since you're a ''stayathmmom'', how do you feel about not having your own money?

Joyi - posted on 12/21/2011

One thing that I really enjoyed was ( since my husband does the bills and whatnot ) was that hubby started putting X amount on a Paypal card and that was my blow money. It did not have to go to groceries or anything else and it was enough that I could reasonably save it up for bigger purchases. Having that money set aside on a separate credit card kept me from having to run and "ask" for money, but it also kept me from over-spending our household money. I also have a debit card that accesses our bank account and use that for household shopping and whatnot, but the blow money is mine and is the money I spend when I just want to buy something or a gift for him or whatever... or if I want to treat myself to something special without asking.

Lexi - posted on 12/20/2011

In my family we consider my husbands pay check to be "our" money. We have a joint bank account and we each have our own debit card for it. Every month we talk about expenses and budget out how much we can spend on groceries, bills, etc.... and how much extra there is for other stuff. Unless I'm wanting to get something expensive that we haven't included in the budget, I don't have to talk to him or ask him about anything. I just go shopping. If I do want to get something unplanned, we just talk about it and decide together if it's something we can wisely squeeze into the budget or if it needs to wait till the next pay check.

Happy - posted on 06/12/2011

The money that we receive from the paychecks are OUR money. Not his, not mine! WE decide together what money will be spent for what and why, in the form of our monthly budget. We then both have allowences that we spend as we will without asking or telling the other. But everyother dime, we decide TOGETHER! Everything is in BOTH of our names and we both have access at anytime to the money available, but again, we do not use it unless it is on the budget. IF one of us wants to purchase something that is in excess of or not even on the budget, we deiscuss it together. If we do not both agree, the one who wants to make the purchase must do so with their allowence money. When we first got married, we did not have this system and I felt so shamed to have to continually go to him for every little thing. This plan has worked beautifully for 4 years!

Happy - posted on 06/12/2011

The money that we receive from the paychecks are OUR money. Not his, not mine! WE decide together what money will be spent for what and why, in the form of our monthly budget. We then both have allowences that we spend as we will without asking or telling the other. But everyother dime, we decide TOGETHER! Everything is in BOTH of our names and we both have access at anytime to the money available, but again, we do not use it unless it is on the budget. IF one of us wants to purchase something that is in excess of or not even on the budget, we deiscuss it together. If we do not both agree, the one who wants to make the purchase must do so with their allowence money. When we first got married, we did not have this system and I felt so shamed to have to continually go to him for every little thing. This plan has worked beautifully for 4 years!

Stifler's - posted on 11/02/2010

Plus Damo never sees his account anyway, I pay the rent and buy groceries on pay day and put money in savings and we live off what's left.

Stifler's - posted on 11/02/2010

I have a copy of his keycard. I've had one since we lived together. I buy whatever I want for Logan and myself within reason as it's always been "our" money.

Alicia - posted on 11/02/2010

yeah it sucks =[ i agree with u there! i DID just start a babysittin job lol for $75 a week for like 3 or 4 days a week, yesterday. 6:30am - 330pm. i guess 75 is better than nothing but not by much but its a job is how i see it. its very annoying cuz my kids dont share good yet lol but its alright 4 now and is only temporary. im trying to save $ for xmas and stuff, but i also want to make sure electric is paid ahead of time so we dont have it to worry about, so the 1st $225 if for electric bill & then 70 for both kids pull ups/wipes and rest will be for christmas.

i agree on having to ask, i hate it =/ especially since sometimes we dont have extra $ to do stuff which is most of time but yeah. like he mentioned something bout me going to my parents this weekend so he can be with kids? nooooo way. i hate sleeping alone for one & 2, he ccan be up at 10am like i am to spend time with kids, not sleep so late in morning. he does work 2nd shift but i feel like crap on weekends cuz i get excited to do something to get told we cant. i miss my seasonal job alot but need to be at home with my kids. we have 1 vehicle and now thathe got his license back, he has it at work from 4pm-1am. and i get told i cant drive it cuz "i waste too much gas" so i get "driven" if i want to do something. its so stupid. i want a cheap car for me/kids during week

Nelly - posted on 11/02/2010

My husband gives me a weekly allowance to spend on me and the kids. Our joint account is for paying nills, groceries and for savingsbut if I need more than my allowance I will just go to the atm and withdraw it

Tiziana - posted on 11/02/2010

My husband and I have a joint account but I really have to check with him before I buy anything, mostly not because it's his money cause it ours, but because since I am no longer working we are on a very tight budget, I had a really good paying job so we lived accordingly, once we went to one salary it's hard. I'm kind of planning on getting a couple of shifts a week at a restaurant in Janury, just to make things a little easier.

