sometimes u have to enforce it though. but ure child should be first in your life. husbands u can replace but ure children are yours forever.

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Seems you need more alone time and time to be with your partner alone. I used to feel guilty when I dropped my kids off at my Mom's, but I realize everyone deserves a break. Maybe during your alone time you can better discuss your feelings. My husband works and I am permanently laid off, but he still does all the yard work, helps with buying groceries and housework as well, without being asked. I try to keep house, and pack his food for work. I hope you can work out your differences. My last husband thought I should work 2 jobs, and take care of the kids and do all house/yard work. He thought his 8hrs/day was enough contribution. Good luck to you:)

Heather - posted on 10/28/2009

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I am sorry that you are going through this! I am a stay at home mom and I have a 17 months old baby girl to! When I first brought the baby home I was breast feeding so he don't have to do all the late night or middle of the night getting up! I was very mad because he would come in from his 8-5 Monday tru Friday job and start on me because the house was not clean and he don't have any cleaned cloths or the dinner was not fixed! I put up with it till about five months ago and then I packed up her and my stuff and left no one knew that I did but my mother and father. He finally called me two days later and we talked. When I come home he was a very different person and he had started doing a lot more. He did tell me that he was sorry but he also said that he was sorry for thinking that I was not doing any thing because my job was never done! He has also started letting me take a hour a day for myself!

I really hope that things will get better! I can understand that you don't want him in the middle of you and him fighting because my husband grow up in a divorce family and he hates to think that his child would do that. I am going to type this but please don't take it the wrong way please!!! But if you believe in God start praying hard about it and I will to and God will take care of you and that baby!!!!!!

Tricia - posted on 10/28/2009

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On his day off get up early and leave him with your son, and stay gone all day. Let him get a little taste of what you do in a day.

April - posted on 10/28/2009

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You know what I tell my husband? I tell him that taking care of our son and helping me around the house is his SECOND job. There are people out there at hold down 2 or 3 jobs whether they have kids or not. It takes 2 to get pregnant, so he needs to share some of that responsibility with you.

Kassy - posted on 10/28/2009

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I agree with Amanda My Husband works 14 days straight 12 hours shifts and has a two hour drive one way....then comes home and does anything I need without complaint......he stays really tired and still never complains.....I guess because he loves us..sometimes I will put the clean clothes on the bed until he gets home so he can watch our newborn and I can fold them, needless to say sometimes I just dont get to it and usually he will go ahead and fold them.....its usually not the way I like it done but atleast he tries ya know

Meghan - posted on 10/28/2009

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I here ya!! i've been a stay at home for 5 yrs, I have 3 little boys all 16 mnths apart, when my youngest was born they were all under 3!! talk about feeling overwhelmed~ like most boys they have an extremely high amount of energy & have become very fresh & aggressive recently. my hubby like yours, always expected that I do EVERYTHING!!! and then some~ feeling very burnt out and depressed I decided to go back to school to try and find who I was again. It helped so much, then my husband got laid off about 8 mnths. ago, he stays home collects unemplyment and still expects me to do all the childcare& cleaning. I resent him so much and we have become more like roomates than husband& wife! the days I have school he has to watch our 2 youngest, but soon as I walk through the door, it's all on me~ I know it's effecting our boys, they copy his negative behavior, call me names etc. it makes me so sad to think of of splitting up our family but I can't stand this life together anymore!! sorry to rant aboout my own problems, just know you are not alone!!! good luck & take care~

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to me honey thats not a real dad or husband. I think he should help you cause it takes to to make a baby an two to help raise it. You need a break from time to time. My husband cant wait to get home to see our little boy he loves him to death an helps me out. Try having just a night with just you an your husband. Just talk to him an let him know how you feel an whats on your mind but dont turn it into a fight. Cause your little one can pick up on things even though he's just little

Lindsay - posted on 10/28/2009

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I think you should try and see ihs side of it. He can't understand what you do everyday, but you can't understand what he goes through at work everyday. Don't argue with him so much and try to pick and choose your battles. Decide what's really important. Now, if he's not spending any quality time with the baby, that's another story.. I just don't think he should have to do the housework if he is the one that provides the house.. I hope I don't sound rude, that's not my intention. Just trying to give advice to help you argue less.

Melissa - posted on 10/28/2009

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Ok first of all I am sorry that this is going on. I have the same issue with my husband. We are military though so I am constantly having to do everything alone because he is always gone. So when he is home I feel he should be apart. We did marriage counseling which I would recommend to you. One of the things the marriage counselor did was had me leave our son home with my husband for a weekend with a list of all that is supposed to be done. Just your regular chores nothing extra. The challenge is if he can do all of that and take care of the baby then u stop complaining and keep doing what you do. But if he cant accomplish everything then you get to sit down and work it out to where he helps out with a couple things. He does work too so remember that and dont overload him. I have medical issues that keeps me in constant pain so I hate folding laundry. So our compromise was I will wash dry and put away if he could fold. He takes out the trash and feeds the dogs and he helps out with dinner dishes. He also bathes our son on bath days. I guess u can tell who won the challenge huh lol. I hope this helps you out. Just hang in there. It does take time. My son is gonna be two in two months and this just started happening so dont get discouraged.

