"since you don't work"

Kristin - posted on 02/19/2011 ( 86 moms have responded )

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i get really irritated when people say things like
"so you don't have a job" "since you don't work"
i'm a stay at home mom. that's a huge job.

the other day my sister asked me "could you take care of ethan in an emergency if i needed help?" of course i told her yes. i would be glad to take care of my nephew in an emergency.
"i figured i'd ask because you don't have a job".
i know she didn't mean anything mean by it, but it just irritated me.

my husband's mom is having some medical issues and needs some help when she gets home from the hospital. my husband volunteered me by saying "kristin can help out, she doesn't work"
boy that got under my skin.

anyone else feel irritated by those statements?

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Michelle - posted on 02/20/2011

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My friend once asked if I run an at home day care with her so I could start contributing to my family. My husband is always asking if I can do stuff for him because I have time to do it and he doesn't since he works (like I have a ton of extra time with 3 kids 3 and under). People make comments to me all the time and assume that since I don't have a "job" I have time to do stuff for them (take care of their kids, run errands, etc). I've been informed that I am a bad example for my daughter and how much better off my family would be if I "contributed". How much more can a person contribute again? I run my whole household and it's a 24/ 7 job. I don't get sick days and I don't have a personal assistant or anyone else to get it all done. My sister in law thinks my husband is oppressing me by forcing me to stay home (apparently she hasn't figured out that it was my choice to stay home and raise my children or that my husband would not and could not force me into anything like that). I worked for 10 years and I can honestly say I've never worked harder then I do now staying at home with my kids. I hate when people ask what I do (and then get very strange looks on their faces when I tell them I'm a SAHM) Very few people mean anything malicious when they comment about my lack of a "job". But it is annoying. It really irritates me. Especially when my husband starts off on his "but I worked all day" speech that goes with why he can't do something or help out with the kids. I'm thrilled he has the job he has because it allows me to stay home and I know he works hard. I wish he'd get it through his thick head that I work hard too. I get tired of doing favors for people who think that I have an endless amount of free time. I get irritated when my husband volunteers me to do things like help look after the guy across the street with alzheimers (I feel bad for his wife when she has stuff to do but the fact that my husband seemed to think it was even possible for me to take care of the kids and help him out is nuts). Luckily got out of that one finally. Some days it would just be nice to get a little respect for what I do every day for my family.

User - posted on 02/19/2011

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I find being a stay at home mom of a 2 1/2 yr old and 11mos old is more tiring than when I worked as an EMT in the inner city of Milwaukee.
It really ticks me off when my hubby says "since your not working can you..." then when I don't get to it he asks "So WHAT DID you do all day??" I left him home alone with the kids the other day for 3 hours and NOTHING got done around the house and it was a disaster when I came back home. He finally realized why some days it doesn't look like I get anything done at all and am exhausted at the end of the day.

Amanda - posted on 02/23/2011

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I come back with "i figure since in order for me to work outside the home i would have to hire a maid, nanny and cook to run my house, i might as well work all three jobs myself."

Candi - posted on 02/19/2011

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I recently went back to work part time and people say "so whats it like working again?" or "how does it feel to have a job?" WHAT??? I have been working since I was 13 years old. I only stopped a few years ago when my youngest was born, but I was a full time student then! People are stupid. Sometimes my husband will get mad b/c I don't have the house spotless and he'll make a comment and come up with "yeah but I work all day!" Don't even get me started on that one. Yes he works and brings home the check, but if it wasn't for me, half of his money would be going to day care or after school care...

