ready to leave husband

Leesa - posted on 10/03/2012

do not leave your husband or your marriage. marriage is work, but it pays off in the end. just ask folks who have been married for decades....its not always roses! work on your anger and loving and forgiving YOURSELF and him. make him a nice dinner and invite him in and then work on wooing him back into the bedroom. in other works, take the high road! its the best road to take. pretend like you two get along and guess what? pretty soon that will be your reality. a lie told over and over becomes reality, and you can quote me on that. make a list of all the things you love about him and become obsessed with that list.

Tracy - posted on 09/26/2012

If you don't do whats right for you its just teach your son that its ok to act the way there father does and you don't want that.

Veronica - posted on 09/25/2012

You need to work on your marriage. You need to do this for yourself, and for your kids. The deepest need for a woman is to feel loved, and it is going to create huge emotional hurt for you that only gets worse. I know what you mean about being a father to your boys, but unfortunately you will never fill that role for them. A boy whether he wants to or not looks up and idolizes his father, and when your kids see that crap going on between you two, you can bet your sons will turn out to be crappy husbands/fathers themselves.



Now the deepest need for your husband is to feel respected by YOU. If perhaps you come to him with a humble attitude, he will sit down and listen to your ideas about the emotional pain your boys have undoubtedly gone through watching your poor marriage as they have grown, and that they need to know it is not healthy and normal. I think it would be good for the two of you to sit down with them and appear to be on a team when you say "I am sorry you guys have had to see this growing up, you never should have and it wasn't right blah blah"



You MIT be hating this advice but the fact is that it starts with your marriage, and ends with it. I recommend that you get the book "the love dare" AND DO THE WHOLE THING. IT WON'T HURT TO TRY, it can only help!!

I will send you my copy if you can't afford it!

Parent247 - posted on 09/25/2012

I have only one word for you - SUBMIT.



You are the woman, and he is the man. You need to find out what he wants and JUST DO IT. It will make him happy, and then maybe he will do things to make you happy. Don't do it for that reason though or he will feel it. Your job is to listen to his wants, needs and desires - and then fulfill them. You say you haven't had sex in 2 years? Is he ok with this? Have you at least been pleasuring him in other ways (oral sex, or even a hand massage - wanting nothing in return). Are you keeping the house clean? The laundry done? Keeping him fed?



You sound like a terrible wife, especially considering the affair you had - which only proves that you think of yourself first - when you should ALWAYS be thinking of HIM FIRST!



You get what you deserve - my man and I have been together for 40 years and I still give him anything he wants, whenever he wants it. I know my place, and you should learn yours!

Suzanne - posted on 09/22/2012

Dear Anny,



I always go through the Circle of Mom news letter rather quickly, but somehow, your words drew me to reading your note and the various replies. For some reason, I just could not log in to send you a response. So I quit and went back to reading my other emails. The email below is one that I received and I must send it to you. Never give up Anny, Jesus Loves You. You were married to your husband for a particular reason that only our Lord knows why. We have been sent to this earth for a reason ...... Dont give up and read below. Prayer will take you where no Man can.



Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.



When I was a little boy, my mother used to embroider a great deal. I would sit at her knee and look up from the floor and ask what she was doing. She informed me that she was embroidering. I told her that it looked like a mess from where I was. As from the underside I watched her work within the boundaries of the little round hoop that she held in her hand, I complained to her that it sure looked messy from where I sat.

She would smile at me, look down and gently say, “My son, you go about your playing for a while, and when I am finished with my embroidering, I will put you on my knee and let you see it from my side.”

I would wonder why she was using some dark threads along with the bright ones and why they seemed so jumbled from my view. A few minutes would pass and then I would hear Mother’s voice say, “Son, come and sit on my knee.” This I did only to be surprised and thrilled to see a beautiful flower or a sunset. I could not believe it, because from underneath it looked so messy. Then Mother would say to me, “My son, from underneath it did look messy and jumbled, but you did not realize that there was a pre-drawn plan on the top. It was a design. I was only following it. Now look at it from my side and you will see what I was doing.”

