SAHMs vs. Mother-in-law

Medic - posted on 08/15/2010

My kids (4yrs and 6mths) have spent the night at their grandparents house on a regular basis since they were a few weeks old. My mom and I have a horrible relationship but that is between me and her not my kids and her. I feel that as long as she is good to them then its ok. She never does things how I would and goes against some of the little things but thats what grandparents are for and I want my kids to be able to make their own judgements and not have my thoughts and feelings. I also don't ever want my kids to feel like I kept them from an important relationship that they had the right to forge. But that is just the way I feel.

Stephanie - posted on 08/15/2010

My MIL says the same thing. I don't want to leave my daughter alone with her. I think she is overbearing and when I'm ready I will leave her. Lucky for me they are moving away next year : ) I told my husband that when Eliza can ask to go over and see grandma or ask to sleep over I will be a little more apt to letting her go. Then Eliza can come home and tell me either she had a good time or she didn't. Hope this helps : ) good luck as I know how stressful this is.

Jamie - posted on 08/15/2010

My MIL has made it very clear that she doesnt like me nor does she want to be a babysitter, The one time I had to force her to babysitt because we had an emergeny she tried charging me for it! UMMM NOT happening! lol After that I would rather take my kids with me than every try to ask her again! Now that she knows that,She wants to see them but wont come over. (long story short, Shes bossy to me n I made it clear that its my house n if she doesnt like it dont come over!) But in your situation if shes great for the kids than let her and enjoy the free babysitting!

Marisa - posted on 08/14/2010

I am sure you have your reasons for not feeling comfortable. I have not left my 7 month old with anyone yet, well except her father and that is only for a couple of hours every few weeks to get a mani petti sanity break! Trust your instincts, they are usually right!

Carisa - posted on 08/14/2010

I don't because I am a total control freak and have a hard time letting go of my children. Much to my parent's dismay, I didn't let my oldest spend the night with them until she was 3 1/2 and heading of to preschool. My 16 month old still hasn't spent the night. It is not at all strange that she wants alone time. If you are anything like me, if I'm around, I take charge of the kids, and they cling to me. They have a better visit when I am not around. But he is your child, and you need to go with your gut. If you aren't comfortable with doing that, then you don't have to!

Sarah - posted on 08/14/2010

Never leave your child with someone you do not trust, simple as that. It's your responsibility to protect your children and if you don't feel right about leaving them with someone, don't do it!!!

Of course I can understand when it comes to MILs you always want to tread carefully. Nothing worse than being the cause of friction between you and the in-laws. Maybe you can try compromise - if you don't want to leave your son alone with her (and if you can stand it!), invite her to your place to spend time with him. Or invite her to the park with you or somewhere else - she can still spend time bonding with him, which would hopefully satisfy her needs, and you can still be there to keep an eye on things.

It's a tricky one, especially when it's your MIL (I totally understand!!) - I can understand that she is wanting to get to know her grandchildren and bond with them, but on the other hand, if you don't feel comfortable with spending time with her (you or your children) it can really cause problems. There's been some really good comments so far though, hopefully you'll be able to sort it out =)

Jenna - posted on 08/14/2010

My MIL used to take my son every Sunday afternoon and we would pick him up Monday night after having dinner with her and the FIL. It worked out nice because that is when my husband's school work was always do for college and it gave us a "date nite". The only problem?? My MIL can switch personalities likethat and she was absolutely not at all dependable. She talks a big game but never really shows up for the commitments. If it's my BIL's kids she drops plans she has made for us and runs to their aid. Makes my son feel left out, like he can only have time with his Grandma if he is one of the "brood".



You're not wrong for not wanting the unsupervised visits. But I agree with others that you should try to keep your side squeaky clean and let your husband see the true side. Thankfully, mine knows his Mother is a nut job and flake.



Good luck.

Tara Lee - posted on 08/14/2010

If you don't feel comfortable leaving your son there, then don't...maybe that will get MIL to tell you why she has a problem with you...
That being said, I also think children should know their grandparents and bond with them...My mom passed away 5 years before my DD was born and she would have been great with her. My MIL got to spend the first year bonding with my DD and even though my DD was only a year old when MIL passed, she still remembers her and even asks for her once in a while.(we visited EVERY weekend)...Children can never have too many people loving them.