Paulette - posted on 11/02/2010

Whenever I say to my husband that it's his money, he gets annoyed with me and tells me that it's our money. He even made sure I had my own ccards with my name on them. He works to bring home the money, but remember you work to raise your kids. He doesn't mind that I buy stuff for myself(with in reason of course). When you get married, shouldn't it be, your stuff is his and his stuff is your, which would include money? You might need to sit down and talk to his and tell him how you feel, a marriage is supposed to be equal. Good luck!

Allison - posted on 11/02/2010

It is your money too!!!!! I have a debit card that is attatched to our joint account. We also have a written budget....I go to the bank every other Friday and take out cash for gas and food.

Sara - posted on 11/01/2010

o wow hunny you guys are married now his money is your money.I feel unless you spend carelessly you shouldnt have to ask.I am a stay at home mom of 5 kids and one on the way and my husband hands the ck over to me when he gets home.I pay the bills and then he gets what he needs and I am able to spend what I want if we can afford it.You shouldnt have to ask and I would let him know that he is makin you feel this way about something that should be for the both of you.Good luck

Carisa - posted on 11/01/2010

In our marriage prep classes we were asked how much money our partner could spend without asking first. My husband said about $100 dollars (I said $50) My husband would actually get very irritated with me if I asked his permission before I went shopping. It is our money, not his money. Think of it this way, your salary is at least the amount of money you are saving not having your kids in daycare (never mind the housework, cooking, shopping, etc.)

Christa - posted on 11/01/2010

My husband and I have a joint account. I pay the monthly bills. And I don't have to ask him for money...but I still see what you are saying. We have 5 children, we have all our needs met; yet I have to watch how I spend money. So I have always felt guilty splurging on myself. I totally relate to "missing" bringing in a paycheck and having money to buy the "little things" I want. So I got a wahm job! I am still here with the kids being a full-time mom....only now I work a few hours a week and get a paycheck which gives me the freedom to splurge and not have to worry about taking money from the budget to get things. Plus it is so nice to get my husband's gifts without feeling like I am using the money HE earned. I totally could relate to the posts like that. I also agree with the other posts that you shouldn't feel like you have to ask for the money. As a SAHM you are working VERY hard for your family!!

Alexandra - posted on 10/31/2010

lol that's funny. But yeah ur right I do want him to read my mind!!!! (all the time)

Erin - posted on 10/31/2010

marriage is all about comprimise. When you took your vows your 2 lives became 1. Which means every aspect of your life became 1. You decided together that it would be best for you to be a homemaker and he have a regular blue collar (or white) job. Believe it or not, Homemaker is a job title according to the government, so in fact you are working- 24/7. However.. out of respect for your husband, come pay day doesn't entitle you to a shopping spree for yourself.
My husband and I have a joint checking account. My husband has gotten alot better, but when we first got married and he had a old checking account and then we also had one together, he was very viage about what was in his account, what he had spent, etc. But my husband has NO head for accounting what so ever! lol Eventually we closed his account and now only have a joint checking. he has gotten alot better about telling me what he spends and stuff- mainly because i want to track it in our check book and I can just check our account online.. Even though my husband earns the check and whats his and mine is OURS.. I still, out of respect, run my big purchases by him first. But im also one of those people who really don't like spending money on myself.
I would say, having to ask him for a $5 tshirt you saw is a little overboard. But have respect for him.

Mel - posted on 10/31/2010

I would just use the card and just buy something, casually mention it over dinner!!

Rebecca - posted on 10/30/2010

I'm not quite in the same position... My boyfriend usually has to force me to get out of the house when he's home lol. I was never comfortable asking him for money, hell, i have a huge problem with just asking him for gas money. It is a bit weird.

