Spanking your kids. What do YOU think is too much?

Queen - posted on 07/20/2011

Is it really THAT serious? Don't we have enough chaos outside the home? There should be peace on the inside. I am not here to judge anyone on what they should or shouldn't do for whatever works for them and their family. I can only say what works for me and mine. But I will say that some think that it is cute for a young child to say something inappropriate. Then when they get older it is not so cute then. (Not saying that is the case here.) Well the behavior should have been corrected when it started. Then too kids learn a lot from other kids. If they get away with it then your kids may try it too. I have learned from experience to stay calm and consistent. This works pretty well for me. Good luck to you all.

Janine - posted on 03/02/2010

Ok, call me old school but back in the day where you got sent to the principle's office and got the cane or cuts you dreaded it and wouldn't do whatever you did again. Back in the day when you did something wrong your daddy would pull your pants down and spank you and you wouldn't do whatever you did again..... Much less crime happened back in the day....... much less drugs happened back then, Much less killings ect ect. I was spanked when I got out of line and I thank God I had good parents to teach me right from wrong instead of a little smack on the back of the hand. If I got a spanking - I deserved it. I'm a 36yr old woman with a hyperactive 5yr old and a 2yr old. My 5yr old knows he gets a warning then if he does it again he gets a good "crack". Or he has to obey me and fix whever he has done before I count to 3. I'm a firm believer in a spanking..... as long as its not beating. Also, for teenages - there is nothing wrong with a little soap in the mouth. If they want to talk like they live in the gutter - then what better way to "clean" them up? You can buy "green" soap that will not harm them.... but no teenager is going to swallow it anyway. Its just a good lesson to teach them that you still rule the roost!
Sorry if you think I'm harsh...... Have you watched worlds strictest parents? Maybe you could all learn a thing or two from them...... I had an awesome upbringing and I was blessed to have parents that loved me enough to teach me right from wrong - gotta be cruel to be kind!
BTW- Untill you have had a child that goes totally out of control and bounces off the walls you really can't put someone down for spanking them. You don't live in their shoes, you don't know what they've had to endure all day long, you don't know just how long their fuse has reached until they almost break. Ask anyone with a child with ADHD!

Amber - posted on 03/02/2010

Does it scream hypocrisy that adults can drive and vote and own houses and work but kids can't. No it screams responsibility. Adults should be responsible and have enough self control enough to know when it is appropriate and when it not. One swat without leaving marks screams self control. You just can't do that when you are out of control. Someone who has a hard time controlling their anger should never spank because of the risk of losing it. The issue of spanking doesn't just depend on the personality of the child (weather they would respond better to other discipline or not) it also depends on the personality of the parents. so truly anyone who demands a one size fits all parenting technique is really just blessed to be so sheltered.

Rhonda - posted on 03/02/2010

I am going to respong to this topic. I have talked to several people that are at a higher level than me and I was told it is not bad to spank your child as long as it is done on there bottom and no where else. I have been told that there bottom is there safety zone. I have a 14 year old and I did not have to spank him to often because when he heard moms voice change he knew I ment business. He is a very respectful child and he says yes maam and no maam. I am not trying to brag on my child but see when he was coming up he went through alot with his bialogical daddy. The worst thing that would hurt my son is when I took stuff away from him that he liked to do. So people can try that too. I do not like it when people talk about putting soap in a childs mouth because that stuff burns and it is not good to put into your mouth. I had it done alot when I was a child and I said if i ever had a child i would never put soap in his/her mouth.

Kristin - posted on 03/02/2010

I will admit that if my kid is reaching for the stove top or attempting something else that is just not safe, I have slapped hands. It's a reaction that occurs with no thought. If I have slapped their hands, I promptly explain that I was scared that they would hurt themselves even more. I tell them how what they were doing was going to hurt them and I apologize for slapping their hands. However, as one of our house rules is no hitting, it screams hypocrisy to spank them. They see us hit them, it must be okay. Only it isn't, so I really try hard to catch myself before it happens. I really try to apply the "treat others as you would like to be treated" adage to parenting. But, mine know that my job is to be their mom and see to their overall well being and not to be their friend. I can be that later, when they have kids of their own.



I have had my mouth washed out with soap, it was awful and didn't really alter the behaviour or my opinion that brought about that behaviour. I can't say that I will NEVER do it, but I don't intend to do that. My kids spend time in time out (1st offence) and lose whatever their favorite thing is(at the time) for talking back to me until they can be repectful (2nd offense). I rarely have a third offense and that has usually resulted in being banished to bed/naptime.



You are correct in that every child is absolutely different and responds differently. What they all have in common, with the exception of the occasional sociopath, is a desire to please and get positive attention. So, playing up what they do right and building from there seems to work better than any spanking ever could. I'm not saying that priveledges shouldn't be revoked for bad behaviour, it absolutely should. But if they get pulled from a fun thing because they are acting out, they will want to get to go again and will try harder the next time. Kids are constantly learning and exploring where the boundaries are, your job is to teach them and let them know when their actions are crossing those boundaries.