Jennifer - posted on 02/19/2011

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I know what you mean. Most days it doesn't bother me, because I know the person doesn't mean anything by it, but if I'm having a bad day, it can just really get under my skin. The only time it got to me so bad that I was red with anger was the day my father asked if I was ever going to go back to college and finish my degree. I had completed 3 years of college (I was on track to graduate after 5 years because of the demand of my degree) for a major called sports science which was a stepping stone before going to a more specialized school. In all, I would have had at least 4 more years to go. I told him that I didn't see the point since I was a full time mommy (was prego with my 4th at the time) and I didn't need a degree to be happy. Then the statement "Well, I figured that since you don't have a job..." UGH! He's just never understood the need for a woman to stay at home, so he thinks I'm just lazy and that's why it made me so mad. Thankgoodness my husband is so happy for me to be home, and couldn't imagine our lives any other way! He's such a good hubby. LOL

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Mommy101 - posted on 04/22/2012

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Well. Unfortunately I have a different perspective. I am so glad so many of you have supportive husbands...it makes a HUGE difference. Mine, even though when we had our first child, he was the one who encouraged me to stay at home with her, is far from supportive. He works very hard at his job(s). He also works many weekends with our livestock. I do most everything else. The main thing I do now since our kids are in school is take care of our book keeping for our side businesses and take care of home organization, laundry, dishes, ect - the mom stuff - so he doesn't have to do it when he gets home. I don't even ask him to do very much with the kids at night or on weekends. However, I do get the "What do you DO?" from him. He even had the NERVE to ask me that when our kids were little and at home with just me all day. He has reasoned in his mind that the ladies who do work outside the home are somehow more valuable because they DO what I do AND work outside the home. I wonder if that is the case. I admire those ladies who do work outside the home and I wish I had been one of them. When I do work at other things during the day besides housework, I wonder how they get things done after 5 p.m. without help from their beloved. My kids keep me busy with conversation, rivalry, baths, homework, supper, clean up, ect. I loved my time at home with our kids - but now I have zero retirement and have been out of the work place so long I will have to start again at the bottom. My hubby doesn't appreciate anything I do or have done for him or our family and it makes me feel like s>>>>>. Is anyone else married to a man like this? Or am I just lucky.

Shauna - posted on 03/28/2011

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it took alot of hearfelt discussions to get it through my husbands head that i dont sit on the couch all day! men are slow to understand this unless they actually are the ones doing it!

SARAH - posted on 03/27/2011

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ah hate it my parents use it the most since you are doing nothing or she doesnt work so she can do so and so i have a husband that works crazy work schedule and 3 children ages 4 ,3 and 5months it;s alot of work just taking all of them to the grocery store much less to do other peoples errands not to mention the stuff i have to do at home just to keep our house running smoothly my husband is bad about it too i think he actually thinks i just sit on the couch all day while he works which is in noo way true the second i do get a chance to sit one of the 3 kiddos need something or dishes or laundry or a million other things lol

Shauna - posted on 03/27/2011

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yeah it downright pisses me off. i hear this alot!!!! i used to work full time and sometimes i think that was easier!

Sharon - posted on 03/27/2011

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I have been a stay at home mom for 21 years and I have heard it many times. When people say "you don't work?" I always say you mean "I don't work outside the home," They usually get it then.

MARTHA - posted on 03/25/2011

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I DO HAVE THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE WORLD...I AM A MOTHER AND MY FAMILY COMES FIRST..HOWEVER IF I CAN FIND THE TIME TO "FIT " YOU IN I WILL TRY, BUT, MAYBE YOU SHOULD FIND SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS NOT AS BUSY AS I AM" SORRY WISH I COULD HELP BUT MY FAMILY COMES FIRST"~~~THESE ARE THE REPLIES I USED WHEN I WAS A YOUNG MOTHER , HOPE THESE WORK FOR YOU (MOTHER OF 4 RASIED A NIECE AND NEPHEW AND NOW HELPING WITH 8 GRANDKIDS)

Kitty - posted on 03/06/2011

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It IS !!! we do everything that the hubby isnt home or out of the house working ppl dont have time for right? sooo ya we do washing laundry walk the dog ! paint if needed run erron shop for the house plan the up comeing events in your life pay bills? you name it we do it all.. we are the multi tasking moms ! in our homes !

Patricia - posted on 03/06/2011

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thanks i think so to most of the time it is pretty good it's hard work with 9 kids buti wouldn't be without any of them

Stifler's - posted on 03/06/2011

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that's so rude! who cares how your house looks lol guests don't have to live there!