Tiffany - posted on 10/30/2010

Well, I would say it is not his money...you should consider it 'our' money. You're married, which means what's yours is his and what's his is yours. I would sit down and talk to your hubby and see about getting a joint account with your own card. What we do is pay our bills first and grocery shop then we see what we have left. I don't have my own card, but I just use his. I don't ask if I can buy something, unless it was a big item and then we discuss it. I will say that I did like making my own money, but I take care of our child and who better to do that then her Mommy right? Open communication is key. Just talk it out. =) Good Luck!

Erin - posted on 10/30/2010

We don't have a joint account but my husband gives me a cheque at the beginning of the month that's just mine, this covers my car lease, personal expenses, gas, going out etc Everything family/house related goes on the family cc which he takes care of.
As for the buy gifts issue, I use a "miles/points" personal credit card for EVERYTHING (and then pay it off when I get my cheque) and near the end of the year (husband b-day is also in Dec) I cash in my "miles" for gift cards to use when shopping for him, I traded for about $300 worth last year and expect about the same this year. Its not as much as I would have spent on him when I was working but I can still get some nice gifts, stocking stuffers, something from Santa etc for that.

For some reason having the money in my own account makes it a bit easier, its only awkward when he occasionally forgets to give me the cheque and I have to ask :)

Dawn - posted on 10/30/2010

I hate it too. I have my own credit card which I use and my husband is meant to pay off but this has only happened once! I recently sold my 'big pushchair' which I paid for when I was working, I wanted to put the money away in my savings account for any future big purchases but felt I had to put it towards my credit card bill as he's not paid it yet despite my telling him.
I really want my own money again but don't like the idea of leaving my daughter with strangers and also I'd not come out with much after paying for the childcare which I'm sure I'd be left with!

Michelle - posted on 10/29/2010

Its funny that you should post this because I have been struggling with this for the last few weeks. I have worked since I was 16 and starting the beginning of september I became a stay at home mom and now completely rely on my husband for money. Until today I was thinking of it negatively, like I think you are viewing it. Ever heard of self fulfilling prophecy's? Its kind of like if you always think negatively its not surprise that something negative happens because that is what you are looking for. So I say to you and myself, lets think positively! We get to spend all the time in the world with our babies that crave it so badly so how can you think anything but in a positive way? Also, everyone deals with their finances differently, I suggest getting joint checking accounts and one person manage the bills. I think it should be you that way you know how much you can spend on groceries. And if like me you need your own money to be fulfilled, take up a craft and get on etsy.com! =) hope this helps, it helped me as I was typing it haha

Kayla - posted on 10/29/2010

Hmm.. a joint checking account would be nice. My bf takes me to the store to get things I need. (I dont have a car or license) and if I want something I throw it in the cart. then he usually says something and i put it back and cause a scene and then he puts it back in the cart :) lol. My bf, the only way to get through to him is to act childish.

Tiffany - posted on 10/29/2010

me and my husband have a joint account and joint savings account. i dont usually ask to spend money but i do tell him when and how much i spend so we both know how much is in the account and stuff. we both check the bank everyday before we buy anything.
now if i wanna make a big purchase ill ususally talk to him about it first. he is the same way. he always makes sure that i feel like it is my money as well.
when we first got married i did fell weird about spending his money because i was still in school but after about a year being married and having a kid i didnt let it bother me anymore.
there was one fight we got into that really changed it all, he is in the army and was away and i needed to buy some stuff for our son and i knew i would probably be spending about 200 total and i couldnt get a hold of him to ask him so i checked the bank and made sure the bills were paid and just went and got everything i needed to get. he found out and got really mad so to make the long story short i pretty much told him that i already have a father and if i wanted to feel like i was still a kid asking for money from my parents than i would have stayed home and not gotten married. it took him a few days but he realized that just because i may not have a 9-5 job that i still have a right to that money. my "job" is 24/7 and i get no breaks or vacations. lol!

Tiffany - posted on 10/29/2010

I am a married stay at home mommy. i only get stressed out about not having my own money when things are tight. I hate leaving my Hubby to work to pay everything. He doesn't expect me to make money, but I still feel bad. We have a joint checking account and he doesn't mind if I spend a little money when we have it as long as the bills are paid, gas etc.