I think kids do need to have a healthy repect for the rules and their parents, but it shouldn't be born of pain and fear. There are other methods that should be explored and tried first. If our children are so scared of us, how can we teach and guide them into adulthood? These children that are running amok have so many priveldges, that they see as rights, that have just been given to them and not earned. Most adults will agree that anything worth having, is worth earning through work and patience. That is what has been lost and needs to be taught to our kids. Even a 3-4 year old can start learning to be patient and to help get work done. It is a bit of a shock to go from having it all done for them, but they aren't babies anymore and they will adapt. This is another way for them to earn lots of praise as well as priveledges and to learn a good work ethic.



Okay so totally off topic, but it comes down to instilling respect for rules and authority. I don't care for spanking, slapping, or smacking kids if it can be avoided. I believe that should be the last option for parent's. It's just too slippery slope. As for the soap, there are other yucky, non-chemical options that could be used instead. I hope this helped, as I know parenting philosophies can get really complicated and vary so much.

Amber - posted on 03/02/2010

I think every discipline should have a logical reason for it. A specific cause effect type thing. We only spank or slap hands to insteal fear in our kids. Kids need a healthy fear of somethings like the oven or a busy road. If I warn them to stop when they come to a busy road and the don't I swap their bottom. It hurts a lot less than getting hit by a car but gets the same effect. I tried not to spank but I only found myself describing gruesome scenarios of what if's. The soap I use not for cussing but when they put dirty things in their mouths like boogers. the logic; to clean the dirt. If my kids showed antisocial behavior like cussing at me they would not be allowed to socialize with others, they would be grounded to their rooms. Of course you are right they are much hard to control once they have a drivers license but at that point everything becomes financial. It you don't follow the family rules you don't get the benefits of being part of the family. It is not abuse to only provide healthy food, cheap (goodwill) clothes, and a warm dry empty bedroom. I bet they will find their motivation to straighten up fast. I don't have teens yet. but I know what worked when we were growing up.

Heather - posted on 03/01/2010

I spank my children and I use time out. I swat them on the butt with my hand. I understand the difference between a beating and a spanking. Now washing a mouth out with soap is out of the question. People who do need to realize soap has POISON in it, hello, your child could aspirate and possibly die! Not a regular occurance but still possible. Really a bit harsh. When or if I have o swat my children, which is an extremely rare occasion, I talk to them about why they got a swat. I know someone who just knocks the heck outta their kid with no explanation. which both are not ok with me. I'm sorry but if you have to give spankings everyday or more often then its really not the right approach. They need to be learning and if your spanking every day or more, they are not getting it and you should find another method really. I have one son you could spank all day and wouldn't care, but you send him to his room and its the end of the world. Find something that gets the point across without actually hurting your child. and talking to a child is not "because I said so." Talk to them on their level, they will learn so much faster; and remember monkey see monkey do. Your child(ren) will do as you do its how they learn. So if you're a *@#& then thats how they are learning to act, and no amount of do as I say not as I do is going to change that.



aspirate- to inhale (fluid or a foreign body) into the bronchi and lungs, often after vomiting.



also I had a step mom and birth mom beat the hell out of me, when my father realized what was going on with them (at different times) he removed them from me. He did spank my butt, and I remember each time I've gotten swats from him and exactly what they were for.

Regan - posted on 02/28/2010

Personally I don't like the work spanking! That's what I do to my husband when he's naughty!! hehehe. Anyway I have used smacking with all of my children as a last straw. I have a friend who uses a very different way of timeout! Her timeout is holding your child's arms firmly and cuddling them. I have seen this in action! It works! I was so amazed. She held him and cuddled him and spoke quietly to him, telling him he was naughty and what he had done was naughty, but she loves him and he needs to face what he did and understand that it is naughty. Mean while he was going off! Screaming and crying. But it worked, he calmed down and then they talked about it quietly. I think smacking is a part of bring your child up, but should only be used as a last resort. Some may disagree and that's fine, everyone is entitled to their opinion. I do feel sorry for all those kids who have to grow up in abuse whether it be on them or just seeing it. Sometimes I think my parents went to far, but I turned out to be a good person, which is more then what I can say for some of the kids/ teenagers around today. It's all about respect and whether you teach that to your kids or not! And spending time to get to know your kids,if you have time to watch T.V or 5mins to have a smoke then you've got time to learn something new about your child/ren.

Tanya - posted on 02/27/2010

As a mother of seven I have realized that each child is different and different things work for each different little being. My questions is when two children do the same thing but one child nothing helps and the other gets upset just knowing they did wrong how to you discipline them fairly without one feeling you are to hard on them and the other don't care what they have done was wrong or bad?

Maria - posted on 02/27/2010

Personally, I wouldn't stick soap in a kid's mouth, but it also won't kill them. It just tastes absolutely horrible. For a small child, I think up to three swats on the bottom is appropriate.

I really don't know what I'd do with my kid if she swore at me as a teenager. Yes, let's hope it doesn't happen, but if it did... I'd recommend an appropriate consequence for the unnecessary attitude of not being respectful and mature in her disagreement with us. In the end, though, it's a bit of a crap shoot. And if she caught me in the wrong mood, I might not be so understanding.