Brandy - posted on 08/14/2010

Your insticts tell you there is something wrong with leaving your child there, so don't do it. You don't have to explain your choices to anyone. PERIOD. I didn't think my in laws provided a positive energy around my son, guess how often they saw him...about 3 times a year and only when I was there. It was my choice and my right. We have instincts for a reason. My son is almost 9 and visits with them now. He is old enough to tell me if something happened or to leave and call me if need be. I told them on Easter one year that God gave him to me to screw up however I wanted to and I just simply didn't need their help doing it. Nothing was EVER said about it again. Stand your ground. This is your baby and those are your instincts. I wish you the best of luck and hope it all turns out for the best.

Christi - posted on 08/14/2010

HA! this is funny. my son doesn't have a grandparent steadily in his life. my dad is a dick and sees my son like twice a year and my mother in law lives literally two streets away and sees my son maybe once a year. she has three other grandkids, but my son was the first grandson and she acts like he doesn't exist. my husband and her work for the same company and people ask him all the time why he looks so much like carla, his mom. he says well, she is my mom and they are in complete amazment. they are like wow, i didn't know she had a son, just thought she had the twin girls. they are only ten months apart. people think she only has three grandkids, not four because she never mentions our son either. i hate her and aparently the feeling is mutual, lol.

Sara - posted on 08/13/2010

If you dont feel comfortable leaving your baby with her, then dont! If anyone asks you why you dont leave baby alone with her, just say your so used to being around him that you miss him when hes away! =) My son is 1 and has only been left once with my MIL & thats not because I dont trust her or get along with her, I just dont leave him, EVER!!! lol. I really do miss him when we're apart. If your hubby says something about her not getting to visit with baby often tell him MIL is welcome to come over and hang out whenever...that way its on her

Deanna - posted on 08/13/2010

um..yeah I would find that weird too. Since she has made her dislike of you so clear I would seriously bring into question WHY she wants to spend so much time with your son. Even at 21 mos. old children can be taught to be mean to someone. I would be afraid of what she is saying to your son and even if she is treating him well especially since she hates you so much.
quite frankly I wouldn't leave your son with her. You never know what she will do to him (worse case senario) or say to him (best case senario). Besides she is his grandmother. She shouldn't have to spend lots of time with him to "bond". She's grandma. If she hasn't done it yet then chances are she never will. That should be the biggest reason not to leave your son with her. Just from what you have said she scares me. I wouldn't want her within 10 feet of my kids.

I say good luck and god bless

Azlene - posted on 08/12/2010

i say if she is giving you reasons not to trust her like being rude or speaking negative don't do it b/c your child is not old enough to speak for himself if she is being mean to him or speaking bad about you. if she has not giving you a reason give it a try.

Jane - posted on 08/12/2010

if you don't feel comfortable, then have her come to your house. let her pick the times. but don't burn any bridges, we have my in-laws take our 2 girls once a week so we can have time together. as he gets older, you'll want her to take him.

Avie - posted on 08/12/2010

All comments have been very helpful. Thank you ladies.

Brittany - posted on 08/12/2010

Well the way you are saying it, it does sound weird. It might sound horrible, but I don't trust my mother in law alone with my daughter. It isn't necessarily because I think she's a horrible person and will screw up my daughter. But because she's severely anemic and can become weak with in minutes if she doesn't have enough iron... not to mention she is a push over... just look at HER daughter... (who is 22 and lives at home with no job and plays videogames/on the computer all day).

In a couple weeks we have to go the a wedding rehearsal that is too late at night for my daughter to go. So I ask for both grandma and grandpa to come over. My father in law is wonderful with my daughter and is a bit tougher on discipline (they balance each other very well).

Ok I'm rambling. My point is that if she wants alone time she should treat it like a treat for your son (like going to the zoo or park). If he's being really clingy to you, (which might be why she feels like she needs one on one time). Then I'd ask her to wait until he passes this stage, but that she is welcome to come over and play with him while you get some housework done.