Patricia - posted on 03/06/2011

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yes and she would have deserved it i'd like to see her do it the kids great granmother is like that no matter how the house looks

Jane - posted on 03/05/2011

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my sister in law who is not married and does not have kids said to me once, "your house is pretty messy for someone who's home all day"...if she were a complete stranger i probably would have punched her.

Nicky - posted on 03/04/2011

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My husband asked me this morning if I can go to work for him and he will stay home with our daughter. He tells me that he can do my job no problem. ha ha..not my husband. Anyway, this morning I came to the conclusion to go back to work on an on-call basis. Once a month is probably enough for me and it would put a plug in hubby's mouth for sure!

Patricia - posted on 03/03/2011

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yeah i know what you mean it's like they think we do nothing all day so i say well how do things get done the magical babysitting and house cleaning fairy this seems to get up his nose but i really don't care any more

Jessica - posted on 03/03/2011

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Yep. it is extremely annoying. when my husband try's it I remind him about his lack of a job (unemployed) and hand him the kids for the day. shuts him up. try handing the kids to your husband on his precious day off (its about time YOU had a day off). that teaches them real quick. leave a list of what you do every day. cleaning, cooking, the kids needs, ect... you might be surprised when you return. you will be playing catch up for a few days but it leaves a healthy dose of respect for you in its wake. Remind them that you DO have a job, but just don't get paid... and tell them that it bothers you. Housework is difficult enough without little ones but with them.... it is like running a marathon... everyday, without a break. You don't have to take that crap. Your husband is the most important one to remember though. he is the one you married, and he needs to understand (if only a little) what you do every day. my husband helps out more without gripping now.... and nobody says that NOW. it works. ;)





oh and does anybody else get those annoying calls about going back to school and the solicitor says "then going to school should be easy for you" I have a 1 year old who runs like a tornado, and a two month old... oh and a house to clean, food to cook, and to top it off I am disabled. You think it would be "easy" to got o college? they do. oh yeah and we also have a dog and three cats.

Gina - posted on 03/01/2011

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I understand i hear the same thing..i stay home also with my kids and it's hard work that i don't get paid for because i am a stay at home mom and that's what i do take care of my kids 24hours a day 7 days a week because as moms that is our number one job but the new modern mom that has a career and balances her children also made the old fashioned stay at home mom for example mrs. cleaver on leave it to beaver we were looked up to for giveing up our wants and needs for the bettering of our childrens lives but now we're looked down on as lucky we get to stay home all day and do nothing i hate it and i hear it to ask gina she can she don't work...and these career woman may have the money but most don't have clue about how there child is really doing because as busy working moms they don't make enough time for their kids and the kids go off on there own and the parents wonder why they didn't know when they were never around or to busy to see the warning sighns of there children

Elizabeth - posted on 03/01/2011

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I don't get it so much towards work but towards going back to school. Yes, it irritates me to no end and I wish people would just quit pestering me about it.

Carol - posted on 03/01/2011

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*waves hand, a flag and a flashing banner* Me! My husband says it to me. Our kids are 13 months apart, my son will be 2 on the 12th. We both dont like day care because we see that we can take care of our kids and understand them better then a day care worker, so he works and I stay home with them. Currently I am going to school full time, and while dealing with them which i think having 20 leeches on me since leeches dont talk, cry, run around etc ( I love them but they have no sense of personal space) would be more enjoyable then staying home, at least with the leeches i could use the restroom withotu someone trying to climb into my lap. In other words I dont get any peace till late at night, then I have to do school. When it comes to cleaning the house I have to actually call someone to help me so my kids will leave me alone long enough, for some reason anotehr person in the hosue is like baby repelent yet myh usband gets onto me because he hired his friend ( who when i do ask for help from wont come out the 2 times aweek like it was agreed maybe once every 2 weeks they will come out and help) i get yelled at because i dont work and the house is a mess or not to par. Yea, well honey you stay home, ill gladly go and work and you can deal with them clawing at you to pick them up, shoving cups,bottles anythign they can find in your face while you try to fix them food. Lets jsut say we go out alot, in public they act good, so i dont mind walking around walmart or the mall for hours