Really, what I think we should focus on is teaching our children how to cope with other humans. We should all try our best to be kind to one another at every age. But sometimes we fail at that. Maybe we're not getting enough sleep. Maybe something upsetting just happened. Both parents and children should learn how to backtrack, how to be sincerely apologetic for their behavior, how to be forgiving without being a doormat, and to make the best efforts in problem-solving to keep a negative situation from happening again.

Jeanette - posted on 02/27/2010

I think that spanking is beneficial in certain situations, and I use soap in the mouth for bad words and spitting. Which by the way has only been twice in my 6 year olds entire existence. Kids are going to push their boundaries, and they will do things you teach them are wrong, just for the heck of it. When you punish them accordingly they will remember it and not repeat the action that got them there. I also believe that you need to be age appropriate. You can't put soap in the mouth of a toddler. A 5 year old who knows better? yes. Time outs can be effective, but consistency is definitely key. Find something that works and stick with it. I hate spanking my kids,but I do it when the situation calls for it. IE: bad attitudes that just won't stop! Once in awhile. I rarely have to spank, but when I do it works. It is NOT abuse unless it is taken too far. Everyone knows that there is a line that should not be crossed. I was spanked as a child and knew better than to disrespect an adult. But when I did it anyway, I was spanked or had soap put in my mouth. These techniques worked, that is why we use them!!! Kids 20 years ago were much better behaved than a lot of kids are now. BECAUSE OUR PARENTS SPANKED US.

Retta - posted on 02/27/2010

I LOVE AND AGREE WITH YOU 100%! IT IS HOW YOU RAISE YOUR KIDS!

Melanie - posted on 02/27/2010

ok this is gonna be a long answer. as far as im concerned newborns to nearly a year old cant do wrong except maybe biting when nursing. i believe in discipline not always punishment. as long as youre consistant what ever you try should work. i save spankings for a last ditch effort. one because used all the time they lose effectiveness and two if youre gonna use it make sure its something they think of as being saved for really bad behavior so if you have to use it they know its a big deal but i do use it occasionally. when they were little i used redirection to start if they refused to get it thats when i went to the naughty spot. it goes with me where ever i go. this is for my 8 and 10 year olds. the 8 yo likes to hit his sister when he doesnt get his way. he hates it so much worse than spanking. they have to face the way and arent allowed to touch the wall or sit down and hands have to stay behind the back. it shouldnt be pleasant. or even comfortable. i started with this for my 8 yo son billy when he was was almost 18 mo. its just when he started misbehaving my 10 yo daughter meg was 3 so almost the same time but shes so easy and it was just as easy to redirect her but him not so much. as they got older i started taking things away from them. computer time ( they were supposed to get 30 min a day provided they were behaving themselves) or tv time etc. i have even (after spaking) in desperate situations because nothing else worked had them say good by to a toy forever. i called a friend down the street and asked can your daughter have a toy ive taken away from meg. she said sure so we walked down and had her say goodbye and explained that its hopes barbie now. it doesnt belong to you because you cant seem to mind. that was a few year ago the barbies are all put up now waiting a few years til the 3 mo old is interested. (no point in buying allnew for her) another something i use on my teen (hes 16 and a sophomore) is taking clubs away. he was going to some club meeting (all different clubs) every day after school. i got a call from his english teacher saying not only is he failing but sleeping in class. he vehemently denied it. but later admitted it. goofy thing. so hes limited to one club after school til i get a good report card. and no more calls from the teacher. if hes supposed to wash the dishes i take the ipod and phone away and ive explained its not a punishment but just taking away distractions and he can have it back when its done. usually thats no ploblem. but i have to admitt i did slug him in the shoulder once when he got mad and flipped me off. but later it became a funny story we both told. he couldnt believe he did that either. and of course discuss with why what theydid was wrong. let them ask questions. the big thing is not to let them see you get upset. i alway say kids are like sharks and its just chummin the waters (like sharks in that they are instinctual not malicious) they need you to be strong. and you have to be not just for you but for them.

Retta - posted on 02/26/2010

i agree! sometimes i hate doing it, it kills my soul but that is the only they listen! kids are so head strong these days!

Lauren - posted on 02/26/2010

i don't believe a harsh spanking is good.. just a tap on the butt or hand is what i meant to say.

Retta - posted on 02/26/2010

im not trying too judge anyone, but most of the mothers on here that disagree with spanking are the ones that kids are disrespecting! like a few mothers said, it is the way you do it! it is not abuse only if your very aggressive! i stand by it and i always will, their is noone on this planet that can tell me not too, unless they been through the labor with me until then all kids need disciplne especially out of control teens, maybe spanking them every once in awhile will help reduce drug users and teen pregnacy!

Retta - posted on 02/26/2010

i believe that spanking a kid is very well needed! not abusing them but a slap on the butt or thigh a few times! kids now a days have no discipline, their scared of nothing! i was a spanked kid and i turned out great, i see parents everyday allowing their as young as 2 disrespect them in public and cursing at them! a lot of ppl do not believe spanking is neccassary but i do! i have a 2year old who does not listen to any thing i say, i have tried the nice voice, time out, punshiment and even spanking do not help at times! but how can you not discipline your kid, they'll only turn out better!