Many times through the years I have looked up to my Heavenly Father and said, “Father, what are You doing?” He has answered, “I am embroidering your life. ” I say, “But it looks like a mess to me. It seems so jumbled. The threads seem so dark. Why can’t they all be bright?”

The Father seems to tell me, “‘My child, you go about your business of doing My business, and one day I will bring you to Heaven and put you on My knee and you will see the plan from My side.”



God bless you,

Suzanne



P.S. God will show you the way - probably through your kids, through the angels that he will continue to send you, or .................... He is watching over you, just pray and leave the rest to him. God bless you all.

Anny - posted on 09/18/2012

vey wise advice Heather, thanks.

Heather - posted on 09/17/2012

I have an idea. It may seem so simple compared to your complex relationsips with your husband and children, but it worked for my family. It seems like as of right now in time you are suffering from past pain. Try looking at your day simply in the moment. Forget all the hurt of your past together. If you look at your hubby spending time with his sons and making a mess which you clean up.... Take a moment. Isn't this exactly what uou wanted? You say he wasn't there for so many years, you should be happy now thathe is becoming closer with his children. Set aside your angry thoughts of he left all the hard part for you. He is there now! You may be surprised to find out he is staying there because he loves you guys and he doesn't know how to cope with pain either (by living in his own little space). Take it slow and try talking these thongs out with him directly. If you can express your feelings just as calm and rational as you have in your post, you guys have a real good chance of hearing each others pain and trying to do something for each other rather than focus on what about me. I know that seems a little too submissive in todays independent "you don't have to take that crap" society, but what if he heard you and then you heard his side of his pain over the years? What if yall discover this deep love that you have been ignoring through all your pain wondering why is this happening to me? After all this time, you both owe it to each other to just lay it all out there and see what happens. I don't see a better way to find an answer to "should I give up now after all this time"?

Anny - posted on 09/13/2012

Thanks Tiffany- you are the voice I listen to when things get bad! I need a job first so I'm getting some training and will put farm on market early next year if my gut tells me things have not greatly improved.





PS: unrelated- I never knew this when my my boys were babies but apparently it is dangerous to feed infants honey! I found out today while searching difference between organic honey and normal honey. Apparently both honey and seafood can cause botulism in infants so that is no good! Be careful.

Tiffany - posted on 09/13/2012

Leave! You only live once. You are the boys mom, they won't hate you. If you have been there for them , they will be there for you. They are old enough to know the truth of why you are leaving. It's your turn to be happy. You made the sacrifice to stay while they were growing up now they can sacrifice the farm for their mothers happiness. if you're that scared they'd hate you then sit down talk to them see how theyd feel. Honestly it might upset them but if it's add bad add you say it is they won't be in shock of you leave. Go Getty a job now before you leave or even if you don't it'll get you away. Good luck

Anny - posted on 09/13/2012

Everything I am reading here is valid on all sides of the coin. But it is a recession and the farm will not sell for what it is worth and in the meantime there have been some surprising changes since my post. First , my husband has stopped drinking for fear of a pancreas attack !! He is literally off the booze since day after I made this post because he said he was getting terrible stomach pains and remembers a few years back when he was in hospital for same thing. Of course he is a much easier and nicer person when he is SOBER. Second , our eldest son came back home for a visit from Uni and he surprised me with an impromptu talk in front of me and his brothers to his dad saying things like"why do you continue to drink and smoke, is it to put up a barrier between you and mum?" and "why don't you make the necessary changes as well as spend more time on your marriage? you have to spend time with our mum to ever get along.." I WAS SO SHOCKED! and then he started behaving a little differently and not treating me like a stranger he'd prefer to avoid or fight.

Of course, underneath all of that everything is the same but those two things esp the alcohol are giving me a sense of relief until the end of the year when our youngest finishes high school.

In the meantime, I continue to monitor the situation but now am focusing on myself and getting work so that I will be better prepared and even if by some miracle we become half way close or just good friends, I will have found an independence and start to live again.



Thanks again all of you.

