Should I tell my kid about her father's 1night stand kid?

Luckyasheck - posted on 07/27/2017 ( 19 moms have responded )

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I was wondering if anyone could help me with a touchy subject? Well my husband had a one night stand about 12 years ago way before we met. We have a child together and we've been together for 7 years. He doesn't know the woman who he got pregnant and knows nothing about her, I asked a lot of people and they say they really didnt know each other...He does how ever have to pay child support and I think that is only fair on his part but the thing is that he doesnt want anything to do with the little girl or her mom. The girl tracked him down by a mutual friend that night and he agreed to pay child support. He has made it clear to everyone we know that he never wants to meet her (the kid) or talk to her ever! He wants to pay the child support and thats it, nothing else. We have a 5 year old together and plan on more kids. None of his family talks to the little girl or her mom ever and they dont claim her as their family. The dilema is should I tell my daughter that there is a girl out there who shares the same daddy with her or should I never tell her? His mom told him at 16 who his real dad was and lied about his real father his whole childhood and he was mad when he found out ...that was his father not a sister with a woman who he never loved or talked to after the fact(other than court papers and such)....We asked his mom and her husabnd to not tell our daughter about the other girl if no one talks to her and just let it go. They think that we should tell her because she told him who his real dad was. She told the family to lie for 16 years and they did. The only difference is that was the man who made him and not a sibling that no one ever talked to or knew and knows nothing about them and their life. So I'm writing to see what everyone else has to say about it because it is bothering me and I want to make the right decision and not hurt anyone in the process. I personally dont see a point to say anything if no one in his family cares about her and no one knows her at all. It would be different if they all talked and had pictures of the girl around there house but they dont. Please help me make the right chioce, Thanks

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It's good to hear advice from different people as everyone has a different point of view. But at the end of the day you should really make a decision between you and your husband. If you love your husband than respect HIS decision, after all it is HIS daughter and his ultimate decision. I wouldn't tell a child some news like that because they won't understand really. I would wait until they got to an age where they would understand the why's and how's. If he and the baby's mother decided to not have a relationship then the child can always try to have a relationship with him when she's older if she wanted. I kind of understand his side of the story and why he didn't chose to have a relationship with the child because he didn't plan to have or consent to be a father to from a one night stand and that's what society today fails to defend I feel like. Should a sperm donor also be forced to accept a child, after all it is half his? Kind of the same concept with a man who accidentally gets a woman pregnant. If the women decide to keep a child after a man states he does not want it, then the women should be more than willing to raise this child on her own as would a women using a sperm donor. Then no child would ever be hurt and everyone is happy.

Gail Ann Le - posted on 07/30/2017

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I would only tell her when she was an adult. Why would you want to discuss this with a child. Know this she might think her father is less then the father she knew all her life.

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Ev Witt- I have gone through and know many personal cases like this. Some where the kid grows up and does not care to have any type of relationship with the father because of the mother and what she tells the child, usually because she is miserable, jealous, angry that the man has moved on with someone else. I also know a child who never had their father in their life but decided to reach out and have a relationship when she turned 20. (Even being adopted by another man she calls her father.) I disagree that a man should be forced to be a father when he didn't plan on it and has made it very clear that it was an accident and does not want to keep it.Most women out there intentionally get pregnant to hold a man down, then the child suffers for having a miserable mom who is always talking negative about a their father. So just as much as a woman has the right to decide if she wants to keep a child, a man should also have the right to be considered in that decision since when it's all said and done he is ultimately the one that will get screwed over financially and probably emotionally.

Parabol46 - posted on 08/03/2017

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IMO; This is for now an adult matter. I would share when your child is VERY emotionally capable of understanding the situation.

Ev - posted on 08/02/2017

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{{ If he and the baby's mother decided to not have a relationship then the child can always try to have a relationship with him when she's older if she wanted.}}
Yes, while this is true, the child deserves the chance to have a relationship no matter what.

{{ I kind of understand his side of the story and why he didn't chose to have a relationship with the child because he didn't plan to have or consent to be a father to from a one night stand and that's what society today fails to defend I feel like.}}
I have to disagree with this totally. As a person who decided to have sex with someone he did not know he still knew there was a chance of pregnancy even if precautions were taken. He has to face the consequences of those actions and choices. A child was a product of that night. He IS RESPONSIBLE regardless if he intended to become a father or not. Same for the woman.

