Rude friend-Am I just being pregnant or would you be offended too?

Amy - posted on 06/06/2012 ( 106 moms have responded )

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So my friend is pregnant with her 4th baby. She has aborted the 3 previous pregnancies. She decided to keep this one as she is 31 and feels this may be her only chance to have a baby. She does not know who the father is, and she is moving in with her mpm to raise the baby as a single parent.
To help her feel not alone in the preggo club, and to share my news, I told her about my 3rd baby I'm expecting recently. I am very happily married, and also have a 7 year old, and 9 month old so yes the younger 2 will be close apart.
Given her history, and my current lifestyle, I was all but shocked and certainly offended when she replied to my news via text message exactly as follows verbatim: "Wow! Conrats! 3 is a lot, maybe get sterilized after that?"
Is it just me, or is that rude, tactless, and coming from someone who has no room at all to speak on the subject?
I would love your thoughts ladies.... thanks! :)

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106 Comments

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Tracy - posted on 06/19/2012

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WOW!!! Rude and uncalled for!! Confront her on her reply and let her know that speaking to you like that will NOT be tolerated.

Christine - posted on 06/19/2012

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thats defintely rude, who cares how many children you choose to have, at least u keep and take care of yours..

Michele - posted on 06/19/2012

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She was she totally rude, I don't care if it was a poor attempt @ humor, or she can't grasp the concept of her own issues much less having 3 kids. The fact still remains that she is rude! Ignorance, and circumstance is no excuse for rudeness, obviously in her situation she should be the one sterilized she sounds pretty scummy to use abortion as birth control!
If she is your friend than you are her friend in spite of her short comings and rudeness, you have accepted her as is and what you should learn to do with people like that is to have a quick response just as rude!

Tifani - posted on 06/18/2012

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That is ridiculuos!! She has no room to speak, and what is she thinking having a 4th child out of wedlock on top of that! I have been wanting to have another child, and it would be child #4 for me but I am married and have been for 14 years...
I am so sorry that she would consider saying that to you! Out of control!

Jessica - posted on 06/17/2012

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I feel that it is just as rude as if you were to say it to her. She is basically judging you and telling you what she thinks of your situation. I'm sure she wouldn't like it if you did the same?

Amy - posted on 06/17/2012

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Yes it's rude but maybe she is one of those people who have to make everything about them.

Melissa (alissa Or Lissa) - posted on 06/17/2012

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Rude beyond! it's nobody's choice but your own and your husband. She made her decisions to abort the other 3 and not this one so how is that any different?? You have the live and support and she dosent so maybe she's jealous? Be happy and enjoy your beautiful baby growing inside you and if she keeps being rude then you don't need that around you or you family

Ana - posted on 06/17/2012

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If my friend told me this, I would be pissed. No tact. I would not let her continue to upset me with her obviously hateful idea of multiple children. I'd probably tell her about herself.

Jamela - posted on 06/17/2012

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I would think of it as ignorance, she is someone that does not know how to value a family. You are on your 3rd and are happy don't let her still your Thunder!!!

Tobie - posted on 06/16/2012

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I'm a Mommy of 4 Awesome kids! I know all to well about being Pregnant. I am not usually a very sensitive person. But when Pregnant I become very sensitive, cry and in general things bother me more. I DO not think it is you, she sounds like a mess! Now I am Pro-choice HOWEVER good gravy 3 abortions is just WRONG!! She clearly needs help!!
Question why do you continue to be friends with her??
Although I don't know you Congratulations, and Good Luck :) :)

Ashley - posted on 06/16/2012

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my minimum i want is 3 so don't pay attention to any stupid comments. especially from a person who use abortions as birth control. you go and be happy with your family.

LeAnn - posted on 06/13/2012

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She hasn't popped any out yet, though! She keeps killing them before they can pop!

Dana - posted on 06/13/2012

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Ummm...yea...RUDE. I am pregnant with #3 right now and a few people have asked if we are done after this...but no one has ever been that nasty. Perhaps your friend should keep her legs and her mouth closed!

Bianca - posted on 06/12/2012

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Very rude! I had a similar experience with my husbands sister saying something along those lines to him. I am also pregnant. My husband and I will have four children all together one each from a previous relationship. Its no ones business how many children you decide to have. Its not like they're in it with you. I'd say especially for this friend of yours.