Melissa - posted on 10/29/2010

I am in the exact same situation, it freaking sux to feel like you have to get an allowance. At least I can say my fiance has to run all purchases by me too, but sometimes he doesn't and I feel bad saying anything cuz he's out there working hard. That aside I have purchase one pair of shoes in the past year and he has purchased maybe four... I'm the woman!!! I'm all about this sacrifice but I'm a shoe and clothes addict and its hard going cold turkey lol.

Steph - posted on 10/29/2010

My husband and I go with the "what yours in mine and mine is yours" philosophy. We have a joint account and share everything. I am able buy what I want, when I want. I do discuss any purchases over $200 though, He does the same with me. It is always a mutual decision when we spend money.

Alexis - posted on 10/29/2010

My hubby works right now but at times I worked and he stayed home so we both understand how it feels. Both of us have access to the money regardless of who is working at the time. We do consult each other it its more than a few dollars and let the other know at the end of the day if we did buy something so we don't over spend, but the only time we say no is when we don't have the money. If I want new clothes, or holiday decorations I let him know and usually I can go get it. If he wants a new video game or part for his off road truck he lets me know and usually he can go get it. If its something really pricey we let each other know and work as a team to save up for it. It really is a lot of give and take and communication.

Denise - posted on 10/29/2010

Hey Alexandra, I am a SAHM too. My husband just gives me the pay check and I pay all the bills. He wants nothing to do with it. I even tell him he should see how it is done so that if for some reason I cannot he won't be lost on what to do. All he cares about is that when he wants to buy something there is money for that. He trusts and respects me that I won't spend foolishly and I alway discuss with him if I want to make a big purchase. I think that is the way it should be. I would hate it if I had to go to him eveytime I needed money. Your husband is working and bringing in the pay check but you are taking care of the children. Its a big job and should be appreciated even if we don't get paid for it. Have you spoke to him about this? I would share your feeling about it with him.

Deepa - posted on 10/29/2010

My hubby made me as Finance manager @ home. So he transfers some money on his salary date to my Account and i can do whatever i want with that money. Though we both use each others card, This money is meant to be for food, toys, clothes ad all misc. He pays all bills and rent. So this is only to spend for that month. And whatever remains, is for me. for anything i like. Till date i havent bought anything for me like that but i would say, i am happy about his strategy. We too are living on an average salary and whatever remains is for both of us.

I think in ur case it is not the way the money is used, it is about ur feeling that you have to ask. I too feel that many a times.. you never have to ask him for that; if you are on something like this. Feel free there is nt anything wrong in asking what he has is all yours so dnt consider that as kind of "begging".. It s your money too.hope this helps

Amanda - posted on 10/29/2010

we have a joint account that i can use to go shopping. i still don't feel like it is my money, though.

Brittany - posted on 10/28/2010

Have you talked to your husband about this? Maybe he just hasn't thought about it. Husbands don't notice when their wife doesn't get something new or when their wife doesn't get to just get a cup of coffee when they feel like it. It's not because their bad, it's just because their men. :-D Definately take the time to talk to him about it and work out a system that allows you to spend a little bit of money on whatever you feel like it. I bet he just hasn't even thought about it.

Nikki - posted on 10/28/2010

I hope I don't get in trouble for this but I started my own business!!! Feel free to email me if you want info! It's awesome!!!!!!!! I also just use the card to the joint account and he tells me its not his money it's ours. I usually tell him and ask before using it and he tells me not to as just use it, it's what its there for. We make sure we have enough money for what we want and bills are paid first. He has to tell me to go do something for myself. lol Just ask your husband to work something out so you don't feel like a teen, ya'll are in this together! I however don't feel an actual job is a good idea for us cause the money I make would go to child care and I would rather be with my baby! Best of luck and if you feel like it message me!

Alexandra - posted on 10/28/2010

yeah thats a good idea. We used to have a joint account when he was st.in Germany (my husband is in the army). He was depl. the whole time we were in Germany and he put money on that account for me and the kids. But he had like 3 different banks and all his money went to one of those, not our joint.acc!!! He asked if i want a joint acc again (since we re in the states), but to me it makes no sence because there will be no money on it anyways lol

Joy - posted on 10/28/2010

My husband works 12 hours a day, 6 (sometimes 7) days a week. I am in charge of our money. As in, I make sure bills are paid and there is always food and other necessities. But it is OUR money, not his, not mine. If I need something and we can afford it, I get it. Same with if he needs something. Our son's needs always come first. If there are things we both want (not need) we discuss and if we can, we get them. A lot of the time we don't but neither of us ever "asks for money" from the other. It's ours. We're a team. He works outside the home, and we both consider what I do every day as a SAHM to be work inside the home. With him understanding that what I do is work, just as much as what he does is work, I think that makes it easier on us both to see our possessions (money included) as ours.