Lauren - posted on 02/26/2010

i believe that a spanking on the butt is not bad... but i also think the most workable punishment is time outs... but you have to stick to it... and make them stay in it for the entire time.. they say for time outs its a minute for the age of ur child.. my 6 yr old gets minimum of 10 minutes.. the worse the crime the more time she gets... my 2 olders ones hate time outs... and it works for me.. good luck

Lauren - posted on 02/26/2010

i believe that a spanking on the butt is not bad... but i also think the most workable punishment is time outs... but you have to stick to it... and make them stay in it for the entire time.. they say for time outs its a minute for the age of ur child.. my 6 yr old gets minimum of 10 minutes.. the worse the crime the more time she gets... my 2 olders ones hate time outs... and it works for me.. good luck

Rita - posted on 02/26/2010

My 3 yo is very well behaved. I always remain calm, we absolutely go crazy praising the behavior we want him to repeat.
When he did have undesirable behavior, we simply ....CALMLY...very calmly remove him from the situation, and I would whisper in his ear..."When ou are no longer behaving this way, feel free to come back to play." Totally ignore the undesired...but praise the hell out of the behaviors you want to see.
kids love to be praised...they love to impress you.
Spanking....I have never had to consider it, and wouldnt....remaining calm and not letting the little one's behavior get the best of you....is the best thing you could do. Once they have the upper hand.....you are done....

Michelle - posted on 02/26/2010

I think it is ok to spank; but not beat.Not slap..but a pop on the butt is not going to hurt the child ..Now I dont agree with the soap in the mouth..I think that is going to far...You cant let your kids run over you..But you cant abuse them either..There is to many kids doing what they want to now..Some of them are from parents who didnt discipline at all ..some are from parents who went over bored ..you have to balance it ..that is what being a parent is about.

Charlotte - posted on 02/26/2010

well there is only 3 people that no this but when i was younger my mum nd er partner was violent with each other and then wen they split up she became violent towards me wich made me runaway to my boyfriends wen i found owt i was pregnant none of my family knew, they stoppd tlki t mi wen they found out then startd agen wen i was bout 6/7 months into pregnancy i hated my mum 4 wot she did and thats y i believe that hittin r slappin ur child is rong.
there are utha punishments;
naughty step
take there toys of them
no sweets 4 a week
something like tht thts guna hit thm morew because if u smack them there guna fink tht they cn carry on aftyer 1 smak nd after u will end up sayin sorry wen the child should have been haved were as if u take there stuff away they will learn the right way and then u dont feel bad for hurting them

Myra - posted on 02/26/2010

At any point, when the punishment becomes associated with your own anger, frustration, or feelings of disappointment and not the problem you are trying to fix with the child, the punishment is too much.

Heather - posted on 02/25/2010

I have never been a fan of spanking a child. I have seen children get litterally beat, way more than a spanking (one pop on the butt) and For years I have said that spanking solves nothing, the only thing it does do it prove that you are bigger than your child and it promotes a lesson in the child that its okay to hit. My oldest son is 12 about to turn 13 soon, I never had any behavioral problems with him ,he was very easy going, wasnt defiant at all, never tried to get away with anything.He was and still is a people pleaser, he just wants to do whatever he can to make everyone around him happy. I know it sounds like a cliche but he was a perfect kid. So I could not understand when I would see friends, family and strangers children running amuck and the parents not being able to control their own children. I just thought it was lazy, and bad parenting on their part.
Then I had my youngest son. Ohmygod. He was a little beast right from the day he was born. screamed relentlessly for the entire first year of his life and nothing would make him stop. He was just determined that screaming was what he wanted to do. Then he started walking at 9 months - two days after he proceeded to throw his first full blown temper tantrum complete with throwing himself on the floor kicking and screaming. The became a frequent occurance, like 2-10 times daily. He is now 5 years old and the temper fits are less frequent, but even one is way more than m ynerves can handle. He is 5 years old and there is no call for his fits. he is full aware of what he is doing and that he wants his own way. I cannot understand why he still mdoes it since not once in his entire life have I ever given into his demands. And although I am still mostly against spanking of my children, my youngest has gotten popped on the bottom 3 times already this year. I hate to spank him, and i have treid every other avenue - time out, early bed time, no cartoons, no friends over, taking away a favorite toy to combat the behavior, and sometimes a (ONE) quick pop on the bottom , a clothed bottom, is the only option.

Tabitha - posted on 02/25/2010

i dont spank my son because he is only 1 and a half and when he sees people hitting other people he starts to do it too so he gets a time out!

Suzanne - posted on 02/25/2010

If one has anger issues stemming from abuse they received as a child, then any is too much. It is too easy to lose control of one's emotions, especially when one has not learned any better. I use techniques learned from parenting class, and coping skills from anger management. They work for me!



I forgot to mention that it is never ok to use inedibles as punishment for swearing. Number one some can be poisonous. Number two some can give the child diarrhea or stomach aches. I have a friend in my circle who uses hot sauce...very effective!