{{ Should a sperm donor also be forced to accept a child, after all it is half his? Kind of the same concept with a man who accidentally gets a woman pregnant.}}
Yes, he should accept the child as he did help create the child. He should also be held accountable for the child's welfare as well. Same for a woman.

{ If the women decide to keep a child after a man states he does not want it, then the women should be more than willing to raise this child on her own as would a women using a sperm donor. Then no child would ever be hurt and everyone is happy.}
If a woman keeps a child and a man does not want it, he is still responsible for the welfare at least of the child. And how do you know no child would be hurt....all kids want to know who their parents are.

Have you ever gone through this situation or one where custody was involved?

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Luckyasheck - posted on 08/06/2017

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Olivia!!! Your comment was the BEST that Ive read! Because I feel like this and the situation is totally like this one. Too bad for the little girl, But my husband does pay his child support and that is enough, he says for him. As far the little girl, I'm not sure she'll ever get a chance to meet him...This isn't my choice, only his and I cant change what he thinks or get mad at him if he doesn't do what I think is best. I must be there for him and stand with him in any situation, bad or good...For the sake of our love for each other. We have a daughter together and are planning on baby number 2. He is the best husband and the best father and I am so thankful to have found such a good man. Some men out there don't pay child support and never care or know about there kids...At least he does pay it so no one can say anything bad about that. I cant make him go meet this girl...No one has talked to him or anything so I am guessing they don't want to meet him with either. I was just concerned because I have a daughter and I needed to know if I should tell her but after reading this I truly believe there is no point because she wont understand and it may have an effect on her childhood and I don't want to do that. Maybe when she is in her 20s we can all talk about it if it ever comes up but no one talks to us or anything and I don't think it will be a problem for her if she finds out in her 20s. I knew I had brother and honestly one is a child preditor and the other one is half black and my family never sees him either. So I'm not hurt or ruined for it. I don't want my half brother near my family because he is really bad news for children and little girls, Thank god my adopted family never let me know him! I could have been sexually assalted by him. That would have ruined me not this situation. Thank You for your honest and kind comment! Why cant more ladies be like you and be nice and respectful when commenting instead of saying oh hes a loser...THey need to grow up and stop being like that...Your comment was awesome and I appreciate it so much!

Luckyasheck - posted on 08/06/2017

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No one but the mother wants custody of the child. The grandparents (my husbands parents) don't even want to see her or get to know her...Its a screwd up situation but none less I must deal with all it.

Ev - posted on 08/03/2017

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Olivia--When two people have sex and a child is the result--both are responsible for the welfare of that child in the eyes of the law. It is right he pays the child support. Is it fair for a child to be made to do without because a father or even mother decides they did not want the child in the first place? No. Regardless of having a relationship with the parents or not, a child is still deserving of that chance to have a relationship. If people do not want children, then maybe they should make sure they are protected during sex! It is not rocket science. I know that protections are not 100 percent but it is better than not having any at all. All people are thinking about is themselves when they get in those sitatutions. The child did not ask to be born. They did not get a choice in this. They end up suffering the most for it. If a parent decides not to pursue a relationship with the child it is not always because the one parent says bad things about the other--it is a choice the parent made. It is not always the man that gets screwed over....fianacially speaking. Women get that too.

The one that gets screwed is the child.

Michelle - posted on 07/30/2017

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He feels "guilty" enough to be paying child support but doesn't want to know his child? That is just wrong. This child is his, why is he denying her existence?
Like we have all said, the only one that is hurting in all of this is the poor innocent child. She didn't ask to be a product of a 1 night stand, your husband chose not to have protected sex, so he needs to accept that his child has a right to know him. He is being very selfish and to be honest with, I wouldn't be staying with a man that can ignore that he has a child!!!!

Ev - posted on 07/29/2017

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{Do I go behind his back if i decide to let everyone meet one day if he doenst want any part of it?}
No, you do not go behind his back to get a meet up for everyone. It is up to him. This is his child with another woman. Not with you.