Candice - posted on 09/11/2012

You children will understand, I was in a similar situation, I would bet odds that your boys not only will understand but will help you pack. It is a very unhealthy situation for you. Abuse isn't limited to being hit. He is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusing you as well. Cut your loses dear and find who you are and go find your happy! Your boys will be there be honest with them and your self

Anny - posted on 09/11/2012

Oh my goodness, I didn't expect anymore replies but it is late here so I will read them carefully tomorrow. Thank you all very much.

Kimberly - posted on 09/10/2012

I think you are doing the right thing by starting with counseling see where that takes you and maybe get him involved with it down the line! If he is not willing to try then I would say at that point give in the towel and make the changes you need to, to be happy once again! He basically has checked out emotionally many years ago! Your kids are old enough to understand and I'm sure they see all the tension in the house. Sit and talk to them and tell them what you are thinking of doing and get there opinions you may be surprised!

Melissa - posted on 09/09/2012

I have to agree with Dusty. To me marriage is a live long commitment that takes a daily choose from both sides to put the work and effort into making it a great. Before throwing away 22 years of marriage at very least seek out some counseling, see if you both can work through all that you've been though and all the painful feelings together. Simply having a positive mindset can make a huge difference as well, think and speak into your husbands the live the man you want him to be (in a loving caring way not a condescending way). If you think, focus, and speak negative that's what's going to come in your life. If you want to be happy choose to be happy, think happy thoughts, tell yourself your happy and focus on the good in your life, no one else can take your happiness away from you. I know it's human nature to think you have to be put first to be happy, but honesty in my life I am most happy when I am putting my kids and my husband first, making them happy and supporting them brings me true joy and makes for a much happier family. When I start thinking about myself and getting upset that I'm not getting what I want or that I don't have time for my things because I'm too busy worrying about my husband and my kids that's when I'm by far the least happy and when I really examine things I have to say that's also when I'm really not taking care of my husband and kids and not supporting them because my heart isn't in it and then the whole house starts to get full of tension. Just things to think about and I really really encourage you to seek out some marital counseling to work through everything together.

Connie L - posted on 09/09/2012

Your story of your husband and your life together is the description of my life with my husband. My husband is five years younger then me and we have been married since 1990 and have a daughter and two son's together. We sleep in separate bedrooms(by my choice) I am 52 years old and resent my husband for a lot of things, he didn't make my life easy at all. I know what you been through and the emotional pain of being mother and father to your kids. I have always been the stronger parent and the main provider. I am going to give you some great advice alright? Do not give that farm to your husband, it's your family farm and it belongs to you and your kids. If anything you should have a will drawn up and give it to your kids, just put a stipulation in the will stating if anything happens to you, The husband can live on the farm until he dies or re-marries in those two cases the kids would be awarded the farm. Your husband has weighed you down all through the relationship, he has blamed you for everything that goes wrong in his life, He doesn't want to grow up and take responsibility for his own faults.You don't owe this man anything and please don't allow him to make you feel like you do.My husband also was an alcoholic, he has been sober now for three years, Who do you think gets the blame for his addiction? Yes, his family along with my husband blames me. All problems my husband faced all through his miserable life was all blamed on me. Why? Because my husband is spoiled. His mother and father allowed him to throw tantrums and always gave him his way, I just didn't see this when I married him. Although my mother did, but she passed away in 2008. She was so right about my husband. I have realized that my husband always made me feel guilty for being older then him. He made me feel like I owed him something because if he wouldn't have married me, maybe his life would have been better. That stopped after many of years feeling like I was the bad guy in this relationship.I stopped giving in and I also stopped trying to make him happy so my kids and I would be happy. That doesn't work. The whole time you are trying to make everything good for him your keeping a lot of emotional anger towards him inside of you. Then everything festers into resentment. I know, I lived it. Your trying to make everyone happy, but you. Don't you think it's time for you? It's time to put your needs first and not allow your husband to make you feel guilty and feeling like you owe him something? You owe this man nothing. You owe yourself and you deserve a life of being happy. I have been there and still am, but I'm going to be happy. I hope I helped in some small way.