Amy - posted on 06/12/2012

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Thanks ladies for all your thoughts and supportive comments! Seems I'm definitely not the only one that felt it was more than unnecessary and totally tactless of her to say.
I waited to get some input, and tried to write a neutral response to let her know I was offended. This is what I came up with:

Abbie-
I've been busy looking into your suggestion of getting sterilized after my next baby. Maybe they can just do it right there when they finish with the C-section. But that would be if thats what Rob and I decided to do, not other people, and its not something we're on board with.
I honestly thought that was kinda harsh, and definitely tactless. I wouldn't really suggest that to anyone, even if I did know their thoughts on how many kids they wanted, or regardless of what situation they may be in as far as having a lifestyle that is appropriate for having kids, which I definitely do.
That was not something I expected to hear from anyone, let alone a friend, and especially not from someone who doesn't exactly have tons of room to be offering advice or suggestions in that subject.
I'm sure you have been introduced to a whole new side of life and a glimpse of what your life will be like as a mom now that your expecting, but again still doesn't exactly make you experienced enough there to give that kind of advice. Even with your assumption of how many kids I want, whether 3 or 4 is to many, etc. its not a comment I feel you're warranted to make.
Even if I were an expert on all this which I'm certainly not, I would hope to at least be knowledgeable enough to know what things you don't touch with 10-ft pole no matter who you are, or what you think you know.
I don't believe I've ever judged you, or given any negative comments or reactions when you've shared your past pregnancies with me, even when you ended up choosing not to keep them. Again, I had no comment, hopefully just support as was intended at the time.
I didn't want to just stop communicating, but honestly if I had gone with my initial reaction, you would probably be offended right now too and that is not at all what I am going for.
I just felt the need to tell you that was tactless, and insensitive, for your to say. Especially coming from someone you would least expect it from, and that you feel has doesn't exactly have the most experience or room to talk on the subject.
I hope you can see why that might have made me feel the way it did, and why I felt it was not yours or anyone's place to say such a thoughtless thing.
Hope things are going well for you.
And yes, I have sent it. :)

ElisaBeth - posted on 06/12/2012

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Yes it was pretty rude... my response would have been, "Yeah, we could go and do it together!'

Ashley - posted on 06/11/2012

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sounds like your friend needs to grow up. she is so use to throwing away kids like its a bad habit. she sounds like she is just sleeping with anyone and after 3 abortions. she is just jealous of you and wants to be the center of attention. she should be hoping to get some advice but instead she is throwing u under the bus. I am sure you can find better friends then that, who appreciate you.

Danicia - posted on 06/11/2012

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that's extremely rude! almost warrants for you to say the same thing back to her! :P people need sensors sometimes...

Stifler's - posted on 06/11/2012

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I would have been like yeah.. what about you you going to get sterilized after this one or keep popping them out?

Aimee - posted on 06/11/2012

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Could this be her sense of humor? Not that she is funny or anything, just wondering.

Dove - posted on 06/10/2012

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Rude. I think I'd probably be cutting ties with her. If you want to be rude back, you could always ask her why she wasn't sterilized after her second abortion.....

Lynn - posted on 06/10/2012

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Wow... she's got a lot of nerve. I hate it when people throw babies away like trash and have no problems getting pregnant. If anyone needs to be sterilized it should be her! If it comes up again, I'd point out that yours was wanted, you are happily married to the baby's father and you are thrilled to accept all of your children as gifts. Your baby (and other kids) is lucky to have you... All you can do is love and raise your children and consider the source. I'm sure her mom must be really proud...

Diana - posted on 06/10/2012

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Yep, rude, tactless and decidedly from someone with no room to talk!
I bet there are a lot of complicated feelings going around in her now, about her own past decisions, the fact that she hasn't found anyone she wants to share her life with as a partner, and so on.
Because of that, I wouldn't take her comment to heart. She was probably speaking out of her own conflicted thoughts . If she carries on with that kind of comments you may want to consider having a serious talk with her about what your values are, and ask her to respect them.

Sarah - posted on 06/10/2012

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lol.. I looked stupid saying someone is dumb and then spelling it that way.. lol.. dumBBBB .. ;)

Sarah - posted on 06/10/2012

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Whoaaaa.. absoutely rude and completely outta line!! SHE'S the one who uses abortion as birth control, honestly, that last line should have been aimed at her!! I would definatley ask her WHY she said that. No point in letting it fester and ruin the frinedship you have. If she has a decent answer, explain to her how out of line that statement was, if she has some dumbass answer, point out her record with abortions and tell her maybe sheshould be teid up after delivering this baby. Dayuum, some peole either have huge balls or are as dum as dirt!!