Jessica - posted on 02/25/2010

@Annie Dean- Um, did you READ my post? I never compared spanking to spousal abuse, I'm not sure where you are getting that. My point was that spanking can have very detrimental consequences to a child, not all children are the same in terms of how they react to different forms of discipline, and as a parent you need to know your child well enough to know if what you're doing is working or if its causing more harm than good. Also... yeah sure, a 14 month old is too young for a detailed explanation of why something is bad (though again, not something I brought up...) but they are also too young to understand why you are hitting them! Part of discipline (and being a parent) is having a good understanding of development and what children are capable of understanding at their age.

Annie - posted on 02/24/2010

Spanking is not abuse. If you are spanking and leaving welts on your child, that is abuse. Most of the spanking that has occurred in my house happened when my kids were still in diapers and all it did was get their attention. Obviously they were never very happy about having been spanked, but that doesn't make it abuse. It is not my job as my kids' parent to make them happy all the time. They are obedient for the most part (at ages 4 and 5), and all the time when it comes to safety. That has been my goal. I don't want my kids to be little sheep who think "I better do what they say or I'm going to get beaten," but they do need to solidly understand the importance of following our rules, since most of them are set for the purpose of keeping them safe. Since they've gotten verbal and can understand the reason behind our rules, they don't need to be spanked because they do see the logic. Their questions are invited, as long as they use a respectful tone, and they are answered. They do, however, get a swat on the mouth for a blatant lie or any other sort of verbal disrespect (which is rare) accompanied by a 10 minute time-out in their beds to think about what they said and a stern talking-to afterward. Nowadays it usually only takes either me or their dad reminding them of the punishment for lying to get them to 'fess up. Overall they are respectful children, and they are not afraid of us.
@ Jess Ali: Children are constantly testing boundaries, they're learning, and it's our jobs to show them where the boundaries are and to keep them. Comparing a slight smack on a diapered bum is not the same as spousal abuse. Discipline is our way of teaching-- a husband has no right to hit his wife (or vice versa) because both of them are grown and are old enough to understand verbal reason. You can't sit a 14-month-old on your lap and explain to him that if played with a mug of hot tea he could get badly burned, nor can you baby-proof the entire world forever. So, in my opinion, it's better to give him a smack on the bum to let him know that when you say "NO" you mean it, than for him to play with a mug of hot tea that you accidentally (yes, it happens to everyone) left on the end table while you went to pee, and get burned. For my kids, it didn't take long for them to learn what was a play-thing and what was not, and for the most part after they were 2 years old, I didn't have to spank anymore because they knew the rules.
I'm not trying to say that everyone who doesn't spank their kids is evil, I'm just stating what has worked for us. Don't hate on those of us who use physical means to discipline our kids. Kids are different, and different kids respond differently to different means of discipline.

Belinda - posted on 02/23/2010

I say a stern hand would eliminate alot of these problems that parents have and they would not turn out like little hoodlums and be disrespectful towards their peers, parents and elders, Kids these days have lack of respect for anything or anybody cause of lack of discpline in the home.

Alej - posted on 02/23/2010

:) Have a great Day...

Kerri - posted on 02/23/2010

thank you i agree........

Kerri - posted on 02/23/2010

If my child mouthed off them words to me you bet HOT SAUCE OR SOAP just a dot on the tip of the toung will do this i have done before and it works for me.

Alej - posted on 02/23/2010

I believe no matter what the discipline/consequence... it is always done in love and prayerfully not anger. It also depends on the child, his/her learning style and depends what the action or choice was... trying to be consistent and carry out the consequence instead of giving one too many chances and warning...If its bathroom/dirty words..soap cleans, if one wants to argue and talk back...writing works well, defiant out right behavior...a spanking could his /her attention , or soap or vinegar...or garlic...or take something away, like games, tv, movies.....then of course end in prayer. :)

Kerri - posted on 02/23/2010

I do not spank my kids often at all i was hit as a child and i hated it, so i am not to much of a beleiver i have on the other hand swatted their bum and they look at me like im dumb so thier is no point with my children but taking important things away and having them earn it back has seemed to be working for me it is a real struggle and at times not even that works so i guess it is just depending on the family the child and the parent what type of punishment a child gets, its our job to just NOT judge.........

Desirae - posted on 02/23/2010

I believe that no matter what punishment you give a child, the consequence should not out way the action.

If your punishment is getting a child to feel remorse for their action... don't make them feel like they murdered somebody if they didn't clean their room.

I role play with my daughter to get her to understand remorse. For example:
I will repeat to her how I've seen her treat her friends... she cries... I ask her if it hurts her feelings... she says yes... I ask her if it's true... she says yes... I tell her if the truth hurts, fix it. (... whether that is apologizing or changing the way she acts in a certain situation)

I spank her at times, for instance:
She was having a temper tantrum and almost ran into the street with an oncoming car... I spanked her because I knew that it would hurt a lot less than the car (and made her aware of that fact also).

Either way I like Newtons Third Law of Motion (In our house we re-named it Mommy's First Law of Emotion...lol):

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

... and from that we learn:

If the truth hurts, fix it.

... and we try to follow these rules as a family as opposed to 'do as I say, not as I do'.