{ Is that considered betrayel? Or just doing the right thing?}
It is betrayal. It would be the right thing to do only if he knew of it and was fine with it if he was not involved. But you can not go sticking your nose in business not yours even though the child is a sibling to yours.

{This was a one night stand, Strangers having sex and after that they never talked again}
One night stand or not, a child is a product of that night. It does not matter if they knew each other well or not. A child came of that union.

{I personally wouldnt be in court hoping to get visitation to a child that i conceived on a one night stand...}
Why not? It would be your child as much as the other parent. The child does not deserve to be treated this way and never asked for it or to be born. The child does not have a say in the matter. Besides, this child carries half of his genes which means half of his medical conditions of any, and she would need to know if something happened or she got sick, if there are allergies to medications her father has and so forth. The other paret of it is that this child has a right to the benefits that she would get from her father if something happened to him just as your kids would.

Luckyasheck - posted on 07/29/2017

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This was a one night stand, Strangers having sex and after that they never talked again, I personally wouldnt be in court hoping to get visitation to a child that i conceived on a one night stand...I can see his side and this websites comments side.

Luckyasheck - posted on 07/29/2017

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Do I go behind his back if i decide to let everyone meet one day if he doenst want any part of it? Is that considered betrayel? Or just doing the right thing?

Luckyasheck - posted on 07/29/2017

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I get what everyone is saying but its been 12 years since he knew and no one has asked to meet or talk or anything on both sides. Its a really hard situation, especially for me because I'm in the middle and have to make the best choice for my own children. Bashing him isn't going to make me this any easier for me, I googled what to do and some say don't and some say do...Tell the children about their half sibling. I know they live across the country and I don't see us driving or flying anywhere. The fucked up thing is when I asked my husband the DAY WE MET if he had kids and he lied and said NO...I didn't date guys with kids or have been married...so I could get me a man whoo hasn't shared those special days with someone else...So I dated guys who were unmarried and no children...I found out he lied to me when the baby mama wrote me on facebook and she needed to reach him for child support reasons and I was so mad and even broke up with him for it...It was 6 months into the relationship when I found out. So now I am stuck with baby mama drama, and I specifically asked if he had kids...If he would have said yes I wouldntnot have took things as far as they were. I do love him but Iim more worried about our daughter and her future and her feelings about all this...the other half sister...What if the little girl doesn't want to meet our daughter? Is it even worth it? Like I said no one on both sides talks or communicates so its kinda hard to contact a stranger and say hey can we meet? I shouldn't be the one doing that shit he should, sorry he knows how I over react over the stupidest shit...but its for good reasons. I was adopted and I never met my real family so I kow the feeling...They denied me and didn't want anything to do with me when I asked my adopted mom to rach them...the rejecton was worst than the being adopted part...I don't want this kid to feel rejected..

Ev - posted on 07/29/2017

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I agree with the other ladies. He is a deadbeat dad. He punishes another child because it took a while for him to find out she existed at all. She did nothing wrong but just be born to a parent who for whatever reason does not want anything to do with her. She does not deserve this. This makes him no better than his own mother who lied about his real bio father for 16 years.

Michelle - posted on 07/28/2017

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He has known about this child since he has been paying child support. He could have gone to court to get visitation but he has obviously chosen not to.
Like I said, HE needs to stop hoping that by not talking about this little girl that she will just go away, it's not going to happen. He needs to accept that he has a child and that child deserves to be treated the same as his child with you.
By not acknowledging her, he is a "deadbeat", he should have been doing everything to be in his child's life, not telling everyone to not talk about her.

Luckyasheck - posted on 07/28/2017

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the other thing is no one has mentioned that the mom or little girl wants to contact him so should we still tell her even if no one has asked about him ? we have a great life together and my husband isn't a dead beat dad he is a great person the only reason he thinks like this is because I think he might be hurt no one has contacted him for 12 years about the girl...so he gave up, not sure why but maybe that is it

Michelle - posted on 07/28/2017

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I agree with Dove but in relation to your question, it's not up to you to tell your daughter but you should encourage your husband to acknowledge his other child and let his daughter know. The only one that is getting hurt here is the other child who has probably been told that her Father doesn't want to know she even exists. It's such a sad situation for this other child.

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