Katheryn - posted on 06/09/2012

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Sorry to say but on that Note End the friendship. You do not need people like that in your life she was WAY out of line. I pray for her Baby that it is Loved enough by Grandma. She sounds like a crappy person. WHO SAYS THAT!!! She has NO CLUE what a PRECIOUS GIFT she has. MOVE on from her and just Pray for the child.CONGRATULATIONS to you on your 3rd. Took nearly 8 years to get my 1 and transplanting embryos this summer PRAY for twins. Good Luck to you Don't feel any guilt on moving on. You are better off without her in your life. Sounds like her Baby Also...Praying for the Grandmother. Side note Sounds like she wishes she has what you have a LOVING FAMILY and you KNOW who the Father is of your Children!

Cheryl - posted on 06/09/2012

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definatly rude to say the least!!!!! we can all see she speaks from no experience like the miracle of motherhood yes it has it"s ups and downs just like everything else in life ! but excuse me for saying but i think you should drop the abortion friend anyway if she could kill 3 innocent babies just because she cant learn to keep her legs closed or take some precautions !! then i dont even think having this baby is even going to change her discusting choice of life views even if you have 3 now you know the joy each one brings so you make that a heartfelt gift between you and your husband after all if you are willing to love and guide them through life unconditionally then have 10 if you wish ! amy you are a good friend and mother to have stuck by her even this long !!!

Lika - posted on 06/08/2012

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That's messed up. And she calls herself a friend? You know, I am pro-choice. I really am. But seriously? I have no use for people who think that abortion is okay as a convenient form of birth control. My cousin, who would make perfect mother material could never bear children, and has a medical condition. And she is going on 44.

Yet this lady gets prego, and oh, oops, she's not ready... Once would be understandable, but 3 times? That's plain flat out irresponsible, especially not knowing who the father is this time with her 4th. She'd been lucky enough to be pregnant, and rather than looking at the blessing, she's making it sound like a curse...

I question her maternal capabilities... And to tell you about sterilization, maybe she needs to either close her legs or get sterilized herself. Baby needs a mom.

I congratulate you fully with your 3rd, and hope that you have a happy and healthy baby!

[deleted account]

I think it depends on the type of relationship you guys have and what kind of person she is.

From some of my friends, if they said that to me, I'd know it was a joke... but there are a couple that I know don't joke like that so I'd probably be a little offended.

Lisa - posted on 06/08/2012

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That's very rude. Is she usually very sarcastic? Maybe she thinks she's being funny. Obviously a tactless joke.

Erin - posted on 06/08/2012

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It was out of line. I certainly would be offended. Just because your friend didn't want to take responsibilty for her children doesn't mean those of us who want our children ought to feel bad about having lots of kids. Historically we actually have only about half the number of children women used to have. I don't hold my tounge with people I would have been mean and said perhaps you should have been sterilized if you weren't gonna take care of any of your own babies. But that's just me.

Lisa - posted on 06/08/2012

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3 kids is NOT a lot. I have 5. I know several others who have 6, and a few who have 7, and a couple of ladies who have 9 kids... and then there are those people on tv who have lke 21 or something... now that is a lot. But even then, I would never dream of telling that woman that she should get sterilized.

I agree with others here that it is very possible that your friend doesn't know how to handle the emotions that she is going through. She is, after all, going through pregnancy hormones also; and there are different emotions she's dealing with also because of her situation. And you did say that you wanted to help her to not feel alone. If you really want to be supportive to her, to be her friend, you need to accept that at first she may reject that support. And that it will be work for you to be a friend to her, to be supportive to her. And that a lot of times, being a friend means that you don't get treated like a friend in return when your friend is going through something very difficult like this.

Are you going to let her words and seeming rudeness to you dictate your response to her? Or will you be there for her, and be her friend so that she is not alone in this hard time in her life? How much does your friendship mean? There are times when it is best to choose to walk away from people. Is this that time? I don't know. I cannot say that for you. There is simply not enough information you can provide me online to make that decision for you. You must look in your heart, and at all the memories you have made with this friend, at what your moral compass is telling you, and at the future you want to have or not have with this woman, and then you must choose to be a friend -- or walk away.

But whatever you choose about the friendship, you must forgive her for hurting you. Otherwise the bitterness in you towards her, even if she's out of your life, will eat away at you. It will hurt you -- not her -- if you choose to not forgive her.

Debbie - posted on 06/07/2012

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I think all of the lady's post thus far have made very valid points. It was tactless, insensitive, and rude. Everyone has made decisions that can be considered distasteful, for lack of better terms, some make more then others.