Tiffany - posted on 08/12/2010

My mother in law thinks the answer to every problem with a child is tylonol. She use to watch my son when i worked when he was 6 months old untill i started coming home everyday and she would tell me that she gave him tylonol cuz he was crying or he seemed fussy. (this was on a daily basis) So I quit work and became a stay at home mom. Now when I take my kids to stay with her, which isnt very often cuz it scares me (she put criisco on my sons diaper rash once saying she thought it was the same as lard and split the skin on his bottom till it was bleeding) I make sure i go thru the house, which may seem mean but its for my kids saftey, and get all the meds that she could possibly think of giving them, and sneak them with me, and return them when we get back to pick them up. We just live 5 mon awayn so if something was to happen we would be there to bring the meds. But I will leave the kids with my FIL anytime. My mom i sometimes feel a little worried cuz i am one of 6 and there are still a 10, 8, 7, and 3 year old at home and my son is 2 1/2 and my daughter is 11 months so i do get a bit worried that she will have to many to keep her attention on my oh so brave son. My dad i dont feel comfortable at all leaving them with him. Not thatt my dad would hurt them or anything, something just tells me not to. I still havnt figured out what it is, but me and my dad are close, but something just tells me not to leave them with him, motherly instinct i guess but he dont keep them very often.

LaWanda - posted on 08/12/2010

I understand! We haven't left our son( 1 year old) with my husbands parents do to personal reasons, but he does stay with my mom every now & again just for an hour/few. Not ever very long but that is ok, she enjoys it anyways! I'm very paranoid as well but husband is trying to get me to lighten up!

Diana - posted on 08/12/2010

I have two babies a year apart, my MIL takes my dd of 1 & a half everyday for 4 hours so I can get some housework done, cooking etc. When I was establishing BF she took her for longer. We have a good relationship, I trust her to take care of my babies as I have seen her with them, she would love me to be there everyday too so its a totally different situation. He is her Grandchild though so I doubt she means any harm.

Corinne - posted on 08/12/2010

Trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable about it then don't be pressured into it. I don't trust my M.I.L one iota and have only ever left my kids with her once and only because my S.I.L was going to be there and the fact that it was for two and a half days for our "honeymoon". I spent most of my time worrying about them as my husband had told me she had punched him in the face when she spotted him smoking and later at the age of 21 when he left his college course! Do what you think is right. x

Karalyn - posted on 08/12/2010

My MIL takes my daughter every other weekend either for a sleepover or just a few hours. Most of the time I like it because it gives me some time alone! However, My MIL bothers me because when my baby is fussy my MIL is stubborn and is so certain that my baby is crying for some other reason than she really is. She thinks she knows all my daughters cries and what they mean, and she thinks she knows how and when she should eat and sleep ect. The fact is she knows NOTHING about my daughters habits or wants! Im the mother, I KNOW. And she tries to deny me the right to raise my daughter how I want to... So I do understand why you may not want your child to go to your MIL unsupervised.

Cheryl - posted on 08/12/2010

mine is the same way..I don't understand it, my mom don't insist to keep him for over night visits and they are way closer. When ever my son stayed the night with my mil he wouldnt sleep all night..he screams when we go over there and really hates it..we are not sure why but finally my husband and I said enough is enough.. He is two and the last time he went over there we found out he was playing outside by himself! No supervision..and that was it for us

Lisa - posted on 08/12/2010

I leave my children with their grandparents whenever they will take them!! :) My kids love it, I get some free time to do things like scrub the carpets, clean the toys out, work in the garden without a child crawling all over me.
However, that being said. There must be a reason you do not trust your MIL?

Kimberly - posted on 08/12/2010

Not on a regular basis but every once in a while. If I am here the baby just wants me but I leave my parents actually get some quality time to bond with him. Sometimes I just need a break. I have also seen the same with my sisters kids. If she stays they won't interact with anyone but her. Once she leaves they actually start to interact with us and having fun. I really think you MIL has a point. Children do need some one on one time with grandparents to really get a good bond.