Dusty - posted on 09/09/2012

I guess I'll be the one to disagree with the others here. And I am sure I'll hear much backlass, we live as we live in a society when marriage is so easily tossed aside. My husbands parents divorced with he and his brother were both past the age of eighteen, after 21 years (as long as I've been married to him) his family dynamics and still difficult to deal with. My husbands father hasn't ever met my youngest son who will soon be five. 22 years of marriage is quite a lot of time to just throw away. From your explaination even though you felt justified in your actions, you still have done things that have caused your husband pain. I can tell you from living throught loss of job myself. I can do great damage to a man to be out of work. It also sounds like your children have always been put before your husband, which could have also added to his distress. An emotional affair is not the same as a sexual affair. My mom always used to say two wrongs don't make it right. We It appears that your huaband has several issues, alcoholism, anger issues, and depression. I think that you owe it to your marriage to try and seek help for your marriage and help for your husband. You somehow managed to stick it out all this time, 22 years is a lot to throw away. Marriage is a choice, love and commitment is a choice. It seems as if the easy thing to do here is just leave, but you should as least try the marriage counseling before you determine there is nothing left to save. My mother in law often looks back at her divorce with much regret and says that the grass is not always greener on the other side. It has been difficult even in my own relationship but there is great reward here if you can work things out and stay. Maybe you and your husband can work together it save your farm. A common goal.

Tracie - posted on 09/08/2012

Life is too short to spend it this miserable. It sounds like there is nothing left of your marriage. I suggest getting the divorce and renting out one or more rooms in the farm house to make ends meet. Any boys at home over age 18 should also be paying rent.



If that's still not enough to keep the farm, then I'm sorry to say it's not enough to keep the farm. If you sell it, you should have enough equity to buy a small place that you can afford without stress. You've done a great job raising your boys. You love them and they love you and selling the farm isn't going to change that.



Imagine yourself living in a small but comfortable place with a man who loves and values you. Isn't that something worth working toward?



Best of luck to you.

Anny - posted on 09/04/2012

Thanks Moms! You have all been really sweet with your comments, it has helped me a lot.

I'm starting out by going to a councillor to try and regain my self confidence and

work from there. You are right Roxanna I am an artist, I make puppet shows for kids or did when the boys were small and now I am getting work again in that ....but guess who I make puppets and sets with!? you guessed it.hmmm I sound like a very weak and whinging woman when I read back my question and I think seeing that makes me see where I am going wrong while the kindness of strangers gives me hope. Thanks again *hugs*

Cynthia - posted on 09/04/2012

You can also kick ur husband out and rent the lil house out...i understand keeping your property for the future of your kids and their family one day...Happiness is very important too and it seems like its time for YOU to be happy im sure your kids will understand any decision you make you deserve to be happy...have faith and life will be filled with happiness :)

Roxanna - posted on 09/03/2012

So there is no intamicy between you, he treats you badly and he lives on the property, but not in the main building? Ma'am, I'm sorry, but he needs to go! As far as more income, find out if people want the Alpacas at childrens parties or teach horseback riding. You are an Artist, delve into your creativity and you can find something!

Your husband does not deserve the Farm!

Anny - posted on 09/02/2012

Thanks Kristin, yes the one who works does pay rent and the 18 yr old is still finishing final year of school. But we are still a couple hundred short and I feel my husband should at least bring in full-time wage before I go out and supplement his income.

Anny - posted on 09/02/2012

Thanks for the reply MIchelle. I wonder what I will do if my husband starts earning more and/or I get a job in town...even if our marriage remains on the rocks I'm not sure what I will do because scared of splitting up family and losing this place for next stage when grandkids come along. I hate the thought of my grown kids and their families having to visit separate places and not having grand place as this for grandchildren to enjoy. If I leave it means finding homes for two horses, 9 alpacas and four dogs.

Kristin - posted on 09/02/2012

Ask the boys are are with u for help. they r at the age where they should be working and paying u rent to live there. I'm sure u would be rehashed to do this but if u want to keep the house, everyone needs to pitch in.

Michelle - posted on 09/02/2012

If you are that unhappy sell the farm and move somewhere that you can get a job any job that will pay the bills and put food on your table. Your kids are grown they know the two of you are miserable so this will not come as a shock to them, the reality is you can't afford to keep the place so downsize to something you can. Keep the memories and let the farm go.