Kathy - posted on 02/22/2010

Jessica Ali-I see where you are coming from completely. I also appreciate your detailed response. This is exactly what I was looking for. The reasons behind why we choose to discipline our children as a result of how we were disciplined growing up. I was spanked or back handed any time my mother felt it was appropriate, I didn't appreciate the times when I didn't feel I'd done anything wrong or she was reacting from her own frustrations or anger. That is why my main focus in disciplining my children (whom I've raised in a similar style to attachment parenting from nursing as long as physically possible to co-sleeping when necesarry, homemade baby foods, homeopathic treatments for illness,etc.) is the Love and Logic approach to parenting. It almost always works without a doubt. I do NOT want my children to fear me because I am going to "Hit" them I want them to fear the discipline therefore assisting them in making the appropriate choices later in life. They have a three strikes and your out rule. I never spank out of anger (discipline either, I feel you must decide on the discipline with a cool head or it just isn't going to be fair) even if I have to give myself a time out. May sound silly but I have had to do it because, let's be honest, kids will push you to your limit and as the adult you need to know when to step away and chill for a second!!! When a parent uses spanking as the one and only form of discipline they are more than likely going to have resentful and scared children. I want my children to learn to make the right choices NOW so that later in life they don't make one stupid mistake that could make a huge impact in their lives. My goal is to instill in them a good sense of self, strong morals and a respect for themselves and others. I see what you are saying as well with the spare the rod spoil the child saying, but I agree with the general idea. My favorite "version", if you will, of the bible is the NIV Student Bible. Breaks things down more in a common sense way. The insight section of "How to raise Children" speaks on this quote specifically. Saying "Proverbs calls punishment a form of love and says that parents who won't discipline their children are in danger of ruining them. The overwhelming emphasis of Proverbs is on verbal encouragement and teaching. The whole book is framed as a father's words to his son, teaching him those facts of life that have nothing to do with biology. Again and again he pleads, "Listen, my son." The parent-child conversation is a warm one, and Proverbs 17:6 bears out what the whole book implies: parents and children are NOT meant to be adversaries, but allies in life who are proud of each other." The actual verse in the Student Bible states "The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother." This says it all to me, it is our job as the parents to know what the appropriate discipline is to guide our children (talking, time out, spanking, etc) in making the best choices in life and in doing this we will form a bond of mutual respect and everlasting and unconditional love:)
I hope more will reply with the same candor. Thank you Jessica, I appreciate you delving into your past and letting us into that part of your experiences. It didn't sound "dramatic" at all, just real.

Jessica - posted on 02/22/2010

I just wanted to clarify that that specific phrase is not in the bible, as I often hear (or read) people quoting it. Yes, I realize there are other similar phrases. I don't want to get into a biblical debate, but as so much in the bible is open to interpretation, do you really think you need to translate "rod" literally? Could that not just mean discipline in general? Why does it always have to come back to physical punishment? Don't get me wrong, I 100% agree with being responsible for your childrens' actions and that they need to learn there are consequenses/punishment for being out of line. But I don't think at all that it needs to always come down to physical punishment.

Jess - posted on 02/22/2010

Heres a thought.... rather than spanking your child for reaching toward your hot cup, how about keep it out of their reach to start with ??? And as for child molestors.... in most cases, these people were abused as children, and they are just repeating the behaviour. Nothing to do with the punishment at all !

Marilyn - posted on 02/22/2010

Jessica Ali...your comment spare the rod, spoil the child not in the Bible... WRONG. It is in the Bible. Proverbs 13:24 NIV He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him. Pretty strongly states that if you spare the rod you actually don't even care about your child. OI don't condone abuse, but see my earlier post.

Marilyn - posted on 02/22/2010

Never a smack on the mouth, is my opinion, except maybe in case of swearing teenager, but on the bum, or sometimes the hand. I would prefer to smack my two yearold's hand if he was reaching for a hot cup, than have him burn himself with hot coffee because he didn't listen to my, NO, don't touch!" As a punishment, a spank on the bum, always controlled, never in anger; as a deterent, a light smack or flick on the hand.