Ruth - posted on 03/01/2011

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My partner is happy for me to stay at home, we do without alot of things because we only have one income but our child is happy, I worked in Childcare for 10 years and through my own experiences alone I will not put our child into day care also I know of so many families where both parents work and one of them is just working to pay the childcare fees whats the point in that? my little one is 17months old now and I started to do some casual work when she was about 11 months, her routine went out the window, her behaviour changed and she just wasnt as happy a little girl anymore, there are times when my partner could be a little more understanding, like when she is ill and is up and down all night, he has now taken to sleeping in the other room so he can get some sleep because he "works an 8 hour day and needs his sleep" I understand when he does overtime so works maybe a 15 hour day or something but 8 hours? really? every now and then I have to remind him by leaving the baby with him for a couple of hours lol but when other people say something I just say well for the last 17 months I have been working anything up to 23 hours a day and I manage to do it on my own we have no family living close to us so noone to really help out we havnt had couple time since she was born how about you?

JEN - posted on 03/01/2011

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People love to think they are extra special cause they have kids AND a job! Pffft! My kids have me and I much prefer it that way! I just say to these people 'Im one of the lucky ones, I choose to stay at home becasue I can afford to' heheheee throw it back in thier face! Keep up the good work!

SuAnne - posted on 03/01/2011

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As a stay at home mom myself, I have heard this many times over the years also. I have 8 children and have homeschooled for many years now. I still hear it. I think it's just how society thinks these days whether you have one child or many, if you don't work outside the home and bring home a paycheck, you're somehow less important. That's just not true! I came across this in a devotional today and I thought about you. I hope this encourages you. Never doubt your value as a mom or as a woman!
God gives great value to you, even if others don't.

Motherhood

"There is no more demanding work in all the world,
no more awe-inspiring job description than raising godly seed.
It will challenge all the genius, talent and grace
that any human being could possess…
It is the highest calling any woman can enter."

Walter J. Chantry

Karen - posted on 03/01/2011

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I'm glad I'm not the only one!! Being a stay at home mom is the most stressful job I have ever had! I'm more stressed now than before when I worked 10 hours at the preschool with 24 kids! At least I got an hour break for lunch and 2 small breaks in between! However being able to stay home with my two little ones is the most rewarding job I could have! I love them so much, I'm stressfully happy to see them grow a little bit each day

Jackie - posted on 03/01/2011

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I know!!!!!! I broke it down to my husband the other day.
To get some one to clean the house it would cost me 500.00 a month to cook 7days a week 2,300.00 child care a month is 1,500.00 pulse every thing ells I do for him and his crazy family.
I tire not to let it get to me but his family is all ways telling me to do something with my life. Like having a child is not enough. I do not have any family hear so it is hard for me. I just want to SCREAM!!!! But it is confuting to know I am really not the only one in the world that feels this way

Krystal - posted on 03/01/2011

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Oh yeah!!! I run two businesses out of my home and take care of my 14 month old all day every day and yet I still get these comments, even from my hubby who sees (or at least knows) me doing all of this (on sundays anyway). It really gets under my skin when someone asks who keeps our son. When I tell them I do I get this look and they always say "must be nice to not have to do anything"! Really!....have they ever wondered why people charge so much to keep kids?!

Charity - posted on 03/01/2011

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I'm glad to know I am not the only stay-at-home Mom that hears this. It annoys me, but I don't let it get to me. I work just as hard, if not harder sometimes, as anyone else. The only difference is, I don't get a paycheck!

Cyndel - posted on 03/01/2011

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Either that or I tell them that I'm raising the generation that will take over their jobs, run this country, and take care of all their needs when they are to old and disabled to do so themselves. If they think that that isn't an important job, then wait and find out when we have too many selfish and lazy people in the next generation to take care of them when they need it.

Cyndel - posted on 03/01/2011

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I usually just interpret comments like that in my mind as...since you aren't locked in a specific place unable to leave without permission (most of the time this is how it is for me, though not all SAHM's) you are more flexible and more likely to be able to help out at a moments notice...it helps me not to take offence.