[deleted account]

Register yourself for a scrapbooking weekend away. Leave a simple detailed list of what you would expect from yourself for a similar period of time (except a weekday period - say, wednesday thru thursday) and LEAVE!

Enjoy yourself. Do NOT call home.

When you do come home, bring home some pick up dinner, a movie, a board game for you 2? And, don't do any work that night. Let it all sit.

never fight in front of kids. keep a journal. write down your frustrations in a journal or blog 'em! Join a Bible study with childcare. Enjoy studying something besides the predicament you're in. Enjoy fellowship.

Your time will come.

As your son gets older, YOU get to create the chore lists. YOU get to teach your little man how you WISH your man would act. (never ever speak your private thoughts aloud, however, these little ears hear everything and repeat it all verbatim whether you want them to or not)

This is the true kicker. You will get the last laugh. And hopefully a sweet daughter in law that appreciates all your hard work. ;) here's to hoping for the best!

My hubby is *($)@ when it comes to helping out around the house. Not my problem. I take care of myself and meet my emotional needs thru women. And use FLY lady to get thru the rest.

He's right. He doesn't have to help. You don't have to wash his clothes. You don't have to wash his dishes. You don't have to fix him meals or buy his groceries. If you want to go that route, you can. I used to pick up his dirty clothes and shoes and place them directly on his side of the bed to leave a message, ha. And buy yourself a nice book to read to boot (hardcover even). (okay, maybe not. that book i just passed up was over $25!!!) All you can do is take care of yourself, and do the best to take care of your family.

If this man "bothers to come back" do not reprimand him for being who he is. He never knew he had to take care of us in so many ways. Look at how his dad provided for him. My husband's dad provided him with money and a horrible sense of humor. He did nothing for my husband's mom - and she raised them 4 kids without any help from him at all. He would leave for 10 days to 3 months and come home for short periods in between offering her little more than dirty laundry and menu requests.

Do not get mad at him for being who he is. that is a frustrating, lonely path to follow. Take care of yourself. What is it YOU need, and how can you meet that need?

Right now is a hard time with 15 month old boy since he's probably running and you wish you could run again. This was when I started visiting the park a lot. Not for them, but for me to remember what it felt like as a kid, to care of nothing but having fun. Buy a cheap simple kite. You don't need wind. Just rig that sucker up and run as fast as you can. Other kids at the park will beg you for the chance to fly your silly kite. It can be really fun.

So there will still be dishes and laundry and unmet emotional needs when you get home. Oh well. There is still dust and mold, too.

Things won't work.

But things continue.

BTW - if you do leave for the weekend and leave him a fairly scheduled structured list and he does NONE of it, don't mention it. Don't do it during the weekend. Wait till he's gone back to work, then pretend you have become a strange sweet fairy (maybe even put on a fairy costume, it's almost halloween, why not) and get it all done. But do not mention it to him. His weaknesses do not have to become yours.

You might never make him become a better partner, daddy, whatever. But think to yourself of the women who have inspired you to think nice things about moms, aunts, grandmas - have they ever depended on others' meeting their expectations? or did they just get it there, shut up, and get it done?

There are A LOT of women where you are right now. Surround yourself with the ones who are making it work positively (and eliminate those that are married to the "perfect man" that does everything around the house in addition to working fulltime. Sheesh. Nobody needs that type of help around - unless that woman is going to get your work done for you!)



best of luck! Really. YOu CAN get thru this - your little boy will be a cub scout soon! Look around - tiger scouts is SO much fun!!!

Shannon - posted on 10/28/2009

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That's tough. You need the support. Your job is taking care of your son, not taking care of ALL domestic responsibilities.

I have a husband who works all day AND comes home will cook dinner, do dishes, help bath kids, etc. I don't know what I would do without him.

One thing you could try is having him stay home with your son alone for 48 hours or over a weekend and see how he manages. This typically seems to work. I've got several friends who have had the same experience as yours and time alone with the kids and house work seems to do the trick. If anything, it helps husbands understand more of what we go through on a daily basis.

Men really need to get out of this frame of mind that because we are at home all day we should do EVERYTHING. Having a wife who is a stay-at-home mom is not a free ticket to ride.

IMO, if you live under the same house, you're part of a team. Everybody pitches in to get done what needs to be done for the best of all in the family.

Maybe you could tell him that you wouldn't be so boring if he helped around the house, that way you would have time to do stuff with him.

All the best!

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