Marilyn - posted on 02/22/2010

I think spanking is totally appropriate. I'm not talking about a beating that leaves bruises and emotional scars, but a spanking that can be felt when a child is disobedient is totally fine, and promoted in the Bible. i know there are many differing feelings about corporal punishment and I think that is because of the abuse that is rampant in our society. THe most imprtant thing is to be consistent. the punishment, no matter what you choose, should fit the crime, but above all, be consistent. If you tell your child to do or not do something, if they don't listen, there should be an imediate consequence. I know first hand that this style works. I have my own children as a testimony against because I am not consistent enough, and i have relatives who are very consistent, and they tell their child to do or not do, and they are instantly obeyed. Model children that make me sooo jealous! But it is possible, by not having empty threats, because our kids are not stupid, and they quickly realize, yeah yeah, you say that, but you never will carry it out, and they stop listening. I personally spank my kids for repeated disobedience..kind ofa last straw punishment, and for things like lying and stealing. I want my kids to respect authority, and I don't wnat kids who think its ok to steal a cookie and lie about it, because what will that cookie be whne they are 16? Not a cookie but an ipod??? half the problem with society anymore is that people are afraid to punish. Our criminals, including child molesters and killers, sit in jail and waste millions of dollars a year, because crime is not punished. It is tolerated. And it is tolerated already as parents with young children who bite the kid next to them, who steal a cookie and lie. I am not saying that htese kids turn onto child molesters and killers, but rather that as a whole, we are afraid to punish our kids with appropriate punishments. Back in the days when my parents were young, and even myself, there was never a questionm about spanking being wrong. NOw supposedly it lowers your IQ and who knows what all. Personally I know several people who have been spanked as children and came out to be brilliant drs and surgeons and lawyers, so what spared their IQ's? If my 16 year old told me to f myself, they'd find themselves out the door in such a hurry their head would spin. If they have all the answers, get out there and make your own living and we'll talk to you in 5 years to see how stupid I really am! I don't think it would occur tomy kids to verbalize such a thing, not because they are so good, but rather because they know there would be serious consequences, and I am not talking about a serious beating. You cant spank a 16 year old, but there certainly are fitting punishments...no TV, computer use, facebook priveledges, friends to hang out with, cell phone taken away....Don't be too lax with your kids for fear of society. those who are against punishing their children are fools..they will be punished by their children one day!

Jess - posted on 02/22/2010

Jessica I think you summed it up fantastically ! I was smacked as child and experienced similar issue's as you described. I two have a good relationship with my parents but it has taken a lot of time and hard work to get there. I have read over and over about how parents are spanking their children to teach them respect..... you can't spank respect into children. You don't just deserve respect, you earn it. You earn it from your children, the same way they have to earn yours ! They didn't pick you, they didn't choose you to be their parents, so they don't owe you anything. If you want your children to be respectful and treat you well.... you need to model that behaviour. And if your physical with your children, than you need to be prepared for the consequiences. When my parents hit me, I always reminded them that I get to choose their nursing home ! Hitting is hitting.... regardless of what you call it and who it is that your hitting.... Your children can't hit you, so why do you hit them ?

Jessica - posted on 02/22/2010

Kathy Dawley- You asked how our own experiences as children play into how we choose to discipline our own children. That is an important question. I think that's probably the number one factor that plays into this for all of us. We all turn to how we were raised and pick out what worked and what didn't.

I always hear "Well my parent spanked me and I turned out fine" and "I don't want my children to grow up disrespectful" etc etc. Well if we're talking about personal experiences, let me give you another side of the story. My parents spanked me and my brother and sister growing up. .I don't believe they were ever truely "abusive" with it. But you know what? It "didn't work." Believe me, I'm sure I deserved it plenty of times. But they only thing it ever did was make my behavior ten times worse. I would go into pure fits of rage. Screaming, hitting and throwing things. No amount of punishment ever made it stop- the more they hit, the worse I got. I remember the paralyzing feeling of terror, where you know you are about to be hurt and can't escape it. I remember the humiliation of being forced into a vulnerable position and made to feel weak and helpless. I turned to rage as an outlet for emotions I didn't know how to express. Does that sound over-dramatic? Try to think about how it feels from a child's perspective. I was never able to verbalize my feelings very well (probably since rather than helping me learn to do that, they resorted to the quick fix of spanking instead) but the more I look back, the more I think that rather than help my behavior in any way, this form of discipline interfered with so many aspects of my emotional and moral development.

I tend to agree with most aspects of attachment parenting philosophy. It simply makes the most sense. The basis of this is having a strong bong with your child. Discipline, helping shape your child's behavior, flows naturally from this. Spanking, raising your hand to cause pain, automatically creates a distance between you and your child. Yeah sure, in many cases it might "work." But you need to think hard about how and why it works, and whether its worth it. Do you want your child to learn right and wrong, and learn to WANT to behave appropriately? Because they respect and trust you as a role model? Or do you want them to simply act out of fear? Fear of pain and humiliation? Fear of YOU? I want my son to learn respect. I don't believe he will learn that if his father and I don't show that to him. I was extremely disprespectful to my parents on many occasions. From throwing massive temper tantrums as a child to swearing at them as a teenager. But when I think about how they handled misbehavior, I have to think a large reason why I acted that way because of how I was treated. I always wonder how different I would have been if they had tried to get to the root of the issues at the time, tried to use other methods rather than resorting to spanking. By the time I was a teenager, it was too late for that, I was an incoherent tangle of emotions and depression, I hated myself and didn't know how to talk to anybody. I've come a long way since then of course, but to this day I have issues verbalizing my emotions, I have issues with anger. I am working hard to control these issues while my son is still a baby, because I will be damned if I do the same things my parents did.

Now I'm not blaming my parents spanking me as a child for all of my problems, because that isn't true. Also, for the record, I have a good relationship with both of my parents today. But when I think of that particular aspect of how they raised me, I can't ignore all the negative snowball effects it had on my development. I get so worried when parents vow to use spanking as punishment, because I don't think people realize just how detrimental it can be to a kid. I also can't stand it when people think that you have to hit your kid or else they will turn into some kind of monster brat. Absolutely not true.