Hannah - posted on 10/28/2010

Funny I was just thinking of this today!! And yes I do miss being able to buy what I want WHENEVER I want....However, most times now when I am out shopping, it is for my son. I mean really what do I NEED that I don't have right now? I have a roof over my head, food on the table, internet(could not live without it!) and clothes. I don't need cds, a ton of shoes, purses, makeup or anything extra like that anymore(of course it is always nice to treat yourself once in awhile :) My son on the other hand needs diapers, formula, toys(but not lots) his solid foods, shoes, and lets not forget clothes that he grows out of every three months or so! And actually I quite enjoy spending on him rather than me...I feel guilty like I took money away from him, lol....but at the same time I think it is important to treat yourself!!

Melissa - posted on 10/28/2010

We share a bank account and all of the money...I have a card and he has one too..being a stay at home mom doesnt mean you cant buy yourself something with his money...Staying at home is your JOB!.....first off its not his its both of yours..he has to realize that now!
Since we share an account I do all the budgeting and paying of the bills...I split whatever money is left over..which isnt much these days...but I slpit it between us to buy stuff we want...sometimes I get more...lol...but that what he wants! I do, now have a job a few hours a week but its still our money!

Tiffany - posted on 10/28/2010

This may seem awful, and selfish, but it is far from that. My husband and I have a very diff way of doing the money. He never sees his check. I go to his work, pick it up and from there go straight to the bank. I deposit $295 per week. That $295 per week covers our bills with a little extra. What ever is left after the deposit, I go straight to the groc store and buy groc. Then what ever is left after that, we do what we want with. I NEVER tell my husband how much we have left over though. And he knows why and agrees with my reasoning. He gets $5-$10 per day to go to work on. He choses to eat dollar menu if he dont come home for lunch. If I give him $20 per day, he will always come home with an excuse of why he had to spend it. If I give him $40 the same happens. If he knows how much money we have in my wallet he will get money out with out letting me know, or he will buy something that is just off the wall and unnessesary. (in my opinion and his) I controll all money and it is an agreement that if I buy something for myself, then he buys something for his self of equal price. The kids NEVER do without. It seems selfish and unfair for him to have no knowladge of the money to other people, but him and I both agree that if it dont work that way, we will end up homeless or with out food or power and so on. He has no concept of money managment. There for I deal with where the money goes and he deals with making it. We have never run into an arguement over money ever. (except one time when he tried to deal with it and couldnt figure out where $150 went cuz he didnt remember spending it lol) But for us, this is the only way it will work.

Christi - posted on 10/28/2010

I do have my own money, it's inheritance, but when you get married, yours and mine become ours.

Corinne - posted on 10/28/2010

We have our own personal accounts and a joint account. Any income from child benefit, child or working tax is paid directly to me, and he has his wages. Bills are split between us, he pays the rent on the house and I clothe the kids. Everything we have is split as equally as is possible, we are a team, and both work our nuts off every day. Why should I ask my equal for cash? I would go nuts! :)

Summer - posted on 10/28/2010

All income is "our" money. We are both responsible for the bills and any expenses. We discuss any large purchases together, but I never have to "ask" to spend money. I usually say, "hey i'm going out with the girls and we are getting lunch and a movie" or "i'm heading out to Bare Esentials to grab some makeup". We both know how much money there is and wether we have any to spend on "extras". You should communicate about where the money goes but be sure to let him know how you feel about "asking" for money and find a better way to resolve this issue. Good Luck!

Heather - posted on 10/28/2010

My husband and I have an agreed on amount that we can spend w/out consulting the other when we need something (as far as our joint monies are concerned). However, we also each have personal checking accounts, which receive the same amount direct deposited from his paycheck every two weeks. I use that money if I'm dying for a piece of clothing that I don't really need or want to see a show w/friends or buy something else "frivolous". He's technically earning it, yes, but we both feel strongly that I shouldn't have to feel guilty about not earning the income he does or have some kind of "allowance" or something, because he values what I do in our home.
I'd suggest talking to your husband about how you feel like an adolescent, etc. under your current system. Quite possibly he just doesn't realize how it feels to you. Just use that lovely "I feel"... works wonders, I think. =)
Good luck to you.