Stacy - posted on 03/01/2011

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Notice how all these comments, suggestions and unsolicited advice on your time/schedule always comes from some one who has never had the experience and know how. I, frankly, am sick, tired and enraged by some of the insinuations people make towards SAHM. My husband every now and then, makes comments about how he wish he could stay home with the baby instead of going to work or how much harder his job is, until I remind him by leaving him with the baby for a few hours and then I will comment to him that if I had been home, the dishes would be done, the laundry, etc. and he waves his white flag. I have a girlfriend who is a few years younger than me and has no children and is constantly giving me unsolicited 'time schedule management' advice when I complain about the difficulty of fitting a work out into my day. I can't wait until the day she has a baby! My single, childless brother who constantly makes the 'Well your home all day...' comments. Thank God for play groups, where I have the good fortune of communicating with other SAHMs! And Thank God for Mothers, MIL and Grandma's who will stand up for you to your husband and other family members because they have been there too!!

Caroline - posted on 02/28/2011

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Yes all the time. In a social gathering the first question people ask is what do you do and when you say I stay at home to look after my kids they look at you in the oh yeh!! way!!! so annoying!!

Jackie - posted on 02/28/2011

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YES!!!!!!! I can not stand it, Yes I am home but it is a full time job raising a 3 year old.

Samantha - posted on 02/28/2011

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Trust me it NEVER ends! I am a stay at home mom, with a extream ADHD 3 year old and a 6 month old infant who also attends full time collage online inbetween running a part time business.....and I still get friends who say that type of crap, thankfully my husband knows better, he made that mistake once and I stopped doing everything for him (cooking , cleaning, doing the bedtime routine al of it I stoped ad he caught on quick!) I would like to tell you it gets better but I am sorry it wont...By the way I fuction on 4-6 hours of sleep, thats how I have time for everything.

Jennifer - posted on 02/28/2011

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I have to agree that is is irritating when most people think cause i stay home with my son i am sitting watching soaps and eating bon bons all day. Its funny how everyone has an opinion about me staying home but if I ask anyone to watch him and they on the rare ocassion do they say oh I need a nap after watching him but I do it all day everyday annoying!!!!

Melissa - posted on 02/28/2011

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I have never had anyone say that to me but I do get some "vibes" from some of the younger mom's that have to work. I'm 42 and have a 5 year old. I had my daughter late enough in life that we were financially able for me to quit my job in medical billing and coding to stay at home with our daughter.
I guess those moms are just jealous because we get to stay home with our kids but I must agree with you. Being a stay at home mom is the hardest job I've ever had!
I do think that I would be really irritated also if people kept volunteering me for things just because "I didn't have a job". Let them try your job for a week and see what they think!

Bonnie - posted on 02/28/2011

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YES! Mostly I get it from people who don't have any children at all. My response is that it has been scientifically proven that being a SAHM is the equivalent of TWO full time jobs (if I could find the study I'd post the link). That generally stops people in their tracks & gets them thinking about how much work we really put in to bringing up our children & looking after the house!

Cherith - posted on 02/28/2011

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I think the best thing to do is to have other stay at home mommy friends for encouragement, and support. ;-)

Kristy - posted on 02/27/2011

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Yes I do. I think people don't realize how much work goes into taking care of kids. There is a lot of work involved in being a stay at home mom. Just because you don't get paid doesn't mean you don't work.

Erica - posted on 02/27/2011

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YES! My brother makes comments all the time especially because he is a personal trainer and sometimes gets up at 330 am. So when I say I slept until 630 or 7, he goes oh it must be nice to not have a job. I always respond to him by saying that my boss (let's face it our child(ren) are our bosses) doesn't get up until 8 or 830 so yeah I slept until 630 or 7. I also tell my brother to take care of my son for 3 hours and see how much of a non job I have. On the other side of that though I tell my dad if he needs help with their dogs or something to give me a call and he goes but you have to take care of Zack... I tell him that it is okay if Zack goes outside every once and awhile (he's 13 months), in fact the doctor recommends it! I try not to let it bother me, but sometimes it does.

