Anny - posted on 09/02/2012 ( 24 moms have responded )
I really am stuck as to what to do. I have been married since 1990 to the one man almost 10 years younger and we have three sons together. I was naive in thinking I would somehow manage to continue an acting career while being a mum and even naiver to think my toy boy bf would step up to the mark as a husband and provider. I should have known better but I would never change a thing because I love our three sons now aged 22, 19 and 18 and I am very proud of them and very close to them. Poverty kept our marriage together but mainly our both refusing to leave our children but when the boys were very young I was mother and father to them both because their dad was too young to really appreciate them but in his defence I will say he was a gentle father when he did spend time with them he was loving and very loyal as far as he did continue to work even though in very low paid job to keep providing for us. Trouble is he turned to alcohol to cope and it became a problem in our relationship with outbreaks of violence usually when the kids were asleep- thank goodness! But enough to send me to women's refuges several times. Then when he was sober he would go to work as usual and be meek and mild, almost like I was his mother and he had been naughty.
Sorry to make this sooooo long winded but unless I explain it all I will probably not make much sense. So needless to say I became very unhappy, resentments grew on both sides and at one point I had an affair after he had an emotional one with his boss during my second pregnancy. I had my affair years later when I was 37 but it was short lived and I admitted all. Even before that we had stopped sleeping in the same room as each baby I had I breastfed and was only one to get up through the night exhausted- finally it was easier for me to sleep alone.
Now we have not slept in same room for 18 years and not had sex for 2 years. He no longer is violent with me but swears at me or ignores me and we generally act like we hate each other even when not fighting. But because we live on a big beautiful farm I inherited from my mother the boys all sleep in the house as do I and he sleeps in an outhouse he made specially for himself so we spend little time together. However half the farm is under mortgage and his job doesn't cover the repayments. As much as I love this place I don't want to risk losing my mother's inheritance by defaulting on payments and try as I might I can't find a job at 52 and I suffer anxiety because have kind of lost myself over the years. My eldest has recently left home to live at University mainly because he can't stand the tension between his parents. Our other two sons are happy to stay but wish the ugliness between mother and father would get sorted out.
I don't know what to do from one day to the next! I don't want to be selfish and sell the farm when clearly it is a lucky place to have IF we can hang on to it. But what is the point of a beautiful family farm if the parents hate one another?
My husband wants the farm the most because he never in his wildest dreams could own such a thing without my inheritance and yet he blames me for not having a job to help with repayments.
I have been MOTHER and FATHER through all the boys young years and even to this day, teaching them to drive, helping them with first bank account and all other things they need to get them ready to adulthood. And they love their dad as much as me but they are not as close to him because he has not invested the time- NOW they are older he is trying to be a teenager again with them which is winning them over quite a bit and I'm left in the kitchen cleaning up after all their new bonding time. But I am miserable and I feel like soon all my boys will have left home and I will be too old and scared as I feel now to make a bold move. If I did leave my kids may never forgive me for selling the farm and maybe won't ever visit me. I love my sons sooo much but I know my unhappiness is getting in the way of moving forward. HELP- what to do?