Renae - posted on 08/12/2010

OMG! You have one of those too!!

MIL used to come over (nearly EVERY DAY) and take my baby into another room and when he cried she would say "no you cant go back to mum you have to get used to me!". I eventually just kept him away from her as much as I could until she figured out she would just have to play with him while I was there.

Louise - posted on 08/12/2010

Try and have a one to one with the dragon I mean MIL and see if you can work out what her problem is. I expect it is a case of your not good enough for my son syndrome! If you can resolve some issues you may be able to relax about her having your son. Try packing a picnic and taking her along so that you have the best of both worlds. A happy child and your mother in laws attention where she will be forced to speak to you. I wouldn't like the fact she wants him on his own as you do not know what she is saying about you to your son. The best way is to confront the issue not nastily but head on.

Lady Heather - posted on 08/11/2010

Hahahaha. No. Four of her grandparents (she has a couple of step-grandparents) live many hours away and the two that live in town don't even know what to do with babies. They had five kids between them and they don't have a clue. My dad's girlfriend contends that her children never cried. Ha.

I have to say though - if my mum or MIL lived here, I wouldn't think anything of handing the little one off to them once every couple of weeks for a few hours of granny time though. It would allow me to get some stuff done and I'd really love for my kids to be close to their grandparents.

I guess you need to define "regular basis" for me.

Judy - posted on 08/11/2010

I'd love to be able to leave my kids with either sets of grandparents, but we live on the other side of the country. I understand it does depend on what sort of MIL you have, but I feel bad for my kids grandparents only getting to see their grandchildren every now and then so would jump at the opportunity, not just for their relationships, but also for some time out for me!

Good Day! - posted on 08/11/2010

My MIL regularly takes my daughter for the day. We always plan it out beforehand. Kids deserve the chance to have a good relationship with their grandparents. It's a special bond. I use the time to grocery shop alone or read a book.

Melissa - posted on 08/11/2010

Since any issues between you and your MIL seem to be one sided, try to stay as drama-free as possible on your side and have your husband take control of the time she spends with your child. If he has to be the one responsible for talking to his mom to set up these "playdates", taking your son there, and picking him up, maybe he would take notice that all is not well with the way your MIL is treating you. It can be easy for a man to be oblivious to a situation until it is thrust in his face.

Tasha - posted on 08/11/2010

i say its up to you. Have you talked to your husband about this? It took me 5 yrs of standing my ground with my husband about his mother and her one day just totally ripping into me infront of him to get the idea she didnt like me and i wasnt crazy. Dont try to make it an big issue between you but just tell him that you "feel disliked and would like him to just try to see how you feel and why you feel it" Anyway I dont know whatelse you could do really.

Amanda - posted on 08/11/2010

I haven't left my son with my mother-in-law for long periods of time, but that's only because she doesn't live nearby. I see nothing wrong with leaving your son with her unless you fear for his safety/well-being by being alone with her. And if she has openly expressed not liking you, maybe giving her a chance to "bond" with her grand-son would make her rethink whatever "grudge" she has against you and make your relationship better.
Of course, I don't know the whole situation. So that's just my opinion. :)

Megan - posted on 08/11/2010

Well I cannot do this a my MIL is on the other side of the country! That being said even if I could do it I really don't think I would be comfortable leaving my daughter with her. I just don't feel she is responsible enough, that and my daughter would be mauled. If you don't feel right then don't do it!

Avie - posted on 08/11/2010

I have. She's made it very clear to everyone but my husband that she doesn't like me and doesn't want to be around me. So, although I used to leave him with her for short periods while I ran errands, went to the dr, or wasn't feeling well, her obvious distain for me (for reasons unknown to me) have me not exactly trusting her with him until he's old enough to be able to tell me if she's saying negative things about me.

Tasha - posted on 08/11/2010

By the time my oldest was 21 months old my MIL haad watched her once...long story! As long as your MIL hasnt given you a reason to not trust her maybe try a short time like an hour. See how you feel after that.