Oh and for the record, that "spare the rod, spoil the child" phrase... yeah, not in the bible.

Tanja - posted on 02/22/2010

My parents never spanked us (that I remember anyway) but my brother and I hardly had fights and I think we were quite well behaved. I think it depends on the child, some just dont listen and time out etc doesn't work. I dont think you need to go mad with spanking either I think sometimes a tap on the bum or hand might just make them think, sometimes the threat is enough. I must say its just a theory as my little one is only 7 months old.
I think the reason its such an issue today is that some people used to really lay into their kids and now its gone to the other end of the scale.
I think a big thing for me growing up was that my parents were consistant and stayed calm when we were being shits. Children have to respect their parents but I think if you show your child some respect, and let them know when they do the right things it would help. you should do what works best for each child but not take it too far.

Tina - posted on 02/22/2010

I disagree with spanking your child, they dont know what they are doing is wrong i see it that if you hit your child then they will only grow up and be afraid of you and the last thing you want is your child to be scared of you

Evangeline - posted on 02/22/2010

O.K. I've read all the posts and I have something to say. I never post about this subject, but I will today. My mother was a single mom and I grew up in an old school home were there was spanking. I didn't call it spanking we called it a "whippin". My mother always told me that in the Bible it says "Spare the rod and spoil the child". And it also says "A disobedient child does not live long". She never "spare the rod". I got a whippin for most ever thing that I did bad. (Even for something's that I didn't do). I don't believe that my mother did this to hurt me (per se), but more to help me to understand that what I did was wrong. I was a good kid growing up and I definitely feel that some of those whippings were not justified. I don't believe that spanking a child makes them violent. My husband was whipped when he was a child and we have been married for 12 years and he has never hit me. He is a firefighter and a paramedic. We have 5 children and we both believe in whippings. Now we are different than our parents, because we don't believe in whipping our kids for every little thing they do. Actually they hardly ever get a whipping, but when they do, it was definitely because we felt that it was warranted. We are both productive citizens and our children are productive. I do not allow fighting in my house and we don't have a lot of trouble out of any one of them. None of my kids have ever been suspended for school for fighting and they are not violent. Are they afraid of us? I doubt it. Are they afraid of disappointing us? Most likely. Personally, I think that a small amount of fear is good for children. Fearless children think they can do or say anything to their parents. I do not think that is right. Certain behaviors are not acceptable and a teenager telling his mom that she is a b@@@@, and that she should go f@@@ herself is not acceptable. I also feel that whippings only work for so long. You must be able to balance things. Does a 5 yr. old deserve a whipping for eating dirt or sucking her thumb after you've told her a million times to stop? No. Does she deserve a smack on her hand for touching a hot stove or throwing her toy through the TV or klunking her little brother over the head with her toy phone because he won't give her one of her other toys? Most likely. I personally feel like you can get a whippin without getting a beating. I also feel that after a certain age it no longer works. All you can do is hope you made the right decisions and raised them to the best of your ability for them to become happy, healthy and productive members of society.

Jackie - posted on 02/21/2010

Well, I was spanked growing up and I feel that most times it was unnecessary. I was a pretty good kid and have little respect for my dad because of the way he chose to discipline me & other reasons BUT I could have handled a simple "don't do that". I'm not saying all kids are like that and are that easy...but hitting a child or anyone for that matter is wrong. You're only teaching your child that A. hitting is ok & B. they should only listen to people they are afraid of (because of the hitting). You only discipline them through fear of being hit. I think children should learn by simple explanations like "we don't hit others because it hurts" OR "there's no running in the house because someone could get hurt" and then also reinforce it with a good time out which is not usually very fun to a small child and they will learn that certain behaviors aren't acceptable and that time outs aren't fun. Hitting is NOT ok...EVER.

Daniela - posted on 02/21/2010

Well i personly think a slide smack on the hand for younger kids (1-6) its ok and the older ones (6-12) a Smack on the bum doesnt do harm. As long as it is not brutal and the child is blue after it.

I have been Belted and Smaked with Slippers when i was little and it didnt do me any harm no it showed and told me to respect my parrents and grown ups and also my belongings and belongings of others.

Im sorry to say but most Children today dont have respect for the Grown ups at all, and parrents are now scared of what happens when they smack your child...that law is rubbish and in my eyes compleetly unrespectfull to us parrents...but what do they know.

Sometimes Children need a smack and sometimes we also need to shout at them but by law we are not alowed as it is abuse....rubbish sorry....so what they say i should say please dont do this its not right...sorry what does that teach..nothing at all.

I agree with a slide Smack or a Smack on the Bum......Face im sorry but thats out of order even for me.

Eve - posted on 02/21/2010

Over smackin, slapping, screaming, etc end up rendering a child numb & afraid to talk before the public, I personally call that abuse. It makes one feel belittle as he/she grows up. Its always tempting to hit a child most especially if he pretends not to be listening to ones warning, but i think its better avoided. Its a problem am really trying to deal with cos i hate to spank my child.

Krystle - posted on 02/21/2010

I was sat down and talked to and then if that failed, i got a smack on the bum. :)