I MY opinion, she certainly is in no position to even THINK you should be sterilized! What it really seems like is she is turning her own fears and doubts about herself onto you. She is probably (most likely) envious, but again...we make choices and must live with the consequences.

It is ultimately your decision, for you would know best; but....I would seriously evaluate your "friendship." At her age, it is unlikely her lifestyle will change even after the arrival of her baby. When we have a family to consider, we have to think: Is this the type of person I want around my kids?

I hope this helps! I hope your little one is healthy and your family blessed! :)

Caris - posted on 06/07/2012

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Yes, that is extremely rude, tactless, and inappropriate! And no, she shouldn't have anything to say about other people's choices, given her history. Yours sound a lot better than hers! Are you sure you want to be friends with someone like that?

Karen - posted on 06/07/2012

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Um. Wow. Sounds like a "friend" you don't need. I'm not even sure what to say. I would cut all ties with her, or blow up at her. I'm not even going to comment on how disgusting her choices have been..... okay, I'm really not going to. I almost did. Anyway. Very Rude. As I said, I would not be able to speak to her for a long time, or I'd completely blow up at her and kill the friendship anyway. Either way, she would no longer be in my life.

Elaine - posted on 06/07/2012

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If I had a friend who uses abortion as a contraceptive she wouldn't be a friend!!!

Nancy - posted on 06/07/2012

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That was extremely rude and offensive. Regardless of her history, she still needs to respect you as a friend.

[deleted account]

I've delt with this same kinda thing through all my pregnancies! I have 3 as well that are close together. My oldest just turned 4 and the youngest is almost 1. But when I got pregnant with the second, my mom of all people told me I was ruining my life and bound to grow up poor. At least when I got pregnant with my third she just kept her mouth shut! I am with you with the fact that she has no right to judge you given her past! I think they should have sterilized her for using abortion as a form of birth control.

Hiba - posted on 06/07/2012

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First off congrats!

Yes, it was rude, and very inappropripriate, but I'm with stiffler's mum and would like to think that it was a bad attempt at humour! However you know her and you are best placed to judge that...

In my mind she's probably struggling to cope with her own issues, and hormones right now, maybe she did project her own fears on to you with her response, not okay, but understandable.
If she's a good friend, and it seems like you two are pretty close I'd reach for the chocolate and put the comment aside! We all say daft stuff, especially when pregnant :) x

Bethany - posted on 06/07/2012

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sounds like she's struggling with the idea of even one child herself, and is saying what she's thinking about herself.

3 is not alot, but to her, one is alot, so she is coming from a skewed frame of reference. If she had got sterilized after her third, she wouldn't be in the predicament she is in now would she.

Just about every comment you'll ever get in life will be uninformed and be a person's projection of their own doubts and fears onto you.

You're happily married and happy to parent your kids. She is living with her mother and having a child she might not even want. I know who I'd rather be.

If you wanted to be a real b*tch, you could have texted back Wow! Conrats! 3 is alot, maybe should have got sterilized after that? oh well.

Stifler's - posted on 06/06/2012

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Maybe she was joking. Or thought it might have been an accident and was trying to make light of the situation. I know my sarcasm on this site is often misconstrued as being serious and I get in trouble/abused for it.

Amy - posted on 06/06/2012

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Thanks, those were all helpful and nice to know I wasn't just over-reacting.
@ Sherri Champagne- I agree, and thanks for a different view than I have had or heard so far. I can see your point. I don't think she needed to go as far as sterilization, maybe ask if that was going to be our last. Or first ask if we even know if its going to be our last baby. Then I guess proceed if its felt necessary by telling me how to prevent a 4th pregnancy, preferably by suggesting birth control, etc. or something thats at least a step before permanent sterilization ya know?! I'm sure you're right though that she didn't intend to come off as rude. I am in 100% agreement on it being tactless! Thanks for your input :)

Kelina - posted on 06/06/2012

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I really think it depends on the kind of person your friend is. Do you think she meant it as rude? you have to admit 3 is a lot of work. I'm cooking number 3 right now, people with less children always tell me I'm brave, or that I'm going to have my hands full. Lol and even though I'm still pregnant they're asking me if I'm having any more. Some people simply have no tact. Some people are just plain rude. How you should take it, really depends on the kind of relationship you have with her and the kind of person she is. From some of my friends I'd be offended. From others-that's k=just who they are and I've learned to take it with a shot of chocolate lol

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