Lady Heather - posted on 10/28/2010

We have a budget. My husband transfers the monthly amount to my account and then I spend it on the things we need. There's always a little there for entertainment so I can go out for a coffee or a clothing budget so I can get what myself or my daughter might need.

You either need a joint account, a system like ours, or to live on cash. You shouldn't just be stuck at home with no way to pay for anything.

That said, we make sure we consult on larger purchases. I don't just go out and buy whatever I want.

Shanna - posted on 10/28/2010

Im going through this now!! My husband works a very good job, and I havent been working. I mean I would love to work, but my husband would rather have 2 jobs then for me to work. He wants me to stay home and take care of the kids. Sometimes I feel very hesitant to ask for money for things like my hair. or something ridiculous like that because I feel like it is not my money. You have to look at it this way. If you are married to the man, his money is your money and vice versa. You guys are a team, whenever one of you have something the other person has it also. Im currently working on this right now, but i think its easier to give advice then to take my own LOL

Bethany - posted on 10/27/2010

I have all the bills on my computer's calander, plus all the incomings, so I can see fortnight to fortnight what needs to go out, and what needs to stay in. I love internet banking. Some easy months, I buy up the presents and what not for the coming occasions, and the tight months don't seem so bad because the things are already bought. That includes shoes and clothes in all the bigger sizes for my daughter when they're on special. She's 20 mths, so plenty of sizes to go yet. And I've been buying christmas presents on sale since March LOL.

Sarah - posted on 10/27/2010

Like the other moms have mentioned, my husband & I have a joint account with two debit cards...one for him, one for me. We keep a close eye on our bank statement online & make sure we know where our money is going. Yes, my husband brings home the paycheck, but raising & supporting our family is a joint effort. He works outside the home & I take care of our son. It's OUR money & my husband is okay with that.

Leslie - posted on 10/27/2010

Like most, we also have a joint account that is used to pay all the bills, groceries, gas, etc. We both have a debit card for this account. Depending on how tight we are in the pay period (which is often!), there might not be a lot of $$ left over for much else. Because of this --- not because he makes me --- I would always discuss a purchase with my husband. It's not really permission, I am just being respectful of the fact that money may be tight, and that since he handles the finances, he needs to know what is going out of the account. We have had some tense moments: like he needed stuff for work that was going to cost over $100 --- but a decent nursing bra was just not necessary in his opinion. I tell ya, he changed his mind pretty quick when he was reminded he would never touch the bra or it's contents again if he didn't crawl back out of the cave and take off the wife beater. We also have set a specific amount that absolutely may NOT be exceeded. don't even ask. We each also have our own savings account that a certain amount goes into and that's for us to decide individually. This is somewhat unfair since I usually buy all kid related items: clothes, presents, sports, etc. from this account, but I also do get a bigger chunk. But bottomline is you shouldn't have to ask or beg in a partnership. You 2 became 1 when you said for better or worse........you shouldn't be made to feel like a kept woman. What he is doing with the finances is a form of control over you and it isn't right.

Good Day! - posted on 10/27/2010

It's all "our" money. Yes, he technically earns it, but it's for our family. Just like I take care of the house and cook the food, it's not "my" house and food, it's ours for the family. I also take care of the budget and have every access I need to our joint account. It's a team effort to run a family. Neither of us can do it all.

Jennifer - posted on 10/27/2010

The money my husband earns is considered "our money". We have a joint account and both spend the money when we need/want to, but obviously if it's a costly buy we discuss it first.

Jodi - posted on 10/27/2010

It's OUR money, I take care of balancing the checkbook (we dont' use credit cards) and know how much is in the account, what bills have been paid and still need to be paid. I take care of the finances and I inform my husband when I'll be taking a little out to spend on things other than groceries, obviously I discuss big ticket items/ anything really expensive before purchasing and I expect the same in return. BUT, I don't have a need to buy much for myself, the odd scrapbooking supply or what not. I dont' think it's healthy to always have to ask for money like a child, it's a controlling maneuver and degrading...I would get out of that habit fast!