Tiffany - posted on 02/27/2011

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I know how you feel. There is nothing more irritating for a stay at home Mom than the words "since you don't have a job".......

Becky - posted on 02/27/2011

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Tell them you DO work......you're busy building a doctor and the future president. And you have to get back to it because it's a 24/7 job. Then excuse yourself and smile while you walk away, knowing you are a good mom, and you are helping build the future. :c)

Sarah - posted on 02/26/2011

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I have been reading all these comments and it is disgusting that sahm get no respect for the most streesful job anyone can have.We are raising sons and daughters to become decent people but how do we do this when society doesn't respect sahm for the job we are doing.I think you are all amazing women who have the hardest unpaid job of all.I have 14month beautiful little boy and i have to work 3 days a week as i am a single mum and those 3 days it breaks my heart to put my son in daycare as i would do anything to be a sahm.Being a mum is the hardest but also most rewarding job of all

Kelly - posted on 02/25/2011

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It depends on my mood and who is saying it, but, yes it has ticked me off on more than one occassion.

Candi - posted on 02/25/2011

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My husband gets to stay home tomorrow morning while I work. With all 3 kids. Luckily mine are older now. My kids hate when they are home alone with my husband b/c he makes them do their chores. Imagine that! lol. They get them done with me, but I am nicer about it.

Claire - posted on 02/24/2011

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YES! My husband doesn't always appreciate what I do around the house or that I'm a stay at home mom. I just let him spend a few hours alone with her while I went out for some "me-time" and boy he sure was happy to see me when I got home! Now he understands how hard it can be every hour every single day!

Jessica - posted on 02/24/2011

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I Can Relate... People Are Always Saying That Though About Stay At Home Moms Though So Its Nothing New... I Think It Is Rude As There Not Home Taking Care Of There Kids... They Dont Have To Be The Nurse, The Mother, The Teacher, The Cook, Thecleaner Etc. I Think Speaking As A Stay At Home Mom It Doesnt Make Us Lazy Because We Stay At Home...So People Need To understand That No Matter Weather We Work Full Time Or Stay At Home Full Time Its Equal Work...

Tracy - posted on 02/24/2011

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Yes indeed - I have friends that are full-time workers and they will openingly admit that staying home is a harder job...In fact, most of them will say that they couldn't handle staying home. SO, maybe they are just jealous that you get to stay home. Know in your heart that this is the hardest job that we'll ever do and it's more hours than any "real" job and the pay isn't in dollars even!! LOL

Stifler's - posted on 02/23/2011

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I told Damo the house work would be halved if I worked and I would not be vacuuming bahahahaha. He hasn't said anything since.

Amanda - posted on 02/23/2011

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@ Amber- I saw the best solution for the question 'what do you do all day?" on a tv sitcom. The next day when the husband came home the hosue was destroyed and the kids were running around like nuts. When the husband asked what happened she told him "you know how you wondered what i do all day... well today I DIDNT DO IT" lol it was a great moment for all SAHMs

Brianna - posted on 02/23/2011

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Yes i hate that! i have family member exspecially my aunty that bugs me about it. my aunty even tried to applied me for a TA job at the school she works for without asking me!!! like who does that!? I have no reason to work.. i want to raise my kids, and my husband and i own are own flushby (oilfield truck) and he runs it so we make good money. Also its not like I do nothing all day.. im busy cleaning, cooking, taking care of the dogs (even bred dobies for a while), I take my daughter swimming with my sisterinlaw and her daughter twice a week, go to the gym weekly, do all the office work for our bussiness and ect. I think stay at home moms are not appreciated enough

Danielle - posted on 02/23/2011

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It doesn't irritate me..it pisses me off. Ppl that know me know better than to say something like that to me. It use to be bad till I started saying something back. Don't tell me I don't have a job..cuz I will gladly turn over my schedule to you for a day..then tell me I don't have a job. I've actually told someone that before lol. I agree with Rachel. I was also a CNA for a while in an assisted living facility and did pretty much the exact same thing but got paid for it.

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